# Okay; boyfriend troubles?



## mandy_ (Oct 8, 2006)

Alright, I just posted in the Are you okay with your boyfriend going to a strip club? thread. My boyfriend went to a strip club this weekend in Canada with a bunch of his friends. I was not okay with it; at all. I tried to explain myself to him, I cried, and told him I don't feel comfortable with him going to pay to look at another girl. He went anyways. Here are some things I said to him before he went:

1. You won't spend money to take me out on a date, but you are willing to pay to go watch some other girl dance naked for you?

2. I'm not comfortable with this; It makes me feel really weird.

3. Why? Why do you feel like you have to go look at another girl?

4. Am I not good enough?

It's probably stupid, but I cried a lot over this. I really feel like he ripped part of my heart out and stepped on it by going to look at another girl. It's not like we just started dating either; it's been 2 1/2 years. You'd think he would understand me by now. I feel so unrespected right now. I kinda feel like he cheated on me in a way; even though he didn't? He swares that he didn't touch anyone, and that no one touched him. He got mad at me after I asked him that; and said thanks for trusting me. But what am I supose to think, when I left him that night we were both pissed at each other. Do you think he is telling the truth? I believe him; I guess. I don't think he would touch another girl no matter how pissed we were at each other.

I just honestly don't know what to think; or how to feel; or what to say? I've tried to talk to him, but he doesn't want to hear it. A few girls said not to worry unless he wants to keep going to strip clubs. One of my guy friends that acutually understood where I was coming from said "he probably just wanted to go out and be with the guys" and I understand; but why does it have to be to look at other girls?

I just want to know what to say to him; without making him mad. How do I make him understand why I was upset. I love him with all of my heart, and I would do anything for him. I don't want to fight with him over this anymore, but I just can't forget about it. I just feel so angry about it. But he is also mad at me. I feel like maybe we were both wrong; and I admitted that I was probably wrong in acting the way I did. He said he's sorry he hurt my feelings but he's not sorry that he went? I just don't know what to do or how to feel about this. Someone please help; make me feel okay.

Sorry that this was so long; thanks for listening.


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## mebabygirl86 (Oct 8, 2006)

sweety ive been thru the same thing with my man.You are justified to feel this way.Dont thing there is anything wrong with YOU.Alot of gurls are uncomfortable with their man watching naked girls.I feel like your wishes should be respected or at least considered.A guy does not have to go to a strip club to hang out with his friends.there are bars and clubs.You have to sit down with him and express urself calmly.here his side also and discuss.come to a common decision.ask him how'd he feel if you went to a strip club.hope i helped ya out


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## han (Oct 8, 2006)

ALL men like to look at naked girls so dont make him feel single out or a freak guys like visuale stimulation watching a naked girl dance is very stimulateing guys like porn for the same reason and alot of women feel uncomfortable with there man getting stimulation looking at another girl have you ever notice they love mirriors when there doing you guys are visuale creatures dont take it as something is wrong with you or your not good enough for him maybe go with him once and dont feel uncomfortable i was a exotic dancer for four years and go go dancer for two and i can tell you they dont want your man just his $$ once in awhile me and my husband go and i get lap dances too and i dont mind him going by his self as long as its not an addiction and takeing attention away from me the more you tell some one not to do something the more they will want too and it could be way worst he could be haveing an affair with emotions involved all guys are gonna visit a strip club at least once or twice dont feel insecure it has nothing to do with you men are the way they are and as long as hes not cheating then dont worry boys will be boys


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## mandy_ (Oct 8, 2006)

I acutually thought of that and I said how would you feel if I went to watch a bunch of naked guys dance around? He said that he wouldn't care. I think honestly though, if it came down to that; he would. He wouldn't want me to go watch some guy dance around naked in front of me.

I wish he would have just respected my wishes; like you said or at least consider them. I just wish I could sit down and calmly talk to him. I'll sit down and talk and talk and talk and he won't say ANYTHING so then I get mad because how are we supose to work things out if he won't talk?

Thanks. Every little bit helps.


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## Aquilah (Oct 8, 2006)

I almost wish John would go to a strip club! He's never been, and he's almost 28! I commend him for it, but he should still go at least once!

Anywho! Your man most definitely didn't cheat on you, at least not IMHO. I think it's only natural for guys to want to go to strip clubs; lots of couples go together these days too.

I can almost bet he probably didn't touch, especially as most strip clubs don't allow the women to be touched by patrons of the clubs. Although, I'm not sure if it's different in Canada than in the US. Not to mention, not all strip clubs are full nudity, as some are only topless. Some do actually bare all... You probably would've felt even more put out if he'd gone to a club or a bar where women can freely touch and be touched...

I would wait for things to cool down, and then try to talk to him about why you feel as you do. Without making it seem as though you're accusing him of being unfaithful or not caring about you. Give him a chance to explain his side as to why he went.

Unfortunately, all relationships have some sense of raodblock at some time, and I think this might've been one for you. Guys will be guys, and they'll want to go "guy things" like looking at half naked women, or whatever guys do when they're in packs.

I wish you the best with this situation. Like I said, try your best to talk to him once you've both calmed down from the previous conversations. Maybe you'll come to a better understanding as to how you both feel once things have died down, and you've had time to think it over. HTH!


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## mandy_ (Oct 8, 2006)

Thanks. Sadly, I know this was a club where the girls are aloud to touch. I heard some of the guys that went talking about it. How the girl came over to one of them and put her leg on his shoulder and was dancing around. They told her that it was his first time and to make it worthwhile. -gag-. Honestly. I don't think he cheated on me either. But I really really hope they didn't tell one of the girls it was my boyfriends first time and had her do stuff like that to him. Because if she touched him in anyway, I will feel like I was cheated on. He promised me on his life no one touched him and that he didn't touch anyone.

He did go to a dance club before they went to the strip club. He didn't want me to go; I was going to but he said no. I'm not sure what happened at the dance club either. The sad thing is; some of the other guys that went have girlfriend; and their girlfriends didn't care. I think that's why my boyfriend doesn't understand why I care so much. One of the guys is married and apperently was in a private booth for like a half hour. If I was his wife, I'd be fuming. But then again, she'll never know because she wasn't around.

Bahh. He won't answer my phone calls. He obviously doesn't want to speak to me. That hurts worst of all. The fact that he won't talk to me. I am so close with him; so..not speaking just kills me. I wish he would give me the chance to talk to him and see how he feels, but he won't talk about what happened that night or why he felt like he needed to go.

Hopefully things cool off and go back to how they were. I just .. wish this whole thing never happened. Plus; I'm on my period so obviously I am wayyy more emotional than I normally would have been. Which is why I think I cried and cried and cried. I also think thats why I just want to keep crying. Gahhh, I hate this!


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## Dragonfly (Oct 8, 2006)

Mandy, I posted a message on the other thread a few hours ago.

I feel bad that my words might have upset you - I apologize if I did.

As I stated earlier, have a cooling off period before you talk to him again.

What about third party mediating, so the two of you can remain focused, and things don't get out of hand - screaming match.

There is one thing I don't understand. Why is he so angry?

Why is he making you feel like you have done something wrong?

From my experience, never let your man tell you that his friend did something and the wife accepted, so he can do the same thing (or similar) and you should accept. My husband pulled that on me once and I called it for what it was - guilt induced manipulation or BS for short.

Anyways, take care and I hope things work out.


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

I'm not really sure. I think it's a combo of me "not trusting him", and yelling at him. I guess I made him feel bad by not really trusting him, but it's not that I didn't trust him, I just didn't like the fact that he was going to look at other girls.

I don't understand why it was such a big deal to him. I feel like he kind of did it to spite me, because I didn't want him to go. I've asked him why so many times and he hasn't been able to give me answer. I am assuming it's because of peer pressure basically, his friends wanted him to go and if he didn't go because of me then they'd say he's "whipped". Boys are so stupid sometimes.

I'm not sure why he is making me feel like I did something wrong; I honestly still don't feel like I was out of line. I know alot of girls who would react the same why I did. I mean it's pretty natural for a girlfriend to feel weird about their boyfriend going to watch other girls, right? I honestly feel like I am going to be comparing myself to what he saw at the strip club. I am a skinny tall girl, with hardly any boobs. He says he loves me the way I am..but I am so self concious. I feel like he'll like what he saw there better than me now. I guess that's my biggest fear. They are obviously better looking if they are getting money for guys to come look at them. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. I was the first girl my boyfriend was ever with. I just recently gave him my virginity (mid-august) so I have an even bigger attachment to him now. I just felt so jealous that he was going to look at other girls.

..I guess I still am?

Don't worry though, you didn't hurt my feelings.


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## Lia (Oct 9, 2006)

If he's with you now, he won't change and leave you just because he saw "a better looking girl". Men see "goddesses" every time, and even though they might be better looking than the woman they have, they're not with that girl just because of her body . It's about love and passion and it's all that matters.


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

Originally Posted by *lia_matos* /img/forum/go_quote.gif If he's with you now, he won't change and leave you just because he saw "a better looking girl". Men see "goddesses" every time, and even though they might be better looking than the woman they have, they're not with that girl just because of her body . It's about love and passion and it's all that matters. You are right.. and I know you are. It's just weird, because I feel like in the back of my head he's going to compare me to what he saw that night.


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## mebabygirl86 (Oct 9, 2006)

i hope that you guys speak soon bcuz him ignoring your calls is not cool.and as for the lame excuse about feeling like his friends would say hes whipped is total bs.I dont know why guys think like that. if a man has enough security in himself his friends cant make him do anything.and as for the "you cant touch the strippers"story,please.my man spit all of that garbage to me too.they think we dont know things and we're just gonna be comfortable with it.and a girlfriends worse enemy can be a persuasive friend.if you know ur man is not the kind to do things cuz "everyone" was doing it then you should be fine but if he's not,you have a right to question him.especially if his friends were having a good time so to speak.


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

Well, we are talking online a little bit right now. He is def not the type to do something just because everyone else is. I can proudly say neither one of us have ever drank/smoked/done drugs. I could have legally drank in Canada this weekend but I choose to wait until I turn 21 to have a nice girly drink at TGIFridays. Heh. He could have legally drank also, but I know he didn't. He's really against drinking, and I can't really see him drinking even once he is 21. So he's def not swayed by peer pressure usually, which is why I found it weird that he gave in to the strip club so easily. It really doesn't seem like something he would do on a whim on his own choice.

I just am feeling so anxious over this whole thing; I want it to be over. I want things to be okay. I want peace between us!


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## han (Oct 9, 2006)

i feel like if two people are truly or deeply in love it will take more than a great pair off ass or tits to come inbetween that so you need to be honest with your self do you feel that type of love or connection didnt you say he was 19 hes still a lil boy hes not acting very mature or his friends or they wouldnt be rubing it in your face and if he respected you he wouldnt let them disrespect you and let them say hurtful things sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and do you love him enough to be patient cause it may take some time if he's 19 im not trying to make you feel worst but try and be realistic here he's a teenager still hes still haveing fun and hes young and should be able too and i dont think any 19 year old girl or guy should be tied down or be controlled does anyone disagree?? please tell me and you getting mad or telling him he cant do things might scare him no one that young wants to feel controlled i mean your just comeing into independance


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

He is 19, but we have been in a commited relationship for 2 and a half years. I think that's enough time to at least have a little more respect for my wishes. Espically as I have said we just gave each other our virginity. That was huge for me. We waited 2 and a half years, to make sure we were ready and I feel like us sharing that connection was our commitment to each other. And no, I'm not trying to stop him from having fun. I just don't agree with strip clubs, I don't see why he needs to go have fun by looking at other naked girls when he can just look at me naked whenever he pleases.

Yes, I feel that kind of love &amp; connection, I wouldn't have stayed with him for this long if I didn't. I wouldn't have gave him my virginity if I didn't. He means the world to me. Yes, I am very patient with him. I know he still has to grow up. He tells me he never wants to get married or have kids, but I'm being patient because in my heart I feel like that will change as he gets older. I know I still have more time to grow up too, but I would never do something he didn't agree with. If it was something he really disagreed with and I didn't, I'd at least take his feelings or thoughts into consideration.


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## han (Oct 9, 2006)

then relax you dont have anything to worry about..lol


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## IronMaiden71 (Oct 9, 2006)

Hi Mandy,

I've been in your position and it's not fun in any way shape or form. I think you need to really sit down and decide if this is the kind of relationship you want, where you have to worry about whether or not you are making your boyfriend angry, when clearly he has no regard for your feelings, I was in a very long relationship just like that, and I feel for you.Your man should make you feel good!!! Have a night out with your friends feel good about yourself and who you are and decide if this is where you want to be in life ( relationship wise) there are so many good guys out there you would be surprised. It does take trial and error so to speak to come across them.

Just make sure you worry about yourself and YOUR feelings first!


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## 4getmeNot (Oct 9, 2006)

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time! Sex is a big step, and what I'm thinking is maybe he's a little freaked out because you all finally did it. Some guys act shady afterwards. I think that that was completely immature of him not to take your feelings into consideration, but if he apoligizes and really understands why it made you upset, it's ok, as long as he doesn't continue to do that to you! IMO, I think that you should give him a taste of his own medicine, and go out with your friends one night and have fun! Sometimes that's what it takes for someone to realize their own behaviors.


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

Thanks everyone. After talking with a few friends and hearing what you all have to say, I feel a little better. He isn't really talking to me; as hard as I try to talk to him. I appoligized for acting a little crazy. I told him that I accept that he went, I can't change that. But I told him that it still makes me feel uncomfortable. He hasn't answered me, but we'll see.

You are right, I should just go out with some friends and have a nice night. It isn't fun feeling like this. He is my boyfriend; he should make me feel good and happy. I know he is what I want. I just wish he would listen.


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## jessimau (Oct 9, 2006)

Just try to go out and have a good time and give him some space. I have a couple different reactions to this, but first I'd like to hear how things unfold over the next couple days. Maybe he's just so freaked out by your reaction that he wants some space to process the whole thing and that's why he's not talking to you. Regardless, he should take your feelings into consideration and vice versa.

I know the gut reaction to your man going to strip clubs. My boyfriend's been to one the whole 5 1/2 years we've been together (in part out of respect for my socio-political beliefs) and only because he was at a bachelor party b/c he was a groomsman. I was really pissed off beforehand and really annoyed afterwards. He had to be extra nice to me and extra reassuring for the next week to make me feel even a little bit better. He also told me all about the evening and what he did &amp; didn't do, which helped. The full disclosure set my mind at ease, even though I know he'd never cheat. Knowing that he didn't even get a lap dance and put himself in an area where the girls couldn't really get to him made me feel much better. I think it's an idiotic tradition to celebrate your choice to make a lifetime committment to one preson by going out and looking at a bunch of other people naked.

Yes, men are visually stimulated, but they should be able to temper their desire for new visual stimuli with respect for their SO's wishes and feelings. Especially if you have any insecurities about your body, as I do. I'm not all that tall, but I'm really flat-chested and have a big butt; a lot of women who work in strip clubs around here end up getting implants to improve their business. If a man is the right man for you, he won't continually compare your body to the bodies of other women he's seen. Oh, and many of the women I've met around here who are strippers are not at all attractive. One made me think men would be paying her to put her clothes back on.

Keep us updated! I hope he starts talking to you soon!


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

Well, he called me last night. I talked to him for a little bit. He wasn't really answering. So I asked if he wanted to talk to me, and he said not really. I asked if he was mad and he said "kinda". I asked why, and he couldn't give me an answer. I asked why again, and he said "I don't feel good". I told him that I didn't make him sick and that wasn't a fair answer to be mad at me. He didn't say anything so I said I was going to go. I said goodnight, and I love you. He told me that he loves me too.

Mind you, this was after I asked him not too call me too late. He called at 3:30 AM. I couldn't fall back asleep after because I was kind of upset again. Upset that he's mad, but can't tell me specifically WHY. I know that I got a little crazy and flipped out, but if he can't say that's why he is mad, then what is he mad about? I was up til about 4:30 or so, and I woke up at 7:30 to get ready for school. I'm waiting for him to pick me up, so we'll see how today goes.

Hopefully better than I am expecting. I feel so anxious, my heart hurts. Kind of like I'm going to have a panic attack. I've had them before, so I am trying to relax, but it's hard. I am under so much stress right now, and this whole situation is just adding to it.


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## geebers (Oct 9, 2006)

im so sorry you are going through this ... but to be honest this situation seems like something far more major than strip clubs.

If you were secure in yourself and this relationship - so he goes to a strip club - big deal. I don't approve of them but they are there and these women are consenting adults dancing (if the issue is moral) and what guy is going to dump you for a stripper who most likely has her own life and no interest in him? Would you even be with a guy like that?

But it does bother you and it got to this point where you are crying and miserable and he is not responding to you. Obvioulsy it is time to really take a good look at yourself and your relationship. He should never have pushed you away but he did and there seems to be something deeper going on here.

Why do you feel so insecure about this? Why do you think he cheated? I think these are questions you really need to think about before the two of you can resolve this. And he needs help to - he needs to think about why he not only went against your wishes but feels the need to push you away.

Sorry if I sound so harsh but I feel like this strip club issue is completely covering the point. The point here is trust and that;s what you two need to work out.


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## flychick767 (Oct 9, 2006)

Mandy, I would not worry too much. Strip clubs are a guy thing. My guy goes eveyonce in a while with his friends, and I get together with the other guys girlfriends or wives and we go have dinner.

We know where they are going, and none of us are worried. We are very confident in our relationships, so it does not bother us.

And when they get home, the sex is great. LOL


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## jessimau (Oct 9, 2006)

I'm so sorry he's still being a jerk. How many days ago did this happen now? I saw your post in the other thread and it seems like it's been 3 days or so. Has he ever held a grudge from a fight this long before?

Ok, quick tip on the panicking. Take deep breaths and then ask yourself, "will worrying about this change the outcome?" Do it every time you catch yourself starting to get freaked about it and when the answer is "no," tell yourself that you've already invested too much of yourself in this worrying and you need that energy. Tell yourself to stop it every time you catch yourself doing it. It's hard, but it can really make a difference. I know it helps me. Also, speaking as someone who has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how important it is to have an SO who is sensitive to that. My BF does his best to reassure me, sometimes even over-reassure me, because he knows I have a tendency to freak out. Your BF should be understanding about your panic attacks.

Honestly, it sounds to me, if I got the timeline right, like he did something he's ashamed of. It could be as simple as realizing after the fact that he was a jerk about the whole situation. He could also be reconsidering your relationship, and if he's going to do that just because of this one fight, you'll be better off without him. I think, though, that he may just need some more time to clear his head about all this. Like I said before, keep us updated!


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## Lia (Oct 9, 2006)

Originally Posted by *mandy_* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Well, he called me last night. I talked to him for a little bit. He wasn't really answering. So I asked if he wanted to talk to me, and he said not really. I asked if he was mad and he said "kinda". I asked why, and he couldn't give me an answer. I asked why again, and he said "I don't feel good". I told him that I didn't make him sick and that wasn't a fair answer to be mad at me. He didn't say anything so I said I was going to go. I said goodnight, and I love you. He told me that he loves me too.
Mind you, this was after I asked him not too call me too late. He called at 3:30 AM. I couldn't fall back asleep after because I was kind of upset again. Upset that he's mad, but can't tell me specifically WHY. I know that I got a little crazy and flipped out, but if he can't say that's why he is mad, then what is he mad about? I was up til about 4:30 or so, and I woke up at 7:30 to get ready for school. I'm waiting for him to pick me up, so we'll see how today goes.

Hopefully better than I am expecting. I feel so anxious, my heart hurts. Kind of like I'm going to have a panic attack. I've had them before, so I am trying to relax, but it's hard. I am under so much stress right now, and this whole situation is just adding to it.

Probably he's mad at you because on his thoughts you didn't trust him and is making a big thing on something that shouldn't be , and that he loves you but can't understand why you're feeling like that , because it was just a woman dancing , not that he doesn't love you.
Why he doesn't speak out? Probably for 2 reasons:

1st : men have issues on speaking about abstract things. It's on their genes - geek moment ahead - it's proven that women have more communication between the 2 sides of the brain , which makes us better on communication skills , so we speak our thoughts, walk on the treadmill and listen to music all at the same time, while men most of the times can focus on only 1 or 2 activities.

2nd: probably he feels like i do when people ask me about what i'm feeling: i prefer not to talk, because i don't want to hurt them and because i feel like i'll be doing harm when i talk about my feelings. Also there's that strange feeling that the thing you're talking right now can be used on the future against you and the pure embarressment. So it's a lot of things.


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## Dragonfly (Oct 9, 2006)

I read through all of the post and I agree with the last paragraph Jessimau wrote. It ties into the questions I asked: Why is he so angry and why is he making you feel bad? Is this how he behaves when the two of you have had other disagreements?

I know that guys hate confrontation but I also know that they can be very manipulative and try to twists things around as a form of control.

Have you spoken to a neutral male that can give you some perspective on his behaviour? You seem like a really nice person. I hope things work out the way you want.


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## mandy_ (Oct 9, 2006)

Acutually yes. Today wasn't really a good day for us. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to. I called one of our good male friends when I got inside and asked him what to do. He suggested just letting him have his space and writing him a letter explaining what I need to explain. So, I sat down and wrote a letter. Telling him I am sorry for getting upset, sorry for blowing it out of control, sorry for not having faith in him. I really do trust him, and now thinking about it, I realize how stupid I was to flip out the way I did. I really hope he understands that I made a mistake and I hope he will forgive me. He is talking to me right now online a little bit. I'm not bringing up the topic anymore though. I just want things to be better.

I love him with all of my heart, and I hope he forgives me. I know we can get past this. It just might take a little work. I think after 2 1/2 years, he just wants a little more freedom. Obviously he is faithful to me, he's never given me a reason to distrust him. I just need to let him do what he needs to do. I know he'll be coming home to me at the end of the day. I just hope I didn't realize that too late.

Originally Posted by *jessimau* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm so sorry he's still being a jerk. How many days ago did this happen now? I saw your post in the other thread and it seems like it's been 3 days or so. Has he ever held a grudge from a fight this long before?
Ok, quick tip on the panicking. Take deep breaths and then ask yourself, "will worrying about this change the outcome?" Do it every time you catch yourself starting to get freaked about it and when the answer is "no," tell yourself that you've already invested too much of yourself in this worrying and you need that energy. Tell yourself to stop it every time you catch yourself doing it. It's hard, but it can really make a difference. I know it helps me. Also, speaking as someone who has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how important it is to have an SO who is sensitive to that. My BF does his best to reassure me, sometimes even over-reassure me, because he knows I have a tendency to freak out. Your BF should be understanding about your panic attacks.

Honestly, it sounds to me, if I got the timeline right, like he did something he's ashamed of. It could be as simple as realizing after the fact that he was a jerk about the whole situation. He could also be reconsidering your relationship, and if he's going to do that just because of this one fight, you'll be better off without him. I think, though, that he may just need some more time to clear his head about all this. Like I said before, keep us updated!

Well, I think you are right. I think he feels bad that he hurt my feelings, but he doesn't regret going. Which is fine. I'm over it. I've realized that I made a mistake. I realize I trust him with everything. He would not do something to hurt me. It just took some time for me to realize that. I've always trusted him, I don't know what happened and made me think he would ever do something to hurt me. I think honestly, it was just that we both left each other so pissed off, I was afraid he might do something to spite me. I realize how stupid that was. I wish I could take everything back, because I would.

He's held grudges this long before. I guess about now is when we would be fixing it. At least he's talking to me online now. He says he'll call me tonite too. Thanks for the advice on the panicing. I've been able to control it most of the time anymore, but sometimes I just can't.

Thanks everyone for your help. You've really opened my eyes and made me see what I needed to see. I shouldn't be jealous. I shouldn't worry. He loves me. He isn't the kind of guy that would cheat. I'm sure he just wanted to go and hang out with his friends. I really hope things work out okay, though I am pretty sure they will. I realize my mistakes, I just hope he is willing to forgive me for them.


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## rlise (Oct 10, 2006)

i hate to say this , i really do but if your man likes going to the strip joints then more then likely this issue will never be resolved.

my BF never went to dance clubs only strip clubs , and once we had kids , i said no more, but ooo no we still argue about it to this day. retard we argue about it because he doesnt go anymore, but i know he wants too thats why we argue still. where i live the clubs are nasty , down right rub all naked parts in your face! so yea if he ever goes we will have a throw down. i have told him that we can go or we can watch porn , but he never wants to include me in it. i know why .... he ya know ... too it., thats why he doesnt include me. and that makes me furious. if you cant include me then YOU cant do it. real simple!

i hope this issue gets resolved because its really tough and a pain to have to fight about this!


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## mandy_ (Oct 10, 2006)

Well, he's only went once. I hope he won't really feel the need to go anymore.

If he does though, that's his choice. I can't stop him. He is his own person. As I said, I have no reason to not trust him. He will be coming home to me in the end. I'm the one he loves. I just need to have things work out now.


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## jessimau (Oct 10, 2006)

Mandy, I'm glad you're feeling better, but WOW there's a change in your posts. It's almost like your parroting somethig to make yourself believe it. Yes, you may have overreacted, yes maybe you got too upset, but you are a peron entitled to your own opinions and feelings on things. If it truly did bother you that he went to a strip club, acting like it's no longer an issue *will not* fix anything. It will lead to hurt and resentment on one side or the other down the road. Your relationship should be strong enough to weather a freak out like this without hiding it under the rug. Issues need to be dealt with.

I know you jsut want him to come back now, but you have to think about what happens after taht. Don't just kowtow to his wishes...you're part of this relationship too and giving in to him isn't a guarantee to happiness of any kind. Nor will it guarantee he'll stick around. You need to be strong within yourself in order to be strong in a relationship.

Oh lord, I sound like Dr. Phil. Sorry! Just, when he comes back and you talk, try to have a calm, rational talk about what happened and how it made you feel at the time. You can explain to him that even though you know he'd never cheat and you trust him, the idea of him looking at other women naked makes you uncomfortable. Look over your letter, maybe write a new one with your "argument" for what you felt. That'll help you gather your thoughts and state your case more clearly.


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## lglala84 (Oct 10, 2006)

ok how old is he? He is acting very childlike. Well I wouldnt approve of this either. So you are not alone. As far as going to one I can understand he is a guy and at least one time to see what its like ok. I just think maybe you should actually go to a strip club to see what its like, go to see the guys with your girls and do exactly what he did, maybe that will relieve some tension from you, and you can kind of experiment what he did. And see his actual reaction to this. I think this would make me feel better if I was in your position.


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## mandy_ (Oct 10, 2006)

I guess it was a big change in my posts. I honestly do feel sorry. I'm really shaken up though, I do not want to lose him. I've been having chest pains and I've been shaking because I have no idea what he wants anymore. He really means the world to me. I just want him to be able to accept that I made a mistake. I want him to be able to understand why I got upset, but understand that I accept that he has the right to do what he wants.

I'm trying so hard to stay strong. It's scary though. He called me last night. I told him that I hope he is feeling better. I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me too. I said goodnight and we hung up.

I'll see him today: We have practice and he drives me, so..I'm just going to try and act normal around him. I'm not going to ask him to talk. I'm just going to act how I normally would around him. When he drops me off back at home, I think I'll give him the letter. I'm not too sure though.

..I just so badly want things to be okay.


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## han (Oct 10, 2006)

mandy im sorry you are hurting confused and i can understand how you feel and i also can understand how girls would be uncomfortable with there guy in a strip club imagination can get the best of us but really the dancers are not trying to date or hook up with clients and they really have to be careful not to break the rules the club could lose there liquor license and the ones stupid or desperate to leave with strangers are not attractive strung out and most all nude clubs dont serve alcohol due to license regalations depending on county/state you live in thats why i told the girls to find a male friend to go with look around and it might put your mind at ease as far as your boyfriend you shouldnt kiss his ass i mean yea maybe you over reacted but he needs to learn how to show you some respect and dont try to justify his childish behaviour you are only telling him its ok to do hurtful things and blow you off cause you will kiss his ass im not trying to be mean but people only do what you allow them to do if you accept this behaviour why should he change maybe you should blow him off until he learns how to show you some compassion and respect and he needs to not let his friend disrespect you either it might be hard to not speak to him but in the end you would gain some respect if not from him for your self and i would be more worried if my man went to a regular bar when there is NO rules anything go and everyone there are trying to hook up strippers are performers/acting to make money


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## VenusGoddess (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I have to say it.

You are taking this way too personal. He went to a strip club. He didn't take another girl out to dinner. He went to a strip club with his friends...

Guys are visual. They've always been. They always will be. Him going to a strip club once in a blue moon says nothing about how he feels about you. In fact, I've known very few guys who get offended that their SO oogles another guy. Its normal to them.

If you do not like dating a guy who goes to a strip club, then maybe its time to find another relationship...but you are taking this outing much more personal than it needs to be.

Next time, when your guy comes home, hand him a bunch of ones, sit him in a chair and strip tease him. You'd be amazed at the response you'd get from him on that.


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## han (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *rlise* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i hate to say this , i really do but if your man likes going to the strip joints then more then likely this issue will never be resolved.
my BF never went to dance clubs only strip clubs , and once we had kids , i said no more, but ooo no we still argue about it to this day. retard we argue about it because he doesnt go anymore, but i know he wants too thats why we argue still. where i live the clubs are nasty , down right rub all naked parts in your face! so yea if he ever goes we will have a throw down. i have told him that we can go or we can watch porn , but he never wants to include me in it. i know why .... he ya know ... too it., thats why he doesnt include me. and that makes me furious. if you cant include me then YOU cant do it. real simple!

i hope this issue gets resolved because its really tough and a pain to have to fight about this!

well that tells me your man dont want to hook up with girls if he didnt go to dance clubbs strip clubs is eye candy with no emotion or strings attached does that make sense lol


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Oct 10, 2006)

I do not blame you, I would feel the same way if my boyfreind of 2 and 1/2 years went to the stip club, and especially without my persmision. It is not about me being old, or conservative, or you know a bore, it is just about disrespect. And nobody deserves, no woman deserves to be disrespected that way. I think going to the strip club is a unhealthy habbit and it will defenitely no matter what personality type you are A, B, or your PH balance is 7, it will still effect your psyche, thinking, and mind, and spirit big time. You cannot escape it. I have nothing against strippers because they are just like the girls in the music videos, or girls who are in abusive relationships, or you know girls who are stuck on there looks, the situations are different some are more worse than the other, some are caused buy others, but the root of the problem is all the same. And you know for you to dance like that infront of all those men you have to really be dead in the inside, does not matter how confident you are. It is really sad.

You are in this relationship for 2 1/1 years, let him no you are not having it and you do not want to be disrespected. He can enjoy the time with his boys in many other ways. Hope this helps/


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## jessimau (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm glad you guys talked last night and that you're communicating, even a litte. I know you don't want to lose him and I'm sure there's a good, solid basis to your relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have made it to 2 1/2 years. I think what we're all getting at is that we don't want you to be disrespected by him. I know right now you're willing to concede a lot just to get him back and happy with you, but remember that if you make it a habit to give in when he gets like this, he'll do it to get his way time and again. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it just means that if there are no rules/boundaries, he'll push as far as he can. It's human nature.


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## mandy_ (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *VenusGoddess* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I have to say it.
You are taking this way too personal. He went to a strip club. He didn't take another girl out to dinner. He went to a strip club with his friends...

Guys are visual. They've always been. They always will be. Him going to a strip club once in a blue moon says nothing about how he feels about you. In fact, I've known very few guys who get offended that their SO oogles another guy. Its normal to them.

If you do not like dating a guy who goes to a strip club, then maybe its time to find another relationship...but you are taking this outing much more personal than it needs to be.

Next time, when your guy comes home, hand him a bunch of ones, sit him in a chair and strip tease him. You'd be amazed at the response you'd get from him on that.

I already realized I made a mistake. I overreacted. I had no reason to worry. I trust him.


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## dixiewolf (Oct 10, 2006)

I think you said before that you lost your virginity to him, I cant find the post if you did. But that could be why you were so hurt. You get really vulnerable at that time. I hope you can patch things up, we girls all overract at times, I know I do at times, but my boyfriend gets over it




I know I wouldnt be too happy if he went to a strip club, I honestly dont know how I would react b/c he cant go to them b/c they are outlawed here. I wouldnt tell him not to go, but I am sure I would have felt really weird about it.


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## VenusGoddess (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *mandy_* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I already realized I made a mistake. I overreacted. I had no reason to worry. I trust him. But, if you trust him, then what is the issue?
I have to ask...if this situation comes up again...say, next year or so, how are you going to react? Not say anything and let him go...only to hold in your anger and let it turn to resentment?

I'm only asking because its easy to say, "I'm sorry" and then not really deal with the issue until the next time. If you are not ok with your guy going to a strip club, then you may be with the wrong person. You either accept someone for exactly who they are at that moment, or you move on. Spending hours/weeks/months/years trying to change someone is only going to waste both of your time. Its not a question of whether or not you love him...its a question of whether or not you can/will accept his behavior...especially if he is not willing to change that behavior with which you have a problem.


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## mandy_ (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *dixiewolf* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think you said before that you lost your virginity to him, I cant find the post if you did. But that could be why you were so hurt. You get really vulnerable at that time. I hope you can patch things up, we girls all overract at times, I know I do at times, but my boyfriend gets over it



I know I wouldnt be too happy if he went to a strip club, I honestly dont know how I would react b/c he cant go to them b/c they are outlawed here. I wouldnt tell him not to go, but I am sure I would have felt really weird about it. Mhm. I only lost it to him a month or so ago. So yeah, I do feel like that played a part. I think he knows that I overreacted, and I think he knows that I know I overreacted. I honestly can't say if he'll leave me over this, but if he lets 2 1/2 years go down the drain because I overreacted .. then .. that's kinda messed up.


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## Lia (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *VenusGoddess* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Next time, when your guy comes home, hand him a bunch of ones, sit him in a chair and strip tease him. You'd be amazed at the response you'd get from him on that. I don't know if you feel comfortable with it, but i'd suggest you to follow VenusGoddess advice (heh




)... 
But calm down and wait for some time.


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## Andi (Oct 10, 2006)

Originally Posted by *VenusGoddess* /img/forum/go_quote.gif But, if you trust him, then what is the issue?
I have to ask...if this situation comes up again...say, next year or so, how are you going to react? Not say anything and let him go...only to hold in your anger and let it turn to resentment?

I'm only asking because its easy to say, "I'm sorry" and then not really deal with the issue until the next time. If you are not ok with your guy going to a strip club, then you may be with the wrong person. You either accept someone for exactly who they are at that moment, or you move on. Spending hours/weeks/months/years trying to change someone is only going to waste both of your time. Its not a question of whether or not you love him...its a question of whether or not you can/will accept his behavior...especially if he is not willing to change that behavior with which you have a problem.

I couldnÂ´t agree more!!!!


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## pla4u (Oct 10, 2006)

its natural for a guy to want to go out with the other guys ,,and they like to watch naked girls ,,, but in my opinion if you let him know it upset you that much he should have refrained and maybe you could have discused it further , maybe reached some kind or compramise or somthing??/


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## Annia (Oct 11, 2006)

Originally Posted by *mandy_* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Mhm. I only lost it to him a month or so ago. So yeah, I do feel like that played a part. I think he knows that I overreacted, and I think he knows that I know I overreacted. I honestly can't say if he'll leave me over this, but if he lets 2 1/2 years go down the drain because I overreacted .. then .. that's kinda messed up. I am glad things are calming down for you. 
I did not want to trek into this thread but I read this post, the quoted.

After being with him for 2.5 yrs and if you do not know if he will leave you (over this incident) then I don't think you know him well enough, and I think you need to definitely work on your relationship. It sounds like communication is a big issue. To you, he is unpredictable (by you, not knowing if he will leave or stay) and he does not seem to want to express his feelings or talk things out.

I know, if I was in a relationship where I did not where my lover stands or if he'd leave me over the first fight or a little tiff -- I would re-evaluate the relationship.

If you can honestly say that you don't know what he'll do, why are you with him? .... some one who will not share themselves with you?

I pretty much agree with all the posters. THere are some interesting points you have to figure out and think what is good for you.. and who you are and who you want to be.


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## mandy_ (Oct 11, 2006)

It's just tough. It's hard to explain. He's never been one to have good communication skills. I mean, I don't really know. I'm with him, because I love him. We've been through alot together. He's always been there for me good or bad. I can't believe this is turning into why are you with him. I mean honestly.





The trust thing; everyone makes mistakes. I did. I DO trust him, and I wish everyone would quit questioning that. It just took some time for me to realize it was stupid of me to ever think he would do anything to hurt me. I realize now I was wrong. He wouldn't do something like that to hurt me.

I'm just so exhausted. Sorry I'm a little bit on edge. Hardly any sleep the past few days, I haven't really ate much, and I think I am coming down with a cold. I just .. don't know.


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## geebers (Oct 11, 2006)

Everyone goes through these phases of insecurity and irrationality. Just be careful you can deal with this coming up again. I also am concerned about your relationship ... because to me this stripper thing seems to be something that has become a big deal in your relationship. You are not even confident enough in your relationship to think it can make it over something like this... ? Then it is time to have a serious talk about what the two of you can expect. I know this is hard and difficult - but life throws us problems like this all the time. In the grand scheme of things, you will be glad you took the step and voiced yourself because if you push things under the rug and keep saying "sorry" that does nothing and implies a relationship where you fear conflict. Not a good sign. Sorry if you don't want to hear this but it's something you really should consider.


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## mandy_ (Oct 11, 2006)

I don't even have anything left to say. No one is really helping anymore. It's not that you are just telling me the same thing over and over; to look over my relationship. I already have. I wouldn't have posted this if it wasn't something I wanted to fix. Like I feel like everyone is telling me to just give up. Is no one reading the part where I said I made a mistake. I'm not pushing it under anywhere, I'm not trying to forget about it. I THOUGHT about it and I realize I was wrong to worry about something this stupid. I'm not worried about the stupid stripper anymore I'm worried about my relationship. He's been sick lately, and we've both so busy we haven't had time to talk. I'm not sure where we stand because he said he isn't sure what he wants. It's basically waiting on him now.

I'll just deal with this on my own I guess. Thanks anyways.


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## han (Oct 11, 2006)

i dont think you were wrong i think you could feel something wasnt right or going on with him thats why you were feeling insecure about the relationship if things were more solid then you wouldnt of been as insecure about him going to the club at least hes talking to you and being honest about not knowing what he wants and didnt know how to say it before with out hurting you and every one here was on the out side looking in and knew by his behaviour something wasnt right that you need to take a second look and i understand when theres emotions involved it's hard to be honest with our self but dont be to hard on your self i dont think your to blame not saying he is either sometimes people cant help how they feel like i said befor hes young still trying to figure out things and what he wants and have fun cant be mad at him for that as long as he's honest with you about his feelings


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## jessimau (Oct 11, 2006)

Mandy, I don't think you should give up at all. I'm sorry our comments have made you feel that way. I think we're all just concerned because we don't want to see you go through this again. Like I said, before, you've been together 2 1/2 years; that doesn't happen by accident. Even if the communication isn't so great, there has to be some solid foundation or you wouldn't have made it this far and you wouldn't have decided to "give it up" to him.

I'm glad you're able to look at your own behavior and see where you maybe made mistakes. Honestly evaluate the importance, to you, of his not going to strip clubs. That way, if it's something that you think will bother you in the future, you can talk to him about it. I don't think you should give up on the relationship at all, I just think you should talk honestly about what happened (you know, communicate, that thing women seem to need to force men into). I do also think that if your relationship is in jepoardy over this incident, he doesn't deserve you. I know, though, that having anxiety can make you think a situation is much worse than it really is. Especially if there isn't much communication...it lets your mind run wild with horrible possibilities. So for now, try to rest as much as possible to get well. Also, exercise a little, if you can, nothing strenuous, but enough to give you a boost. Practice self-care right now, so that when you and he come together again to talk, you'll feel stronger. Now that you know what you want and need to do, you can focus on yourself until you two see each other again. You'll get through this. You can PM me, if you'd like, even though, as I've said, you don't really know me that well. Helping others is my passion (and I'm about to start studying to be a therapist).


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## mandy_ (Oct 11, 2006)

Originally Posted by *jessimau* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Mandy, I don't think you should give up at all. I'm sorry our comments have made you feel that way. I think we're all just concerned because we don't want to see you go through this again. Like I said, before, you've been together 2 1/2 years; that doesn't happen by accident. Even if the communication isn't so great, there has to be some solid foundation or you wouldn't have made it this far and you wouldn't have decided to "give it up" to him.
I'm glad you're able to look at your own behavior and see where you maybe made mistakes. Honestly evaluate the importance, to you, of his not going to strip clubs. That way, if it's something that you think will bother you in the future, you can talk to him about it. I don't think you should give up on the relationship at all, I just think you should talk honestly about what happened (you know, communicate, that thing women seem to need to force men into). I do also think that if your relationship is in jepoardy over this incident, he doesn't deserve you. I know, though, that having anxiety can make you think a situation is much worse than it really is. Especially if there isn't much communication...it lets your mind run wild with horrible possibilities. So for now, try to rest as much as possible to get well. Also, exercise a little, if you can, nothing strenuous, but enough to give you a boost. Practice self-care right now, so that when you and he come together again to talk, you'll feel stronger. Now that you know what you want and need to do, you can focus on yourself until you two see each other again. You'll get through this. You can PM me, if you'd like, even though, as I've said, you don't really know me that well. Helping others is my passion (and I'm about to start studying to be a therapist).

Thank you. I don't want to give up. I wouldn't be so upset or fighting so hard if I didn't care this much. Your right, 2 1/2 years doesn't just happen by accident and it doesn't last that long for nothing. I know he cares. I think he's just mad and needs time to clear his mind. It's just hard waiting. I hate how I feel. I can't eat, I can't sleep. My mind is just racing with thoughts; confusion, hurt, guilt.

It's honestly not that important; the strip club thing. I realize now he just wanted to go out with his friends. Boys will be boys. As long as it's me he loves, and me he's coming home to, I have nothing to worry about.

Anxiety sucks. You are so right, I think of the worst possible things. I keep thinking what if, then I tell myself not to think like that, but then I think of all the memories we have and that's when I lose it. I cry because he's been so good to me, I cry because of everything we shared. I cry .. because I might lose all of that.

Thank you so much. Your kind words have made me feel a little better. It's nice to hear someone be positive and acutually understand how I feel.


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## geebers (Oct 11, 2006)

I think you may have misunderstood me - since your comment came right after my post so Im assuming it was directed towards me? I'm sorry you thought I was telling you to give up. Not at all. Im saying what Jessiemau is saying except I want you to ALSO realize that yes you invested 2 1/2 years in this relationship and it would be a shame to throw it away over an issue about going to stripclubs. HOWEVER, you said earlier you were nervous about where your relationship stands and that was where I became concerned because there it is - after 2 1/2 years he is willing to throw it away? You know that you do not deserve to be with a guy who is and that is good. Im glad you see that and that is all we want from you. It should not be just you saying sorry and making this relationship work. It has to be him too. I had a friend who was in a relationship for 6 years where the guy basically always bullied her and she always gave in and when I told her to stand up for herself for once... her response? "I don't want to throw a 6 year relationship down the drain." So you see where I am going with this? I don't want you to be the one to fight for the relationship and he sits there and sulks and lets YOU do the work. There are 2 people here so that's the point I am trying to drive at.

Anyway - I'll stop now. I can tell you get it and you do realize this but I just wanted to clarify my point that no -Im not saying just end it without trying to fix it.


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## mandy_ (Oct 11, 2006)

It's okay. It's not that he does this all the time. I mean, he has never really liked to talk about problems, but they always got resolved. I'm just really stressed because I'm not sure what's going to happen.


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## Dragonfly (Oct 12, 2006)

Do not give up on the relationship. The two of you have been together a long time. You will look back on this experience, in a few years, and see it for the misunderstanding it is. The two of you are fairly young. No one gave you a manual on how to have a successful relationship, so you learn as you go.

I think he is scared that you might break off with him. He doesn't want to lose you but he doesn't want to rehash - boys are babies at heart. And I think Jessimau has given you some pretty good advice.

Eventually you and he will need to talk about everything. If you avoid talking because he doesn't want to, you will end up resenting him. That happens with a lot of couples and it is a big mistake.

So give him some time, get some sleep, eat chocolate, and I wish you the best.


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## mandy_ (Oct 12, 2006)

I baked cookies. Chocolate chip. I ate a few. I feel a little better. I'm going to give my boyfriend some of the cookies tomorrow too. He loves chocolate chip cookies. Like everyone said, I'm just trying to give him some time. I will hopefully get more sleep tonight, which will hopefully help clear my head.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


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## KimC2005 (Oct 12, 2006)

Hey Mandy. I have stayed out of this thread but I have been reading all the comments and everything. I am not commenting to be negative or to tell you to give up though. You should definitely not give up! You sound a lot like me. I definitely have anxiety issues and worry constantly about the what ifs and worst case scenarios. Sometimes, when my bf and I get into an argument, he will just shut down. He has a hard time working issues out as well, but has gotten better. I think it is something that comes with some maturing and age. What I have found that has helped me a lot is to just remain calm, talk to somebody about anything, go somewhere (whether its Wal-Mart or to a friends house), give him time to cool off and you time to gather your thoughts, don't call him over and over trying to get him to talk. I usually will go find something else to do if I find myself sitting around getting sulky and waiting for him to call. I will leave my phone somewhere where I can't get to it easily ( usually the other room or in my purse upstairs). It helps me to not get as anxious about a situation, if my phone is not right next to me to constantly look at it and worry. Another thing that I have learned over time is to let him pursue after me. Trust me, its really hard to wait for him to initiate phone calls or anything and it can be SOOO frustrating. You want everything to be solved right then and for everything to go back to normal and guys tend to take their time with things like that. If he truly loves you and cares for you, he is going to want to mend things and to talk to you. Also, be careful apologizing to him all the time. You do not want to just let him make you feel like you are the only one that ever does anything wrong and everything is all your fault. I really hope everything works out! I really know how you feel.. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me!

p.s. I know that eating is the last thing on your mind and you feel like your stomach is all in knots, but probably the best thing to do is stay hydrated and atleast try to eat a little bit. Sleep is also really important. You will feel better after being well rested and you will think more clear about things.


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## mandy_ (Oct 12, 2006)

Originally Posted by *KimC2005* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Hey Mandy. I have stayed out of this thread but I have been reading all the comments and everything. I am not commenting to be negative or to tell you to give up though. You should definitely not give up! You sound a lot like me. I definitely have anxiety issues and worry constantly about the what ifs and worst case scenarios. Sometimes, when my bf and I get into an argument, he will just shut down. He has a hard time working issues out as well, but has gotten better. I think it is something that comes with some maturing and age. What I have found that has helped me a lot is to just remain calm, talk to somebody about anything, go somewhere (whether its Wal-Mart or to a friends house), give him time to cool off and you time to gather your thoughts, don't call him over and over trying to get him to talk. I usually will go find something else to do if I find myself sitting around getting sulky and waiting for him to call. I will leave my phone somewhere where I can't get to it easily ( usually the other room or in my purse upstairs). It helps me to not get as anxious about a situation, if my phone is not right next to me to constantly look at it and worry. Another thing that I have learned over time is to let him pursue after me. Trust me, its really hard to wait for him to initiate phone calls or anything and it can be SOOO frustrating. You want everything to be solved right then and for everything to go back to normal and guys tend to take their time with things like that. If he truly loves you and cares for you, he is going to want to mend things and to talk to you. Also, be careful apologizing to him all the time. You do not want to just let him make you feel like you are the only one that ever does anything wrong and everything is all your fault. I really hope everything works out! I really know how you feel.. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me!
p.s. I know that eating is the last thing on your mind and you feel like your stomach is all in knots, but probably the best thing to do is stay hydrated and atleast try to eat a little bit. Sleep is also really important. You will feel better after being well rested and you will think more clear about things.

Thank you. It is hard. It's kind weird because he drives me to school and practice. I call him in the mornings before school to wake him up. He calls me when he is coming to pick me up, and before he goes to bed (yes, even during fighting he calls to say goodnight, it's something we've done since we started dating and out of those 2 1/2 years there has only been maybe 6 or 7 days he didn't call to say goodnight). So it's not like I am being completely ignored, it's just he won't talk about the situation. He's been sick, so I'm trying to be understanding of that. I'm acutually just waiting for him to call now so I can get to sleep. I'm exhasuted.

I'm staying hydrated. I drink water constantly. I just hadn't been eating. I ate a sandwich and some cookies tonight though, so at least I got some food in me.


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## KimC2005 (Oct 12, 2006)

Well, I am glad that you guys are talking some even if its not about the issue. Is he acting normal around you or different since the whole incident happened? Like does he pull away from you if you try to hold his hand or ignore you when you ask a question? I hope everything is much better today.. Keep us updated


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## mandy_ (Oct 13, 2006)

Well, it's .. not like it always was. He talks to me when we are just talking about normal stuff but I guess a little less than he normally would, but if I bring the situation up he won't answer me. Sometimes he'll hold my hand, sometimes he won't. Sometimes he seems okay, he'll joke with me, sometimes he seems really annoyed with me.

It's just so up and down, I don't know what to make of things.

::Sigh::


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## KimC2005 (Oct 13, 2006)

I know how you feel. It will get better.


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## mandy_ (Oct 13, 2006)

I really hope so.


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## AprilRayne (Oct 13, 2006)

Mandy, I think it's a good sign that he's joking with you and holding your hand occasionally! It sounds like he's testing the waters to see how you react to him showing affection to you! It sounds like he's trying to ease into the way things used to be with you two! I think you two will be just fine!! He sounds like a really nice guy. I don't think he wanted to hurt you at all by going to the strip club, it's kind of like he just wanted to go to say he's done it and hopefully now it's out of his system! I want you to know that I would've reacted the exact same way as you would have! I don't like the idea of my man looking at women and being turned on my them. I am the only person my hubby has been with so it makes me feel very insecure. I trust him with all my heart but I only want my hubby to be turned on by me! I know when you really think about it, it doesn't seem like a big deal because it's just a nude body, most men have seen them, but I can understand your heartache! Sometimes I joke with my hubby that if he ever feels the need to go to a club that I'm coming with him, but deep down I really don't want to go and I hope he doesn't want to either!! I really like the idea of you giving him a stip tease and make a joke out of it, like "Now you won't ever have to go there again, because you have your very own personal stripper, and with this stripper you can do whatever you want" I think most guys would die to hear that! Anyway, good luck and it sounds like things are going to be just fine!


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## mandy_ (Oct 13, 2006)

Originally Posted by *AprilRayne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Mandy, I think it's a good sign that he's joking with you and holding your hand occasionally! It sounds like he's testing the waters to see how you react to him showing affection to you! It sounds like he's trying to ease into the way things used to be with you two! I think you two will be just fine!! He sounds like a really nice guy. I don't think he wanted to hurt you at all by going to the strip club, it's kind of like he just wanted to go to say he's done it and hopefully now it's out of his system! I want you to know that I would've reacted the exact same way as you would have! I don't like the idea of my man looking at women and being turned on my them. I am the only person my hubby has been with so it makes me feel very insecure. I trust him with all my heart but I only want my hubby to be turned on by me! I know when you really think about it, it doesn't seem like a big deal because it's just a nude body, most men have seen them, but I can understand your heartache! Sometimes I joke with my hubby that if he ever feels the need to go to a club that I'm coming with him, but deep down I really don't want to go and I hope he doesn't want to either!! I really like the idea of you giving him a stip tease and make a joke out of it, like "Now you won't ever have to go there again, because you have your very own personal stripper, and with this stripper you can do whatever you want" I think most guys would die to hear that! Anyway, good luck and it sounds like things are going to be just fine! Thanks. It's good to know that I am not the only one that would react as I did. I'm the only person my boyfriend has been with sexually .. so I guess maybe that's why I felt insecure. He never really had another girl naked in front of him before, only me. Like obviously he looked at pictures and stuff online, but never in person.
If I can ever get him to come in my house again, I'll try the stripper thing. It's really good to hear that people still have hope for us though. I know I do. It's just getting hard waiting and waiting. A few people keep saying that if he was going to break up with me they think he would have done it already. What's the point of sticking around and telling me you love me for another week ect .. only to break up with me?

Everyone keep wishing for the best for me &lt;3


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Oct 23, 2006)

1. You won't spend money to take me out on a date, but you are willing to pay to go watch some other girl dance naked for you?

_That is just uncool...and horny...and stupid. Don't take that...it is disrepectful and rude._

2. I'm not comfortable with this; It makes me feel really weird.

_Well duh....it is unacceptable behavior._



3. Why? Why do you feel like you have to go look at another girl?

_Because he is an insensitive horndog who only thinks about his feelings and desires, not yours...cut him loose._

4. Am I not good enough?

_Of course you are good enough. You are better than he is...and he knows it. Get rid of the creep_.


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## pretty_pink13 (Oct 24, 2006)

I know that this really isn't what you want to hear but this exact thing happened to me about 7 months ago. 

My boyfriend and I were dating for 2 years, we lived together and everything. I am a year younger than him and when he turned 21 he did the whole drinking with his friends going out type thing and always leaving me behind. Well one week he was invited to a bachelor party and it was at a strip club, I told him I didn't have a problem with it just as long as you know, don't get lapdances or anything because that would make me upset. Well, he assured me that he wouldn't and he is just there to hang out with his friends. 

When he did show up at like 4 in the morning, of course I was up cause I couldn't sleep and I asked him, how was it?? He told me that it was fun, and nothing happened and so I believed him. A few weeks later he started acting weird. Defensive, rude and really unlike himself. Then I came home from work one day and all his stuff was gone. I went insane!! I didn't know what happened or anything and I panicked, screamed and cried but I knew that he just decided to move out. A few days later we had the confrontation and of course the question was why?? He calmly explained to me that when he did go to that bachelor party at the strip club, he admitted to getting a lapdance and he also said that because of that lapdance, it made him realize that he wanted to date other girls. I thought it was the most stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. I mean honestly, doesn't he know the girls there get paid to do that stuff?? Its not that they like him. I'm sure there were other factors but he made it clear that it was the main reason. Anyways to make a long story short, it ended and I realized that it was time to move on. 

I think in your situation though, you should be honest with him, and I know that a lot of guys like to do that sort of thing. But personally if you are not okay with it, he should really respect you and understand. Maybe he is in that phase where he wants to experience new things and do all that crazy stuff, I understand you don't want to upset him, but you have to think about yourself and what matters to you, if it makes you upset tell him don't be afraid to and if he honestly flips out on you and doesn't understand then maybe you should really rethink what is going on. Since my relationship ended, which was about 7 months ago, I met this totally awesome guy and I am really happy even happier. Hopefully whatever happens, I wish you the best and you can get through this!!!


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Oct 24, 2006)

Originally Posted by *geebers* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Everyone goes through these phases of insecurity and irrationality. Just be careful you can deal with this coming up again. I also am concerned about your relationship ... because to me this stripper thing seems to be something that has become a big deal in your relationship. You are not even confident enough in your relationship to think it can make it over something like this... ? Then it is time to have a serious talk about what the two of you can expect. I know this is hard and difficult - but life throws us problems like this all the time. In the grand scheme of things, you will be glad you took the step and voiced yourself because if you push things under the rug and keep saying "sorry" that does nothing and implies a relationship where you fear conflict. Not a good sign. Sorry if you don't want to hear this but it's something you really should consider. Yep. You nailed it.


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