# Overparenting - Anxious Parent, Angry Child Syndrome



## daer0n (Apr 1, 2008)

What is *overparenting*? Do we engage in this behavior? Find out when you read about *overparenting* by Dr. Thomas Phelan.
*Overparenting: Anxious Parent, Angry Child*
*Overparenting* refers to unnecessary corrective, cautionary or disciplinary comments made by parents to kids. These parental comments can be unnecessary for several reasons: 1) The child already has the skill necessary to manage the situation. 2) Even if the child doesnâ€™t have all the necessary skills to manage the situation, it would be preferable for the youngster to learn by direct experience. 3) In addition to 1 or 2, the issue involved is trivial.
The issue of *overparenting* is critical for two reasons: 1) parents who overparent usually do it repeatedly, and 2) overparenting has predictable, negative effects on children. Kids will have several reactions to unnecessary parental warnings and unnecessary discipline, and none of these responses will be positive. Add these reactions up over time, and you can have a significant negative impact on a childâ€™s personality and self-esteem.
The first negative reaction kids have to *overparenting* is anger. This is what we call the â€œ*Anxious Parent, Angry Child*â€ syndrome. Anxious moms and dads who continually verbalize their worries about their kids to their kids will inevitably irritate the youngsters. Sometimes, of course, verbalizing a worry or concern is necessary. â€œRemember to look both ways before crossing the streetâ€ said to a four-year-old who doesnâ€™t have the skill yet, is necessary for the childâ€™s safety.
*Overparenting is a Put-down*
Itâ€™s the consistent and pointless repetition of worries that aggravates youngsters. Why do kids find the repetition aggravating? In short, because it insults them. The parentâ€™s basic message is this: I have to worry about you so much because youâ€™re incompetent; thereâ€™s not much you can do on your own without my supervision and direction. No child likes to be put down, and overparenting is a put-down.
That point leads us to the second negative reaction children have to unnecessary parental interventions: the undermining of the childâ€™s confidence. If you grow up constantly hearing your parentâ€™s thoughts about how you canâ€™t handle this and you canâ€™t handle that, youâ€™re not going to have a very high opinion of your own abilities. â€œNow donâ€™t get too loud at the party and be sure to take turns and remember to thank Mrs. Johnson and be nice to the other children and...â€ The message as received: â€œYouâ€™re a social imbecile.â€ *Overparenting *is the opposite of one of a parentâ€™s most fundamental jobs: fostering self-esteem by encouraging independence and autonomy.
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## Adrienne (Apr 1, 2008)

I hate to say this but I know plenty of women detest their mother in laws. But my mother in law isn't that bad but this is her comletely and unfornately a bit rubbed off on my husband. We had to take a trip two states away and she was like "Keep your eye on the road. Don't look to the side even if Adrienne(me) is talking to you" to my husband. Or when I cook, she tells me "be careful, don't put it too high, don't burn yourself, don't stir it too fast. Are you sure its not burning?" She gets on my last nerve! It's no wonder my sis in law has mental problems.


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