# Major Relationship Crisis



## Princess6828 (Mar 25, 2007)

Okay - this might be long. I've been with Nick for four years. Engaged the majority of that time. When we met he had just gotten out of rehab (drugs) and was on probation up until last year. He's 26 now. We met when I was a senior in college. He is just now getting his Associate's degree, and I am three classes away from a Master's. I have worked just about the entire time we've been together. He has worked odd jobs on and off. Currently he has not worked AT ALL in over a year. Mind you, I work PART-TIME! I don't have tons of money. Whenever we want to do something, I have to pay for it - and I just can't sit home all the time. He usually never wants to do anything, and I have to essentially force him. Another HUGE issue is that he sleeps literally ALL THE TIME. He went to bed at 8:00 on Friday night. We spent about an hour together on Friday. He promised he would call before 12:00 on Saturday. 12:30 rolled around, and I called him. He said he would be over within the hour - so by 1:30 he should have been ringing my bell. Not so much. Not only did he never show up - he never even bothered to call. If I didn't know him better - I'd think he was seeing someone else. The sad thing is I know exactly what he was doing. He was sleeping - all day - since 8:00 the night before! I didn't hear from him until noon today. I told him I didn't want to see him. He tried apologizing, but sh*t like this happens soooo much I told him I didn't want to hear it, and didn't want to see him. Then I did call him a few hours later and said I did want him to come over - and he got all huffy. So then I talked to him again and I just blew up at him. I told him basically that he's super-pathetic. He has no job, no money, no ambition, he sleeps ALL the time, he hardly ever spends any time with me. The only time we do see each other is the weekends and somehow he always f*cks it up. I told him for four years I've been fighting him to: get up out of bed, get a job, spend time with me, see me more often, NOT sleep all the time, want to do things with me, and I'm just fed up. I dont' know what to do. Then I've been talking to my friend Donny recently - who I do have a very small "past" with. I sort of have these feelings coming back. Donny is like the total opposite of Nick - in every single way. He has a squeaky clean past, he's a NYS trooper, he has a house, a car, a boat, investments, super-nice, clean-cut guy. He's only a year older than Nick. I just feel like this is going nowhere fast with Nick. I love him - and he loves me, but love isn't everything. It's just not. I want to know that I'll have a secure future. I just don't see that happening with Nick. His parents support everything that he does - including sleeping all the time. What do I do? HELP!


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## Dragonfly (Mar 25, 2007)

There's an old expression - Just because you love each other doesn't mean you should be with each other.

It sounds like you are completely fed up with Nick. It's been 4 years and he still hasn't straightened up. I bet as long as you stay with him, he never will.

My advice, end things with Nick.

Tell Donnie you are newly single and need time so that you don't use him as a rebound (even if you want to).

Go out with Donnie casually, until you decide if you want to commit to him or you want to remain single.

Great to hear you will soon get your Masters!


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## Princess6828 (Mar 25, 2007)

Thanks. It's like everyone's been telling me this all along - but now I'm starting to realize it. I'm just so confused/upset/angry/frustrated...I could go on. I can't imagine being without Nick - but I can't imagine staying with him for the rest of my life with him like this. It would be so weird without him. All the things I'd miss.


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## Marisol (Mar 25, 2007)

I would hate to see you end things with him after you have been with him for so long. That is a lot of time and memories between the two of you. Could it be that perhaps he is depressed. I mean, it doesn't sound like he has a lot going on and maybe he feels like he isn't good enough for you. Have you suggested that he see a counselor? I would try to talk to him... really talk and let all of it. Tell him how you feel and that if things don't change then there is no future for the two of you. Don't compare him to this other guy. Give him credit were credit is due. Recovering a drug addiction is extremely hard and you should be proud of him for that. Remember the things that you love about him. What made you fall for him?

Ultimately, you want to make sure that at the end, you are with the person that makes you happy.


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## suzukigirl (Mar 25, 2007)

You are beautiful! And there is a guy who will treat you right. Just don't go looking for him, he will find you. It sounds like you have unfourtanley wasted four years of your life. Get out now, while your young. Hopefully you have no kids with him. He will never amount to anything. If I were you, when he gets a new girlfriend, let her no that He will never amount to anything, so she doesn't waste her time on him! If one of your good friends was in your shoes, you would telll them to leave in a heartbeat. So follow your own advice. It's hard but you can do it.


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## Princess6828 (Mar 25, 2007)

He's been on meds for depression/anxiety for years. He didn't even have health insurance for the past 3 years until the other day when I forced him to get it - after I basically set it up for him. He's just lazy about everything and doesn't care. It's not that he's depressed. He's just lazy. He sort of uses his past as an excuse for the "way he is". I don't know...


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## pinksugar (Mar 25, 2007)

Hmm I say take a little bit of advice from both Marisol and Carolyn. I think you should let him know that you can't be with him if he stays like this, and that you want to fix things with him. Basically, tell him if he can't change, and if he can't get help for the problems that he has, then you can't be with him.

I was wondering, how is it love when he doesn't bother to call you and let you know he's not coming over or anything like that. I have had boyfriends that did that kind of stuff and what it came down to was they didn't respect me enough or care about my feelings enough to bother to call. I gave my friends and family a lot of excuses about their behaviour, but eventually I realised they were just excuses.

He's not putting the effort in and I think you deserve more.

I'm not saying break up, I'm just saying he has to realise that you deserve more than that, and that if he can't wake up and start giving it to you then you'll be going else where, to people who can give you that kind of love and respect.

All the best hun, and congrats on your impending masters! my sister got hers a few years ago so I know how hard you must have been working. xox


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## dentaldee (Mar 25, 2007)

I personally will not stand for unmotivated people!! Justine's bf is like this too and it upsets me to think of what her future might bring...............nothing!!!!

I think love can not bare all!!!


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## dcole710 (Mar 25, 2007)

It does sound like a little more than laziness. I agree with Marisol it does sound like he is depressed and perhaps feels emasculated and intimidated by your success. Has he been regularly taking his meds? Does he regularly see a therapist? He may me crying out for help. Unfortunately you can't fix this for him and he can't be the s.o. you want/need him to be until he gets the help he needs to get himself back on track.


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## han (Mar 25, 2007)

maybe the medication he is on is makeing him sleep alot. i agree with alot that marisol had to say and feel as though you shold tell him how you feel and maybe even take a break from him to see if infact breaking up is really what you want to do... and no girl i dont blame you for thinking about your future and security. i have dated guys in the past that talk the talk but couldnt walk the walk and had no ambition what so ever and i grew very bored really quick cause im not supporting no man unless something tragic happen and hubby was sick and couldnt work.


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## emily_3383 (Mar 26, 2007)

All i can say is that i admire all your hard work and maybe you need to be with someone on your level and that wants progress.


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## pinkbundles (Mar 26, 2007)

Here's my two cents: Love is not enough to make a relationship work. You need more than that to stay happy and be content. I don't know about everyone, but I'll be first to admit that security and stability is important to me. I need to know that the bills will get paid on time. That there will be food on the table. That I'd have money to splurge (no matter how big or small) just so that I don't feel I'm just working to make ends meet. And for that to happen, my SO would have to have a job! I don't want a workaholic, but I do want someone who has ambitions.

One other thing, I'm not a needy person by nature. But, I don't like feeling like I have to work at it to get my SO's attention. I need my SO to spend enough time with me. Just the two of us. If that doesn't happen, I get really pissed off and my mind runs wild with weird, crazy thoughts and I hate that!

So I'm thinking, don't settle for anything less.


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## MindySue (Mar 26, 2007)

All I can say is im really sorry things are going this way, and it sucks that making these kind of decisions are so hard. I wish you the best of luck and I hope whatever your decision you end up happy.!


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## Saje (Mar 26, 2007)

I send you a hug. I know you love him but with love there needs to be other things for the relationship to work. And I dont know how much more slack youre willing to give him. You also have to look out for yourself. Besides, how can you expect someone who, not cant but WONT and doesnt seem to want to take care of himself, take care of you. Because thats what a relationship is. Its two sided, never one sided.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you. I'm sorry if my post didnt make sense.


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## Princess6828 (Mar 26, 2007)

Thanks for all your support everyone. I don't know what to do still. I blew up at him again last night - like really bad. Sigh...Why are relationships so hard when they're bad?


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

I went thro the same thing I basivcaly supported my ex and he slept i all the time .. talk about taking advantage huh?He wont chnaged.. I waited 7 yrs for my ex to changeClear out your private messages I cant PM U!!


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## AngelaGM (Mar 26, 2007)

You seem to be answering your own questions. It is such a difficult decision to leave a relationship with someone you love so deeply, but I believe you would be making a wise decision to leave this one sided relationship. You deserve to have someone to treat you like a princess=) If you feel the need to talk IM me=)


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## Princess6828 (Mar 26, 2007)

Done!

I don't really think there's anything wrong with him. He loves being this way, and his parents totally support it. They see absolutely nothing wrong with him sleeping for 24 hours at a time. His mom gives him money for everything. He's her baby boy (who I'm still convinced she's in love with) and she even tells him not to worry about getting a job since he's in school because she'll "take care of him". Gag. He's 26, not 16!


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## jdepp_84 (Mar 26, 2007)

Ditto. I hope everythign works out and you end up with a guy who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, which should be like a princess  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## tinktink22 (Mar 26, 2007)

i know its hard but you have to let it go. if your relationship doesnt look like a owt way street then its not goin to work


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## Andi (Mar 26, 2007)

I donÂ´t have much advice for you since I wouldnÂ´t know what to do either if I was in your position. Give it some more time and make him realize that he will have to get off his ass if he wants you to stay with him.

IÂ´m sorry you are in such a difficult situation! I hope you can find a solution for this issue. Good luck!!!


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

the vicious cycle wont change.. I waited 7 yrs..

I hope u come to your senses and realize you deserve better


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## H1baby (Mar 26, 2007)

I was in a similar situation but had a baby too. I was with him 9 years on and off. Broke up alot due to me getting tired of his crap. His parents also took up for him. His Mom even told me he HAD to have more sleep than everyone else that his body required it. lmao. On the 6th year I actually married him. Can you believe that. Crazy...... I had the baby and didn't want her to have a step dad. He was always on workers comp. and laid home all day while I worked. I even had to hire a babysitter because he couldn't sleep and watch the baby. OMG It would take me all day to tell you the stories. YOU have to want to get out or it won't work. As I said I broke up with him several times but the last time I felt it in my heart that it was over and I never looked back. He now owes me 14,000.00 in child support because HE WILL NOT WORK. When you are ready you will do it on your own until then no matter what someone says you won't let go. Trust me, I am SOOOO happy now. I can't believe I wasted 9 years of my life with him and I truly mean that.


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

I wasted 7 sad huh? ugh Now I m so happy


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## Princess6828 (Mar 26, 2007)

Oh my Gosh...everyone is starting to really make me think. Maybe he won't ever change. Ohh...now I'm just so sad.


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

aww I know its really hard may I ask was he like this for 4 yrs?

Im so sorry hun..


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## Princess6828 (Mar 26, 2007)

Well, when we met, like I said he was just out of rehab - so I didn't mind for awhile. Plus, I was still partying in college so I didn't care that he slept all day. Then he started getting better - but now it just seems like it's getting worse and worse and worse. He keeps saying he's going to change - PROMISING he will change...then he does good for about a week or two...then just crashes again. This is so stressful. I haven't spoken to him today at all.


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## Maysie (Mar 26, 2007)

I think that people dont change until they want to change...and it doesnt sound like he's quite there yet. He might reconsider his position if you showed him you wouldnt accept it...the reality of you spending time away from him might make him appreciate what hes got to lose?


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## han (Mar 26, 2007)

thats not always the case. people can and do change as they mature, its just depends if you have the patients to wait for it to happen if in fact it does happen


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

Yes and that could take many years or moreNot everyone matures


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## han (Mar 26, 2007)

thats why i said if in fact he does happen


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## Ricci (Mar 26, 2007)

Yes


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## Princess6828 (Mar 26, 2007)

I don't see any hope of him changing - because I know deep down he doesn't want to and feels he doesn't have to. His parents take such good "care" of him, that he knows he'll never have to do anything with himself. Not exactly like he's a trust-fund baby though. I mean, the only things he cares about are food, gas, and cigs - and his mommy provides for all of that at his demand. He has no reason to grow up. I mean, I still live with my parents - and they do pay for some of my stuff, but I'm wayyyyy more independent for him. I would never ask my parents for money for gas or cigs. That's just pathetic - and he says that he can't find a job. The thing is he says the only jobs he can find are ones on the weekends - but he won't do that for our sake, since that's the only time we do have together. There's no way he can't find some bullsh*t job during the week. No way. He's just soooooooo lazy.


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## han (Mar 27, 2007)

oh the parents are enablers... chances are he probley wont change then.. you deserve better


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## reginaalear (Mar 27, 2007)

I too agree with the others. It sounds like Depression. I have a husband who sleeps all the time. Of course he does have a Job and all that, but he sleeps alot from Depression. He would sleep 24 hrs if I let him. Also could be a Sleeping disorder. HTH!


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## Marisol (Mar 27, 2007)

You are correct but people do. I understand that in your situation it didn't but instead of telling Heather that he won't, let's try to be positive about it. I mean, us telling her "no he won't change" won't help. It also won't help if we tell her that he will. Every situation is different.

Heather - Hang in there.


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## Ricci (Mar 27, 2007)

I just didnt want her to hold on to hope for another 4 yrs

.. Iv been in relationships like that twice.. I wasnt tryint o make her feel bad


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## Marisol (Mar 27, 2007)

I didn't think that you were trying to make her feel bad. Every situation is different is all.


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## Ricci (Mar 27, 2007)

Yes I agree my bad  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## han (Mar 27, 2007)

i agree with marisol... heather you have to do what you feel is right for you. because every situation is diffrent and every advice you got are from diffrent people who handel situations diffrently... i myself fought hard for my relationhship it wasnt always happy go lucky but im glad i hung in there cause things are better than ever.


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## Princess6828 (Mar 27, 2007)

Thanks Marisol. And thanks everyone else for helping me through this. You guys are the bestest. I don't know anyone else that has so many good friends! This is probably the hardest choice I'm going to have to make in my life so far. I need to think long and hard about it. I went all day yesterday without talking to him, which I feel wasn't so bad because it was my decision and not his. Sigh...I need a vacation lol.


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## StereoXGirl (Mar 27, 2007)

I'm not much help when it comes to relationships, but I just wanted to say that I wish you the best! I hope everything works out for you, whatever decision you choose.


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## Cool Kitten (Mar 29, 2007)

Can you see yourself in this relationship 10 years from now? Supporting him while he's sleeping? Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. if you don't you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.

Those people who say that love isn't a choice have never been in long-term relationships.


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## dlwt2003 (Mar 29, 2007)

Oh Hun, you know alot of times us girls like the bad boy but it sounds like you have a good guy to try to get with. Dont look back and just go forward. Its really best for you!!! do you want to spend the rest of yourlife trying to WAKE UP this guy?? I dont think so, and really nothign will ever every change, sorry but the Trooper sounds AWESOME. go for it


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## ling07 (Mar 29, 2007)

guys never change they'll change for 2 months when you bi**h at them but they will go back to their original self again, you'll find yourself in the same situation again and again, i know it's hard cause you still love him but after some time you will get tired of it and will make a decision but try not to waste too much time.


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## juicycouturegrl (Apr 2, 2007)

i know this is coming in kinda late, but i think you should definitely end things with him. in the long run, you will be much happier. before my current bf, i was with a guy that couldn't keep a job, not because he always got fired but because he always quit! he was the laziest guy i've ever met. he never wanted to work. he was always more interested in hanging with his friends, and never wanted to take me along with his friends. so he would miss work to hang with his buddies, then say he hated that job, and quit. then he would be out of work for months at a time. i refused to pay for all the things he wanted to do: movies, out to eat, amusement parks, etc. so needless to say we didn't go out much. he cheated on me also, and treated me like crap so i finally decided i was worth more than that and ended things with him. oh, how he begged and pleaded and said he would change...but i didn't give in. once he found out about my new guy (regretfully it was on myspace, which i gave up long ago) he was furious but finally stopped calling and decided it was time to let go.

my advice to you is don't stay with this guy. a relationship needs more than just love. it needs companionship and equality. he isn't doing his equal share in the relationship, not calling when he says he will and not coming by as promised. you deserve much better, and you are a smart woman (obviously! getting your masters go girl!) so find someone that appreciates that you are a student and will treat you better. hope everything works out for you!


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## econ34 (Apr 2, 2007)

ugghh i know how you feel about the constantly sleeping thing...my boyfriend works a lot and im in school and working, and we get to see eachother some during the week, but saturday is our only day to spend the day together or do something before it gets dark out. he aalllwwwaaayysss says he'll get up, so i wake up all early and get excited and get ready, and then he sleeps in! i totally get why'd you'd be frustrated..i've been with my boyfriend for three years, and i want to break up with him sometimes but feel like he's such a big part of my life that i wouldn't know what to do with myself.

ssooo i'll tell you the advice that my friends always tell me, but i'm to stubborn to take..you're young, you're beautiful,you're successful, and you deserve someone that will treat you like the princess you are! there's nothing wrong with wanting something that you deserve. what you want isn't irrational or too much to ask for. maybe if you break up it will give him a kick in the ass and he'll have some time to grow up. there's no rule that you can't get together again in the future when you're both where you want to be in life.

good luck with your troubles, and i hope that everything works out for you  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## realmccoy (Apr 2, 2007)

Everyone is so wise in their replies. I just wanted to offer an observation that will hopefully put things in perspective for you. In the past four years, the only one who has moved forward is you. You have changed. He hasn't.You can't change him. Four years is a long time, but it seems that you have grown out of him and are looking for someone that you have more in common with. That's perfectly natural. So you need to decide whether you want to continue where are you are with him. Realistically, what you have now is what you will get in the future. Be prepared that with the current situation, he will try to change for you and he will say and do anything to make you believe it, but it will always end up going back to the old ways once he has you clinging to the hope it will be diferrent. He is the only one who can make that decision to change and unfortunately he has to make that decision on his own.


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## Kookie-for-COCO (Apr 6, 2007)

Sounds like he is going to remain Baby Boy and you have already outgrown him. let it go. Hopoe everything is ok.


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