# A Serious Relationship Problem



## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

I apologize this is long but its killing me inside and I need advice. I know every marriage has ups and downs, and right now, Iâ€™m at a pretty steep down.

I have been married for 9 years and I love my husband. We have two kids together and you would think we are a prefect family. But my problem is, from day one of our marriage, my husband has never gotten along with my mom. He hates everything about her. Not only does my _husband_ hate my mom, so does the rest of his family. I will be the first to admit, my mom has flaws, most of the time she doesnâ€™t think before she talks. But the fact is, she is my mom and I canâ€™t change her even if I wanted to. My mom knows that this is affecting my relationship with my husband and has tried to back off. But my husband still finds something about her to complain about.

Just this morning, we were talking about something, and it turned into an argument (it was about me ironing his pants), then my husband says, you are acting just like your mom. â€œYou are just like herâ€ â€œYou have her genesâ€. I have told him millions of times; donâ€™t bring my mom in the middle of this (whenever we argue about anything he finds a way to bring her into the picture).

His solution to everything is, if you donâ€™t like my behavior, if you canâ€™t get along with me, just end it and leave. I want to believe he doesnâ€™t mean that and he just says it in the heat of the moment because other times, when we not fighting, I have asked him do you mean it when you say, just end it, and he says, no.

I really canâ€™t imagine my life without him and I do love him very much, plus I would do everything in my power to have my kids grow up in a happy family environment, with both my husband and I. I would do anything to make it work.

I really hope this is a phase and it passes, like other times weâ€™ve had arguments. But I really wish there was a long term solution.


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## reesesilverstar (Sep 16, 2008)

Wow... My advice would be to tell him during the calmer moments to leave your mom out of the arguments when they do come up. And stop using her as his crutch... Not in those words exactly, but something along those lines. That way he can focus on what's really his problem with you, and you guys can work on it from there. Not saying that you are a problem, but I think your mom always coming into the picture clouds things...

And I mean if yr mom is backing off, then she can't be that bad... So he needs to figure out what's the real problem...


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## -Chelsey- (Sep 16, 2008)

I'm so sorry your going through this! I can't really give that great of advice because I've never been in a situation like this but have you considered counseling? It isn't right that your husband is bringing up your mom or saying that your just like her when you get into arguments. It's like throwing it in your face or something and that isn't right.

Maybe family counseling where your mom can come too and they can get down to the reasons why they don't get along and can maybe solve them. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be if my bf didn't like my mom, she's everything to me.

I hope everything works out for you and your family!


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## reesesilverstar (Sep 16, 2008)

Good luck kiddo.. Somebody with more experience would comment...






Sorry I'm not more help


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

I have also been thinking about relationship counseling, I haven't brought it up with my husband yet. I really don't know if he would agree to it, we've never talked it. I would be open to it.

Like I said, my mom has tried to stay out of the picture, but things have been said and done in the past, that my husband just can't get over and he constantly reminds me of those.


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## xoxmonicaxox (Sep 16, 2008)

Aaaah you poor thing !



I can defenitly relate and on how its killing you inside. My manof 4 and a half years ( we have 2 children aswell ect) does not like my mom at all either. It has gotten so bad as my mom and my man freaking and saying THE WORST things to eachother.And picking sides is not fun.. I dont show my vulnerability..I say if you want to act like that towards her infront of me and cannot stand it, there's the door..hahaha. but I think our situations are different from every relationship stuff. Id give times in between to let him cool down, and if you can make silly jokes or explain how your, or more like your dad ect..good luck my dear!!


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## Ricci (Sep 16, 2008)

9 years seems to be a long phase

Im so sorry for you I hope it works out


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif 9 years seems to be a long phaseIm so sorry for you I hope it works out

We've been married for 9 years and he has not liked my mom for most of those 9 years, it took me a long time, but I have now accepted this fact. It's never going to change; he is not going to wake up one day and say, "Ok, I like your mom now".
When I was talking about "this phase" I meant him bringing my mom into everything and us getting into arguments over small matters.

I have been thinking that maybe I react too much when he says something about my mom. That ticks him off ever more. I will next time, try to igone what he says, or play if off with a joke or something. I know this will be hard for me.


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## Adrienne (Sep 16, 2008)

I think you have every right to get mad, especially with the whole bringing your mom into the argument when it has nothing to do with her. I would suggest that you ask him if he would like it if you threw his mom into the whole mix and acted the he does towards his mom as well.


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think you have every right to get mad, especially with the whole bringing your mom into the argument when it has nothing to do with her. I would suggest that you ask him if he would like it if you threw his mom into the whole mix and acted the he does towards his mom as well. His parents live with us. The reason they started living with us was to help us out with our children (babysit, pick them up/drop them off to school) since me and my hubby both work and my in-laws are retired. And I have to admit, its a great benefit for me, plus my mother-in-law cooks dinner most of the time. I can't say I get along well with her - but I can tolerate her. I know she doesn't care too much about me either. But even then, I don't go brining his family into every fight we have.


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## Adrienne (Sep 16, 2008)

You should point that out to him. I live with my in laws as well I can honestly say that half the time i want to rip my hair out but I deal with it for financial reasons. You mention that they do help with the children which is good. He needs to realize that while you and your mother in law are not buddy buddy you still tolerate each other as so should he with you mom who doesn't even live there. I believe your mom has done what she can to avoid problems by trying to back off and your husband should do the same as well. He needs to realize that all he is doing is putting you in the middle of all this which isn't right just she's your mother. I want to sugggest for you three to have a talk together but it seems that you husband would not be so willing.


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

Thanks, Adrienne, I really appreicate your replies and it seems you can somewhat relate to my issue.

Your absolutely right, he does put me in the middle of it. I love both of them dearly, and my worst nightmare of all times would be to have to choose between my husband and my mom, which really isn't fair to have to choose. When me and my husband agrue and I take my mom's side, my husband will say, if you love her so much, why don't you go and live with her. Which really hurts me.

The real problem between the two of them was from things that were done and said in the past, along the lines of when we first got married and my husband has had resentment/bitterness since then. He is not willing to forgive and forget. I know my mom has learned from her mistakes and has even changed since then, but my husband doesn't believe she has.


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## Ricci (Sep 16, 2008)

Is it ok to ask why he hates her so much?

what happened 9 yrs ago that sent him on such a long hatred??


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## Dragonfly (Sep 16, 2008)

I have a few ideas that might help the situation:

I believe that once one marries, their loyalty is now with their spouse.

You won't be caught in the middle if you take a side.

You need to try to solve this problem with your mom.

It would be no different if you were fighting with his mom - he would need to step up and resolve things with his mom.

Good fences make great neighbours. Put some boundaries in place so that your mom and husband have little to do with each other. But that doesn't mean you can't do activities with your mom.

Hope I have helped


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Is it ok to ask why he hates her so much?what happened 9 yrs ago that sent him on such a long hatred??

My mom is very outspoken and speaks her mind, even if it might be hurting the other person. She has said things like, my husband wasn't good enough for me. She has told others (in the past, not now) that she regretted that I ever married my husband, and my husband found out about what was said about him. She likes to give advice to everybody, even when not asked for her advice. She tries to tell people how to do things. I of course, don't mind her giving me unwanted advice, thats what mothers do and I grew up with it, but my husband thinks she has no right giving anybody unwanted advice, especially him.

I do want to add, that I really think my mom is making an effort to change, but unfortunatley, I'm the only one that feels this way.

She loves spending time with our kids and my husband also doesn't want to send the kids with her.

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I have a few ideas that might help the situation:
I believe that once one marries, their loyalty is now with their spouse.

You won't be caught in the middle if you take a side.

You need to try to solve this problem with your mom.

It would be no different if you were fighting with his mom - he would need to step up and resolve things with his mom.

Good fences make great neighbours. Put some boundaries in place so that your mom and husband have little to do with each other. But that doesn't mean you can't do activities with your mom.

Hope I have helped

I would say my loyalty is with my husband, because I do love him very much and care about what he thinks and feels, but at the same time, I can't listen to him talking bad about my mom in front of me. I think no daughter could (considering I have a good relationship with her myself)

My mom and husband don't cross paths as much as they used to. But that doesn't stop my husband from finding something bad to say about her or even bring up stuff that happend in the past that he has never gotten over.


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## Jessica (Sep 16, 2008)

I kind of know what you're going through. The problem is the opposit for my husband and I. I cannot stand my father in-law. Although it has not affected our marriage, I don't ever want it to. Just do what he tells me.... He is not his father (he does act like him thought) and please do not compare him to him. He also asks me to not say anything about him unless it's really justified. So I really try not to say anything negative about him unless it"s warranted.

My FIL is a really hard person to get along with (and its not just me) and I have had to learn for the sake of my husband and marriage, that it's best to just bite my tounge. Maybe you should have a sit down with him and tell him that NO matter what....she still is and always will be your mother and he needs to respect that.


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## pinksugar (Sep 16, 2008)

I think I would say something to him when you have time to discuss it and you're not already arguing.

Something like, 'you need to stop doing this because you will lose me if you continue to say these things.' It is not acceptable that he is bringing her into arguments, nor is it fair whenever you do something wrong that it makes you 'like her' - if he hates her so much but thinks you're so alike, why did he even marry you? if he loves you (and he obviously does, 9 years is a long time!) then there must be things about her that he can like.

I think he needs to stop being so unreasonable. I would just refuse to get involved, and when she is mentioned, just get up and walk away. I feel so annoyed thinking about it!

He needs to see that he has every right to be bitter about your mum if he wants, but that it's affecting his relationship with you, and his anger might potentially end your relationship.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think counselling could be a good idea and if not then at least a calm conversation about it.

Huggles! keep us updated! I hope it gets better!


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## Sonia_K (Sep 16, 2008)

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think he needs to stop being so unreasonable. I would just refuse to get involved, and when she is mentioned, just get up and walk away. I feel so annoyed thinking about it!

He needs to see that he has every right to be bitter about your mum if he wants, but that it's affecting his relationship with you, and his anger might potentially end your relationship.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think counselling could be a good idea and if not then at least a calm conversation about it.

Huggles! keep us updated! I hope it gets better!

Thanks, Rosie. I'm at work today and have been thinking about this all day. I even closed my door and cried my heart out. I feel better now.
I think I am going to try to ignore anything he has to say about my mom, like you said, just walk out of the room or not react to what he has to say. Hopefully, he will get the the idea. I also will try talking to him once things calm down.


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## janhenderson (Sep 16, 2008)

Well, first I must admit I was in a long term relationship where I could not get along with his mother for the life of me. It was like on Everybody Loves Raymond, but real and worse! I'm not saying your mother is like that, but for your husband, I know it is very frustrating. I will also admit, I used it in arguments as a way to easily get under his skin, which is what he's doing to you. Looking back, I turned it into something I shouldn't have and your husband needs to realize this, or it will go on forever like this.

I have two little angels with my husband, and we have an agreement that family comes before ourselves. If we don't like something, but fighting about it or throwing a fit is not for the good of our family, we write it on a piece of paper and leave it in our underwear drawers. It sounds dumb, but it works! In the beginning of our relationship, we had the same issues. We would fight about the most insignificant things, like ironing clothes, or leaving the closet door open. I think we got to a point where we weren't sure if this is what we wanted...a family, kids, and shared finances. It's scary and feels like a point of no return. We decided to split up for a few months. I found a house sitting job and moved out. I had a few close calls with other men, but never brought myself to cheating on my husband. I don't know if he did, but we both came running back to each other at the same time. We agreed that our friendship was the most important thing, not our stupid little issues. We get upset every once in awhile, usually when I'm on my period




but for the most part, we are really great friends who have two wonderful children together.

I'm sorry if this was not helpful. It didn't exactly focus on your issue but it's about the natural emotions we go through, and if you truly love each other, then you'll realize it's because you are best friends and want the best for one another.


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## Sonia_K (Sep 17, 2008)

Thanks, janhenderson (and welcome to Makeuptalk)

Your post was helpful and thanks for sharing your experience. I agree that family comes first and our kids are a very important part of the equation.


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## Anthea (Sep 17, 2008)

I agree a lot with what has been said above. It sounds similar to my ex marriage when in every unrelated argument my wife would throw how being Transgender is sick/abnormal in my face.

Although your husband may not like your mum and that may never change he must realise that in any argument or discussion over anything, to stay on topic. Its very demoralising to be constantly reminded and belittled about something which you have no control.

You need to have a chat when you are both settled to discuss this. If it continues I feel you need outside help (counselling) as its very demoralising. I know.

Best of luck and hope it works out for you


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## ADSCOSMETICS (Sep 17, 2008)

Some people really don't cherish what they have until it's gone. I'm married, too and when I get mad, I tend to walk out of the house for a breather. My husband will come after me, though because he couldn't stand to be without me. If your husband has disliked your mother all this time, he must have forgotten that when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. He needs to get himself in check and realize that the day he gets you to your boiling point may be the last day he sees you and he will regret it. Believe that.


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## Dragonfly (Sep 17, 2008)

Sonia, what is it that your husband wants, when he starts to attack your mom?

Is he looking for an apology, is he just venting, does he want you to turn your back on her?

I wonder if he keeps on complaining about her because he doesn't feel like he is being heard.

Or is he passive aggressive - complaining to anyone but the one that upsets him.

Just like naggers are unable to ask for something directly, he may be behaving the same way.

For me, if I understand someone's behaviour then that is halfway to solving the problem.


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## Sonia_K (Sep 17, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Sonia, what is it that your husband wants, when he starts to attack your mom?Is he looking for an apology, is he just venting, does he want you to turn your back on her?

I wonder if he keeps on complaining about her because he doesn't feel like he is being heard.

Or is he passive aggressive - complaining to anyone but the one that upsets him.

Just like naggers are unable to ask for something directly, he may be behaving the same way.

For me, if I understand someone's behaviour then that is halfway to solving the problem.

One reason he always brings my mom up during our arguments is because he knows how much it irrriates me, like somebody else said, to get under my skin. He knows he will get a reaction out of me and not a pretty one at that.
Also, he wants me to take his side and agree with him that my mom is a horrible person and he wants us to have her less associated in our lives (mostly mine).

Yet, he is okay with my dad who is the complete opposite of my mom.


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## Jinx (Sep 17, 2008)

Okay- don't get mad at what I'm about to say;

It sounds like he doesn't know how to argue constructively- that he attacks rather than discusses the actual issue.

He found a weak point and just lays in rather than stick to what the subject of the argument is.

ANNND, I tend to think that with his parents there he is a child, not an adult or the man of the house.

His mother takes care of him and he is showing childish behavior.

I have no doubt that his family is feeding the "mother" attacks when you are not around to hear it; that they are mentioning your "awful mother" and putting the idea that your kids will be affected negatively by being with your mother, probably because his parents feel the grandkids are THEIRS and not your mother's as well and don't want to share them.

I went through this in the past with my ex-husband's (notice the "ex") family; they didn't like me or my family and would talk smack about us to my ex and he never would defend me because he was a CHILD (although he was 7 years older than me) and believed his mommy.

Even after we lived seperate from his parents, the behavior was set and they continued to interfere and poison the relationship until I told him to hit the road, you put your mother above me, you let her say things about me and never defend me, go back to her and let me get on with my life.





I'm not suggesting to break up, of course, but I think there is a definite them against you situation and unless he puts the brakes on his parents sticking their noses in your relationship and you lay down the law about what is allowed during an argument things are going to get worse and worse and your marriage isn't YOURS, it will be your husband's and his mother's and you will feel like an unwelcome outsider in your own life.


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## Sonia_K (Sep 17, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Jinx* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Okay- don't get mad at what I'm about to say;
Jinx, I'm not upset at what you had to say, thanks for being so honest.

I have no doubt that his family is feeding the "mother" attacks when you are not around to hear it; that they are mentioning your "awful mother" and putting the idea that your kids will be affected negatively by being with your mother, probably because his parents feel the grandkids are THEIRS and not your mother's as well and don't want to share them.

^ I know for sure this is true. His mother has a big influence on him and sometimes I do feel like I'm the outsider in my own house. My husband gets easily brainwashed. They constantly gossip about me &amp; my family when I'm not home.
My husband used to always stand up for me against his parents, they used to complain about me and my husband would support me. But recently, things have changed, he no longer stands up for me. I actually know the reason behind this, it's because I don't respect his parents the way I used to, ever since I found out they were saying stuff behind my back. I don't argue with them or even disrespect them, I just don't care about them and pretty much ignore them (especially his mom).


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## Ricci (Sep 17, 2008)

Probably the best suggestion I can think of is You and him move far away and start a new life Minus the parents

edit are u able to just up and move?


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## Sonia_K (Sep 17, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Probably the best suggestion I can think of is You and him move far away and start a new life Minus the parents

edit are u able to just up and move?

Umm..lets see, I probably would consider that as a last resort. I like having my parents live close by, that way they can be a part of my kids lives and my husband wants the same for his parents. Family is important to both of us. For me, it's not only my parents but also many Aunts, Uncles and Cousins living in the same city that I live in...it's one big happy family most of the time.
My husband has talked about moving far away from my parents before, but I have always turned town the offer. And his parents live with us, mostly to help us out with the kids, their retired and don't have any income.


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## Ricci (Sep 17, 2008)

Ok just thought Id mention it

Originally Posted by *Sonia_K* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Umm..lets see, I probably would consider that as a last resort. I like having my parents live close by, that way they can be a part of my kids lives and my husband wants the same for his parents. Family is important to both of us. For me, it's not only my parents but also many Aunts, Uncles and Cousins living in the same city that I live in...it's one big happy family most of the time.
My husband has talked about moving far away from my parents before, but I have always turned town the offer. And his parents live with us, mostly to help us out with the kids, their retired and don't have any income.


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## pinksugar (Sep 18, 2008)

so wait... they're in no way supporting you?!

Then I'd tell them to learn to live by your rules or get out! how dare they talk about you in YOUR house. I mean fair enough if it's THEIR house (although still rude) but if you're supporting them then they should shut their mouths and keep out of your marriage! (which is what they should be doing anyway!)

Grumble!


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