# Why is he like this??!!!!



## jewele (Jun 21, 2007)

Well I have been having some BF issues lately. Here and there he will go out drinking (he says with guys at work) which I have no problem with. But sometimes he doesn't come home and he says he doesn't want to get a DUI or drive drunk so he stays at his friends house. But he'll call me about 5pm and says he'll be home later, but never comes home. Plus he doesn't call back to tell me that, he says he just gets busy playing pool with the guys that he loses track of time and before he knows it the bar is closing. That is what I am having a hard time with. To me, when you don't come home I think he is with another woman. He says he isn't, and I do somewhat believe him. There actually hasn't been any proof that he has cheated, he doesn't give me any signs that he is, yet I still feel a little bit like he has. Besides this one issue our relationship is fine. He tells me once in a while he just likes going out with the guys and getting really drunk. I don't know maybe I'm just thinking stupid things in my head. I know he is tired of hearing it from me. I have trouble trusting boyfriends, so I don't know. Maybe the problem is me and my trust issues instead of him.

Sorry for being long, it's just been bothering me for a while and I have nobody to talk to.


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## Aquilah (Jun 21, 2007)

Sounds to me like you two need to have a talk... Even if it's "before he knows it the bar is closing," he could call you then instead of not at all. I know John comes home whenever he goes out, but it still pisses me off when he doesn't call knowing he's going to be late. I'm sorry, but calling late is better than not calling at all. I'd let him know your concerns, and see what happens. If it continues, then maybe it's something you need to think about as far as whether or not his actions are something you can continue living/dealing with.


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## SimplyElegant (Jun 21, 2007)

Tell him that this is an issue that you feel really strongly about and that you want him to take you seriously on. Tell him how you feel and let him have his say and try to make a plan so that this won't be happening next time.


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## Dragonfly (Jun 21, 2007)

Assuming he is screwing around and using others to cover for him and telling you he is out drinking when he isn't.

Is this ok - will you accept it? Or is this a deal breaker for you?

Assume that he is not having sex with another woman and he is telling the truth.

Why does he need to get drunk? Is he an alcoholic?

Not all alcoholics drink on a daily basis. But their drinking causes them problems in different areas such as social, legal, financial, relationships.

If he is getting drunk and acting irresponsibly with you, that is a problem.

And just because he is a young man does not give him license to get drunk whenever he wants to. This only sets the stage for him to behave this way all throughout his life including when his wife is pregnant and when there are children around - the times that you will need him and he's no where to be found.

In any case, have a serious talk with him. Don't trust his word, judge his honesty with his actions. If he doesn't change, think long and hard if you are going to accept his behavour. Or find someone that is worthy of you.


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## Saje (Jun 22, 2007)

Carolyn gave you all of the red flags.

From what I read, you trust him and dont trust him. Which is it?

Also, if he loves and respects you, he would call. Its not that hard to pick up the phone and say, "Im drunk, So I wont drive home". And if they do go to a bar... dont bars close at 2am? Where does he go from there? Who drives him to where ever he is crashing to for the night? Do they have a designated driver or do they take the cab.

I hope you resolve this as I just dont see why its that difficult to call in the first place.


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## kaylin_marie (Jun 22, 2007)

Yeah it definately sounds like a talk needs to be had. Whether or not he's screwing around, he's not considering your feelings. Tell him what hurts your feelings, and what things you do not think are okay. If he doesn't change his actions at all then he is not giving you the respect you deserve. I personally think that every now and then is fine, but if you're in a relationship I do not think it's cool to go out to bars and get drunk all the time. Especially if you don't know where he is half the time or when you'll talk to him again.


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## Savvy_lover (Jun 22, 2007)

if he really loves you he would try his best to make u believe in him. my bf did that for me no matter how stubborn i m about him seeing other gurls when i m not around i m just paranoid.




he wouldnt blame u much for feeling that way. after all if u are h een who does that i doubt he would just sit back ~


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## BeneBaby (Jun 22, 2007)

I am can totally sympathize with you. I have a similar problem except that my BF is working late at night. He owns a car lot and makes his own hours. When extra work needs to be finished he might stay the night. Sometimes he says he'll be home by 9pm and doesn't call. I get frantic that something has happened to him. I know he isn't cheating because I have popped in at 2am unexpectedly several times to be sure!! But the frustration is that he fails to call and give me heads up.

Here is an example of what I would do... Next time you seem him say.. " I know you need to let loose with the guys sometimes, I understand you work hard! But I want you to know that it really upsets me when you don't call or come home. Is there something I can do to help you remember? Maybe offer to pick him up?

Maybe if he sees that his behavoir is upsetting you, but that you are willing to help, he'll see the error of his ways. If not, continue to communicate your unhappiness about the situation in a non-threatening way. This method has REALLY helped me....my BF has been home every night this week....early!


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## ivette (Jun 22, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Assuming he is screwing around and using others to cover for him and telling you he is out drinking when he isn't.Is this ok - will you accept it? Or is this a deal breaker for you?

Assume that he is not having sex with another woman and he is telling the truth.

Why does he need to get drunk? Is he an alcoholic?

Not all alcoholics drink on a daily basis. But their drinking causes them problems in different areas such as social, legal, financial, relationships.

If he is getting drunk and acting irresponsibly with you, that is a problem.

And just because he is a young man does not give him license to get drunk whenever he wants to. This only sets the stage for him to behave this way all throughout his life including when his wife is pregnant and when there are children around - the times that you will need him and he's no where to be found.

In any case, have a serious talk with him. Don't trust his word, judge his honesty with his actions. If he doesn't change, think long and hard if you are going to accept his behavour. Or find someone that is worthy of you.


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## jewele (Jun 22, 2007)

Thank you guys for giving me your thoughts. I will talk to him and let him know how I feel. I don't think I have fully expressed my feelings, and when I have sayed something it was in a threatening way. I will try a different approach. Thank you again!!!!


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## dlwt2003 (Jun 22, 2007)

if he has a Cell phone I would start calling it. Drunk or not he should answer. If he doesnt answer HE KNOWS YOU ARE CALLING. To me he can call and say Hey I am crashing with so and so. So wrong wrong to leave you hanging. So sorry, men can be such jerks at times~~good luck


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## farris2 (Jun 23, 2007)

he should call there is no excuse for that


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## pinksugar (Jun 24, 2007)

well..

I always think that with something like this, guys resemble children. They get excited and involved and forget.

So you have to sit down and talk to him, slowly, using small words, so that he can understand. Do it in a non-acusatory or aggressive way.

You might have to tell him several times in this way before he understands, but after the first time, you can say 'remember how i told you that it upsets me when you dont call? Im not upset with you going out, but I worry about you and I like to know if you're not coming home'

Then, if you've explained that it upsets you and hurts your feelings, and he continuously does it, what does that tell you? that he's a **** who doesn't care about your feelings!

Seriously, I'm guessing that it's just a case of typical guy stupidity, but I hope you can sort it out. Men! who needs em!


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## Dragonfly (Jun 24, 2007)

I wanted to touch on something Rosie was saying.

When my son was a toddler, I attended 3 parenting courses. The one thing I learned in all three was: after you tell your chld what you want, you must get the child to repeat back your request. Once they do, you know that they have heard you and you know that they understand.

Having said all that,

make sure your boyfriend understands what you want from him.

If he says yeah or ok or alright when you talk to him, he's not getting it.


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## kaylin_marie (Jun 24, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I wanted to touch on something Rosie was saying.
When my son was a toddler, I attended 3 parenting courses. The one thing I learned in all three was: after you tell your chld what you want, you must get the child to repeat back your request. Once they do, you know that they have heard you and you know that they understand.

Having said all that,

make sure your boyfriend understands what you want from him.

If he says yeah or ok or alright when you talk to him, he's not getting it.




I've had to do that before, works.


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## jessiej78 (Jul 6, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Assuming he is screwing around and using others to cover for him and telling you he is out drinking when he isn't.Is this ok - will you accept it? Or is this a deal breaker for you?

Assume that he is not having sex with another woman and he is telling the truth.

Why does he need to get drunk? Is he an alcoholic?

Not all alcoholics drink on a daily basis. But their drinking causes them problems in different areas such as social, legal, financial, relationships.

If he is getting drunk and acting irresponsibly with you, that is a problem.

And just because he is a young man does not give him license to get drunk whenever he wants to. This only sets the stage for him to behave this way all throughout his life including when his wife is pregnant and when there are children around - the times that you will need him and he's no where to be found.

In any case, have a serious talk with him. Don't trust his word, judge his honesty with his actions. If he doesn't change, think long and hard if you are going to accept his behavour. Or find someone that is worthy of you.

WOW- I could not have said it better


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## Lindiriel (Jul 6, 2007)

I just want to add - to really think about how you are going to have a talk with your bf.

What I mean is to choose your words carefully. If you go down the 'you ought, you should, you never' route, all you will do is to make him defensive and even less likely to hear what you're saying.

If you frame everything in terms of ' when this happens, it makes me feel like xxxx'. then you have a much better chance of him changing his behaviour. And it's the behaviour that's the problem, not neccessarily him.

You've been given some really good advice by other women here so you just have to plan what you want to say and pick the right moment.

If after all this, he still won't change then maybe you have to face up to getting rid - truly selfish people rarely change for others.

Of course it'll hurt if you do have go to the extreme but a whole lot less than after another year or so, or even worse, after10 years marriage and maybe a kid or two.

Walk proud,

Hugs,

Kath


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## SierraWren (Jul 6, 2007)

Regardless of his reasons/motives, your boyfriend is relentlessly and repeatedly hurting your feelings and violating your trust, and that is NEVER a good or fair thing: it must be changed!The women here have given good advice, particularly in regards to "how" you speak to him about this issue: remaining careful to calmly, clearly express yourself,how very hurt you are, while at the same time, being non-accusatory and non-threatening, so that he doesn't reflexively start lying or refuse to listen or go on the defensive. You might start out by saying,"I know in every relationship, people do things that confuse and hurt the other person,it's normal, but the really important part is that we discuss it together and you explain something that is upsetting me a lot lately so that we can both be happy with each other again. I'm honestly not accusing you of anything, at all--I only want some honest answers to a few questions." Or something like that--obviously, not word for word!





It does sound to me as if he's holding something back, but that could very well be b/c he has sort of made a habit of neglecting you these nights and feels bad about it--yet not quite willing to give his "drinking nights" up. Around 12 years ago, I had a boyfriend like that;he wanted his freedom and told me this so much you would have thought I had bells and a leash on his neck. He went out to one pub twice to three times a week, met friends there--I didn't drive so I couldn't easily get there alone,and it was "boy's night";he didn't want me to join. He most often stayed at a friend's house, I often wouldn't see him till late afternoon the next day(he went from there to work). I had a suspicion(never verified)that he was cheating, without any proof.But the worst thing was when he refused to compromise in the slightest:He wouldn't even go to "his" pub one night less a week,(though he began,briefly, bringing me flowers,after our first big confrontation.Oh, my, such sweet smelling victory,indeed!Or is that the sweet smell of success?)

I finally gave him an ultimatum: the pub and his whole secret life there, or me. Of course he chose the pub--in the worst way, lying, swearing he chose me. Ultimately though, it became just all too clear that he chose alcohol (and prescription drugs he "borrowed"from me)over everything else--his life sort of fast pedaled downhill.Are there any chances/indication that your boyfriend is a heavy drinker,an addicted one?That might well explain his "sneakiness", if so,and vagueness around the facts of his drinking. Watching my ex disappear into alcoholism was like "slowly" becoming a widow---I felt I lost him, not to another woman but to an entire entity, an intangible,transparent and yet completely opaque, enormous substance.Look out for signs,just in case, that your boyfriend might have problems with drinking.

Above all, look out for yourself. It doesn't sound like, at least at the moment, he is doing so, and that's something you might want to consider too:when this man understands your pain over him, your anguish, does he seek to comfort you, to put an end to your pain through his own actions, not just words? If so, you have definitely found a keeper! But if he leaves you, still,in limbo, not filling in urgent spaces for your peace of mind,I'd say that you are absolutely not being loved as you deserve to be, and that there is huge room(in him)for improvement.You know better than anyone about his potential.

Best of luck to you!


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## Solimar (Jul 7, 2007)

Having trust issues will always play a factor, but then again, his actions are not making the situation better. Usually, a woman knows when her man is cheating on her. I have never met one that felt "out of the loop" and I know many -- including my own mother. Women have good intuition, and we can usually tell when something is not right. However, you have trust issues, which can automatically raise your suspicions about his fidelity, even if he does nothing at all.

Talk to him, share your feelings and don't always pinpoint it on him, which can in turn, end the conversation. Say something along the lines of "I feel as though there is something that needs to be talked about between us" or "I have a hard time opening myself up to trusting people, and sometimes the things you do exacerbate that problem". Don't be aggressive, or go into the conversation assuming he is cheating.

Good luck =) I know this part of relationships really suck!


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## pinksugar (Jul 8, 2007)

what ended up happening? I'm SUCH a nosy parker but ya know.. I like updates





Hopefully everything worked out good!


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## justdragmedown (Jul 8, 2007)

Just let him know how you feel


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