# My Husband's a Moron



## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2009)

I've ranted before about how controlling my husband can try to be and his jealousy issues before. I still deal with that but not as much anymore but I think it has to do more with the fact that no cir***stances have for him to "inquire" about than him just finally getting over his security issues. Not a good thing anyways.

Also, we've finally been "almost" relieved of all debt




. I've got one small loan that's no biggie but I can finally see the light guys lol. We made alot of mistakes when were teens and I'm happy to say that we've learned, or at least I have. Here's the problem: My sister in law (we'll name her Nel) loves to buy car after car for no apparent reason. She doesn't pay much around the house, is very stingy with her money and comes and goes when she pleases despite what her parents say. She's never home (so that's her excuse for not paying rent or helping out with other bills) but yet she has her own room which is way bigger than ours (me, husband, son) and will even let her friend spend the night whenever with her baby. We know when she's spending the night it's bc at her house they cut off the water



So she mooches over here. Whatever...

Three years ago, she bought a 2004 Dodge Durango. She made a deal with my dad and he agreed to put the car under his name to help her out so that she could get it. It was a good deal and all but she then decides to add her dad as cosigner to "protect" herself, pfft. Like my dad would backstab her. That dramatically increased the interest rate. Without her dad on there, the total ending price was a little below the actual loan value. With him added, it jumped about eight thousand dollars!! My dad didn't care bc she's always been good about paying off her cars (this was her third car at the time) quick and was never late. Well, one day she decides that she doesn't want it anymore. She tried to pawn it off on my husband and tell him that if he wants it, we can have it. This moron won't let it go and keeps going on and on about how it's worth it even though we could absolutely not even afford the monthly payments much less the insurance and maintenance on it. I talked to my dad and to prevent any issues, he went ahead and took the Durango so that his credit and my father in laws would not be ruined and that way it wasn't me telling my husband no but my dad. My mom fell in love with it too so they handled it.

A couple of months later, she bought a Ford Sportrac the same day we bought our car and also got rid of her first car to her older brother. The car is under her name but she got it from a buy here pay here lot that doesn't run credit checks so you know they charged her maximum interest too. After a year of boredom with that one, she left the truck payments to her father (who willing took it though he couldn't afford it) so that she could get an 02 Acura TL Type S (also under her dads name). It's a nice car and fully loaded but I told her from the get go that it was not worth it at all. I'm a research freak and especially when it comes to finances of those sort. I tried to help her out and told her to look elsewhere. At the time, the car was only worth ten grand at the most and the final price was 18K. What a rip off but not my money so oh well. So for the past year, my in laws hammer us for money that we didn't agree to pay just to help them out bc I know its a sacrifice to have us there, even though the sacrifice is bigger on our behalf.

Now in this past year, my dad had lost his job last April. He had diabetes and got three toes amputated due to gangrene and his health has really took a downturn. His kidney's are leaking, his had sugar problems and is dealing with a dramatic weightgain and depression. Unfortunately, they couldn't keep up with the payments of the Durango which were outrages: almost 700 with insurance and that didn't even include the gas it was guzzlin at the time. I believe every 3 days, they were putting about 80-90 dollars to fill it up! So it finally got repossessed about three months ago so it ruined both my dad's and father in laws credit.

NOW my sister in law is looking at a 1999 Lexus 300 for about 13K plus. She already tried to trade it in and I told her before she tried that she was upside down on the Acura and that it would roll over to the other car. Plus, now the repossession is showing up so they don't want it to begin with. Now she's pushing the Acura on my husband (the moron) and he's talking about how it's a good deal. She owes 15K on it and I looked it up on Kelly Blue Book and it's not worth it at all. I'd be getting it while it was practically half the real value in the negative. So I told him that it wasn't a good idea and he goes on and on about she already paid the interest and that it was "worth it." I told him it's only worth it if it was a good deal, which it's not. Also, the payments are 580, including insurance. That's insanely stupid for a car of that year.

We're finally rid of all these loans that prevented me from even keeping a dime since I got this job 3 years ago and he wants to throw us into another mess. I'm sick and tired of living with his parents. I'm sick and tired of these bills. I swear he's like a kid that sees a shiny new toy. He's never satisfied with what he has. He always wants more and then he "blames" me. Not directly but he holds me accountable for anything if it was my decision even though I gave my plausible reasons. He told me last night "Well I'll just tell Nel that you looked it up and that it wasn't worth it so we're not getting it." It pisses me off that he tries to make me look like the bad guy when I try to save us money and it's my fault that we never get what he wants. He complains bc every week I buy one makeup item and he never buys anything for himself. He wants stuff that cost a couple hundred dollars. I buy something that cost 10-15 max. I do it bc I feel I deserve it and I told I'd have no problem with him spending small amounts a little at a time but he would throw a fit if I bought a huge makeup kit that cost hundreds at one time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and while I love him, it's this stuff that gets to me. It's frustrating to be with someone who is never just satisfied with what they have. I have the determination to strive for better when I can but only if I have the means. He's always looking at what others have. He can't ever just be happy and some how it's bc I "held" him back. He doesn't have to say it for me to know that's what he's thinking. For about a year now, I've wondered what the hell are we doing together. Supposedly I'm everything he wants but is it wrong for me to think I can do better even if I'm alone? I feel guilty for even thinking this bc yes he pays the bills along with me and does try to do whatever he can to make me happy but I feel so out of it. I feel like I've outgrown him and this whole car deal reminded of everything I can't stand about him. I feel horrible for saying this but I just don't know what to do. I love him but I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life.

Edit: Sorry for the super long post but I had to get this out.


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Mar 18, 2009)

okay first off i totaly feel you, i am also extremely carefull with my finances and spending. I think this is more a result of him not having had to truley dig himself out of debt. I know you said he was in debt when he was a teen, but i also got the feeling that you have been doing a lot of the work to dig yourself out of that whole all on your own. I would suggest moving out, i dont know what your rent is but i am sure you can find a small appartment for the same amount.

additionaly you said you spend like 15 bucks a week max on make up, which is fine. i think you should give him the same offer (though not nessecarily for makeup). he has a 15 dollar a week "allowence" also, or some other number you agree on and if he wants something more expensive than that he can save for it. as in if he wants a new car he should save for it instead of taking on huge payments.

i wouldnt take what he said when he was angry to heart to much. money is a really tough issue and i am sure things got heated. and when people get angry they say things they dont mean. (like every time me and my boyfriend have a fight i tell him i am going to break up with him, but he knows i really wont). if he is with you it is proboably because he loves you and wants to be there, he is proboably just a little frustrated that he is not getting instant gratification for what he wants.

there is no real way to make him change his mind about his spending habbits, the best you can do is ask him to be on your side because you are tired of living from month to month.


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## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Orangeeyecrayon* /img/forum/go_quote.gif okay first off i totaly feel you, i am also extremely carefull with my finances and spending. I think this is more a result of him not having had to truley dig himself out of debt. I know you said he was in debt when he was a teen, but i also got the feeling that you have been doing a lot of the work to dig yourself out of that whole all on your own. I would suggest moving out, i dont know what your rent is but i am sure you can find a small appartment for the same amount. 
additionaly you said you spend like 15 bucks a week max on make up, which is fine. i think you should give him the same offer (though not nessecarily for makeup). he has a 15 dollar a week "allowence" also, or some other number you agree on and if he wants something more expensive than that he can save for it. as in if he wants a new car he should save for it instead of taking on huge payments.

i wouldnt take what he said when he was angry to heart to much. money is a really tough issue and i am sure things got heated. and when people get angry they say things they dont mean. (like every time me and my boyfriend have a fight i tell him i am going to break up with him, but he knows i really wont). if he is with you it is proboably because he loves you and wants to be there, he is proboably just a little frustrated that he is not getting instant gratification for what he wants.

there is no real way to make him change his mind about his spending habbits, the best you can do is ask him to be on your side because you are tired of living from month to month.

Thanks for the advice. We've been together since I was 16 (I'm 21) and we both got in debt together but for years I'm the one who forced us to pay our bills. I know people say stuff they don't mean when they're angry but he mention out of nowhere. For example, we'll be at the store and he'll see something he likes, take a quick glance at me, and then say something dumb like "Just forget about it. I already know what you'll say"



Of course he knows what I say when its expensive. The problem with him not being able to change his habits is reflective on how he looks at money. It's worse bc I've been dealing with the same mentality for years and it hasn't matured. I don't want to waste my time like that. I've got stuff I wanna do too. I'm just tired of being mommy to a grown man but I don't know if this is something that can be worked through. Even his parents have the same way of thinking (reason why father in law took the Sportrac.) I know marriage is gonna hits tons of bumps on the road but I can only imagine being 50 years old and still complaining about the same crap I'm dealing with today.


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## reesesilverstar (Mar 18, 2009)

Amen to that sister!

On orangeeyecrayon's post, I don't know if I could have said it better... I agree... It's really hard when one person saves and the other is a spendthrift... You definitely would always have arguments there... Maybe you could ask your church or community center where you could get free credit counselling. I think that's what they're calling it these days, but some of them actually do financial counselling to help couples realize what they actually spend every month compared to what they bring in.

I think it would be worthwhile so you guys could start building up a nest egg, so you could invest with it/help yr kids thru college/ go on vacations etc... That's extremely frustrating, but most couples go thru it at some point...

Good luck luv


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## bella1342 (Mar 18, 2009)

I'm sorry for what you're going through Adrienne. That's kind of ridiculous that your in laws let your SIL get away with paying no bills or even a little rent... it must be nice to not have to worry about all of that. It's sad that your dad's credit got ruined over her car-buying obsession.

As far as the hubby wanting to get the car... I'd say no way. You can use the money you'd be paying on the car and insurance towards rent for your OWN apartment or a small mortgage on a house.


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## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2009)

Thanks guys. I know I'm gonna say no, I'm just tired of always being the reason he never gets what he wants. Then he tries to say, "Don't worry about it, I'll pay for it" Yea, whatever, and what he lacks I end up paying...


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## Karren (Mar 18, 2009)

You sound like my wife!! I'm always the idiot!! Lol. .

He's lucky to have you keeping him from comitting financial suicide!! My wife has always been the budgeter and she approves all major expenditures.. So don't let him do it!! You'll dig a hole so deep you will never get out..

But then again don't tkae my word for it.. I'm one of the Morrons!! Hahaha.


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## SophieIowa (Mar 18, 2009)

Wow, your sister-in-law sounds really dumb. Not trying to be mean, but I really dislike it when people try to live beyond their means in general, and even worse, she is pushing the responsibility onto other people, like in your case.

As far as where to go from where you are at now, I would suggest saving as much money as possible and move out. An occasional piece of makeup is okay, but you said $15 every week? That is $780 dollars a year, and if your husband also spends $15 a week on something that isn't a necessity, that's going to be about $1500 in a year. Maybe you could try cutting the ''once a week'' into a ''once a month'' splurge.


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## ticki (Mar 18, 2009)

Wow! So sorry to hear about your troubles there. Back when I graduated from college, I was really stupid too. I racked up about 20k worth of debt in around 3 years or so. I don't know what changed with me, but I decided to stop living on credit, made some huge sacrifices and paid it all off in a year. Now I'm way better off financially, but I've had to fight the urge. It's something that your hubby will need to learn.

It sounds like you need to stand firm and not let him get you into any more financial black holes. Let you sister in law sink in her own debt. She got herself into that mess and it's sad that she dragged both your father and father in law into it as well. Nicole hit the nail on the head. That money could be better spent on rent or house payments for a place for yourselves. Long term, it'll be the best as it'll get you away from the mooching sister in law and that crazy family situation. It may even help your relationship by getting some privacy.

Big advice is to tell her that she needs to stop trying to buy cars and LEASE them instead. She makes payments, keeps the car for a couple years, and when she's bored with the car she can trade it in for something else without having to worry about payments on the residual value. Leases are by far the best option for people who are constantly in that trade up mentality. Either that, or you need to smack her on the head with a shovel and get her head on right so that she can realize that she can't afford any of this and is dragging the whole family down with her. What an irresponsible little twit! I'd smack her for you if she was out here in CA.


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## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *ticki* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Long term, it'll be the best as it'll get you away from the mooching sister in law and that crazy family situation. It may even help your relationship by getting some privacy. I know our relationship is definitely messy bc of the household situation. I told my husband the same thing and he said "my parents don't mind if we stay a little longer." Wtf, I do...I don't know when my sister in law will learn. Can you believe she'll be 21 May 7th? And she's kept a job for only 2 years of the time she's done all this....that money isn't growing on trees...


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## magneticheart (Mar 18, 2009)

That sucks





It's hard when one person is going one way and the other person is going in the opposite direction. Since you're the one that's being sensible in the relationship you shouldn't have to compromise or be made to feel like the bad guy.

Maybe it would help if you wrote down all your financial in-goings and out-goings and debts ect and show it to him as plain and simple as you can that you're still paying off debt and you can not afford to be throwing money away on things that aren't worth it. Especially if you evantually want to get your own place.

I'm not really great with the financial advice but I really hope that he can see your point of view and you can get things sorted out.

Good luck!


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## HairEgo (Mar 18, 2009)

Wow, shes only 20 and had THAT many cars?? Can we say Princess?

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are Adrienne. I think you need to ask yourself that if you take away the financial worries of the relationship between you and your husband, is everything okay otherwise?

Men mature a lot slower then us women do....thats a fact I will fight to the grave. It seems like your husband is lacking in motivation - why save up and move out on your own when as you said, he told you his parents dont mind if you stay longer. To him thats probably an easy out and thats more then likely the reason that he was into the idea of the Acura (which the price your SIL wants to sell it for..... INSANE!...it's a 2002; it's 2009 now lady!!)


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## Ozee (Mar 18, 2009)

Must be a common ground with most men i think.My husband is similar. (i did say most!)

Im sorry you have to be in the situation your in. Your sil needs a reality check along with your inlaws and husband (no disrespect intended). Do you think your husband has the capabilty to catch up with you or do you think he has reached his limit? It would be an awful thing if your quality of life was held down because of others around you.

(i have more to say but i just can't word it properly right now sorry!)


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## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Ozee* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Do you think your husband has the capabilty to catch up with you or do you think he has reached his limit? It would be an awful thing if your quality of life was held down because of others around you. That's what I'm worried about. I've spent years wondering why we're together but I do love him. We got together so young and I'm realizing we don't have too much in common in ways of thinking. BUT, I will wait til we move out to decide how it goes. We've never really been financially stable so it's always been a huge stress factor in our relationship. Then, under the privacy of our home without outside influences, I can see if it's something I want to keep working at or not. 
I'm smart enough to know that marriage is not perfect, there will be problems, and we're gonna have to compromise. I just don't think I should have to compromise so much for his materialistic views about what he thinks he deserves. While I understand that couples may not always see eye to eye on the importance of what one views as "worth it," I want to feel that at least we're at the same page as far what is reasonable and here in my marriage, it feels like none of his choices have any real reason. Half the time I bite my tongue and just don't say anything. He says he sees my pov but after I told him it'd be best that we just don't do it, he gets mad. Personally, I see it as a financial death trap that will stress me and our relationship to the point that I know I'll leave.


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## MakeupByMe (Mar 19, 2009)

Girl I have told You before &amp; I will say it again lol I SO know what you are going through!!!!!!!!





I Am fed up with him , my job , My living situation (yes we live with parents too) basically my life lol

I feel the same things you do &amp; yes we have two kids &amp; he has done alot &amp; he tries This &amp; that..........But ya know what After 5 years &amp; 2 kids you'd think he'd Man Up &amp; stop with the whole "trying B.S" Ive gone through the Him cheating, Him Jobless, Him Annoying the S*** out of me LOL (ya I know thats common )

His Disrespect etc. etc &amp; I Honestly Hosetly Finally I Said to Myself about 4 days ago "What the F*** are you doing?" "You are capable of so much more" "you are capable of choosing so much more &amp; achieving so much more" &amp; "If hes not gona give it to you, if your job is not gona give it to you, Than ya know what F*** em &amp; Give everything that you deserve to your Damn Self" Yes I said all this to Myself LOL &amp; I just gave my 1 week notice yesterday , Im Gona start a Class That Ive been wanting to do forever &amp; Im gona focus On my Makeup carreer more than ever B4 &amp; If he does not like it He can go wherever he wants I have givin him so many chances despite all the lies &amp; cheating &amp; just straight being an A&amp;$ H0le

But Life is too short to be going by day to day thinking this &amp; that Now Im Going through my Days DOING this Or that!!!



You Know what to do Even if its hard But Do whats right for you &amp; your baby &amp; my goodness Girl Go get a massage or a spa visit or some you time in the mean time of all this Stressfulness!!!!


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## candygalore (Mar 19, 2009)

i have to say i was in similar situation with the difference that my mother in-law was the one giving my husband loans of money so he can go and feed his car fetish it mades me so mand to this day becasue i was the one hearing about it after my mther-in-law gave him the money and he already had spend it she complaint to me until one day i grab my bags move back to my moms house got my self a part-time job not for to long because then we work things out told him i couln't live with his crazy mother but now i love her to death and we got a apartment, so i know exaclty how you feel to have a crazy-in-law im sorry you are goin thrue this and him making you look like the bad guy is tipical my husband did it to me when ever i told him that he need it to stop taking money from his mother and you know what, i told her one day to stop giving him money stop he is not a child anymore he is 23 yrs old and he still lives with you ,i made her cry for like 2 days but then you know i was the bad guy yeah. but now that she got fired from her job an has no debt she is thankfull that i open her eyes she say it herself so maybe you need to be the bad guy and tell her to stop pushing her sorry mistakes to someone else im sorry but it mades me mad to know that your dad is sick with debt and she is not the one who is feeling the pressure you are and everyone else that she chop and screw urrrrrrrrrrrrr it mades me mad that some people can do things like that.


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## mebs786 (Mar 27, 2009)

I would be feeling the same if I was you. I think you should try and talk to your husband about how you are feeling and let him know you don't want to continue like this.


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## Fataliya (Mar 28, 2009)

Ok, maybe this is just the witch in me, but here's what I'd say:

"NO, we are NOT getting that car!! Bad decisions like THAT are what got us into this mess in the first place. I'm not going to have our hard work ruined by a stupid POS car."

If he complains about it being "your fault" Just freaking tell him: "Anytime you wanna run off and be in debt and be alone, there's the door. Otherwise, stop complaining and suck it up. If it were left up to you, we'd still be in debt!!!"

Seriously. How long are you supposed to listen to the whining?? It's obvious he's got the shiny new toy syndrome, so point that crap out to him.


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## missmignonne (Mar 28, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Fataliya* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ok, maybe this is just the witch in me, but here's what I'd say:
"NO, we are NOT getting that car!! Bad decisions like THAT are what got us into this mess in the first place. I'm not going to have our hard work ruined by a stupid POS car."

If he complains about it being "your fault" Just freaking tell him: "Anytime you wanna run off and be in debt and be alone, there's the door. Otherwise, stop complaining and suck it up. If it were left up to you, we'd still be in debt!!!"

Seriously. How long are you supposed to listen to the whining?? It's obvious he's got the shiny new toy syndrome, so point that crap out to him.

Amen, sister!

Adrienne, this is what wives are supposed to do...

Your husband may be upset about not getting his toys now but even though he is whining about it now down the line he may even surprise you and actually thank you for saving him for making silly purchases.

My husband is the same way and though we never lived with his family, we did have roommates for a while and to be able to get to a point where we have our own place, we had to sacrifice, much to his dismay._ Now_, he realizes I wasn't just trying to be mean and deny him everything he wanted but help him to a better financial situation where we can actually afford a treat or two(even if they are a couple hundred bucks... ugh.) He still gets upset when I say we can't afford some of the things he wants (PS3) but he gets over it easier now.


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## butterflyblue (Apr 14, 2009)

It sounds like your outgrowing him. Being with someone that since your were that young tends to lead to that eventually, he is staying immature and you want the "adult" things in life. You need to give him a timeline, and if he doesn't start changing then maybe you need to be the one to move on.

If you don't take charge then it is always going to be the same, he isn't capable of any better. I was in a similar situation as yours, I was scared to death to leave but finally I said enough is enough I can't live like this anymore. I left. I filed for a divorce.

It was the hardest and the best thing I ever did for myself, because I am now re-married to the most amazing man ever, and life is truly good to me.


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## pinksugar (Apr 14, 2009)

Adrienne, what's ended up happening? did he buy the damn stupid car?

Hope things are looking up!


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## Adrienne (Apr 15, 2009)

Hell NO!! Lol, we got into a huge arguement and he was pissed for a couple of days and even more mad that I didn't care about him being mad but he got over it. His sister did not end up getting another car (bc the damn thing was not worth a trade in) and I got to say "I told you so" hehe. I let him know even she knows it's a bad deal and she just wanted to lay it on us. He can't really respond with anything so he stayed quiet. I think he's learning a little lol.


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