# What would you do if your boyfriend did that? Please help



## Leila Hamilton (Mar 30, 2011)

SO, I have been seeing this guy since July 2010 and I really like him. I have fell in love with him. He has a great personality, is caring, very chill to hang out with, funny and I just love him company. We have talked about having a baby together and the idea makes me really happy. I think he would be a great dad.

The downside: He is very busy with school and working so we only see each other about once a week. I am NOT cool with this. I have mentioned it in a sideways way and he hasn't really made a priority to change it. He has mentioned going on a trip together but no real plans to do it. I have been thinking of ways to have a serious conversation about it, but I don't want him to think that I want to break up with him or that I am not happy with him. 

I think I am a sweet girl and I guess I am just worried about hurting his feelings. However if he is not willing to put some more effort into seeing me more often then we will have to break up. I don't want to break up but I know what I need a once a week is not cutting it for me.

What would you say? I have so many fears and emotions welled up inside of me that I just cannot think straight. Like I said I do not want to hurt his feelings but I am not being fair to myself. I want to be with someone more often especially now that summer is coming up and I am not sure he can meet my needs.


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## bowbandit (Mar 30, 2011)

I only see my boyfriend once a month or so, and I understand (long distance).

Your guy is very busy with school, and that won't last forever. The real question is

have you actually sat him down and talked to him? Not mentioned it in a sideways

manner or hint at it, but sit down and talk like actual adults.

If you dont make it clear that he is not meeting your needs, he wont ever know.

Guys can be so obtuse sometimes. Anyways, try to make some compromises.

Obviously, he is really busy. I understand since I am in school as well. However,

he needs to make time for you every once in a while, and you might not get to see him

every single day.

If you two don't discuss it, the relationship will backfire. That's essentially what happens

to all non-communicative relationships.


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## DreamWarrior (Mar 30, 2011)

So. You've been with this guy almost a year and you cant sit down and discuss your future with him or the fact that you want more time him? Because... you dont want to hurt his feelings?

Let that sink in for a minute. 

I dont know if its my age, but Im at the point in my life that if someone cant have an open conversation about my feelings or what I want out of a relationship, Im walking out the door.  He has no time for me, well I have no time for him.

If you love him, and can accept him this way, then stay with him (and dont think twice or doubt him - and definatly dont complain about the situation).  But obviously there is something bothering you if you're questioning the relationship or his actions.

In my opinion.  He's too busy for you.  Seperate, let him finish what he's doing, and if its meant to be - you'll both find a way.  However, if you happen to meet someone who can give you what you want, and could possibly be the "real" thing, you dont want to deny yourself that opportunity becuase you were waiting around for Mr. Sensative BusyBody.


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## Dragonfly (Mar 30, 2011)

He does sound like a decent guy - but a very busy guy too.

If he has always been busy, then he is what he is.

If he has recently started not to see you as much, then that could be a problem.

I'm not sure what you would say to him except "work less or go to school less - we need more time together."

Not only will he not agree to your requests but he'll think you are needy, which all men absolutely hate.

I have a question - why don't you do more with your time - work, school, volunteer.

This way, when you both have time off, you will really appreciate time together. And you won't be sitting around waiting for him to have some free time.


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## StakeEdward (Mar 30, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *Dragonfly* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> He does sound like a decent guy - but a very busy guy too.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything about this answer. Make yourself more busy, and you won't notice as much how busy he is.

Do you think there is a lot of time in his schedule that could easily be freed up, or is it all packed with work and school? If it's the latter, then there won't be much you can do about it, and you will come off as needy if you ask him to sacrifice his school/work performance. (I know, I've been in a relationship in which I was very busy and he wasn't.) If you don't think that it's a good idea to be in a relationship with him because of how busy he is, then maybe you do need to take a break. And I definitely wouldn't recommend having a child with him until you are both settled, he is less busy (the father needs to be there just as much as the mother imo), and you both feel VERY, very secure in the relationship.


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## reesesilverstar (Mar 30, 2011)

I could tell you first hand that going to school AND working does NOT leave you much free time. Most of your free time is for working on assignments and catching up on sleep. Very little is for leisure and that's where you're fitting in right now.

Carolyn is very right that you need to find things to do with yourself. You've already realized that he's just busy with all the things on his plate. You realize he's a good guy cuz you think he'll be a good dad. So why try to stress him out further with "You don't spend enough time with me." I"m assuming he spends with you what he has left. Unless as rightly pointed out, you think he should drop school or work. Then what's supposed to happen when he's now the "inadequate provider" who's looking at you the dream killer?

Anyhow, I say all this to say, he's busy now trying to get thru school -it's not permanent. Get busy yourself so you can appreciate your time together. If there are no other flags, then you don't need to worry.


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## Amber204 (Mar 30, 2011)

I am a member of the long distance relationship as well for 2 years now and I still have 1 more year of university in the city while living in the country otherwise. It is very trying at times and we both miss being together when we are apart like crazy. As you get older you develop an understanding of the importance independence and I really don't think a relationship will last if you don't have some time apart. I had a long relationship through high school where we were attached at the hip and by the end of it I hated the dude because I had missed out on allot of things being controlled like that.

Now I am gone a few days a week and look foreward to going home so much more and realize what it is like to actually miss someone. I am always unsure of what will happen next as we are both in the mining industry but am sure that if the mine closes down we will find somewhere else to live together. It takes a ton of sacrifice to make things work but you can't give up everything that defines you as our independence is what attracted us to each other in the first place. We do get our entire summer together and we both look foreward to that immensly and many trips are planned but I still can't hardly wait to go back to school by the fall also and will miss this me time when its finally over. There is no right answer here except that there is  critical balance thing in relationships and if it is really meant to be it will surpass numerous tests over time.

Life isn't simple, we love each other and will be able to miserably spend every waking moment with each other when we retire and that will be another test of our love as well. Hope I could shed some light on the other side of the coin for you.


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## divadoll (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm feeling quite upset reading this, all of this sounds very selfish.  I think you should be glad that he is taking steps in investing in his future and possibly yours by focusing on his education.  He's income potential would be higher than someone with just a HS diploma.  You think he's going to be a great dad but kids cost a lot of $$$$.  Like what the other ladies have said, he's going to be a better dad if he can provide for his children.  He has made a large commitment to himself and probably his parents who are funding his education, it would not be reasonable nor fair for you to ask him to change his priorities to go out with you. 

How about you?  Are you going to school? 

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Leila Hamilton* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

SO, I have been seeing this guy since July 2010 and I really like him. I have fell in love with him. He has a great personality, is caring, very chill to hang out with, funny and I just love him company. We have talked about having a baby together and the idea makes me really happy. I think he would be a great dad.

The downside: He is very busy with school and working so we only see each other about once a week. I am NOT cool with this. I have mentioned it in a sideways way and he, it hasn't really made a priority to change it. He has mentioned going on a trip together but no real plans to do it. I have been thinking of ways to have a serious conversation about it, but I don't want him to think that I want to break up with him or that I am not happy with him. 

I think I am a sweet girl and I guess I am just worried about hurting his feelings. However if he is not willing to put some more effort into seeing me more often then we will have to break up. I don't want to break up but I know what I need a once a week is not cutting it for me.

What would you say? I have so many fears and emotions welled up inside of me that I just cannot think straight. Like I said I do not want to hurt his feelings but I am not being fair to myself. I want to be with someone more often especially now that summer is coming up and I am not sure he can meet my needs.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *bowbandit* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> I only see my boyfriend once a month or so, and I understand (long distance).
> 
> ...



thank you for being kind and understanding. We do communicate and we have a very open relationship in that respect. I guess I am worried because I have been quite upset about not seeing him very often and wish that we could. In the beginning of our relationship we saw each other about 3 times a week and it has slowly dwindled since then.

I guess I am trying to figure out a way to bring it up. I want to clear my thoughts before I talk to him about it. That is just the way that I am. I feel I am better able to communicate the tough stuff if I ask for advice or just give myself a day or two to think about it.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *DreamWarrior* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> So. You've been with this guy almost a year and you cant sit down and discuss your future with him or the fact that you want more time him? Because... you dont want to hurt his feelings?
> 
> ...



No, we have been together for 8 months and things have not been serious until recently. We saw each other a lot more often in the beginning. I never said he cannot have an open conversation with me. I am sorry, I must have said something wrong. I am very sensitive to peoples feelings and because I am a little frustrated about this, I am worried that I will say something wrong or make him feel guilty for something he shouldn't feel guilty about. kwim? He really is a great guy, I just need more time and I am wondering if I am being fair to him by wanting something that I am not sure he can give me right now. I really want to be patient because I do love him.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *reesesilverstar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> I could tell you first hand that going to school AND working does NOT leave you much free time. Most of your free time is for working on assignments and catching up on sleep. Very little is for leisure and that's where you're fitting in right now.
> 
> ...


Wow, I did NOT expect to get such negative responses. I never once wanted him to drop school? I am in school full time as well and I do work and have a busy social life on the side., maybe he just takes a little more time to do his assignments and he doesn't work as many hours as I do. He is self employed. I feel like If I could make more time he should be able to as well. I am not pissed off at him. I am very proud of him. Just frustrated and wishing he could be with me on those nights when I am alone and wanting his company. That is not a selfish desire. Seriously, I just wanted some advice on how to bring up a sensitive topic (for me, because I am so frustrated right now). I want to say the right thing without making him feel guilty.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *Amber204* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> I am a member of the long distance relationship as well for 2 years now and I still have 1 more year of university in the city while living in the country otherwise. It is very trying at times and we both miss being together when we are apart like crazy. As you get older you develop an understanding of the importance independence and I really don't think a relationship will last if you don't have some time apart. I had a long relationship through high school where we were attached at the hip and by the end of it I hated the dude because I had missed out on allot of things being controlled like that.
> 
> ...


 That was very very helpful. Thank you. I definitely do not want to spend every free moment with him but an extra day or evening or even just an hour to have coffee together would be sufficient. I am an independent person and really cherish my alone time but I like to have that balance,too.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *divadoll* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> 
> I'm feeling quite upset reading this, all of this sounds very selfish.  I think you should be glad that he is taking steps in investing in his future and possibly yours by focusing on his education.  He's income potential would be higher than someone with just a HS diploma.  You think he's going to be a great dad but kids cost a lot of $$$$.  Like what the other ladies have said, he's going to be a better dad if he can provide for his children.  He has made a large commitment to himself and probably his parents who are funding his education, it would not be reasonable nor fair for you to ask him to change his priorities to go out with you.
> ...



I am very glad that he is taking steps to invest in his future. I never once wanted or even thought about suggesting that he quit school. There is a lot of blaming going on here. Like I said, I never wanted him to not have a life and spend every waking minute at my side. Another day, evening or a lunch date a week would be great.

Yes, I am going to school and I work full-time. Thanks.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *reesesilverstar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> I could tell you first hand that going to school AND working does NOT leave you much free time. Most of your free time is for working on assignments and catching up on sleep. Very little is for leisure and that's where you're fitting in right now.
> 
> ...



I understand working full time and going to school. I am doing it myself. I think I take a little less time to do my school work and I have time to socialize. I have plenty of things to keep me busy otherwise a great guy like him would not be interested in dating me. A lot of speculation is going on here on your part. I am not a dream killer. Wow, I did not expect so many negative responses.

I can here asking for advice on what to say to him. We have a great relationship but I do not want to bring this up without having a clear idea of waht I am going to say. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings and I want him to know how special he is to me but I need a little more time especially if we are talking about having a future together. I spent a lot of time dating guys who really had no interest in getting married (although they would say they did to keep me around) and I do not want to waste anymore time. I def think he is the one but I cannot say for sure until we have some more time together which I think is possible because I am in the same boat as him and I can make time.


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## Leila Hamilton (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *Dragonfly* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> He does sound like a decent guy - but a very busy guy too.
> 
> ...



He did have more time with me in the beginning and that is where some of my frustration comes from. I mean, he had like 3 days a week for me and now it's once a week. That bothers me.

I am very busy with my time - school full time, work full-time, social activities, church, exercise, and just regular life responsibilities. and I have a kid. I am very busy. lol.


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## divadoll (Mar 31, 2011)

I think it was how you worded your original post.  Your original post appears to be an 'all or nothing' situation despite your first paragraph of how great he is.  You were going to break up with him if he didn't change his priorities.   Keep in mind that when you ask questions to people that you don't know, you will get advice that you may not have wanted to hear. 

I'm sure that at the beginning, he was pushing aside school/work and everything else to spend more time with you.  Now he can't keep putting that aside and his time with you now has to give.  3 days a week to spend with you is 43% of the entire week.  When I was going to school, I worked 3 x9 hr shifts so my weekend - fri, sat and sun were out of the question.  I went to school 5 days a week from 8-4pm and group projects and homework took 3 nights of my wk.  I had 1 night to spend with my bf (now husband of 14 yrs) sometimes I would just drive over to his apartment and jump into his bed at 2am and go to sleep.  I'd wake up at 5am and go home and sleep some more.  He went to school as well and we had no children.  I really don't know where you can even fit a bf if you had a child, much less one to spend 3 days with.


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## Darla (Mar 31, 2011)

I just think your original post sounded quite selfish while I thought his actions were about trying to improve things for a better future.


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## Dragonfly (Mar 31, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *Leila Hamilton* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Think about how you would want him to speak to you, if the situation was reversed.

You are not a mind reader so you would want him to get to the point, and be very clear with his words.

I agree that after 8 months, you want to know where you stand and what his thoughts of you are now, and going into the future.

Don't start with things like: "John", you know I really like you - so how do you feel about me?

This may make him think he might hurt your feelings, so he wont be honest with you. You do want honesty from him?

And don't tell him ahead of time that "you want to have a talk with him." Men hate this and will avoid all conversation like the plague.

Bottom line:

The next time you are together, look him in the eyes and just ask him if he still likes being with you. If he says yes (and you believe him) then tell him that you miss him and that you would like to see more of him. If he likes the idea of seeing more of you, than ask his how the two of you can work together to make this happen.

In real relationship, you have to learn to ask for what you want.


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## llehsal (Mar 31, 2011)

Darling let me tell you something.  I have been in his situation, but luckily for me I had an understanding boyfriend.  Studying an intense program while holding a full time job is very very difficult if you are not committed to doing it.  Even if you are, it's STILL difficult....I am sure it is just as hard on him because he can't meet or see you as much as he wants.  You need to understand that when people make these sacrifices its not for things that are happening today, it's preparing for their future.  I know that is what happened in MY case.  I did not choose to do both things because I wanted to upset my life and have very little time for me or my SO, it's because in today's world, the average person needs to work damn hard for anything they want if they want to live a good, comfortable life. 

Before you talk to him, think of all the late nights he is having, all the classes and projects and exams he has to prepare for, all the shit that happens in his office that he has to deal with as well, and then him not being able to see you as much.  Think about all this.  I get from you that you assume this is not just as hard for him as it is for you.  Well doll, it is...When I did my final year my SO hardly ever saw me, my co-workers and classmates saw me WAY more than him, but he knew what my goal was, he knew this was temporary, he had patience because at the end of the day, he knew that he wanted to be a part of my life regardless of what was going on.  I think you should have some faith in him, don't just leave.  This is life, these things happen.  You need to keep your eyes on the prize that waits ahead.


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## MissFortune (Mar 31, 2011)

If you're afraid to have a serious conversation with someone you've talked about having a child with because you don't want to "hurt his feelings".... well, isn't that kind of your answer right there?? Communication in a relationship is basically everything. If you can't even talk to him about the issue of spending more time together how could you expect to relationship to head in the right direction? His feelings getting hurt is the last thing that should be in your mind. You should be thinking about how to communicate yourself in the right way, yes, but like I said, if having a conversation with your boyfriend that you've obviously discussed much bigger things with already.. maybe you need to be thinking about moving on and not hurting him, but how this is hurting YOU. He's being so selfish that he has you convinced that its your fault to want to even discuss the fact that he only sees you weekly and can't open up about it. Hope things work out but maybe better things are waiting for you... if it was my boyfriend it would either be resolved or ended. No in between no games no bullshit. Sounds to me he is clearly dancing around the subject and does not WANT to talk about it. He can talk about something as huge as having a child with you, but NOT his weekly schedule?? Something doesn't add up here... Good luck.


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## llehsal (Mar 31, 2011)

Am I reading correctly when you say "He's being so selfish that he has you convinced that its your fault to want to even discuss the fact that he only sees you weekly and can't open up about it." ...I actually don't get that at all from her post that HE is making HER feel that she can't come talk to him about what is concerning her.  I think this is a kinda man I would want to keep actually, not give up so easily.  He has a job and is studying.  This equals to the much higher chance of having a more comfortable life later on. 
 



> Originally Posted by *MissFortune* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> If you're afraid to have a serious conversation with someone you've talked about having a child with because you don't want to "hurt his feelings".... well, isn't that kind of your answer right there?? Communication in a relationship is basically everything. If you can't even talk to him about the issue of spending more time together how could you expect to relationship to head in the right direction? His feelings getting hurt is the last thing that should be in your mind. You should be thinking about how to communicate yourself in the right way, yes, but like I said, if having a conversation with your boyfriend that you've obviously discussed much bigger things with already.. maybe you need to be thinking about moving on and not hurting him, but how this is hurting YOU. He's being so selfish that he has you convinced that its your fault to want to even discuss the fact that he only sees you weekly and can't open up about it. Hope things work out but maybe better things are waiting for you... if it was my boyfriend it would either be resolved or ended. No in between no games no bullshit. Sounds to me he is clearly dancing around the subject and does not WANT to talk about it. He can talk about something as huge as having a child with you, but NOT his weekly schedule?? Something doesn't add up here... Good luck.


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## reesesilverstar (Mar 31, 2011)

Okay, wait, I was "harsh" and "negative" and warranted TWO responses? For doing what? Trying to HELP and put things into perspective (which is what this forum and asking for advice is all about) but...

Good luck with your relationship...  &lt;---That's me being harsh and negative


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## divadoll (Mar 31, 2011)

LOL! Some people just want to hear what they want to hear.  It doesn't mean they are going to listen to reason nor reality. 



> Originally Posted by *reesesilverstar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Okay, wait, I was "harsh" and "negative" and warranted TWO responses? For doing what? Trying to HELP and put things into perspective (which is what this forum and asking for advice is all about) but...
> 
> Good luck with your relationship...  &lt;---That's me being harsh and negative


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## Johnnie (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry you're having a hard time but I agree 100% with llehsal. Keep your chin up  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## TMarie (Apr 1, 2011)

As women we need to stop talking around the things that are upsetting to us.  You should be direct with him and tell him that you love to spend time with him and that you would like to see him more often.  There is nothing wrong with letting him know that you enjoy his company.  If he can find more time in his busy schedule to spend time with you then I am sure he will.  However if the bottom line is he cannot commit to more time you have to learn to accept this and keep in mind that when he is not so busy he will make the time.  Good things come to those who wait, right?  As the other girls said, you need to keep yourself busy so this is not haunting you.  Also, if you make this an issue I have a feeling that you won't last.  So, to sum it up, talk to him about it and if this is the best he can give, then accept that or move on.

Good luck!


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## evvyness (Aug 27, 2012)

You need to do what is best for you and what makes you happy, because in the end it is your life.  If you feel like this relationship is not what you want and things are not going to be changing than let it go. If you feel like things can be worked out or you can find a way to be happy with things as they are than stay.  I know it is hard to walk away when you love someone. I am having a similar issue but a baby is not involved.  It hurts to walk away from someone after being with them for so long, but if it is holding you back and you are not getting what you want out of your life, something is obviously not right.  In the end the choice is yours. I wish you the best. &lt;3


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## viccckyhoang (Aug 27, 2012)

do what's best for you.. really. do it. i see my boyfriend AT LEAST 2-3 times a month. it use to be hard on me but now i'm use to it. we live fairly close but we just both have BUSY schedules... if you love him and if he loves you, i'm pretty sure that you guys can work it out TOGETHER  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> i wish you the best of luck!


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