# Jealousy -- how much is healthy? :(



## sugersoul (Aug 26, 2005)

I think i have a jealousy problem, or maybe this is natural? 

this is the first time i have ever had a long term boyfriend. i have always kept a distance when i dated guys before and i never wanted to get too close too fast because I am always of getting hurt.

For my current relationship, i let all my inhibitions go, and commited myself to him. however, everytime he hangs out with one of his sexy female friends (who has a thing for him, and he knows it) i get really jealous! i know he reassures me that they are 'just friends' but i can't help but wonder, then why still be friends with her if you KNOW that she likes you for more than a friend right? or guys don't really care, as long as nothing is going on, he can just enjoy the attention?

i also get bothered when he checks out other girls, so during the summer i lost some weight and i THOUGHT i had gained some confidence, hopeing that he wouldn't be checking out other girls AS MUCH.

however, after a few weeks, it all goes back to the same routine, him checking out other girls. i feel ashamed for feeling so unesassarily jealous and to ruminate on such pointless things.

i tried to make him see my point of view, but he has never ever been jealous! not even when a stranger on the street asked me for my number when i was waiting for my bf to pick me up! that's why i feel such a moron for being so jealous like this.

*any way to get rid of this jealousy? is the natural or healthy? i have never been jealous of my previous short term boyfriends, so i have no idea to what extent is normal!*

*we have talked about it before, he knows i get jealous, and although he apologizes, i still feel insecure because he has alot of female friends who dress provocatively. need help getting rid of this stupid emotion! i feel so immature about this!




*


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## Andi (Aug 26, 2005)

although IÂ´m not the super jealous type I can totally understand where youÂ´re coming from. I too get insecure when I see a guy I like flirting or even talking to girls who in my opinion are prettier than me. and personally I find a lot of girls prettier than me, IÂ´m like oh I like her eyes, lips, boobs, figure, whatever.

this seems to be a problem of insecurity and of course itÂ´s normal...everybody has some kind of insecurity, so no need to feel immature about this. and I can see that he MIGHT really like the attention he gets from his goodlooking female friends. I have this same thing with one of my guy friends. I know he had a crush for me for years although he has a girlfriend now, and I just like knowing that he is still attracted to me although weÂ´re never gonna be more than friends, thatÂ´s for sure.

IÂ´m pretty sure itÂ´s the same for him, guess he feels very flattered that his friend likes him a little bit too much.

sorry I donÂ´t have any advice for you as I would probably feel and react the same way. donÂ´t worry, youÂ´re NORMAL and youÂ´re not alone


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## MacForMe (Aug 26, 2005)

ugh-

First, let me give you a REALLY big hug.. now.. I hope you dont get mad at me for this. I dont think its YOU. I think its HIM. Sorry.. When we love a man, we want his attentions, if we dont get it, we feel insecure. You're not jealous that he's spending time with another woman, you feel substandard and "not enough" for him, which is why i believe you pointed out that this "friend" is "sexy". You may think she is.. HE may not... The fact that he does these things even though you hate it, is kinda unsettling. If i did something and my BF hated it, i wouldn't CONTINUE to do it, knowing full well it upsets him. Life is hard, relationships are harder, why make BOTH impossible? give and take my friend.. give and take.

My best advice to you, is if you are HAPPY with who you are, then run with it. Let him look, let him hang out with 'her'. Do you have any male friends to hang out with? I am not saying this-for-that, but dont let his actions tear you down..

What you feel, of course IS normal. But he is also not HELPING in the matter. If you have esteem issues, he should CARE about that..

Become happy with who you are. Thats the BEST advice i can give you..


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## LuckyMe (Aug 26, 2005)

My question is why i she feeding your insecurities by continuing to hang out with these girls when he knows it is getting to you? Does he want the relationship to work? I know you said earlier that you found some letters or emails or old pictures or something so is he fully commited to this relationship or are you carrying the load. A relationship can't be built on a 90/10 commitment.


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## sugersoul (Aug 26, 2005)

Originally Posted by *MacForMe* ugh-
First, let me give you a REALLY big hug.. now.. I hope you dont get mad at me for this. I dont think its YOU. I think its HIM. Sorry.. When we love a man, we want his attentions, if we dont get it, we feel insecure. You're not jealous that he's spending time with another woman, you feel substandard and "not enough" for him, which is why i believe you pointed out that this "friend" is "sexy". You may think she is.. HE may not... The fact that he does these things even though you hate it, is kinda unsettling. If i did something and my BF hated it, i wouldn't CONTINUE to do it, knowing full well it upsets him. Life is hard, relationships are harder, why make BOTH impossible? give and take my friend.. give and take.

My best advice to you, is if you are HAPPY with who you are, then run with it. Let him look, let him hang out with 'her'. Do you have any male friends to hang out with? I am not saying this-for-that, but dont let his actions tear you down..

What you feel, of course IS normal. But he is also not HELPING in the matter. If you have esteem issues, he should CARE about that..

Become happy with who you are. Thats the BEST advice i can give you..

*hugs back* thanks girl!



when i think about it, i think i still do have alot of insecurity issues to work with. before, my insecurities werent so obvious, but now that i am with him, it's like a huge rock i see everyday.

i workout, lost some weight and pant sizes, i don't know why i am not confident enough! sometimes, it's frustrateing, but definately have to find a way to be happy with myself.

*he helps by telling me he has no interest in her, however when he talks about how she's the type of girl men wants, it somehow overshadows the first statement!*

when you are insecure, how do u cure it?


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## sugersoul (Aug 26, 2005)

Originally Posted by *LuckyMe* My question is why i she feeding your insecurities by continuing to hang out with these girls when he knows it is getting to you? Does he want the relationship to work? I know you said earlier that you found some letters or emails or old pictures or something so is he fully commited to this relationship or are you carrying the load. A relationship can't be built on a 90/10 commitment. * i know, i totally agree. but i just don't want to sound forceful or desperate by asking him to not hang out with these girls. or even make him feel like i am suffocateing him. i guess that's why i have been so hesitant to enforce anything



*


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## sugersoul (Aug 26, 2005)

Originally Posted by *Naturally* Both good suggestions ...but I think (IMHO) a lot ..or most of it ..has to do with YOUR security ..and how you feel about yourself. Oh ..it's not easy letting him go out with "HER" ..and seeing him hang out ..etc. But feeling comfortable with yourself ...yes ..LOVING yourself ..TOTALLY ..and knowing that ...it shouldn't matter about her! If he says there isn't anything ..and they are just friends ...there is also that trust ..DO YOU TRUST HIM? If you don't ...then you both need to work on that ..and why or why not! 
As for men looking at other women ..that is natural ..just like you looking at other men ..does it mean you are both unfaithful ..not it means you aren't dead and buried! I don't mind it at all when my hubby oggles another woman ..because I know he loves me and comes home to me!

Like Macforme said ..become happy with who you are ..and the rest will be gravy!

thanks girl





and yeah, i think our trust is one-sided.

he trusts me because i have shown him clearly that i am committed to this relationship. once, when my guy friend confessed he had a thing for me and asked me if he had a chance, i apologized and kept a distance from him. i no longer hang out with him because i didn't want to give him any ideas. my bf knows this happened, and i guess he trusts me with all my guy friends.

*how did you build so much trust in your husband? is it just through time?*

i think i just need to be happy and secure about myself first. i always stress about wondering if he wished my body was like his female friends or felt more aroused by their body then mine. although i am 5'9 and a size 4 (after loosing weight) i still feel i have so much to work on -- especially my attitude towards myself.


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## essentialskin (Aug 28, 2005)

Ok well first you are adorable, and it sounds to me like your boyfriend has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. Your boyfriend shouldn't be checking out other chicks around you, that is just plain rude and you deserve to be the only women he's checking out. Your jealousy from what it sounds like to me is nothing more than a natural reaction to your boyfriends behavior of going out with his female friends and him checking out other girls. From what I've learned from life, and of course this is just my advice and don't take any offense to it, if you're jealous then there's probably a reason for it. I've learned to always trust my gut instincts, you obviously deserve better than that and if you've tried to talk to him about it and it's just the same old crap, then get rid of him. You can only ask him and talk to him so many times and by letting him get away with it he's just going to continue doing what he's doing and he'll continue to walk all over you. You have absoultely nothing to feel bad about or immature about. If my boyfriend was doing the same to me I'd react the exact same way except I'd kick him out of his own house for a while until he gets his act straight. Whatever you do, just remember that you deserve someone who will treat you like a princess and if they don't then move on to someone who will. Thats what I've learned and it's gotten me pretty far.

Originally Posted by *sugersoul* I think i have a jealousy problem, or maybe this is natural? 
this is the first time i have ever had a long term boyfriend. i have always kept a distance when i dated guys before and i never wanted to get too close too fast because I am always of getting hurt.

For my current relationship, i let all my inhibitions go, and commited myself to him. however, everytime he hangs out with one of his sexy female friends (who has a thing for him, and he knows it) i get really jealous! i know he reassures me that they are 'just friends' but i can't help but wonder, then why still be friends with her if you KNOW that she likes you for more than a friend right? or guys don't really care, as long as nothing is going on, he can just enjoy the attention?

i also get bothered when he checks out other girls, so during the summer i lost some weight and i THOUGHT i had gained some confidence, hopeing that he wouldn't be checking out other girls AS MUCH.

however, after a few weeks, it all goes back to the same routine, him checking out other girls. i feel ashamed for feeling so unesassarily jealous and to ruminate on such pointless things.

i tried to make him see my point of view, but he has never ever been jealous! not even when a stranger on the street asked me for my number when i was waiting for my bf to pick me up! that's why i feel such a moron for being so jealous like this.

*any way to get rid of this jealousy? is the natural or healthy? i have never been jealous of my previous short term boyfriends, so i have no idea to what extent is normal!*

*we have talked about it before, he knows i get jealous, and although he apologizes, i still feel insecure because he has alot of female friends who dress provocatively. need help getting rid of this stupid emotion! i feel so immature about this!



*


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## essentialskin (Aug 28, 2005)

Just wanted to ad one more thing about the whole body image thing. and this is my story from my personal experience and I hope it helps as I had the exact same problem.

I was seeing a guy a few years ago and was completely in love with him, just like you I was completely commited, yet he always made me feel like I wasn't enough. To make a long story short he was a complete jerk and even told me things like if I had breast implants I'd be more sexually attractive ect.

To sum up what happened, I was suffering from a low self esteem, not because I had one to begin with, but because his behavior made me feel inadequate. I wised up and left him and you know what...I became I model/actress, never felt inadequate again and NEVER let anyone treat me like that ever again. You deserve better than that and so did I. You're beautiful just the way you are and if he doesn't see that then get rid of him and find someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful women on earth. Needless to say my ex has been crawling back to me ever since and that was 4 years ago and still to this day he emails me and calls me and basically we see who came out on top. It just made me a stronger more confident person and his negativetly fueled me to be the person I am today.

Originally Posted by *sugersoul* thanks girl





and yeah, i think our trust is one-sided.

he trusts me because i have shown him clearly that i am committed to this relationship. once, when my guy friend confessed he had a thing for me and asked me if he had a chance, i apologized and kept a distance from him. i no longer hang out with him because i didn't want to give him any ideas. my bf knows this happened, and i guess he trusts me with all my guy friends.

*how did you build so much trust in your husband? is it just through time?*

i think i just need to be happy and secure about myself first. i always stress about wondering if he wished my body was like his female friends or felt more aroused by their body then mine. although i am 5'9 and a size 4 (after loosing weight) i still feel i have so much to work on -- especially my attitude towards myself.


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## horse_luver (Aug 30, 2005)

A wise woman once told me that a guy would do a tree, and i do believe her. I think it is perfectly normal for you to be jelous, especially if he is checking out other girls. But you have to be confident, and maybe even show him why u r the best



!!


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## looooch (Aug 30, 2005)

I think what you are feeling is natural. I'm sure that anyone would feel that way if they saw someone they really cared about give attention to other women.

I personally don't think that it's very respectful to make your partner feel uncomfortable, especially since he knows that it makes you uncomfortable. There are more inconspicuous ways to observe other women without drooling over them.

Does he really give you the respect you deserve? does he show you that you are #1 and give you satisfactory attention?

If he does respect you in other ways, excluding this situation, then this is a problem worth working out.

It's a bit difficult but maybe you can try to take it lightheartedly and joke around with him when it's happening. Like you can play along and agree with him when he thinks someone is good looking.

If he knows that it doesn't get to you maybe he will let up with the comments and obvious glances.

This is just a thought but maybe it could be that he is making sure that you are still interested in him. Maybe he thinks that if your jealous thats a way to show him that you still are interested in him.

Sorry for the babbling



but i just thought the reassurance could make you feel a little better about this situation. I hope all goes well:icon_love


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## **Jen** (Aug 30, 2005)

Sugarsoul,

You are a doll, and if you are 5'9" and a size 4, then your boyfriend should be eatting his heart out!!

If you are feeling these insecurities, then listen to your gut feelings....some women can be devils



. Don't trust them as far as you can throw them, especially if she is hanging around your boyfriend, knowing full well that he has you. If he doesn't let up soon, I'd give him the heave ho. Also, I find it very disrespectful that he ogles at other women in front of you. Yes, it is human nature, however do it when you are not looking. It's just plain rude.





Jen


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## Geek (Aug 31, 2005)

I agree with JEN!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF. You should play hard to get for a while...





Originally Posted by *suziqq322* 

Sugarsoul,
You are a doll, and if you are 5'9" and a size 4, then your boyfriend should be eatting his heart out!!


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## gamaki (Aug 31, 2005)

Hi sweetie,

you really have to do things that remind you of the good hearted person you are on the inside. It's not a size or a hairstyle etc... Feeling good about yourself comes from being a good person and knowing who you are. The body/insecurity issues really work themselves out after you are okay with the inside. I know this all sounds sooooo cliche, but a million people can say it a million times and it's still relevant.

Take a class, learn something you've always wanted to do.Especially active things like kickboxing because you'll feel extra great kicking ass and working on your body. Or maybe you've always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance or take a salsa class. There's a world of possibilities but the main idea is to do things that make yourself happy and feel fullfilled.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned and the jealousy is concerned, well I think you are totally normal for feeling the way you do. The idea is to not let the jealousy consume you. It will if you let it. It's easier said than done but make a conscious effort and slowly you might feel better about it. I have let jealousy ruin a relationship or two and if I had it to do over again, I might try something different.

The thing is, you can't sew your boyfriend's eyes shut or make all the other girls turn to ugly toads. Life is full of beautiful women. People will look, it's just human nature. I look when I see a hot girl and I am straight. Nice looking people, are nice to look at.

You have to know your own self-worth and trust your gut instincts if they tell you he really has a wandering eye. There is a difference between just looking and looking for a replacement.

Good luck. We're all here for you.


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## sugersoul (Sep 2, 2005)

*thanks to you all for the wonderful advice and suppport!



i really appreciate it



*

i think this situation is partially my fault as well as my boyfriend's. just like what gamaki mentioned, some girls ARE THE DEVILS..and friggin snakes in the grass too. *i have recently tried to get to know one of his female friends, and none the less, she is two faced.*

she tells my boyfriend how so many guys (who are attached) are running after her, and *she complains to him how she thinks her legs and boobs are "causing too much trouble"* since these men are attached. she has also considered cheating on _her own boyfriend. _

nonetheless i decided to quell my jealousy and have lunch with this female friend of his. she is completely too faced! she seeks sympathy from me. i offered to go shopping with her since she doesn't have any female friends of her own, however she tells me how fat she feels and how men don't find her attractive.

*i don't know what's the deal with this psycho, but it doesn't make me trust her with my boyfriend either. *

of course, i gave my bf a talk about this, and hopefully he understands my point of view.

and after much contemplation, i decided that i need some more time to myself as well. *and like Tony said, 'play hard to get'.* i have decided to join the student finance and marketing board (which are extremely time consuming



)and hopefullly these activites will keep me busy. i have also decided to allot more time for my friends every week.





*i'll see how this goes...part of it i understand i have issues to deal w/ on my own, and another part is that he has grown to comfortable w/ me.* i was the center of his attention when we dated for the first 6 months, now he looks at other women when we go out. altho it is expected, i am not going to ignore his comments and pretend i don't even hear them (he usually points out how hot the (insert body part) of a girl he sees) and instead of being bothered, or commenting back,* i am going to take a different approach and completely ignore it. *

once again, thanks to you all


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## essentialskin (Sep 2, 2005)

Congrats sweety!! I think that you did the right thing and are being the bigger person. Joining extra activities is great, and you deserve to give yourself some attention instead of worrying about your boyfriend. I think you'll really enjoy it and it will be a nice escape and it will be a lot of fun.

No matter what happens just always reember you're a princess and should be treated as one. This other girl is just fishing for compliments and it sounds like she either has self a esteem issues herself or is just sooo conceided she is bending over backwards for the extra attention. You are definitly being the bigger and better person=)


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## lilyindavis (Sep 2, 2005)

Clearly, if this girl is talking to all these guys and saying "her body parts cause trouble" when she has a bf, she has low self esteem and needs constant attention from guys (including those with gf's) to make herself feel better. She has some serious issues regarding her own body image (it doesn't matter if she's gorgeous, those who got it don't need to flaunt it all the time!), and it's not fair that you have to be the victim.

It's not you that has problems, it's her! Also the fact that she doesn't have any female friends is a bad sign for you and your bf. But I think you were brave to actually talk to her.

It's great that you're keeping yourself occupied. This way, whatever happens, you know you've accomplished something and didn't waste your time getting too caught up in the drama.


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## sexysolution (Sep 4, 2005)

jealousy is healthy although your boyfriend checking out girls infront of you isnt!

if a girl came up to your boyfirend and started chatting him up and he said no you still can be jealous at that but your boyfriend checking out girls infront of you isnt right- all boys look but save it for when your with your mates - i am not surprised that you feel a bit down that isnt right-

and dont lose weight either that wont actually make him like you anymore - you look tiny in the picture anyway and remember that he met you looking how you are so he obviusly likes it


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## Pauline (Oct 1, 2005)

Jealousy is a natural emotion especially if it' provocked.Some Men and Women make their partner's feel jeaolous and insecure because that's actually how they feel and it makes them more secure if they get a reaction.

Any man will love to have good looking sexy females as friends,but your the one going out with him



!


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## babykisses (Oct 20, 2005)

It's normal to feel a little insecure who wouldn't. Maybe your bf is into the other girl he goes out with, tag along with him next time when he goes out with her and wear your sexiest outfit and best makeup!! See how he acts?


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## katrosier (Oct 27, 2005)

Have you ever thought maybe you are jealous not because you are insecure but because you are selfish?

I know thats the case with me.. I dont want him to enjoy himself at all if it means its without me . I know everyone says love is selfless but I dont think its true , he knows he can trust me and I'm always there for him.

Look on the bright side , atleast you don't live in europe where everyone does the kiss kiss greeting which is not as innocent as it seems


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## dixiewolf (Oct 27, 2005)

I understand the jealousy thing. When I was with my ex for 2 years, My best friend was a guy. My bf played a lot of sports, worked a lot etc, so me and this guy hung out a lot. I never understood why my bf got mad. I would say, hey Mike and I are hanging out. He would say, "you are going with that guy again!" really mad. Well I had negative zero interest in dating my friend, we just liked similar stuff and he was nice. My bf once said a friend of mine had big boobs. This girl was gorgeous anyways, so yeah it pissed me off. He also told me about a girl at work that hit on him, told him she wanted a poster of him and put her leg on his desk. I saw her once, she was not cute, but man did she hit on him. He didnt like her at all though. But I did not like it. He was mean to me anyways, I felt like a pile of manure. I was never as pretty as celebrities according to him. The guy I have been dating 4 years got hit on at work, but I actually thought it was sweet. I know he wants me, and he never talks about too much with celebrities. So I think it depends on your level of commitment. Oh, the ex also got mad b/c we broke up and I was with someone else and he saw me out. He cheated on me and got someone pregnant. And he demanded to know who this gyuy was. He got married to a girl who didnt have the child, but bleh thank goodness he is gone.


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