# Advice



## AnnaBelle (Dec 22, 2006)

I have been with my fiance for 4 years. Engaged for 2 and I love him dearly.

Problem is that I don't get along with his dad. His parents are divorced and his mom lives in SC and he lives here in TN with his dad. At first, I really liked his dad and tried to be nice to him, but it seems like things have went downhill this year.

They went to the beach this year, and his cellphone died so I called their room. Well from what he told me the phones didn't work and they couldn't hear me. I called a couple of times before I knew this, and the last time I called his dad called me a *****. I started crying and I heard him tell his dad off for calling me that.

Then his dad accussed me of cheating on my fiance with this guy. We are friends and that's it. I would never cheat anyways. His dad thinks all women cheat and he told my fiance that if I got a job and become a waitress to dump me because waitresses are hos and they cheat on their SOs.

Thanksgiving- his dad was going to cook a big meal and I was going to come over, but his dad changed his mind at the last minute and said, "I'm not cooking for someone that I can't stand." So my Thanksgiving was ruined, and I never got an apology or nothing.

He also said that if my mom and dad weren't more friendly to him that he was going to tell my dad about it with his fists. My parents go out of their way to be nice to him. Mom has made him brownies, cakes, ect. and took them to him. So I think that nothing will ever be good enough for him.

His dad has took the liberty of inviting himself over to eat Christmas dinner with my family and I. I told my finacee that it was a family only thing, and that we would go over to his house afterwards. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle and there's nothing I can do.

His dad has no friends, no girlfriend and his family can't stand it. He doesn't have a gf because he has had the cops called on him for domestic violence.

I love my fiancee, but this is getting to be just a tad bit much. I try to talk to him about his dad and he says that his dad doesn't get any respect from my family. He knows that I try to be nice to him, and I want our families to get along but you can't make someone like someone else. I am beginning to think that this much stress and being upset all the time isn't worth it. I love him, and we are planning our wedding, but I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading this. Any thoughts/advice is appreciated!


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## Harlot (Dec 22, 2006)

Wow, seems that, no forget it, his dad is a D*ICK. What a complete encephelopathy-ridden assh*le! Doesnt your fiance do anything at all about his fathers irrational behavior? If its really all this bad, then is his fathers opinion really significant to your relationship? I would have disowned my father from my future if he ever acted that way with my fiance (after Ive tried working it out though) until he can behave properly. I guessing I can see why your family doesnt "respect" him though. A guy like that doesnt deserve it, no sir. And although you would love to have both families all merry like, its not always the case. Most of the times actually this isnt even needed. Atleast in my opinion. You could have a happy, healthy relationship without both families needing to approve of eachother, although this would be nice.

But over all, like I said, it isnt neccessary. Do you know why his father detests you so much? From what I can tell its pretty much just a bitter lash. Hes unhappy and doesnt want anyone else to be happy. (Im assuming of course, this is my intake from what youve told me. It could just be something else)


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## Aquilah (Dec 22, 2006)

Sounds to me, IMHO, like his dad is a worthless piece of crap himself that doesn't reseve rights to pass judgment on others!


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## Dragonfly (Dec 22, 2006)

I see a few things here.

Your boyfriend needs to stand up to his father. He needs to make his dad understand that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Why not encourage your boyfriend to move out and get his own apartment or share one with a friend.

This way, you will have very little to do with his dad.

His father doesn't sound like a person you can reason with. He sounds mean spirited and would likely enjoy seeing you split from his son.

I'm sorry you are going through this - you are in a lose/lose situation until your boyfriend becomes more assertive.


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 23, 2006)

He IS unhappy! He doesn't think anyone should be happy. I have no idea why he doesn't like me. He said that I act snotty and stuck up and like I am better than everyone else, and I don't. I was shy around him the first time, and didn't know what to say, so I don't know why he thinks that way of me now. He knows me, and knows how I am.

My fiancee can't move out. He's saving up to go to Pharmacy school in January '08, so he is trying to cut corners the whole way around.

When he talks to his dad, his dad says that he is going to kill himself if my fiance moves out. So Kenny (my fiance) feels like he is constantly stuck in the middle. He always stands up for me, but it just doesn't help. His dad always finds a way to put me down. I know Kenny gets sick of hearing about it, because I get sick of having to go through it.

I am going to try and bite my tongue and not say anything else about the situation unless it gets really bad, because I do love him and I can't see myself with anyone else. When we get married we have decided we are moving FAR FAR away from here for a little while.

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I'm glad that I can come here and vent my feelings and have a great support system. :hugs3:


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## Shelley (Dec 24, 2006)

> He IS unhappy! He doesn't think anyone should be happy. When he talks to his dad, his dad says that he is going to kill himself if my fiance moves out. So Kenny (my fiance) feels like he is constantly stuck in the middle. He always stands up for me, but it just doesn't help. His dad always finds a way to put me down. I know Kenny gets sick of hearing about it, because I get sick of having to go through it.
> 
> His dad is being a jerk, sorry to sound so mean. You mentioned the cops have been called in the past due to past domestic violence. He still sounds abusive, controlling, disrespects women, calling you the B word etc. The part about killing himself if your fiance moves out is a guilt trip. I know about this because I was in a very violent relationship and my ex use to threaten to kill himself if I left him. Sounds like he is trying to pull the same thing on his son. Well I hated my ex for what he did to me but at the same time felt guilty if I left and he killed himself, so I know how he feels about leaving.
> 
> ...


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 24, 2006)

He really has no family up here, and my sister is living with us so we don't have much room either. I was actually trying to be nice so I called tonight and invited him to Christmas lunch. Well he said he was going with this girl that Kenny didn't even know about. I don't know if he abused Kenny or not as a child, and I don't know if Kenny would ever tell me. I do know that he threw a coffee cup at Kenny about 3 years ago, because we were going on a trip.

Thanks for the advice it really helped. I know he would feel guilty if he did move out and something happened to his dad. I just feel so stuck in the middle, like there's nothing I can do either way. :scared:


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## Shelley (Dec 25, 2006)

That is awful he threw a cup at him just because the two of you were going on a trip. Sounds like he has jealousy issues but that doesn't give him the right to hurl a cup at him. Well usually with abuse victims, we tend to keep it quiet, plus with him being a man, usually more difficult for them to talk about it. Maybe if was abused or witnessed abuse, he will open up to you eventually.

I understand you feel stuck in the middle, but I think if the oppurtunity arrives he should move out or both of you move far away. So your parents know what his dad is like?


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 25, 2006)

I haven't told them everything, but they do know some things. I know his dad was abusive to his mom. I talk to his Mom a lot, and it is good to talk to someone that understands how he is.

I gave him an ultimatium tonight. I told him that I was sick and I wanted him to come over and spend time with me for a few hours. I told him that things were going to have to change, and lo and behold, he showed up at my house at 5pm on the button. I was so happy. I really think that he may be starting to see that his dad is trying to control our relationship.

Thank you for being so supportive, and giving great advice. You are such a sweetheart!


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## Shelley (Dec 25, 2006)

That is good that you talk to his mom alot, yes she would definitely know what her ex hubby is like. Sounds like he is trying to control your relationship. As I found out, abusers always like to be in control, sounds like that is what he is doing to your relationship, since he has noone else in his life, such as a wife, gf, to control .

That is good that he showed up at your door and listened to you tonight. Your fiance may not see the control issue as open as you see it because he likely heard or witnessed the abuse between his dad and mom and sort of became use to it, maybe sees it almost normal. I know for myself, when my ex abused me, I almost began to think it was normal, became use to it. Deep down you sense it is not normal, but on the surface you are trying to survive or you believe it is normal to protect yourself from feeling the pain. But from an outside person they would have seen it as horrible. So he could sort of be use to the pattern of his dad. I'm not trying to make excuses for your fiance, I just know what it is like from a victims side of things. I really hope this goes in your favor and everything will work out for you.


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 25, 2006)

I completley understand what you are saying. I just think he doesn't want to really see what's going on, because his dad is all the time offering up a guilt trip a mile long for him.

His parents divorced when he was a year old, but he seen his dad get very hateful and rough with his mom during drop offs and what not. He's not had an easy life, and sometimes I feel bad for making him pick between his dad and me. I just want to tell him to cut the "apron strings" so to speak. Things seem to be better for now. I'm really going to try and just "suck it up" and be nice to his dad. Maybe if I'm nicer and what not he won't have such a problem with me. I love Kenny dearly and there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him. I really want to make things work with him, because I can't see myself with anyone else. It's just a hard situation. I can't wait to get married and move somewhere FAR off. He's studying to be a pharmacist, and I'm going to be a college history professor, so we could make more money if we did move to a bigger city. Where we live right now has a population of about 40,000 (i think) which isn't a very big city.

I also know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I was in one for almost a year. I just can't stand to see a man disrespect a woman, hit a woman, or talk down to a woman, and I think that's why I have such a problem with his dad, is because I had that done to me, so I know how that stuff feels.


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## buttercup972 (Dec 25, 2006)

You cant let this bitter, mean man ruin what you have. Hopefully your fiancee can see what his father is doing to your relationship and put an end to it before it is too late.


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## pinkbundles (Dec 26, 2006)

sounds to me that his dad is a piece of shit! but if you love him and he's good to you and he defends you, then i think you should make things work. you can always choose to ignore the dad.


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 26, 2006)

He is good to me! He treats me like a princess. I'm so glad he didn't turn out like his dad, and his dad can be ignored. Maybe if I ignore him enough, he will go away! lol


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## MacForMe (Dec 26, 2006)

Who needs that! What a mess. and the father sounds like a coward and if you ask me, i'd say confrontation time!!! Seriously.. When he invited himself over, I would have reminded him of Thanksgiving.. and better yet, I would definately ask him just WHAT his problem is.. be open and bold about it.. don't be shy or subserviant.. Let him HAVE IT.. and let him know you are NOT a pushover and not about to have this JerkO*f ruin everything.. Put him in his place.. Enough is enough.. He may back off when he sees you're not playing.


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## ms_sunlight (Dec 27, 2006)

AnnaBelle, I am so saddened to read this. The man sounds like a real pain in the backside.

Sadly, people just don't change. My situation hasn't been that bad, but I've been with my sweetie since 1995, married since 2000 and I still don't get on with his brother, who is a jerk. He's been rude and condescending to me from the start.

People get used to the way their family members behave. To them they've grown up with it, it's normal. My sweetie has never been able to confront his brother about his rudeness to me, even though earlier on in our relationship it really hurt me.

When you and your fiance tie the knot and live together he will not be on the scene so much and you will find it easier. The only thing you can do is to keep him at a distance and don't let him see that he hurts you. Bullies enjoy seeing people hurt. If he thinks he can drive you off with his behaviour then he will keep doing it. Be strong, eh?


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## AnnaBelle (Dec 27, 2006)

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It's really sad. I usually don't wear my feelings on my shirtsleeve. If something bothers me, then I will say a little something, but I am the type of person that keeps it in until I'm alone, and then I just let it go. I can't wait to marry him, but I have to at least have my masters in history before that, or be in school getting my masters which is only a year and a half away! He's starting Pharmacy School in hopefully August 2007.


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## speerrituall1 (Dec 27, 2006)

Dad is what's known as a poisoned apple--he's selfish and has found a way to focus all of the attention on himself. Ignore him so that he can grow up!


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## Kimmers86 (Dec 29, 2006)

It sounds like his dad has so little self esteem and is miserable with himself that he wants everyone else to be miserable too. Your fiance does need to stand up to him, but that's not always easy and may make things worse. My fiance's mom is kind of like yours dad, makes them feel so horrible and guilty that they just do whatever they want. I would hold out until you can move and get away from his negativity and start a real life together, fresh.


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## ms_sunlight (Dec 29, 2006)

Thanks for the kind thought! It does suck, but you get used to it and find ways to deal. It sounds like the two of you have plans together and that your relationship is strong and your future well thought-out. Whatever happens with the nasty father, I hope you both find the love and strength to deal with it together.

Just remember that no matter how much he loves you, there are things he's not going to be good at dealing with. It probably hurts him as much as it hurts you, even if it doesn't seem that way.


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