# Losing a parent



## CuTeLiCiOuS (Aug 18, 2006)

How do you deal with it? &amp; how do you get up again and be okay? How long does it take?


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## lovelyarsenic (Aug 18, 2006)

First off, I am sorry to hear about your loss (if it is yours you are speaking of), and I just want you to know that even if you feel the pain is almost unbearable right now that with time it will get better.

Whenever I experience a loss of someone so close to my heart I tend to do the following: 1. cry whenever I need to, 2. surround myself with as many friends as possible, 3. cherish the memories of the person I've lost, 4. talk about it, really vent if I need to, 4. be patient with time (each person is unique; for some it takes a month to heal and for others even a few years).

*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs* Try to be strong, and know that all of us are here for you.


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## Aquilah (Aug 18, 2006)

I'm sorry for your loss! We're most definitely here for you when you need us! Honey, there is no time frame for getting over someone and moving on. Everyone grieves differently, and there are no rules! My grandfather passed away in 1993, and it still hurts me to my core! For three years after his death I cried on my birthday, his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and whenever else I needed to!

On the other hand, my grandmother passed a year ago almost, and I still haven't cried to this day! Do I miss her? Like crazy! But, rather than think about the condition she was in when she passed, I prefer to remember the robust, strict grandmother I had who was SO full of life! I can't even begin to allow myself to imagine the big teddy bear grandma I had who gave me HUGE bear hugs as having been only a skeleton basically when she passed!

That all being said, there is no limit to your grieving period. Cry whenever you want! Scream, yell, stomp! However you feel as though you need to release, do it! Don't NOT cry because you're afraid to! Don't NOT grieve because you think you shouldn't anymore! Don't FEEL BAD because you're still grieving! We're here sweetie! Whenever you need us to rant, rave, cry, etc!


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## VenusGoddess (Aug 18, 2006)

My dad passed away in 1999. By 2001, I thought I was done grieving. But, then I had my daughter and I would find myself thinking about my dad and how much he would absolutely love Makayla. I thought I would never forget what he looked like...but now, I honestly don't remember what he looked like...but I remember who he was. It is hard in the beginning and no matter what, you will always miss your mom/dad. But, it does get better. The healing period is different for different people and no one can say that it takes x amount of years to get over it.

If the saying that it takes you 1 year of grieving/healing for every year you've known someone...you can see how it would be a life long journey. It's not always bad. There are times I'm talking with my mom about my dad and some of the stuff he did and it goes from being a tear session to one of laughter. Talking about the person is very cathartic...you remember all of the bad/negative stuff...but you also remember the positives as well.

It also helped me to remember that death is not a finality. It's the beginning of another journey and my dad is never far away from me, even if it's just his memory in my heart and mind. When you love someone, time and space have no meaning. Love is love and will be felt across the divides. Also, keep your mind open...my dad had a special nickname for me that no one else really called me...and one day, someone just "blurbed" that nickname during a conversation (and I didn't know them while my dad was alive, so they wouldn't have known the nickname)...and I just smiled because I knew it was meant for me to remember that my dad was still around, even if I couldn't see him. The same thing happened with my aunt calling me by the nickname my grandpa used to call me. It was my birthday and I was feeling sad because I missed my grandpa...and my aunt handed me the birthday card with my nickname on it and said, "I don't know why I wrote that. I didn't realize it until I had already written it." Little reminders help.





Here's a big ((((((hug)))))) from me. It's going to get better...you just need to take it one moment at a time.

(((((hug)))))


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## Marisol (Aug 18, 2006)

I have been lucky that I have yet to deal with this terrible situation. I came sort of close 5 years ago when my mom had emergency heart surgery. I truly thought that I was going to lose her and didn't know what I was going to do. Luckily, she made it through surgery and is doing so much better now.

I don't think that there is a certain time period. I think a lot of it depends on how close you were to your parents.

Did you just recently lose a loved one? If so, I am sorry for your loss.


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## ivette (Aug 18, 2006)

i'm sorry for your loss


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## ChristineLE24 (Aug 18, 2006)

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my Mom about 4 years ago. The one thing that kept me going was that I know my Mom would want me to be happy



. Plus, I really believe that they will always be with us, watching over us to make sure we are OK.

I still have my bad days but with time my bad days will and have become fewer and fewer.

You never get over it but it does get easier so try to hang in there.


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## dixiewolf (Aug 18, 2006)

I dont think you ever get over it, but it gets easier. My dad was murdered when I was 11, yes I cried, but I was so young I blocked it out for 10 years. Wouldnt talk about him, say his name, or try to remember. Now at 28 I am fine with talking about him, I remember everything about him, his voice, his looks, his cologne. When I was about 22 I started having flashbacks and thats when I remembered. I didnt see him killed, it was just the flashbacks of people visiting us, etc. Anyways, thats not a typical story but it depends on the person and age.


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## pinkbundles (Aug 18, 2006)

Fortunately, I haven't come across this kind of tragedy in my life. But my grandmother's death was pretty close. I'm still sad when I think about her (even after almost two years), but she really was suffering. I know it's cliche, but I really feel she's in a much better place now. No more suffering. I guess you just have to accept it and let life go on and smile when you think of them.


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## luxotika (Aug 18, 2006)

Sorry to hear about your loss. My mother died when I was 12, back in 1993. She was 38 years old. The only thing that will help you grieve is the passage of time. Surround yourself with people you care about, and people who care about you. A support system is an absolute must during this difficult time in your life.


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## pieced (Aug 18, 2006)

I'm sorry to read about your loss. There is no time frame, and it all depends how your personally and indivually heal from a trauma. Just hang in their, and it'll get better and better everyday.


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## han (Aug 18, 2006)

sorry for your lost i too lost my dad this year but he has been sick for nine years so i saw it comeing suprise he fought as long as he did so when he did pass i had peace knowing he was not suffering no more i still have night mares of his last year of suffering and i miss him alot but that exspierence makes me apreciate life and the people i love more i dont think we ever get over loseing some one we love as time passes we learn to adjust and heal


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## redspiralz (Aug 18, 2006)

My mom passed away when I was 9 years old and I can honestly say that I don't think I'll ever be over it. It's not like i'm this really sad thing walking around all depressed, but it has touched me in every way. I think about her at least once a day, I miss her almost all the time, but it's like this dull ache that never quite goes away, but its not unmanageable. It's not unbearable, it's just like a little touch of sadness, but you learn to deal with it and carry it and you will still have happy times, you'll just probably appreciate them more. I hope that you get through this. Just try not to let the pain of it over take you.


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## shockn (Aug 18, 2006)

I lost both of my parents when I was 8. 10 years later its still something I remember but Ive just kind of decided I'm not going to let it effect my life in any kind of negative way. They wouldnt have wanted that ya know? I think the best thing you can do is let everything single emotion you have out, regardless of how long it takes. I tried not to do that for such a long time, and in the process of trying to forget their death I forgot things about them. Things that if I hadn't been so angry about them dying and leaving me I would of had to cherish about them the rest of my life.

And this is kind of OT but in some way it kind of comforts me that there is a fair number of people that have gone through this. Back when it happened and hell even recently I always felt like an odd man out in that regard.


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## SierraWren (Aug 18, 2006)

I'm so sorry you have experienced such a terrible loss.I have not yet lost a parent to death(just to estrangement)but when I was 12, my oldest sister was murdered. She was only 16 and there were times I did not think I would live much longer than she had, I missed her so much and was so sad. I left school for a year; I had no idea anymore how to be in the world,or with myself. I felt overwhelmed by grief and anger.

One of the many worst things about death,I think, is that we have no control over it, either the death,itself, or its repurcussions throughout us, our reactions. We have no idea when we will be able to act and later feel "normally" again, and it is unbelievably upsetting. There is also a tendency to judge our own grief or to fear its own grief: telling ourselves, we are taking too "long" to get over a person's death, or imagining that other peolpe think we are.But no one,even ourselves, has a right to judge either the quanity or quality of our grief.It is all about the importance of mourning, which is part of the natural process of healing.

A good thing I had were 2 other sisters and friends,who recalled my sister well; we talked about her a lot.Someone else here said,and I completely agree,that talking about the departed one is a good form of therapy,and it also helps to keep the loved one animated for you and alive. Remember the special things, the special times,you had together: now you will have them all your life. If talking to a counselour seems an option, there are what are called "grief counselours" who work specifically in this field--working with people whose loved ones have recently died, or who still cannot get over a death.Seeing one helped me,years ago. If you are at all religous, there are also always members of your clergy with whom to talk about your loved one.

I like to think of myself as a sort of memory album/book,of my lost sister--whose pages I turn enough that she is far more of a presence in my life than an absence.And a parent--you must have a vast storage of memories,images, of them--far vaster than mine.It is possibly too early now, but later, try to remember that you are now the guardian of your parent's life,and that it is your pleasure and affection in your memories of them that allows them to remain indivisible to you, and almost as close,or as accessible, on this earth as you need them to be.


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## MBenita (Aug 18, 2006)

My prayers are with you &amp; those affected by a loss.

My Dad passed away the morning of my 23rd bday in 1984. I was 5-months preg and stationed in Germany. To say that was the saddest day and longest flight of my life is an understatment. Every Dec 12th, it was hard to just get through the day. I didn't go to his burial, just could not do it. I still haven't been - just can't do it.

To this day, I don't know how my Mom made it through (I'm sure it was alot of Prayers).

Fast fwd to 2006...last week I found some letters my dad wrote me when I was in college in my Army duffel bag. Well, I cried as if he passed last week (and I'm tearing up now), so how do I deal with it?

I don't think I really have completely dealt with it. It's eased over the years but there are moments when it strikes and I cave in.

We make it through by talking about our loved ones and remembering special moments.

By being thankful that we had the chance to be part of each other's lives.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Aug 19, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Marisol* I have been lucky that I have yet to deal with this terrible situation. I came sort of close 5 years ago when my mom had emergency heart surgery. I truly thought that I was going to lose her and didn't know what I was going to do. Luckily, she made it through surgery and is doing so much better now. 
I don't think that there is a certain time period. I think a lot of it depends on how close you were to your parents.

Did you just recently lose a loved one? If so, I am sorry for your loss.

It will be a year begining of the next month.

Originally Posted by *shockn* I lost both of my parents when I was 8. 10 years later its still something I remember but Ive just kind of decided I'm not going to let it effect my life in any kind of negative way. They wouldnt have wanted that ya know? I think the best thing you can do is let everything single emotion you have out, regardless of how long it takes. I tried not to do that for such a long time, and in the process of trying to forget their death I forgot things about them. Things that if I hadn't been so angry about them dying and leaving me I would of had to cherish about them the rest of my life. 
And this is kind of OT but in some way it kind of comforts me that there is a fair number of people that have gone through this. Back when it happened and hell even recently I always felt like an odd man out in that regard.

This is excatly how I am feeling. Mad and Happy and sad and u know. I been trying to block all my feeling inside. And I like ur advice not letting it effect u in any bad way.


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## Gwendela (Aug 19, 2006)

I know that after my Grandmother passed away I had a very tough time getting over it and eventually was put on anti-depressants to help. I'm not saying that you need to run to your doctor sweetheart but just know that if it effecting your quality of life that you might consider it.

Big hugs to you and lots of love.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Aug 19, 2006)

^ I don't believe in anti depressant pills. Its like a palcebo effect and a drug that might work or not. Its not how I want to deal with it. For me it has to internally.


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## Gwendela (Aug 19, 2006)

Originally Posted by *CuTeLiCiOuS* ^ I don't believe in anti depressant pills. Its like a palcebo effect and a drug that might work or not. Its not how I want to deal with it. For me it has to internally. I understand and respect that. I'm supposed to be taking them to this day but I do not like what the side effects do to me so I treat myself my own way. I have my bad days but I have even more great days. You have my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Aug 20, 2006)

Originally Posted by *oobladi* I understand and respect that. I'm supposed to be taking them to this day but I do not like what the side effects do to me so I treat myself my own way. I have my bad days but I have even more great days. You have my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss. Thankyou =) Im gonna be super strong


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## ikana82 (Aug 24, 2006)

CuTeLiCiOuS---my condolences to you...be strong! I know exactly how u feel. i lost my mother this past feb and my father this past may...when it rains it really does pour! But they always say that there has to be rain in order for there to be a rainbow...i really believe that even if my parents are no longer here physically, they are around spiritually. I'm sure yours are too! they do watch to make sure you're okay, i believe!


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## Tpsyduck (Aug 24, 2006)

I'm so sorry, it's a very hard loss to take, the loss of a parent. I lost my mother suddenly when I was 15. I was in shock for about 3 years, I just thought she was on vacation or a trip to another hospital and she'd be back soon, that's how I immediately dealt with it. Then 1 day when I was 18, I was cleaning out my wallet and started looking at my pics of her and it was like someone just slapped me really hard! I started crying and kept crying for about an hour, I finally realized she wasn't ever coming back.

Well, I'm 33 now, and it still hurts and I still cry. It may sound strange, but I still talk to her daily, and feel that she's my gaurdian angel, since I've had several close calls since her death. IMO you never get over it, you just learn how to deal with it. It can 'Feel' easier after awhile, but it never hurts any less.

I do still have my dad, thank god! I'm a total daddy's girl and worship him, I pray for his health alot, I won't imagine what it'll be like to deal with that loss.

Be strong, don't be afraid to go to a quiet place and talk to them, and remember they're always with you in spirit and your heart. Remember the smiles and laughter. Time will get you through this.

I have to say, every so often, I smell Opium perfume, or just feel a brief touch or chill, that's when I know she's close, and it's nice. Treasure those moments when they happen for you, and they will, trust me


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## babydoll1209 (Aug 24, 2006)

I'm truly deeply sorry seeing you experiencing this terrible lost. It must be an extremely difficult time for you now but it definitely will get better as time flies.



Keep on living well since you're living not only for yourself but also for your loved ones who are no longer in this life.


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## ldivastar7 (Aug 25, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss. My dad died of leukemia in 1995. His one wish was to see me graduate high school. About 2 weeks after graduation he passed. We were very close for a long time but when he got sick I didn't know how to deal and he didn't know how to let me grow up. So we missed a lot of time together and argued a lot. I regret not spending that time with him but I cherish the time I did have. Its been 11 years now and I still miss him at times. I'm crying as I write this because I feel for you and it reminds me how much I miss him. It is nothing you can ever prepare for and until you experience a loss, nothing can describe it. My mother has ovarian cancer and My biggest fear is not having her in my life she has always been my rock. It takes time to heal that pain but in time you will. Day by day it does get easier. I'm sure now you don't feel that way but the one thing that got me through is knowing how much he cared and loved me and appreciating what time we did have. My prayers are with you.


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## usersassychick0 (Aug 25, 2006)

I lost my dad when i was only 10 years old-6years ago. It is still hard at times, but you gradually except it. I am sure all of the other mutters are here and i know i am are here to support you in any way possible. You'd think going through this, you would know what to say, but honestly there is nothing anybody can to make things better. And not only my dad but i have had at least 4 people really close to me pass away this year and my aunt about 3 years ago. Just whatever you do don't blame your self, and stay positive even if they don't amount the negative, understand and maintain focused.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Aug 25, 2006)

Thankyou Ladies for your advice. I am trying to be okay. I have been sucking this up for a while (a year) and hold in it. I just have to admit it is okay. I am not okay, but its fine that I am not okay. I have not been able to talk about this with my freinds or even my family. I don't have that option. All of them are trying to suck it up. I am fine. I feel better now. Thankyou everyone = ) You are awesome people.

Originally Posted by *Tpsyduck* I'm so sorry, it's a very hard loss to take, the loss of a parent. I lost my mother suddenly when I was 15. I was in shock for about 3 years, I just thought she was on vacation or a trip to another hospital and she'd be back soon, that's how I immediately dealt with it. Then 1 day when I was 18, I was cleaning out my wallet and started looking at my pics of her and it was like someone just slapped me really hard! I started crying and kept crying for about an hour, I finally realized she wasn't ever coming back. Well, I'm 33 now, and it still hurts and I still cry. It may sound strange, but I still talk to her daily, and feel that she's my gaurdian angel, since I've had several close calls since her death. IMO you never get over it, you just learn how to deal with it. It can 'Feel' easier after awhile, but it never hurts any less.

I do still have my dad, thank god! I'm a total daddy's girl and worship him, I pray for his health alot, I won't imagine what it'll be like to deal with that loss.

Be strong, don't be afraid to go to a quiet place and talk to them, and remember they're always with you in spirit and your heart. Remember the smiles and laughter. Time will get you through this.

I have to say, every so often, I smell Opium perfume, or just feel a brief touch or chill, that's when I know she's close, and it's nice. Treasure those moments when they happen for you, and they will, trust me





I am or was doing the same thing. For the first couple of my months I would look in the room expect my parent to be there or come back. You know at night everybody is suppose to be home.


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## 4getmeNot (Aug 26, 2006)

one of my best friends lost her mother about 2 years ago, and i don't think she's ever really gotten over it. she doesn't like to discuss it. she never cried at all, at least not in front of me, or at her funeral. i think she is the type to keep things bottled up inside. either way, i think it is really important to talk about how you're feeling and vent/cry whenever you feel like it. it helps. it always helped me to write about my feelings..rather than talking with someone. remember all of the special times you had with that person and keep in mind that they are now at peace.


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Sep 7, 2006)

I wish I knew the answer to that. I just lost my dad to cancer. It really sucks. I don't know if we ever really get over it...maybe the pain fades after a while. Hang in there, sweetie.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Sep 7, 2006)

Originally Posted by *BrazenBrunhilda* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I wish I knew the answer to that. I just lost my dad to cancer. It really sucks. I don't know if we ever really get over it...maybe the pain fades after a while. Hang in there, sweetie. Thankyou



We will both be fine.


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## melpaganlibran (Sep 10, 2006)

i have never lost a parent or loved one besides my gramma when I was 13 and i didn't grow up around her a whole lot. I fell ill equipped on advising you due to my own circumstances but I can't read something like that and not say ANYTHING.

I don't know what to say but I can pass along advice that was given from one Widow raisng a child...from another widow. It sounds rather harsh but it is probably true.

"It really doesn't ever get better, it just gets easier."

You have my Blessings and Prayers...take care of yourself and try to stay busy. try to balance things...I don't think it is healthy to repress things from within us OR to dwell on things within us non-stop.

I won't close this by saying "hope you feel better" 'cuase nothing can replace your loved one. That would be an empty and shallow statement.

All I can say is I hope you feel...well, bearable and happier afer a while.

(((hugs)))

mela

Originally Posted by *Tpsyduck* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm so sorry, it's a very hard loss to take, the loss of a parent. I lost my mother suddenly when I was 15. I was in shock for about 3 years, I just thought she was on vacation or a trip to another hospital and she'd be back soon, that's how I immediately dealt with it. Then 1 day when I was 18, I was cleaning out my wallet and started looking at my pics of her and it was like someone just slapped me really hard! I started crying and kept crying for about an hour, I finally realized she wasn't ever coming back. Well, I'm 33 now, and it still hurts and I still cry. It may sound strange, but I still talk to her daily, and feel that she's my gaurdian angel, since I've had several close calls since her death. IMO you never get over it, you just learn how to deal with it. It can 'Feel' easier after awhile, but it never hurts any less.

I do still have my dad, thank god! I'm a total daddy's girl and worship him, I pray for his health alot, I won't imagine what it'll be like to deal with that loss.

Be strong, don't be afraid to go to a quiet place and talk to them, and remember they're always with you in spirit and your heart. Remember the smiles and laughter. Time will get you through this.

I have to say, every so often, I smell Opium perfume, or just feel a brief touch or chill, that's when I know she's close, and it's nice. Treasure those moments when they happen for you, and they will, trust me





i belive in this statement wholeheartedly. i run the risk of sounding like a mystical falke but I also tell people to pay close attention to dreams about loved ones who are gone, instead of letting it disturb you just kind of relax and think of it as a departed loved one's way of trying to communicate with you. Even if we cannot remember what was said, it is important to remember the feeling associated with the dream. The night my grandmother died I had a dream she kept talking to me and singing me songs and we were laughing together, I was a tiny little kid again in the dream. She died when I was 13.I had another dream about my great-gran whom I felt closer to after she passed as well. I had cried bitterly because I was too sick to attend her funeral on short notice. Within a week I dreamt I saw her and she hugged me and kissed me on both cheeks as well as the mouth- something I had almost always responded awkwardly to. (she was 100 percent Italian, literally emigrated here off-a-boat, I hear that families from there are more free to be effusively affectionate with kids and grandkids than they are around "here." she sat me down and had cooked a hug feast complete with homemmade bread, tossed salads, meat lasagna and neopolitan ice cream.

the signifigance of that is that by the time I was old enough to visit her and stuff she had bad arthritis and no longer could cook much..i never got to taste 1 meal cooked by her and her meals were legendary and pretty much like the one above I described.

i considered it like a special goodbye from her and I really should stop writing now...she lived to be ninety-three... I was nineteen or twnety when she finally passed...but I am tearing up again ,even now. I felt this special connection to my great gran and I still miss her a lot.


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## Glamour Girl (Oct 17, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. You are going to be OK. I lost my Mom not to long ago, and it hurts so damn much! I wanted the same answers your asking for. I wish I could give you a hug right now. What I do know is that it takes time (I know everyone says this). Time is the only thing that softens the hurt. Just take it day by day. Remember all of the good times and just know that he/she/they are watching down over you. They want you to feel better and go on. You will always miss them, but it does get better. Be prepared to go through phases of: crying, hurt, guilt, anger - sometimes many times over - but remember that it's all part of the grieving process. Like I said above, you are going to be OK.

Please pm me if you want to talk further. I will be thinking of your sweetie.


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## Amethyst (Oct 18, 2006)

Originally Posted by *CuTeLiCiOuS* /img/forum/go_quote.gif How do you deal with it? &amp; how do you get up again and be okay? How long does it take? First of all, my deepest sympathies go out to you. I've been there and know the feeling you're going through.
Every person is different and everyone grieves in a different way. My mom died back in 1995 and STILL I sometimes I still cry over her at times when I'm feeling very sensitive. It's hard to say when the initial strong grieving period is over. The main thing is to remember the good times and good memories. My mom suffered a lot so I try to block that out and remember the good times and humorous things that my mom did. That gets me through it all. Plus I keep thinking, I remember that my mom loved me a lot and she would not want me to live my life getting sick &amp; depressed over her - she would want me and your parent would want YOU to remember the good times and keep her memory alive.

Take care.


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## pla4u (Oct 18, 2006)

I lost my Dad a few years ago, I still think of him and get a tear in my eye,. I know in my heart he is waiting for the rest of his family to join him in heaven .

I do not know what your belifes are but to me I take comfort in knowing I will be with him again when its my time....


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## neurotoxicity (Oct 18, 2006)

I'm so sorry... &lt;3

I went through it in 2002.


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Oct 23, 2006)

I lost my dad to cancer this August. It sucks. I just go on and try not to let it destroy me. I have lost many loved ones and while I don't cry about them anymore, I still think anout them...


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## cerridwin (Oct 30, 2006)

My dad died 4 years ago this Christmas season, and I lost my mom this last February. And although I am no longer 'hurting'. There are days when I just feel alittle nostalgic in my memories and miss them. I go to the gravesite a few times a year. (not alot) but it helps to just sit there and sometime talk about what is going on in my life. I don't think I'll ever stop missing them. But my memories are happy ones.


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