# Finishing university? I'm not sure anymore



## veilchen (Nov 30, 2008)

Hi lovelies!

I havenâ€™t posted in ages and now I really need to vent. I feel so bad, I think Iâ€™m on the verge of a nervous breakdown â€¦

The thing is this: Iâ€™ve been working to be awarded a Ph.D. for the past four years and finally submitted my thesis a couple of months ago. Iâ€™ve had to work all the time to finance not only my everyday life but also my research, since I never got a research grant or anything, and thus I couldnâ€™t do some of the things other scholars, who get support from university or any other institution, are able to do, such as going abroad for some time to research there, go and find yet undiscovered material, etc. I know what I produced wasnâ€™t the most brilliant stuff, especially since Iâ€™ve had a hard time researching and writing the past two years (it was hard since my boss showed no understanding at all if I wanted to leave earlier or take a day off without telling her a month in advance). Sometimes I was really on the verge of giving up, but after paying study fees for such a long time and already having dedicated so much time and sweat to my research I felt I couldnâ€™t. Anyway, I had a point I wanted to prove and I thought Iâ€™d done it fairly well with the means I had.

Now, however, I was informed of my grades (we get two from two professors) and was allowed to take a look at the reports, and I couldnâ€™t believe it. One of them (the one my constant adviser gave me) was the best that could be given, and that was already a weight off my mind â€“ until I saw the second report. This was done by a professor who had not worked with me during the process and who only got to read the finished thesis, and he only just let me pass!! It cut the ground from under my feet because his criticism was really harsh â€“ not constructive, but destructive. He wrote page after page how disappointing the thesis is, how superficial and simple and basically not worthy of a Ph.D. I was devastated â€“ I mean, I know I could have done better if Iâ€™d continued working on it for another year or so, but I simply couldnâ€™t afford to do it any longer and Iâ€™m so terribly exhausted (mentally). I feel like my brain is full already and more or less paralysed. I donâ€™t have any problem with criticism and I know that he is right in some points, but the way he delivered it was an extra blow. He wrote heâ€™s sure I was very diligent and willing, yet still the result sucks. In some instances I felt personally attacked and I just donâ€™t understand why he had to be so cutting and satirical (as if he was a novel critic tearing apart a new work).

Now I also feel that the good grade from my advisor was given put of pity for the other grade, and that Iâ€™m completely stupid, unworthy and an idiot. And in four weeks Iâ€™ll have an oral exam where I have to argue against this criticism and put myself out there to be questioned about some further fields of interest I could choose. Iâ€™m already so afraid â€“ what if this professor just has a malicious nature and tears me from limb to limb during the exam? It will be no effort for him to do so, Iâ€™m sure â€¦ I know that I donâ€™t know everything and that Iâ€™m no genius, but I worked hard for all this and put all my heart into it. And then this â€¦ Iâ€™m already studying so hard for the exam but I feel I know nothing. And how to argue against this criticism? I donâ€™t think that the answers â€œI couldnâ€™t afford to do research abroadâ€ or â€œI couldnâ€™t incorporate the material you mentioned in the report because I canâ€™t deal with everything or the whole thesis would have had a million pagesâ€ or "sorry, I had to work at my job to earn money and just couldn't dedicate every day to my studies" count as academic argumentation â€¦ Oh, and heâ€™s not willing to discuss this, he says we can talk about everything during the exam.

I'm really at a loss what to do ... I feel I'll never pass this and I'm so afraid of this day, I could start crying right now.


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## pinksugar (Nov 30, 2008)

awww, hun, I know exactly how you must feel, since I'm doing my masters.

You've been working really hard toward this, you're almost done... just hang in there!

you probably know a lot more than you think you do! so give yourself some credit, do the best job that you know how to do, and you'll be fine! you can do it!

This is just one guy, there will be other people marking you in the exam - but read through his criticisms, and write a come back to everything he's said. If you can calmly give sensible reasons why things are written in that way, then he will just have to shut his mouth






best of luck! keep us updated!


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## Joan_CD (Nov 30, 2008)

Awwww... It sounds like this professor is someone that never worked in the real world and takes delight in controllinbg other people. Maybe you need to see your doctor and get something to help you relax until your orals. Even if he tries to tear you down.... stay calm and try to focus. Don't rise to the bait. Make him look foolish. I bet your paper is a lot better than you feel it is and he is just a jerk. Don't give up. You did so much to get this far and you can do it!!!! Hugs


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## Arielle123 (Nov 30, 2008)

I know exactly how you feel! 2 of the members of my committee took every opportunity to smash me to bits. They ripped me apart during my oral exam, ripped apart my written exam and I'm sure they'll do the same to my thesis. What I've learned from this (and from talking to lots of people including my wonderful advisor) is that PhD students are expected to know EVERYTHING, which is of course impossible. These impossible expectations are put on them and some professors take them more seriously than others.

It just sounds like you have one that takes them very seriously and takes the opportunity to rip you apart. I know how much it hurts but try to focus on the part that you passed. In the end that's all that matters. And you're smart, so smart, or else you wouldn't be where you are.

All you can do is prepare as much as you can and try your best to focus on the positives. Don't let the 'bad' professor get you down and keep your chin up!


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## veilchen (Nov 30, 2008)

Thanks so much for your positive thoughts, they've really made me smile and I feel a lot better now! It's probably really best not to let myself down because the only one who'll suffer from it will be myself. I'll try and focus on the good things instead.

Thanks again, this means so much to me!!


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## Dragonfly (Nov 30, 2008)

I haven't been in your shoes but I hope my advice has meaning.

Just prepare yourself for the meeting the best you can. Don't get discouraged - believe in yourself.

Best of luck - I know you will be successful!


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## S. Lisa Smith (Nov 30, 2008)

Everyone has given you great advice. I can only add that you should really talk to your advisor. He or she will be able to help you prepare for the orals and will give you the confidence you need to succeed!! We're here for you and we all wish you the best!!


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## Karren (Dec 1, 2008)

with everyone here!! You can do this... And being so close I wouldn't walk away from it...


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## veilchen (Dec 2, 2008)

Originally Posted by *S. Lisa Smith* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Everyone has given you great advice. I can only add that you should really talk to your advisor. He or she will be able to help you prepare for the orals and will give you the confidence you need to succeed!! We're here for you and we all wish you the best!! Thanks so much! I just made an appointment and he was very willing to talk the second report over and help me figure out how to respond to his colleague's criticism. The only negative thing is that I was informed I would have to take the exam this year, before the Christmas holidays, instead of the first week of the new year - which only gives me two more weeks to prepare instead of four.
But all your kind messages have given me a massive boost of confidence, and I hope that if I'll be able to pull myself together and not freak out it will turn out well. Thank you all!


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