# I probably shouldn't talk about this but..



## charish (Jan 13, 2007)

ok, well i've held this in for the longest and i just don't know what to do. my husband doesn't even like me being on anything like this online. well as i have said before i've talked about my really bad pms. well i've thought for a few yrs. that its really pmdd. i go back to the dr. next month so i'm going to talk to him about it. well, my husband doesn't make things any better. whether i'm pmsing or not he can be just so mean and thoughtless to me. he has a bad temper and makes me feel like my feelings don't matter at all to him. i think that most of the time when i'm feeling depressed it's b/c of him, or if not the way he makes me feel just makes it much worse. and i've told him that when i'm feeling like that and the things that he says to me, that if i didn't have my kids i would rather be dead. i know that's kind of harsh but that's how i feel. sometimes i just wonder if it would be better if i were to just die. i know that my kids would miss me(my oldest just turned 5 and yougest 21months), but the way he makes me feel is i'm not too sure how much he would. we haven't had much moments of intamencies since my last son was born, and before my first it was pretty much all the time. i think that could have some to do with it, along with him working all the time, my problems, and i'm pretty much stuck at the house almost 24/7. sorry i know this is long, but i live out of state from my family and close friends i grew up with. i have nowhere to go. and i can't tell my parents. i don't know what to do except to suck it up and try to get over it like always.


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## luxotika (Jan 13, 2007)

This may sounds cliche, but have you tried counseling? Not marriage counseling, but just for yourself. Someone who you could talk to one on one and tell them how you are feeling. This is something you shouldn't ignore. Talking about killing yourself is no small matter, and maybe if you talked to someone who is a professional, you would feel a bit better about the situation you are in. When you go talk to your regular doctor, as if he/she can give you a referral. Hope everything works out for you.


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## charish (Jan 13, 2007)

well i had problems growing up, but my dad's way back then was all i needed was God. it's not that i would actually kill myself and i don't want to really leave this world w/o seeing my kids grow up. but if i didn't have them and how hopeless and depressed i get, i sometimes would much rather be dead, or just something to just not feel like this. when i think about it, it's not really death i want , even though at those certain times i feel like it is. but just to feel happy and like i really mean something to him, that we're not still together b/c of the kids. he tells me a lot that he doesn't like me, that when the boys turn 18 he's leaving me. but i don't know if he really means it. i try not to let him see me cry, and when i do he tells me to stop crying, or go cry to someone who cares. it's not everyday, just a few times out of the month or so. i just don't know what to do. i don't have insurance, so if i were to get help it would have to be affordable. i tried to kind of talk to him tonight and ask him why he's so mean to me , but he wouldn't answer. we had a fight last night and well it's a long story, i don't even know how it started. he just blows up at me like overly gets mad about stuff. i'm not trying to make him look bad, like a bad husband, i just don't know what it is. if we're out in public, i have to watch what i do or say so that i don't embarrass him or make him mad.


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## sarahgr (Jan 13, 2007)

I definately agree that something has to be done...counseling might be a good idea?!...There is no doubt though that something is wrong if your husband makes you feel that way...it could also be that you have an underlying depression from when you had your second child that you never got over?..Its good that you are going to see your doctor, he should be able to help you out with some suggestions. One thing is for sure though, its not going to help to just take "happy pills" because alot of the problems probably have somehting to do with you and husbands relationship...I hope you feel better  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />...You have alot to live for it might just not seem that way right now!


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## charish (Jan 13, 2007)

thanks, yeah when i was pregnant i felt like this too. for some reason i still do on ocassions every month. i know something isn't right, but i know that it's not all me either. i surely don't want to be on meds. for the rest of my life. i just want to feel happy and normal. i also had post pardom depression pretty bad. i don't just mean baby blues, but real depression and may be a little more, that lasted for a long time. my son had surgery for spina bifida at 4 and 1/2 months and that's when it really got bad. i drink almost every night before i go to bed , it makes me sleep better and stuff. i use to hardly ever drink and work out all of the time, but now i hardly even do that. but i'm trying to get back on track.


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## makeupchicky (Jan 13, 2007)

charish - i'm sorry to hear about your problem. i know it's hard and i can't offer any good advice, but please know that you're not alone. you have 2 adorable boys (i saw in your profile) and you should feel blessed to have such beautiful children. i know how you feel about not wanting to be alive. there have been a few times when i felt that way because it seemed so much easier to just leave all your problems behind. but then i think again...imagine how sad and devastated my family and friends would be? it wouldn't be fair to them, and in your case, it definitely wouldn't be fair to your boys. you have so much to live for.

lastly, can i ask...do you still love your husband and want to be with him? i'm not encouraging you to leave him, but i just wonder if you would be happier without him. i hope i did not offend you. either way, i wish you the best of luck and i am sure that things will work out for you.


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## jessimau (Jan 13, 2007)

Charish, does your husband have insurance? If you have any kind of medical insurance, there may be some type of behavioral health coverage and you can call and ask. If not, I'm sure there are some services scaled for income and if you need help finding them I'll do my best to help you. It does sound like counseling would be a good idea for you and maybe eventually for you and your husband together. Right now the most important thing is that you take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Feeling so hopeleess that you wish you were dead is a big deal and going to someone, even just to talk, may help you get some of that hope back. A good start to figuring out what's wrong is going to a therapist for a diagnosis. Then you can figure out treatment and may be able to avoid the need for medications. Please let me know if you'd like my help finding someone.


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## charish (Jan 13, 2007)

thank you and no , no offense. i know what you mean. i don't think i could actually kill myself, and i don't wanna die, but it's just at those moments that i feel like that. but on another note, i started this morning so i think that's why i was feeling so bad. and i do love my husband, but i don't feel we're as close as we use to be. not for a long time. but he's almost constantly working with his company.

thank you, we don't have insurance, but i really think i have pmdd. i started this morning which i've said already above. so i think that's what was wrong. next month i have an appt. with the dr. at the healthe dept. so i'm going to see what he thinks it is. i've been to a dr. before, but i didn't know what it was. and now i have even symptoms, sometimes they're more extreme than others. but i feel fine now, or better than i did yesterday. and i don't know if this iud i have in me has anything to do with it either. i never did get dizzy before. and when i use to pms, i didn't get this depressed and tired all of the time, so i'm thinking that it might partly be the iud. i'm just scared to get it taken out. my periods are nothing but i have them about every 2 to 2 1/2 weeks, but in between that time i'm sometimes only fine for a few days.


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## enyadoresme (Jan 14, 2007)

i have bad PMS really bad but slightly better than your situation since i don't have a significant other to deal with daily. When I find I am going to crazy I have a cig (not a good habit I know) and take a walk. Beleive me it helps...and as for counseling...ugh...to me its useless: journaling is better. I write stuff and generally don't read it but it relaxes me. Sitting there and having someone ask you "How do you feel" constantly irks me.


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## rlise (Jan 14, 2007)

Oh god ! your situation sounds ALMOST identical to mine. however i am not married but might as well be we have 2 boys as well! but my BF is like that. Its like when he talks to me even if he isnt mad its like he has no respect for me and you can tell by the way he talk to me. other times its like he is daddy and im the daughter he is yellin at. I wish i could give you some adivce but i have none as i dont know what to do either. i mean we have 2 apparent options here. Stay and just deal with BS no matter what or leave and eventually be happy and not have to hear BS anymore. Myabe its a guy thing, when a guy settles down and has kids and the woman stays home well thats exactly your life and nothing else. the guy expects us too stay home w/ kids all the time and then gets mad because we want some free time or some alone time with our man. men just dont get it , no clue why. i do however wish you the best of luck , i know its hard but you have to be the mature one. ya know esp if your guy is acting like a damn child about things. if you ever need to talk PM me anytime !


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## xjackie83 (Jan 14, 2007)

Girl, just by reading your posts it sounds as if you are suffering from some form of depression and low self-esteem. It struck me that you say your husband does all these things wrong, but you don't mention leaving him you mention killing yourself. If your husband treats you the way you describe, its' only a matter of time before he starts treating your children like that too. Kids are also very sensitive. You may think you're hiding your tears from them, but they are feeling it.

It's time that you do what's best for you. It may be hard, but talk to your parents about what you're going through. You need the moral support! I agree with others that you should be getting some kind of counseling. You mentioned you don't want to be on meds for the rest of your life. Don't let that thought control you! Going on medicine can be scary, I've been there. But it doesn't have to be a lifelong thing. Also, stop with the alcohol. It's a temporary solution that's just going to cause more problems.


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## charish (Jan 14, 2007)

thanks for the advice everyone. i'm going to try to talk to him tonight if i get to see him before i leave. i don't know what's going on with him, but i know i would feel a lot better if he would act better. and don't worry, i'm not going to hurt myself, my children are too important to me, i could never leave them.


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## jessimau (Jan 15, 2007)

I'm glad to hear you're not going to hurt yourself and that you're going to try to talk to him. I agree that you should probably stop with the alcohol because you could become dependent on its use to fall asleep. Also, do some research on IUDs...I think that they can aggravate depression in some women who are prone to it. I know that my PMS was worse when I was on oral contraceptives and since I've gone off I don't get anywhere near as irritable when it's that time of the month.


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## Little_Lisa (Jan 15, 2007)

Ohhh, Charish, i'm so sorry you're going through this and wish there was something I could do.

I'm glad you're going to the doctor and want you to know i'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

*HUGS*

LL


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## charish (Jan 15, 2007)

thanks, yeah i know when i was on the pill i was more irritable, so it could be part of everything. it's weird one month i won't be that bad and the next it's just awful, i hate it when i'm like that(really angry, or depressed), it's not me. i'm usually a pretty happy and calm person. sometimes i want to get the iud taken out , but i'm scared on how things will be after it's out, before my periods were really heavy and i cramped bad. that and i'm afraid of getting pregnant again, i know there are other mothods of birth control, but i don't know how well they'll work and i can't take the pill or anything like it. so i'll just see what my dr. thinks.

thank you lisa .


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## Lyndebe (Jan 15, 2007)

could it be post partum depression? You are being abused, maybe not physically, or at least I hope not, but psychologically and emotionally. Maybe you can contact an abuse center for help.


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## charish (Jan 15, 2007)

i had post pardom depression, but this is i'm almost positive pmdd. i've done research on it, and my symptoms and everything match to all of the signs. but well i kept asking him again last night why he's been so mean to me and like he told me the other day b/c i woke him up like 4 or 5 nights ago starting with him. ok well this is the story. all he does is play his video game online when he's here, which is fine. well i thought that he was still in the living room. so i came out to see him and he's gone. he's been doing this lately, just going in there(my boys) bed. i thought he just went in there so i went in there and said "hey you can't tell me goodnight"? so i guess he's mad at me for that b/c i started it. i told him that i couldn't believe he's so mad about that, and that was like i think wed. night. i just told him that if he's going to go to bed in there he could at least tell me so that i don't think he's out there with the kids. and it would be nice for him to tell me goodnight and turn off the tv if no one is using it. but whatever it's still my fault. i just can't believe he's so mad over something so stupid. but i'm ok now, i just still feel a little bad about the whole situation.


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## jennycateyez (Jan 15, 2007)

so sorry your going through this i really am. i know exactly what ur going through (been there) and it's really hard... i suck at advice but if u ever need to talk please please please pm me!


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## charish (Jan 15, 2007)

thanks jenny,and i love your avatar picture. i just talked to him on the phone a little while ago and he said he loved me so i think i'm gonna just drop it and try to justget over it, it's not the first time and i'm sure it won't be the last. he's got this friend who's working for him now and i mean he's nice but has his own issues and i'm not too sure if he's a good influence on ryan, but they've been friends since they were kids. but the way he snap at me one night reminded me just like how i saw his friend snapped at his girlfriend one night. so whatever.


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## jessimau (Jan 15, 2007)

Charish, do you know which online video game it is? My boyfriend plays a bunch of them and sometimes when he gets really wrapped up in one he forgets about the world around him. I mean he'll be sitting in the same room as me &amp; his roommate and we'll say something and he doesn't even hear us. I end up feeling neglected a lot when he focuses so much of his attention on the game. I know my boyfriend will do things that I consider to be inconsiderate, but he's trying to be considerate by not waking me up really late or something like that. Can you sit your husband down and tell him what you need from him when you're feeling depressed? Maybe tell him that you're trying to be more aware of it and not take out all your frustrations on him, but you need him to spend a little more time with you so that you feel his love more? I've had to sit my BF down and tell him "I know you say you love me, and you think that's a great way to express it, but I need to *feel* it -- I need you to stop/pause the game when I come over, get up and hug me, and ask about my day." It's really helped, too b/c I used to feel like I was second to his games or competing with them, but he's finally learned a balance.

I'm sorry this is all happening to you and I really hope things start to get better. *HUG*


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## charish (Jan 15, 2007)

thanks, i think its gears of war. i try to talk to him, but it just makes him mad. but oh, well i'm use to it, it doesn't really bother me as much as it use to. but it would be nice if he could tell me good night and let me know he's going in our kids room to go to bed. that and help me out at night so that i can go to bed too.


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