# OK, So WTH Constitute As Cheating?



## CellyCell (Jul 14, 2008)

I've been thinking about this for some time, especially after many conversations about my friend's behavior. This, I feel, will be a long post. You can skip to the bottom paragraph where it says "question" if you don't feel like reading...

-Back Story-

Okay, so my best friend is a gorgeous girl, can basically get any guy she wants, right? Don't fall asleep on me yet.

Due to that fact, she IS a flirt. Guys easily wants her attention and she'll give it to them. I think she knows she can get any guy she wants, and I believe she likes the feeling of "conquering" someone even when she doesn't like them.

She has had only 2 serious, long-term relationships. One is her first love of over 10 years and the 2nd is some doouche-bag I hate, whom she's been on-off with for over 2 years now. Her first love, he was/is an ass because he'd be cheating on her in the years they've been together. He would see other girls when they were on breaks or broken off, but so did she - only according to her - she technically never cheated on him. Only when they called it off, but you know those "breaks" where they still talk to each other as if they were still together? Yeah. Those. Well, that's when she messed with other guys.

Her 2nd guy - well, she said he wasn't the cheating type and when he's with the girl, he commits to her and doesn't talk to no other girl on the side. That's the only thing I liked about doouche-bag. But when they broke it off - he kinda made sure they didn't speak to each other, he did his own thing... he wasn't about trying to talk to my friend at the same time.

Okay, that's a bit of her history. So I hope you guys followed along.

-Further Along-

So my friend, has had these 2 guys she "loves" and all. BUT even when she was together with either one of them - she would talk to other guys on the side. You know, like texting other guys - and I can for sure say those guys where interested in her. She never kissed them - from my acknowledgment, but she talked to them. One time I was at her house and she was bored because her doouche-bag wasn't answering her calls so she decided to call some other guy. I think she honestly craves dude's attention and gets bored when no one is giving her attention. I've said to someone, "I love her to death. But she would rather choose d*cks before chicks." You know, a guy over her friend. And she herself admitted she probably has some sort of self-esteem issues because of her 1st guy always cheating on her. I told her that too because she CAN NOT go very long without talking to some guy.

On Friday, she went to go see this new guy she's been talking to for some time. It was like their 2nd meet-up, and her ass left me in the car - not telling me what happen. God knows what happen. At the same time she's calling doouche-bag and demanding to know why he ain't picking up her phone (she said they're currently NOT together, so of course - he doesn't have to pick up her phone). I'm like, wth - you're over here talking to some dude and getting mad because you're ex is not picking up your call.

Wth, right?

-Questions-



Does talking to another person while in a relationship constitute as cheating?

All you're doing is JUST talking.

It could be non-flirtacious, flirting a little bit, playful teasing type of stuff too.

(She use to flirt with my co-worker too, like call each other mamaboo and other sick-corny crap)

Would you be okay to find out your significant other is texting/IMing/talking to someone else - even if you guys weren't technically together - but you guys still talk to each other as if you were (lol, confusing I know)?



Is it okay to be a flirt? Even if you're a natural flirt/charmer?

I really wanna get some good opinions going on, I want to have a damn intervention on my friend, haha. She's almost 22 years old and I'm pretty tired of this childish behavior when it comes to relationship. I'm no expert, since I haven't been in one - so any advice/opinions would be great






What is cheating?!


----------



## pinksugar (Jul 14, 2008)

to me, cheating is a mindset. No, talking to other people is not cheating. Flirting with them isn't cheating either, but it isn't 'right'.

Cheating for me is kissing, sex etc with a guy other than your partner.

That being said, I would be just as hurt (maybe more) if he was texting someone else and talking to her on the phone in the evenings and chatting on msn all the time.

When I love my partner, I love them with my whole heart, and I don't even think about other guys. I think it is self esteem for her, like she's trying to hurt them before they hurt her.

Does this make sense?

for the other part, if she really wanted to be with him, as in, seriously, soulmate forever want to be with someone, they wouldn't be having the break - she'd be trying to call and sort it out with him, and/or so would he - not ringing some other guy. That's just going to add to the drama and I'm kind of sick of that as an excuse for pashing someone else - 'oh, we weren't technically together then' YEAH WHATEVER.

If s/he wanted to be with the other person, s/he wouldn't do that to the other person, nor would she feel like doing that either, s/he'd have full trust in their partner


----------



## CellyCell (Jul 14, 2008)

Rosers, me heart your brain long-time. GREAT ANSWER.

Gift:


----------



## Annia (Jul 14, 2008)

It really depends on the situation I am heading to the gym, but I'll elaborate later!


----------



## internetchick (Jul 14, 2008)

I agree with Rosie.

I know some people are OK with their partner flirting, but I just am not. I think it complicates things way too much. Just because you don't intend anything to come of it doesn't mean the person you are flirting with thinks the same way.

I had a friend who was the same way. Drove me nuts, and now I talk to her maybe once or twice a year. I just can't stand the over the top craving of make attention. It made her do things that made her look desperate and foolish, and it was hard to watch. She never listened when I talked to her either.


----------



## Dragonfly (Jul 14, 2008)

Talking to another person is not cheating. But being flirtacios while doing so may lead the other person into believing there is an attraction when there is not.

If I was in a committed relationship, I wold not tolerate my boyfriend texting/IMing another girl. If I were not in a committed relationship - then he can do what he wants.

Is it okay to be a flirt, while in a committed relationship - I woldn't stay with a man if that was his natre - too many fish in the sea.

With regard to cheating - If he was behaving innapropriately (kissing, touching, sexual activity) behind my back - that's cheating. If he did it in front of me and I had no problem - then it's not cheating.

I have to ask something - Is yor 22 year old friend that one that was in a ten year relationship? This all started when she was 11?


----------



## Johnnie (Jul 14, 2008)

There is no such thing as a 'break' in a relationship that I'm in. We're either together or not.

It's the ol', "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. For me, that is.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let her know what my opinions are and offer advice. If she doesn't take into consideration then it's her loss.


----------



## Andi (Jul 14, 2008)

I agree with Rosie!!!

And IÂ´m kinda outing myself here when I say I might be a little like your friend. I know for me itÂ´s a self esteem issue that I like to get guyÂ´s attention and I like knowing that they want me but canÂ´t have me. I think itÂ´s cause I was practically invisible to guys for a long time, and now that IÂ´ve "bloomed" I get the attention that I never got before and I enjoy that.

All the guys I talk to or hang out with know that IÂ´m as taken as it gets (engaged that is lol) so I feel itÂ´s a "safe area". Also, most of them are my brotherÂ´s friends, so they wouldnÂ´t dare to touch me or anything cause heÂ´d kick their asses!

My guy knows that IÂ´m somewhat of a flirt, and since heÂ´s far away I still need the male attention. If he was here with me I wouldnÂ´t need it cause IÂ´d get it from him.

I think heÂ´s still a little worried sometimes when I tell him I hung out with a guyfriend he hasnÂ´t met yet. But heÂ´d never tell me not to hang out with them, which is good cause neither of us likes those kinda restrictions in our lives.

On the other hand same thing goes for him. I know that girls are all over him, heÂ´s just the kinda guy thatÂ´s the center of attention at any party. I donÂ´t like it, but I accept it.

So what IÂ´m saying is that your friend needs to make sure her boyfriends know about that part of her personality, and that sheÂ´ll still never cheat on her guy. ItÂ´s really a gray area IMO, and it takes a very understanding partner, and you gotta know your own boundaries too.

Oh, and I personally donÂ´t believe in "breaks". Taking a break is the first step to a break-up in most cases.


----------



## Adrienne (Jul 14, 2008)

To me, anything physical is considered cheating but the rest is a little blurred for me. I do not allow flirting in any way because flirting is a way of showing interest in someone else and to me that is in now way acceptable. Flirting is the first step in a cheater's book. I know some people say it could be innocent and in no way to be taken seriously but how do you know what the other person is thinking? For all you know they think its more than just a mere encounter.

If a guy flirts with me, i don't take it seriously but it does go through my mind that he is hitting on me therefore wants more from me. Unfortunately I am the type of gal who loves attention from the guys but i don't go looking for it like your friend does. I used to crave guy attention which was a self esteem issue for me. All through high school i was single for maybe one week. I was always talking to several guys at once that way if one fell through, i'd have a back up and then a back up for the back up. I obviously grew out of that when i realized that in the end of the day i was still lonely. Thank god i matured lol.

*One rule that i've thought of to see what constitutes as cheating is if you can't do it in front of your s/o than you shouldn't be doing it at all since its probably not right in the first place.*


----------



## magneticheart (Jul 14, 2008)

*Does talking to another person while in a relationship constitute as cheating?*

It depends. There's a big difference between "The weathers nice today" and "You're so hot". I think that it's the intent behind the conversation. You can't expect your OH to never speak to a member of the opposite sex ever again but if what he's saying is flirtatious then I think you would have the right to be angry 'cos that's disrespectful.

*Would you be okay to find out your significant other is texting/IMing/talking to someone else - even if you guys weren't technically together - but you guys still talk to each other as if you were (lol, confusing I know)?*

I think you're either together or you're not. It's unfair on the other person involved to have a 'If I can't have you no one can' attitude. If you've broken up then you don't have any right to tell them who they can tex/im/talk to. It might hurt you to realise it but you can't keep acting like you're involved when you're not.

*Is it okay to be a flirt? Even if you're a natural flirt/charmer?*

I understand that to some people it comes naturally and they do it without even realising but I think there's a difference between natural flirtation and blatant flirting. I wouldn't be happy if I had a OH who flirted with other girls. You have to realise what your taking on before you get into the relationship. You can't go into a relationship with someone knowing they are a major flirt and then hate them for it, you have to decide whether you can cope with that side of their personality.

I consider cheating as something that's done that involves emotion. I wouldn't mind talking to another girl or IMing or texting but it's what's behind it. I think you can tell when someones doing what they're doing in a lovey dovey way. Personally if I had a OH who texted/IM/talked to other girls it wouldn't bother me the fact that it was with another girl. The only time it would bother me would be if it was something he was bothered about or it was important, then I would be wondering why he felt he could talk to anyone apart from me.

I hate the whole stuff about "We're on a break". I think you're either together or not and you can't expect someone to wait for you like a monk until your prepared to give your relationship another go.


----------



## SqueeKee (Jul 14, 2008)

I generally live by a simple rule:

Don't do anything you wouldn't do with your partner/spouse standing right behind you.


----------



## CellyCell (Jul 14, 2008)

Thanks everyone!

Those were really good answers!

Like Kee and a few others have mentioned about, "if you wouldn't tell your partner, then its not good" type of thing reminded me when I asked her if doouche-bag knew of her speaking to this new guy. She just gave me a glance and smiled. So that means no, he didnt.

I'm just ugh, fed up. What makes me question her is not that she just flirts with any guy, that, I don't care for - its that sometimes she flirts with taken dudes. And I get paranoid because if she can flirt with her own cousin's man - then she's more likely to flirt with mine if I ever brought him around to see her.

Its another damn conquest for her.

I dunno how to go about telling her...

Because when I do, all I get is "I know" answers and its a fustrating thing to put up with. Ayi yi yi.


----------



## pinksugar (Jul 14, 2008)

ah, but cellers, if he was worth your valuable time then when you left he'd be all 'omg that skank was flirting with me! and you were right there! wtf!"

Kee, that is a good rule to live by!


----------



## macface (Jul 14, 2008)

I think flirting is the first step to cheating no matter what. Thats how you show interest in somebody else.


----------



## pinkbundles (Jul 14, 2008)

Cheating is: having sex outside of your committed relationship, inappropriate touching of all sorts, kissing (as in lips-to-lips and tongue) and inappropriate emails/texts/chats.

That said, she's only 21 and it doesn't seem like neither she or the guys are committed to one another. So I say, let them have fun. You're only 21 once!

As they say, you have to meet many frogs before meeting the prince (hopefully she's done messing around by then so she doesn't screw it up!).


----------



## CellyCell (Jul 15, 2008)

Very true, Rosers.

PinkBundles - I use to say that, "she's young, she's an adult - blah blah - it's all in fun". I get it, I'm no grinch... but at the same time, Karma always comes back and I'm really, her only friend who puts up with it. She lost old friends because she flirted with their guys and so on... I just don't want to get to that point either. I want her to grow up and realizes her actions does affect others, not just her and her man.

She's picking me up right now, so I'll take the many great advices everyone has given me! I heart you MUT hags so much


----------



## CellyCell (Jul 15, 2008)

Oh, and Katie - thanks, you summed up my other questions too!


----------



## pinksugar (Jul 15, 2008)

lol Cellers. You're not too bad of a hag yourself. Thanks for the caffiene. Seriously need it this week!


----------



## Annia (Jul 15, 2008)

All very good points! I agree with what Kee has said, "Don't do anything you wouldn't do with your partner/spouse standing right behind you."

Aside from being an emotional affair, I don't think long distance flirting is cheating. I have a few penpals, and I am a huge flirt on IMs *with people I have never met*. I tell my boyfriend, and he sees my silly jokes from time to time.... so, I don't think that's cheating. I would also like to mention: I flirt/joke around with my (girl) friend(s) and I don't mean anything by it.

**If your partner asks you to not do something (within reason), and you do it--that's cheating. You are betraying them...


----------



## pinksugar (Jul 15, 2008)

oh, annia I totally agree with your last point. If you know it will hurt them, and you still do it - it's cheating.


----------



## beaglette (Jul 15, 2008)

What about an emotional "affair"? So many emotional affairs on the internet where nothing physical occurs, has destroyed marriages and other relationships.

If you are talking about things that you should be talking about with your SO (husband, fiance) with others of the opposite sex, then, in my opinion, you are cheating and having an emotional affair.

Good luck, Cellers!

Hugs,

Brandi


----------



## Andi (Jul 15, 2008)

Originally Posted by *CellyCell* /img/forum/go_quote.gif She lost old friends because she flirted with their guys and so on... I just don't want to get to that point either. I want her to grow up and realizes her actions does affect others, not just her and her man. ok thatÂ´s bad! I flirt with my friendÂ´s guys sometimes, for fun, when my friends are sitting there. We all have a good laugh about it, and thatÂ´s it. 
But really, your friendÂ´s boyfriends should be soooo off limits.


----------



## CellyCell (Jul 15, 2008)

Originally Posted by *beaglette* /img/forum/go_quote.gif What about an emotional "affair"? So many emotional affairs on the internet where nothing physical occurs, has destroyed marriages and other relationships. 
If you are talking about things that you should be talking about with your SO (husband, fiance) with others of the opposite sex, then, in my opinion, you are cheating and having an emotional affair.

Good luck, Cellers!

Hugs,

Brandi

I strongly feel that's part of cheating too. If I don't like it being done to me, I wouldn't do it to my partner.

Originally Posted by *Andi* /img/forum/go_quote.gif ok thatÂ´s bad! I flirt with my friendÂ´s guys sometimes, for fun, when my friends are sitting there. We all have a good laugh about it, and thatÂ´s it. 
But really, your friendÂ´s boyfriends should be soooo off limits.

Well, yeah - that's what I mean. I would flirt with my guy's friend too - in front of his face... like call him "sexy" but it was all in fun and I would never, ever have private conversations that were all flirty. I don't even act flirtacious with my guy friends - I treat them like brothers. My friend, I'm dead serious as I think about it - has no guy friends. Any "guy friend" we platonically have she's flirted with unless they were gay/fem dudes.
My friend would accept guy's number and let them call her, it would just be friendly, but you know what the guy's intentions are - to hook up. If I had a BF and some dude offered me his number, I simply would not take it. Ya know? Just out of respect. I wouldn't want my guy accepting some chick's number... for what? They ain't friends. So that's how her flirting goes.

Oh so today...

I told her what she was doing was hypocritical - and you guys, lol gah, she would seriously cut me off and be like "I know. I don't wanna talk about it no more." Hard headed! I kept pushing though. Only thing, ever since I've been riding her ass on this (basically this past year) she's stopped mentioning certain things to me and won't tell me until a month late, she KNOWS I have something to say about things and they're usually stuff she does not want to hear but knows it's the truth. It's fustrating. I'm her "best friend" but doesn't tell me anything, either she decides to confess one day or I find out myself? I'm always understanding about her problems, I don't always get mad... I don't condone it but I don't make it obvious that I do that. Sigh.


----------

