# I can't believe I'm saying this... It's a long post, beware



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Okay, so I can talk in the sex forum here all day long, or tell you girls anything that you ask me. But when it comes down to this situation I have gotten myself in, I'm completely embarressed.




But, here goes.

I am a mother, my daughter is 2 years old. I'm also married. Have been for a year and a half. Well, my husband (Eric) and I started dating when I was about 6 months pregnant. So I have a lot of respect for him for seeing the real me, instead of just freaking out because I was 18, single, and preggo. Especially considering he was 16 at the time! Up until about a month after we got married everything was pretty good. A normal relationship you could say. The only problem we ever really had back then was arguing about my baby daddy (sorry for saying baby daddy, but its what i call him). And well, me and Chris (baby daddy) we have a child together, so obviously there is a reason for us to stay in touch. Well, Eric hates Chris (and I admit Chris really did some s***ty things to me, so I understand why). 

The relationship between me and Eric just hasnt been the same since around Jan of 06. And honestly, sometimes I think that I may have married Eric because of the comfort, and the fact that he loved and accepted me. But now, I miss the passion that me and Chris had. And whenever me and Eric argue, Chris is the first person I text, and he is always there for me. Lately we have been texting a lot more than normal and in the last few weeks we have opened up a lot about our feelings for each other. We've both admitted that we really miss each other, and still have strong feelings, and enjoyed the sex. And with me and Eric arguing so much, and me spending so many nights crying (beacause of depression that I can't afford to have treated), I cant help but have Chris on my mind all the time. It's gotten so bad that I've thought about cheating. A couple of weekends ago he actually made sure I knew that he was going to a local hangout. And if it wasnt for the fact that I had absolutely no gas in my car, and no money in my pocket, I would have went there. There is no question to it. I hate myself for having those thoughts, I really do. I'm just stuck right now. I don't know what to do.

What do ya'll think about this mess I have gotten myself into?





Any thoughts will be appreciated, even if you want to tell me how bad of a person I am by having these thoughts.


----------



## Aprill (Jul 20, 2007)

Let me ask you this...how well has Chris taken care of his child starting at pregnancy and beyond?


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

During pregnancy we had a lot of issues. We're both so passionate. I actually didnt find out I was pregnant until after we broke up, so it was hard for both of us to get used to. But beyond that, he came to the hospital after she was born, and when she got airlifted to another hospital, he went there too, and visited a few times. The first year was kinda shaky, he was freaking out and didnt handle it good at all. But after that he finally got some sense and realized how stupid he was being. Now he normally gets her once a week. And he does whatever he can for her.


----------



## AngelaGM (Jul 20, 2007)

Let's PM about this. I have had the same feelings for an ex of mine, so I know where you are coming from.


----------



## Aprill (Jul 20, 2007)

I really dont know then, I think that it is great that he is taking care of her, I was going to say if he wasnt that I wouldnt bother with him, but you are married, and maybe you should put in a good bit of effort to try to work it out with your husband. There is an underlying reason that he is there. You know like I know that men dont just get with pregnant women everyday. This man truly loves you and I think that you should stick it out.

i wish i could give more advice, but the man that I had a child with at 16 i dont communicate with him at all. I had his rights terminated and my son is my husband's child legally now.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Thank you Aprill. The only problem I'm really having with that is, I'm really trying to make it work with Eric. But, he isnt. At all hardly. Thats what really makes it so hard. I know he loves me, but I just dont feel it as much anymore.

I thought about terminating Chris' rights at the beginning, but I decided against it. But, I'm glad it worked out for you! That is awesome.


----------



## Aprill (Jul 20, 2007)

Can you sit down and talk with Eric and tell him how you feel without incorporating the feeling that you are having for Chris?


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

I have, a few times. I keep telling him how much I love him and how much I want it to work. I've even told him that I wasnt going to be able to stay with him if things didnt get better. Not to threaten him, but so that he knows how unhappy I am.


----------



## daer0n (Jul 20, 2007)

Kat, im not here to tell you that you are a bad person, i dont believe you are at all, you are just young and most of all, human.

We have all been i think through rough times and depression, and sometimes the decisions taken under such situations are not quite the best ones.

You should think about it twice, i think, you have someone that has always loved you for who you really are, and you might get into a relationship again that had really nothing but just passion, and sometimes that is missed, but that isnt all there is to in a relationship, passion comes and goes but love doesnt, it always stays there and means more than just having sex.

If you feel like your marriage is lacking of passion what you need to do is talk about it and try to recover it. Marriage counseling would probably be a good option for you and your husband.

Don't rush getting into a relationship where you might have nothing but just the good sex, cause you might lose something that is really really hard to find in this world, a man that truely loves you.

*Hugs*


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Thank you Nurinia. I completely understand that passion isnt what it all boils down to. And counseling would probably be a pretty good idea. But we cant afford it, so I havent really thought about it a whole lot. I really dont want to rush into anything, which is why i'm trying to sort through my crazy thoughts.


----------



## Aprill (Jul 20, 2007)

If you go to church, usually they offer counseling for free


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Oh Lord Aprill. Here's my church: Pastor - Eric's uncle, co-pastor/founder of church - eric's grandfather, the other person that people run to when they have a problem - Eric's dad.

Not something I want to have to deal with to be honest!


----------



## daer0n (Jul 20, 2007)

I'm not sure about there, but here in Canada, there's marriage counseling therapy for free, as well as other free services for single moms, parenting and other stuff, there might be something like that where you live ?

You could probably search for communities or someone that offers those services for free over there?

That would be good.

I really hope things workout for you, i know so well how it's like to be depressed, and i also know how hard it is to go through something like that feeling that there might be no hope and no help from anyone else.

I wish you the best of luck Kat, i know that things sometimes seem so bad, but, you know, as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you will get through this, stay positive and strong.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Thank you. I'm gonna definately be on the look-out for something like that around here.


----------



## Orangeeyecrayon (Jul 20, 2007)

while i can not even begin to comprehend the complcation of the situation. It may be to stop sharing your emoitions with chris. I know you find comfort in him but in sharing how you feel and opening back up to him you are enabeling yourself to get hurt. Further more if you feel as though there is something wrong with what is heppening as you said there did there may be. Think of how eric feels. things will not get better between you and eric unless you take the time to tell eric how you feel and give hima chance to fix it. He is the one your married to and the one you really need to focus on making things work with

I hope that didnt come off as mean, i really do hope everything works out for the best for you. I am sure my advice is limited in its scope since i have minimal expericance in relationships.

as for the depression, i do have experiance with that if oyu cant get profesional help just try to think posative. I found having a mantra where i basicly told my self i was worth it and i could do anything has helped me a lot.


----------



## bbprincess2147 (Jul 20, 2007)

I think you've received some good advice from the ladies thus far. Unfortunately I can't add very much. However, I do know that people break up for a reason. Although things may be looking up between you and Chris, there is a reason you didn't work out and that reason is still there. You know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side?" It may be a situation similar to that. Just take your time hun. I really really hope you can rekindle your love with Eric.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Orange, I didnt take that to be mean at all. Just someone trying to talk some common sense into me. Thanks.

And bb, I always always always said "exes are exes for a reason". So, I dont know what it is about him that I just cant shake. Thank you too, I hope we can rekindle it to.


----------



## Bexy (Jul 20, 2007)

Originally Posted by *daer0n* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Kat, im not here to tell you that you are a bad person, i dont believe you are at all, you are just young and most of all, human.We have all been i think through rough times and depression, and sometimes the decisions taken under such situations are not quite the best ones.

You should think about it twice, i think, you have someone that has always loved you for who you really are, and you might get into a relationship again that had really nothing but just passion, and sometimes that is missed, but that isnt all there is to in a relationship, passion comes and goes but love doesnt, it always stays there and means more than just having sex.

If you feel like your marriage is lacking of passion what you need to do is talk about it and try to recover it. Marriage counseling would probably be a good option for you and your husband.

Don't rush getting into a relationship where you might have nothing but just the good sex, cause you might lose something that is really really hard to find in this world, a man that truely loves you.

*Hugs*

I agree with the above 150%. I just wanted to add one other thing. You obviously broke up with Chris for a reason. Most people do not just break up over nothing. So there must have been some issues there. You also married your dh for a reason, because you loved him and wanted to spend your lives together. 
So I agree, marriage counceling would be a great first step.


----------



## jdepp_84 (Jul 20, 2007)

Im sorry you have to go through this. I haven't been in this situation, so I can't really help you, but I offer my support whenever you need it



Hopefully things get better.


----------



## BeneBaby (Jul 20, 2007)

Man....this is a tough sitch. I know how you feel...I went through a hard time with an ex and ALL I could think about was an Ex i had great chemistry with. I agree with Nury about counseling. The thing about reuniting with exe's is that usually the same problems that broke you up in the past come back. At first it's always amazing...especially if the sex is great. But shortly after....all those same problems resurface.

Maybe Eric is going through a tough time?? Guys are more intuitive than we think, he might have a feeling that your communicating with the ex. That could be part of why he's so insecure about him...you have a child with Chris and that's a bond not easily broken. Very threatening for Eric.


----------



## macfeen (Jul 20, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Ohappydaye* /img/forum/go_quote.gif &lt;hugs&gt; Oh honey, I just want to hug you for like an hour right now. I know how you feel and I've been in this situation...only I wasn't married, I was engaged and I threw it away. The bottom line is you will ALWAYS have a bond with Chris because you created a life together, but there's a reason he's your ex. It has nothing to do with the baby, it's because he didn't treat you right. When you're in a relationship and things aren't going great it's easy to remember the "great" things about the ex, especially when you share a child with that ex. 
I had a wonderful man, that loved me and my child and I was blissfully happy....but yet whenever something would happen I would always call my ex and he'd be there for me, sweet as pie. Then as time passed he convinced me that he was still in love with me and that I was with him, he turned on the charm and I threw away the love of a wonderful man who was ready to marry me and be a father to my child...and he spent more time with my daughter than her father, bought her books, played with her. So I gave in to my feelings and called things off with this man and what happened my ex went right back to the ******* he once was that caused us to break up in the first place. Now, I've met another great man...and guess what? I'm afraid to be with him. He won't give up, he says he loves me but I'm scared that I will give in to my ex...even though I know he's no good. He says he's changed, that he loves me still, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him...and he know all of that crap makes me weak. I know that our situations are exactly the same but there are enough parallels.

Eric loves you sweetie, and I know it's hard between the two of you right now but before you make a decision that you'll regret take some time to really be honest with yourself. You will always care about Chris, there will always be a bond and those moments of weakness, especially when you are upset with Eric...but think things through first is all I'm saying. I'm not suggesting you stay with Eric out of obligation, but be sure not to give in to Chris because you're only remembering the good times...there's a reason you broke up in the first place. Eric is your first love/relationship after Chris and those are the toughest ones...it was for me. Because when you hit a rough patch, you wonder if you moved on too fast, etc.

I hope that there is some type of free counseling in your area, the resources in the area I now live are abundant so hopefully you can find them there too. Many places will give you a certain number of free sessions and some will work with you for free until the issue is resolved. I wish you the very best, I know that this is difficult. Even now, that he has hurt me time and time again, when I'm down I want him and I consider going back. He does in fact know me better than anyone...but then I remember how he treated me and kick myself. Sometimes it's very hard when you share a child with someone, when you still loved him when it ended. Just don't make any decisions that you'll regret. If you want to talk some more you can PM or IM me at Ohappydaye on AIM.

I know this situation is tough and I feel for you, I'm crying as I write this, but I know this one thing. You are a strong woman, even though right now you think otherwise. If all else fails, get a piece a paper and compare the pros and cons of each man and compare ....just be sure to burn it afterwards. hehee Thought I'd interject a little humor there at the end. I'm here if you want to talk, just let me know.

My real life story through someone else. I was engaged with a guy named Jerald and he was a good guy. He treated me well and I thought nothing could break us up. I basically risked everything, and left him to be with someone else. The person I left him for was a friend from high school. We've like each other but never really got around to dating. Long story short, I left Jerald for a guy named Chris. Jerald happened to come back into my life and try rekindle what we had. I just had to look back one last time, and with Chris being such a great person, respected that I needed space and let me go for the time being. I learned that Jerald was an Ex for a reason, and it just made me realize even more what great a guy Chris was and still is. Since then, I've got a deeper passion for Chris and the utmost repsect.

You do what you feel is right. Just remember there are always going to be consequences for your actions and always be honest to everyone and yourself. Find what makes YOU happy.


----------



## kaylin_marie (Jul 20, 2007)

Originally Posted by *BeneBaby* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Man....this is a tough sitch. I know how you feel...I went through a hard time with an ex and ALL I could think about was an Ex i had great chemistry with. I agree with Nury about counseling. The thing about reuniting with exe's is that usually the same problems that broke you up in the past come back. At first it's always amazing...especially if the sex is great. But shortly after....all those same problems resurface. 
Maybe Eric is going through a tough time?? Guys are more intuitive than we think, he might have a feeling that your communicating with the ex. That could be part of why he's so insecure about him...you have a child with Chris and that's a bond not easily broken. Very threatening for Eric.

I agree.
Everyone's situation is different. But I've been there honey, and I know that if you have an ex that you had chemistry with feelings can resurface from time to time especially when you are having troubles with the person you're with at the moment. It's easy to want to fall back into that person's arms and have that "new" exciting feeling again when things are rough. When I started getting these feelings for my ex I had to break all contact with him and eventually it went away, but I know that's impossible for you to do since you have a child together. I wouldn't advise you to cheat on your husband, although I know the temptation is strong. I agree with Amanda that Eric is probably never going to be okay with Eric, and that's normal, and the fact that the two of you are always going to have some kind of contact is probably really hard for him. It sounds like Eric really cares about you since you got together when you were pregnant and has stuck with you through all of this. Maybe he is just going through a rough patch and needs some time, if he won't talk to you wait and see if he comes around, or maybe he'll come to you when he's ready to talk. Or maybe you could get one of his buddies or his parents to talk to him about it. If you do decide to try something out with Chris again, proceed with caution!! It might feel right becaue he's the father of your child, and everything will be really good at first. But a lot of the time you just wind up realizing why you weren't right for each other in the first place. But in some cases both parties have grown up and changed and it all works out great. Unfortunately there's no easy answer, you just have to try your best to make good decisions and do what is best for you and your little girl.

Hope thinks look up for you hon. PM me if you need anything.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Who needs therapy when I have you girls? Thank you all sooo much for the advice. I'm sorry that some of you have been through the same thing, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 20, 2007)

Oh God! Seems like we all have a Chris or Eric in out lives (or past).


----------



## Manda (Jul 20, 2007)

I don't have any good advice for you, this is a tough situation to be in. I just want you to know that you are not a bad person for what you are feeling. Feelings are well, feelings, you can't control them. I just wanted to give you some support, the ladies here have some pretty good advice and thoughts on this matter.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 22, 2007)

Wow! I'm really proud of you for saying that. You are obviously a very strong woman. I hope you let yourself be happy and enjoy all the love that your current man gives you. I'm glad that this thread helped you see the truth.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 26, 2007)

Bad news. He came today to pick Alana up. I was giddy alllll day. I cant shake him. I just can't.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 26, 2007)

Well, he broke up with me because I made him happy. I know that sounds crazy, but its true. He's had a lot of bad things happen to him and he keeps it all very close to him. So, when he realized that I was making him happy he turned it all around and said that he knew he wasnt making me happy and that was the end of it.

And when I try to focus on all the bad times it makes me think about how we have worked it all out.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 27, 2007)

OHD, you're telling me the exact same things that i keep telling myself. Thank you for that.


----------



## Meemz (Jul 27, 2007)

*Oh this sounds so much like my first love. Almost the entire story is the same. I let the memories of a very fiery relationship with an ex ruin my marriage. After the divorce, I did have my chance to reunite with the ex. At that point, I realized his memories meant much more to me than he did. We didn't get back together. One can remember what they want to remember. *

I was very young as well. I had my first son at the age of 19.


----------



## Maysie (Jul 28, 2007)

I just wanted to add, that for me personally, whenever I might be having problems in my relationship I have to be careful who I confide in and share my emotions with, especially guy friends. It's easy to get lured into a false sense of intimacy, because this other guy is giving you all of this sympathy and attention...and it makes you focus on how things could be with someone else, not how things could be better with your guy. My fiance and I ended up going to counselling for a couple months during the beginning of the year and I can't tell you how much those few sessions helped me put things into perspective. Just the fact that he was willing to go to therapy and wanted to make me happy was enough. See, our main problem was whenever I'd want to talk about something serious he'd shut down. Just sit there. I know how it feels to be that person who is fighting every day in your mind to make things work, and to just BE HAPPY, and you think your guy is just sitting there, not caring. But stonewalling/being silent is a self defense mechanism...some guys just shut down because they don't know how to deal with their feelings. When they think they could get hurt they just clam up. I really think counselling could help you guys too, and I hope you can find someone to talk to soon


----------



## Sheikah (Jul 28, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Meemz* /img/forum/go_quote.gif *Oh this sounds so much like my first love. Almost the entire story is the same. I let the memories of a very fiery relationship with an ex ruin my marriage. After the divorce, I did have my chance to reunite with the ex. At that point, I realized his memories meant much more to me than he did. We didn't get back together. One can remember what they want to remember. **
I was very young as well. I had my first son at the age of 19.*

Mrs. Jones, I'm almost in the same situation. My ex is a good guy, he still calls me from time to time and I can't help but feel a little giddy too and think about him afterwards. I guess it's also the fact that me and my boyfriend are not really that close anymore. We keep on trying but I feel the separation and the feelings are not the same. I don't think I want to get back with my ex but he is like a ghost of good times for me, I keep on remembering the way I felt with him and I just want to feel that way again. Of course I always remember about the good times but that's what we always do. Plus this is all coupled with me taking the MCAT on August, it's a very important test and I'm running out of time to study so I haven't been spending time with my bf so much. Ohh well... sorry I'm taking over without leaving some good advice, but I'm kinda on the same boat just that I know I won't go back with my ex but still things between me and my bf don't feel right.
Good Luck to you girl, hope everything gets sorted out.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 28, 2007)

Well, girls. I have made a decision.

I'm leaving Eric. I can't take being this unhappy all the time. And, no, I'm not going to rush into anything with anybody (including Chris).

So, as soon as I get my job going, and get on my feet, I'll be on my own again.

Yes, I'm scared. But, honestly I'm excited too.


----------



## Maysie (Jul 28, 2007)

Good luck with your new life



The most important thing is your happiness.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 28, 2007)

Thank you. Thats exactly what I decided. I'm not happy where I'm at and I have to change it.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 28, 2007)

Thank you girl. I haven't sat down and told Eric yet. I've got to get somebody to babysit Alana when I tell him. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't. But I have to be happy in order to be a good mother. And laying in bed most of the day depressed, just is not working.

I kinda told Chris. He's pretty much known all along though. He's been through a divorce himself and has told me numerous times to really think throught the situation and make sure it is really what I want.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 28, 2007)

Honestly, I know this sounds horrible, but I dont want to try anymore. You know? I would if he was the same guy that I met and fell in love with. But he's not. When he got that job as a mechanic back at the end of 05 it changed him. The *******s that he worked with completely rubbed off on him. If he would have been working there before we got together I never would have married him. You wouldn't believe just how different he is.

Last week he said something that blew my mind. A girl we used to work with came up to his new job and told him that she was pregnant. Well, he come home and tells me that "that whore is pregnant". Why is she a whore? Because she's single and doesnt really have a steady boyfriend? Well, guess what? I got pregnant after only being with Chris for like 2 months. I didnt even find out I was prego until after we broke up. Even though I know he wasnt trying to compare us, in my mind thats what I felt like.

And then today, he accused me of talking to my boyfriend when hes not home. What boyfriend? I'm a lonely homebody when he's not home. Mainly because he's driving my car to work and I dont have a key to his Jeep.

Sorry for the long rant. I guess I could have just said, I didnt look for any counseling.


----------



## Maysie (Jul 28, 2007)

It sounds like your husband may be unhappy with his life and he's taking it out on you. Maybe you leaving will give him a wake up call and you guys may be able to work it out if he puts in some effort. I understand reaching your limit though, it has to be give and take in a relationship.


----------



## KatJ (Jul 28, 2007)

Originally Posted by *Maysie* /img/forum/go_quote.gif It sounds like your husband may be unhappy with his life and he's taking it out on you. Maybe you leaving will give him a wake up call and you guys may be able to work it out if he puts in some effort. I understand reaching your limit though, it has to be give and take in a relationship. I think so too. I tried talking to him and he swears hes happy. I really think that splitting will give us both time to realize exactly what we want.

Originally Posted by *Ohappydayes* /img/forum/go_quote.gif In the end it is your decision and I respect that. Thank you.


----------



## enyadoresme (Aug 26, 2007)

Originally Posted by *AngelaGM* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Let's PM about this. I have had the same feelings for an ex of mine, so I know where you are coming from. me too and lemme tell you there's a time to walk awayit sounds lik you're just lusting after your ex which is reasonable (i mean you had a child with him)

but you shouldn't use lust as an excuse to not solve the relationships you do have with your current hubby.

seems like ur ex is distracting you from the issues you have at home (good sex can be distracting)

all i can say is be honest with yourself and think about whether or not you're having extra communication with him for the wrong reasons.


----------



## pinksugar (Aug 27, 2007)

chicken thats a big decision and i do respect that.

you know your own mind and as long as you dont rush into anything then everything will work out ok. Maybe this time apart will make eric see that he misses you.

BIG HUGS and best of luck!


----------



## gorJESS (Sep 26, 2007)

Originally Posted by *mrs.jones1217* /img/forum/go_quote.gif So, I dont know what it is about him that I just cant shake. There's always that one damn guy!


----------

