# Why women stay in abusive relationships



## Shelley (Mar 7, 2008)

Source: Yahoo

Why Women Stay

The Barriers to Leaving

One of the most frustrating things for people outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn't just leave. A letter to Dear Abby on the subject was signed "Tired of Voluntary Victims."

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from case to case. Some of these include:

Situational Factors

Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children?

Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.

Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.

Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.

Fear of emotional damage to the children.

Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.

Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.

Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.

Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.

Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.

Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.

Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.

Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.

Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.

"Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.

Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.

Ties to her home and belongings.

Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."

Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)

Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)

Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

Emotional Factors

Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.

Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."

Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.

Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."

Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).

Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."

Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.

Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.

Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.

Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."

Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.

Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.

False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)

Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.

Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.

Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.

Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.

Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."

Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.

Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Personal Beliefs

Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all."

Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.

Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."

Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.

Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.

Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.

Belief that marriage is forever.

Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).

Religious and cultural beliefs.


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## Dragonfly (Mar 8, 2008)

Thanks for posting this Shelley.

I want to add a few things.

Some women are in an abusive relationship and also have a pet. They are terrified something will happen to their pet if they leave so they stay.

In my community, the Humane Society will now hold onto the pet while the woman is in a shelter, and secures a safe home.

We need to be sensitive to women that are new to our countries. As an example, there are 100s of Columbian women in South western Ontario. Many can't speak more than a few words of English. It would be quite difficult for them to receive help if they were in an abusive relationship.

And I know of one story of a man controlling a woman's medication. He also threatens to throw it away if he thinks she is leaving.


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## Beyonce Welch (Mar 8, 2008)

*Thank You Shelley for posting that most informative article.*


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## jdepp_84 (Mar 8, 2008)

Thanks for posting




I am so glad stuff like this is getting around and people are getting more and more educated about the real reason. I get so mad when I hear stuff like "Well why does she stay, she's stupid" blah blah blah.


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## ColdDayInHell (Mar 8, 2008)

Thank you for bringing this up and creating more awareness about it, Shelley!


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## Shelley (Mar 12, 2008)

Your welcome everyone! I know this is article is geared to women but abuse also occurs in same sex relationships and women abusing men.

jdepp, I've had people say to me while I was abused why does she stay, she must be stupid. It does make me angry when people make comments like that. I realize not everyone understands but agree there has to me more education and public awareness about abuse.


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## laurreenn (Mar 12, 2008)

thanks for posting.


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## Adrienne (Mar 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *PrettyFlowers* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm afraid to admit it but I'd say for me it would be finances and the loyalty that could trap me.
It always comes back to $!

I think the court processes and a lot of ignorant social workers would stop women from not leaving also.

I completely agree about the finance things. Thanks for posting. I can't stand it when ppl blame the woman and say how stupid can she be. There is always so much more to being Miss Independent when you're in an abusive relationship. Thanks for posting this.


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## MamaRocks (Mar 18, 2008)

Thank you for posting. It is very easy to judge when you are on the outside looking in. There are many factors and with every passing day, it gets harder to get up and go.

There are many transition houses out there. I know from expirience, they are a wonderful source of support and give you the tools you need to make a new start.

Lots of love to anyone who may be in a situation like this ..


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