# Somebody Please Help!!



## makeupartist2b (Nov 24, 2007)

I really need help. I don't know what to do!! PLEASEEE HELP ME!! =[

alright, so i've been dating this guy for about 2 years now. he's really over protective and don't really like me going anywhere or doing anything. esp. with out him. i don't have any friends anymore. i had to give them all up. he even gets mad when i go out with my mother!! MY OWN MOTHER!! i'm not allowed to go online. i have to sneak. we fight non stop over absolutely nothing sometimes. when we go out i can't even take my cell phone with me cause i'm scared someone is going to text me and it is going to start a huge fight, and i try my hardest to avoid them. i really don't know what to do. i'm so fed up anymore. i cry almost every night. he is so immature and childish. i feel like we are on two seperate pages. right now im stuck in the middle i'm going to be 21 soon and i want to live my life and have fun, and i already feel like i am missing out on alot of stuff. i try talkin to him but i don't get anywhere the fight just gets worse!! i'm thinking maybe i should move on, but i'm scared to see him with someone else. i know it sounds pathetic and stupid. but i've been with him for awhile. i just don't know what to do.

dose anyone have any advice ? =[ if so please help me because i just about had it.


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## SimplyElegant (Nov 24, 2007)

I really think you should leave. He's far too controlling and if you're crying about this every night and no progress is being made, then it really is time to move on. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend if he he is just going to keep you locked up like that. He's jealous of anyone you might love more than him or anyone who he thinks would give you sensible advice to move on. I say it would be best to leave him when he's away from the house. Tell your mother or a friend that you're leaving and maybe you can stay at someone's house until you can get a place of your own or something. It will probably only get worse if he gets that angry, especially over you simply bringing your phone with you or going out with family.


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## StereoXGirl (Nov 24, 2007)

It sounds like you already know deep down what you should do.

I think that his control over you like that is borderline emotional abuse. I know it's a hard decision, but I really think you should leave him. Especially since you're so young! You should be free to have fun at that age!


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## makeupartist2b (Nov 24, 2007)

thank you so much for you advice. it really means so much to me that your taking your time to help someone out

you are right though. it probably is for the better. i feel terrible.. i had a friend that recently passed away in a car accident and me and her use to work together and we were friends..and at the time he didn't care for her to much and obv. didn't want me going out with her.. and well i didn't bother with her as much...now i'll never see her again..and i feel terrible that it's all my fault i let this get way out of hand.. and it made me think what am i doing? i lost a friend and i'm probably missing out on so much..i was always one to say "i'll never let that happen to me" and it did.


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## melpaganlibran (Nov 24, 2007)

well you thought you were doing right at the time, how could you have known she wouldn't be able to see you again. Don't beat yourself up! I dunno what to say but if you are too in love to break up, insist he get some counseling for his drama and control issues. It sounds like he couldn't care less how you feel about much of anything as long as you do what he says and if you stay it may get worse even escalating into physical abuse. If he won't seek help to keep you, he will not change and you should run as fast as your sneakers or pumps will take you.

let him become someone else's problem, mah, if he doesn't see a problem in himself enough to change.


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## pinksugar (Nov 24, 2007)

chicken you can't blame yourself for that death, you may have drifted apart regardless of your bf's influence.

Chicken, I agree with the others, I think deep down you know what you should do. This is a really hard thing to do by yourself so best of luck, and everyone at MUT is looking out for you






if you need to whinge about anything, please do send me a PM or leave me a note on my profile, whatever


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## reenee-K (Nov 24, 2007)

He sounds controlling to me. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe he will change if you two talk things over? If talking doesn't work then I guess you already know what you should do...just make sure you tell someone close to you about it first, in case he decides to get violent.


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## S. Lisa Smith (Nov 24, 2007)

Wow, until I joined MUT, I had no idea that young women had this as a recurring problem. (See, for example: https://forum.makeuptalk.com/f11...ing-68472.html ) No matter how wonderful a guy is, you still need your space! You shouldn't give up your life because some guy wants you to. In fact, if he wants you to only do things with him and not have any friends or other relationships- like a healthy one with your mom, RUN, do not walk to the nearest exit!!!!!


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## Kookie-for-COCO (Nov 24, 2007)

Hate to say this cause it will be a big decision--but get out now. It will only get worse.


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## Shelley (Nov 25, 2007)

He sounds too controlling. Please leave him because it could get worse. I've been in a similar situation in the past. He started off controlling me. He would become upset if I went out with friends, controlled every move. It escalated into emotional, verbal abuse and eventually into physical abuse. The physical abuse I suffered was sadistic and I ended up needing surgery due to it.

You deserve better! I know it is hard to leave a relationship but you will find someone who will treat you better.

I'm not trying to scare you but sometimes when women leave a controlling and/or abusive relationship, her partner can become enraged over not being able to control his partner anymore and can become very abusive, stalking etc. If you decide to leave him, I would stay with someone that he doesn't know (so he won't find you) or contact a women's shelter.

I know from my past experience, my exbf said he would change in order to make me stay. He would be good for a short time then start abusing me again. I just wanted to make you aware of this. Often abusive people do not change unless they get professional help. Or they will blame us for their behaviour and believe they do not have a problem. Just remember none of this is your fault.

I hope this helped! Were here for you. Please keep us updated.


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## Aquilah (Nov 25, 2007)

I agree with anyone who has said it's time for you to go. It doesn't seem like things will get any better, and it's best to sever your ties now than keep hoping it'll get better and it gets worse. Best of luck, and know we're here for you!


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## makeupartist2b (Nov 25, 2007)

hey everyone, once again. i really want to thank you all sooo much for listening and giving me such wonderful advice. you are all truely amazing and i thank each and everyone one of you for all the help.

-- i did tired talking to him plenty of times. i feel like i get no where. no matter what the situation he always turns it into it some how being my fault, and making me feel bad. im not going to lie. im not perfect. i am wrong at times.. actually i am wrong alot.. but i admit when im wrong and apologize.. but no matter what he never admits when he's wrong he just puts it all on me. makes me look bad and feel bad..i don't know how he does it, but he does it so good.

and shelley you are absolutely 110% right. about everything.

the whole break up thing kind of makes me nervous because i don't know what will happen. how he will react.. or what he will do, and i feel bad because like i said before we were together for 2 years. i know it's not THAT long but i never been so close to anyone before you know? but something needs to change because why should i have someone else controling my life for me.


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## Aquilah (Nov 25, 2007)

Originally Posted by *makeupartist2b* /img/forum/go_quote.gif hey everyone, once again. i really want to thank you all sooo much for listening and giving me such wonderful advice. you are all truely amazing and i thank each and everyone one of you for all the help.

-- i did tired talking to him plenty of times. i feel like i get no where. no matter what the situation he always turns it into it some how being my fault, and making me feel bad. im not going to lie. im not perfect. i am wrong at times.. actually i am wrong alot.. but i admit when im wrong and apologize.. but no matter what he never admits when he's wrong he just puts it all on me. makes me look bad and feel bad..i don't know how he does it, but he does it so good.

and shelley you are absolutely 110% right. about everything.

the whole break up thing kind of makes me nervous because i don't know what will happen. how he will react.. or what he will do, and i feel bad because like i said before we were together for 2 years. i know it's not THAT long but i never been so close to anyone before you know? *but something needs to change because why should i have someone else controling my life for me.*

Exactly! You shouldn't! You're a grown woman, and you should be making decisions for yourself that will benefit YOU! I know it's easier said than done when you're on the outside looking in, but I truly think it's best to leave. You don't want to give him another 2 years (or more), and find out there was someone out there who could've treated you as you deserved to be treated!


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## makeupartist2b (Nov 25, 2007)

Aquilah - yeah it is true muchhh more easier said then done lol.. and your right i don't want to give him another 2 years when i already gave him 2 and got nowhere.

maybe a fresh new year and starting over is what i need..maybe this could be a good thing.


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## Anthea (Nov 25, 2007)

I totally agree with everyones advise. Wow it sounds bad and should not put up with that emotional abuse. You got to leave him, as I think he will only get more and more controling.

It will also do him the world of good as well as he will learn (eventually) that he can't do that to people or they will walk.

You deserve better.


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## Shelley (Nov 25, 2007)

I know how hard it is to leave. As an outsider I can easily say leave right now. I'm not saying you have to leave today but start making the move towards it. If I sound nasty I don't mean to. I'm just trying to help you, prevent another woman from going through what I had to. I realize all abusers are different in their methods but if I can help someone else not suffer I will.

You mentioned "but no matter what he never admits when he's wrong he just puts it all on me. makes me look bad and feel bad..i don't know how he does it, but he does it so good. "

That is a very common behaviour of an abusive/controlling person. My ex always did this to me and true they do it so good. Almost like they brainwash the victim.

It is best not to break up with him in person. I broke up with my ex over a phone call and I didn't call from home. I went to a payphone for safety reasons. My ex was livid that we didn't discuss this in person after all the years we were together and wanted to go for a drive in the country to discuss it. I knew if I went with him I wouldn't be coming back, he would have killed me. I'm not trying to scare you or say your ex will do the same. I just wanted to caution you.

Here is a link in regards to leaving someone who is controlling/abusive. It includes a safety plan etc.. Leaving An Abusive Relationship

When I was with my ex, I had one person who encouraged me to leave. It took another 5-6 beatings before I had the courage to end it. So don't beat yourself up if you don't leave right away. But in all honesty things can get worse and I would hate to see you being controlled and abused by this man. You are young and there will be a man out there who will treat you right. For myself I am not ready for a relationship and really prefer to be single right now. Just take time for yourself to heal.

Were here for you! Hugs to you.


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## KellyB (Nov 25, 2007)

Having stated this on another thread I really want to reiterate my understanding here.

My first husband was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I was very in love with him anyway, so I get it, OK?

That being said. I want you to know from experience that the control issues do not get better. They get worse. Every time you let him "allow" you to do something, you are losing a part of yourself and giving him more control over you. While I'm not going to give you the "you need to leave him" answer...........b/c you WILL know if you are capable of doing that..........I will tell you that staying with him only gives him more power.

I stayed for 4 years and it took me a decade to recover. He never physically abused me but if you think that controlling you is not abuse, I want you to know that it is.

You have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life because you have the crystal ball in front of you.

Let me also add that this is not your problem, it's his problem and you can't fix him or change him.

In the end only you can make the choice. Leaving my ex husband was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I truly loved him and did not want to be without him but I loved myself more and knew that a life with him would leave me lonely and isolated. You don't have to live that way either.

I hope that you will seriously consider the advice you have been given. You are young and beautiful and there are good men in the world who will treat you as you.....and every other woman.....deserve to be treated.

Last but not least {{{hugs}}} to you because I really do understand how hard this is.


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## makeupartist2b (Nov 26, 2007)

Shelley - the advice you just gave me is so exactly right.. every single word. i never knew or talked to anyone that went through the similiar problems i am going through now. so it was hard for me cause it felt like i had no one there to talk too. which i didn't until now.. i really truely apprecaite this and you are exactly right. i feel like i've been brainwashed. i feel like i'm not a good enough person. i feel like a loser i guess you can say.. and that i'm not good enough for anyone else..kind of like no one else will want to be with me.. i've been pushing myself farther away from him lately. i've been keeping my distance, and this is making me realize i can be a strong person and leave him. however, im going to do what you did and not do it in person. i think over the phone will be the best way possible.

i am really sorry for what you have been threw. you seem like such an amazing/strong person. i am so thankful for all the helpful advice you have given me.

KellyB - thank you so much for your advice. i do feel like i lose a part of myself when i let him control me. actually, i don't even feel like the same person anymore. i feel like i am somebody else esp. around him. i think it is getting worse slowely. first it was the stop hanging out with ur friends.. then stop talking to them.. then stop going on the computer.. i really can't believe i let it go this far. and i did love him so much.. but like you said with your husband you saw yourself lonely and isolated. so do i exactly. i dont think i could ever spend the rest of my life with him knowing it will be like that, and i shouldn't have too.

thank you all so much&lt;3 you are all really really amazingly wonderful people.


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## Britt Fabulous (Nov 27, 2007)

There is definitely a co-dependency dynamic that has been created between you two, and I think realizing that will be crucial to you building up enough guts to leave him.

At this point whether you want to admit it or not you are dependant upon him. He has taken away your friends, family, self-worth and so much more... and he wants you to feel that all you have is him. And you prove him right, let him win, let him have that power every time you allow him to put you down, start a fight, make you feel bad for absolutely nothing. Basically you two feed off each other. Feed off the dysfunctional reality of the relationship. Because he needs power, and you need to feel like you can fix him, save the relationship, and make things well and dandy because you fear losing the ONE thing, and the ONLY thing you think you have left. But you can't fix this... and I think maybe you are starting to understand this.

Leaving a co-dependant relationship is not easy, and easier said then done. Whenever you finally decide to leave (and hopefully you do), you need to be prepared for some rough days ahead.... but remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Realize you are a strong person.


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## aprilpgb22 (Nov 27, 2007)

I have been in a similar situation and everyone is right, it will only get worse. You are going to have resentment for him later for the things that he does now. His overprotective, jealous behavior can lead to worse things like physical violence. You have to get out right now; who cares who he gets with. It is bad for them and good for you. Don't communicate with him once you leave and you won't have to worry about seeing him with someone else.


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## Shelley (Nov 28, 2007)

Originally Posted by *makeupartist2b* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Shelley - the advice you just gave me is so exactly right.. every single word. i never knew or talked to anyone that went through the similiar problems i am going through now. so it was hard for me cause it felt like i had no one there to talk too. which i didn't until now.. i really truely apprecaite this and you are exactly right. i feel like i've been brainwashed. i feel like i'm not a good enough person. i feel like a loser i guess you can say.. and that i'm not good enough for anyone else..kind of like no one else will want to be with me.. i've been pushing myself farther away from him lately. i've been keeping my distance, and this is making me realize i can be a strong person and leave him. however, im going to do what you did and not do it in person. i think over the phone will be the best way possible. 
i am really sorry for what you have been threw. you seem like such an amazing/strong person. i am so thankful for all the helpful advice you have given me.

Thanks! I'm not fully recovered but a lot better compared to a year or two ago. It takes time to heal and one day I will be at a place that I want.
You mentioned above the way you feel.. not good enough for anyone, no one else will want to be with me etc. I felt exactly the same way. Although I am stronger I do have days where those thoughts still cross my mind. I think it is important to surround yourself with supportive people. The more support you have the easier it will be to learn that you are good enough etc. Unfortunately for me I has zero family support (parents). They were the complete opposite, told me the only man I deserve is one that will beat me etc. I had to find others who were supportive. Luckily one of my doctors was a complete angel plus members on MUT have been wonderful.

As for ending the relationship.. as I mentioned I did it by phoning him. All abusers will react differently. With my exbf I just calmly told him the relationship wasn't working out and I was leaving. He phoned me, begged me to come back, sobbing on the phone, told me he felt like killing himself etc. All kinds of things to get me to go back to him. I knew if I went back my life would be over, he would eventually kill me. I ended up moving, changing my phone number etc. Unfortunately that did not stop him. He stalked me (turns out family was telling him where I was located) threatened me and had his friends come after me. He actually payed one of them to hurt or kill me. I did stay in a women's shelter for a short period of time.

I'm not trying to scare you by telling you what I went through. All abusers are different. Some will leave you alone others won't. You know your bf better than me and his level of control or potential violence. I am just cautioning you on different scenarios.

I hope this helped. Were here for you. Please update us and if you have questions or want to vent please feel free to post or ask.


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## makeupartist2b (Dec 1, 2007)

Shelley you seem like such a strong person and i really do admire you. You are such an amazing person. I am really grateful for all of the advice you give me. (along with everyone else of course, if it wasn't for everyone on here i still would be in such a mess.) anyway, i do have a few supportive people who understand and are still there for me. Which is really nice. ( i am sorry to hear that you didn't have any support. no one deserves to be beat or with someone who treats them terrible. you are a very strong person) I did text my boyfriend and said i think we need some space. some time apart. I've been keeping myself distant from him lately. I thought i would start it at that he did respect it. It's going pretty well. However, he felt something wasn't right. So he been calling me non stop leaving me voice mails and i had 17 missed calls. and alot of text messages saying how much he wants to marry me how he loves me blah blah he wants to be with me forever, and if i ever left him he would kill himself. &lt;-- that right there made me break down, because i really don't know what to think. he is a very unhappy and i really don't know what he would do. He sits outside of my house and waits for me to come home. Which is kind of creepy. Now he is trying to be nice to me and trying to say he is a changed person and everything will be different and we wont fight. (you know what i mean, to make you come back to them.) I mean it is still hard, but i'm doing good. Being that i have friends there to help me, and people to talk too and im keeping myself busy is helping me. which makes me feel really good.

aprilpgb22 - that is what i am scared of. i know he is capable of getting violent he gets really angry and it is kind of scary. i do go right back at him. it isn't the smartest thing to do but i do it. and, well it never ends good. Ending things completely and not having no contact with him whatsoever would probably most def. be my best bet. Cutting him out of my life completely is what needs to be done. Thank you so much april. i really appreciate your advice


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## magosienne (Dec 1, 2007)

everyone gave excellent advice. i wish you good luck and if it becomes violent, don't hesitate a second to call the police and get away from him.


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## Shelley (Dec 3, 2007)

Originally Posted by *makeupartist2b* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Shelley you seem like such a strong person and i really do admire you. You are such an amazing person. I am really grateful for all of the advice you give me. (along with everyone else of course, if it wasn't for everyone on here i still would be in such a mess.) anyway, i do have a few supportive people who understand and are still there for me. Which is really nice. ( i am sorry to hear that you didn't have any support. no one deserves to be beat or with someone who treats them terrible. you are a very strong person) I did text my boyfriend and said i think we need some space. some time apart. I've been keeping myself distant from him lately. I thought i would start it at that he did respect it. It's going pretty well. However, he felt something wasn't right. So he been calling me non stop leaving me voice mails and i had 17 missed calls. and alot of text messages saying how much he wants to marry me how he loves me blah blah he wants to be with me forever, and if i ever left him he would kill himself. &lt;-- that right there made me break down, because i really don't know what to think. he is a very unhappy and i really don't know what he would do. He sits outside of my house and waits for me to come home. Which is kind of creepy. Now he is trying to be nice to me and trying to say he is a changed person and everything will be different and we wont fight. (you know what i mean, to make you come back to them.) I mean it is still hard, but i'm doing good. Being that i have friends there to help me, and people to talk too and im keeping myself busy is helping me. which makes me feel really good. Thanks!




You made a great start by sending a text message. The part about him saying how much he loves and wants to marry you, he will change, kill himself etc.. that is typical of some men who control, abuse partners. My exbf said similar things. It is hard on you because you think even though they treat me badly I wouldn't want him to kill himself. My ex did that all the time throughout our relationship when he thought I may leave him. I actually never said I would leave verbally because I knew if I said those words in person he would kill me. Eventually I broke up with him over the phone. The important thing is when he says these things is to surround yourself with supportive people. Abusers are cunning at luring partners back into relationships. Often what happens is they are on their best behaviour for a short time when you go back to them but soon their old patterns emerge.

The part about sitting outside your house is creepy. Please be very careful. My ex stalked me and also had his friends involved. He also called me many times. I ended up changing my phone number. If you feel threatened or he does threaten you don't hesitate to call the police. Or you could go to your local community police station and tell them he is sitting outside your home. They may come up with suggestions or if they are decent enough maybe they will patrol more around your street.

I don't know if you live by yourself. If so is there anyone you can stay with temporarily? Safety in numbers.

Also if you do live by yourself and are comfortable with your neighbours you could let them know you are experiencing some difficulties with your bf, exbf so they are aware and phone the police or call someone if a situation arises.

I'm not trying to scare you by saying this. When you are going out whether to school, work, socializing etc have a safety plan. Phone friends or family and say where you are going and approximate time you will arrive. When you arrive at your destination you could phone to let them know.

Please keep us updated.



Were here for you.


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## YourOneAndOnly (Dec 26, 2007)

Why are you with him? If you're not happy, get out of this relationship. And if you need help I would try going to someone close to you like a family member or friend. Sorry you are going through this, I hope you get out of this soon so you can be a lot happier and enjoy your life.


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