# 5 Financial Rules for Shacking Up



## Adrienne (May 16, 2009)

Having lost most of my CD collection and almost all of my sanity in two "cohabitation divorces," I have learned a thing or two about living with a significant other. In both cases, I entered a joint lease with my love after spending lots of time fantasizing about snuggling up every night on 800-thread-count sheets and almost no time thinking about what it would mean to Live With My Boyfriend.

As a result, we never talked about our long-term plans for the relationship, who would pay for what, how chores would be divided or how we would split jointly purchased loot if (when) we broke up. Experts confirm what I learned from experience:

These lapses lead directly to interpersonal Armageddon.

As a service to anyone thinking about cohabitating with a significant other, I present, in order of importance, the Five Things You Absolutely Must Do Before Shacking Up. Ignore this advice at your peril.

*1. Have the 'relationship' talk before you agree to move in*

Is this the first step toward marriage or a way to save on rent? Either answer is fine as long as the two of you are on the same page.

"Sometimes people go about moving in with assumptions about how the other person feels, then they're surprised when they talk about it," says Marshall Miller, a co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project in Brooklyn, N.Y., and a co-author of "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple." "That's when you're headed for trouble."

It's a hard conversation but one you have to have. It might not sound terribly important from a financial perspective, but moving in -- then out again -- can get very expensive. You will save yourself a lot of dough if you and your partner align your relationship vision before calling the movers.

*2. Decide who pays for what*

If you both make roughly the same amount of money, this part is pretty easy. Figure out how high on the hog you want to live. Then split the joint expenses for that lifestyle down the middle. The simplest way to do this is to set up a joint bank account, have a portion of your paycheck automatically transferred from your personal account into the joint account each month, then have all your joint expenses paid electronically from that account.

Get a joint credit card for common items such as groceries, dinners out, etc. Pay that card with the joint checking account. This means no forgetting to pay bills, no late fees, no recriminations; no one gets stuck with unpaid bills if you split up.

When one partner makes significantly more money than the other, things get sticky. Again, the cure is talk. Do you both want to contribute an equal percentage of your income to the joint account? Whose income will determine the standard of living that you have? In lieu of cash, will the poorer partner provide services in kind, such as housekeeping, the laundry and cooking?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer here, but have the conversation, so at the very least you're both in agreement and no one feels financially used or financially helpless in the relationship.

A note about rent: If one partner owns a home and the other moves in, experts advise that the nonowner contribute only as much as he or she was spending in rent before the move. Any more than that could be seen as contributing to the equity of the home, and, according to Kraig Kast, the CEO of Atherton Trust in Redwood Shores, Calif., some courts have ruled that the nonowner is entitled to a return on that investment.

Kast advises that unless marriage is definitely in the plan, it is best to keep financial matters separate. If you both agree this is just a trial or convenience cohabitation, it's probably best to limit the number of joint purchases of assets.

*3. Decide how you'll divvy up chores*

You don't have to draft a complicated chore calendar, but agree on how you'll split household chores. The good news for live-in lovers is that research has shown they tend to divide chores in a more egalitarian, less gender-based way than do married couples. So you've got that going for you. The bad news is that chores are a proxy for everything that is wrong about a relationship, so it is vital that this bomb be defused at the start.

Some couples feel that the person who earns the most money should have fewer household chores. I believe chore load should be based on the amount of free, nonworking time each partner has. Some divide the chore list based on competencies; others literally draw from a hat to see who does what. Set up a plan to deal with the inevitable chore slacking. If you can afford it, I'm a big advocate of outsourcing as many of the nasty chores as possible. It frees up more time to enjoy each other and prevents arguments. A cleaning lady is lots cheaper than couples counseling.

*4. Develop a breakup plan in advance*

It's much easier to do this when you're in love than when you want to kill each other. And no, you don't need a lawyer (although, for those with significant assets to protect, a legally binding do***ent is safest, says Kast). Debra Neiman, a certified financial planner at Neiman &amp; Associates Financial Services in Arlington, Mass., says it's perfectly acceptable to just sit down in front of a computer, write down who is bringing what into the communal home (especially big-ticket items), create a dissolution plan for jointly purchased items and identify which of you will move out if you break up.

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If one partner has more assets, the other should explicitly state that he or she asserts no rights to the wealthier partner's assets and has no intention of living in the same location or maintaining the couple's existing lifestyle in the event of a split. If you want the decisions to be more binding than a handshake, you can have the agreement notarized.

*5. Never, ever move in with someone who is unemployed*

Just don't. Trust me on this. If one of you loses your job after you move in together, that's a different matter. But you're a fool if you bring that type of emotional and financial drama into your life on purpose.

None of this sounds very romantic, and it's not, but these conversations are crucial. They're also a great way to determine whether your future live-in is interested in you or just your money, Kast says. Having ground rules from the outset is better than making it up as you go and inevitably paying for it on the back end -- whether with cash, compact discs or your sanity.

*Source*


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## Darla (May 16, 2009)

all makes good sense


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## Adrienne (May 16, 2009)

We still have a chore problem...


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## Aprill (May 16, 2009)

Rule #6: Dont shack up at all...too much drama...99% of them go downhill and they always waste the justice system's time saying this belongs to them and that belongs to them


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## Dragonfly (May 17, 2009)

Completely agree with April!!!

Do not move in with your partner unless you are married first.

If you are doing it for the money - find a friend or a same sex room mate.

A lot of places do not view a common law couple as anything more than two room mates.

So if the relationship fails, good luck in getting the courts to straighten out the mess.


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## Lucy (May 17, 2009)

i have to disagree- i think it's HIGHLY important to live with your partner first before you marry them. you seriously don't know someone truly until you've lived with them. and a divorce and moving out is more expensive than just moving out.

my uncle just got divorced from a woman he met, dated, married and THEN moved in with. they were just different people and they didn't realise until they tried to live together- she had all sorts of mood swings and weird controlling behaviour that just didn't come across when they were dating. it's the same with the girls i live with now in the shared house i'm in. i get on with them great, but i've learnt a lot more about them than i would have if we were just friends, and frankly some of it's quite ugly.

property and assets can't be that hard to sort out surely if you get them all written up like that article suggests?


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## Dragonfly (May 17, 2009)

What's wrong with dating someone for a few years, then becoming engaged, then getting married?

I'd wager that should take a minimum of three years before tying the knot.

Surely, one should know their prospective spouce by then?

But then again, there are socialpaths out there that are great at fooling anyone - whether you live with them or not.


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## pinksugar (May 17, 2009)

I think I see both sides. Date for 2-3 years, get engaged, move in, break it off prior to the wedding if it doesn't work out.

LOL.

Actually i have no idea what I'd do in real life....

good advice in the article though!


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## Darla (May 17, 2009)

I don't know I used to think living together was no big deal, like it is an expected stage before getting ready to be married. So I guess since I had done it and it worked out fine I had always gone with the assumption that it would be fine for most people. But i have to be honest I've heard enough of these pitfalls already that I probably wouldn't want my daughter to do that now even though I did. So I do find these discussions informative.


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## nydoll23 (May 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Lucy* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i have to disagree- i think it's HIGHLY important to live with your partner first before you marry them. you seriously don't know someone truly until you've lived with them. and a divorce and moving out is more expensive than just moving out. 
my uncle just got divorced from a woman he met, dated, married and THEN moved in with. they were just different people and they didn't realise until they tried to live together- she had all sorts of mood swings and weird controlling behaviour that just didn't come across when they were dating. it's the same with the girls i live with now in the shared house i'm in. i get on with them great, but i've learnt a lot more about them than i would have if we were just friends, and frankly some of it's quite ugly.

property and assets can't be that hard to sort out surely if you get them all written up like that article suggests?



I agree about living with ur partner first before you marry them. the truth really comes out when u live with someone!!

Great advice,funny too


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## -Chelsey- (May 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Lucy* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i have to disagree- i think it's HIGHLY important to live with your partner first before you marry them. you seriously don't know someone truly until you've lived with them. and a divorce and moving out is more expensive than just moving out. I completely agree, I would never marry someone without living with them for at least a year first. I don't even consider me and my bf 'common law married'. If we broke up, I wouldn't even think about going to a lawyer for it cause we aren't married and I think we could figure things out on our own.
BUT then again, I don't want to get married at all so I guess I don't count. haha


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## reesesilverstar (May 18, 2009)

Dude, see me and come live with me are 2 totally VERY DIFFERENT things... In my own relationship there was so much stuff that I didn't know about on a day to day basis that I only found out AFTER we moved in together. In the earlies, I spent so much time noting and pointing out things that I could not deal with. So many fights... I would prolly tell my kids they should try living together once they're engaged and see if you can stand this person 24/7. It's definitely good training for a lifetime of cohabitation.


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## Killah Kitty (May 23, 2009)

I liked this article... thank you





Me and my BF are thinking of moving in together in a few months or so... but Im unemployed so that article made me say Uh Oh... lol... and even worse my BF doesn't have a fixed income. He's looking into getting a different job but for now his income is different every week or even daily. I think Ill be going back to school and getting asistance so yea I guess I can already fore see fiancial problems... we say it can work and I have faith in it but what do you girls think from an outside opinion? Just curious.

And on that note I do have my family's support... in my plans and fiancially I know they will help me out with some of my own expenses like clothes and hair products and stuff for our place but still I wonder how it will be lol.


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## pinksugar (May 23, 2009)

Killah, I def. dont see a problem moving in with each other, but if it was me, I wouldn't do so until I, myself, had a stable income. Otherwise you'll be spending a whole lot of time moving back IN with your parents.

Do it once, do it right, and wait until you can afford it financially YOURSELF, you know? I'd at least want a stable income in the form of a full time job





I'm pretty cautious though!


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## Lucy (May 23, 2009)

i agree with rosie, if it were me i'd wait until i was stable on my own two feet financially. other wise if anything, you'll have a complete imbalance in the relationship, he'll be the one with the money and you'll just be living off him. it's not a position i'd really want to be in.


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## Geek (May 23, 2009)

Dr. Laura wouldn't like this!!!! LOL


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## Killah Kitty (May 31, 2009)

Thanks for the replies!



Yes... were not going to rush into it. I dont like the hassle of moving so I want to do it right.


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## Sherbert-Kisses (Jun 1, 2009)

I totally agree that some people just move in with their partner without giving much consideration to the actualities of what it entails. The bills, the responsibility, the chores. I've lived with my guy for about ten and a half months now, we have more of an unspoken understanding of things. We never really sat down and discussed things (other than bills and what would go in who's name). For a relationship to work in a cohabitation environment there needs to be a level of compromise. It's not gonna work if one of you nags the other whilst the other one sulks. I generally do most of the cleaning and stuff, but that's because I like to do it myself. My boyfriend is in charge of the things that involve carrying heavy things, mainly the shopping! Hehe. Also, I find it works best when both people are capable of being independent but also able to acknowledge when they need the support of the other (financially or otherwise...) When it feels like the right thing to do I think you know... My relationship is one year and four months old... moving in together after 5 months would kill most relationships.. Mine has thrived... It's all down to the individual.

=]


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## Lucy (Dec 7, 2009)

i know this is an old thread but i just reread this, as me and my bf are thinking of moving in together next year after i graduate in june. the thing is i won't have a job. i can't get one now because i don't think i can concentrate enough on my final year with a job, even part time, so it will have to wait until after i've graduated.

my bf currently works in a bar, doing 3-4 shifts a week earning around Â£80 a week, which obviously is not enough money so he's been looking for another job. if he gets one, a proper one with a salary (though he wouldn't earn more than Â£20,000 right now probably) , are we doing the right thing moving in together when i don't have a job? i'd obviously be looking for one, but he'd have to provide for the first few months. i have savings but i'm kinda loathed to use them. i guess at a pinch my parents could help me out but i sorta want to do this by myself.

practically speaking its the only way we can do it. his current tenancy ends in june, mine ends in june. not moving in together in 2010 would mean another 6 months to a year apart, long distance with me living back with my parents in leeds (two hours away). any thoughts/advice?


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## lalalalila (Dec 7, 2009)

Very good advice. I'm moving in with my fiance within the next year or two. I still have a lot to think about and the two of us still have a lot to discuss. This is a good start. Thanks!


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## Chaeli (Dec 7, 2009)

I can't imagine sitting down and making a breakup plan with the one I have already decided to commit my life with before making a commitment. If I were in the frame of mind that I needed a breakup plan, I simply would realize that person isn't the right one for me to begin with. I made a commitment and I will fulfill it completely at all costs.

I pay for everything. I chose that so their employment is meaningless to me. I make more than enough for everything. Splurging included. I leave then everything is theirs although I sincerely doubt that ever happens. They leave then they are free to take anything they desire. I can replace anything and I'm not material so it doesn't matter.

I work and am also more than willing to do any chore asked of me at home. That isn't an issue.

I would never ever marry anyone without living with them first. Most people are not compatible as actual living mates even if they have known each other all their lives. If it doesn't work out the first six months it wouldn't work out in a lifetime commitment and is much easier to walk away from than having to go through the legal issues marriage brings into the relationship.


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## MomentoMoir (Jan 13, 2010)

I moved in with my bf not even a month after dating bc he was getting me out of my aunts house bc she hit me

we lived in a tent for 3 months bc thats all we could afford but it was aced and comfortable we built our own house while we lived in the tent i got laid off and was looking for a job while doing that i basically became a house wife/personal assistant.

ATM were living in a 8x16 house we built on the land his parents gave him and we have no payments. We own our own car now about to get a free that one of my family members gave and go to beauty school for free bc my family is helping out and i think i got a job

I've had to learn how to deal with his lil annoyances its easier for us to get along bc we have the same hobbies and interest. He loves hair and looking good. I think hes better at fashion then i am.

We have now been living together for 7 months and it'll be 8month ann. on the 15th

The chores are done by me unless hes off and im running errands this will change once i start school and work

and he pays for everything since im jobless atm


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