# I just need to vent...any advice is welcomed. =]



## Nella (Apr 12, 2011)

The father of my child has become someone I have never known. It started since day one of my son's birth. My son was born with a heart condition, I had a C-section ...and dad didn't do anything to help when we arrived home. He couldn't get up to get the baby and I couldn't sit myself up, he wouldn't wake up...so I'd roll onto the floor to get up and take care of our son. The few times he would get him he would get upset and not know how to calm him down so he would bounce his and say things like "Stop it, shut up, NO." So I completely stopped letting him take care of him. 

We have had numerous talks and he always says he wants to change and nothing ever happens. He can only spend up to an hour around our son and then he gets impatient. My son is 7 months old and when he cries his dad tells him to "stop crying" and then repeats "NO" over and over. I only have been out of the house a few times since birth and those few times dad has fallen asleep and someone else has had to take care of my son because dad couldn't wake up. He goes out every weekend and doesn't come back till 4, 5, 6, 7 in the morning. Sometimes he comes home and doesn't even acknowledge his own son.

So now that it's been 7 months and nothing has changed (he's actually a lot meaner) I've decided it's time to cut the cord. The only two reasons I've held on are 1. I had hope and wanted us to be a family and 2. I don't want him to even have my son for a day...I don't trust his ability to parent my child. I'm so stressed because I know it's going to become a battle with child custody and from everything I have heard it sounds like they favor the parent who makes more money and I don't have any PROOF that he isn't a good dad besides my parents seeing him sleeping through my son's crying.

*sigh* I'm just tired...I don't want my child subjected to anything less than great and I'm sorry he is even remotely close to this situation. If I knew the change that was going to take I would have taken different action. I'm sad.


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## Annelle (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't have any sort of legal advice to give, but if it came to a custody battle, would he even want custody of the child?  Because it would mean that you would not be around to wake up and care for or feed the baby and he would be forced to do all of it.  It doesn't sound like he wants nor is prepared to handle that.  I don't think the court system would automatically give parental rights to the one with more money if that person doesn't even want the child.  He can pay child support for that.


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## TMarie (Apr 12, 2011)

Nella,

I am saddened by your situation as I have four kids and although they can be challenging at times I never take them for granted.  I know that I am blessed.  It is too bad your baby daddy doesn't get it.  You are wise to move on since it sounds like he will not change and as a Mom now you have to put your child's welfare first.  Also, you do not need this stress as I am sure it has negative effects on you and your son.  I am not sure where you reside, but if I were you I would make some phone calls to see if your theory as far as custody is correct.  Where I come from the Mom is almost always granted custody unless she is horribly unfit.  If your son's father wants custody, I would assume it would be a move out ouf spite.  I think the worst case scenario would be that he would be granted joint custody.  However, I am not a lawyer, so you should make sure that you get a legal opinion.  Good luck to you and do not second guess your decision to leave.  It sounds like things may be worse than you described and that is no kind of 'family' for your boy.  Take care.


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## Amber204 (Apr 12, 2011)

Sounds like he doesn't know how to be a parent and doesn't care to learn, I am sorry for your situation and that I don't really have allot of advice to give you.

Not coming home till 7am is definitely up to no good and I wouldn't have that from my man even without kids. . .  I had a guy like that and found out everything I had feared was going on was completely true.

You two maybe happier on your own and that may be better for your sons growth and development... I don't believe we are a product of our environments entirely but there is definitely significant influence in attitudes around us and our own disposition later in life. In essence all angry men I've met had very angry father's not something I would ever want a boy to become.

Legally mother's are given custody unless seen unfit mentally from what I understand, and that doesn't sound like that would ever happen in your situation.

My mother was a single parent mainly because my parents were to young and immature at a meager 19 when they had me they did try at first but it just didn't work... It is harder on everyone but it's a question you have to ask yourself if your boys quality of life will be more positive... The last thing a kid needs growing up is to always be yelled at, they don't learn that way he is not a dog and never will be. My father was simply irresponsible and sure I was mad at him for a while as a child but I wouldn't be half the woman I am today if my mother hadn't wanted the best for me.

I send lots of hugs to you and your son and I hope you get out of that situation as safely as humanly possible.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Dragonfly (Apr 12, 2011)

You've gotten some great advice so far so I'm not sure what I can add.

You didn't mention anything about your relationship to the dad, prior to your son's birth.

How long did you know the father before you got pregnant? Was the pregnancy planned? Did the father ever seem like he wanted your son - prior to the delivery? His attitude today may be found in the attitude he had before the birth.

With regard to your leaving, as already asked, why would you think he would want to be around your son at all?

Have you discussed the possibility of moving out? Has he discussed his feelings on the subject with regard to your son?

I left my husband years ago and ended up in court a few times. This is my advice:

In order to avoid any battles in court - make sure you get the father's input prior.

Some men fight out of anger toward the mother - and not really for the children.

Courts do not just give the child to the mother automatically. But she is the one that usually wants to be the primary parent, and the child is with her - so the courts are inclined to keep the child with the mom.

In Canada, I could have a free 30 minute consultation with a Family Law lawyer.

Why not seek out a lawyer for free and ask a few quick questions.

Make sure you have your questions well thought out and written down - 30 minutes flies by very quickly when you are thinking of going to court.

I also had a c section. The recovery is very painful. I can't imagine the dad not helping you more.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Keep in touch and let us know what decisions you make.

I


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## Nella (Apr 12, 2011)

Thanks ladies, you have no idea how much I appreciate reading your thoughts. I haven't vocally said anything to anyone besides my mother and a very good friend. My parents think I need to let it go and move on. I totally agree, I guess I'm just afraid. I've never been afraid of a man in my life,but I am now and it's because I have a beautiful son. He would do something out of spite to me. I have seen just how mean he really is and I wouldn't even put it past him to make false accusations or possibly even trying to kidnap our son. 

I know he wants custody of his son...he just can't do ANYTHING for him. He will take our son to his mom's and his mom is going to do everything. Sometimes it's hard to get someone to witness anything because whenever people are around he acts like the best dad, the best boyfriend, etc. and then they leave and I am stuck with Dr. Jeckyl. He, by no means, has ever physically hurt me or my son but he uses words and actions to do that.

I am going to look into legal information. I reside in California and a friend of mine (who is going to school to be a lawyer) has sat in on numerous child custody battles and that was the information she gave me. She said that dads now have more control over the decision and most judges she has seen always voted for the parent that made more money even when someone was a drug addict or a bad parent, the other parent never had proof of it.


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## Dragonfly (Apr 12, 2011)

If, in fact, it is true about California courts looking at the parent's income, rather than the gender, then you might want to find a job or find a better one than the one you have. Also, consider going to college on a part time basis (if you haven't already. The judge may look at the fact that you have a low income now but will have the potential to have a better one in the future.

Have you taken any parenting courses? This might demonstrate that you are prepared to raise a child alone.

Be aware that the courts hear slanderous comments from both parents regarding the other.

The father attacks the character of the mom - slut, drinks, drugs, has had affairs, etc.

The mother says that man is mean, abusive, and don't forget the fact that he's a pervert - how many women have said he molests the kids?

These comments fall on deaf ears unless it can be proven by evidence, prior to making a decision as to who is the primary care giver.

To be honest, I feel that men have had the shaft for years so it is good that the courts listen to both sides and not just assume that the mom is best.

If you moved out with the baby, would you go to your mom's? Not a bad idea as the courts recognize that the baby will get even more attention from a grandparent on a daily basis.

Let the father know that you know he loves his son and that you will allow him to have liberal access. But let him know that you want his family to be included in the access. This way, the child will get lots of love and attention from his paternal grandparents and extended family.

Advice - You need to start preparing now for the time that you do move out.

Be as calm, reasonable and communicative as possible to the father.

Demonstrate to him that you want him to be a part of his son's life and that you are not interested in alienating him from his son.

And if the courts do give you primary custody - never play games and deny him access. If he is as volatile as you say, he would definately retaliate.

Believe me, it is children that suffer from these games - not the parents.

.........................................................

Side note:

I remember a couple that had the same problems - he wanted nothing to do with the child.

It turns out that he was screwing around and couldn't cope with the fact that he had to grow up and be responsible.

So he would act out, be emotionally mean to the mom and ignore the child.

After they split up and he saw his child on weekends, he relaxed and became more responsible - and started bonding with the child.

Last I heard, they had adjusted to being apart and the child was doing great.


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## Nella (Apr 13, 2011)

I want to thank you for your straight forward reply. I really appreciate it! In regards to taking classes I've kinda had my full dose. I have been teaching children for years and have taken many classes on teaching kids and child development. I could fill a whole court room with teachers, mothers, and friends with whom I have taught, taken care of, or have witnessed me with children and they wouldn't have less than "great" to say about me. I know this for sure, so I am not too worried about my background with children. I didn't even think about that until you mentioned taking classes!

We actually LIVE with my parents. So, I do have my parents as witnesses to the nonexistent father. They have also had to take care of my son when I left a few times to do something and dad was unable to set up to the plate. A few times my mother has stepped in and taken my son out of dad's hands due to him not treating him  right. 

I'm actually teaching part time right now, but it's getting really hard because my son has a heart condition and we have Dr appointments all the time. My mother has told me I shouldn't worry about working right now and focus on taking care of, and being with, my son. My parents fully support me in this journey and are very upset that the dad doesn't seem to care about anything.

I really do want my son to know his father and spend time with him, but I want it to be supervised by me. From what I have seen dad do I honestly feel like it will turn into abuse. I have seen him shake him and toss him when he was only 3months old. I didn't want to see any more of that so I stopped it all.

I have tried so hard to make this better. I have offered to go to counseling together at least 3 or 4 times. He has declined every time. I have tried being very calm and showing him how to take care of our son, not controlling...just giving advice, but he does not want me to tell him what to do. His parents were very old school in raising him and I can see that he is doing the same thing in raising our son. 

I know if we get joint custody that the father will take my son to his parents and let his mom take over the care giving because he doesn't know how to do it. That is not father/son bonding in my opinion. I want my son to know his extended family, but I don't want them to raise him part time. They have their own ideas on what is right and wrong. They also only speak Spanish and believe that it should be my son's first language. Kinda hard...because I don't speak Spanish.

I agree with you, I can't go to court and only say "he is mean to my child" I need more than that. Right now, all I have are my parents as witnesses to his neglecting of responsibilities and neglecting to his child, my experiences where he was verbally abusive to our son, and the fact I have had years working with children and also have many references.



> Originally Posted by *Dragonfly* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> If, in fact, it is true about California courts looking at the parent's income, rather than the gender, then you might want to find a job or find a better one than the one you have. Also, consider going to college on a part time basis (if you haven't already. The judge may look at the fact that you have a low income now but will have the potential to have a better one in the future.
> 
> ...


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## Dragonfly (Apr 13, 2011)

From my court experiences:

You will need as many people as you can to discuss his parenting abilities and how he can potentially harm your child. A judge will take these words into consideration when they make any decisions.

However, the judge will also be curious as to why you have allowed the father to continue to live with you and the child, if he has been a threat to the child.

The judge will examine your judgement in letting him remain with you. And that you haven't been more protective of the child.

.....................................................

Do not consider joint parenting.

The judge will question you credibility/judgement if you want the father to have equal access to the child.

Consider being the primary care giver, and he only has supervised visitation.

Also, he must take a court approved parenting course.

I know that you would like the father to have visits with the child, in your supervision. Unfortunately, I doubt that any court will agree to this.

Again, the judge will want to know why you want the father in your home if you say he can be dangerous.

In my community, there is a children' s social agency that offers a supervised visitation program.

They also offer supervised exchanges if the parents can't behave themselves during exchanges.

Both services can be court appointed or be voluntary.

There was also a unique program offered by a couple. If a parent had to be supervised, they would allow the parent to come to their house or go to an outing - movie, picnic, beach. The whole point was for the parent and child to spend time together doing something fun, yet have supervision.

This program could be court ordered or be voluntary - and it was a huge success.

Contact all the agencies in your community - children's aid, cps, child care agencies, courts. Maybe someone knows of a supervised program that you can mention to a judge if/when you go to court.

I totally agree that you have a decent education and great work history. And because your work involves children, you are more than qualified to look after the child. As well, you take your son to all his appointments. All this will look very favourably to a judge.

So I wouldn't worry about finances, especially since you are also living with your folks.

I can't believe that any judge would remove the child from you.

Eluding to my first sentences - have the father evicted as soon as possible.

This will demonstrate to any judge that you are putting your son's needs first and that you are a responsible parent by protecting your son.

Hope this helps


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## DreamWarrior (Apr 13, 2011)

Wow. NJ Law is soo different.

I went through this with my son's father.  We were never married when we separated and we both wanted custody, so the judge automatically ruled joint custody.  That doesn't mean that child lives with dad, all it means is that both parents have equal say for the child's education, health, religion, etc. etc. etc.  The custodial parent is the parent that child cares for on a full time basis, and the other parent has visitation rights.  Right now, I have full custody of my son and his father is required to pick him up every other weekend at a set time and date and return him two days later.  Now, required doesn't mean mandatory and I've had plenty of fights were we stayed up waiting for dad and dad never showed up.  When I complain to the judge about that, they said it wasn't illegal for him NOT to pick up his son and that dad didn't HAVE to, he's just required to, and technically - it doesn't really mean anything.

As far as child support goes, the state mandates a certain percentage regardless of pay.  I don't remember what it is, but its NOT an even split and any sleep over nights count towards credit for dad.

Something to consider, make child support mandatory pay withdrawal.  I didn't do this at first and I ended up kicking myself in the butt.  He paid me cash directly and when he started skipping, I had no proof that he wasn't paying.  I took him back to court, and he said that he paid!!!  Sooo, I made it paycheck withdrawal and the court handles all the payments and what not.  I get the payment direct deposited into an account. Also, there's a thing where child support payments automatically increase after three years - so if he was paying me cash, I would never know about the increase and could never enforce it... with the court handling it - its all automatic.

So, that's NJ law.  Unless dad was being abusing and a direct threat to his child there is nothing I could do to stop him from being an active participant in my child's life.  At one time, I had a restraining order on him and he was still able to see his son, we just met at the mall (recommended by the court) as it was a public place and security was available to help transport the child.  Ive since removed the restraining order and now visitations go a lot differently.  My son is now 14.  13 years of bad parenting and no shows and my son knows his father and still visits him, just on his own terms now.  My son has grown up still loving his dad and respects him... but only so much.  Believe me when I tell you that children learn and know things and they remember.  They remember a lot.


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## Nella (Apr 14, 2011)

@ Dragonfly - Thank you again for you advice. It really does help to get my thoughts organized. I don't feel as if I've put my child in any danger by keeping the dad around. It's only been 7 months since my son was born and in that time I have done everything. The few times dad did anything that were wrong I removed the child and told dad that he could not care for him. Dad just keeps away, but the reason why he's still here is because of false promises. He has continuously said he will be better and just needs time. I gave him time and now that this has been a cycle I am ready to end it. 

@ DreamWarrior - Thank you for your advice and thoughts on the subject. I will jot down your advice in regards to payment. Whenever I have ever mentioned him leaving he always says "how will you pay for things?" So he seems to think if he leaves he will not help me with anything. I am hoping that in years time my son will make the right choices for himself. That is what's most important to me. Right now, he cannot make choices and I must do it. The entire court process scares me because I don't want that possibility of dad taking my son for a night or even a day. I don't feel that would be the right situation for my son. Maybe when he is older and my son declares he really wants to. 

I spoke with a lawyer and they said that it is still easier for a woman to receive full custody of the child, so that puts me a little at ease. I am hoping that when I tell this to the dad he just gives up the custody fully to me. I know he has not had a good reputation with the law and I doubt he wants to go to court. I just want to have things ready in the event he decides he wants to fight for the custody. I couldn't understand if he did though because there is no possible way he is capable of taking care of him.

Anyway, right now I am going to begin the process of evicting the dad and I guess all will fall into place (whether I like the place or not) there after. My poor infant, I want to do this before he gets older and is subjected to any negative parenting. 

I appreciate everyone's feedback ten fold. It feels good to be able to talk about this in a comfortable environment.


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## Dragonfly (Apr 14, 2011)

Dream Warrior - I live in a small town in Ontario, Canada. How you described the Family court system is the very same here.

I also raised my son in a joint custody arrangement - but the father and I were not court ordered to. We came to our agreement on our own.

At one point we did exchanges at a police station. But after 6 months or so, we started communicating and exchanges occured at our homes once again.

Nella, I can't stress enough that you need real evidence to back up your claims that he is aggressive to the child, and that you have tolerated his behaviour.Any judge with a lick of sense will consider you to be manipulative, lying, BSing (without proof) and your real motive is to keep the child from him out of spite. Your credibility would be shattered.

Remember what I said - judges hear on a daily basis that the mom is a drunk, slut, had affairs etc (accusations from the father) and that the father is mean, abusive bully (accusations from the mother). Your accusations will fall on deaf ears unless you have legitamate proof.

The very next time he demonstrates any act of aggression toward your son, you must pick up the phone and call the police.

The police will come to your home and access the  situation. If they feel he is a threat or has harmed your child, they will remove him from the home.

And a temporary restraining order is in place.

If they don't remove him, at least there will be police report filed, which you can still use.

You could also call CPS but that might open up a can of worms - but at least another agency has been made aware of his behaviour and that evidence can be used in your favour.

Or take the child to the hospital and tell them what the father has done - again another legit document.

This is similar to a woman claiming battered woman's syndrome - yet she has never seen a doctor, police or women's shelter. Comes down to he said she said.

One other thing, speak with all receptionists of medical offices - that you took your son to. Have them write a letter stating on such a such a date, you were the one that brought your son for an appointment. And do this for every appointment he has, from now on.

This way, there is no question that you are more involved with the child.

If I think of anything else, I'll post it.


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## Dragonfly (Apr 14, 2011)

Nella, I wanted to mention a few things about supervised visitatation

When you go to court and ask for the father to be supervised while visiting the child, the judge can order this or the father can go along voluntarily. In either case, it will be entered into a motion (document that has signed by a judge)

The judge will set a specific time (or the father will ask for a specific time) for the supervised visit to last.

After that time has elapsed, the judge will review how he interacted with the child.

*You want the supervision to occur in a child agency or a court appointed home.*

If the courts state that he is to visit with the child every Thur from 5:30 to 7 pm for 4 months, the judge will want to know if he showed up for every visit. Was he on time. Did he stay for the full 90 minutes. Was he respectful to the staff. Did he show up smelling of alcohol or weed. How did he interact with the child. Did the child appear happy that he saw his father, etc, etc. Does the facility think he is ready for more access with the child.

The facilities should have video and audio recording his interaction with the child. And of course a staff member will immediately stop the visit if he is in fact hurting the child.

The judge will want to see all the documentation plus view/hear the recordings in some cases.

All of this information that the judge reviews will come from objective, trained individuals that deal with supervised visits on a daily basis.

If after 4 months, the judge finds that he has complied with the supervised visitation and that the staff have only good things to say, he may get supervised access but outside a facility. The judge may allow him to be with an adult that the courts approve of - could be grandparent as an example.

And again, the supervised visits will be reviewed after a predetermined time, by the judge.

If after 4 months, the judge feels that he has not been in compliance but the father still wants access, the judge may extend the supervision for a year. The everything gets repeated to determine future access to the child.

The judge would never allow you to supervise because you are not objective and may not be truthful about his arrival, interaction, etc. You can not provide independent audio/video as well.

You have to remember one thing through your ordeal with the court system:

*it is always what is in the best interest of the child*

You will hear this phrase over and over again.

So I hope this makes sense. Once again, ask the courts, police department, cps, etc where there is a supervised facility in your community.

Once you locate a facility, let them know about your situation and find out what openings they have for the father to visit the child.

Also, it will be your responsibility to take the child to the facility on time, and to take the child home after visits. 

They will not allow you to be in their facility either, while the visit is occuring.

Words to the wise: the facility will also let the courts know if you have complied with the court order, and the rules of the facility.


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## Darla (Apr 14, 2011)

I don't get something here.   If the father doesn't seem to want to have anything with the child &amp; that is the impression i have gotten from what you have said,   then why would the father attempt to get custody?    The only thing i can think of is he is being spiteful towards you.

You don't really say in everything you've written, but how is he towards you?  Has he ever been physical or anything?    Things must not be good if you are talking about him moving out.  Does he resent this?  

How was he before you had the baby?   Did he seem to like the idea of having a child or being a father?  Did he resent becoming a father and did that cause a downturn in your relationship?


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## Darla (Apr 14, 2011)

BTW Dragonfly  (Carolyn)  has given you a lot of sound legal advice.  If it comes down to that you will need to have everything documented for the courts.


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## Nella (Apr 15, 2011)

@ Dragonfly - Thank you. There is so much info in your posts. I really need to reread them all. I must admit though...the more I read the more I am nervous. I've never been through anything like this. All I can say is that I am only doing this for the best interest of my child. I have no reasons to do anything against the dad. I would love to peacefully part. If dad was trustworthy with my son I would never even consider doing these things. I know you have mentioned twice about me feeling that dad is not good but still allowing him to stay here. I have never allowed him to be harmful to my son. The very few times I have seen this I have stopped it and told him to leave. He would come back and apologize and say he needs to work on things...so yes, I agreed thinking that having his real dad in the picture would be the best solution if dad could work on his "problems." It has only been 7 months since my son was born and it has been a waiting game. During this "wait" I have done all the care for my child. My friends and family are witnesses to this. I have let the dad try to work out his issues and in the meantime I have taken full responsibility for every aspect of my child's care. Now that still, after 7 months, nothing has changed I want to get out before it gets worse...
 

It seems like a contradiction. If I tell dad to beat it and try to take care of my child with the reasons being the dad is irresponsible and verbally abusive then I am presumed "typical" and I need video or audio or witnesses to SEE my son's father abuse my child. If I put my son in that type of situation (just to get proof) then I am at fault by putting my son in jeopardy of the abuse. Where is my slack? I am wrong either way...while dad does whatever he wants and gives nothing to his child and then gets custody. That's how it sounds to me.

@ Darla - Before our son was born we had a great relationship. I could easily say he was the one for me. I adored this man and felt the same love back. It wasn't until I was pregnant that I started noticing the inability for him to mature. We had discussed everything from A-Z and we were on the same page. Then I adjusted and he didn't. He couldn't become a "dad" and had a hard time being a family. He didn't want to do family things...he wanted to go to a bar and have some drinks...all the time. He wanted to be a 21 year old when he is 30 years old. This is the opposite of what he told me he wanted. Everything he has done is everything he said he would never do. Since the birth I feel like I've been in shock. I never expected him to be so cruel. He has never physically harmed me, but he is verbally very negative towards me. Honestly, I have begun ignoring it and really focusing on his (if any) interaction with our son. That is my top priority. 

It's really difficult for me to express this to a court as I know a lot of women come in saying what I'm saying, but I truly wish he was a better dad. Even though we cannot work as a couple I had hoped we could team up as great parents. I would accept joint custody in a heart beat without court if dad was around more and a positive person. 

The reality of all this is killing me as I can clearly see I don't have evidence and I will NOT put my child in danger to get this evidence. I am wishing in one hand, spitting in the other, and I know which one is filling up more...


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## Dragonfly (Apr 15, 2011)

Nella,

I haven't asked this, but is he questioning whether he is the father or not? Perhaps that is why he treats your child so indifferently?

Also, have you ever forced the issue - an ultimatum?

Tell him to leave and not come back until *he has enrolled in a parenting class and has set up councelling for the two of you.*

This is called Tough Love. Parents have to do this when their children try to dictate everything and don't listen to anything the parents say.

He needs to understand that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

If you continue to tolerate his behaviour, he won't change.

Going to court is very scary and it to be taken very seriously.

Courts absolutely hate it when couples use the court system as a way of getting back at each other - but they still stay together.

Make sure you have tried everything before going to court including:

Kicking him out until he seeks help to be a better parent, and to be a better parent.

And not letting him live with you again until you see real progress.

If he loves you, he will realize that he must change or else he will lose you, and his access with his child will be restricted child


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## Nella (Apr 15, 2011)

Dragonfly - He knows he's the father. We were inseparable before I got pregnant. I completely agree with you and I want to do everything possible before any mention of court. I'm going to do this next week as my parents are out of town right now and I don't want him doing anything without someone around to witness if he does get out of control.

I need to do this soon because my son has just been scheduled for open heart surgery in May and I cannot handle any negative actions around myself or my son during this stressful time. I need the most positive energy around us right now!


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## Dragonfly (Apr 15, 2011)

I hope for the best for you and your son.

Please keep us posted if anything changes.

Carolyn


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## 13Bluestar97 (Jul 29, 2011)

I am so sorry for your situation.

I think he is acting this way because your son has a heart condition. Some people are just extremely upset even at the thought of having a child with special needs. There is nothing wrong with the child, it's the father's reaction. He is really acting arrogant and selfish, and he is turned off by the child, if you mentioned that you two were inseparable. I would suggest either going to counselling or somehow challenging the father's actions to the baby. Court should be saved as a trump card for last.


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## Nella (Dec 26, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I have not been around due to a lot of life events. I wanted to just update anyone who gave me advice (thank you ten fold as well!!) and come back around again. My son's open heart surgery went great. He was in surgery for 9 hours and in the PICU for a week. Since then he is active, healthy, happy, and just a 5 inch scar to show for it. Unfortunately three days after we returned home my father passed away. He had been battling esophagus cancer since December 2010 and lost the fight on June 26th 2011.

As for my son's father...I kicked him out of the house on May 25th (little more than a month after all the great advice I received here) due to the last straw where he left for a weekend and came back without the car because he blew up the engine and spent a night in jail for a DUI. I didn't even let him come home. That was it for me. For a short while we tried to work out visiting schedules and he could barely come over. He would let me know last minute then not show. I was unable to resolve anything with him and he proved to be very malicious saying he could take his son or that our son will resent me..etc... I contacted an attorney and we began filing a court case.

To make a long story short - We went to court for child custody and he did not show up. I received full physical and sole legal custody of my son, monthly child support, back-pay in child support due, and a mandatory visitation schedule that I chose. The visitation schedule is three times a week and he shows up once a month or two months. He hasn't paid anything and won't and didn't come around for Christmas. He is fading out and to be honest I don't even care anymore. The visits are not bonding him and child and my son seems happier when he isn't here.

That is that! Thank you ALL for the wonderful advice you've given and the support, even if a simple response, was sent over. I appreciate it because 7 months ago I was in a bad place and I had lost my confidence by being around a manipulative man. I am free of that now and so is my son.


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## divadoll (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm so glad to hear that things have changed for the better for you and your son.  That 'man' did not deserve you nor your son.  Its a good thing that your son will not be influenced by that horrible being.  My friend had a similar situation, same court outcome, same lack of child support but that upside is that your son will not have to know what kind of ugly beast his father is.  I'm so proud of the steps you'd taken to protect your son.


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## Nella (Dec 27, 2011)

Thank you for the kind words, divadoll. I am pretty happy myself. It's a little strange, but I feel like this small forum conversation really helped me through this.

You are all so helpful and sweet.


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