# I kind of want my ex back..



## laurreenn (Jan 28, 2009)

So like the title says, I think I might kind of want my ex back =x i don't know what brought this about, it's been around 4-5 months since we brokeup and i've been totally fine. however lately i found out that he's kind of seeing this other girl and likes her and now i want him. i know that most of the reason i want him is because he wants someone else, but that doesn't change the fact that i like him now!! we're going out to dinner this wednesday and i feel bad because i'm kind of being a homewrecker, but i can't stop myself. lols

would you girls ever get back with an ex? or do you think it's in the past for a reason?


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## pinksugar (Jan 28, 2009)

I'll be 100% honest here.

I've been in your situation, got back with an ex, and whatever it was that broke us up, essentially continued to drive us apart.

You've said you think that you want him because he's now with someone else, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've heard somewhere that only a very tiny percentage of relationships that have broken up and got back together stay together forever.

With that being said, if you really DO like him, giving him a chance to find love and happiness after you is maybe the kindest, most selfless thing you can do.

If you are100% sure about your feelings, [that you definitely want to be with him in the long term, not just because of jealousy or the thrill of the chase...] then go ahead, explain how you feel during this dinner, and then back off and let him make the choice himself.

If you AREN'T 100% sure, then I would leave it. You're being unfair to him, and to her as well.

Just my honest opinion though.


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## Lucy (Jan 28, 2009)

i agree with rosie, people break up for a reason. you might miss him but getting back with him might not be the best option.

i'm saying this as someone who was with a guy for three years- on and off, on and off. he would get scared after about 6 months, when it would start to look serious, and bolt. and then after a while we would miss each other, start being friends again and then end up back with each other, only for a couple of months later for him to flee again. it took five break ups for me to realise that me and this guy simply weren't meant for each other. we both wanted it, we both loved each other, but it just wasn't right. i had to let him go, and this guy had been my friend since i was a toddler. it's left a big hole in my life but as rosie says, the kindest thing to do was to let it go so we could both move on and find happiness with other people- he's actually gay now.

think about what you really actually want. do you only want this guy because you're haunted by the idea of him being with someone else? try to seperate that other girl from it and imagine the situation without her, if he was freely available. would you still want him? was the relationship really that good, and is any of it worth saving? and are you prepared to talk to him about why you split up in the first place? if you are then maybe tell him how you feel.

but i'd be very very careful. if he's the one that broke up with you then you might not feel you can trust him properly not to do it again for a while, and vice versa if you broke up with him. it's hard to forgive that sort of rejection and can be confusing when you're wanted back again.

let us know how it goes!


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## Adrienne (Jan 28, 2009)

Very good advice from Fingers and Rosie.

I would just like to add that you should think and focus on what broke you guys up in the first place. People don't change (not easily at least) so unless you're absolutely sure that you want to be with him, don't pursue it. And second, you didn't even like him til you found out he was with someone else. If he was single would you still want him? Did it take him being with someone else to remind you what you were missing? If so, let him know, just don't force him. For all you know, he's finally getting over you and unless you're sure, you don't want to toy with someone else's feellings. Wish you the best


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## magneticheart (Jan 28, 2009)

Originally Posted by *fingers* /img/forum/go_quote.gif think about what you really actually want. do you only want this guy because you're haunted by the idea of him being with someone else? try to seperate that other girl from it and imagine the situation without her, if he was freely available. would you still want him? was the relationship really that good, and is any of it worth saving? and are you prepared to talk to him about why you split up in the first place? if you are then maybe tell him how you feel.
but i'd be very very careful. if he's the one that broke up with you then you might not feel you can trust him properly not to do it again for a while, and vice versa if you broke up with him. it's hard to forgive that sort of rejection and can be confusing when you're wanted back again.

I agree. You have to figure out if you only want him back because he's with someone else. If he wasn't seeing her would you still want him back?If you really are serious about being with him you have to figure out whether you can get over the reason you broke up in the first place and if you were unhappy the first time round, would it really be worth it all over again?

Personally I couldn't see myself getting back together with my ex-bf. Not because I'm against dating exes, I think that in some situations it can work but when we broke up we weren't exactly on good terms and even though we don't hate each other or anything anymore I don't think I could get over that.


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## Dragonfly (Jan 28, 2009)

Is he the same fellow that treated you so poorly - and that you went to councelling over?

Another clue that you need to stay away from him is that he is being deceiptful to his current steady by meeting you.

You have acknowledged the reason that you want him - because he has moved on to another.

Please focus on the crappy things he did with you and not the once in a blue moon nice things that he did.

I guarantee that absolutely nothing has changed and that he will treat you exactly as he has, if the two of you get back together.

My advice - instead of meeting with him on Wednesday, cancel that get together. Set up an appointment with your councilor. discus with him/her your feelings and maybe they can give you some insight into your feelings - and strongly talk you out of meeting him.

I don't mean to be harsh - I just don't want to see you anywhere near this guy.


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## daer0n (Jan 28, 2009)

I would definitely follow Dragonfly's advice, if this is the guy that treated you like crap i wouldn't think he would treat you differently this time. You think that if he is agreed to see you this weekend regardless of him liking/seeing this other girl he wont do the same thing to you at some point if you two go back together? or is it that you want/like what you can't have only?

It isn't good for you to develop habits that won't bring anything good for you, believing that things and people that you can't have are the next best exciting thing and you must have them,- people aren't objects, karma is a b*tch, what comes around goes around, if this other girl likes him too and expected something from him, and they were building a relationship already, not only you going out with him again will make you look bad in many ways, but eventually, you are going to pay for hurting other people and taking away from them, even when the guy is not what we could call a "Prince charming".

Go to counseling, seek what is best for you and keep yourself away from toxic relationships/people, honestly you can't build high expectations on someone that didn't treat you like a human being. And still, if this is not the guy that treated you that way, i don't see why you wouldn't want a fresh and new relationship instead of taking someone you've known, broken up for a reason with before. To me it's a waste of time, the chances of breaking up again are very very high. I think this is more a matter of learning to let people go for you than anything else.


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## bia910 (Jan 28, 2009)

I suggest you follow Dragonfly's and Daeron advice.


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## Shelley (Jan 28, 2009)

i also agree with carolyn and daeron's advice. unless he's had counseling he more than likely has the same traits. i know it's difficult to instantly drop feelings for a guy but honestly there will be someone out there who will treat you right and you deserve better.


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## laurreenn (Feb 9, 2009)

thank all of you girls for your responses, i really do appreciate everything that you girls have had to say.

fingers - your comment really spoke to me. i know what you mean, there's a reason that we brokeup and you're right, if we get back together that problem won't go away. i thought about this long and hard and YES, him being with someone else is what made me notice him but now i think i'm just confused. of course i will always love my ex, i don't think love dies and even though it's not the same love that love is still there. i will always care for him.

i guess i'm just trying to decide whether i can actually do this again or not. i know in my heart that breaking up with him and moving on was the right thing to do, but how can something that is so right for me also feel completely wrong? i think about him occasionally, and i think of our memories, and i know he does too. the reason he hasn't asked out the girl he's seeing now is because he's not sure whether he's completely over me/he wants to end us.

i'm not sure what i should do. how do i figure out what i feel?


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## Lucy (Feb 9, 2009)

Originally Posted by *laurreenn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif thank all of you girls for your responses, i really do appreciate everything that you girls have had to say. 
fingers - your comment really spoke to me. i know what you mean, there's a reason that we brokeup and you're right, if we get back together that problem won't go away. i thought about this long and hard and YES, him being with someone else is what made me notice him but now i think i'm just confused. of course i will always love my ex, i don't think love dies and even though it's not the same love that love is still there. i will always care for him.

i guess i'm just trying to decide whether i can actually do this again or not. i know in my heart that breaking up with him and moving on was the right thing to do, but how can something that is so right for me also feel completely wrong? i think about him occasionally, and i think of our memories, and i know he does too. the reason he hasn't asked out the girl he's seeing now is because he's not sure whether he's completely over me/he wants to end us.

i'm not sure what i should do. how do i figure out what i feel?

basically, only you can know what you feel. if this whole thing feels like a step back for you, if you're proud of how far you have come and if moving on didn't feel like a mistake at the time, then i don't think you should do anything. you just have to follow your gut with this. if the feeling of wanting to be with this guy completely overrides everything else, then do it. life's too short to mess around if you think you have found someone who makes you feel amazing. 
but from what other people have said- and i don't know the full story, i don't think i'm in a position to judge, but- i'm gathering he's not treated you all that well in the past, and if it were me, i would not want to return to that kind of relationship.


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## reesesilverstar (Feb 9, 2009)

Still agree with Dragonfly and Daeron...


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## laurreenn (Feb 12, 2009)

yea i mean i've dated this guy for 2 years and a lot of the girls on here know that he was abusive. i understand why this seems like a step back.

i dont know i've just been thinking (and i know this is going to sound silly) that like he'll always have a part of my heart. that even when i completely move on and he asks out the other girl and then in like 20 years i get married and then he gets married, we're still going to love each other. maybe not as passionately, maybe not as obsessively, but we'll still love each other. will i live the rest of my life wondering if i made a mistake?

recently one of my guy friend's parents decided to get divorced. they were married for almost 40 years. the mother wanted to work things out but the dad refused, and left to move to england. when he talked to the son about it he said that he never cheated on his mother, but that for the last 35 years he thought about his first love every single day. that he knew he could never love his mother completely, because the other woman always had parts of his heart. a few months later, the other woman arrived at the fathers doorstep feeling as though she were in the same predicament.

i can't help but thinking what a waste of time those 30 years were if they were so in love with each other.


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