# Why can't I leave him?



## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 3, 2009)

Ok so I know I've posted on here before about my relationship with my boyfriend. Well lets just say the situation just keeps gettin worse. I recently found out that he's still talking to his ex. The thing that pisses me off the most is that if she wouldnt of told me...I still wouldnt know. Its been going on now for a lil over 3 years. I figured you'd be over your ex by now since you've been in a 3 year relationship but I guess not. Now the reason how I know that hes been talking to his ex is bc she told me. She showed the convos on her phone and on her computer. He unblocks her from texting him while hes at work and while Im at work than once I'm off he'll reblock her so that she cant text him anymore. When he called her last I was sitting in her car with her and near the very end of the conversation he asked her to meet up with him. I couldnt believe what I had just heard.

I waited a couple days and then confronted him about it and of course he denied everything but when I told him that I was in the car with her while they were talking he was speechless. She even showed me that he has a yahoo messenger account. I asked him about that and of course he denied it and says that its his cousins account but my bf doesnt know is that his aunt and I made up a fake name and account just to see if he did in fact have one and if he would add and sure enough he added her. He asked for a pic and wanted her cell phone number. Well if it was his cousins account..why would my bf post a picture of himself and his phone number on there if it wasnt his account. Covering up a lie with another lie.

A couple other things that pisses me off is that one day his friend and I were talking and he told me stuff that I didnt wanna know but I'm glad that I do know. He told me that my bf would go over to his house while he was working and clean his room so that he could have a place to bring *Stephanie* to and he also gave him the key to his house. His friend was seeing *Stephanie* last year sometime around may or june and that girl stopped talking to his friend to talk to my boyfriend and I guess shes been in there numerous of times. He then tells me that her ex best friend *Tasha* and my bf would talk and see each other and I texted *Tasha* and asked her and she said that her and *Q*(my bf) have kissed but that was it and he had told her that were broken up at that time. She apologized for it but I'm not pissed at her...I'm pissed at him. I asked *Tasha* if she knew *Stephanies* number and she didnt but knew someone who did and so she asked her friend and her friend gave it to me. *Steph* claims she didnt know who I was talking about but then proceeded to tell my friend *Jme* that she left her bf alone for *Jme* and which *Jmes* bf is the guy that *Steph* was seeing before she moved onto my bf. Why would *Steph* lie to me and say she doesnt know who I'm talking about when clearly she does? His friend also told me that he would text girls and talk about doing sexual stuff to them.

I just dont understand why he'd do this to me. Last monday I tried to break up with him but I just couldnt do it. I dont want to lose him but I'm sick and tired of all the lies and heartache. He said that I'm too good for him cuz I love him so much. I guess that I'm just stuck on guys who cant fully commit to me. Why cant I just leave him? Why do I stick around and let myself get tortured by him? Why can't I just let him go for my own sake. I've never done anything to him to make him do this to me. I need some help ladies.

Please help.....thanks for taking the time to read this if you made it all the way through. If something doesnt make sense just let me know and I'll make is more clear.


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## Ozee (Mar 3, 2009)

Why don't you want to lose him?

Do you have children? a house? a business? together.

What is keeping you there really?

What positive or benefit do you get out of him being there?

If he had any respect for you or any love in his heart for you he would not treat you like this. Sorry if that sounds mean but imjust going by what you've typed. I don't know him or you but thats just my opinion.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 3, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Ozee* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Why don't you want to lose him?
Do you have children? a house? a business? together.

What is keeping you there really?

What positive or benefit do you get out of him being there?

If he had any respect for you or any love in his heart for you he would not treat you like this. Sorry if that sounds mean but imjust going by what you've typed. I don't know him or you but thats just my opinion.

I guess I dont want to lose him because I thought he was my one and only. I've never had strong feelings for anyone that I've dated before like I do with him. No we dont have kids, a house or anything like that together. I honestly dont know whats keeping me around..I've not a clue. He doesnt want me to drink or get tattoos or piercings and thats what I'm in to. Dont worry you didnt sound mean. I like honesty. Thats all I from people is complete honesty....even if it harsh. I do agree that if had any respect for me he wouldnt this but yea...I just dont understand why I cant leave.


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## pinksugar (Mar 3, 2009)

chicken, what you are afraid of losing is all your memories and the hard work you've put into your relationship.

But, even though those things are hard to let go of, you deserve better, you deserve someone who will appreciate the history you have together as much as you do!

I've been in your situation before, and no matter how hard it is, you can't put all the work into the relationship by yourself, and you can't force him to be truthful and respectful of you.

You need to let him go!


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## HairEgo (Mar 3, 2009)

Okay...brutally honest:

If he felt the same way about you that you do about him, he WOULDNT be doing what he's doing. Thats it...period. The reason he is still with you is becuase even though you know the shit hes been up too, and he knows that you know...you still cant let him go...so he figures..why mess with a good thing, why leave when i can have my cake and eat it too?

Chances are hes probably been doing this all through out your relationship. Do you not think that you deserve someone who will respect and love you the way you love and respect him? I think you do....time to take out the trash!


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## Dragonfly (Mar 3, 2009)

You've been seeing this guy for three years and he is still playing you? In my opinion, if you don't dump his ass, he will be playing you for 5, 10, 20+ years.

You are a young girl - just because you didn't fall in love before him doesn't mean you won't after he is long gone.

The bottom line is that you have known about his unfaithfulness for the duration of your relationship. And the only repercussion he has had to deal with is your anger.

Let me reinterate that I would dump his ass. But if you want to be with him *you need to stop allowing him to behave badly. *

Let him know that if it happens again that you are gone. If you don't follow through, he will continue to view you as a "doormat" - someone he can walk all over anytime he chooses.

You deserve a lot better than this honey...


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## Adrienne (Mar 3, 2009)

I think you're just scared of letting go, which is the hardest part. You may not know what lies beyond him but surely it's got to be better than what he's giving you. He has the security that he'll always have you on the side and you have the security that... at least he'll keep coming back? If that doesn't change your mind, at least think of all the STDs you'll probably contracting from this whore. You deserve much better but you won't get it till you believe you do.


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## magneticheart (Mar 3, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think you're just scared of letting go, which is the hardest part. You may not know what lies beyond him but surely it's got to be better than what he's giving you. He has the security that he'll always have you on the side and you have the security that... at least he'll keep coming back? If that doesn't change your mind, at least think of all the STDs you'll probably contracting from this whore. You deserve much better but you won't get it till you believe you do. I agree, you deserve so much better. If he's willing to lie about that he'll be willing to lie about anything else.


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## Nick007 (Mar 3, 2009)

You need to just leave. He doesn't care about you at all. If he did you would be the only one in his life.


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## laurafaye (Mar 3, 2009)

I can understand how it's so hard to leave. I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and the thought of leaving him is horrible, but by the sounds of this guy, he's not worth your time and effort. I know you can find someone who will be grateful for having you. Llike Dragonfly said, it seems like he views you as a doormat






I would just get out while you can or it's going to continue to get worse. You're still young, there will be so many more people out there for you



Good luck


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## -Chelsey- (Mar 3, 2009)

I agree with everyone else, there is no reason for you to stay with this guy when he treats you this way. Can you honestly see yourself being with him for 5 more years or 10 years? Having kids with him and marrying him when he treats you this way? If you can't then there's your answer. I think you should get out as soon as possible and find yourself a good guy that will treat you the way you deserve.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 3, 2009)

I completely agree with what you all are saying. Its just hard facing the fact that its coming to an end after 3 years. I've wasted so much and time effort in this relationship when he didnt give any at all. I just sucks cuz like I said he was my one and only but apparently I wasnt his and I dont think I will ever be his one and only. He told me the other night that he doesnt picture his life without me in it. Well if you really felt that way then why the hell would you be doing this to me?!?!? I've asked so many times and I still cant get an honest answer.

As for moving out I'm waiting to see if my friend and her boyfriend can move into her grandmas house cuz if so I'll pry move into the room in the basement and help with bills. Shes jus gotta talk to her mom and her boyfriend but I know that her boyfriend isnt gonna mind. I'm just hoping that I can and that I'm strong to leave him. I said that I didnt wanna be with him anymore but when it came down to me leaving..I couldnt do it.


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## Johnnie (Mar 3, 2009)

Doesn't seem like you'll be making the decision to leave. Otherwise, these ladies have given you great advice. I'd suggest you take it into consideration if you want to move on and be happy


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## HairEgo (Mar 4, 2009)

You didn't waste 3 years of your life....it was an experience that has hopefully taught you a lesson..you're worth a lot more then what he's giving you!


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 4, 2009)

I just want to know why he does this to me? I really wish I knew the answer to this question. He claims he loves me but idk if I believe it.


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## pinksugar (Mar 4, 2009)

most probably because he's so far been able to get away with it.

What impetus does he have to stop? so far, you've been mad with him, but basically, he's denied it, apologized or whatever, and then things have gone on as before. He's spent the last 3 years with no repercussions whatsoever.

This is not your fault - but the fact is, there has been nothing to encourage him to change his behaviour.

He might love you (although I personally feel that someone who can treat their partner like this has no appreciation of what love is) - but he has no reason to give up the other women.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 4, 2009)

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif most probably because he's so far been able to get away with it.
What impetus does he have to stop? so far, you've been mad with him, but basically, he's denied it, apologized or whatever, and then things have gone on as before. He's spent the last 3 years with no repercussions whatsoever.

This is not your fault - but the fact is, there has been nothing to encourage him to change his behaviour.

He might love you (although I personally feel that someone who can treat their partner like this has no appreciation of what love is) - but he has no reason to give up the other women.

Yea I agree with you. I dont think that he does truly love me cuz if he did than he wouldnt treat me the way he does and I just dont understand why he'd be with me if he wanted to talk to other girls. Why drag me along if this is what he truly wants to do with his life. Let me go so that I can find someone who wants to be with me and not treat me like shit. My last boyfriend has done the same thing it even got to the point to where he'd beat me if I did something wrong and so I'm just sick and tired of finding *******s and the relationship not going anywhere.


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## pinksugar (Mar 4, 2009)

That's awful chicken



I have 2 pieces of advice/suggestions to make:

First of all, you don't need him to let you go - you don't NEED him, YOU can let HIM go - and not just let him go, but kick his cheating, lowdown, jerkface ass to the kerb!

Secondly, you need to believe that you deserve someone better, for yourself! maybe you subconsciously believe you don't deserve anything better, maybe you've just been unlucky! Take some time out from dating, get back in touch with yourself and what a wonderful person you are.

Maybe do some therapy, some meditation or something that will clear your head and put you in a better place - really take this as an opportunity to find yourself.

Then, when you least expect it, the most wonderful person that truly cares for you will probably come along!

I know how hard this must be for you, since I've been in your situation, and trust me, you will realise after you've been single for a while how much sooner you should have done this, and how much more you are worth!

Huggles!


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 4, 2009)

Yea I told myself that I'm just going to focus on work and college right now and just have fun cuz its been so long since I've had fun. I'm not going to be looking for anyone for quite some time. I just need a break from the dating scene right now. Like you said Rosie, I just need to find myself and what it is I like to do.


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## HairEgo (Mar 4, 2009)

He probably loves you...but he most definetly doesnt respect you....they go hand in hand, no?


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## Adrienne (Mar 4, 2009)

Originally Posted by *HairEgo* /img/forum/go_quote.gif He probably loves you...but he most definetly doesnt respect you....they go hand in hand, no? I guess that would mean he truly doesn't love you they way you love him. You can't really love someone you have no respect for. It's impossible imo. If he does love you, he sure as hell doesn't appreciate you. We can give you all the advice in the world but all we're doing is stating what you already know. It's obvious he doesn't care so why should you?


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 4, 2009)

I tried not caring Adrienne I really have but I do and I dont understand why. The thing is that I'm always going to care for him and I wish he felt the same but its not going to happen and I just need to come to grips with reality with that. I just wish this wouldnt have happened. I just need to keep telling myself that I didnt do anything to make him do this to me and I deserve better than him. Easier said than done tho......


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## Adrienne (Mar 4, 2009)

Originally Posted by *sweetnsexy6953* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I tried not caring Adrienne I really have but I do and I dont understand why. The thing is that I'm always going to care for him and I wish he felt the same but its not going to happen and I just need to come to grips with reality with that. I just wish this wouldnt have happened. I just need to keep telling myself that I didnt do anything to make him do this to me and I deserve better than him. Easier said than done tho...... Very much easier said than done. I've been in this in this situation with my husband. We are still married and I got very lucky and he did change but tbh, it really didn't matter to me by then. It still doesn't and now I have to come to grips with the self disappointment for taking all his crap when I didn't deserve it. We now have problems bc of my attitude with him. I lost a huge amount of respect for him and in myself. I lash out for no reason sometimes. I feel guilty and disgusted even though he did a complete turn around two years ago! I have to deal with this everyday and it's always on the back of my mind. Alot of the times I truly hate myself for being weak and stupid. As much as I do love him, I often wish I had left. But now I'm the problem and when I "forgave" him, I didn't forgive myself. I know it's very hard but believe me, it's much harder wallowing in your own sh*t then it is in others.
Like Hairego said, these three years were not a waste (that's how I saw it too.) They were a learning experience. Today, I now know that I would truly be alright if I got divorced, even after being together for 5 years, that it wasn't a waste but an experience that will give me wisdom for a more secure future. I really do hope the best for you.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 4, 2009)

Everytime we've gone on breaks it'd be me that would have to change..not him and I didnt see that as being fair cuz yea I was *****y to him sometimes he'd turn around and do the same thing but yet I'm the one that would have to change. I know I deserve better but its just hard to leave all the good memories that we have together and his family is another thing. I love his family and his family loves me. I know that his family would do anything for me and I dont want to lose them. I think thats one of the main reasons why I'm still with him...stupid I know but I think it could be a part of me staying. His family said that I'm always welcomed to call and stop by and what not and that they dont want any of this to happen but they understand. His aunt knows everything and doesnt understand how he could treat me this way. Hes been cheated on before in the past, you'd think that after knowing what it feels like he wouldnt want to do that someone he loves....looks like I was wrong. I do get disgusted with myself knowing all that I know and yet I'm still with him. Why be with someone if you knew all along that this is what you were going to be doing in the relationship(cheating). UGH!!!! Fool me once, shame on you....fool me 3x..shame on me.

I just dont know how to go about leaving. I want to get my own place and just start a fresh life......


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## S. Lisa Smith (Mar 6, 2009)

You have to leave him, that's for sure. What happened with your friend and her GM's house? If that's not an option, look around for someplace else. As for his family, they know what he's doing and it appears that they aren't happy about it. You will still have them if you leave him. Look around, make a plan and DO it!! You know you want to and you know you have to! We're here for you and we'll help you get through this!!


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Mar 6, 2009)

I just wanna say thanks to everyone here who has helped me. I'll let ya know what happens.


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## annasuilover (Mar 24, 2009)

Omg i totally understand how you feel darling. I'm deeply sorry you are going through this situation, as I know it is very panful. But do you have a place of your own to go to after you leave him? Alot of woman in serious relationships can't break up with their boyfriends because they spend all their time with them losing their friends. leaving them no one to go to afterwards. If that's the case, do you have family? Family and friends can make a break up less painful...its still gonna hurt though. I think you should leave him. So many men think its okay to cheat and treat their women poorly because girls just stay with them and let them do that. You shouldn't let him do that, you are better than that. Its gonna hurt at first, but you'll get over it soon. It might not even first that much once you break up with him if you out your mind on it. Do some things that will boost your confidence, like working out, and being productive to help you feel that you are better than him and he is not worth being sad over. Because its true.


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## reesesilverstar (Mar 24, 2009)

Babygirl...

I read in this book by Iyanla Vanzant that "We teach people how to treat us." So you haven't showed him that you have a standard he needs to live up to.

What you need to do is work on you. You be the person that you want to be with. Love yourself, cater to yourself and your needs, find out what's important to you, and he'll take himself out the relationship. He's an *******, and you should leave him, but you've given away your power to him. Take it back. Work on making a stronger you because you will do the same thing in another relationship. So you need to figure out who you are, and who you are in a relationship and what you want in your mate and start showing your standard and don't settle.


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## Adrienne (Mar 24, 2009)

Originally Posted by *reesesilverstar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Babygirl...
I read in this book by Iyanla Vanzant that "We teach people how to treat us." So you haven't showed him that you have a standard he needs to live up to.

What you need to do is work on you. You be the person that you want to be with. Love yourself, cater to yourself and your needs, find out what's important to you, and he'll take himself out the relationship. He's an *******, and you should leave him, but you've given away your power to him. Take it back. Work on making a stronger you because you will do the same thing in another relationship. So you need to figure out who you are, and who you are in a relationship and what you want in your mate and start showing your standard and don't settle.

I really love that quote Reese. Imma write that one down


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## ccguidry (Mar 30, 2009)

I've been in a situation just like this.. we were both in college, about 4 hrs apart and he was talking to other girls behind my back.. well he ended up getting one of them pregnant and that was it for me. I had already put up with so much before that I could write a book.. I felt like I was losing myself and my sanity in that relationship. It's hard but eventually you'll find someone better.. He's probably constantly doing these things because he knows you're gonna put up with it.


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## Killah Kitty (Apr 2, 2009)

I think I know how you feel. Its been 5 months since I got out of a relationship that sounds exactly like what your going through. We were together for almost 3 years and he was always up to something behind my back the entire time. I would always find out too... it just all looks like a train wreck when I look back at it now. But I was stuck in the same spot as you. I did not want to leave him. He had no respect for me at all and our relationship was a huge mess but I still didn't want to go. We spent so much and we were so in love and had so many amazing times together.

Then one night... he ended up breaking up with me. I was entirely heart broken but honestly, it was only for a couple of days then... I felt so good. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like slapping myself for how long I stayed around and tried to make him change. I feel like I wasted a lot of time, but I have learned a lot too. His family loved me too... but I cut off all contact with him and his family and it was easier that way to put it behind me.

I ended up hooking up with a guy a couple weeks later too. It kind of felt like too soon or like a rebound but it took my mind right off the whole situation. He ended up being the most amazing guy Ive ever met and been with and we've been together for almost 5 months now. Hes the complete opposite of my ex and treats me like a queen. I obviously am not recommending a rebound fling lol... but you know what I mean? If I hadnt gotten completely involved with a new guy I wouldve gotten completly involved in my job or going to school or something. Itll take your mind right off all the **** youve had to go through and before you know it... its all in the past and your with somebody new and amazing and you have a whole new and improved life.

My life now is completly unrecognizable compared to 6 months ago and Im so happy about it. Its hard and I still think about the past from time to time... but the past is in the past for a reason. I wish back then I hadnt waited for him to break up with me! I was just wallowing in my own misery. I hope you have the strength to do what you should do... you deserve so much better... just like I did... and now I have it.... and you will find someone who loves you and respects you and treats you like a queen too. Thats what you deserve and the sooner you let go of a painful messed up relationship... the better it is.

You will miss him and you'll always remember it... but you will feel so much better I think... not having to deal with all his **** anymore. Get completly involved in something else and go do everything he hated



Go get piercings and tattoos with a friend like you said you liked but he didnt. It made me feel so good when I left my ex... I went and did everything he never wanted to and I cant believe how much I had been missing... I mean that in so many different ways





Best of luck to you. I hope I didnt bore you with my life story here... I just feel like Ive been exactly where you are.

Let us know what happens.


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## pinksugar (Apr 2, 2009)

thanks Killah.

I'm not in this situation but I really connected to what you said. It feels good to hear stories of people finding happiness after such a hard time.

I really find myself clinging to these stories and hoping I find something permanent soon!


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## candygalore (Apr 2, 2009)

> most probably because he's so far been able to get away with it.
> What impetus does he have to stop? so far, you've been mad with him, but basically, he's denied it, apologized or whatever, and then things have gone on as before. He's spent the last 3 years with no repercussions whatsoever.
> 
> This is not your fault - but the fact is, there has been nothing to encourage him to change his behaviour.
> ...


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## Killah Kitty (Apr 3, 2009)

Thanks Rosie



It was a really hard time but I didnt see it then. Ive always heard "love is blind" and that really can be the case sometimes you want so badly to see the good in someone... you turn a blind eye to everything bad about them.

Candygalore I just wanted to agree with you 100%. Im pretty sure he will regret it once you leave. Thats when he will truly realize what hes done and if he had any feelings for you at all he will regret it completly. My ex acted like it was nothing when we broke up but when I told him a few weeks later that I was with someone new... he started telling me what a huge mistake he made and how badly he wanted me back. Actually now that I think about it... he was begging me to come back after he broke up with me... claiming it was a drunken mistake etc. You know all the excuses. Im so glad I didnt fall for it. He made his mistakes and he missed out on something amazing but thats all his fault for being the way he was... so move on and find yourself again and you will find someone who is truly the one for you and who treats you the way you should be treated... with love and respect and honesty.


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## Ricci (Apr 3, 2009)

Its your self esteem.. if you had great selft esteem leaving him wouldnt be hard thats IMHO


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