# Maybe... Maybe I'm just too picky?



## pinksugar (Jul 25, 2010)

Le Sigh. Ramble warning ahead.

I have a bit of a situation, and I'm not sure what I think any more, so I want to hear what you guys reckon.

A few months ago, a guy I know/knew when I was in first year uni contacted me on facebook. It was just an add, I said hi, that was it. Then a few weeks ago, he chatted a little, said he'd love to catch up.

I always really liked him, thought he was funny and attractive, but nothing ever came of it. There are a couple of little things that he has said that really turned me off somewhat, things I won't disclose here, that raised some minor red flags for me, but I agreed to meet up for coffee in a few weeks (we haven't been yet)

Since then, he has texted me once every few days.

Here's where my problem comes in.

I've been single for a year, and I haven't had that 'comfortable' stage where you can text your boyfriend whenever you want for years. Probably about 3 years ago, since I was in a long term relationship, then single for one year, and then a short term boyfriend.

I'm not used to this kind of texting, and frankly, I'm not enjoying it. I'll be at dinner with friends, in a movie, and I'll have a text asking, "guess where I am?" I actually looked around and though jesus, is he in the same restaurant?!

I'm talking silly, flirty texts that you're supposed to come up with some witty response to. I feel... harrassed. I'm tired, I'm busy, or I'm just plain not in the mood to stroke some guy's ego, or play flirty or think of some funny response.

I also feel this is inappropriate since - guess what?! we haven't seen each other in person in over seven years. I think it's weird, and it's a massive turn off, so I stopped responding.

So last night, after about 4 texts that I didn't respond to over the weekend, he sent a text to say, "sorry I text you random stuff all the time, I just really like you, and I some people in my life are really annoying me at the moment, I'd love to actually have decent company."

Now, that to me says 2 things:

- he's trying to guilt me into responding

- he also realises I'm backing away.

I don't like being emotionally manipulated, and if I have to tell him to stop texting me all the time, it's too late, I've already lost interest.

So I text back to say that I'm very flattered, and I'd still like to go for coffee, but I've just come out of a bad relationship, I'm not ready to get into another.

Instead of backing off, he sent another text, saying that he understood and could he call me tomorrow? (that's today). I didn't respond.

When I told my friends, they said, my god, the guy is way too over the top, what's with all the texting.

But when I told my parents, they said I'm way too picky, that the guy just likes me, and no wonder my sister and I are single, since we have crazy expectations about men.

I don't think I do. I was expecting a business like text to say, let's catch up, then maybe one or two texts until that date, to confirm time or date. Instead I'm getting a barrage of texts, sometimes several a day, with inane chatter - to me, that's something you do when you're an item, not when you haven't even met!

Okay, I'm winding up now, but here's the thing. I've heard that you get sent a life lesson over and over, until you learn it.

I feel like I'm dealing with this badly, and I feel like I always deal with this badly. I'm getting a bit of a red flag off this guy, but I've agreed to meet for coffee, and so now I feel obligated to follow through.

I don't really know what to do, and I don't know if:


I'm reacting to the SITUATION not the person - I feel like I should blow him off because it's the opposite of what i've done in the past
I really am being picky and over the top about a few texts like my parents seem to think
I'm justified and this guy is acting really weird
I was prepared to like him, and to enjoy going for coffee, but to be honest, I feel like I'm being forced to decide about him before I'm ready, and I'm angry that I've been pushed into feeling like I wont enjoy seeing him now, because he's been acting like such a ****.
What do you guys think? and thanks so much if you actually read this far, eyeroll!


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## Minka (Jul 25, 2010)

Can I ask how old the guy is?

He sounds a little immature.


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## pinksugar (Jul 25, 2010)

That's the thing! 25! Not 15! I thought so too!


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## Ingrid (Jul 26, 2010)

umm not immature, I find it kinda creepy. I guess go out with him for a coffee and then see wut happens. But I wouldn't be surprised that after you grab a coffee with him, he will text/call you 5 times a day. He sounds very desperate, he must be very lonely.


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## Minka (Jul 26, 2010)

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* So last night, after about 4 texts that I didn't respond to over the weekend, he sent a text to say, "sorry I text you random stuff all the time, I just really like you, and I some people in my life are really annoying me at the moment, I'd love to actually have decent company."
Now, that to me says 2 things:

- he's trying to guilt me into responding

- he also realises I'm backing away.

You're dead right ^. The scary part is, that now he realizes that he's scaring you away, he's become so determined to get your attention, he's now decided that he'd like to call you despite you very obviously hinting that you weren't interested.
You're not being overly-picky at all. You're listening to the instincts that we all have for a good reason.

Quote:
"*sorry I text you random stuff all the time, I just really like you...*" This to me speaks the loudest. He's basically saying, (WITHOUT you EVER having to hint)... that he already knows he was being odd over text and for reasons undisclosed he STILL continued to act this way. This tells me that:
A). *He's had this problem with other women who have made it known to him that he's being a creep and he figured that your lack of texting was the same response. he'd received from other women.* He;s also refused to learn the first time (very immature know-it-all sort of thinking and action on his part). A very thick-skulled guy.

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* *"I just really like you..."* This is just all around creepy. Why would someone you have hardly made conversation with in 7 years suddenly really like you? This says a few things to me also:
A). The guy is hurting from a recent relationship and is trying to run over his past feelings with a new relationship asap (ever heard the quote, "To get over someone, get under someone else"?).

B) . The guy is ridiculously over-the-top desperate. Most likely because he's too clingy and thick-skulled and has run women off for a long time (due to his own actions).

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* "*...some people in my life are really annoying me at the moment, I'd love to actually have decent company*" This whole sentence says, _"I know I act weird but it's everyone else's fault around me because I don't have anyone decent in my life :'("_
This is absolutely ridiculous. There's nothing more self-destructive, emotionally corrupt and immature than playing the blame-game. The "un-decent" people in his life have nothing to do with his texting. I'm sure that no-one grabbed his cell, tied his arm around his back and made him text you ridiculous 5th grade level texts.

He's just another typical "victim of the blame-game ;'(".

_Avoid, avoid, avoid._

I disagree with your parents. You should never rush dating, otherwise you might actually end up dating creeps like this.

You're justified. Tell him you realized you had plans if you made a date or if he wants a date, give him a date, then tell him something came up and never text him again. Eventually, he'll get the memo.


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Jul 26, 2010)

I can totaly see where both of you are comming from. Cause i tend to do what he does (it is not that i am desperate but if i like you it means i like talking to you, i am also bad at taking hints)

I also can understand your point of view. I do not think you are being picky at all. As you said you were put off by some of the things that this guy said, which means you were already losing interest in him (not to mention your recent attraction to him may of been just a residual memory of the crush you used to have). I am assuming after that you started giving hints that you were really not that interested, and if that is the case it is understandable to be a little put off by the fact that he is so gung-hoe.

Clearly he has not been getting your hints that you are feeling a bit put off by his over eagerness, and you may want to tell him that you feel he is moving things much more quickly than you are comfortable with.

Also, i would blow him off. A lot of what he is saying to me seems like things i say when i am depressed. as in how his friends are annoying aka. his friends wont hang out with him cause he is not acting like him self. or "i just really like you" which is pretty much i just really want someone to like me.

If you are getting any odd vibes from him now i would just cancel the date. Odds are that even if you are only a little peterbed now, seeing him in person will magnify those feelings and you will be almost disgusted with having to see him in person.


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## divadoll (Jul 26, 2010)

I think he is hard for the chase and you are just not that into him or his chase. If you were into him, that pursuit will be welcomed and you'd be flattered instead of bothered and annoyed. Time to have a heart to heart and say you wanna take it slow or its a No Go.

Being Picky is a good thing. It means you have choices! Not being picky is BAD, it means you are desparate!


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## Lucy (Jul 26, 2010)

it sounds to me like you already don't like him- whats the point in meeting for coffee? i have zero respect for men who "like" me before they even know me properly, because 90% of the time they are just basing that on your looks. by "liking" you, he simply finds you attractive- he doesn't KNOW you. this guy hasn't seen you since uni- you've probably changed since then.

there is no shame in being picky. you should always want the best for yourself.


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## pinksugar (Jul 26, 2010)

thanks ladies... I guess I just got to that point where I couldn't see if I was being sensible, or if I was being stupid, lol!

I want to trust my gut on this one. He didn't call, so hopefully he won't ask to meet up for coffee either.


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## lydia.wagner (Jul 26, 2010)

I would invent an excuse to NOT go for coffee with him. Trust your instinct; this guy has emotional problems, and trust me, you donâ€™t want to get caught up in them.


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## Karren (Jul 26, 2010)

I think immature and creepy both apply. I don't think your being picky, Rosie.. I'd feel the same way.. Being hounded is not appropriate... Like being digitally staked!!


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## emily_3383 (Jul 26, 2010)

I think trying to figure out what his texts mean are kind of pointless but like someone already wrote it seems you arent interested so its time to move on!


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Jul 27, 2010)

Quote:
If you are getting any odd vibes from him now i would just cancel the date. Odds are that even if you are only a little peterbed now, seeing him in person will magnify those feelings and you will be almost disgusted with having to see him in person. Just wanted to reiterate that point.
Based on what you said, i get the feeling your instincts are right on with this one, and you should totaly trust them


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## Rotting Beauty (Aug 25, 2010)

Minka said exactly what I was thinking only soooo much better.

This isn't even being picky, just picking out those who play games.


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## Johnnie (Aug 26, 2010)

Originally Posted by *emily_3383* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think trying to figure out what his texts mean are kind of pointless but like someone already wrote it seems you arent interested so its time to move on! My thoughts exactly!


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## Chicken351 (Aug 26, 2010)

I agree with what everyone has said. From what I've seen of you on MUT you appear to be an intelligent girl with her head screwed on pretty straight. I think you should definitely trust your gut. :]


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