# Childless and happy? Is it possible???



## jaybe (Aug 29, 2006)

After three and a half years of failing to get pregnant I decided I'd had enough of crying and being miserable and ill. I told my consultant I wanted to stop the fertility treatment. A year on I'm still not pregnant. I'm starting to consider the fact that I may never be a mother and I'm focusing on creating a career that will bring me happiness and fulfillment.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who has made the choice not to have children and their reasons why. I'd like some positive inspiration please.

I haven't given up altogether. There's no physical reason I can't get pregnant but I've never even had a late period!! I may think about adoption in the future but certainly not yet.


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## Princess6828 (Aug 29, 2006)

Well, I myself was adopted and I think it's a great thing. My parents couldn't have children of their own, so they got me. Personally, I don't think that I want any children. It's not that I don't like kids, but I don't think they're for me. My cousin and her husband chose not to have kids. They both have very busy high-power careers as well as two dogs. They're always traveling - both for work and for pleasure - and they're very very happy. If you really really want kids, but can't have your own for whatever reason then think of how many babies there are out there that need a good home. Good luck whatever you decide to do.


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## janetsbreeze (Aug 29, 2006)

i don't have children by choice. i knew very young that being a mother was not something that would be right for me. please don't take this to say that i don't like children - i adore children and have quite a few in my life through friends and my SO's neices and nephews.

for me, being childless was never a choice. it is something i am, who i am. i don't have a high powered career, i don't party all the time. i'm just not cut out for it.

but honestly it sounds like you are still wanting to be a mother and to have that sort of family. families come in all shapes and sizes and children that are *yours* don't have to grow in you to grow in your heart.


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## angel_eyes4evah (Aug 29, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Princess6828* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Well, I myself was adopted and I think it's a great thing. My parents couldn't have children of their own, so they got me. Personally, I don't think that I want any children. It's not that I don't like kids, but I don't think they're for me. My cousin and her husband chose not to have kids. They both have very busy high-power careers as well as two dogs. They're always traveling - both for work and for pleasure - and they're very very happy. If you really really want kids, but can't have your own for whatever reason then think of how many babies there are out there that need a good home. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Yep, Yep, My parents couldnt have children either so they adoped me. ADOPTION is ther GREATEST thing you can do for a child. I have some older friends who dont have kids, it seem they wanted to but couldnt and they're perfectly happy....LOl like 'above' they have great careers and two dogs and they're very happy! But seriously, think about adopting a child its the greatest gift you can give, especally since many of the children are born to dumb teenagers of familys that can aford to take care of them, and those kids deserve way better than that!


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## bad cat (Aug 29, 2006)

I think that if you want a family that bad then you need to just relax and try to be stress free about it. You never know it just might happen when you least expect it. I have 2 boys of my own and I can't imagine life w/out them. I have a cousin who's 33 no kids and no commitment and she says she can't be happier. I think it's a personal choice and if going out and living life w/ no commitments or responsibilities is important then kids don't fit in, but if that's not the case then maybe you should consider adoption or even becoming a foster parent. Good luck.


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## Heather12801 (Aug 29, 2006)

I am in the exact same situation you are in. After all the failed infertilty treatments and miscarriages, I am just about done. I don't feel like I'll ever be a mom, and it breaks my heart. I have often wondered about a life without children, but I know for me, it's not a life I would be happy with. I will move on to adoption if things continue to go the way they have in the past. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Just know that you're not alone, and I know exactly how you feel. Maybe try taking a couple months off and see how you feel then. Maybe you will feel like moving on to something like adoption, or maybe you will be refreshed enough to give it another try. Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of luck and will keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk or anything, I would be more than happy to listen. You can PM me anytime!


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## Angl Baby (Aug 29, 2006)

Jaybe, when I found out that I couldn't have kids I was hurt for a long time. Please know that just because you can't, doesn't mean that you're not meant to be a mother. There are so many babies and older children in need of good parents, if adoption is not your choice please look into foster parenting. There are so many children who are in need of someone to love them. I send a BIG HUG to you.


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## girl_geek (Aug 30, 2006)

Well, I don't have any advice for you, but I was just reading an article online today about how a lot more women are choosing to remain childless now, so if you never have kids at least you won't be alone!

Also, are you in a relationship or are you trying to get pregnant by sperm donation? (I noticed you always said "I" and not "we.") If you are in a relationship, what does your SO think about it all?

Now even though I've been married for 2 years, I still have no desire to have kids yet, though we are planning on having kids in another few years. I just finished grad school in December so we want a few years to focus on our marriage and careers without being in school or having kids running around



I'm assuming the "baby fever" will hit me in a few years and I'll want kids, we will see... But I personally have always told myself that if we can't get pregnant on our own, that we would adopt -- there are so many children in this world that do need a home, it just seems like the right thing for us to do. However, I also realize that once you reach that point where you really want kids, most women have a strong desire to get pregnant and have their own baby rather than adopt... so yeah, once again, we'll just see what happens, I guess! (Hubby told me the other day that he has a "feeling" that he's very fertile even though he's never had a sperm count or anything like that done... yeah whatever, what guy wants to think that they're infertile? lol)

Whatever you choose -- good luck!


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## Jessica81 (Aug 30, 2006)

I've chosen not to have kids, but I'm only 25 so things could change. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we talked about kids when we first started dating. At that time we thought we would have kids, we also thought we would have corporate careers and a huge house. Well, things changed. I hate my job, he started working online and now we want to work on the internet and travel.

Very slowly we have come to the conclusion that we don't want kids. We want to travel! We want to build websites and write about the places we visit! Our first adventure starts December 27th. We are going to Buenos Aires! I am selling my car, trimming down my closet and preparing to be nomadic. After Argentina we want to go to Costa Rica, then Margarita Island. . .

Kids just don't fit into our lifestyle. We both love kids, thankfully my brother already has one, and his wife wants more.


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## Aquilah (Aug 30, 2006)

There was a time in my life I was told I wouldn't have children, and I have two gorgeous little girls. I personally find it very possible to be extremely happy and be childless. There's TONS of people in this world who are childless and happy, be it by choice or not. I believe God has a plan for all of us, and whatever his plan may be, it's what he truly believes is best for us. I wouldn't give up hope that you'll ever have children. As you mentioned, there is always adoption, which is wonderful as well! I wish you the vesy best, as well as everyone else in the same situation. Don't give up!


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## marshall1704 (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:
There was a time in my life I was told I wouldn't have children, and I have two gorgeous little girls. I personally find it very possible to be extremely happy and be childless. There's TONS of people in this world who are childless and happy, be it by choice or not. I believe God has a plan for all of us, and whatever his plan may be, it's what he truly believes is best for us. I wouldn't give up hope that you'll ever have children. As you mentioned, there is always adoption, which is wonderful as well! I wish you the vesy best, as well as everyone else in the same situation. Don't give up! I agree!! I was told I would never be able to have kids. I went through a lot to have my son. He is my miracle baby. God has a will for everyone. Just pray about it!! I wish you the very best!!


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## jaybe (Aug 30, 2006)

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies and kind wishes. Every one of them has given me something to think about.

Heather, I wish I could be as certain as you about what I want but I've never been 100% sure I wanted kids. That's why I found the fertility treatment so difficult.

Quote:
Also, are you in a relationship or are you trying to get pregnant by sperm donation? (I noticed you always said "I" and not "we.") If you are in a relationship, what does your SO think about it all? GirlGeek, my SO has been totally supportive. He would be happy if we had kids but he has no huge desire to be a father so he says ultimately it's my choice. I'm so glad he feels this way. I'd feel terrible if he was desperate for a family and we couldn't have one. He's quite happy to spend his cash on nice cars rather than nappies and baby clothes!! LOL.
Again, thanks for your sincere replies. I appreciate each and every one of them.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Sep 3, 2006)

I am not a mother, but i do want kids. Probably really really in my early thirties or 29's (for an indian thats late lol). I think if you want to have kids, you have to financally and mentally be there. This is a must, spritually, thats more of a conversaaion. Children are very intutvative. They pick up on things easily. You can chose when you want to have kids, but kids cannot decide who there parents are. They cannot chose. I think if you have doubt, even if its little, than no. Don't confuse doubt with fear. When you are ready, you will know. You can give birth or adopt. It is not how you get the child, but how you do as a parent. Get your carrer on action and then decide this is what i think.

Oh i got so into that, it is so me. Not having kids does not make you not normal or unhappy. Its just how you live. Lot of people have kids, and they never show up or take care of there kids. Its nothing to be ashamed about and nobody has the right to shame you or tell you are wrong. Nobody.


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## SewAmazing (Sep 3, 2006)

Never wanted children nor marriage. I "knew" when I was 10yrs. old, that my life would not be conventional that way. Just always felt that I wanted to have choices in my life that my foremothers never had. I love men, just don't want to be a live-in nor a wife. Never believed in having children out of wedlock anyway, and didn't think my purpose was to have children. I come from a very large family and there are plenty of little ones that I love. Just not for me. My life is far from perfect, but it is good!! My choices worked out for who I want to be!


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## jaybe (Sep 3, 2006)

Originally Posted by *CuTeLiCiOuS* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I am not a mother, but i do want kids. Probably really really in my early thirties or 29's (for an indian thats late lol). I think if you want to have kids, you have to financally and mentally be there. This is a must, spritually, thats more of a conversaaion. Children are very intutvative. They pick up on things easily. You can chose when you want to have kids, but kids cannot decide who there parents are. They cannot chose. I think if you have doubt, even if its little, than no. Don't confuse doubt with fear. When you are ready, you will know. You can give birth or adopt. It is not how you get the child, but how you do as a parent. Get your carrer on action and then decide this is what i think.
Oh i got so into that, it is so me. Not having kids does not make you not normal or unhappy. Its just how you live. Lot of people have kids, and they never show up or take care of there kids. Its nothing to be ashamed about and nobody has the right to shame you or tell you are wrong. Nobody.

I'm 37 now so I can't really wait any longer. I was 33 when we first started trying to get pregnant and was sure at the time that it was what we wanted. We've just been through so much with the fertility treatment and the emotional effects of it that I'm not sure I want to continue down this road. We are financially secure and have experience of looking after young children. I helped bring up my much younger brother, who has learning difficulties, so I know what I'm letting myself in for. Now, I just feel like I've wasted so much time trying to make something happen that may never happen. If you know what I mean? It's hard to explain. Maybe I'll just let nature decide. But OMG it drives me crazy waiting for my period each month!!!

Originally Posted by *SewAmazing* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Never wanted children nor marriage. I "knew" when I was 10yrs. old, that my life would not be conventional that way. Just always felt that I wanted to have choices in my life that my foremothers never had. I love men, just don't want to be a live-in nor a wife. Never believed in having children out of wedlock anyway, and didn't think my purpose was to have children. I come from a very large family and there are plenty of little ones that I love. Just not for me. My life is far from perfect, but it is good!! My choices worked out for who I want to be! SewAmazing you are lucky to be so sure about what you want and to have the courage to stand by your convictions. When I was in my twenties I thought I didn't want kids. Then I hit 30 and the biological clock started ticking.........All my friends have kids and I think that's the hardest thing. I feel left out of the "Mummy Club". Maybe I should find myself some new child-free friends!!


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## girl_geek (Sep 3, 2006)

Originally Posted by *jaybe* /img/forum/go_quote.gif SewAmazing you are lucky to be so sure about what you want and to have the courage to stand by your convictions. When I was in my twenties I thought I didn't want kids. Then I hit 30 and the biological clock started ticking.........All my friends have kids and I think that's the hardest thing. I feel left out of the "Mummy Club". Maybe I should find myself some new child-free friends!!



lol, I'm not 30 yet, but I definitely know what you mean about the "Mommy Club"! In our Young Married Sunday School class at church, there are only 2 other childless couples (excluding couples pregnant with their first), and we currently have SIX pregnant women in the class! All anyone ever talks about is babies!



Except that at this point, all the baby talk scares me and makes me _not_ want to have kids -- I just finished school in December and hubby and I want a few years to ourselves, without the stresses of school and kids first! But yes, we've definitely already got the "When are you having kids?" questions.... I also know that hubby really wants kids (though he does agree that he doesn't want them yet). We keep talking about having kids in a few years, but sometimes it's hard for me to figure if I really want kids, or if I just think I do because everyone around me wants or has them and when I was younger I just always assumed I'd have kids! But right now, I am really enjoying my career (even with the long hours), and I'm not so sure how kids will fit into that..... But you never know if I will change my mind in a few years... So yes, there's a lot to think about, deciding on kids can be a very tough decision! That probably doesn't help you, though, unless it just reassures you that there are other women who also aren't sure what they want right now


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## mintesa (Sep 3, 2006)

I love kids, I have been babysitting a lot, and I love my little sister.

But I dont want kids. My hubby doesnt either. They just dont fit into our lives. After work we go home, take a rest, have a snack and then go training (judo, swimming...). We come home around 830pm and cook. So no kid fits in there, I would get crazy being home all day as a mom. I would get crazy being pregnant and not being able to do the things I want, like judo. I just like being free and doing the things I want, when I want.

Logically and mathematically I dont see any reason to have kids either. I mean, why? What for? If I end up in the old peoples home they will never visit me anyway. If they get older, the more annoyed they will get of me. The world is getting overpopulated, so why make more?

Like your husband I would rather spend my cash on cars lol.

But I really wanna adopt kids. I just wish I could adopt all of the kids in the world. I just hate it that there are kids out there with no homes, and with so stupid unresponsible parents! I do consider adopting but I dont know, then I will have to think about the things i wrote above again...

I know I wont regret having no kids. And I know a lot of happy people with no kids. One are our next door neighbors, they are in their 70s already, but still happily married. Its so sweet.

BUT dont give up honey, if you really want kids i would totally go for adoption! Good luck. Ones again, dont give up, coz you do want kids


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## jaybe (Sep 4, 2006)

I just started back at art college today and loving it! I have done so many things like travel and education that weren't even an option for my grandparents. It made me think that we are so lucky to have the choice about whether to have kids or not. My mum and certainly my grandmother had no choice. You got married, quit your job and had kids - end of... I still don't know what I'll do but I'm going to concentrate on my art work and let what happens happen - at least for next couple of months.


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## bluebird26 (Sep 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *mintesa* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I love kids, I have been babysitting a lot, and I love my little sister.
But I dont want kids. My hubby doesnt either. They just dont fit into our lives. After work we go home, take a rest, have a snack and then go training (judo, swimming...). We come home around 830pm and cook. So no kid fits in there, I would get crazy being home all day as a mom. I would get crazy being pregnant and not being able to do the things I want, like judo. I just like being free and doing the things I want, when I want.

Logically and mathematically I dont see any reason to have kids either. I mean, why? What for? If I end up in the old peoples home they will never visit me anyway. If they get older, the more annoyed they will get of me. The world is getting overpopulated, so why make more?

Like your husband I would rather spend my cash on cars lol.

But I really wanna adopt kids. I just wish I could adopt all of the kids in the world. I just hate it that there are kids out there with no homes, and with so stupid unresponsible parents! I do consider adopting but I dont know, then I will have to think about the things i wrote above again...

I know I wont regret having no kids. And I know a lot of happy people with no kids. One are our next door neighbors, they are in their 70s already, but still happily married. Its so sweet.

BUT dont give up honey, if you really want kids i would totally go for adoption! Good luck. Ones again, dont give up, coz you do want kids





We feel the same, sometimes we think it would be nice to have a baby in the house, but may be just a day or two, lol. I think the world is pretty messed up to have children. We are happy and we are already busy with work and things want to do like travelling. Our baby (the cat, lol) is already a little burden when we want to go places


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## Retro-Violet (Sep 4, 2006)

there is a book i acutally bought called "childless and loving it". just proves you dont need kids to be happy, and not to let society make you feel guilty about it.


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## jaybe (Sep 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *bluebird26* /img/forum/go_quote.gif We feel the same, sometimes we think it would be nice to have a baby in the house, but may be just a day or two, lol. I think the world is pretty messed up to have children. We are happy and we are already busy with work and things want to do like travelling. Our baby (the cat, lol) is already a little burden when we want to go places







Aaaw! I love your kitty paws avatar! Maybe I'll get a fluffy baby like you. I love babysitting my nieces but I'm always relieved when they go home. First thing I do is get the vaccuum cleaner out and try and get the house back to normal. Days later I'm still finding bits of food down the back of the couch! I like tidy.

Originally Posted by *Retro-Violet* /img/forum/go_quote.gif there is a book i acutally bought called "childless and loving it". just proves you dont need kids to be happy, and not to let society make you feel guilty about it. I have that book. I think I'll read it again!


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Sep 4, 2006)

Okay, I am in my 30's (shhhh...don't tell anyone), married, and 19 weeks pregnant with my first child. I never thought I would have kids...ever. I have miscarried 3 times and suffered the pain of believing I would never bare children...but lo and behold I am preggers now, all by accident.

I was happy being childless. I accepted my barren fate and tried to puch the "what ifs" into the far corners of my mind. My life was full of gorgeous parties and beautiful clothes and wonderful excesses. However, now my life changed drastically...and all by surprise. Would I be as happy had I not successfully conceived? A resounding yes. I never really knew if I even wanted children and after being unsuccessful for so long, had resigned myself to the fact I would be alone and without an heir. But now, I understand that I was meant to have a child.

Here is the point...even if you or the doctors believe you will never have a child, never discount fate and miracles. I kid you not. Crazier things have happened. The healthiest midset you can have right now is....

"If I cannot have a child of my own, so be it. That is the card fate has dealt me. I can always adopt. There is always hope that when the time is right I will conceive and bare a healthy baby. I will hope for the best but prepare for the worst."

There is no point being miserable about it. If you can't, you can't. It was when I accepted the fact my body could not grow life that I became pregnant. Weird, but that is sometimes how it works.

Heck, I am still hoping and praying everything works out in this pregnancy, but I can't get all freaked out thinking negatively.

Go with the flow, sister. Everything will be fine. Trust me.


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## jaybe (Sep 7, 2006)

Good advice BrazenBrunhilda. I used to be a neurotic planner but in the last year or so I'm finding "Go with the flow" definitely works better. Good Luck with your pregnancy.


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Sep 8, 2006)

Originally Posted by *jaybe* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Good advice BrazenBrunhilda. I used to be a neurotic planner but in the last year or so I'm finding "Go with the flow" definitely works better. Good Luck with your pregnancy. Yeah...you know, I am an organizing freak...and a perfectionist. I have found that by resisting the urge to micromanage and just allow life to happen to me makes me feel liberated. I think women like us are naturally strong...and we want our lives to be patterned out the way we want it. Letting go is just another spiritual hurdle...take it easy, sister and good luck!


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## melpaganlibran (Sep 10, 2006)

i am not sure what to say..I agree that many doctors may tell you "oh, you will never have children" and oops, surprise, you have a child! I knew a woman who has a sister who had her first child at thirty-nine! as you can imagine, our pal told us a few funny stories about the trials late motherhood put her sister through.

I dunno...do not over-romantisize what "being a mother" is like. Babies are adorable but they cry and scream for six hours until they fall asleep sometimes. babies become teenagers...and teenagers, instead of being proud of their parents and what they have...become embarrassed of their parents and act as if what they have is NEVER enough.

I cannot COUNT the number of women who told me in asides with their teenaged or grown children absent..."Being a mother is indeed joyful, rewarding...and totally _not_ worth it. You won't get out of it what you put into it, children are thankless and bratty. Had I the choice to make over again, I would never have had children AT ALL/had less children."

Indeed!

With one final thought, I would like to add that most of the people i knew who had my-childhood-was-hell stories were as children born into a family or children who had some horrid step-parent....and the people I met who had "my childhood wasn't perfect but all in all it was really nice..." were almost ALL people who had been_ adopted by childless couples_, or were raised by a longtime married couple. I do wish more people would consider adoption, as many good little children need a mommy and daddy to raise them up. I am terrified of labor..(you want me to spit a what out of..where? and rip my lower half almost in two?) But I'd love to be a foster momma to a very young child when I am a better position in life.


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