# Ladies, I need your advice



## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 16, 2008)

Ok, this is my situation. A couple nights ago as I was getting off work, I seen my boyfriends ex in the store. Instantly my face turned bright red and I wanted to turn around and punch her in the face but I don't want to lose my job. I was waiting for my friend to get off work so that we could go get food for her bf and my bf.

When we got done getting the food and taking it to them I told him I needed to talk to him. Well I asked him if there was someone that has come to Walmart that shouldnt have. He asked what I was talking about and I told him that I seen his ex walk by the area that he works and he said that her and her friend who I thought was my friend came in a while ago and talked to him.

I asked what they talked about and he said that his ex kept goin on about how awesome her bf is and blah blah. He said they only talked for about 2 mins and they left and she called him an f*ckin a**hole.

I guess what Im gettin at is that he never told me about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said that he didn't because he didn't want any drama. I started crying but I couldn't help it. I feel like if he can hide that from me then no tellin what else he's hidin from me.

He told me that he doesn't have time to have another girlfriend nor does he have the money to spend on another girlfriend and I believe him on that. It just pisses me off because I still wouldn't know about it if I wouldn't have seen her. Now on the days that I'm off and he works even on the days that we both work, I sit there and question if she's there visiting him.

How would you ladies have handled the situation? I know he's not doing anything but he knows what he's done in the past and that's what makes me question things. I love him and I know he loves me but its just hard ya know. I'm sorry if this is long but I feel like I needed to get this out. If you couldn't tell we work together just in different departments.


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## SimplyElegant (Feb 16, 2008)

Maybe he thought that it wasn't worth bringing up because nothing happened and he figured that you would worry about it. Or maybe he thinks that him talking to her for a few moments isn't a big deal especially if their conversation was completely innocent. It might not be that he's trying to hide something from you. He probably figured that it wasn't a big deal and thought that you wouldn't have seen her and telling you would be more trouble than it was worth possibly especially if he doesn't want anything to do with her and doesn't want to cause any trouble within your relationship.


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## Maysie (Feb 16, 2008)

Well its always going to be tough seeing your boyfriend's exes. I would probably be upset if my boyfriend didn't mention it too, but I sort of see his point. I mean, why mention her it's only going to be unpleasant...and from the sounds of their conversation, it was a meaningless and rude attempt on her behalf to piss him off. Obviously it meant so little to him, that he wanted to forget it even happened, and not upset you. I would totally ignore her if I were you, she's just trying to stir crap up and its getting under her skin that she can't get to him. If you are otherwise happy with your relationship, I'd say just trust him until you have a reason not to. Don't let her presence worry you...the fact that she has to come up to his work and flaunt the fact that she has a boyfriend is proof of how far removed she is from his life right? And haven't you been together for a couple of years?


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 16, 2008)

I understand your point but the thing of it is is that he would have gotten mad if he seen my ex walk past my department one night while he was working and he asked me about it and I never told him that he talked to me. That's the one thing that pisses me off. You get what I'm tryin to say?


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## SimplyElegant (Feb 16, 2008)

Have you talked about how he would have reacted if he had been you before? Just try to let it go. I don't really understand the point of having a relationship with someone that you can't trust. I think it could have just been a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. As long as he doesn't try to contact her, try not to worry about it. That won't help at all.


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## Maysie (Feb 16, 2008)

Originally Posted by *sweetnsexy6953* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I understand your point but the thing of it is is that he would have gotten mad if he seen my ex walk past my department one night while he was working and he asked me about it and I never told him that he talked to me. That's the one thing that pisses me off. You get what I'm tryin to say? It doesn't seem like he intended to keep things from you on purpose. The fact that he told you what the conversation was about proves how trivial he thought the encounter was. I would only get upset if she continued to visit him, because if he didn't feed into her ego and her dumb story about her new boyfriend, she'd have no reason to come see him again.
But, if its still bugging you, maybe yall could have a conversation about how you'd like to be kept in the loop about things like this, just so you don't have to hear about it later and have doubts...


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 16, 2008)

Yea I told him that the next time it happens I want to be informed about it. It would of happened twice now but he wasnt working when I seen him. She doesn't live on that part of town so she made an attempt to see him. They've been broken up for over 3 years now and she wants him. I know he doesn't want her or anything to do with her, it just makes me mad that he hid it from me. I don't like drama and he doesnt either so I understand but I just dont like the idea of him hiding things like that from me. I'd rather of been told when it happened then for me to see her and then question him about it.


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## mahreez (Feb 16, 2008)

i agree with maysie.

i think he's not doing this to hurt you on purpose. he just wants to avoid hurting you or maybe ruining your day by not telling you. i mean, i'm sure you won't be thrilled to hear that he talked to his ex anyway. besides, from what you said, it seems to be a trivial conversation anyway, so no need to worry about it.

i've been in similar situations before and at first i wanna know everything but then i realize if it's not that important for my bf to bring it up, then i guess it's doesn't matter anyway. i mean, it will sound weird if he'd be like, hey i just talked to my ex...blah, blah. i wouldn't even be thrilled to hear her name anyway.

hope you iron it out soon.


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## madchenrogue (Feb 16, 2008)

I honestly think its a question of insecurity/trust. No matter how big or small the city you live in, you are likely to bump into a person you despise-- its life. What both of you need to understand is that THE PAST IS THE PAST--period. Because if either one of you were holding feelings for the exes, you would not have bothered to be in a relationship in the first place. What both of you need to understand is that YOU both love each other and care for one another. And if so and so's ex HAPPEN to be by the store, check-out line ..or just under any circumstance is that you need to approach it like a mature adult, secure in your relationship with no grudges for anyones exes. Its history and move on. BUT if you have moved on BUT the other person is STILL insecure with the situation, to ME that's a warning sign of jealousy and trust issues. And this my friend, will sooner or later cause you heartache and heartbreak.


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## Dragonfly (Feb 16, 2008)

Sweetnsexy, all these ladies are giving great advice.

I'm going to add a few things, but I may be blunt:

He did not approach her at her job - she approached him.

Yet you are holding him responsible for her actions.

If you knew your BF was going to become bolistic if someone he despised came into your employment, and said a few meaningless words to you:

Would you tell your bf or forget it? Would you want him to get upset, angry, cry? Or would you keep it to yourself and avoid his angry reaction?

Relationships are based on trust- among other things. If the sheer name of his ex drives you crazy, you need to question whether you should be with your bf or not. As well, making demands and giving ultimatums never work - all they do is cause resentment.

Did you ever receive counceling to deal with his previous discretion - I assume he messed around?

Until you can get passed his behaviour, you will always have a slow brew inside. Everytime he or she makes you jealous, you will overreact and creat the very drama that you hate.

Bottom line:

Seek out counceling so you can get past the past. If you don't, then consider moving on from this relationship.

You deserve happiness.

IMO happiness is not walking on eggshells, always uncertain if you have been betrayed again.

Best of luck honey


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## shyiskrazy2 (Feb 16, 2008)

You gotta have trust on both sides, or it will never work. However, pay attention to the little things that he does and if he lies about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was with, then that would raise some red flags about his commitment level. At least he didn't try to lie to you, he just didn't want to upset you. GL in love, hon.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 16, 2008)

I understand what you ladies are tryin to tell me. I do love and trust him, its her I don't trust. She's tried so many times to get us to break up. I'm lettin this one slide but if it happens again, then I'ma hafta kick her ass, lol. I just wish she would move on from him and let us be. I want to move away from this town so that we don't have to deal with crap like this. That's life tho. She's told him before that she cant stand to see him happy. I thank all of you for your help. I do really appreciate it.


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## mahreez (Feb 17, 2008)

Originally Posted by *sweetnsexy6953* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I understand what you ladies are tryin to tell me. I do love and trust him, its her I don't trust. She's tried so many times to get us to break up. I'm lettin this one slide but if it happens again, then I'ma hafta kick her ass, lol. I just wish she would move on from him and let us be. I want to move away from this town so that we don't have to deal with crap like this. That's life tho. She's told him before that she cant stand to see him happy. I thank all of you for your help. I do really appreciate it. i know what you mean by this, but if your bf really loves you and vice-versa no one should be able to break you apart. don't worry.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 17, 2008)

I'm not going to worry about it anyone more right now, but like I said, if it happens again he doesn't tell me and I find out for myself....there will be heck to pay. Lol.


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## jakk-attakk (Feb 17, 2008)

i get why you're mad. it does sound like she still wants him. i mean if she was totally over him and wasnt thinking about him, why would she go to all the effort of going across town to his work just to tell him she has a new boyfriend? shes trying to piss him off and make him jealous. so she's obviously a bit delusional because its been 3 years and he doesnt care.

but thats a reason to be mad at her, its not his fault. he didnt invite her over, he didnt ask her to come talk to him. she did it to get on his nerves. and he probably didnt tell you because he didnt think there was anything worth telling. if it was only a 2 minute conversation and she spent it cussing him out and telling him how happy she is with her boyfriend he probably genuinely thought it wasnt worth mentioning. men dont see the games women play the way we do and they tend to take everything at face value.

dont let her get to you.


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## Annia (Feb 18, 2008)

I don't get it. I am sorry. The only problem I see is the one you're making for yourself. There's no reason to worry about it, and if you can't help it... just tell him that--that you want to know every detail about whatever you might think is a cause for suspicion because you can't handle not knowing.

Good luck! The best way to mitigate problems is to talk them over.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 19, 2008)

Yea, she doesn't like that fact that we are still together. She's tried to get us to break up so many times and it still hasn't happened. Like I said I'm not going to let this one get to me. If she makes the effort again then I'll take matters into my own hands. I know it's not his fault. He didn't ask her to come there. That's why I'm not taking it out on him anymore. So for now it's in the past.


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## 4getmeNot (Feb 19, 2008)

ok hunni, i'm glad you're feeling better about the situation! girls can be soo catty &amp; jealous. . . he's with you &amp; he's been with you. don't let it bother you. at all.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Apr 27, 2008)

Ok so ladies. It's happening again. She's textin(her number became unblocked and it happened a couple times) and making her way clear across town just to see him at work. What should I do?!? Should I confront her or what? I really need your advice. It's really gettin to me.


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## S. Lisa Smith (Apr 27, 2008)

Don't confront her!!! Especially not at work!!!! Just ignore her, she's doing this to make you crazy and if you don't react, she will get tired and leave (I hope).


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## Johnnie (Apr 27, 2008)

I truly don't believe you "know he's not doing anything." You're paranoid about it and that only proves you don't trust him. You're only contradicting yourself and it's not making sense. I'm not being rude I just think you need to either trust him or not and stop flipping back and forth.

Originally Posted by *sweetnsexy6953* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ok so ladies. It's happening again. She's textin(her number became unblocked and it happened a couple times) and making her way clear across town just to see him at work. What should I do?!? Should I confront her or what? I really need your advice. It's really gettin to me. I, honestly, don't see why you're allowing things like this to happen. If you feel so strongly about something then maybe you should put your foot down and let him know it's this way or the highway.


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## StereoXGirl (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow, this really sounds like a lose-lose situation right now for your bf! He can't really control her actions, and if he tells you what she's doing, then you'll get mad. If he doesn't tell you and you find out, then you'd be even more mad! Your feelings are totally valid, but it just sucks for him!

Has he tried telling her to back off and that he's not interested?


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Apr 28, 2008)

I know he's not doing anything. He doesnt like her. She tries to contact him. She walked up to him last night and said hi and hes like yea( the way that someone irritates the crap out of you) and walks away. Her and her friend follow him and yell well fine don't talk to us and hes like k( the way you would when someone tells you what to do and you dont to). He's told her off plenty of times before and nothing seems to get through to her. I think the only way to completely get rid of her is if we move or she moves. I wanna confront her but I don't want her to know that shes gettin under my skin cuz thats what she wants to do. I do trust him, its her I don't trust. I didn't see her, he told me when we were going to break. So like I said I do trust him, if I didn't, I wouldn't be him.


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## KatJ (Apr 28, 2008)

If you trust him, dont worry about it. Just let it go. Yeah, it sucks when ex's rear there ugly heads, but what can you do? It's not worth the drama nor the stress.

Can he block the texts?


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Apr 28, 2008)

I blocked the texts from gettin through. He cant send em and she cant either. He had to get a new phone and her number became unblocked that way but she finds other ways to get ahold of him. Yea it does suck whenever she tries to get us to fight. He thought that I was mad at him and I told him I wasnt and that I was mad at her. We've been together for over 2 years and they've been broken up for over 3. You'd think that she'd be over him by now. Grrrr! It just agrivates me so much and I can't help that it bothers me.


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## laurreenn (Apr 30, 2008)

i totally know how you feel about the part where you wondered what else he might be doing behind your back if he could hide this. i think you should talk to him about how it's not necessarily the ex visiting that hurt, but the fact that he didn't tell you before you confronted him. tell him that from now on, you would like to know about these things so that you can have a stronger trust for him and for the relationship. hopefully that will send the message home, and you can breathe easier and not feel as nervous.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (May 1, 2008)

Originally Posted by *laurreenn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i totally know how you feel about the part where you wondered what else he might be doing behind your back if he could hide this. i think you should talk to him about how it's not necessarily the ex visiting that hurt, but the fact that he didn't tell you before you confronted him. tell him that from now on, you would like to know about these things so that you can have a stronger trust for him and for the relationship. hopefully that will send the message home, and you can breathe easier and not feel as nervous. After I confronted him he told me that the next time it happened he would tell me and he did. Like I said Im just annoyed that she still tries ya know. It's like seriously move on, he's done it now you need to as well. Get over the past. You guys broke up for a reason and if he wanted you back then he'd be with you...but is he with you...no he's with me so leave us alone. Girls can be such *****es.


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## laurreenn (May 2, 2008)

yea that sucks but what can you do you know? girls like that are just like that, and no matter what you say to them they won't stop being petty &amp; dramatic. as long as you know you and your boyfriend are strong, then that's all that matters.


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## SimplyElegant (May 2, 2008)

Just be indifferent towards her. She wants attention and if you guys won't give it to her, she might just decide to move on to another ex instead. By not having anything to do with her is really the best revenge and the best thing that you can do. Hope that helps.


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## Kalico (May 2, 2008)

He probably didn't mention it to you because it didn't really "register" to him. Like, if someone really unimportant to you runs into you and you chat or whatever, you forget about it as soon as they're gone.

I know how easy it is to go crazy over your SO's exes. I think we just have it in our genes. Or at least some of us do lol. But... I think you should let this one go. Let him think you're a calm, collected girl which is totally unlike his psycho annoying ex. When you act like she doesn't phase you, you'll seem SO much better than her (and you are, right??




come on now) and your boy will love it.

Try to stay calm and talk to your friends, don't bring him into it. That is... as long as you're totally confident there isn't something going on there.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (May 2, 2008)

Im confident that they arent doing anything. I'm lettin it go but its just annoying. Thank you all ladies for your wonderful help!


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## laurreenn (May 2, 2008)

hope it works out let us know how everything goes.


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