# Dating a older man, need some advice



## christy271987 (Oct 12, 2008)

first off, I just wanted to say that I don't have a problem with dating older guys, I never have and I never will because I've always been attracted to guys thats a lot older than me, but this guy I'm seeing now is old enough to be my father, he's 42 and I'm 21, but my mom kind of set me and him up after me and my ex-bf broke up almost 3 years ago, and he chased me for 2 long years, I told him I didn't want a bf and I just wanted us to be friends, he took me out to places all the time and always bought me things, my ex never bought me roses when we were together for valentines day, this guy did, and he got me a gold heart shaped necklace with white diamonds around the heart and I wouldn't even wear it because I wasn't sure how I felt about him yet, he was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on when me and my ex-bf broke up or when I was fighting with my mom or brother, I don't get along with them, but he's got a daughter thats 3 years younger than me, he was already married to her mother once and every time we go somewhere one of his friends always asks him if I'm with him if I'm his daughter or not, and he'll tell them that I'm just his friend but we're dating, he's not stupid at all for his age, he just doesn't have good sense, he's really funny and cute at that, lol, I've known him for over 5 years, we've dated on and off for 2, and we've had our fair share of fights about every little thing you could imagine, he would get mad at me for not having a job, he says because he wanted to date me, I think he just said that to motivate me to get a job, but when I did he said he was so proud of me, and it made me really happy, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have went out to try and look for a job because I'm picky about where I want to work and all, but I lied to him so much about stupid stuff, like where I was at and who I was with, I only hang around with my moms friend who takes me everywhere I want to go and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't get to have any freedom because my moms the controlling type, but my friend doesn't like him because he sells prescription pills out of his car for extra money and he thinks he's a bad influence on me, he's right, I don't see him that much anymore, but I told him soo many lies about me being with him that he doesn't trust me anymore because of it, one time when he caught me in a lie he said "you know, you're making me like you less and less each time you lie to me" but I finally stopped that, I just don't know how to earn his trust back now, he told one time that if I want to be his girlfriend I'll have to earn his trust back and it won't be overnight when he'll start trusting me again, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I love him so much and he doesn't have a clue, he's got an idea because of something I did when he was mad at me but I told him I didn't because I didn't want to run him off, I asked him one time did he like me because he doesn't act like it sometimes and he said "I like you, if I didn't you wouldn't be around me", he's helped me out a lot, I don't have my drivers license or a car and he's trying to help me get my license by helping me practice for my drivers test in his daughters car he bought for her, and he said he's going to try and help me get a car of my own later, one day we were talking and I left my phone on beside his bed while I went to the bathroom, and I had text messages from one of my guy friends in there and when I got back he said he read all of them, he got so jealous, he said "I thought you were serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me, now I know you're really not" and that guy was telling me about how he had a friend who had a car for me that he would help me get, and I told him that he didn't believe me, I guess thats a lot of what's wrong with us because now he's talking about finding another girlfriend but with the looks he gives me I think he's just trying to get a reaction out of me because he told me one time that he was a people watcher and he sometimes likes to say things to get a reaction out of people, and he also told me when we were just friends that he only liked dating one girl at a time, and now he's saying "we're just dating, I can do whatever I want and you can do whatever you want right?" I never answered him because it would have just caused us to get into a fight, I'm so scared of him finding somebody else with his little odd jobs that he works, he works during football season at a college thats 30 minutes away from here taking the students from the campus on a bus to bars and restaurants and to the stadium for football and things like that on some saturdays, and just this past saturday he told me that some drunk girls that he rode around tried to talk to him and told him he was cute, there's no telling what he really said but he says he would never lie to me about anything, he just made a joke and said "I guess they were just trying to get out of giving me a tip, I don't want to give up on him just yet, I love him, but I don't know what to do, should I sit him down and talk to him? if so, what do you guys think I should tell him, I would die if I lose him because he's the only person that cares about me, I'm sorry this is so long but I need the advice bad and I had to get all of this out.


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## pinksugar (Oct 12, 2008)

I think that you need to have a think about how you feel about him and make a decision about what you want.

Do you want to date exclusively? do you want to date casually? just be friends?

it sounds like he's unsure of what you really want since you haven't really been explicit about your feelings for him or what you expect from him.

I would make that decision about what you want from him and then sit down and have a chat with him about the things he's saying and whether he's serious or just getting a reaction from you.

Good luck! it sounds like a complex situation!


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## Dragonfly (Oct 13, 2008)

Don't get upset, its only my opinion...

If you were in your 30s and he was 20 years older, I'd feel a lot better about you dating an older man.

You are barely out of your teens and he is in his 40s - with a daughter almost your age?

It's not you I'm questioning, it's his desire to date someone so young.

I wonder if he has a need to be the boss and be controling?

Take your time getting to know him. With any healthy relationship comes honest and trust. Think about whether you really want him or how he makes you feel.

A lot of young men either don't know or forget that women need to be treated properly, romanced, pampered and so forth.

If your boyfriend could be romantic and attentive the way the old fellow is, would you take him back?

It's good to have some quality time of your own to think about what you really want and what is important to you.


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## christy271987 (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm not upset and everyones entitled to their opinion, but I'm happy when I'm with him, thats all that should matter, I've always liked him, if I had a daughter that wanted to date an older man twice her age like me, sure I would be a little upset, but if he makes her happy and he's good to her and doesn't try to control her or use her then I wouldn't say anything and I would be happy for her, I will NEVER go back to my ex-boyfriend, not only was he abusive but he was also immature for his age, and no he's not controlling, he does help me whenever I need it though, and I'm going to try and talk to him about him flirting with other women or finding another girlfriend eventually, I just don't know how I can bring it up to him, he hates talking about those kind of things, he's not very good with talking about his feelings, but I'll try, thanks everyone so far.


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## Adrienne (Oct 13, 2008)

After reading all this, it sounds like your describing a father more than a boyfriend except for the dating part of course. I don't see the problem with dating an older man but that's just how it seemed to me.

I would assume that a man his age does not have time for games and is way more sure of himself than a guy our age. Im 21 and guys our age are just like us, still figuring out what they want out of life and who they are. I just don't understand what would be so hard about just straight out telling him "Hey, I don't like how you flirt with other women." He seems to be pretty up and honest with you so how can he expect you to prove your trust to him and talk about these issues when he's not willing to open up himself? Seems hypocritical to me. Its very immature that he's bringing up other girls to kinda make you jealous. I'm sure that's all that is but you're reaction to this brings up some of your insecurities, maybe? But I also don't think he has the right to get mad over some guy texting to help you. Just because you're trying to prove your trust to him doesn't mean you have to change your life for him, if it's not for the best. If someone is trying to help you whether they be a guy or girl, he should have no reason to be suspicious. Trust takes time, you can't do one thing to make him forget all the lies. And why was he going through your phone? It's none of his business for him to read your messages. I'm married and I dont think it's my husband's business to go through my phone but I also don't shun him from doing so. I just require him to ask for my permission because it is still my personal item just like a wallet.

I don't get why you're so afraid to lose him. I know you really love him but do you personally feel that he loves you the same back? By the sound of all this it looks like you yourself are not so sure. This is something you need to ask him because when you love someone as much as say you do, you should be able to trust him completely and feel that the love you recieve is unconditional, not threatened by some girls trying to get a free ride.

I guess maybe you personally have some unresolved issues with your past abusive boyfriend. You and this guy don't seem to be in the same place mentally nor emotionally as not once did you mention that he said he loved you (I'm not saying he doesn't as maybe you just didn't mention it here). I know what it's like to be abused and controlled. I remember I desperately tried to hold on to what I had and prove myself genuine over and over again even though I had no reason to do so. I wasn't the one with the problems. I was very naive and stupid, trying to cling to whatever pathetic attempt the guy made to "please" me and was overjoyed when he even said "I love you" or gave me hug without me having to ask for it. If I were in your shoes, I would leave because it seems you're constantly trying to please this guy. This guy knows what you were going through with the past relationship and he seems to be taking advantage a bit, and this has nothing to do with age. You jumped from the abusive relationship to this relationship. Focus on yourself for awhile, make new friends. You shouldn't feel like this is the only person that cares about you. You have yourself and it doesn't look like you really give a damn about what happens to you.


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## christy271987 (Oct 13, 2008)

I didn't want to say anything about this because it makes me look stupid for doing it, when I knew I liked him and I told him, he started telling me how to dress, talk and act, like a puppet, and he hasn't told me he loves me, we were joking around with each other and he was like "nobody loves me either" because me and my mom had gotten into an argument and I said "well, I love you" and he just said "I love you too, I'm just not in love with you", thats kind of why I'm nervous about talking to him about it, and besides that he gets mad when I try to talk to him about us and his feelings for me and threatens to take me home if I'm at his house, he'll just say "we've already talked about this one time, do you want to hear it again?" I know I've probably already said it but he said that I won't be his girlfriend unless I decide to get a better job, and my own apartment, I'm not ready to move out so soon just yet, I'm about to go back to college to get my associates degree to be an accountant, and if I move out its not going to be for him, it'll be because I'm ready to, he has been like a father to me in the ways that he helps me out, he won't ever admit to it though, and once he was taking me home from work and I hinted at him I didn't want him having sex with other women and he just said that we're not that serious yet and we can still date whoever we want to, he's even told me that if I want to date somebody else that I like to just tell him and he said we'll just be friends, but when I'm around one of my guy friends he gets jealous acts like he's mad at me for being around other guys, in a way he acts like he loves me, but I think he just cares a lot about me, he's making me question his trust by saying he's open to dating someone else, I don't understand why, well, maybe its just me, I hope its not though, he does know that my ex-boyfriend hit me when I was with him and he told me wouldn't never hit me, and that if he got mad at me then he just wouldn't talk to me, and I do care but I just don't want to lose him to another woman just because he's got some issues that he needs to deal with, he does need to wake up and realize what he's doing though, but I do need some friends, I lost touch with all of my friends after I graduated a few years ago, thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it, I really needed it


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## Ricci (Oct 13, 2008)

If that was me Id tell him to hit the road he treats u badly


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## Adrienne (Oct 13, 2008)

Bear in mind that abuse is not always physical. It can be emotional, verbal, sexual, psychological and even economical.

Quote:
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE It is the abuserâ€™s use of physical and sexual force or threats that gives power to his psychologically abusive acts. Psychological abuse becomes an effective weapon in controlling a victim, because she knows through experience that her abuser will at times back up the threats or taunts with physical assaults. Psychological abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Breaks promises, doesnâ€™t follow through on agreements

or doesnâ€™t take a fair share of responsibility.

Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public.

Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities,

educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs or physical appearance.

Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has made previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality.

Forces her to do degrading things.

Ignores her feelings.

Withholds approval or affection as punishment.

Regularly threatens to leave or tells his partner to leave.

Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having.

Stalks her.

Always claims to be right.

Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy.

Remember that it is not your job to help him with his issues and if you wait for him to overcome them just so that he'll one day appreciate you, you might end up waiting forever and even if he does, you might not recieve any at all. It's like marrying someone and then hoping they'll change. It doesn't work. Old habits die hard and there are plenty of men who'll appreciate you without all this baggage. Don't ever place the blame of someone else's problems on yourself. They are not yours to bear. The fact is those issues are hurting you and that's unhealthy. If you lose him, he's gonna act the same way with other women the way he does with you. You seem very unhappy so why stay? Focus on your studies and forget about him. You're worth more than that. You say that he treated you like a puppet from the get go and from what you've written, not much else has changed. He changed you physically with all the clothes and junk and now he's trying to manipulate you mentally. The best way to end this is to cut him off completely and allow yourself to heal from all that you've been through before you enter a relationship. People respect people who respect themselves. Is there anyone like a guidance counselor that could help you?
I'm sorry you're going through so much sweetie but I do wish you the best. I hope you realize your worth soon before you dwell deeper into this neverending cycle.


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## Ricci (Oct 13, 2008)

Many women stay because they have low self esteem.. thinking thery wont find another man if they leave a relationship ect


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## Adrienne (Oct 14, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Many women stay because they have low self esteem.. thinking thery wont find another man if they leave a relationship ect I agree. Self esteem had everything to do with my thinking the guy would leave me for someone else.


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## christy271987 (Oct 21, 2008)

he's starting to spend less and less time with me now, I used to go over to his house 5pm until 10 monday-thursday and 5-11pm friday, saturday and sunday, I asked him why and he said he doesn't want me to get too attached to him, I wanted to say "too late" but I just knew better, I didn't see him last night because he said he had a bad headache and he's in a bad mood when he gets a headache so he told me to just stay home, I didn't call him all afternoon today and he called me at 2:20 and said "I haven't heard from you all day, I just wanted to see what you were up too" I called him back at 5 tonight to see if he could pick me up from the mall so we could spend some time together, and he said maybe, it depends on how I feel, I'm so sick of it, I want to talk to him but I don't know how to bring it up, I guess I'm just scared he'll reject me, thanks for the advice everyone from last time


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## Ricci (Oct 21, 2008)

Hmm looks to me he's already rejecting you

Originally Posted by *christy271987* /img/forum/go_quote.gif he's starting to spend less and less time with me I want to talk to him but I don't know how to bring it up, I guess I'm just scared he'll reject me, thanks for the advice everyone from last time


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## christy271987 (Oct 22, 2008)

I hope not, I didn't see him tonight, he said he was going to take a nap after I posted that last reply and call me back, that was almost 3 hours ago, I don't know what to do


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## patrica (Dec 3, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I agree. Self esteem had everything to do with my thinking the guy would leave me for someone else. Totally agree with you. I had seen the same thing in an opinion poll, and some 89% voters agreeing to it. May be its also because women have an inborn feeling of insecurity when they majorly rely on their partner. The fear that bf can easily bend towards another woman.


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## Joan_CD (Jan 6, 2009)

If he controls you now, imagine what it would be like if you were fully together.


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## blueangel1023 (Jan 6, 2009)

I just find it odd that your mom would set you up with a 42 yo guy after you broke up with your ex. Don't get me wrong, it's one thing to have a family friend be there for you...but if I had a daughter, I would let her sulk it out and give her time to pick her feet back up before even trying to set her up with someone (much less an older man) However, you did say he's been chasing you for 2 yrs and you didn't want a bf at that time...but then a couple of paragraph's later, you mentioned you guys were dating on and off for 2 yrs. It seems to me you're unsure of what you want from the get go.

Although what concerns me more isn't his age...but how he's controlling you. You say you love him, but there's a difference between love and infatuation. I know this because I was sort of in the same situation with an ex of mine. When I was 19, he was 27. Although we were only 8 yrs apart, he was still an older guy. He would drive me to work, school, pick me up, call me all the time, and I'll occasionally hang over at his place. At the time, I was young and naive and thought "ok this guy really likes me" but in truth he was just bending me to his will. It wasn't until a yr later I noticed the changes. He'd get really possessive and wants to know where I'm at, who I'm with, and he says he doesn't like the friends I hang with, wants me to stay at his place often, asks to borrow cash here and there, what I can or can't wear, what I should eat, etc. It just came to the point where we would argue about every little thing, and that he's always RIGHT and I'm wrong. There will be days he accuses me of trying to get with his friends. After trying to cut him off for a couple of months, he'd constantly call me every day and leave msg's to apologize and take him back. Ofc me being naive, I did...and things were ok for awhile, until it went haywire again. After 2-3 yrs of arguing back and forth, I finally called it QUITS. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. That's when I suddenly decided to put my life back on track.

I know it's easy to say "cut him off" but it can be hard after so many yrs of him manipulating you...but you just have to be strong and accept him for what he truly is. Sure you're thinking he's nice because he does things for you, but that's just his way of having control over you. What kind of guy would say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" or the fact he's telling you it's ok if you date other people, but you have to run it by him in terms of who you're seeing? Even the fact he's telling you other chicks are hitting on him to make you jealous isn't cool at all. I agree with Adrienne. Old habits die hard...and you should get out of this unhealthy relationship and focus on more important things. Good luck.


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## danaryan (Jan 6, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif If that was me Id tell him to hit the road he treats u badly It sounds like he has some control issues, I would be very careful of him. I'm surprised that your mom kind of set you up with him. Do like Ricci said.


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## shyiskrazy2 (Jan 6, 2009)

IMHO:

Ok, been there done that. You have got college (THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING BC NO MAN CAN EVER TAKE THAT FROM YOU) to finish and if he can't deal with that, then you need to let him go. I think he realizes that he's not mature enough to wait for you to finish college and living with your mom because he's starting to pull away and he has insecurity issues, too, being an older man and all. He sounds a bit controlling and he's not being upfront on his feelings because he doesn't want to get hurt (same for you), but you guys have got to be completely honest with each other if you want things to work out.



HTH.

PS I never listen to my mom on love issues because she's been married 3 times so I figure she still has no idea what she's talking about because she's so naive and gullible.


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## christy271987 (Jan 7, 2009)

after I started talking to this new guy I used to work with for a couple of months now I'm starting to like him more every time I see him, there's only a couple of problems, he got this girl pregnant he was having sex with and she was 5 months pregnant and she just lost the baby a week or 2 ago, he told one of our managers that he didn't even know if the baby was really his for sure or not because she's already got 3 other kids by somebody else, when we worked together before he quit he married her and he told our manager he only did it because he thought it was the right thing to do, I'm so confused, I met his mom about a couple of months ago, he texts me at least once a day and asks me what I'm doing and all, I want to see him but my moms such a big racist, it wouldn't be nothing but hell for me, he's 27, and the thing about him and his wife or whatever she is is that they don't live together and they don't see each other except for on the weekends, and they don't talk that much, I know I'm wrong for talking to him and he's married but he's the one that was after me to begin with, at first I didn't have any interest in him but he flirted with me and talked to me every time I came in to work and I guess he won me over because I grew to like him later, he's one of those guys thats got that charm to them, they know what to say to a woman to get them to have sex with them, he says he likes me a lot, but I haven't got one text message from him since the 1st of january, if he likes me he sure doesn't act like he does, I don't know what to do about this guy, I don't really want to let him go but I can't tell if he really likes me like he says he does or not

and before anyone comes back around and says anything rude to me about this new situation, I can't help who I like even if they're married or not married, I know even talking to him is wrong but I told him no plenty of times at work and he still wouldn't leave me alone and my mangers even encouraged him by telling him I liked him all the time, and if I know for sure he loves this woman he's married to I'll leave him alone and won't talk to him anymore because I'm not the type of person thats out to destroy someone else's marriage, I'm not a bad person at all, I wish I had never had gotten feelings for him in the first place, I do not see him enough, I've already gotten too attached to him, I just think he's not happy and thats why he's talking to me in the first place, I work with a girl at work thats good friends with him and his wife knows her and she doesn't even want him talking to her and they're like brother and sister, and she's about to get married in a couple of months, she doesn't want him having any female friends and I heard she tries to control him whenever she's around him, no wonder he's probably not happy, he's never brought her up to me when I was around him except for 1 time, I pick the worst men to fall for


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## pinksugar (Jan 7, 2009)

wow Christy!

I'm not being rude here, and of course you can't help who you like!

but... if he can do this to her, and get all involved in this drama, how do you think he will treat you? you have to judge people by their previous actions, and sure, she might not have been faithful, but for starters, he never should have married her just 'because it was the right thing to do' if he wasn't 100% about paternity, and if he did, he should stick with it. Failing that, he should not be harassing you until he's emotionally and legally free.

I would seriously reconsider going for this guy, but if you can't, then I would sit down and have a chat with him about what he's prepared to do. I would explain that I don't feel happy flirting with him because I know he's married. I'd even say, yes, I really like you, but what you're doing is wrong, and I'm not comfortable with it.

Find out what he wants from you and where he stands. He may be a really lovely guy that's just got himself into a complex situation, but you don't want to be taken advantage of - nor do you want his wife coming back to you and accusing you of breaking up their marriage.

Best of luck! I hope everything works out! keep us updated


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## christy271987 (Jan 7, 2009)

she's not going to accuse me of breaking up their marriage because he shouldn't have gave his phone number out to me in the first place and he shouldn't have gotten mine from someone else, I didn't mean for that to sound mean, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to explain things from my point of view, but like I said before he's probably not happy with her by the way he talks, and I heard she was going around behind his back seeing other guys too and he doesn't know about it yet. he's supposed to come see me tomorrow after I get off from work at 5 or 5:30, we're definitely going to go somewhere and sit down and have a long talk about this because 1. he's not going to use me or hurt me and 2. I refuse to see him if he loves his wife because I'm not going to break up anybody's marriage. he's already said he loves me once, he doesn't love me, he doesn't even know me, I don't see him enough for him to love me, and he's talking about when he gets his income tax money back he wants us to get an apartment together, hello?! what about that woman you're supposed to be married to?! I think he's just fantasizing


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## pinksugar (Jan 7, 2009)

well, C, it sounds like he's not behaving in a rational way - maybe he said all this stuff to her in the past, and he'll do the same to you when the thrill has worn off...

It sounds like you are doubting him yourself. You really need to have that talk and see where things go.

I just wanted to say, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but regardless of whether he's happy with her or not, he's made a commitment and he's not in a position to give you what he's offering.

For myself... I would steer clear of this guy like you would not believe!


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## christy271987 (Jan 7, 2009)

that's just my opinion and I'm probably just saying that because I'm not married myself or because I've never been married but of course everyone that's married is going to have a different opinion and say it in their own little way that I really am wrong for doing what I'm doing but hey, I feel I met him for a reason, why? heck, I don't know yet but I do understand where everyone else is coming from when they tell me things like you did, I just wish I could find somebody to talk to about this thats been in the same or in a similar situation so I could get a little more understanding as to what could or will happen, because he could just tell me lies just to keep me around even when I do talk to him, I'm going to text him in the morning to make sure he's still coming to see me tomorrow night, I know he doesn't like me just for the sex like everyone thinks because I've had at least 4 or 5 people from work tell me he likes me, he may have made a commitment but why did he marry her if he was just going to sleep with other people behind her back? and the same for her, wait, also how can you be married to someone and not live together or see them or talk to them that much? I'm just saying it sounds like they just married each other for one reason and I don't know what that is, but from the sounds of it, it sure as heck doesn't sound like they married each other because of love thats for sure, it's too obvious for a lot of reasons, thats the only point I'm trying to make, thank you for the advice so far though, I'll remember it, I am thinking about being just friends with him until he decides what he really wants and until we have our talk, thank you


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## pinksugar (Jan 7, 2009)

I think that sounds like a great place to start.

It does sound like they're growing apart, and being friends until you know what's going on can't hurt!

Good luck chicken! it sounds like a really complicated situation


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