# What Never to Say During an Argument



## Adrienne (May 8, 2009)

When you're in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, it's possible that one of you will blurt out something you will regret later. But there are some things that can be too damaging to the relationship and should never be said. AOL Health spoke to sex and relationship expert, Elina Furman, to find out what you should never say.

*"I give up."*

Intense arguments with your partner may make you want to throw up your hands in defeat, but storming off doesn't help the issue get resolved. Even worse, it can be detrimental to the relationship. "By avoiding [the conversation], you're saying their feelings don't matter," says Furman. "That can be very hurtful."

*"I want out of this relationship â€¦"*

"People say this because they want their partner to understand the enormity of the issue," says Furman. "But in the end, it backfires. Your partner is going to feel like you're very flippant and casual about the relationship." Empty threats like these say that you're not really committed and aren't willing to work out your issues to remain together.

*"I hate your â€¦"*

Invoking this caustic remark during an argument can only make matters worse, especially when it's followed by "father" or "mother." "That puts your partner into a very difficult situation," says Furman. "Even if you dislike [his or her family], there are more constructive ways of getting your point across and ways you can work together and rectify problems." After all, family is around forever, so if you create a divisive situation, be prepared for it to follow you around for the long haul.

*"You're such a â€¦"*

Calling your significant other a derogatory term in the heat of an argument isn't okay, no matter what it is. "Everyone's been there," says Furman. "But you should never call each other names. It puts the relationship at a very hostile level." Even if you've grown up using insulting remarks during fights with siblings or friends, or overheard your parents doing the same, doesn't mean it's okay to unleash them on your significant other, no matter how harmless you may think they are. "When you're calling people names, you never know when you'll hit upon a raw nerve," says Furman. When you call someone stupid or dumb, it may seem innocuous to you, but it might make them think that they're not bright or intelligent enough for you, says Furman.

*"It's just like the time you â€¦"*

"We all have information about each other that we can use whenever we want," says Furman. "It's all about pushing each other's buttons." When you constantly bring up past transgressions, you're telling your partner that you're not ready to move on. "Your partner doesn't want to relive the same fight for the next 50 years," says Furman. The result? You may end up pushing them away for good.

*"If you were a better parent ..."*

Attacking your partner's parenting skills shows that you don't trust him or her to parent, says Furman. "Saying you're a bad mom or a bad dad is almost taboo," she says. "People do it because they're frustrated, but it's important not to bring their skills as a parent into question unless you feel they're endangering your child."

*"Maybe if you were more successful â€¦"*

Cutting someone down about their career in the midst of an argument can make an already stressful situation even worse, especially in this economic climate. If you make your partner feel like they're not successful enough, you're implying that you have no faith in them as a provider, says Furman. Constantly questioning your significant other's abilities instead of giving support will eventually make them doubt whether you're a good partner and question if they should continue with the relationship, she adds.

*"Maybe if you resembled the person I married â€¦"*

Insulting each other's appearances is a definite no-no. If you make negative comments about your partner's looks or weight, you're planting the impression that you find them unattractive, and that's hard to get over. Not only can it really play havoc with their self-esteem, but it can affect your sex life. "It's important for your partner to feel desirable," says Furman . And deriding them about their appearance is going to create an intense insecurity that won't make them want to jump in the sack with you.

*"You never â€¦"*

You never help me clean up, or you never let me go out with my friends. Whatever the case may be, constantly harping on something your significant other "never" does isn't going to solve any problems. "Never is a very bad word," says Furman. "It just makes people think, 'Well, if I never do it, why should I ever start?'" Instead of slinging the phrase "you never â€¦ " at your partner, which Furman says can sound "whiny," try saying, "I would like it if you could do more of this," she suggests.

*"You don't love me."*

By telling your partner that they don't love or care about you, you're forcing them to play to your own insecurities. "It comes off as needy and demanding," says Furman. It's an attention-getter and can be a turnoff, she adds. "But if you do have doubts about how they feel, it's important to talk about that in a non-combative environment so you can get to the bottom of your issues."

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## Ozee (May 8, 2009)

golly apart from the 'maybe if you were more successful' one i think my husband and i have said them all lol


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## pinksugar (May 8, 2009)

LOL Oz!

I know you're supposed to use positives rather than negatives, but basically, the thing about a partner (I hope anyway) is that you can tell them pretty much anything. I think the ones that would hurt me would be personal comments - stuff like 'i hate it when you' are not too bad, you'd know that they were just angry.

And anyway, sometimes its things said when you ARENT having an argument that are the most hurtful - I remember an ex of mine once told me that the styles of top I liked to wear best, and that made me feel really good about myself, actually made me look pregnant. I was so upset and angry, especially because I could see what he meant. Regardless, it was an insensitive, jerkfaced thing to say, and whenever I wear those tops even now I still feel angry - even if it IS true, someone who truly cared wouldnt have said anything!

so, yes, I guess basically, never underestimate the power your words can have on someone, and IMO, I think that things said in the heat of an argument are more forgivable than things said when you are having just a regular conversation!


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## Darla (May 8, 2009)

i think i am like most guys.. sometimes in an argument i will not engage, not that i don't want the fight to end but its just too much energy to endure a protracted argument


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## ox0xbarbiex0xo (May 8, 2009)

Yeah, me and my SO have problems with a couple of those too... lol

Ahhh, we're getting better.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## McRubel (May 8, 2009)

I had an ex that would say the meanest things. After the argument was over, I would be left thinking "did you really mean that or were you just trying to be hurtful while we argued?" Plus, it wasn't helping to resolve anything.


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## reesesilverstar (May 8, 2009)

I've only used one of those. The "I give up" and OMG that really had him going... I don't think he was mad before I said it, he was really pissed after. Must have been THE stormiest, longest argument ever!

Good thing we don't do that anymore...


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## Lucy (May 8, 2009)

rosie that's so mean!!!

i don't think i've ever said any of those.. me and my bf don't really fight that much, we just sort of squabble over meaningless crap every now and then.


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## Adrienne (May 8, 2009)

Me and my husband have a used a couple of these but only when we were younger and before we had our son. We were only immature teenagers at the time so alot of it was said under anger. Now, any of these things are taken very seriously between us both.


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## blueangel1023 (May 8, 2009)

I must've said 1/2 of those things to my ex...lol, but usually it's inevitable. I'm not much of an arguer, but he's the type of person that instigates and provoke me to talk back, since he doesn't like it when I give him the 'silent treatment' One time I literally locked myself in the room for 3 hrs stewing until he finally apologized.

I agree with Rosie that in a heat of an arguement saying BAD things to each isn't as bad as saying it in a normal convo. One time I was getting ready to go out with friends, but he didn't like the ppl I hung out with...so he commented on how my friends are 'losers' and what I was wearing to the party looked whorish. 1st off, you never met my friends so who are you to judge them? and secondly, I don't see how wearing a skirt that showed my legs would qualify as being slutty. Anyway, we had our issues...it's over and done with now. lol


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