# How do you deal with a bad break up?



## montes22 (Jun 17, 2011)

How do you move on from an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend after a bad break up?  Iâ€™ve gone through some relationships but this one has just been real hard on me.  Iâ€™ve been with this dude for the past 2 years.  We work at the same place, and last summer I moved 3 doors away from him because I needed to move last minute and townhouse by him was vacant.  So yeah, I broke up with him nearly a month ago and itâ€™s just been hard on meâ€¦ especially the fact itâ€™s hard to avoid each other because we work at the same job (luckily heâ€™s at a different floor).  The break up went very badly.  To sum it up: baby mama drama â€“ kids live with him full time so the mom was ALWAYS there to visit them. Every single day! â€“ he wonâ€™t stick up for himself or for  me when it came to her, chose to hang out with friends over me, on &amp; off drinking problem, caught his EX gf in his bed!!!!  And he swears nothing happened lol.  I could go on and on.  I do NOT want him back because of all the BS he put me through, but itâ€™s been so hard on me because for some weird reason I miss the hell out of him =(  I do not talk to him at all, he has contacted me several times saying he loves me bla bl..last time I I told him to stop contacting me.  Yesterday after work, I saw him for the first time in a month walking to his car in the parking lot..I wanted to burst out in tears but I kept my composure..until I got home lol.  So how do you ladies move on from a bad relationship? The steps Iâ€™ve taken so farâ€¦Iâ€™m moving in a week, and am planning on going back to school this fall.  But I find myself constantly thinking about him and missing him.  I know I sound pathetic lol but Iâ€™d like to hear how some of you have dealt with ex-boyfriends.


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## montes22 (Jun 17, 2011)

oops I just saw the advice forum.  I'd delete this and repost there but can't find the delete button


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## Dragonfly (Jun 17, 2011)

I hate to say this but it sounds like he was playing you and his ex.

Its a losing game because when kids are involved, you never win.

Also, she will always be in his life for the obvious reason that she is the mother of his kids.

And it sounds like she is doing what she can to get him back.

I think that you are wise to move away from him, and that you are returning to school.

I know that you work fairly close to him - can you take the stairs or find another place to eat lunch - so you won't run into him?

I don't agree with the idea that time heals all wounds. I think it is what you do with time that matters most.

Volunteering is a good way to keep your mind occupied, and it looks great on a resume if you decide to find other employment.

Also, keep your friends and family close during this time. Nothing like getting together and sharing some laughs and/or brownies with.

Hope this helps


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## montes22 (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks so much for the advice 



  Yea I can easily avoid him at work.  I know his routine schedule â€“ like when he goes to get breakfast in the dining hall, when he goes for cigarette breaks, where he sits at during lunch etc. lol smh.  So I just leave for lunch instead of staying around.  We used to have lunch together every day





But I know Iâ€™m making progress.  Other times when Iâ€™d break up with up, Iâ€™d just get weak and go right back to him within 2 days.  Itâ€™s been a month and itâ€™s the longest.  He knows I mean business and Iâ€™m not putting up with him anymore.  Like my mother told me when I called her upset because of the breakup.. â€œItâ€™s ok to cry to get over him..but if you stay there and be with him..youâ€™ll be crying for the rest of your life..youâ€™ll be okâ€ Motherâ€™s know exactly what to say geez!


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## LAminerals (Jun 17, 2011)

Do you really miss him? or do you just miss companionship and being in a relationship? If it's the latter, then I'd suggest finding some girl friends to hang with,or join some type of civic group, take a class, etc...get your life busier! If you really miss him, ask yourself why? Sounds like he treated you with utter disrespect. You deserve better.


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## divadoll (Jun 18, 2011)

Life is full of routines and humans are a creature that functions better when there are set routines.  You miss those routines that involved your ex and not really your ex.  You need to find new routines to fill your time and then you won't miss him.  Its like when you are quitting smoking, you avoid the situations where you would feel the need to smoke. If you smoke in bars, then you would avoid bars until you get a better handle on your smoking... same thing.  If you usually go home directly from work and make dinner before he gets home then stop at the library after work and get a book or take a walk or go to the gym.  Do things that break routines that involve that person and it gets easier.  Most of all, keep busy and you won't get bored and start to miss him.  

Everyone goes thru bad relationships.  It gets easier with time because you will find different things to do with your time than spend it with that loser.

PS.  I'll move you to Advice forum  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Amber204 (Jun 19, 2011)

Take a trip even if it's just a drive to another city for a week or so, meet some new people and socialize like a little butterfly it will boost your confidence instantly!!

I found that always helped best and I was lucky to do my breakup's in the summer and every weekend after work I would take off to a camp ground with a girlfriend and socialize it really got me out of that bubble I can get myself in when I feel down. I had some of the greatest moments in my life thus far doing that and have never looked back since I got home; afterwards, the gf's and I became so much closer than before and these girlfriends will last a life time.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## SarahNull (Jun 20, 2011)

The best way to get over a breakup is to set goals for yourself and work on accomplishing them. Keep yourself so busy, that you will not think of him. Surround yourself with good people. Set goals, as well as, boundaries for yourself. Rise above the situation and be stronger and tougher than the breakup. If you follow these simple steps, in due time, you will no longer think about him.


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## ls820 (Jun 21, 2011)

hi hun, i'm sorry to hear about this  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> break ups are such unfortunate events, though when relationships are toxic it probably is the best thing you can do for yourself.

He definitely does not sound like the type of person you'd want to go back to, the kid needs to pick himself up and slap himself a few times.

When I came out of my 2.5yr relationship it was hell, it was a serious relationship we felt like we were practically married. out of the blue he broke it off, wouldnt' tell me why, left me hanging. I think the best way is to let it all out, feel the pain, don't even try to suppress it. Otherwise you may feel it a year, 3 years down the track, you'll still wonder why? what happened?

so spend a day, 3 days, personally, i spent a week crying day and night. But it was good to let it all out.

You need to let your friends help you, it may be hard, I hate being sad around people, but they'll really help you overcome this hurdle. Surround yourself with your girlfriends who deeply cares about you.

Try not to jump into another relationship, rebounds are oh so good but oh so bad. You'll end up carrying your previous burdens onto this poor guy.... you'll fall into a positive feedback loop, it's a viscious circle! I wouldn't advice another relationship will you are at peace with yourself, at peace with the kid. However, having said that, you need to acknowledge the existence of great men out there!

Personally, even though he hurt me like no one has ever had, I don't hate him and we remained as friends. I wanted to keep him there to remind me of my mistakes. when I see him, i feel absolutely nothing. Because I really think that I could have done better. that's where you want to be.

For now, you need to rid everything that reminds you of him, moving is great, you need a change, something new.

You'll need to grasp a lot of will power, you'll endure a gallon of irrational beliefs and negative automatic thoughts.. but keep strong, do some self positive self talk. A few songs really helped me get through "Your ex lover is dead" By Stars. I thought the line "Live through this and you won't look back" was brilliant, infact the whole song is an amazing break up song!

Remember, it's the way you think that control your emotions. By controlling how you think and changing your behaviour, you can change your emotions. You deserve to be happy hun, anyone who is willing to sacrifice your happiness is not worthy of your time. I wish you the best of luck, and good luck with your studies, you'll do great! xx


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## rosieish (Jun 25, 2011)

Not pathetic at all. 

You are smart to go your way. Always trust your instincts. It's ok to feel what you feel. Let it out, revel in it. If it helps write down why you're feeling the way you do. There will be a day when you do see him you will feel sad, but only for him - for his loss of you. 

Seems like you're a smart girl who's got her stuff together and is willing to further herself. Do it, go for it. College / University is also a great place to let out some steam. There are numerous clubs / student associations that you can join and get your mind off this selfish person. Also great for booty call, if you need it. (Haha.) 

I was in a similar situation, except I was the baby mama. I had to leave him because he had a drinking problem, and also issues with drug usage. I loved this man very much. He was the sun it self when he was sober and loved me back. But he was a dishonest person. He said he would have to work late, and I found out from friend of friends that he pretty much was in another relationship with one of his clients - while living with me. I couldn't be a good mom, chasing this man - obsessing over him. So he had to go.

I mourned for a year and got off my arse and started going out when I had free time. (We shared custody of our son.) I would just go out to distract myself - walks, partying, movies, concerts, coffee, camping, and art galleries, with my son or girlfriends. It helped. I had so many distractions that each time I thought about this man, my brain would say "enjoy this now and cry about him later", when it came time at home at night - I'd sit there and think about him, I'd feel sad but the tears eventually dried up. Got to the point where I no longer thought about him, cause I was too busy thinking about someone else. (Someone who I clicked with - that I didn't have to explain my dorky jokes to. Someone who made loving so easy.) 

Take time to mourn, get it all out. If you need some books to help you, these are the ones I read during my mourning period;

_*He's Just Not That Into You*_ by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo 

_(This actually helped me out alot. I had the audiobook, and it was hard to listen to at first because things that they would say - I didn't want to hear the ugly truth of it. It would make me cry so hard that this person couldn't reciprocate my feelings. But eventually as you trudge along the grief while listening, you start to eventually accept the truth. Once that happens, the impact of the hurtful truth ebbs away until there is nothing left in you to give into grief.)_

_*I Used To Miss Him...But My Aim Is Improving*_: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James

_(This book helped put things in perspective for me, kind of a guide to what to do with yourself and grief - aside from crying your lashes off. Teaches you how to deal with your feelings, even as uncontrollable as they seem.)_

_*Yesterday I Cried*_ - Iyanla Vanzant

_(This woman is a fantastic writer, she wrote about her life time of abuse from childhood to married life. She has such a way of clarifying muddy situations, that it just feels so good to read her words. Her books bring me comfort when I feel like going off the deep end.)_

Apologies for the length, I hope this helps.


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## Deni Gashtilova (Jul 12, 2011)

Women need someone who can protect them...Pfff...Stories like those are sad....Come on girls...we have to be stronger....and we have to be ourselves....Good luck everybody!


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## KaeceeLove (Jul 12, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *LAminerals* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> Do you really miss him? or do you just miss companionship and being in a relationship? If it's the latter, then I'd suggest finding some girl friends to hang with,or join some type of civic group, take a class, etc...get your life busier!
> 
> If you really miss him, ask yourself why? Sounds like he treated you with utter disrespect. You deserve better.


this is exactly what i was going to say.


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