# Need Relationship Advice



## makeupchicky (Jan 10, 2007)

hi everyone...sorry if the title sounds generic...i couldn't really think of a better one.

anyway, my boyfriend and i have been together for 5.5 years. we have a great relationship, get a long well, have similar interests and are just very comfortable being ourselves around each other. we've had some rocky times and even separated for a few months 3 years ago, but somehow got back together. everytime we get into something big, we always commit to work on our relationship and make things work. so i'm currently 27, almost 28 and he's 35. i know that i want to get married and have kids, hopefully in the next 2-3 years...he tells me he's not ready for that kind of commitment and doesn't know when he will ever be. he thinks he'll want to get married and have kids one day, but right now it just seems like such a big responsibility. he doesnt' want to lose the freedom of being able to go on trips with his friends or whatever...but the thing is, all of his friends are married with kids, so it's not even like he has single friends he always wants to hang out with.

So my question is...if i dont' see a clear future between us, is it time to call it quits and move on? it's hard to give up a 5 year relationship because we both always thought that we would end up together...but right now it does not seem that way. and he's starting to sense that he can't give me what i want.

what i also want to know is....why do you think he can't commit? is it because he is too comfortable and doesn't want to make changes or just that I'm not the one...but if i'm not the one, then why does he always try to make our relationship work? i just don't get it...i dont' get men. i just feel so lost...

sorry for the long post...just had to get that off my chest.


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## jdepp_84 (Jan 10, 2007)

I would sit down with him and talk seriously about it. If he still refuses to commit then I would just move on. To me, their is no point in putting so much energy and time into something that the other person wants.


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## jessimau (Jan 10, 2007)

I'd say it's time to move on. I don't have the faintest idea why he's not committing more than he already has, though. You need to do what's best for you and if he won't marry you, then why stay with him? Your leaving may even be the wake-up call he needs because he may just be overly comfortable with the status quo. My BF and I have been together almost 6 years now and I told him a few months ago that 6 years without a proposal was my limit. We've discussed marriage and children and I have gotten the feeling several times that he does want to marry me, otherwise I wouldn't be dating another day. I know giving up a long-term relationship is hard, but would you rather spend several more years with him, waiting for him to change his mind, and still end up not married to him?


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## Dragonfly (Jan 10, 2007)

If I can ask, are you living with him?


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## makeupchicky (Jan 10, 2007)

No, we are currently not living together. We probably see each other maybe 3 days a week...and go on trips together a few times a year.


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## hollyxann (Jan 10, 2007)

kinda sounds like you guys are in 2 different points in your life.

let it ride its course everything happens for a reason. youre heart will just know what to do. follow that not your brain. lol.


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## makeupchicky (Jan 10, 2007)

yeah, i love the "everything happens for a reason" thing. We decided to take the next few days to think things over. i have a feeling he might want to end the relationship. he keeps saying that he can't give me what i want and that i'll never be happy if things continue without any changes....i guess if that's the route, then that's the way to go :scared:


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## Dragonfly (Jan 10, 2007)

I agree with Holly - It is important to follow your heart, but do not abandon your good common sense either.

hope things work out for you


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## makeupchicky (Jan 10, 2007)

thank you, ladies. i really appreciate the support...i just want to make sure i make the right decision and dont' end up regretting it.


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## stashblaster (Jan 11, 2007)

He's 35, can't commit, doesn't want to lose his freedom. Doesn't sound good to me. I would cut my losses. You can't put your life and desires on hold while he figures out when he'll be ready to commit. Woman have the disadvantage of that whole biological clock thing going on, (even though you are on the young side). It's still something that you need to think about. I'm not saying your priority should be finding a guy to help you pump out babies, but there has to be a great man out there for you that is also ready for a solid relationship and a family. If after 5 years together you only see each other only 3 times/week, it just doesn't sound like he wants anymore together time. You deserve to find a man who is deeply passionate about you and mutual wants.


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## Aquilah (Jan 11, 2007)

Okay, call me nutso for this... Here's my opinion...

1) It could be he sees what his friends' go through in marriage with kids, and doesn't think he's ready for it yet based on that. Alas, my husband wasn't either, but now he's just perfectly peachy-keen and a perfect father!

2) If you really want kids and marriage, but you want to stay with him, then maybe you need to come to a compromise on it. Talk about everything, and see where you both stand. Take time to see where things are, and where they might go. Maybe re-evaluate in a year or so, and then see where you're both sitting.

3) Is it at all possible, even remotely (and I feel horrible if I add doubt here), that he's seeing someone else? I mean, to be so devoted to one another, yet only see each other 3 days a week, sounds kinda odd to me. Unless you're sleeping over at each other's houses.


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## luxotika (Jan 11, 2007)

Good advice ladies, couldn't have said it any better myself!


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## makeupchicky (Jan 11, 2007)

Aquilah - thank you for the advice...i will definitely talk to him about this...i mean, we're supposed to take a few days off to think about everything. how did your husband eventually become "ready".

as for seeing someone else, i honestly dont think he is. i know it's odd that we only hang out 3 days a week but we both work a lot, so usually on the weekdays, we don't see each other much...but we stay over at each other's houses during the weekend...and we spend almost every weekend and free time together. BUT, with that said...i wonder if he doesn't want to commit because he thinks there's someone better out there. he tells me i'm perfect and that he loves me...but why doesn't he want to be with me...  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Chaela (Jan 11, 2007)

Wondering that myself, 5 yrs is a long time for a guy just afraid to settle down.

*Okay nevermind lol*

Maybe he really is just scared, men can be kinda funny about that. Getting married would be like a final act, making it sound permanent so maybe thats whats scaring him.


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## Angl Baby (Jan 11, 2007)

I've been there before, done that. Turns out I wasted 4 years of my life on someone who was comfortable in what was there at the time. We had "the talk", he didn't want to commit, I moved on. Disappointed, but I moved on, this child came back a month later wanting commitment, I laughed at him. I'm sorry you're going through this, trust your instincts they never lie. Your heart will at times mislead you, trust your instinct.


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## makeupchicky (Jan 11, 2007)

so i'm guessing you didn't take him back? i wonder if mine would do the same if i moved on. but honestly, if i make the decision to move on, i wouldn't expect (or hope) that he would come back...if it's over, it's over.


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## Angl Baby (Jan 11, 2007)

That was my decision when I decided to move on, if it's over, it's over. I did not take him back, in fact things got ugly on his part. I guess he couldn't handle rejection vey well. Had to get proper authorities (police) involved. I had my phone number change and I moved from that city because he would not leave me alone. I could tell you stories about this one. Whew!!!


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## jessimau (Jan 11, 2007)

I agree with Angl_Baby -- trust your instincts. This is the time to really think about the situation, not just follow your heart. If you just follow your heart you could end up staying in this situation for a lot longer than you're otherwise comfortable with because your heart isn't ready to let go of him yet. But if he can't give you the commitment you want, and if it's that important to you, then yes, it's time to move on. There's *nothing* wrong with you! Don't start thinking that way (I know I've been down that road). This is a guy who isn't ready to commit, it sounds like, and that's all about HIM, not you. Talk to him, let him know how you're feeling and how long you are/aren't willing to wait for him to make up his mind. The bottom line, to me, is that after 5 years, let alone 5 1/2, the guy should know whether or not he wants to marry you. If he doesn't want to get married, he shouldn't be in a long-term relationship unless he's with a woman who also doesn't want to marry. You need to decide how you want him to treat you, let him know, and if he lives up to it, great, if not, it's time to think about moving on.


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## makeupchicky (Jan 11, 2007)

i know...you are so right. i keep telling myself that this is what i need to do, that i need to look out for myself and make myself happy. the strange thing is, we always talked about marriage and our future together...our honeymoon, kids, etc. i knew he wasn't ready but he wasn't afraid to talk about it. i guess because of that, i always thought marriage and kids would be in our future. but as we got closer to closer to it actually being a reality, he started freaking out and telling me he didn't know when he actually would want to take the plunge. i just don't get it...


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## MacForMe (Jan 11, 2007)

Yikes- Honey, let me give you a big hug before I say this. {{{HUG}}}. he's not going to commit. Sounds like a guy who wants his cake, yet eat it too. Married men can still go on trips with their friends! That one, sounded very lame to me. IMHO. If you continue to talk about it, he will do one of 2 things. 1- Walk away because he feels overtly pressured -OR- 2) Give in. He starts to resent you, that builds up, resulting in many fights, blaming and eventually dissolution. You somewhat answered your own question when you said you dont see a clear future. You guys are definately not on the same page. Besides, at 35, he should have SOME clue on what he wants. Apparently not. Time to cut him loose and find someon that shares your dreams..


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## emily_3383 (Jan 12, 2007)

5yrs and hes 35 and doesnt want to commit anytime soon? wow. I just think like the others have said already that you 2 are at different points in your life. I he doesnt seem like he wants to commit kinda like a "toxic bachelor" on sex and the city. I think you should find someone who at the same place in life as you are.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## pinkbundles (Jan 12, 2007)

I hope I don't offend you, but when I first read it, my first thought was that he didn't think you were the ONE. I find it hard to believe that he can be with you for that long and not see you as someone he'll be married to and start a family with (thus the reason why he doesn't know)! And come on, he's 35, he isn't exactly at that partying age anymore.

I say, talk to him and just ask him point blank if he can see you guys married in the future. If he can't answer, then it's time to move on.


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## enyadoresme (Jan 21, 2007)

i'm neutra--l i honestly don't know what to say

if i were in your situation i'd walk out because i'm not getting what i want and i'm the type of person who is quite focused on getting what she wants

but i can't say what YOU should do

that depends on what kind of person YOU are and what your gut tells you...listen to that 'cause thats the best thing to do


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## AngelaGM (Jan 21, 2007)

Well I know how you feel, I wasted quite a few years on a MUCH older man that was happy the way things were and we had an on and off again relationship for several years... It might be time to cut your losses and move on.... I will be thinking about you.


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## makeupchicky (Jan 22, 2007)

Girls...thank you for all the advice. i am happy to say that as of last week, my BF and i have broken up. I have not talked to or seen him since last Monday (Jan 15th). We had our "final talk" and i basically put everything out there. i told him how much i cared about him and really thought that he was the one...but, he couldn't give me anything. he kept saying that he couldn't give me an answer and that he didn't want to hurt me. what did that mean to me? it meant that 1) either he's not the marrying type, or 2) i'm just not the one. i guess it's plain and simple when you step back and think about everything. if you cant' make a commitment to someone you've been with for 5 years, the truth is, it's never gonna happen.

SO, am i sad and disappointed? of course...but hey, i'm a pretty optimistic person. i think everything happens for a reason and maybe we're just not meant to be. i'm a true believer of that. so, i've been spending a lot of free time with friends, talking to them, kinda coming to terms with everything. it's hard to spend 5 years with someone and all of a sudden losing it. he was in almost every aspect of my life. but i think doing it now is better than doing it 5 or 10 years later. i know that someone better will come along. i put in 100% in our relationship so i know at least i won't end up being the one who regrets it  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

btw...did you guys see my signature? after my breakup, a really good friend said this to me...and it just totally hit home and made everything crystal clear!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## emily_3383 (Jan 22, 2007)

Thanks so much for updating! It seems like you are really doing all right and going to have lots of fun now. I love your signature by the way, its so true.


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## stashblaster (Jan 23, 2007)

I'm proud of you. What a tough step to take. You spent a good chunk of your life with Mr. Maybe, let's hope that you can find your Mr. Right.


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## han (Jan 23, 2007)

i wish you the best i know it isnt easy to breakup with someone you have loved and been with for 5 years **Hugs** to you


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## makeupchicky (Jan 23, 2007)

thank you girls so much for the support and encouragement. it was very very difficult. there have been moments when i really wanted to call him or see him, but i knew that would just lead me back to where i started which is not where i want to be...there are times when i feel so depressed and lonely, and just wonder why me. but i eventually snap out of it and realize that i have family and plenty of great friends around me...that really helps me get through those rough moments....A BIG HUG TO EVERYONE FOR THE SUPPORT AND WELL WISHES...it's exactly what i need at a time like this...:hug:


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## jessimau (Jan 23, 2007)

*HUG* I hope you continue to feel better. It sounds like you really have the right mindset about this and you sound like you're handling it all really well. Even though it's tough, sometimes a resolution makes things a little easier. Thanks for updating us! :7dh: :hugss:


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## pinksugar (Jan 24, 2007)

I'm also proud of you for taking such a scary step. I mean, 35 isnt exactly a youngin' any more. At some point you have to mature, and it sounds like you were way ahead of him in that department.

I know you will find the right person and you'll look back and smile about this because you know you made the right choice. You go girl!

Good luck with everything, it can only get better from here!


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## pinkbundles (Jan 28, 2007)

I'm so proud of you! It's good that you are spending time with family and friends. That's exactly what you need!


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