# Wtf is wrong? Help!



## MissMissy (May 14, 2007)

OK this is going to sound so so confusing.. i have been with my lovly for 4 years and i love him i know i do! We have both had are bad points in are realationship but none the less i love his dearly well i get like this sometimes i cannot understand my emotions.. i feel lik eim falling out of love with him.. i dont want to kiss dont want to be touched by him i look at other guys! but i do this only everyonce in awhile.. i am getting married next summer and cannot imagine my life with out him.. i get a guilty feeling all the time now.. i cheated years ago and now here it is stabbing me making me feel like shit he does know about and told me to stop worring about it it happend awhile ago.. i love him i doo i dont know were this ****ing feeling is coming from or if that is really what this feeling is... does anyone get like this! I feel its because im not on my prozac anymore. i suffer from bipolar. and deppression. please help.. i dont want to loose the LOVE of my life because of my mixed feelings! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM!!!


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## pinksugar (May 14, 2007)

hmm. I don't know what to suggest. Maybe you just want to experience being single, being with more people before you get married, but at the same time you know that you really want to be with him? if that makes sense.

I wish you all the best. If it happens only once in a while then just suck it up and wait for it to pass



GOOD LUCK and let us know how you go!


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## MissMissy (May 14, 2007)

well i told him how i felt.. he was hurt.. then i told him how much i cared for him, he seemed confused.. I asked him to hang in there with me.. that i am going to ignore it till it pass's! I want to be with him girls.. i dont want to do anything to jepordise that. but its like all i can do is talk about having sex with other guys.. like would you ge tmad if i cheat. like the other day i checked my underwear to makes sure they were ya know ok.. there was a hottie working out in the gym i cought myself doing it and was like.. what the f*ck. i have never even spoke to this guy in the gym, still havent! why am i thinking like this.. do all women do this ... I told him i think its is because im not on my meds anymore.. i have not ben on them for 6 months i think... my parents told me awhile back they noticed when im not on them. i can make desions for myself.. maybe its just hormones.. that is why im asking to all girls do you feel like this sometimes.. ! i just couldnt imagine being with anyone else i dont know what my problem is but i know it will pass.. just why do i get like this.. do you get like this .. I HATE THIS!!!!


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## Saje (May 14, 2007)

Are you sure that you dont need your meds anymore? Is there a reason why you stopped? Are you sure its your illness that is causing you to think like that?

Girl, youre confusion, even if you love the guy will lead you astray. Ask yourself those questions I asked you. Because if you continue feeling like this, then you will stray. And I think if it is not your meds (or if it is but you wont go back to them) then for your sake and your guys feelings sake, maybe its time to break up and re-evaluate the relationship.

Its one thing to look... but to have thoughts of cheating, and shutting down your partner is another.

I hope you figure things out for yourself.

AND NO IT IS NOT OK TO CHEAT.

If you really want to sleep with someone else, then you need to break up now.


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## Shanelle (May 14, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Saje* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Are you sure that you dont need your meds anymore? Is there a reason why you stopped? Are you sure its your illness that is causing you to think like that?
Girl, youre confusion, even if you love the guy will lead you astray. Ask yourself those questions I asked you. Because if you continue feeling like this, then you will stray. And I think if it is not your meds (or if it is but you wont go back to them) then for your sake and your guys feelings sake, maybe its time to break up and re-evaluate the relationship.

Its one thing to look... but to have thoughts of cheating, and shutting down your partner is another.

I hope you figure things out for yourself.

AND NO IT IS NOT OK TO CHEAT.

If you really want to sleep with someone else, then you need to break up now.

That's very good advice. I agree.


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## AngelaGM (May 14, 2007)

I believe that you were much too young when you became seriously involved. I think you are realizing that now. I can certainly understand as to why you feel so torn about your feelings. And the fact that you cheated on him just proves my point. I think you might feel a great sense of relief if you break off your engagement. Please think long and hard about your decision.


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## katnahat (May 14, 2007)

I think you should go see your doctor to figure out if you should go back on your meds. It sounds like being off of them is having an impact. Maybe you should not make any important decisions until you have the medication situation figured out.

I hope you get everything worked out.


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## Saja (May 14, 2007)

I dont mean this to sound harsh at all, i just want to help. Your paragraph was really hard to read. You need to use sentences properly. I found it hard to follow where you were going with your sentences. Having said that, and getting back to the topic at hand, I know soooo many people who go through this. They dont fall out of love, they just get too comfortable. Im a strong believer that a relationship should never have soooo many ups and downs. Thats just my belief and most wont agree. I just find so many people who struggle and have all those fights, end up splitting in the end. Im really not able to help. Im sure the MUT advice Guru will have some great advice for you soon!!!


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## Dragonfly (May 14, 2007)

OK there are a few points I want to make.

I'm going to be very candid. I also suffer from bipolar and I am more prone to depression that mania. I am on mood stabilizers and an anti psychotic. I can't take anti depressants because thay cause me to become manic. So when I'm not well, the doctor tweeaks the mood stabilizers. Plus, I can get seizures so I have to be really careful with my medication.

Whenever I meet someone that has a mental illness and is not on meds, they remind me of an addict that continues to take drugs.

Medication is best for someone that has been diagnosed with a mental illness. The trick is finding the right med(s) and the correct dosage.

I wonder if being on medication would help keep you stable and therefore benefit your relationship. If your boyfriend knows you have a mental illness, why doesn't he encourage you to be on the medication? If he prefers your instability over your medicated state, does he really want the best for you?

Finally, have you taken a pre marital course? I never did, but apparently they help couples to emotionally prepare for marriage and all the things that come with it.


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## MissMissy (May 14, 2007)

OK well ... those were a little blunt! I never plan on cheating on me fianc'e. next he begs me to get back on my meds but i just never did no reason why. just never did. I am almost 100% sure this is me not being on my meds taking hold of my emotions! I will get this worked out on my own thanks


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## Dragonfly (May 14, 2007)

Missy, I hope you aren't upset by the things I wrote.

I think you are very cute, have a great personality and I always enjoy your posts.

Eight years ago, I started on this crazy cycle of meds, not being able to work and having a lot of chaos in my life.

When I stopped my meds, I always got into trouble, hung out with the wrong people, and I was somewhat low fuction. Rather than viewing life clearly, I saw it through "a kaleidoscope". I hope that makes sense.

When I stayed on my meds, things had a way of settling down and I would use a lot better judgement.

So it wasn't just that everything around me was messed up. I was contributing to the BS as well. My impulse control was very poor, I would get angry too easily, and my sense of judgment was terrible.

I think that because you are choosing not to take meds, you are contributing to the instability of your relationship.

You have mentioned that your family knows when you aren't on them.

And your boyfriend supports you taking them.

If you want calmness and stability in your life, I encourage you to try meds again.

They are not going to make you high or stoned, just normal.

And normalicy is a nice thing to have, especially when you will be married soon.

PM me anytime you want to talk


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## MissMissy (May 15, 2007)

well everything you descrived with you not being on your meds.. put it to the T. that is how i feel i talked to my mom today and she told me what im feeling is natrual for all girls my age as ling as i dont do anything.. but twith the pulling away and not wanting to be touched is probley more of me not beings on my meds. i do loose my temper but yet and very sensitive as well.. just right now i can see my life clearly.. my meds makes it to weare my emotions are clear. plus my mom said bipolar people have a very high sex drive.. * makes youw ant to **** anything that walks by* so meds also stables that so in two weeks meds here i come.. i just need to keep my self together till then.. i say two weeks cuase i get health insurance then. and i can have therapy as well


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## pinksugar (May 15, 2007)

well that's good to hear



good to know that everything should calm down. Best of luck chicken


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## Dragonfly (May 15, 2007)

When your mom said that Bipolar people have a very high sex drive, I would like to clarify something. Bipolars on medication may have a high sex drive but we also have pretty goood impulse control and we are more aware of consequences to our actions.

Bipolars not on medication have high sex drives combined with low impulse control and a poor ability to predict the consequences of their actions. This is why we can get into so much trouble.

I'm glad that you mentioned you are very sensitive. I am as well. This is an on going emotion for me because I never know what people are feeling or how they feel about me - I tend to think the worst rather than be positive.

Being Bipolar makes everything seem like its under a magnifying glass.

Medication makes life come back to reality and I have a better perspective. Hope this passage makes sense.

Missy, if you feel an impulsive developing, please post again. I am interested in how you are feeling, coping . Or like I said before, PM me if you want.


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## MissMissy (May 15, 2007)

hmm impulse not sure what that means! Let me just tell ya little about me.. i am very sinsitve yes i am constanlty unsure of myself and my perfomace at anything deff at work so i get so stressed out about that. plus i take things to heart.. if someone tells a joke.. i have to know know them other wise i get deffensive. Also i just get on these guilt trips... they are so bad.. i have messed up in the past with cheating and what not.. but i was on a guilt trip for 6 months before.. its is the worse feeling ever! It makes me want to cut agine just to get it off my mind.. * i used to be a cutter but stopped. The last time i cut myself i felt it.. what i mean is i never used to feel it cause iw as so depressed.. but the last time i did it was out of anger and it hurt so bad* now thats cleared up the guilt trip is back!it left for about....6 months. came back the other night. when i was at work. there was a guy i have never talked to in my gym and i went to the back room to makes sure my pantys were still clean and i was clean.. like i was preparing myself to have sex with this guy but i have never said anything to this guy in my whole life still havent dont really want to lol.. so i am not sure what the hell i was thinking! deep down i feel like i would never cheat on my man.. but on the surface i question myself and thts what makes it so hard.. like missy would you cheat.. i mean you are looking at your underwear.. and blah blah. its like i have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other! its driving me crazy! i ge pissed easily i think because im so stressed about it i dont feel right touching my man. deep down im like i love you kiss me hug me ont he surface im like do i want to kiss you.. are we ok to kiss i feel like something is missing here! I broke his heart the other day.. he wants to go on a truck and leave on the weeks and be here on the weekends.. i told him if he did i would cheat.. i think i said that more for him to stay.. he was hurt i cleared it up a bit i said.. i need someone here for me. i am one who doesnt like to stand alone when i am sad or lonly or going through a spell i wont have anyone to turn to.. some guy might end up taking that place talking to me getting to know me and just i dont want to risk loosing you.. that i want him to stay .. i think most of that was for him to stay.. i dont like being withou him but then there is that devil and that angel.. miss you would so cheat on him the mintues he walked out of the room. the other side.. you love him things will be ok;.. GOD IM CRAZY! oh and the devil and angel thing are just feeling im not really having the devil talk to me LOL! help me girl does it sound like its my meds or what!! two weeks and im getting som serious help girls. i AM NOT LOOSING THE MAN I LOVE BECASUE IM ****IN CRAZY!















p.s if there are any miss spellings or cant understand im sorry im just a mess right now! thank cw1 for everything you are helping me without being rude and that is the kinda help i like as for the other girls who have shown that same kind ways!


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## Dragonfly (May 15, 2007)

Let me explain what I mean by being impulsive.

You know how a little kid sees a chocolate bar but know his supper is in 1/2 hour, he'll still eat the bar. Because he couldn't control his behaviour - or he had poor impulse control - he gets into trouble from his mom for spoiling his appetite.

Now that same kid is now a man. Even though he is hungry, he can wait the 1/2 hour because he can control his appetite - or has good impulse control.

This is what I mean by having poor impulse control over sex.

I started taking meds in 1999. I tried this and that - this strength and that dosage.

I was a regular guinea pig. I couldn't tolerate some side affects and I wouldn't stay on the meds. I was in hospital 4 times in 2 years.

The biggest thing that I noticed about my thoughts was my sex drive.

When I was high (manic), I was super horny. I mean I was really out of control.

I always thought about sex. I would approach men for the stupidest reasons just to stare at them. When I was in the hospital, I would come on to all the male patients and staff.

My psych had a male resident that interviewed me. I asked him all kinds of innappropriate things and embarrassed the heck out of him - he refused to see me again haha.

But when the medication started to work, I would settle down and my perverted would still be there, but I could control them and I wouldn't talk to strange men anymore. Which is a good thing, because I could have been hurt or worse.

There is a book called - I Hate You - Don't Leave me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. Even though it is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder, it talks a lot about people that want a relationship but sabotage the relationship at the same time.

I have done this - I really like a guy but I will test him and piss him off. Then when he says it's over, I tell him not to go and that I love him.

It might talk about cutting also.

Anyways, if you have a library in your town, you might want to have a look through it and see if you'll get anything out of it.

I can only tell you how things are for me. I'm still the same person on my meds. I still like sex, I sleep better because my brain can calm down. I have taken lots of courses and I am volunteering right now. I have a son to think about - he's 14 and he needs me to be healthy and functional. When I'm not on my meds, I am really difficult to be around - feisty and arguing - and date bad boys that are not good for me or my son.

I am really sensitive as well - I still don't always know why people say things and sometimes I think they are being mean - but I don't say anything. If I was not on my meds, I would argue with them or cause a fight. Meanwhile, they were just trying to be funny and not causing problems.

Like I said earlier - not taking meds just ads to my confusion and chaos.


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## Lia (May 16, 2007)

I don't have any advice to tell you, but i just wanted to say good luck and to listen to carolyn



She gives great advices!


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## MissMissy (May 16, 2007)

well my dad is has a borderline personatliy.. my mom sayd i act just like him and that SHE KNOWS i have it to.. she can tell. and i am also very manic.. i do that what you said about piss a guy to his limit then when he calls it quits.. iam like why i love you why would you do that and we are together.. i mess with my mans head alot but when im doing iti dont really realise it! MEds i think are a deff for me.. i am everything you say .. when you were not on your meds.. i think being bipolar and manic and haveing a borderline peronsality have something to do with what i am feeling! I have alot of things.. i dont think it is right for me to be off my meds if i want to save my realionship i need to get back on my meds.. i wont be such a horn dog i wont be so sinitive and i wont be snappy and unsure of everything i do! it just i think the borderline personality is when i have a feeling but the top part of the questioning shows.. liek the devil and angel thing.. and the bipolar with al my emotions and manic with the hornyness lol not tryikng to make excuses but does this sound like this behavior is me not being on meds... or is it what it is!


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## Dragonfly (May 16, 2007)

I think someone with bipolar disorder can act like someone who has borderline personality disorder and someone who has post traumatic stress disorder.

I was in a trauma program about 4 years ago. There were eight women altogether. At least 3 of us had bipolar, one was borderline personality, a few had depression and the others were never diagnosed.

But we all reacted the same to certain discussions.

And we all behaved the same way under certain circumstances.

We all had screwed up relationships, no one could trust anyone, we all tested our partners, we were all angry and we all had chaotic lives.

Remember what I said about bipolars and meds - if a bipolar doesn't take their meds, they remind me of a drug addict that keeps on doing drugs.

Before an addict can be rehabilitated, they have to stop taking drug.

So a bipolar has to take their meds so they can have a better quality of life.

Even if you have some borderline personality traits, the medication like lithium will calm you and get you to think more clearly. Then you can talk to your doctor and ask them if you might be borderline personality.

Bottom line - I think that you need meds to think clearly, it will calm you down and will get you to think of how your actions are affecting others and yourself.

If you take the medication and it doesn't help, that should tell the doctor that you might not be a bipolar after all. Maybe the doctor can focus on borderline personality then, but rule out Bipolar first.

I was going to mention, ask your doctor for generic medication like generic lithium. They are just as good as the real original lithium but a lot less money.


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## MissMissy (May 16, 2007)

well i have been dignosed with bipolar.. i can tell you that and add.. but the borderline thing my om says.. she says i act just like my father to a T and he was diagnosed with it.. i have been on prozac before and it just made me feel clear and happy. im not on it and every thing is fuzzy! that is why i said i feel like its is me not being on my meds.. but didnt want to make excuses so wanted to know what someone thought that has listened to my story in and out! I love this man with everything i have .. i want to get my shit together.. i dont want to loose him. but this feeling i have is gonna end up in the bad end.. if dont get rid of it.. its like deep down i want to be held and loved.. but the top is says. dont touch me.. im upset something is missing between us.. i was molested as a child so i wounder sometimes if that has something to do with it.. either way i love him and wat the top feeling to go away.. and have the inner feelings shine.. i dont want to take a break and i dont want to lose him! he is my best friend.. he is my lover and im gunna do what i have gotta to do.. to be with him.. even if it means to ignore these feelings.. (like i said i had these feelings before and they left.. and i felt it was somethign to do with the meds i was on .. or if i was even on meds at the time i dont rememeber) dunno its so confusing .. it just makes me want to pull my hair out..


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## Dragonfly (May 16, 2007)

Missy, You keep going back to how much you love your man and how much you don't want to lose him. Does he know you want to try the meds again?

He needs to do what he can to encourage you to see your doctor and follow your doctor's recommendations.

I think I remember this from a prior post - he needs to keep a**holes out of your life that only upset you.

Can you show him some of the things you have written here?

The Bipolar disorders are just chemical imbalances in the brain.

Because everyone has their own personality, sense of humour, anger control, insight, intelligence, etc, the imbalances will be a bit different for everyone.

When I'm not on my meds, all my thoughts and feelings were magnified. Because I have always had a high sex drive, I think that's why I noticed the increased dirty, perverted thoughts.

If you have not had therapy to deal with the molestation as a child, these thoughts and feelings may be what causes the intensity for you.

By the way, I'm sorry you were mistreated as a child. I had a crappy childhood as well. That's why I went into the trauma program 4 years ago. To help deal with all those feelings from my childhood.

I wanted to clarify something, the trauma program is for women that have been diagnosed with "complex post traumatic stress disorder". Not all women had the same diagnosis such as bipolar, borderline, depression - but we all suffered from PTSD.

When you talk to your doctor about starting meds again, ask if there is a free program in your community that can help you get past the molestation.

If you can get past it, that will help your bipolar as well.

Because, you have this swirling intensity inside of you. If you can learn some coping mechanisms and be taught how to stay "in the moment", you can teach yourself how to calm down when you feel like you are out of control.

Did you ever talk to your man about your molestation?

If he can support you in getting councelling, help you stay on the meds, plus keep a**holes out of your life that only upset you, you will be well on your way to having a happy, stable, normal life with him.

Missy, I'm going to type out a few passages from a book called " Depression and Bipolar Disorders. You might know these things or these ideas might be new:

"Bipolar disorder seems less dependent on external events and styles of interacting, and more on chemical imbalances.

It is a chronic and reoccuring illness that will not disappear, and requires ongoing treatment to help you cope.

The mood distorts your perceptions so that you see the world as all wonderful or all terrible, and you cannot be reasoned out of this perception just by talking.

A family-focused approach to this illness can be very healthy (this includes friends, partners and spouses). Intense emotional interactions can make your situation worse. Once your family understands that your illness is caused by chemical imbalances, and not by flaws in the family, they can let go of their guilt and overinvolvement.

Lowering the emotional temperature may give you space to calm down. People with bipolar disorder are usually very sensitive to over stimulation and do better with low-key styles of emotional expression, and large doses of approval and attention from their relatives and friends.

However, family and friends should honestly, but respectfully, let you know if your behaviour upsets them.

They may also be able to help you work against the disorder.

When they know you are currently unable to deal with too many outside events, they can help by decreasing your expectations. For example; you may have to settle for less stressful and less challenging work; you may not be able to travel or work where your sleep pattern becomes upset."


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## MissMissy (May 17, 2007)

WEll my boyfriend does not hang around those who upset me no.. we have had a talk about that.. i loose control of myself when i am upset with someone.. i just dont care about anything .. my boyfriend does now abou tme being molested as a child and he helps me cope with it.. but the feeling i feel just are so crazy.. like the i love him .. then the other do you really love him shit.. it piss;s me off when i think of it.. i have NEVER been so close to anybody in my life.. i love this man.. i tell him so much that alot of women i know dont tell there man i have to or the guilt eats me.. well it feels lke i have not told hims something but i have told him everything in my life. i can think of! There is like a whole in my heart that needs to be filled and i dont know how it happend or what it is. i want to ignore it... but why is it there. it was there along time ago then left here this same feeling is back i called it the guilt hole! I have read up on bipolar yes.. but the feeling i fell make me sound like im crazy .. i just wnat to love him and be happy and healthy


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## AngelaGM (May 17, 2007)

Originally Posted by *cyw1* /img/forum/go_quote.gif OK there are a few points I want to make.
I'm going to be very candid. I also suffer from bipolar and I am more prone to depression that mania. I am on mood stabilizers and an anti psychotic. I can't take anti depressants because thay cause me to become manic. So when I'm not well, the doctor tweeaks the mood stabilizers. Plus, I can get seizures so I have to be really careful with my medication.

Whenever I meet someone that has a mental illness and is not on meds, they remind me of an addict that continues to take drugs.

Medication is best for someone that has been diagnosed with a mental illness. The trick is finding the right med(s) and the correct dosage.

I wonder if being on medication would help keep you stable and therefore benefit your relationship. If your boyfriend knows you have a mental illness, why doesn't he encourage you to be on the medication? If he prefers your instability over your medicated state, does he really want the best for you?

Finally, have you taken a pre marital course? I never did, but apparently they help couples to emotionally prepare for marriage and all the things that come with it.

What excellent advice=)


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## Dragonfly (May 17, 2007)

I have to tell you something - I think you really understand a lot even though you feel out of control. That tells me you have a lot of insight about what makes you crazy and what makes you happy.

I'm glad your boyfriend can listen to you and help you through things.

I think that when you get back on Prozac, everything will calm down and not be erratic. You already know what is important and that you really want it.

Your boyfriend knows how much you love him. The angel devil feelings will go away and you will be at peace again. Have you made an appointment to see your doctor? Do you want your boyfriend to go with you?


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## AngelaGM (May 17, 2007)

I have Bi Polar Disorder as well. If you ever need to talk, please IM me.


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## MissMissy (May 17, 2007)

i am getting an appt as soon as i get my health care at work.. in two weeks and counting.. and yes he will come with me. he can help describe some of my behavior to the doc that i dont notice im doing sometimes.. so he is helpful. and its like a mini counsling session for us! JUst thanks for being here and eharing me out!


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## Dragonfly (May 17, 2007)

When I wasn't well, it was difficult to get someone to talk to me without judging me. Because I had trouble forming complete thoughts, I had trouble putting things into words.

I would get frustrated because it seemed like everyone thought I was stupid or needed to be babysat - My own mom would get aggitated if I didn't call her every day. I don't know how many time we would fight because she treated my like a baby.

Try to remember these two things to mention to your doctor:

Ask for generic Prozac. It is just as good as the original and is less money.

Ask for doctor if he/she can refer you to a program that deals with child abuse/sexual abuse/sexual assault. And see if it can be at no cost to you.

Even when you get back on the meds, you are still going to have feelings about your childhood. I was in the trauma program for 1 year - it was 2 hr a week.

It helped me immensely to get past my childhood and I don't have trust issues like I use to have. Even if it is a short program, they can teach you how to focus

"stay in the moment" and not get overwhelmed by the past.

I don't mind listening at all. Post whenever you want to talk hun.


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## MissMissy (May 18, 2007)

today was good. i didnt feel the guilt trip today! Well not as much anyway.. lol it was not there in my feelings.. unless i thought about it.. like before it wa slike a bug bite that kept itching it was just the feeling all day of the guiltyness. but not today! yay.. nope today i am having bladder problems again.. back to the doc i go! EG


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## Dragonfly (May 18, 2007)

I'm happy to hear that your day is better.

I remember a few of your posts in the health section.

I have something to share but it might sound weird.

When I was in the trauma program, I had to fill out surveys and questionaires. The hospital was doing an indepth study about childhood abuse, trauma and unexplained physical symptoms.

Some of the questions referred to headaches, body aches, problems with bowels, problems with urination and physical discomfort in genitals.

The study was ultimately trying to prove that whatever type of abuse a child went through, they would continue to have unexplained discomfort in the same regions, as they aged.

I believe that the study is still running so they haven't published anything conclusive yet.

Anyways, if you are still having symptoms and no one is giving you a reason why you are in pain, maybe this information can offer some insight.


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## MissMissy (May 19, 2007)

that is so wierd .. i have never herd of that..hmm i will have to look into that b/c these pains down there ruin everything.. cant go on trips get in to much pain cant have sex it will hurt the next day cant use tampons hurts in 3 hours. and just everything cant enjoy baths and iot sucks my wish is so be healthy one day!!


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## Dragonfly (May 19, 2007)

Are you noticing that you have these symptoms when you aren't taking your meds, or do the symptoms go away when you take them?

Like I said earlier, I think that not taking the meds makes you think more about your childhood trauma ( even subconscientiously) just like when I don't take my meds, I think about my childhood a lot more and I think about sex a lot, as well.

The study is/was done in Ontario inconjuction with a university and hospital.

I'm reluctant to say their names because I like to have some anonymity.

PM me if you need to know the exact names.

I don't know if the study is finished or if they have published their results.

Regardless, talking to a someone that has specialized in childhood or spousal trauma may be familiar with associating physical symptoms with trauma.


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## MissMissy (May 20, 2007)

well today was a bad day with the feelings! THe guilt trip hit hard today making me very depressed and sasd.. my fiance said what has happand has happend and he forgives me but its like i cant forgive my self for the way i am acting or have done to him in the pass! I dont know if these feelings come when im off or on my meds. i cant really remember to be honest.. but in know it had happend along time ago! I was on prozac i think not to sure about this.. but i didnt feel it was helping at the time. that i needed to be on somethign different which i have told my dr before but.. he didnt want to put me on anything else in fact at the time he wanted me off all meds.. i wont see that dr again because i know what is good for me.. i need some medication to help lead me in the right direction and the prozac was not helping the depression i was in at the time.. but yes the prozac did help with other things like iw as not scared of everything.( i jump at everything im always scared of stuff) I can concentrate on things. I dont get so sesitive and i dont loose my temper as easily.. and just sometimes i felt happier! Made me see better sie to things!

So this feeling has been here before.. he it is dont know what it is what it means or how to get ride of it.. i spoke to my man he said if im falling out of love with him he will wait for me to fall back in love he loves me to know end. which im happy with i want to be with him.. i know there is some love for him i just dont know what this unfimalir feeling is like i am just not wanting to be touched by him.. (not all the time) i am snappy. But i look at tother guys and think about sex( my mom says its ok to have fantasys) But i have had planning of sex.. like the underwear deal yeah i maybe making a big deal out of this. but a hot guy came int ot he gym and i went to the bath room to see if my underwear were ok *just in case** WTF i cought myself doing it and said what the hell are you doing you have never even spoke to this guy.. and i still havent** Eg just shoot me


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## Dragonfly (May 20, 2007)

I know a few psychs in my community. They are reluctant to give someone with Bipolar Disorder anti depressants. The problem with anti depressants is finding the correct strenghth. Too much anti depressant can make a Bipolar experience feelings of mania. If the patient takes too little, they can still feel depressed.

And anti depressants don't come in small strenghs so the doctor can adjust them easily. They alway seem to come in 5 mg, 10 mg, 20 mg, etc.

What if a patient needs 3 mg or 17 mg? It can be a very difficult to give the patient the correct dosage.

Most Bilpolars I know are on either Lithium, Tegretol, Epival, Lamitrol - these are all classified as mood stabilizers.

The doctor will get you to do a blood test every month. This way, not only can the doctor talk to you and know how you are feeling, but he can also tell by the blood test, if you have enough or too much medication.

You doctor can add an anti depressant or an anti psychotic medication to help keep you calm and have regular sleep.

I take lithium, tegretol and Seroquel (anti pychotic). This combination really works for me. If I feel depressed or manic, the doctor can give me a little less or more or the lithium or tegretol, but he leaves the seroquel alone.

Your man is pretty amazing. If he forgives you, that is great.

Don't feel guilty about the past. Your illness has caused you to behave in a way you normally wouldn't.

You can't change the past, but you can do things to prevent fooling around again.

1) Remove yourself from temptation. Don't go to environments where you are alone with other guys.

2) If you feel like you want to have sex, pleasure yourself so you don't seek out someone.

3) Alcohol and street drugs can impair your judgement even more. Try to stay away from them altogether.

Right now, your judgment and feelings are a bit mixed up. Trust what your mom and boyfriend have to say. They will let you know if your thoughts are reasonable or not. Sounds like they really love you alot. If they are telling you not to feel guilty, trust their judgement.


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## MissMissy (May 21, 2007)

you are so right! ABout it all the meds and just how to stay away from places where i might get myself into trouble. i love my man to death and i dont want to loose him! i am going to DEFF get some help becasue these feelings are the worst to ever feel. i hate being bipolar. i dont ever see any good come out of it!




But my man loves me still and that is the best thing i can ever hear!! TOday was a good day i havent had those feelings that much did once today and thats it.. really today i have just been snappy!but im trying to buy a truck and my finances just arnt working with me. so thats probley where i get the snappyness from.. yeah i dont understand why im on prozac really the doc never made much since he was going to leave me off my prozac no meds at all he told me i need to learn how to cope with my emotions.. well i took myself off.. like he said he would do slowly. and here i am! messed up in the4 head.. I CANT COPE WITH THEM!!! I JUST CANT I TRIED!


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## Dragonfly (May 21, 2007)

Why not put the truck purchase off for a few weeks? Right now, you are very tight inside, like a coiled spring or something. I describe myself as a rattle snake, just waiting for a chance to strike if I get provoked.

Don't put yourself in high stress, emotional situations that will make you angry.

It's the same as avoiding bars or places with sexy guys, because even if you fight the impulse, it can still screw you up emotionally.

Once you start taking meds again, it will only take a week or so before you start to feel "normal" again.

Then you can try to find a truck or another vehicle. Maybe you'll get an even better deal if you wait.


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## MissMissy (May 22, 2007)

a rattle snake.. good choice of words lol! That is excatly how i feel! See when i see guys i am like a guy think with the crotch and not the heart or mind! Just because i see a guy and think dirty,



.. I DONT LOVE THAT PERSON..AT all in fact have the people i see. i have never talked to before.. but dont want to chance myself.. its sad... i dont even trust myself. how do i excpet my fianc'e to trust me



But i cant controll it! I have got a better grip on it though seeing how i cought myself in the act of it..(the panty check in the bathroom)

I have alot better hold over my sexuality when i am on a moodstabliser. yes i must say that.. and i need them quick before i loose the one i love over this hormone i cant controll. its like a dog in heat i swear.. but im proud of myself.. i have done really well staying away from the oppist sex. i just dont even make eye contact with the person.. is it noraml to tense and and get nervous around cute guys though.. i feel like i shouldnt being acting like that.. i think i take things over bored ALOT and i just will do something silly. then im like WTF DID I DO THAT FOR.. or why am i thinking like that. omg.. i need to tell me man.. yes this one place i cannot master i have to tell my finac'e EVERTHING. i cannot keep anything. i mean anything.. i dont know why.. i just get to feeling so guilty.. it can be the smallest thing. i mean he is not mean to me or anything and he does not demand me around.. it just comes natrual to tell him everything.. for example i told someone i wish i some money to get this lotion i saw.. they said just take some money out of your next check and dont tell your man. I CANNOT NOT tell him lol.. he dont get mad! I just have to tell him. and they are like well why did you do that.. dont know.. just have to. if i dont tell him something as simple as taking some cash out for lotion without telling him.. i will just freak out..



get guilty and just pull my hiar out get stressed and its just alot simpler if i tell him.. maybe thats why i feel like there is something im hiding.. but i have told him everything about everything to my knowlege. maybe cause the guilt feeling and feeling sad .. that is why i am taking things over bored to assure myself.. that thats not going to be the reason for my feelings that i am currently feeling.. if that makes since lol.. today was good feelings were almost normal.. eh hurry medication. lol


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## Dragonfly (May 23, 2007)

I know you have a lot of guilt inside of you. Have you always had a guilty conscience? When you were a child, did you get blamed a lot for things whether you did them or not?

"I dont even trust myself. how do i excpet my fianc'e to trust me?"

This is one of your quotes.

Again this goes back to your childhood - were you told by someone that you couldn't be trusted or did they make you feel bad about yourself?

I think your guilty thoughts and not trusting yourself go far back - just a hunch.

Think about this post for a bit and maybe you can recall things that tie into the guilt and trust issues.

You have a lot of insight into your moods and why you have certain thoughts.

Something I'm going to share - maybe it will make sense to you:

I use to describe myself as having "thought swings" rather than mood swings.

I think this was because my mind was working overtime.

One minute I would think one thing.

An hour later I would say something that totally contradicted my earlier words.

This would drive everyone crazy but I never had a problem with it.

Now I don't change my mind so quickly but I still have to fight off impulses.

The medication helps me to function normally but I still have my rapid thoughts and quirks.


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## MissMissy (May 23, 2007)

was i blamed alot when i was a kid...

. ALL THE TIME. i mean i kinda put in apon myself if i did something bad. and iw as cought i would blame it on my brother.. of course nobody ever beleavied me he was the "Angel" he was autistic, he got alot of attention as a kid.. even when i didnt do something and he did.. i was blamed.... if he lost his temper and was mean or hit me.. my parents would ask what i did to provoke him .. and that i was a ***** and blah blah.. one time my dad found out i lost my virginity.. and he beat me.. kicked me in the stomach. and he stood about 10 feet 15 and was o mad he through a stapler at me. and hit my mom an busted her nose. there was blood i was scared i called 911. i was the one arrested for domestic violence. my dad blames me for that. says i made him.. and i am a liar about him beating me and ...other things. i was always grounded and never aloud to do anything with friends.. i had to sneek out... if i asked to go the dance at school it caused a hudge fight and eventually my dad would put his hands on me.. so i usually never even went out.. so when i did get out on my own.. i was a wild child.. couldnt take freedom in a breath at a time.. i took it all at once.. and sometimes i feel like .. my actions are due to not being out and wild enough. but i would rather lock those feelings away to be with the guy im with now! back to my story.. i had to run away all the time. 2 to be in fact my second time iw as landed in fostercare. HELL.. i was always in trouble the women got more money if i was a promblem child.. so she made it appear that way .. they took my parents away.. and the love of my life.. the guy im with now. i had to WORK MY ASS OF TO GET THEM BACK.. deff my man.. missy get better grades missy play a sport. missy do this missy do that.. i went through a spell of cutting myself.. there. and one day i got in a fight with the lady and she grabbed my arm hard.. i told her to let go she would so i pushed her off she fell of a step. (didnt fall or anything) called the police and told them i threw her down the stairs.. i ended up at another ladys house. her son touched me.. and she called me a tramp that thought my shit didnt stink.. i told her i wanted to leave. they threatend me with girls town.. a residental. well one day i had enough she was so mean to me.. told me scrub the bathroom floor with a tooth brush.. i called the police they told me i was not seveare enough to leave the home. i trashed her home in front of the cop .. they put me in a phsyo hospital for 3 weeks.. things i saw there i will never forget. took my man away again.. and then put my in a tight residential.. far away from everyone i new. for 4 months.. that is where some of the guilt comes. in.. i never thought i would see my man again. i tried to have sex with other guys and flirted and wrote notes to other guys.. they started to let me talk to my man but i still maintained being a "hoe" never did anything but a kiss but still.. i felt like shit.. then a month before myrealse i got my act together. stoped talk to everyone and behaved like an angel.. then one day they said i could see my man and i was being let go in a month.. i was so happy i behaved and told him everything .. he was hurt.!!!





sorry it was so long..there are alot of things.. but these came to mind wheni digged deep





for the record my dad has been on meds and seeked help for his prob. and we are happy now. but still sometimes he says little comments that upset me but i love him.. and im glad he got help


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## Dragonfly (May 23, 2007)

I'm sorry that you have had such negative experiences.

I have had a crazy dysfynctional life myself - I can relate to some of your experiences.

Thanks for sharing your stories about blame and abuse.

I am a huge believer that it is our emotions that increase and get difficult to control, when we have a chemical imbalance.

Family and friends only see the unpredictable, out of control behaviour.

They think it is the chemicals causing us to behave badly.

They believe this because the doctors and mental health professionals have told them.

And where do the doctors get their info? From text books and studies.

The problem is, the books and doctors tell us that bipolar is a chemical disorder.

Once it is under control, the person will behave normally again.

I wish I was younger - I would be in university doing my own studies.

I firmly believe that it is our suppressed emotions that get released, when we our not on our medication.

I know what happens when I'm not on my meds, and I know why I behave the way I do, and I know that my unpredictable behaviour is a direct result of my emotions.

It wasn't until I was in the trauma program that I was asked about my feelings/emotions in conjunction with my illness.

No doctor or resident or nurse ever asked about my emotions.

Everyone thinks that nothing is behind the imbalance - no one thinks that my behaviours were anything more than the imbalance it self.

When I was in the trauma program, I talked about feelings that were buried.

I didn't want to deal with them so I kept them hidden inside me.

My post traumatic stress disorder was a result of my child abuse and also from a few guys when I was a teenager.

So of course I didn't want to remember all the crap so I just kept it deep inside.

Plus I never trusted anyone so I sure wasn't going to open up to anyone.

I wish I never has Bipolar, but it has helped me one respect.

If I never had my illness, I would never have been in touch with my negative emotions.

I would have walked around with lots of negative thoughts like a lot of people, and I would never have confronted them and then dealt with them.

Don't get me wrong, I still have these feelings inside, I just understand them better and I know why I have them, and I have some coping skills now to deal with them when they surface.

When I wasn't on my meds, hidden feelings from my chldhood were what people saw. They believed thay were seeing chaos. But what they were really seeing was the anger, mistrust, guilt, sadness of my childhood/youth.

And I said before, I believe that Bipolar magnifies our thoughts and our feelings.

If we feel messed up (but keep it under control) when we are well, the illness forces us to face the messed up feelings, and so we react accordingly.

I have mentioned to you that it would be great if you could get counselling for the child abuse. Contact: sexual abuse clinic, sexual assault hot line, or an organization that deals with child abuse.

Even if you get back on your meds, you will always feel a lot of blame, guilt and have trust issues.

Counselling can help you get control of all these negative emotions.

So if you go off your meds again in the future, you will have more control over the blame and guilt that can surface again.


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## MissMissy (May 24, 2007)

well ig ot some prozac today .. went to the doc for a bladder infection AGAIN&gt; suprise suprise. and i told her about how iw as waiting for my health insureance to get prozac she wrote up a script so i will have that soon.. only i dont think its the generic... so i might have to give her a call. i cant afford the real stuff.. but i am also going back to seeing a thearpyst as soon as i get the insurance.. today was a good day.. no bad feelings at all.. i was suprised.. thanks for the info it means alot to me that you keep checking in with my thread! I like the fact you help me with my probs and help to find the reason i may being having strange feelings.. at first i thought it was all me and it just made me so depressed and made me feel like i was low and my BF dersved better but no i learn it has alot to do with bipolar and childhood. THANKS


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## Dragonfly (May 24, 2007)

You are welcome hun.

I'm glad I could help you and listen to you.

When you get back with a therapist, toss some of my ideas around with him/her.

They might agree or they might think I'm full of ...

Anyways, if you want to keep posting, that is ok with me.

If you feel that you are doing better, then I will see you on another thread.


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## MissMissy (May 24, 2007)

well actually you might get a break from me LMAO! i am going on a trip tomorrow coming back monday.. i think it will help me and do me good to get away for awhile.. just going camping doing some tubing and boating. i hope the weather works for me


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## StrangerNMist (May 25, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Saje* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Are you sure that you dont need your meds anymore? Is there a reason why you stopped? Are you sure its your illness that is causing you to think like that?
Girl, youre confusion, even if you love the guy will lead you astray. Ask yourself those questions I asked you. Because if you continue feeling like this, then you will stray. And I think if it is not your meds (or if it is but you wont go back to them) then for your sake and your guys feelings sake, maybe its time to break up and re-evaluate the relationship.

Its one thing to look... but to have thoughts of cheating, and shutting down your partner is another.

I hope you figure things out for yourself.

AND NO IT IS NOT OK TO CHEAT.

If you really want to sleep with someone else, then you need to break up now.

Ditto. Think this through before exchanging vows, it'll save you and him quite a bit of heartache.

And no, it's definitely not okay to cheat - at all.


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## jaybe (May 28, 2007)

Hi I just wanted to say that I have been with my bf for 17 years and living together for 10 years. We are going to get married within a year. I definitely go through phases when I totally go off him physically and don't want to kiss or touch him. This can last for weeks at a time. Other times I can't keep my hands off him and think he's totally gorgeous. I have often had strong sexual attraction to other men but have never been unfaithful. I have gotten used to these cycles of mood changes now and know its normal for me. My bf understands this and although it sometime frustrates him he accepts it. He knows I love him but understands that some days I just don't like him that much!! I don't know if this is helpful to you. Only you can know if your man is right for you. Don't forget THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!


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## MissMissy (May 28, 2007)

im back! my trip was hell.. me and my brother got into it he was hitting people all weekend and cussing me out. then he caled me a ****ing whore. and i told him to grow up he picked my chair up and threw it. i hurt my back so bad.. my mom and dad asked me waht did i do to make him do it..hmm memorys anyone they did tht shit when i was younger which i think i did post in a earlier post. they packed up and left but the rest of us stayed im glad i did. we still had fun. although my mom is pissed at me. i got up ou tof the chair and was pissed and was running towards my little brother. my bf cought me and told me to calm down.. well. now my mom wont talk to me. last time she did she told me it was not all his fault i shouldt have chased him or in her words.. try to beat his ass.. and that he has not had his meds.. she kept blaming the whole thing on his meds.. i wanted to say so bad.. well i guess becasue i havent had my meds for the last 6 months.. thts the resason i got so pissed from being thrown from a chair.!! my parents have it in his mind that my brother can kick my ass cause he is a bigger boy so now he thinks he can take on the world. he was hitting and cussing he hit a little girl threw a bottle of water at my mans face.. and my parents did nothing.. they baby him way to much. and when he does wrong.. they blam it on his meds... and they say i cant take responsabilty for my actions.. anyways im going to post a tthread about the trip.. cause i really need some help on how to act to this. but here a a BREIF BRIEF. section of the trip.. but tother then that.. we had fun.. me and my man got closer.. my guilt feelings.. are calm.. and we are so close again!!

OH AND I KNOW ITS NOT OK TO CHEAT!


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## Dragonfly (May 28, 2007)

My family has a lot of dysfunction as well. I don't have anything to do with my brother anymore. And I only see my mom and dad (they are divorced) a few times a years, for only a few hours each visit.

Basically, I place boundaries between them and me. If I don't, all hell breaks lose.

Other than your brother's BS, sounds like things went well. And you sound happy.

Did you get the prozac filled yet? If so, how are you feeling going back on?

Glad to hear you aren't feeling as guilty. Once you know where the source of your guilt is from, it may be easier for you to manage. If you want to know more about boundaries, let me know.


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## MissMissy (May 29, 2007)

like i said before thuogh with my brother ever since they found out abouth im being autistic i was kicked to the curb. and i just cannot hold my feelings back anymore. i am not on my meds yet i just got back from the trip but do plan to get them this week. im still really emotional. and confused about me and my man but not near what i was..


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## Dragonfly (May 29, 2007)

I said on an ealier post that you should consider staying away from anything that can upset you or stress you out.

Right now you are very sensitive to other people and what they say.

You can't control anyone else but you have control over yourself.

If you have to be around your brother, leave as soon as he starts acting up.

You are not his punching bag.

If your mom doesn't understand, talk to her the next day when everyone has calmed down.

Right now, focus on yourself and your needs.

Explain to your mom that you need some space and you want things peaceful and enjoyable. And let her know that it really upsets you when your brother hurts you.

Explain that you want to deal with you illness and you want everyone's support.

I just thought of something that I should have said at the beginning. Consider finding a support group that you can join. You will be able to talk freely and get some insight from others that are going through the same thing you are.


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## MissMissy (Jun 13, 2007)

well.. the nice and joy of being free from these emotions didnt last long! Sigh. here i am again. i started my meds. I am not sure if its just becuase of my body getting used to the emotion changes. but today i saw a picture. my bf did not look his best in and i was a total *****. i feel so bad about this but. i was like very selfish. like wow.. i picked a winner. to myself of course. but why would i ever say anything like that.. it upset me to think anything like that. i was so upset at the picture that i dont even like it up on the wall anymore.. i am a fun giggly person. not a selfish twit. so im not to sure what is wrong with me.. i am so so scared im falling out of love with this man.. but deep in i feel love for him.. if that makes since? EG! What the hell. maybe its just a mood swing one minute i cant keep my hands off of him .. the next i hate him.. dont know why im with him. next im a selfish *****! I think it might just be the change in the meds... maybe the meds havent had a chance to kick in either.. i went throught a dramtic change also.. i just died my hair.. well got streeks. its purple streeks. ya i have no idea what i was thinking lol. it doesnt look bad.. but this is somehting i would never do.. am i acting out for attion does this look like a cry for help! I know wierd that i ask. but last time, i tried to change everything about myself. Got cocky about my looks, got really hyper, then one minute if someone said something i didnt like i would just straight up punch them in the face. be blunt with them.Well after all that i then cutted myself so bad that i went to the ER! I read things like this were a cry for help. Is this my bipolar talking to me right now.. i find to ignore the feelings and everything is good. But i dont want to feel them in the first place.. it makes me want to cut!

I dont know i think this was more of a vent! Please dont reply to this message if you are going to write something mean. I am very sensitive right now!


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## Dragonfly (Jun 13, 2007)

Hey Missy. Sorry to hear your aren't feeling that well.

If you have been on the anti depressant for a few weeks and nothing has changed, please talk to your doctor and consider taking a mood stabilizer.

I was diaganosed for 8 years ago. Since then, I have met at least 25-30 people that are bipolar. A couple of women do not want to take them but everyone else does. The women that don't take them are always messed up and are in and out of the hospital. Everyone one else is pretty stable, can function not to bad, and have decent qualities of life.

Have you read through this thread, from the beginning? I would say the same things to you that I did inother posts.

Have you asked your doctor about councelling or a group that deals with trauma? Have you phoned around to find a free support group for bipolars?

If you went into a group of bipolars and shared the feelings and thoughts you do here, everyone would understand. Bipolars know what it is to have very mixed emotions because of mood swings.

I really believe that until you get on the right medication (Lithium, Tegretol or Epival) and you start talking to someone (or a group) that really understands your emotions, you will continue to have all these mixed feelings with regard to your boyfriend.

I don't want you to take my advice as mean because that is not the intent.

But I have been in your shoes. I am sharing what works for me, and other Bipolars that I know. Take Care.


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