# Guy advice...please help



## hollyxann (Sep 1, 2006)

ok so im kinda having this lil dilemma in my life right now and i want your guys' opinions...



dont judge me, just give me your advice



and i should say this too....for the record i have NEVER in my life ever cheated on anyone...nor do i plan on it



ok so most of you know about me and jay [or at least have read a few things about us] we have our problems but nothing serious. yea there are things i dont like that i want fixed but hey whatever. jay and i have been together for 10 months...it will be 11 in september. we have even discussed marriage and children. and i love him to death! i mean that...yea i get frustrated and hate him sometimes...theres things that id like changed but thats with everyone.



now comes the fun part:



my ex bf and i still talk occassionally. he just moved down to kentucky a few months ago to work with his uncle and i guess he just bought a house down there. jay doenst know i still talk to him, he did before but as far as he knows i havent talked to him in a few months. if jay knew i was talking to him again he would flip out! heres my problems though...i still have super strong feelings for matt, i mean we have a lot of history. we were together for 4 yrs before breaking up last yr. i was engaged to him and everything. we were even trying to have a baby a few months before we broke up. at first i just thought i had these feelings bc i was used to being with matt, it was habit. but then i started to realize that i do still have actual feelings for him...i do still love him. well now matt wants me to come down to kentucky for a weekend. matt does know im involved with someone. and ive been having a ton of dreams about matt lately.



i dont know if i should go, or stay. i dont who i want to be with more. i love them both so much. and i dont want to hurt anyone. plus with jay i have a lot more going for me....but now that matt has his shit together things could be different there too...im just so frickin confused right now. what should i do? ive tried to weigh the pros and cons of both guys and i dont know what to go with.



ugh help!


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## Nox (Sep 1, 2006)

It seems you are really in a pickle. Many, many women before you have had this same dilema. Don't feel like you're alone in this because I am absolutely sure somebody is going to post in and say they are or have been going through the exact same thing.

I guess my only advice I've got is to meditate/pray on it. Most every woman is capable of making the right choice for herself, and you are no different. I find that sometimes when I openly wish or pray something, or have a question put out there to god/the universe, it has a way of being answered. Which man is better poised to give you what you need now, and five years from this time? Which man's principles would you rather raise your children with? Which man's negative aspects would start to wear on you with time, assuming he doesn't change? Those are the kinds of questions you are going to need answers to.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I think there are many more ladies better inclined to help you in this situation.


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## dentaldee (Sep 1, 2006)

My opinion is....... if things didn't work out for you the first time around with Matt.....do you really think things will work a second time???? things usually go back to the way they always were???!!! do you want to mess up the good thing you have with Jay??? it's for you to decide what you really want........but remember....no matter what your present relationship is, you'll *always* wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.......but that doesn't mean you have to act on it.


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## mandy_ (Sep 1, 2006)

I wouldn't chance it. You have a good thing going. Matt might have changed, but things can always change again. You don't want to lose someone you are perfectly happy with to take a chance on a guy you already GAVE a chance.


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## Jessica81 (Sep 1, 2006)

My Grandmother used to say if you cannot choose between more than one guy than NONE of those guys would be the one.


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## han (Sep 1, 2006)

dont go backwards in life move forward besides we all think the grass is greener on the other side untill we get there find out its not and if you leave your current boyfriend to go back to your ex and it doesnt work out again then your boyfriend might not take you back or even if he does things might not be the same and i agree with jessica81 grandmother


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## jdepp_84 (Sep 1, 2006)

Really think about the situation before making a drastic decision so you won't end up regretting it. I would take some time off and try to spend some time alone. Maybe that can help you sort out the feelings you have for both.


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## hollyxann (Sep 2, 2006)

ugh i just dont know what to do...im really torn right now...i dont wanna screw up what i have but i dont wanna miss out on what could be...


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## girl_geek (Sep 2, 2006)

The other girls have already given some good advice. One thought that hit me as soon as I read your post, though, is that Matt has asked you to come for a weekend even though he knows you are involved in another guy. He is asking you to cheat on Jay -- would you be comfortable going back to a guy that condones cheating? (Or at least condones cheating when it gets him what he wants?) That would be a red flag for me to stay away, regardless of how good or bad your current relationship is... Just my two cents!


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## lovesboxers (Sep 2, 2006)

very red flag. You have a good thing going with Jay you shouldn't mess that up if you love him. If you decide to go to see Matt then you need to end it with Jay first.


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## mossaenda (Sep 2, 2006)

If Matt wants you to come visit even when he knows you are in a relationship..well, maybe he doesn't has his "shit" together at all.





You have to give this a lot of thought, try and have a realistic, objective approach to this..not only about Matt but about your current relationship, what is it missing that you are even considering/thinking about your exbf?.

Don't rush, give yourself plenty of time. and do not let anyone pressure you, it's your decision and yours alone as so will be the consequences. Stay strong and have faith in yourself.


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## janetsbreeze (Sep 2, 2006)

i really have to agree with everyone here - i know that you still have strong feeling for matt but he is asking you to cheat and risk everything that you have for a weekend that may or may not work out with him.

you have to be ready to lose everything with jay if you take this chance.


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## Lindabear (Sep 2, 2006)

:[ been through it, but i pick to move on. u will always have feelings for the person u once love, because u loved them.


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## hollyxann (Sep 2, 2006)

this just sucks...

i cant believe i got myself into this...its just so hard...and i think about matt all the time but i do think jay all the time too....

thanks everyone for the great advice its really helping me


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## marshall1704 (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:
My opinion is....... if things didn't work out for you the first time around with Matt.....do you really think things will work a second time???? things usually go back to the way they always were???!!! do you want to mess up the good thing you have with Jay??? it's for you to decide what you really want........but remember....no matter what your present relationship is, you'll always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.......but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. I totally agree. Everytime I got in a new relationship I thought about my ex and he would want to come around then. Well I ended it with guys to get back with him well after 3 years things never got better. Honestly, don't do that. You guys aren't together for a reason. If he had his act together, then you guys would still be together. Plus, why would he want you to come if he knew you have someone?? You need to be open and honest with Jay if you are planning to see Matt...


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## mintesa (Sep 2, 2006)

I agree with all the girls. also remember the saying dont play with fire. and you know whats the right thing to do, its not right to leave jay just like that when someone else comes along. you are with him now, no matter whoever would make your head turn you should be loyal to jay. this way you are also loyal to yourself. you wouldnt want jay to do that to you.

remember another saying, the grass is never greener on the other side.

anyway, dont mess up the nice things you have now, keep on being a happy person, and shine your hapiness to others



*HUGS*


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Sep 3, 2006)

I think you should tell Jay that Matt invited you to come up and visit him. Also you have been keeping in contact with him. Tell Jay that, you and matt have been through a lot and you wanted to make sure he was doing okay. Lying will always catch up to you, no matter what.

ANd with the question if you still love Matt, you are the only one that has the answer to that. Maybe takes some time off to get yourself togther or find the answer. Do you first.


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## KISKA (Sep 5, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Jessica81* /img/forum/go_quote.gif My Grandmother used to say if you cannot choose between more than one guy than NONE of those guys would be the one. This makes alot of sence to me. I know that if I would be completely IN love with someone, I would not keep thinking of someone else...


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## bad cat (Sep 6, 2006)

I agree w/what everyone is telling you and I especially agree w/that very wise grandma. My advice to you is to know that "there is no future in your past". In other words it's over for a reason. We can all give you great advice but only you will be the one to take it or not. You need to put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you'd feel if you found out that Jay was doing this to you. You'd feel cheated and lied to b/c he never told you about his ex and keeping in contact. I agree that honesty is the best policy so you need to be honest w/yourself. If you're afraid of being judged it's probably because you know that playing w/fire will get someone burned and you're feeling guilty. You know what the right thing to do is and only you can decide in the end.


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## Aquilah (Sep 6, 2006)

I wouldn't chance it personally. The frustrations Jay causes are normal in relationships, and every relationships has problems to some extent. Matt should know better than to ask you to come visit him for a weekend knowing you're in a serious relationship. This all being said, you do have two things to follow: your head or your heart. More than likely, they're saying totally different things, and it's hard to figure out which one to pay attention to. I whole-heartedly recommend staying in your relationship with Jay, and see how far you two make it! Don't give up on a relationship that seems to have SO much potential and a great future for someone you've already been with and things didn't work out with. And I just realized how little sense I've made LOL! Sorry chica! Best of luck, and you're getting great advice!


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## melpaganlibran (Sep 10, 2006)

omg, this may sound callous and off hand but dump both of them. your ex cannot have changed that much &amp; if he wants you to fool around on your current b/f that's disrespectful to _you,_ as well as your current b/f in a way! I am having a hard time explaining it. yeah, what jess- 81's gramma, and also girly_geel, said above. I agree with those ladies.

If I was you I would cut off all contact with the long time ex &amp; let bygones be bygones...if your current b/f doesn't fulfill you either you may need to consider why you are with him. don't compromise your morality for anyone...especially with someone who already had you in his life and blew it.

My brother in law ruined his Marriage by cheating with an ex girlfriend. My husband made a big deal of it..."you just don't DO that! You don't cheat with an ex! it's insulting enough 2 the person who was cheated on, without throwing old baggage with someone you could have already stayed with in the mix!" I agree...hard to explain but 4 some reason I/we feel as if cheating with an ex-lover is somehow worse than cheating with some random fling.


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