# Love is not all you need.



## Roshni Diya (Jul 1, 2010)

I think i just need to get this out.

I have no doubt that i was (am) in love with my ex boyfriend. We were together for more than 2 and a half years, through the hardest and happiest of times. This year my mum went on holiday and i lied to her that i was going to stay at a friend's house, when really my boyfriend and i got a hotel room. We did this twice.

I felt so guilty, of course. But that was our only chance to spend that amount of time together. We live far away and only get to see each other for a few hours a month. We just wanted to be together, watch films, be happy. And we were. We had an amazing time and i missed it so much after it was over. We went to the cinema, the zoo, ate pizza and ice cream on the bed, laughed, we were just... close.

I did give him head for the first time. So what? He'd been my boyfriend for almost 3 years and i hadn't done any of that. Not even sex. Partly because of my medical condition (it took me SO LONG to trust him with it, but he was great), and my culture and religion. Firstly, we're of different religions, so being together in the first place was so eihuwitha hard. I'm also supposed to wait until marriage until i have sex. But i don't see sex as some dirty thing anymore. Not if you love your partner like we loved each other.

Anyway, i obviously kept this a secret from my mum. I had nightmares where she found out, and i felt guilty all the time. And last week, she did find out. I knew God wouldn't let me get away with it. And it was our fault entirely. I would give anything to turn time back so we'd still be together.

Long story short, she was crying and screaming at me for hours. I couldn't believe it. She'd found out i was lying naked in bed with him and everything, (due to my own stupidity). She couldn't believe i would do anything like that and not suprisingly said she could never trust me again. She said she was going to take my phone and laptop, and that i could NEVER see him again.

I texted him before she took my phone, briefly saying what happened, and i emailed him from school the next day. I didn't know what we'd do if we chose to be together still. My mum said if i chose to do something stupid like run away with him, she'd never let me back into the home. Thus a future with him would also not be able to happen. It was either my family, or my love.

I waited a whole day for his reply. I cried and cried. Finally, he replied:

"I'm sorry to break this to you,

but our relationship is no more.

This time your family have gone too far

Have a nice life and stuff"

I was heartbroken, but a part of be expected it. Everything had come crashing down in just a matter of days. I replied with my acceptance, telling him what a wonderful boyfriend he'd been and how i wished him the best in life. And that's the truth.

I pray every day for him. I cried so much, for the first few days i was sure i'd kill myself. I hoped so much that he'd text me, and i kept waking up in the night to check. I waited for good morning and goodnight texts even though i knew i'd not get them. I waited at 8pm, our usual talking time, for him to call. He's on my mind every moment of the day. I texted him one last time, "I will always love you..." and deleted his number, my msn and facebook.

I wondered why other people got to be happy. Why is it that some parents are so accepting not only of their child's love life, but of their sex life. Why is it that i have to come from a sexist culture that doesn't believe in love, but only arranged marriages. The girl must be a pure virgin before marriage, whereas the male can do whatever he wants. (My brother is able to do whatever he likes, simply because he is a boy). It is the girl who must keep herself clean. It is the girl who brings shame on the family. It is the girl who doesn't get a shot at happiness. My boyfriend and i were both virgins; he waited for ME. He waited until i was ready. And in a strange way, i wish we'd done that now.

Without a hope or chance for our future, i understand why he couldn't take this anymore. While his family were so accepting of me, mine made it clear that they wouldn't accept him because of his religion, AND because i'm a girl who should not have a boyfriend until i'm near the age of marriage. He tried to get my mum to like him, he really did. It broke my heart every time he was dissapointed. But i can't help but get angry that he left me. I loved him with all my heart, and he left me. I don't have friends, my mum is my only family, and he was everything else. He was my best friend. My family. He knew everything about me and i about him. I don't know what on earth we could have done to be together. But it still hurts, that he left me all alone.

Something weird has happened over the last couple of days. I woke up with a feeling of nothingness. There is still always an ache inside of me, and he's still always on my mind. I can't pretend that i don't love him, or will ever stop loving him. I still miss him. And i don't ever want to share myself with anyone again. But i don't feel an excruciating pain anymore. I don't wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. I accept things.

It wouldn't sink in that i'd never see his face again. Or his bright shiny eyes. Or hear his sweet voice. But it has now.

I can eat again. I had starved myself to the point where i looked in the mirror and saw a skeleton. I can sleep again. I think it's a human way of having to cope with things. Though you think you could never smile again, your body makes you cope with things. A sharp pain turns to a dull ache. And that will have to suffice.


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## Karren (Jul 1, 2010)

Awww. That's amazingly sad... I hate that empty feeling... Like nothing maters... Comes right after the feeling of impending doom goes away... I have had my heart broken a few times and I don't know why but family (mine or theirs) always seemed to be an issue that either caused it or facilitated it... But it is true that time heals all wounds..


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## Roshni Diya (Jul 1, 2010)

Awh, i certainly hope it does Karren. Thanks for reading that, i've really needed some support.


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## Dragonfly (Jul 1, 2010)

I'm not sure what to say. I just wanted you to know that your words touched me.


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## internetchick (Jul 1, 2010)

Do you have friends that support you? It's hard when your family's views are different from yours. My father is born and raised in Mexico, so his views are much different from mine since I was born and raised in the United States. He was very against premarital sex. I went without my parent's knowledge to get my birth control when I was 17. My dad would have lost it had he known. In the end it's your life, and while it sucks it may be necessary to keep much of it private until your family comes around. Which unfortunately could take years or not happen.

Do realize that you _will _meet someone who will love you so much that they won't care what your family is like. Maybe with time your guy will decide to be with you despite your family. Who knows. For your own sake though, you might want to eventually move so that you can keep in touch but they won't be so up in your business.

(((hugs)))


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## divadoll (Jul 1, 2010)

First loves always are more angst and passion... Just think Romeo and Juliet - they were only 12 and 13. It's probably because its new. I also had the same experiences where my parents disapproved. It ended as well. It will get better and you will meet the right one. Take care, we are here when you need us


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## Roshni Diya (Jul 1, 2010)

Yeah, i did keep my relationship secret from almost everyone, because it was dangerous if it got around. When my dad found out in the first few MONTHS he tried to kill me, so it was a secret from him too. Unfortunately though, i don't think i have the heart to move away from my mum. I love her too much and i have to look after her as time goes on.

Thanks guys... i know most people say they don't believe they'll meet anyone else, but i really don't want to. Because i feel like this relationship ended for no good reason... we were happy and without fault. So i don't know how i'd move on, or fall out of love. But thanks for your support.

Internetchick, i have few friends who i'm not close to. So i don't consider myself as really having friends like everyone else does. I don't really feel like talking to anyone though.


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## Lucy (Jul 1, 2010)

oh gosh, i totally teared up reading your OP. how old are you sweetheart, if you don't mind me asking?

massive hugs to you. i know exactly the kind of culture you're dealing with, have witnessed it first hand with my best friends. i used to be so close with this asian girl at school, and she was always wanting to go out and get boyfriends like i did, but couldn't. she's in an arranged marriage now and i _think_ she's happy, but it always saddened me that she didn't break free, because she always wanted to.

i could say to you that one day your mother will come around and start to see things from your point of view, but i don't think she will. the values that she has will be engrained into her by her mother before her- if she was brought up in such a way, why should she raise you any different? why should you get to go out and experience such wonderful, liberating things if she never did? this is probably where she is coming from.

you are in an oppressive culture, yes. it's saddening and infuriating that women can be treated this way in such a modern age- but you do have the choice to do something about it. my advice from here depends on how old you are- but it's basically this- get out of the house. get a job. go to university. go to college. you at least live in a country that has these options there for you. it's not betraying your family and most definitely not betraying your religion. if you can just go out, earn your own money and start being more independent- your mother will eventually start seeing you as an adult who can make her own decisions. and maybe if you save up for long enough, you'll have enough money to move out and do whatever you want in your own place.

all parents are weird about their kids having sex- so maybe mentioning it wasn't the best idea. i did exactly the same thing and my mum forced me into having the morning after pill and made a huge deal out of how it was illegal (i was weeks away from my 16th birthday, he was 16). from now on you just need to keep it private.

as for the boy, he may yet come around. from what i'm guessing he's kinda young too, and kinda not arsed to have to deal with this kind of crap. but if he really loves and cares about you he might change his mind. if he doesn't, he's not worth your tears. i know it's hard when you're heartbroken, but you just need to pick yourself back up. we're all here for you hon.


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## Roshni Diya (Jul 1, 2010)

I had always felt oppressed in my culture but when we were together it was as though i was one of the lucky ones. I got a chance to escape the traditional role of being a wife who obeyed her husband's every command, gave him sex, gave him food, without question and all for nothing. Not for one piece of respect or love. I knew we loved each other, and i'd break the cycle of unhappy loveless marriages. I know we would have been happy.

I know my mum won't think the way i do, because of exactly the reasons you said. It doesn't really matter now because i don't have him. She was in her right to feel betrayed that i'd lied... everything would be okay if i hadn't chosen to do that. I don't blame her. I said to her that i don't want to end up in a loveless marriage like she is. She said, "At least my mother can hold her head high and say her daughter was clean before marriage"... sex is not an expression of love. It's for reproduction purposes and to please your husband only. I will never marry and fall into line with all the other oppressed women, even if it means i'll be alone.

I'm going to uni next year... applying and everything is helping me keep my mind off him. But none of that independence matters anyway because i've lost him. I don't know how to explain how i feel... i just feel like if i don't have him it doesn't matter. But i know what you mean and i will have some more independence next year..

I didn't tell my mum anything about sex... i stupidly used to write about the times my boyfriend and i had spent together, so i could look back on them. A couple of documents were left on my laptop and she read that exact one. It was so detailed and emotional. I'm so stupid but i never thought she'd be able to get to it.

I'm soon to be 18, and he's 18. Sounds young. Although, i'm expected to be married off before 25. For some reason while i was reading that it was hard for me to accept what you're saying. But you're right. He would text me. I just want to know that he misses me or that he loves me. Though that would make the situation a whole lot worse... i don't know. I don't think i should have posted this, thinking about it has made the sharp pain come back. Thanks for understanding Lucy, i'm glad i have one place where i can be truthful about this.


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## laceysmiles84 (Jul 1, 2010)

I wish I knew exactly what to say. I am still shocked over cultural differences and sexuality. I am so sorry that you have been going through this! *hugs*


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## HisBunny (Jul 1, 2010)

Things well get better just keep your head up, message me if you need someone to talk to im here for you.


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## Ingrid (Jul 1, 2010)

*big hugs* I really don't know what to say, except to give it some time and you will heal. I don't know how old you are, I just hope you are old enough to make your own decision, your happiness is your own matter, no1 else's, not even your mom can tell you which path you should take. I just hate it when kids are left with no choice, when they have things all planed out for them, their religion, beliefs, who to love and such. I am not a rebel, but I am brave enough to stand up for what I want and what I believe in, because I don't want any regrets later in life or wish I can turn back time and do certain things differently. I listen to my heart, not anyone else's, not even my head. You have to do the same, hopefully when you are old enough then start making decisions for yourself and ignore what eveyone else think. Nobody out there can live your life for you, you create your own happiness.


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## Roshni Diya (Jul 3, 2010)

*Sigh* i miss him so much.


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## misstinamarie (Jul 18, 2010)

No, love is not all you need, but if you've found real love, it's pretty close to being all you could ever need. I'm not sure really what to say about this because of the cultural differences, but when you have the freedom to make your own choices, it's hard to understand why others would allow loved ones to introduce misery in their lives. I see you live in the UK..what country and what are the religious differences?

I'm 35 and I have yet to find real love in another human being. If it was anybody else, I would say there's always a way to be with who you love. I wish that more cultures could see how religion can ruin people's lives. It makes me very sad to see that yours doesn't want you to find genuine happiness. If there is a way to be with him, I would strongly encourage you to find it as soon as possible. It sounds like you could easily lose yourself forever if you are forced to live without him. I'm not a religious person, but I hope and pray that you can work this out. My thoughts are forever with you!


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## Minka (Jul 22, 2010)

True, love isn't all you need.

If it's ever possible, you may be happier in another culture where you won't be so harshly judged. Expensive i'm sure, but maybe you can look into leaving the country somehow. I'm not saying it will be easy but it doesn't hurt to dream about what you want (acceptance of your idea that differs from your culture) but maybe you can find a love with similar qualities and be away from your family where you won't be judged (depending on your age).

I really don't want to be the black sheep here, but I feel like your boyfriend should've stuck his ground and choose you over the stress of having to deal with your family, since it does sound like you were asking for a discussion over text and not an absolute conclusion (sounds like he took easy-street).

Being creative and picking up new hobbies will help heal your soul. When you feel the pain, talk to someone you think may understand, (in real life or online, whoever will listen) - you'll feel better threefold.

You're so gorgeous and well-written and your mom will either 1). come around and accept you or understand you or 2). she'll wake up one day and realize, you moved on in your life, left her behind and brought your beliefs and ways of thinking with you.

There are many, many men out there. Don't feel discouraged. Any beautiful person will accept you for your ideas, your goals and your beliefs.


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## reesesilverstar (Jul 22, 2010)

Lucy hit the nail on the head. I wish I could add something, but it would be redundant.

Agree completely with all she said.


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## Tyari (Jul 22, 2010)

Hun, I don't think you lost him, I think he lost you. You are the one worth having out of this whole situation. What I don't understand is why he was so short with his email? If he really loved you, did he not think you deserved at least a decent explanation, if anything?? "Have a nice life and stuff"... really?? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but as you grow and mature, you will get over this heartache and you will be all the better for it. I recently heard a quote that goes something like this, "The heart is a muscle. When damaged, it grows back stronger". Just look forward and when you catch yourself pining over him, make an effort to think positive and distract yourself. In time you will get through this.


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## karmacharm (Jul 24, 2010)

"The heart is a muscle. When damaged, it grows back stronger". 






*My heart really went out to you as I was reading your story. I have no experience with growing up in religion, so I can't really offer any valuable advice on that. But I sure do know what heartache feels like. It's horrible and we've all been through that feeling. Just wanted to say that things will become easier in time, they always do hun. You're in my thoughts.



*


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## pinksugar (Jul 24, 2010)

I agree with lucy and Beautiijunkii. But until you heal from the heatbreak,huge hugs to you, and best wishes.


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## Roshni Diya (Jul 31, 2010)

Thanks so much for your opinions guys. Just reading them and knowing you took the time to read all my shit and empathise made me smile.. and i've found it pretty hard to smile since this happened. It still hurts so much, and at the end of the day i still always end up crying, although i'm trying really hard to keep myself busy and make friends.


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## BombDiggity (Aug 19, 2010)

Wow, I just read your post and I'm so sorry. Honestly I don't even know what to say... I guess I'm just replying so you know that there are people out there who feel for you, who will listen (rather read) and understand how you feel, even though theres nothing anyone can really do a supportive person (even if its over a makeup web site lol) can really do alot in helping someone feel a little bit better


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## cfg825 (Aug 22, 2010)

Ive had my heartbroken, I was the same age u r. I had been with him for 2 yrs and for no real reason we broke up. 6 months passed without hearing anything from him. I was devasted I would just cry and life just didnt seem as happy. But sometimes love is funny. Because he did contact me and we r together again, going for 5 yrs. So basically it may take time but if its love, it will one way or another find its way back to your heart. But the best thing to do is to move on, because the less u think about it the less it hurts. everyone deserves to b happy. Everyone should have hope. So dry those tears and make something happen.


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