# Broke up w/ my fiance of six years, how do I move on?



## perlanga (Aug 7, 2011)

After being together only one month shy of six years, and all of my adult life, me and my fiance have officially broken up. Our relationship turned rocky shortly after leaving California in December and returning back home to Michigan, but I was always convinced that things would get better.

He was diagnosed with a paranoid schizophrenia about two years ago after returning from the war and gets unstable about two-three months out of the year. It was tough dealing with those periods, but when he got healthy again I realized why I hung in there. Unfortunately in December he had a lapse that to this day has not gone away. As the months went by I was hopeful he would go back to normal, but even with his treatment, which includes medication and therapy he has taken a turn for the worse. He has gotten so ill that he cannot be left alone and is considered to be unsafe in public. After seeing the depths that this illness can reach I feel that I cannot continue on in a healthy marriage with him and I could never consider leaving any children we would have in his care.

I've known that this relationship was coming to an end since May, but I just wanted to wait for the right time to end it. I think that due to the time I've been weighing and debating the decision in my head, I have come to terms with all this. My issue at this point is moving on knowing that if this illness had never shown up we would be happy together.

Has anyone ever been in a situation, where you and someone just couldn't be together, for reasons you really couldn't control? How did you deal with it?


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## DreamWarrior (Aug 8, 2011)

Oh Perlanga, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.  I wish I had the right words, dealing with mental issues are never easy.  My prayers will be for your greaving heart and for your ex fiance and his stability. *hug*


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## perlanga (Aug 8, 2011)

Thank you so much, I feel so very loved. These past few days I've just been feeling kinda in a daze, I don't think I've really absorbed it all.


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## divadoll (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear but I'm glad you decided to break away while there were no children involved.  It's very hard to have a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, especially someone who's not responding to their meds.  My DH's father was schizophrenic, his mom went thru a lot of pain and heartache having him in her life when he wanted to be there.   He had gone undiagnosed for most of his life.  His father (my DH's grandfather) had suspected but had never really tried to get him some help.  He robbed a bank when my husband was just a baby.  He didn't really meet his dad until he was 4yrs old.  He says it was because he was jobless, his mom had said it was to impress another woman.  We used to get reports of him living on the street. 

It was also very hard on their son (my DH) as a child.  It got to a point where his Dad didn't even know he was sick, he thought everyone was after him. He was so convinced that he was convincing to those that didn't really know him.  About 10 years ago, he was arrested for trying to set someone's house on fire.  He was jailed after he was caught setting a gas station on fire.  We all had to write letters to make sure that the "Justice System" kept him in jail for as long as possible for him to get treatment.   They sentenced him to 2 yrs prison.  He had convinced the lawyer that we were going to put up our house as bond for his release!  I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack when I heard it from the lawyer.   He passed away 2 months ago of a long battle with cancer.

I know it is hard now but I think you are getting a better life in the end.


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## musingmuse (Aug 9, 2011)

I agree with diva, it's tough to let go, but it is for the best.








> Originally Posted by *divadoll* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> I'm so sorry to hear but I'm glad you decided to break away while there were no children involved.  It's very hard to have a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, especially someone who's not responding to their meds.  My DH's father was schizophrenic, his mom went thru a lot of pain and heartache having him in her life when he wanted to be there.   He had gone undiagnosed for most of his life.  His father (my DH's grandfather) had suspected but had never really tried to get him some help.  He robbed a bank when my husband was just a baby.  He didn't really meet his dad until he was 4yrs old.  He says it was because he was jobless, his mom had said it was to impress another woman.  We used to get reports of him living on the street.
> 
> ...


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## divadoll (Aug 9, 2011)

He also became violent towards my DHs mom (his wife).  He was convinced she was cheating on him and had held a gun to her head at one time. My DH was an older teen and was able to wrestle the gun away and get his mom away from his dad. ...its definitely not a warm family memory.  You would not only be afraid for your children but for yourself as well.  

I wish you the best.  If you take anything from my story, I'm sure you know that what you've done is for the best.


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## Bonnie Krupa (Aug 9, 2011)

wow was a sad story  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />  So sorry to hear.  I also agree with Diva.  You just gotta take it day by day.  It will get easier and easier. 

wow diva that's a tragic story and scary


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## perlanga (Aug 9, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for their support, I have lost so many friends in all of this, so it's nice seeing people on my side. We have many mutual friends who felt that I have turned my back on him, when he needed me the most


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## divadoll (Aug 9, 2011)

Then let them comfort him...  He may need you but you have your own life to think about too.

When my father in law was being released from prison, his dad's wife (my DH's grampa's wife) called me to let us know and she suggested that I could maybe help him look for a place near us.  LOL.  I countered back that he always liked her area better so maybe she could look out for a place for him.  She didn't mention it again  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> 

Everyone's all good when they know its someone else's problem.  Let them deal with it. My DH's uncle - (brother to my DH's father) would call us to keep us updated on the bizarre things that he would do but never lift a finger to help his own brother.  It got to the point when we told them that we don't want to know anything more.  We did not hear any news for years until he was diagnosed with lung cancer. 



> Originally Posted by *perlanga* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> We have many mutual friends who felt that I have turned my back on him, when he needed me the most


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## perlanga (Aug 10, 2011)

That how his family is, they were so quick to criticize how I handled the situation, I'm glad they are experiencing what I was as his primary care taker. Thank you again everyone!


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## Ingrid (Aug 10, 2011)

Perlanga I am not the type of person to judge anybody especially when I've never been in the situation that you have been going through. But how long has his illness got out of hand? cause in your first post you said months, if I were you I would give him more time and see if there is any improvement, if I were with a guy for six years it would be very hard for me to walk away knowing that at this very moment he probably needs me the most, if you walk away from him right now when he is at his worst I am afraid that would make his illness worsen rather than getting better. But then again at the end of the day, I understand it is you who have to make the final decision and you too have to care about your own happiness and to start a family etc, but do you think this is the right time to let go of everything especially after a 6 year relationship?


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## divadoll (Aug 11, 2011)

Honestly, it is easier to do this now than if she were to be pregnant tomorrow.  My DH had also show signs but he is on meds and is responding.  I just have to police that he stays on it.  Mentally ill think its the other person who is sick. Many will blame their spouses for whatever they were insecure about.  

 I think if I knew of this before we were married and had children and how hard it would be at times, I would have left too.   When he was off meds, I worry for my children and you have to walk a fine line that when you see personality changes to ask if he took his pill today or not and then judging whether he lied to you or not.  He just got back on meds after he decided to skip them for a year.  I was at my breaking point until we reached a turning point where I was able to talk to him when he was reasonable.  If this didn't happen, I would have left 2 months ago.  

It is a trial and error with medications and it could stop working at any time then you start again.  It can also get worst.  He could be violent towards her.  
 

Quo Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Perlanga I am not the type of person to judge anybody especially when I've never been in the situation that you have been going through. But how long has his illness got out of hand? cause in your first post you said months, if I were you I would give him more time and see if there is any improvement, if I were with a guy for six years it would be very hard for me to walk away .  knowing that at this very moment he probably needs me the most, if you walk away from him right now when he is at his worst I am afraid that would make his illness worsen rather than getting better. But then again at the end of the day, I understand it is you who have to make the final decision and you too have to care about your own happiness and to start a family etc, but do you think this is the right time to let go of everything especially after a 6 year relationship?


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## musingmuse (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't think time will help. I don't think there is a cure for paranoid schizophrenia. Only temporary relief that medications provide.

I'm not schizophrenic, but I was self-destructive when I was 15, and was prescribed a very small dose of risperidone, the drug used for treatment of schizophrenia.

Anyway, drugs like that come with so many SIDE EFFECTS and not just sexual dysfunction. Ahhh. it's awful. It gives you tremors, muscle ache...sleepy...always tired...like a vegetable.

I think Perlanga did the best she could. Her bf will never be normal again.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> I am so sorry to say this, but paranoid schizophrenia is so serious, men kill their wives and children.

A man in our province killed his wife and 3 kids...he suffered from mental illness, delusional, and most likely schizophrenic. 



> Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Perlanga I am not the type of person to judge anybody especially when I've never been in the situation that you have been going through. But how long has his illness got out of hand? cause in your first post you said months, if I were you I would give him more time and see if there is any improvement, if I were with a guy for six years it would be very hard for me to walk away knowing that at this very moment he probably needs me the most, if you walk away from him right now when he is at his worst I am afraid that would make his illness worsen rather than getting better. But then again at the end of the day, I understand it is you who have to make the final decision and you too have to care about your own happiness and to start a family etc, but do you think this is the right time to let go of everything especially after a 6 year relationship?


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## musingmuse (Aug 11, 2011)

I've been given Risperdal, Effexor, Zoloft, Paxil, Adderall, Klonopin, Ativan, Cymbalta...and various birth controls that claimed to help with mood swings.

now on something that actually works for me with very few side-effects... called Lexapro (Cipralex in Canada).

Took me 10 years to find the one.

But the best medication...for me.. is definitely...exercising outdoors or at the gym.

Ugh. I wish we had free support groups for adults. I went to one in hospital and it was awful/boring experience, plus the waitlist and nothing after 5.30pm.



> Originally Posted by *divadoll* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> It is a trial and error with medications and it could stop working at any time then you start again.  It can also get worst.  He could be violent towards her.


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## divadoll (Aug 11, 2011)

They were just upset that they now have to do all that work.  

My father in law had found a book that he had related to so he sent us photocopies of it, wrote himself into that book.  I don't remember the title because we threw it away.  My husband was relieved that he died so he can remove the burden of being his keeper.  

Its hard for the children.  I think Perla wanted kids someday, that would not be something you want to knowingly put on their shoulders. 



> Originally Posted by *perlanga* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> That how his family is, they were so quick to criticize how I handled the situation, I'm glad they are experiencing what I was as his primary care taker. Thank you again everyone!


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## perlanga (Aug 11, 2011)

He first got ill two years for about 3 months then it went away with treatment, then in December his illness came back with a fury and has not gone away.

His illness is very severe, he hears voices coming from the tv, radio, the wind, even his car engine! He says he can see demons and has become so hypereligious that quaity of life is pretty much gone, he prays for he majority of the day. He will kneel at random times wherever he is and just start praying, grocery store, family party, parking lots, work, etc. He says he is on a misson to become the next the Next St.Michael and will lead god's next fight against satan. He lost his job because the employer was concerned for his and others safety.

As far as behavior directed towards me, he constantly says that I am cheating. He's convinced that my family is a coven of witches and we have cast a spell on him and his family. He accuses me and others of trying to plot to kill him and says he's going to purchase a gun.

There is no quality of life here, whatsoever.



> Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Perlanga I am not the type of person to judge anybody especially when I've never been in the situation that you have been going through. But how long has his illness got out of hand? cause in your first post you said months, if I were you I would give him more time and see if there is any improvement, if I were with a guy for six years it would be very hard for me to walk away knowing that at this very moment he probably needs me the most, if you walk away from him right now when he is at his worst I am afraid that would make his illness worsen rather than getting better. But then again at the end of the day, I understand it is you who have to make the final decision and you too have to care about your own happiness and to start a family etc, but do you think this is the right time to let go of everything especially after a 6 year relationship?


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## Ingrid (Aug 11, 2011)

Oh my god I am so sorry to hear that, it is so unbelievable that such mental illness can exist. I just can't imagine what you must be feeling/going through right now. Are you relieved that you left him or are you heart broken that you lose your man of 6 years to such a horrible illness?


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## divadoll (Aug 11, 2011)

My husband's father had held a gun to his mom because he was certain she was cheating on him.  My husband had been an older teen at the time and managed to wrestle the gun away.   Just move forward and never look back.  He'll end up killing you and your entire family later if you are too close. 
 



> Originally Posted by *perlanga* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> He first got ill two years for about 3 months then it went away with treatment, then in December his illness came back with a fury and has not gone away.
> 
> ...


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## perlanga (Aug 12, 2011)

I'm relieved, because that illness is so mentally exhausting. I started to feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown earlier this year. Yet, at the same time I miss the "real" him, the man who I love, who I feel is trapped inside this illness.
 



> Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Oh my god I am so sorry to hear that, it is so unbelievable that such mental illness can exist. I just can't imagine what you must be feeling/going through right now. Are you relieved that you left him or are you heart broken that you lose your man of 6 years to such a horrible illness?


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## VintageKoha (Aug 12, 2011)

My family had a similar problem with my grandmother.
 



> Originally Posted by *perlanga* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> That how his family is, they were so quick to criticize how I handled the situation, I'm glad they are experiencing what I was as his primary care taker. Thank you again everyone!


 After her husband passed away (he became ill and when hospitalized he refused to eat and simply gave up living. Ironically I think I know why now.) I moved up to help take care of her- after three months she switched from me being the best thing since peaches to thinking I was plotting to kill her and becoming violent. I moved with my fiance (now husband) and refused to go near her. My mother took her in and helped her move and took over taking care of her and the same thing happened- about six months in my grandmother became violent and attacked her leaving her covered in bruises (my mother went to the police but it's like saying you were abused by your kid- no one believes you over the "harmless" old lady.) From there last I heard she moved in with my uncle and after several months she attacked his daughter's baby and was found wandering around the street with blood on her. I've not heard what happened after that though I heard that she asked to move in with my great Aunt (my mother and I had begged her for help at one point but she said that my grandmother seemed perfectly fine and that we were obviously the ones to blame.) And my aunt begged us to do something. (We simply laughed and told her that grandma seemed perfectly fine and refuse to speak to her. I feel bad for doing this but my mom and I aren't emotionally capable of ever dealing with her again and it hurt us badly to have family members we had always respected to simply turn their back on us.)



> Has anyone ever been in a situation, where you and someone just couldn't be together, for reasons you really couldn't control? How did you deal with it?


 It's hard to deal with this because you can't in any way really control it- no matter how hard you try. People on the outside who don't experience the hurt think that you are giving up on the person, that you ARE the enemy, that it's your fault. It's hard to deal with it because usually there isn't that much support from the people you rely on to back you up. The only thing I can recommend is to do as you are doing- find support here where people understand, take care of yourself FIRST now, it's hard to make a change for yourself but now it's needed. Do things that make you happy- even little things like sitting down to watch a favorite movie while drinking your favorite hot drink and eating monumental amounts of fresh cookies that you dyed funny colors. Hang out with friends who support you. Take a small vacation day and go do something fun. Do something you've never done before and meet new people.  It helps. Doing fun spontaneous things can take your mind of of the hurt. It's been nearly two years since my grandmothers change and It still hurts and upsets me. I think it mainly upsets me because I know she continues to hurt others because her lies are so very believable and it's so easy to fall into the trap of supporting them.

My way of dealing with this is.... different than what I think most people do. To me- my loved one died the moment that she was no longer "HERSELF". I have a "shrine" dedicated to the grandma I knew and loved along with pictures of other family members that I've lost. On Christmas I light a candle for each one. I wish the vibrant old lady who dyed her hair purple with me and went clubbing with me was still "alive", that she was still HERE, that I could call her and chat with her about how awesome a mural I saw was or something. I really wish that- but the person I KNEW isn't that person anymore. It happens- sometimes it hurts more than others and we don't know how to handle it but eventually we all find a way that helps us cope.  Mental illness is in my opinion the most damaging illness that can ever happen and the most hurtful to the family that stands by the side of one who suffers.

Over time you will feel better- but until then there are wounds that need to be taken care of and set to their way of healing in your heart. Do things that "heal" and things will get easier as you go.

EDITED- because I guess it wasn't clear that I was indeed answering the question asked in my own roundabout way.


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## VintageKoha (Aug 12, 2011)

EDITED- nevermind. too off topic.


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## xina751 (Aug 12, 2011)

hi perlanga...you don't know me and definitely don't have to follow my advice...but you asked just how to go about dealing with getting over him and moving on. after reading all the responses, i realized everyone got so wrapped up in his illness that everyone forgot about what you asked. i went thru a terrible breakup with a guy who was very abusive and i suspected some sort of narcissism or anti social personality issues in him....infact i still think he's going undiagnosed with something because he is the type of guy who leads two lives, compulsive liar, and very very threatening.

basically how i got over all of that was by drastically cutting myself off from him. i moved from southern CA back up to Northern CA to be with my parents. i changed my phone number. i blocked all his online access to me. and then i thru my focus into myself. i was working full time then, working out five days a week, and being as social as humanly possible with friends and family. distance and distraction works wonders to heal. and in all the effort of working on myself, the following year i found a wonderful guy and am now married. when you take care of you everything else falls into place.

and even though you may moarn what you could have had with him, it's better to concentrate on the reality of what has happened to him. susceptibility to schizophrenia often have a genetic predisposition, and then trauma can really trigger it but even without the military trauma. it could have developed in him anyway with either some other trauma or he could have had a huge genetic component. schizophrenia so extremely familial and could have put future children at risk for mental disturbances. consider yourself lucky to have dodged the bullet now and i'm sure you will find the true happiness that you seek, there is someone for everyone.


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## Ricciolina (Aug 13, 2011)

I'm so sorry!! That's difficult and very traumatic. Nobody realizes how difficult it is until they are dealing with it themselves. My half brother is paranoid schizophrenic and the illness caused so much heartache in my family... we simply couldn't care for him anymore and had to put him in a program because we couldn't risk any of us getting hurt or him bringing bad news home. I had a friend who is a psychiatrist tell me I need to be there for him more, do more... but they don't realize how difficult that is, especially when you're constantly putting your own life in danger each time!! 

It's not fair to have to live through something like that for either the person sick or who ever is trying to care for them. It takes away from the quality of life and is so painful. I've cried numerous times over him, and I can only imagine your pain. I wish you the best and him the best.


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## perlanga (Aug 13, 2011)

^^^^Thanks for your comments, it's comforting to know others understand my dillema in the relationship.


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## Kirsten822 (Aug 14, 2011)

Perlanga,

I want first to tell you how sorry I am for everything that you are going through...I know that your pain is immense and right now you feel as if you have no where to turn.  But I can promise you that you will realize that you are stronger than you ever knew you were, and this decision while heartbreaking now will be the best thing for you both in the long run.  You may have "lost" friends through this, but those people will soon know that you are not doing this to hurt him, but to save yourself.  And that's what you need to do.

I can understand your situation, I ended an engagement of nearly 5 &amp; 1/2 years...knowing that it wasn't going to work...but loving him nonetheless...and its traumatic.  You have to get up everyday and get through that day and then do it all over again the next day....and simply remember, you can get through this. I promise...one day you will not feel like this anymore.

You will both be in my thoughts and prayers, but know that you are made the right decision.

Take Care....


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## Razzledazzle (Sep 12, 2011)

> and even though you may moarn what you could have had with him, it's better to concentrate on the reality of what has happened to him...i'm sure you will find the true happiness that you seek, there is someone for everyone.



Exactly what she said. Can't imagine having to both mourn an end of a relationship, and the feeling that you have lost "the real person" because of his illness. But I truely hope, regardless of friends you will have lost from this, that you can move on and find a bit of happiness, and that you have a tight support network. Breaking up sucks. In terms of moving on, yes concentrate on the reality. Appreciate what you once had with him, what he would have taught you as a person, let yourself break down, but know that what once was there isn't there anymore.


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## tangerinex3 (Sep 12, 2011)

My deepest sympathy for you and your fiancee. . . [not that anyone passed away, but more than sorry about this situation] 

It's very sad to know that the War has not only killed people on contact but also families that are back home and dealing with tragedies themselves. **sigh**

All in all, it seems like for the best, Perlanga. ONLY because someone with that high intensity belief of you plotting to hurt him is just out of the question to deal with, for both. It's hard. [As for him praying at any given time might not be such a bad thing, but wanting to become a holy being is not up to him and really interesting that he is so adamant about it.] I agree with the girls on taking the reality of all this and stay strong. . . God has a plan for you and him. Hoping you find peace of mind in knowing you are cared for and will find happiness again.


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