# Don't want to ever get married...



## SwtValina (Jul 27, 2006)

I'm 23 years old and I have already decided that I plan on never getting married. Many of my female friends dream about their wedding day, I've had no such urge, ever. When people ask me why, I say "I just don't want to be miserable". One of my cousin's is 35, never married, has her own bussiness and seems 100x more happier than her married sister. All I hear from married couples is all the pain and suffering they go through. How the women go out and work full time jobs and then come home and still have to do ALL the housework, cook, clean and take care of the kids while the husbands relax on the couch, WTF?? NO way would I ever accept this. I want it 50/50. In 3 years I will be a doctor and ill be working long shifts (like 36 hours at a time). Why should I come home and still have to do ALL the work?




My mom says that women have to make sacrifices for marriage. That's fine and dandy, but what about the guy? Does he really have to make the same sacrifices as a woman? I don't think so. Mom says the type of man that I want as a husband doesnt exist. That no man is willing to uphold the 50/50 deal of sharing ALL the home responsibilities. SO for that reason, I plan to stay single and focus on my career. Oh, and my mom tried the whole, what about kids arguement. Well, I don't want any, so problem solved. SO my question to you ladies is...Am I being overly pessimistic? Do your husbands pull their half? What about you full time working ladies, do YOU get to come home and relax for awhile while the man cooks at least once in awhile??


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## eric (Jul 27, 2006)

all i can say is that i cook when i get the chance, especially when i know my roomates have had long days at work and are going to be tired.. i clean the apartment just as much as they do, mostly because i like it clean too... and i do most of the fixing things and taking care of landscaping and that kinda stuff... along with being the main person who walks the dog most of the time... so not saying im perfect, but there are def guys out there who are willing to do their part


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## suzukigrrl (Jul 27, 2006)

I don't want to get married either! I already get benefits from my boyfriend because we're domestic partners. We're committed, but we just don't feel the need to do all the legal stuff. I don't nede the government to approve my relationship, and my religion doesn't require marriage. We have a great relationship, and that's the part that really matters.


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## pinkbundles (Jul 27, 2006)

i don't know about anyone else, but i give mad love and props to my hubby. he's just so helpful with the kids and everything. even though he's tired, he'll take care of the baby for me if i need to do something or just to take time for myself. overall, we share all of household chores and the upbringing of our kids.

i can understand your pessimism, but really, it all depends on who you marry. if you feel like you are babysitting your SO, then it'll probably stay that way even after you are married.


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## bluebird26 (Jul 27, 2006)

I agree with you. I don't have kids but still we have chores to do and we love and respect each other so much. It's crazy I can't imagine my life without him now. *sighs*

Being single has many benefits but we are human beings and we need partners whether you live together or marry...the right one not a moron.


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## Aquilah (Jul 27, 2006)

I'm sorry to hear that sweetie! A marriage definitely should be 50/50. Every relationship is about give and take. Not every marriage is miserable! Mine is basically wedded bliss! Most people say we're still in the honeymooning stage, but I think it's just the way our personalities are. We try hard to make sure we're both happy. Neither of us can truly be happy when the other isn't. There's a saying I heard before, "It's not the man who gets married, it's the woman. She's the one who has to change her last name, not the groom." I don't personally find this to be true. As every woman varies in her strengths, weaknesses, etc., so does every man. I think a lot of how men sometimes act is due to how they witnessed their fathers, or other significant men in their life. Some men could just care less too! There was a time when I worked two jobs, picked up and dropped off kids at day care, then came home to cook and clean. I griped and complained about it, and John just blankly stared at me. When I finally burned out and couldn't do anything because I felt physically sick, he started paying more attention and lent more of a helping hand. Now, I'd never let him near my kitchen to cook or the laundry though *lol*

Anyway, I wouldn't give up on marriage. You never know when or where you'll meet Mr. Right, and I should hope you wouldn't say if you met him you'd never marry him! Just because your friends are miserable, doesn't mean you'll be. Some people are happier with someone else in life to share their joys, pains, angers, etc. Other aren't. You can only make your relationship what YOU want it to be! If they're willing to put up with their man not doing anything, then that's on them! No one said you have to take it, or that you'd even find such a man!

I have no idea as to whether or not I just made ANY sense! I hope I did though to some extent! Just don't give up on marriage! Finish pursuing your medical degree, and take time to yourself. You're still young! Focus on your career, make a name for yourself, enjoy life! But don't deny yourself love if it crosses your path! You never know what lies ahead of you!


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## mehrunissa (Jul 27, 2006)

I used to feel that way too, but now I've become a bit more flexible about it. I'd marry if the right guy came along, but I absolutely don't think I need to be married or even in a relationship in order to be happy or feel fulfilled in my life. And when it comes to relationships, I'm not a 'half-a**ing it" kind of girl. I don't waste time with guys who aren't ready to commit, or just around for the here-and-now with no future for us in mind. In the end, I just have to believe that there are men out there who are decent, good, and considerate, only because it wouldn't be mathematically probable that they are ALL a**holes. If there are good women out there, there must be good men.


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## Gwendela (Jul 27, 2006)

That type of man does exist! Not that I married him mind you but my Dad is very much that type of man.

You can have the marriage that you desire it just takes the right spouse and communications. I do agree with focusing on finishing up your schooling and getting established in your practice.


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## Blue_eyed Babe (Jul 27, 2006)

Every relationship is different. Each man and each woman are unique individuals, and, as a result, their relationship will also be unique.

You have your goals, becoming a doctor. But don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. You are still young. Take care of today, and your goal. If you make-up your mind this early in your life you may be cheating yourself out of a loving relationship that may be what you want and need!


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## Innerkitten (Jul 27, 2006)

I never wanted to get married when I was in my 20s now I'm in my 30s and married with a baby. I have to say i enjoy the family life more than I thought I would. But I think if you don't want to there is nothing wrong with that. You may change your mind later, or maybe you won't. These days anything goes


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## SwtValina (Jul 27, 2006)

You ladies (and men) have made some very valid points. However, I feel my issues lie deeper with society's mindset on male and female roles. Although women's roles have evolved to a point where it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to have a full time job and make a comparable income compared to her male counterpart, she still must come home and perferm her "womanly duties". My problem is that I will not accept a man who does not do his share. If both me and my husband go out and work the same amount of hours, have similar salaries and similar occupations, then why wen we both get home, would it be my "job" to ALWAYS be the home caretaker. And yes, I acknowledge the fact that men and women are better at certain things around the house but I still believe that the MAIN responsibilities should be equally shared, such as cleaning the bathroom, vaccuming, cooking dinner,etc. I feel that, from what I have observed, men who were able to take care of themselves before marriage, then rely on their wives to take care of them and the house once they are married. I am in NO ways some kind of man-hater. I love men and appreciate them. I just want to believe that IF I ever choose to get married, I won't be the one getting stuck doing everything.


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## Aquilah (Jul 27, 2006)

Honey, I suggest when you find that man, you let him know from the beginning what you will and will not accept. Try living together for a while when you get to that point, and see what kind of a housemate he makes. Society has stereotypes and mindsets on a lot of things, but it doesn't mean we have to play into them! As a lot of us have said, your relationship can only be what you make it to be, and what you allow it to be. I've always worked, and at one point, I made more than my husband, and I still did everything around the house. He stepped up to the plate a lot more when I was put on bed rest/house confinement during my last pregnancy and couldn't even so much as walk 5 ft. without being in severe pain! Now, I'm a stay-at-home mother, and while I still do the majority of the housework, he still vaccums and cleans up. Mind you, we're talking about a man who gets an average of 6 hours of sleep per night and then works 14 hour days five days a week! Don't set yourself up for failure in the marriage department for fears of what a man may or may not do! You'll never truly know until it happens. As I mentioned, when you get to that point in life, be sure to let your man know what's acceptable and what isn't! Things will definitely work a lot smoother that way!


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## Summer (Jul 27, 2006)

as far as getting married, it's a personal choice, but not every case ends up the way you described. I am married to a great guy that does A LOT for me and we both work full time. He cooks, cleans and takes me everywhere I want to go. The guy treats me like gold. and he bought me roses the other day











Now, my sister is another case, she married a guy that treats her like crap and she does all the work. It just goes to show that everyone is different and there are a lot of men out there that would do their share of the work. Everyone is different and shouldn't be lumped in one basket.

If you don't want to get married, by all means, don't get married. It's perfectly fine. You have to make yourself happy by your own decisions, not make a decision based on what people tell you what you should do.


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## Andi (Jul 27, 2006)

Originally Posted by *SwtValina* You ladies (and men) have made some very valid points. However, I feel my issues lie deeper with society's mindset on male and female roles. Although women's roles have evolved to a point where it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to have a full time job and make a comparable income compared to her male counterpart, she still must come home and perferm her "womanly duties". My problem is that I will not accept a man who does not do his share. If both me and my husband go out and work the same amount of hours, have similar salaries and similar occupations, then why wen we both get home, would it be my "job" to ALWAYS be the home caretaker. And yes, I acknowledge the fact that men and women are better at certain things around the house but I still believe that the MAIN responsibilities should be equally shared, such as cleaning the bathroom, vaccuming, cooking dinner,etc. I feel that, from what I have observed, men who were able to take care of themselves before marriage, then rely on their wives to take care of them and the house once they are married. I am in NO ways some kind of man-hater. I love men and appreciate them. I just want to believe that IF I ever choose to get married, I won't be the one getting stuck doing everything. completely agreed. Trust me, there are men out there you donÂ´t mind doing part of the "female chores". Like you I would never end up with a macho who lets me do all the housework.In my family the role of the sexes are clear and very traditional. the women do ALL the housework, the men donÂ´t ever even touch the vacuum cleaner, clean dishes etc.

that has been a very shocking thing for me and I always protested against this. ThatÂ´s why I am more than happy with my bf cause he is so NOT like all the men in my family. His mom was a very strong influence on him growing up and she thought him to respect women and help out with housework. so he loves to cook and heÂ´s actually much better at the housework stuff than I am.

donÂ´t think that all men are machoes. You are a smart girl so you can take your pick and find one of the good guys out there!!!


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## Annia (Jul 28, 2006)

My boyfriend is your dream. He gives more than his 50. Not every guy is lazy or believes in society's classic male/female roles.

I promise you, you will find him.. trust me. It may not be tomorrow or the next day but you'll find this guy.


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## girl_geek (Jul 28, 2006)

I do understand what you are saying, and I think with a lot of couples there is the stereotypical men and women's roles, with women doing most of the housework and child raising... However I'll also add that not *all* men are like this, because my hubby has been wonderful!

We got married 2 years ago when I was in grad school working on a Masters in Computer Science. (And we were dating during my first semesters in grad school.) Grad school was super-hard for me, I was *always* studying or working on projects and had almost no free time, not even on weekends. Meanwhile, hubby was working a standard 40 hr/wk job so he actually had evenings and weekends free! And he did almost all the chores -- he cooked dinner and did dishes every single night, and did the majority of the other housework. About the only thing I did was laundry, because I saw how he did his own laundry and I didn't want him to ruin my clothes



But we had a laundry room in our apartment building, so it was easy for me to still study while the laundry was going. I honestly don't know how I would have made it thru grad school without him -- I would have been eating microwave dinners every night and living in a pretty dirty apartment! lol

Now that I've graduated, I still have a harder work schedule than him -- I average almost 50 hrs/wk, with some 60 or 70-hr weeks when the deadlines get tight. And once again, he has a standard 40 hr/wk job, and he has a shorter commute, sometimes I am jealous



However, I do have some free time in the evenings and I normally have weekends off, so I have been doing a little more of the housework to even it out. Since hubby hates cooking and I hate doing dishes, I cook every night and he does dishes every night! (And if I get home late, we just eat the frozen dinners we always have on hand!) I still do laundry and paperwork (paying bills, etc.), while hubby does chores like cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. So it works out well -- we both normally end up with about the same amount of free time to do whatever we want!

Now we don't have kids yet, but I hope things will continue to work out when we do ... I already know that hubby's going to be a softie and never want to discipline them, but he also talks about how he hopes he can keep his 40 hrs/wk job with no travelling so he can spend a lot of time with the kids. I can already foresee him picking up the kids from daycare on the way home since he always gets home before me





So yeah, maybe in general, a lot of guys are like you describe, but not all of them -- and if you ever do want a real relationship, I hope you can find one of those guys too!





PS: Hubby and I were both raised in households with traditional male/female roles, but we still managed to "break the rules" and work out a more fair schedule that works for us!


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## Becka (Jul 28, 2006)

you may change your mind ... or you may not.

just know there are some wonderful guys out there that pull more than their own weight. Unfortunately finding them doesn't always seem so easy though, but it will happen eventually, at just the right time.


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## Elisabeth (Jul 29, 2006)

I absolutely agree with Andi.

I, myself have always needed/wanted what would be termed a "domestic" man and have never settled for less. Don't you, either. And don't worry about marriage, that's a whole sperate kettle of fish, that you can see how you feel about once you become involved. I don't think it is all "pessimistic" simply to Not Want to go down the road that so, so many of our mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc. before us have gone down; but we do live in a different era, thank goodness. I mean, not too long ago,a female doctor would have been considered *ambitious* instead of more equal, as it is today. Rent the movie Mr. Mom. And as much as I love and respect moms, in this case, I think it is for you to decide who does and doesn't exists in the world for you. Hugs and Support!!


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## emily_3383 (Jul 30, 2006)

Im 23 too and I dont want to get married either. Right now its just something that i have no desire for. Sure it might change a couple of years from now but right now marriage is something that is way at the bottom of my to do list. lol


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## VenusGoddess (Jul 30, 2006)

The women who complain that they have lousy husbands only have themselves to blame...they chose him!!

While my hubby has his faults, he is extremely dedicated and goes above and beyond when needed. He'll spend a 14 hour work day and then come home and get our daughter her bath and get her ready for and into bed. Why? Because I'm preggers and hormonal and some days...I'm collapsing into bed as he's walking in the door.

I have friends who have hubbys that do nothing but complain about...but they stay with the guy. If you don't like how someone treats you, then you move on, right? So, there is no excuse for someone complaining that their husbands don't "pull their weight" and that they have to do everything. If life is that bad, then they'll get out and find a life that better suits them.

Don't base your "potential" life upon someone who cannot take responsibility for their choices. Some people are happier working a lot and not being "tied" to anyone, and if that's you, then that's great. But, don't look down on a good thing because the people who are the most vocal about their lives are the ones who don't like where they are. Marriage is not about sacrifice...it's about compromise from both parties. Make sure that before you marry someone (or spend time dating someone) that they are what you are looking for in a partner...then you won't have to complain about how miserable you are and what a rotten lot in life you have.





Life is what you make it to be. Nothing more and nothing less.


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## Guenevere (Jul 30, 2006)

My husband and I have a pretty good thing when it comes to the chores. Sometimes he ends up doing a lot of the work because I have a large order to finish and just can't leave my sewing room. Or I didn't get enough sleep the night before and he lets me sleep in and cleans up before I get out of bed. I do the majority of the cooking because I don't want him in my kitchen (LOL) and he does a lot of the laundry. It goes on and on, it's just a good deal of trades and balance. It all works for us.

Saying you don't want to be married is one thing but it sounds to me like you just don't want to get stuck in a bad relationship with the wrong guy. No one does! That's why we date and date and date! It's all about knowing what you want in a man. If you want a man who will pull his weight then you need to make sure that's who you're dating, if not. you have to decide if you want to deal with the issues he does or doesn't have or move on.

It's okay to not want to be married but don't write it off because you're afraid that the guy you want doesn't exist, they're out there and what ever you decide to do, marriage or not, will be your decision, don't let anyone make you feel wrong for the decisions you want to make!!


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## sm91396 (Jul 30, 2006)

actually, yes. I do come home to a hot meal every day through the week. on the weekends we eat on the fly--- Our sit. is a little different as he is disabled and is home all day while I work. But I can honestly say that when he did work befor ehe got hurt, he still did most of the cooking and helped with the cleaning. I dig being married- it has it's ups and downs, don't get me wrong, but I can't complain. We both get to do what we want to do and we also do a lot together. He is my best friend.


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## SwtValina (Jul 30, 2006)

It sounds like many of you have supportive husbands which is very good to hear. But it is hard to be so positive living in a country where 50% of marriage end in divorce. That's one in every two couples which to me, I find very worrisome. And dating really isn't an option for me unforunately. I come from a very religious family that doesnt believe in dating. They feel that let's say I find a guy that i'm interested in, our parents must meet first before any talks of a wedding can begin. We can only remain friends until we are officially engaged. These cultural/religious reasons hinder my ability to properly find a mate. Of course I have broken the rules in the past, secretly had a boyfriend and then got caught. The results were pretty horrible which led to the ending of a 3 year relationship. So you see, my cynicism is based on a myriad of deeper issues. It's hard to break free from one's family beliefs and cultural norms when they have been long established.


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## Becka (Jul 30, 2006)

i'm sorry i do not have any advice, you are in such a tough situation. i do not understand in a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce, why parents continue to push being so much a part of deciding if u two are suited for each other. from the outside it is easy for me to see that the reason 50% end in divorces in your country is coz of the parents sort of guiding, arranging, permission, or whatever it is. ludicrous that this stuff still goes on, but I think a lot more of it actually does go on in this world than we know about.

i see your worries now though - easy for us in America to live w/ a guy first and see if he fits the bill before marriage. clearly you don't have that option. i feel so sorry for you! do you have any sisters, or cousins who survived dating, that can give you advice?

where is it you live, or where is your family from?


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