# Freaked out, help



## cityangel (Jan 20, 2006)

I don't know what to do! I was in a abusive relationship which I ended mid autumn. My exboyfriend was really abusive, broke one of my fingers and now I may have nerve compression in my arm/hand due to the continuous abuse. Luckily I have an excellent specialist/surgeon who has been supportive for the past several months. I am waiting to have some tests done to find out what is going on, possibility I may need surgery. My ex finally left me alone after I broke up with him, although at first he promised not to hurt me again etc, but I didn't fall for it. After a few months I started feeling somewhat better, safer. It took a turn for the worse in December. He came after me twice and I had to call the police. Both times he hurt my arm, the one where the problem is. Another finger was broken during the assault, ribs were injured. I have a restraining order. The doctor who treated me at the hospital was rude, not friendly. As of last week I saw the specialist because I trust him. He got quite upset and said to me "Maybe I need to get involved or do something about this, what is your exbf's name?" I told him, not thinking at the time. I go back to him next week for followup. So when I came home, I thought oh my, is he going to call the cops? Or did he just want his name, because he felt so angry and was thinking he would like to have some 'words' with my ex, even though I know he wouldn't phone him (name, number unlisted). You know sometimes when you are so mad at someone, you feel like having some words or whatever with them, but you would actually never do it?

Anyways regarding domestic abuse laws in my Province (Canada), I hear different things. One hospital told me that no, they are not required by law to report domestic abuse of a adult. I phoned a legal line (not because I am ticked at my doctor, just wanted to know what the laws are). Lawyer said if a doctor feels that you are in danger he can go to the cops, but only if for example you go to the doctors office today and say your husband/bf hit you, threatened you, these are the injuries. If he felt you were in danger, could go ahead, but if you came in today and said my husband/bf hit me three days ago, he couldn't report it, past abuse. Then a women's shelter said that if the doctor wants to release your medical information or anything else they have to get your written consent, due to doctor-patient confidentiality.

I appreciate my doctors care and concern, but I don't want someone going over my head so to speak without my knowledge. It is possible that he was really angry at what has been done to me at the time. This doctor is retiring in the Spring, so I hope he can fix me before he retires. I have to say that if it wasn't for his medical knowledge and emotional support, I don't know what I would have done.


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## jennycateyez (Jan 20, 2006)

ok 1st of all i think restraining order's are b.s cause even if he does go after you and you have a restraining order and he gets caught he gets like 1 day in jail which again is b.s , but your doctor sounds like a caring doctor, when are you having the surgery done, is it be4 he retires?


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## Liz (Jan 20, 2006)

i don't know all the legal stuff, but i suggest you report it to the police and do something about it other than a restraining order. it's just a piece of paper. it doesn't help when your ex is there again and ready to hurt you. what are you going to do, hold up the paper to stop him?

from what it sounds like, yopu kind of need your doctors help since he has the info for the police that you really are being abused and in danger. and that you need to talk to the police when it happens.

i'm sorry you're going through this. nobody deserves this, and nobody should be able to get away with doing it.


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## dixiewolf (Jan 20, 2006)

I work in the legal field, and most people do just get the restraining orders, but then they can come back and hurt you, although they do go back to jail. If you call the cops here claiming domestic violence, you go to jail, but it is for a night. My best friend got a restraining order on her ex, he broke into her house, and went through everything she had, he had to go through a long drawn out battle in court, he also went to jail. What about an abuse hotline? They can give you some advice. You may end up needing a lawyer if this keeps on. Guys know not to mess with me, b/c my stepdad is a lawyer, so it scares them a little. I am not familiar with Canadian laws, but I can find out more (where I work we dont deal with domestic abuse, I have a friend who does though), I also know the law websites that tell what your rights are. (I also worked in a major legal publishing company so I can pretty much find out all the laws) I can look them up for you. No one needs to go through this.


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## tinypinkbubbles (Jan 20, 2006)

Hello. First of all, I would like to applaud you for breaking up with your ex. That is the first step in a very long and painful process in moving on with your life. My mom was in an abusive relationship for over six; the man was a terrible drug addict and his family was in no way supportive of my mother and blamed her for most of. My mom had my younger brother with this man and when my bro was three is when things got really bad. The ex had found a new girl and just wanted to make my mom leave without her knowing about the new woman and he wanted to keep my younger brother. They fought constantly with him always leaving and taking my bro with him. The police were no help as they had no parenting plan so they let him continue to leave with my bro and go to this woman's house. He broke my mother's nose and she did nothing, just cried and said we had no where to go. We had moved over a 1,000 miles away from our home and she had no job or friends or anything but myself and my bro. Anyway, the final straw came when he tried to grab my bro out of my mom's arms and he broke her foot by stomping on it really hard. I called the police; he was arrested; his new girlfriend bailed him out. We were forced to leave as the house we lived in was owned by his family and had nowhere to go. My mom got a restraining order which he violated numerous times and went to jail for two weeks based on that until the trial for breaking my mom's foot. He was found not guilty and his family and new wife threw a party for him. My mom, myself and my bro gave up everything to go live in a battered women's shelter. We eventually found our own place and had to join a state program that protected our identities and address from him. The harrassment never stopped from him and people speaking on his behalf. My mom ended up having to go back to the shelter with my bro.

Anyway, we moved far, far away and have never heard from him again. I share this very short of my story to tell you that there is hope and promise. You are courageous and amazing and should be proud of yourself to leaving the situation. I'm sure the doctor will be able to help your physical problems and he just doesn't want to see you hurt anymore. I know you are afraid of what would happen if he told the police and I understand that. You should feel no guilt or shame; alot of people are quiet about domestic violence and that isn't the answer. When you feel comfortable, never be afraid of speaking about what you've been through. Talk loud and talk proudly; if this happens again; call the police...if you can't do it at your home leave and go to a friend's house...if he shows up unexpectedly, no matter how nice he is nice or if he says he's changed...call the police to let him no he's there...there needs to be records of all contact...Also, contact your local battered women's shelter regarding laws, etc., they should be able to help you.

Never give up and know that you are a good person...if you have any other questions, you can always PM me if you feel comfortable. I hope I have helped...


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## Amethyst (Jan 20, 2006)

Like someone else said, restraining orders won't stop someone from coming after you. But you need to do SOMETHING to keep this monster AWAY from you. Whether you have to MOVE, get A MALE FRIEND to stay with you, and continue to go to the police to report this guy harrassing you, following you, etc.

Some abused people feel guilty or scared and think they deserve their treatment and so they don't do anything about it....until its too late. You do NOT deserve this. Please get help SOME HOW, go stay with a friend. Take self defense classes, carry pepper spray, I don't know, just do something to protect yourself please.

Good luck!


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## peekaboo (Jan 20, 2006)

Hi City Angel! I am so sorry you are going through this. Restraining orders and Peace Bonds are one tool in fighting this(I agree that sometimes they can be meaningless) but you must report this to the police. You need the police involved in this because they need this on file and most times they take pictures etc.Most departments have a Domestic Violence branch. Do not hesitate to call and if this involves your doctor calling -file a report. There are women's shelter's in the community-that can help with resources/legal help etc. There is an assaulted women's helpline in Ontario(not sure which province you are in) 1-866-863-0511. Keep a book/journal describing what has happened on each occurance dates, injuries..even if he contacts you. I know you don't want your doctor going over your head but it must be reported. You can report past abuse to the police. Keep yourself safe and you do not deserve this BS.


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## cityangel (Jan 21, 2006)

Thank you everyone for your support. Yes, I have called the police twice in the past, arrested, charged both times. I did call with the latest incident. Right now I am house sitting for a friend, that he has never met, doesn't know where she lives. My cousin who is visiting from out of town is staying with me. I have been keeping a journal and even took some pics with my camera of injuries etc. I understand the doctor wants to help or stop this from happening. I don't know if I will need surgery, I guess they are waiting until I have these tests, don't know for sure. If I do, I hope it is this doctor before he retires. He told me "I am retiring in the Spring, will have to get you healed up, otherwise you will be seeing a new doctor." I think he senses I have a hard time trusting people. A few times when I was assaulted I headed to a walk in clinic, and felt like the doctor was judging me, rude etc. This doctor has never done that and he is not even my family doctor. He is a plastic surgeon/specialist. My family doc is aware and has documented my injuries. Told me if this heads to court, he will have my file with injuries to give etc.

Dixiewolf if you have any additional information such as websites with rights etc, I would appreciate it.


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## Becka (Jan 21, 2006)

I am really sorry that youâ€™re going through this, itâ€™s horrible. The others are right, restraining orders are mostly just paper, but, you have to keep getting them when/if they expire, and make sure you document absolutely every contact, phone call, etc. Go to the police as often as necessary, report absolutely everything. If he ever goes up before a Judge there needs to be hard evidence on paper of what heâ€™s been up to.

Tell your doctor everything all the time too, so he has it well documented. If there are medical expenses as a result of this that you have that you canâ€™t afford, talk to your doctor about it, or victim services, as there are govâ€™t funding options. In Canada your medical records can only be released by court order or your written consent. 

I would call the victim services unit in your province,

they can provide some good advice, and that is what theyâ€™re there for:

http://www.vaonline.org/prov.html

Our thoughts are with you


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## Killah22 (Jan 21, 2006)

Even though you have been abused....I do applaud you proudly for leaving:clap. You did take a step forward with getting out of the situation. What you have been enduring, that is something no one on earth should ever have to endure. Who do he think he is...for him to think he can just put his hands on you and harm you......he seriously have a problem.

I agree with what someone said earlier....for you to take up self-defense classes so that you can protect yourself. Have you ever saw that movie "Enough", J.Lo starred in that movie; she was getting abused by her husband, etc...well long story short....he got what he deserved in the end.

Abuse is not your fault. It's scary though because if he can just literally stand there or whatever and break your finger just like that cold-heartedly, then he can do anything to you, even if it means taking your life. Be safe, watch your back when traveling. If you have an alarm system in your house, use it at all times, and if he knows the password, change it. Also, you need to get some protection because your life is valuable. I just came from a funeral yesterday......so sad...it was my friend's mother.....she was beaten then strangled.....her own life taken right from her. Just be careful. Also, if you have a vehicle, be in the habit of checking the back seats....you never know!

I just really want for you to be safe and live a happy, healthy life.....no one should have to live in fear of other people. It's crazy...it shows you how much of a man that he really is....some men be sooooo fast to hit on a woman but when it comes for them to lay a hand on a man, they don't do that, that's when you see that they are punks. He hits and treat you the way that he do because he see that he can, you can't beat him, so he continues. Purchase a phone recorder, so if he call threatening you, keep all tapes of the phone conversation. You REALLY need to sue his A**, take him for every penny that he has, make him pay all those doctor bills because he did that to you, you shouldn't have to pay, MAKE HIM PAY....he isn't a man at all......he's a SISSY......a WIMP. Again take care and be safe; keep us updated.

P.S.- How long were you with him and when did the abuse first start?


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## dixiewolf (Jan 21, 2006)

I found these 3 websites about the laws. The site I had been thinking of earlier, only applies to the United States. I just used a search engine, and typed "domestic violence Canada", and weeded through the ones that were of no help. There are many more pages of sites, if you want to look up more, or if you need me to find out some other information for you, just let me know.

http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/redir?src=websearch&amp;requestId=c9c760f4eb184452&amp;cli ckedItemRank=6&amp;userQuery=canada+domestic+violence+ law&amp;clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.helpguide.org% 2Fmental%2Fdomestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_cau ses_effects.htm&amp;title=Domestic+Violence+and+Abuse% 3A+Types%2C+Signs%2C+Symptoms%2C+Causes%2C+and+...

http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/index.html

http://aolsearch.aol.com/aol/redir?src=websearch&amp;requestId=b2097dc563ceeb92&amp;cli ckedItemRank=12&amp;userQuery=canada+domestic+violence +law&amp;clickedItemURN=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.helpguide.org %2Fmental%2Fdomestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment _prevention.htm&amp;title=Domestic+Violence+and+Abuse% 3A+Help%2C+Treatment%2C+Intervention%2C+and+...


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## bluebird26 (Jan 21, 2006)

I understand that you dont want the doctors get involved in this, but what else can hurt if they call the police! You could die next time! Don't miss those oportunities to put that guy on jail!


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## dixiewolf (Jan 21, 2006)

She said she called the police for all the incidents. But I agree with you, if I was being abused like that, I would not mind my doctor getting involved. I was surprised when I had my last physical, the doctor asked me if anyone was abusing me, I came b/c of back pain, I also bruise really easily. I hadnt been abused, and said so, but I had had worse bruises on me before and the doctor never said a word. I am very accident prone, unfortunately


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