# Smoking Ultimatum! Am I bad?



## ForeverPink (Apr 11, 2008)

Hi

I feel like a real awful person. Am I?

Im with the most wonderful perfect guy. I love him to bits and we are expecting a baby. However, he smokes and this is bothering me. I do have to say that I feel I have slightly brought this problem on by myself because I got with him when he smoked also and because he was so lovely I sorta looked past it!

Well, he's cut down from 20 to 5 a day and says he wants to give up. But at the moment he says he has work stress etc. so is still smoking a small amount. My arguement is that life will bring all kinds of stress and that you cannot make excuses.

I told him last night that , ewwww Im cringing when I say this "that I love him but we can't be together if you carry on smoking". I am thinking of the baby and our future life together. My dad got cancer years ago but fortunately survived. I never want to see another person I love go through this! EVER!

I visited my partner, because he is in another Country, a few months back. He said he was giving up but after 2 hours he'd come back smelling of smoke. This caused me to shout and gave me so much stress.

Im due to take the baby back to see him in September and Ive told him I dont want this atmosphere again, especially in front of the baby.

Was my altimatum bad? I don't feel as though I am over-reacting. The UK has megal education on how bad smoking is, but where is he there is zero.

Should I try to be a little more patient or compasionate? I feel if I do, he will just carry on thinking he can get away with it. He needs a kick up the backside to make him believe what he will lose if he carries on.


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## AngelaGM (Apr 11, 2008)

My mother has oral cancer and it was enough to make my two pack a day habit mother quit cold turkey. I am so proud of her! I think smoking is a disgusting habit and that your partner should quit.


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## ForeverPink (Apr 11, 2008)

Oh believe me, at the end of the day he has no choice because I know 100% that I cannot live with a smoker and a baby for the rest of my life. Its just the way he is going about it that is making me angry. Excuses about work stress, money stress. Ive tried to explain that there will always be different life stress. And what kind of stress will it give him if I just decide we are finished because he isn't giving up! A lot more than he has now for sure.

I have told him this is not a threat but a promise but somehow I still think he thinks I will let him off. I won't. I cannot deal with the smell, the expense, the danger but I should have thought about this when I was bowled over by his charm and good looks hey!!! Damn


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## Geek (Apr 11, 2008)

This is good that you stick to your commitment of not having a baby around that. Smoking and children have no place together at all. I know this since I grew up in a totally smoke filled home. It was disgusting. My brother and I used to chastise our mom and dad bigtime. It's really mind over matter. In fact, smoking is a large contributor to SIDS or crib death. Personally, I have no patience for smokers at all, in fact, I love b!tching at them




It's pretty much a self serving addiction that has no place in the home. I love the new law in California, that if you smoke while driving your car with children under 17, you can be fined. LMAO. There is nothing worse on this planet than smelling a smokers breath right after they are finished sucking one in.


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## ForeverPink (Apr 11, 2008)

Yes I agree, I don't think England will be far behind now with bringing in that law. It is so much better here now everywhere is smoke free. They have even started to ban smoking outside, particularly in places like Hospital car parks etc.

What makes me RAGE and SO angry is when smokers try to lie that they havent had one. Ive not been able to get through to my other half yet that lying about it is fruitless. Im like a bloodhound because I dont smoke. One tiny whiff and its like they've had 100 all in one go. When he comes to England he will see what a much cleaner, healthier place it is. No we don't have sunshine 9 months of the year but at least you can breath without inhaling somebodies disgusting smoke. He will also see how much education and guidance we have here about giving up smoking and what it is doing to him.

If that doesnt work, it will be hypnotherapy. If that doesnt work, I 'will' resort to more drastic measures


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## marinasmith (Apr 11, 2008)

Well, I smoke. It's bad, I know! I'm thinking about taking medication to stop, 'cause I have tried to stop all by myself 3 times and I always get back to it. Please do have patience with your boyfriend. Smokers are addicted and as any other addiction, it's VERY hard to get out of it.


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## Adrienne (Apr 11, 2008)

I personally don't think I'd have any patience with a smoker. I once was dating a guy that smoked.

I knew he did and I thought we'd be able to get pass it but one day he was smoking and as soon as he finished, he kissed me! I was so grossed out by the flavor and we didn't last one week.

I couldn't even imagine someone smoking around my child. This is a very harmful addiction and no child should have to be forced to smell this. I personally agree with you. Now your a mother and a good parent will put their childs needs and safety first before anything else, and that includes his father. If he wants to put his child first, then he'd quit.


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## Ricci (Apr 11, 2008)

Its totally up to you of course I suggest *Maybe he can smoke outside?*whilst trying to quit completely?

I wanted to add make sure he brushes his teeth after everytime he has a smoke ,, so u can kiss him n stuff


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## ForeverPink (Apr 11, 2008)

I am really trying to be patient. But my patience runs out "immediately" when I here laim excuses like "oh I am stressed about work at the moment" or "I am stressed about family" - in my opinion there will ALWAYS be some form of stress in our lives and he cannot use this as an excuse forever.

We are already way past the stage of him having to smoke outside and clean his teeth everytime. He has been doing this anyway because I wouldnt have it any other way. I can still smell it when he's cleaned his teeth though.

I am afraid im quite a hard tast master with people who just give excuses or false promises. After a while of being let down and given false hope, I just tend to tell them to go away until they can stick to their word. I really hope this doesnt happen with him. I love him and otherwise he is truly perfect. It would be a crying shame


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## Dragonfly (Apr 11, 2008)

He's the father of the child.

To me, it almost sounds like you want him out of your lives and you are using smoking as the catalyist.

From my life experience, ultimatums never work - in fact they have a funny way of backfiring.

As Ricci is suggesting, there is a thing called comprimise.


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## ForeverPink (Apr 11, 2008)

Hi,

No, him out of my life is the very last thing I want. But I did tell him when we first met that if children were involved then he would need to address the smoking, and he agreed I was right.

I am compromising at the moment by him going outside and smoking. However my reasons for needing him to quit is not only because of the smell. Its the medical aspects too and as he occassionally uses an inhaler for breathing because of allergies, the smoking is not helping.


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## Ricci (Apr 11, 2008)

I agree with Carol

Its not an excuse ,, stress does make u crave to smoke more

Originally Posted by *ForeverPink* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I am really trying to be patient. But my patience runs out "immediately" when I here laim excuses like "oh I am stressed about work at the moment" or "I am stressed about family" - in my opinion there will ALWAYS be some form of stress in our lives and he cannot use this as an excuse forever. 
We are already way past the stage of him having to smoke outside and clean his teeth everytime. He has been doing this anyway because I wouldnt have it any other way. I can still smell it when he's cleaned his teeth though.

I am afraid im quite a hard tast master with people who just give excuses or false promises. After a while of being let down and given false hope, I just tend to tell them to go away until they can stick to their word. I really hope this doesnt happen with him. I love him and otherwise he is truly perfect. It would be a crying shame


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## Maysie (Apr 11, 2008)

Both of my parents smoked growing up, and I remember how it made me feel when I'd have to breathe in their smoke...like I was going to get cancer, and like they knew and didn't care about that. I don't know if it would have been different if they'd only smoked away from us kids, but I believe smoking around kids is totally unacceptable and selfish. Now if he's agreeing to only smoke outside, I guess the issue is mostly between you guys. If he wants to stop and is open to trying different things to do that...patches, gum, whatever then give him time to do so. I'm sure its a very very hard habit to kick....but I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting him to do so. Especially because you guys discussed it before having a baby.


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## Aprill (Apr 11, 2008)

I thought he was in another country....or are you referring to another guy?

https://forum.makeuptalk.com/f11...ine-78021.html

Anyway, you are doing the right thing by saying dont smoke around my baby. Richard has always smoked outside, and when Trey was born, he didnt for a while at all, he has always thought that babies are very precious things. Anyway, throwing an ultimatum is not what you need. You guys have to come up with a solution


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## Lia (Apr 11, 2008)

One thing sometimes people forget: it takes THE PERSON to do major changes on their lifes, like dropping a habit (ex: smoking) or creating new ones (ex: eating healthy). If the person REALLY wants , he/she can drop the habit - it won't be easy , but commitment will make it. It's not what other people want that will make him change - ultimatums only work if the person in question feels really propelled to do the change for him/herself. If it's just to please another person, it'll fail in a matter of time.

That's why i don't say i need to diet - i know that i'm not in the mood of dieting and changing my whole lifestyle, even though i know it might be faulty, and that if i do a diet, i won't like that and will be miserable all the time because i'm not doing it for myself , but to please others. You have to help him to want to do the change for himself and for the kid, not to please you.

And a small tale to finish this: my mom smoked since she was 15 *she's 53, and she stopped smoking i think 6-7 years ago*. She stopped cold turkey - she was with a very strong flu, and she grabbed a cigarette to smoke. When she smoked, she felt a really strong pain. She said: you know what, this is the last one. She threw her cigarretes away and never ever smoked again, neither has cravings or *****es about it (like many ex-smokers do).


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## Ricci (Apr 11, 2008)

Funny but some can quit cold turkey and some cannot .. it depends on the individual


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## Geek (Apr 11, 2008)

Ric, that does nothing other than a minty fresh smoker's breath

Seriously though.





Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif 

I wanted to add make sure he brushes his teeth after everytime he has a smoke ,, so u can kiss him n stuff


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## Lia (Apr 11, 2008)

It's true - like i mentioned earlier. I said it probably would be hard, not that everyone can do like my mom did. My mom is a rare case, as a matter of fact.


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## marinasmith (Apr 11, 2008)

My dad is like your mom. One day he decided to quit and he never smoked again. He doesn't have any cravings or anything. It's been 3 years now.

And I totally agree! He has to make that decision, not you for him. Maybe when the baby is born and he holds it in his arms he'll decide that smoking is stupid and that he needs to be alive and healthy for his baby. You know how guys are...


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## Ricci (Apr 11, 2008)

How do u know have u necked with a smoker before?

Originally Posted by *Tony(admin)* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ric, that does nothing other than a minty fresh smoker's breath
Seriously though.


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## Geek (Apr 12, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Ricci* /img/forum/go_quote.gif 

How do u know have u necked with a smoker before? 


please lol


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## Ricci (Apr 12, 2008)

lol






Originally Posted by *Tony(admin)* /img/forum/go_quote.gif please lol


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## love2482 (Apr 14, 2008)

I feel you on this one hun. I am also with a smoker, and it sucks horribley. I'm trying to get fit, and run more, but being around his smoking is really making it hard for me to workout! I asked him to start smoking outside, which he does do when I am over, but it doesn't seem to help much. Blah. I hate cigarettes.


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## nikky (Apr 16, 2008)

it is good that you have these feelings about the smoking. smokers don't realize the danger they are putting non smokers in especially children. I am 32 years old and have been having problems with my throat since I was a kid I kept telling my parents that I was allergic to it and it was making me sick and they would get mad and keep smoking, a couple years ago I was over my mothers house and she and my sister was smoking and all of a sudden my throat closed I had to be rushed to the hospital and the doctor said I was loosing my voice box and had to give me steroids to make the swelling go down since then I had to have 3 surgeries for my throat and I can't talk for long because my throat hurts. I suck on cough drops all day because of the pain that I am in and my voice box feels like it is about to collapse. so stay strong about your opinion on the second hand smoke it is not good for your baby to have to suffer because of someone else parent or not.


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## laurreenn (Apr 16, 2008)

i think you should be supportive and try to help him through this. while your ultimatum might work, it might also alienate him and make it harder for him to overcome this. addiction is a hard habit to kick, and he will relapse and make mistakes and he's going to need your support. see how it goes and adjust yourself to accommodate your relationship.


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## S. Lisa Smith (Apr 16, 2008)

My wife smoked when we first met (she started when she was 14 or 16). I never have, except for a cigar here and there. I suggested that she stop. Not really an ultimatum, but I let her know it was a deal killer. She gave it up cold turkey and except for one incident when we were married and living in Hawaii (she was under a bunch of stress at work) she hasn't smoked since. That was 33 years ago. Stick to your guns!


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## debbiedeb77 (Apr 16, 2008)

smoking is bad no doubt but relationships are about working through these things as a team...you could give incentives instead of an ultimatum, it may give him less stress and allow you to conquer something together. I really think that you have to take it day by day and be supportive of his journey in quitting this nasty habit. anyway- good luck, i hope he has success in quitting!! aloha~ deb


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## jessiej78 (Apr 24, 2008)

Originally Posted by *ag10v* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I personally don't think I'd have any patience with a smoker. I once was dating a guy that smoked.
I knew he did and I thought we'd be able to get pass it but one day he was smoking and as soon as he finished, he kissed me! I was so grossed out by the flavor and we didn't last one week.

I couldn't even imagine someone smoking around my child. This is a very harmful addiction and no child should have to be forced to smell this. I personally agree with you. Now your a mother and a good parent will put their childs needs and safety first before anything else, and that includes his father. If he wants to put his child first, then he'd quit.


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## Sarah84 (Jun 16, 2008)

How are things going? did your boyfriend give up?

Im in a simular sitaution at the moment. My boyfriend gave up soming july 1st last year and went away a few months ago to amsterdam for the weekend and thought it wouldnt do any harm to smoke but it has and now he is smoking everday again and its driving me insane.

I really despise smoking for a number of reasons it smells, is disgusting and not good for your health on top of that i also suffer with a lung condition which makes me relise how valuable healthy lungs are and him abusing he's by smoking makes me really angry. He was a smoker when i first met him and he knew i couldnt stand it and i was so happy when he decided to give up but now i feel so disapointed that he's started again. I did something stupid over the weekend maybe some might see it as over reacting but i said that i was going to stay at my mums for a while as i just cant be around him smoking, although he smokes outside he still stinks when he comes in and i know he's had a fag. He says its just a phase but to me it doesn't feel like he has any intention of trying to give up again at least not at the moment. arghh i just feel annoyed with him for being stupid and smoking again after 9 months of hard work quitting.


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## Johnnie (Jun 16, 2008)

I can understand where you're coming from. Sure, smoking is gross, bad, etc.... I know because I used to date one. All I can say is that he's compromised by smoking outside but obviously it's not enough for you. He does seem to care otherwise he could've continued to smoke inside. Like everyone has stated habits are hard to break and I can only suggest that you put yourself in his shoes. You try having someone throw an ultimatum in your face even though they know you're this "perfect person" but don't care because you smoke. ?? As someone else mentioned...I'm sure he'll come to his senses when the baby arrives. For you to consider breaking up for this very reason, I feel is unreasonable and a bit selfish. He's not around you when he smokes and I'm sure he won't be when the baby is near either. People are going to say stick to your guns, etc....and to have it your way or the highway. It wouldn't be fair to him if you left with the baby. He could be the most awesome dad ever and because 'god forbid' he smoked, he's out. If you choose to leave then I hope you find someone who's just as perfect as he is. Good luck!


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## kdmakeuparts (Jun 18, 2008)

I definately say be patient. Smoking is a chemical and mental addiction, and just as hard to quit as any other drug.

My Husband and I quit when we decided to start trying to get pregnant with our first child. I swear I thought we were going to kill eachother!!!





It is tough and he needs your support. From an entire pack down to 5 is significant. And let him know you are proud of him for that.

I definately agree that smoking should never be done around children, and when he sees your baby I am sure that will be just the motivation he needs.

Stress is not an excuse, it is a valid trigger and it will take him time to learn to deal with his stress in a different way.

And in his defense you met, fell in love with, and decided to have a child with a smoker. While the reason is valid, you are still asking him to change and it will take time.

Good luck and congrats on the baby!


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## ivette (Jun 18, 2008)

your definetly not a bad person. i don't like anyone smoking near me either.

its not a good thing for you to be inhaling smoke, especially since you're pregnant.


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