# Cheating



## bamboogirls (May 3, 2011)

I suppose I should stop thinking about this already but I can't. I have had an issue with this and I think it has given me PTSD. I am absolutely obsessed with anything asian now and anytime I feel like I am back on the right track with my husband, i freak out and hurt what has already been healed. I love him. And I believe that people make mistakes. We have forgiven each other. I guess what I am asking is advice on how to change the thoughts and anger that is plagueing me. I am not angry anymore but I can feel it. Like its a ghost. The feelings that take me back to that ugly place are like that creepy feeling you get when you are walking alone in the dark and you feel like you are being watched or followed. It is like that. Has anybody been through this? Does anyone have advice? How did you deal with it?


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## Dragonfly (May 3, 2011)

I'm not really sure what you are talking about.

But I can tell you that as long as you face forward, you can't see what's behind you.

If you live in the past, how can you function in the present?


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## Darla (May 3, 2011)

PTSD is an awfully strong term to use for this situation,  one that is normally reserved for witnessing acts of war and domestic violence.   The fact that you say you have both forgiven each other should be enough although you do not really say what had happened to both of you.


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## bamboogirls (May 4, 2011)

I hope this thing actually lets me type this time. I just got it allllllll out and in short and perfect and it wouldn't let me edit or post. So here goes...AGAIN!!! fudge...I don't wanna type it. :/ My husband cheated and beat me. So did the guy that I was rehabilitating from suicidal depression. They try to convince me I am crazy. Take my kids. Lie to me. use me. I get raped when my husband left (which i do not mean me, he left to move our family to a new state long before the cheating.) he blames me for it and says that I am HIS bad karma. Smashes my phone, breaks up with me on my bday after a 2.5 day drive to see him and that depressed guy slamming my face into a window and damn near getting us run over by a semi. tells me he has an 18 yr old gf and has for months 5 minutes before she comes over. i say nothing to her after she tries to act like she gave birth to my kids and speaks over me when i tell them what to do. i am made to aplogize to her. he tells all these ppl her that i have been sleeping around (because when I orginally find out he is cheating, i get mad, and stupid, and send him a text that i am too) together those 2 post online the videos i sent for him and make fun of me on camera, delete a novel i worked months on and make a video themselves on our anniversary while talking to me on the phone, prick, with my camera and laptop that i sent for him to use while he was away. when he does come back to get my kids, he doesnt tell me, just breaks into my apartment, which i dont know how he got my address, kicks all of my friends' butts that come over, convinces me to go to counseling with him and then takes off with my girls and then tells me he was lying and doesnt want to be with me. then the whole telling me about her (he hinted at her for months prior, like 8 months before i met her and even had me talk on the phone with her but i didnt know that was what was going on) 5 minutes before she comes over and i say nothing and he still makes m apologize for being a witch (i literally didnt speak to her) and she curls up on his bed and asks me not to go near him and says she appreciates me respecting their relationship and asks him when they get to go out again and .....yeah. then the beating by him and the depressed guy which all happened after i get robbed and beat by some guy on the street because i kept telling him i wasnt a prostitute i was just getting groceries (and no i was wearing a sweater and jeans and flip flops, it was late summer) and them beating me is all over me talking to my best friend on the phone while they are drunk, listening to a song called eff you-lily allen and they hear it thinking we are talking crap smash my phone, choke me and bash my head into the ground then proceed to convince me i imagine it when i threaten them with the police, throw me out the house by my hair and tell me ill never see my kids again. police show up, they hide, wont even be men but have all these people i have to work with of all these things i wouldn't do. i get my kids and a few months go by before i see my husband again and since then....things have been like a fairy tale but I am scared. I say i forgive but forgiveness doesnt mean it hurts less or i forgot or that its behind me. there is sooooo much more i left out. I lived in a shelter with dv women for a while and had to do counseling and that actually brought out the nightmares. and all these things that now wont go away. i stopped counseling when it got to the point that i would look in the mirror and be so disgusted with what i saw that i would rather die. i didnt sleep or eat. since i stopped, it has been much better but these thoughts never go away. Am I doing the right thing? my doctor says it stemmed from anger pain and loneliness, all of our problems did. it has been 8 mo since we reacquainted. I love him more every day but sometimes when I look at him, i want to curl in a ball and evaporate. when i see asian women, especially pretty ones i tear up. when i hear the name breana i want to maime things. i used to hate anime and now i am obsessed. i just got a japanese style haircut. I have stopped listening to things he already said she listens to too. like my old favorite song, I wanna hold your hand, the new one from across the universe. there are several things that she and i seem to have in common and it only furthers my drs. point, that he was filling that void where i should have been with her. ive found videos pictures......maybe in time ill be done with all this but i don't really see an end to this little phantom pain in the back of my mind. maybe i am just weak and stupid. idk. i dont think so. but i forgive him and toook him back to work it out but the thoughts are still there. these tendencies are still here. they tried to give me anxiety medication for it but its not anxiety. i am not anxious scared or nervous. i feel fine. feel. but i am not fine. my feelings are fine. but my mind is still a little warped i think.


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## Dragonfly (May 4, 2011)

Thanks for clarifying. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry that you have gone through so much trauma. 

In your first post you stated that you were looking for some advice or insight.

Having gone through a ton of trauma as a child, I can tell you a few things:

When an adult woman has gone through trauma as a child, at the hands of a male figure - father, step father, grandfather - these men (or man) set the bar for how the female is to be treated by future male partners(s).

If a woman had been raised by a male that showed love, affection and appropriate discipline, she will choose a partner similar to the caring male that raised her. He made he feel that she is meant to be loved and cherished so that is what she sets out to find in a partner.

If a woman has been exposed to trauma, chaos, violence, degradation by a male, he is telling her to expect nothing better from a partner than what she has already received as a child.

In fact, not only to expect, but to made aware that is what she deserves.

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Time and time I hear about society asking why a battered woman stays with her batterer. She stays because she has been told that this is the best it will ever be for her. And she has been told that this is what she deserves, because she deserved the same when she was a child.

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It is only through intense, long term councelling that a female will start to realize why she met and settled for a batterer

And once she truly understands how she was brainwashed as a child and young woman to settle for an adult life of abuse and trauma, she will want more for her life (and her children).

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If you can't afford to find councelling for yourself (this is not about your partner going with you) contact places like sexual abuse centres, mental health agencies, hospitals, doctor - between all of these resources, someone will know of a support group or trauma program that might be able to help you.

But you need to understand something - it took years for you to learn to accept abuse as a way of life (and that it is all you are worth).

It will takes years to fully understand your life experiences - and to recognize that you deserve better. And so do the children.

Best of luck


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## Darla (May 4, 2011)

Let me withdraw my previous statement.  Now that you've explained everything it is a pretty horrible situation.   You need to get away from this guy most definitely and get custody of your kids. 

Whether this is a shelter or family or friends it is important to get away.

What Carolyn wrote about above is so true.   Good luck with everything.


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## Amendria (May 5, 2011)

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this, as the person before me said, you need to get away. Away from his friends, his family, anyone he knows and especially him. You can't allow your children to think that kind of life if okay. The best of luck to you.


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## rosieish (Jul 4, 2011)

Quote: Originally Posted by *Darla* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Let me withdraw my previous statement.  Now that you've explained everything it is a pretty horrible situation.   You need to get away from this guy most definitely and get custody of your kids. 

Whether this is a shelter or family or friends it is important to get away.

What Carolyn wrote about above is so true.   Good luck with everything.
I agree with Darla here. You are feeling these things because you are not healed yet. This guy seems to think that horrible actions like that can be swept under a rug and forgotten. You deserve better. You need to get away from this person. You are scared because this person has not made you feel at all secure and certain that the bad things will not happen again, even if the forgiveness is there. The bottom line is you need to heal, there are counselors out there that can help. Some of them offer sliding scale fees, meaning they will charge you less if you are low income or on social assistance.


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