# Have you ever been attracted to someone other than your spouse?



## AngelaGM (Jul 24, 2006)

I have a male best friend named Jeff whom I am very sexually attracted to. I would never cheat on my husband, Bryan, whom I love with all my heart. But lately I have had sexual dreams about Jeff and I feel guilty. What should I do? Jeff lives over five hours away and we only see him once or twice a year.


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## Vonniegirl (Jul 24, 2006)

Well I believe you can't help your feelings. Just as long as you don't take actions =]


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## Aquilah (Jul 24, 2006)

I agree with Vonnie... I'm attracted to lots of guys... All celebs though, so no worries about cheating for me!


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## AngelaGM (Jul 24, 2006)

Then why do I feel so guilty? I am confused....


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## Vonniegirl (Jul 24, 2006)

I don't know why you feel guilty. You really shouldn't. You can't help the way you feel nor how you dream. You might feel guilty if you are thinking about Jeff more than you should be, but hun I don't think you have anything to worry about and I think you should stop worrying yourself and stop feeling so guilty if you really love your husband and would never ever consider cheating on him. You can't work yourself up over this because you can't control feelings/dreams. Don't worry about it girl. Stay focused on making your relationship as happy as can be!! &lt;3vonnie


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## pieced (Jul 24, 2006)

This just goes to show that you are human, with human thoughs. We are going to find others (other than you significant other) attractive and that's always going to be like that. I'm sure your husband is also like that, but it's nothing to get and be upset and feel gulity about. _BUT_ it would be something entirely different if you acted on those impluses. So it's just brain doing it's job and exercising itself. You know you love you husband, and you know that, so chill and don't take it so seriously...


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## Elisabeth (Jul 24, 2006)

Yes. A couple of times. Once it ended in divorce. Best thing that ever happend to me. Even more confused now?


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## AngelaGM (Jul 24, 2006)

Thank you ladies for all the heartfelt advice. I know he gets attracted to other women. We work at a casino and there is alot of attractive guests..... BUT I still feel guilty.....


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## melpaganlibran (Jul 27, 2006)

a dream is only a dream and we have no control so we dont need to feel cuplablity...

a dream is just a dream, dont read too mcuh into it nor act on anything. you are fine and okay person and we are all only human. I ahve had those dreams too hon and I wake up feeling guilty and kind of ashamed like I was up to something when i was just...asleep! i shake myself out of the weird mood by trying to forget about it or laugh about it later to myself, like "omg i would never, i cant belive i ever in my life dreamed that i went and..." I am sure hubby had a few dreams about other women too, none of us can really 'help' it...but I don't wanna hear about it from him at-all!


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## dixiewolf (Jul 27, 2006)

Well I am not married, but have been in a relationship going on 5 years. My bf had a friend who would bring a single guy along with all us, to dinner, movies, etc. I was so attracted to this guy I seriously could barely even concentrate on the movie. To make matters worse, he was always looking at me, he had a crush on me. It isnt I havent felt others were attractive, but I was just drawn to this guy, I could barely speak around him. Anyways, nothing ever happened, and he moved away thank goodness. My bf actually found it funny that he was staring at me all the time. He knew I wasnt going to dump him for this new guy


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## fickledpink (Jul 27, 2006)

I have celeb crushes all the time, hehe. But my man is the only man for me


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## Gwendela (Jul 27, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Aquilah* I agree with Vonnie... I'm attracted to lots of guys... All celebs though, so no worries about cheating for me! Same here. I have my list of celeb crushes and my hubby has his. Just as long as I never meet Isaiah Washington or Mario Lopez and he never meets Drew Barrymore or Lark Voorhies we're safe.


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## girl_geek (Jul 28, 2006)

If you are *only* having dreams about him, then don't feel guilty, you can't help that! I have had sexual dreams about guys and I wake up thinking, "What the heck was that all about?!" lol It's also ok if thoughts of him just randomly pop into your head, it's also hard to control that!

However, if you find yourself thinking or fantasizing about him a lot, or dwelling on those random sexual thoughts instead of trying to ignore them, I can understand why you feel guilty. I would also feel guilty if I kept thinking about another man in a sexual way -- I'm a Christian so I think the Bible verse Matthew 5:28 prohibits fantasizing about other men: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I think Jesus makes it pretty clear that the statement "It doesn't matter what you think, as long as you don't act upon it" is false!

However, I don't really have any advice for how to think about him less, since I have not been in that situation before.... yeah, I might see a guy on the street and think "wow, he's hot", but I've never had a guy that I just couldn't get out of my head! (Except for hubby, and my ex while were dating, of course!) Maybe try to replace the thoughts with sexual fantasies about your husband, or other random innocent thoughts?

DISCLAIMER: No offense to any of the girls who said fantasizing is ok, as long as you don't act on it! These are just my own personal beliefs and I'm not trying to say the rest of you are wrong or immoral!


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## Nox (Aug 1, 2006)

I will admit that I have had thoughts about one other man I used to work with. Right before my husband and I got married last year, is when the fantasizing was at it's worst. I told myself that I had to snap out of it and completely rid this man from my mind. We were from the midwest and moved to opposite sides of the country at about the same time for grad school. I see him occasionally when I go back home, but to me he is like a Klingon in the street now. No connection, no relation. It feels good to know that I have conquered that temptation now. I actually feel more of an attraction to my husband more and more every day because my mind is free from other toxic romantic thoughts.

I have seen and admired good looking men since then, but I can easily dismiss it as quickly as I saw it, and think nothing more, since to me, they are only part of the scenery. It has become impossible for me to think of another man in the same way I regard my husband. I am not very religious, but the biblical quote from Matthew is one that I do take seriously, in fact that's the first thing that popped in my mind when I read the title of this thread.


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## jessica9 (Aug 1, 2006)

I think it is totally normal. While I am not married, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and have found myself attracted in the same way you mention twice. One of the guys is his best friend, who lives far away, is married with two kids, etc. - off limits and obviously just a silly "i think he's cute and charming" crush. My boyfriend knows about it and we joke around about it! His friend thinks I'm attractive too, and he has a sort of flirtatious personality, but what it comes down to is he is committed to his wife and family, and it would NEVER HAPPEN - on both of our parts! I mean, we are human, and of course you will find certain men attractive throughout the course of your marriage. I remember my mom telling me a couple years ago about a cute guy at her office and her neverending crush on Brad Pitt (which drove my dad nuts!) I mean...even my 49 year old mother is human after being married for 27 years!

You can't help what you dream, and if it becomes distracting, I would just try to push it out of your head. I understand feeling guilty, but I'm sure it will end up being a passing thing, and you know you would never act upon it, so don't beat yourself up! Sometimes our dreams feel so real, and can make us think more about someone we might not have normally.


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## VenusGoddess (Aug 1, 2006)

We are usually attracted to some aspect of another person's personality. Either the aspect that we feel we are lacking or that our spouses/SO are lacking. And, having sex with someone in a dream is usually about "intimately taking on or wanting to take on the aspects of the person's personality/traits." Maybe instead of focusing on how ______ Jeff is, start focusing on how ________ you or your husband are.

You can't change the fact that you are attracted to someone...but start to become aware of WHY you are attracted to them. And, if it's just the primal "wild sex" urge...well, just enjoy the dream while you can and move on. Focusing on how "naughty" it is is only going to make you feel worse...and probably keep the dreams coming more and more. Just relax, accept it and go with the flow.


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## SierraWren (Aug 1, 2006)

Yes, to my friend, who happens also to be my ex-boyfriend--We went out 11 years ago, though, broke up, but our friendship(we'd been friends since we were 6)remained...It keeps flourishing,we still have so much in common,and,yes,I'm still attracted to him--but I'm married to a man I deeply love and would kill myself before I did anything to hurt him. There are always just going to be those few unfinished sentences between my friend and I, that we must leave both present and unfilled.


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## marshall1704 (Aug 5, 2006)

Quote:
I agree with Vonnie... I'm attracted to lots of guys... All celebs though, so no worries about cheating for me! I agree!!


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## Intrigue (Nov 30, 2006)

I don't see it as being a bad thing that your attracted to other guys. How can't you be? Even if my husband were drop dead gorgeous I think I'd still be. As stated before, we're only HUMAN.


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## AngelaGM (Nov 30, 2006)

I just happened to read all your replies, thank you ladies... I feel so much better now


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## TylerD (Nov 30, 2006)

Its natural you will be attracted to other guys, and im sure your husband finds other women attractive also. Nothing is wrong with that, its just apart of life. Doesnt mean you love eachother any less, you both have eyes haha you know when you are attracted to someones looks or not. No biggie just as long as you dont act on them.


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## Kimmers86 (Dec 4, 2006)

I actually haven't been attracted to anyone other than my guy. As weird as it sounds, I don't really pay any attention to other guys now....

But if I were you I wouldn't feel guilty...you can't help your dreams and as long as they stay dreams it is harmless.


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## claire20a (Dec 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *AngelaGM* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I just happened to read all your replies, thank you ladies... I feel so much better now




glad to hear it!


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## AngelaGM (Dec 4, 2006)

I think it is impossible to be "everything" to your spouse if that makes sense. I like the fact I have emotional ties to all my best friends


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## empericalbeauty (Dec 4, 2006)

I think you feel guilty because of the emotional aspect and there is a notion in society that cheating is cheating whether physical or emotional. Sometimes i think I am attracted to some guys but I realise I am not. it is just the feeling of being near someone that isnt my bf. As long as you dont act on it, you are okay. Over time the emotional part will work itself out. just dont beat yourself up over it


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## Jessica (Dec 6, 2006)

I have had two crushes since i've been with my husband. The one crush is just a lttle school girl crush that he knows about and continuously teases me about it. It's this guy we work with and he always says to me "want me to go over there and talk to him for you?". The other crush was not really a physical one but an emotional one. Don't get me wrong he's by no means unattractive, he's just not my "type". i found myself developing a crush when we would see each other and talk about our spouses. Like if my husband and I had a fight I would be able to confide in him and vice versa. But as soon as I saw that I was becoming emotionaly attached to him I had to back off. I love my husband and I would never hurt him.

Having a crush is totaly harmless if you don't act on it. I always tell my husband "you can look at the menu but you're not allowed to order" lol


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## SierraWren (Dec 6, 2006)

Originally Posted by *AngelaGM* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think it is impossible to be "everything" to your spouse if that makes sense. I like the fact I have emotional ties to all my best friends



This is a very wise insight---I agree with you absolutely.


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## Jennifer (Dec 9, 2006)

never.


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## jjolove187 (Jan 5, 2007)

I thought when i got married that no other guy would make me look twice but I was wrong. It's ok to look and admire from a far, but I think it would be wise to avoid the temptation. Try to replace thoughts of the other guy with your husband.


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