# Dead girl walking!



## MissMissy (Oct 8, 2007)

well i had a rough sat night.

went out of town to visit my best friend. i grew up with her, she was my maid of honor in my wedding, she is my girl. Her man is a complete bastard. i never really liked him.. well i take that back. there was a time. he was a great guy treated my vickie like she was a queen. till his dad died. a little over a year. we hadn't seen them for about 5 months. after she moved out of town to go to college. and well he did a complete 180!! he was just had the attitude of what ever. we went to walmart and he was screaming at girls whistling at them and just wow.. it was so not him.. well as time has gone on.. in a nut shell. he was with out a job for awhile vivkie supported them.. then he started laying his hands on her. beating her . threw her through a wall. choked her just wow. then he finally got a job. well two jobs he stays with a buddy in some town while he works during the week and comes home on the weekend. he lets vivkie know. he pays rent. he makes the money. his house his couch everything is his.. he has told her multiple times he dont want to be with her. he hates her he is done. blah blah.. i have just kept to myself.. well till recently. on my honey moon he rised a hand to her and i went off on him. said he was done with her.. i was liek THANK YOU GET LOST.. nope still together.. well now we get to last night. everyone was drinking have a good time.. till he started with vickie telling her he was just there for his money. he didnt want her. making her feel like crap.. saying he would never marry her he didn tknow why he was with her. so finally i said then leave.. he yelled at me THIS IS MY HOUSE&gt; i said fine leave vickie. he said i cant she gets stupid and cuts her self.. well then he told vickie to get off HIS couch.. she moved. and then got up threw everything off hte table he jumped up threw abeer can at the back of her head. and she fell forward i jumped up and started cussing him.. and he threw a remote at me and threw me across the room. my husband then came kicking the door open (he was really drunk.. he as out side puking) and vickies guy got in my husbands face.. as soon as my husband walked in and they got in a big fight.. i was punching the back of vickies mans back screaming for him to leave my husband alone.. and i was just scared.. finally it cooled down and vickie ran out side i told her GET YOUR THINGS YOUR LEAVING&gt;. she fell on the ground crying.. my husband grabbed her by the hands and was going to put her in the car.. she ran screaming back in side.. we stood like... what in the hell.. we went in there and my husband said this is enough you are leaving now vickie.. and her man got in his face again .. saying he never touched me and to get out. this was his house and to take vickie with us.. he hates her he is done.. my husband started to get pissed and got in her guys face and she was like no no its ok he loves me.. he was like no i dont.. finally i said we are leaving.. i called her dad on the way out. and told him everything.. said i couldnt keep it to myself anymore.. that he is going to kill her.. he is 5 times her size and he went off WHAT!!! well her guy called ands aid you forgot something.. so we went back and she came out and was like did you call my parents.. i said yeah.. i did. get mad hate me.. i dont care.. but he is going to kill you. he chokes you and she got mad and went in.. and we sped out.. i called her dad back he said she said it never happened...

i just said.. WHY WOULD I LIE!! and AGG! i called her back and said.. we would not be back till she got rid of him.. my husband does not want me near them.. cause he put his hands on me.. and on him.. she said oh its ok.. we are talking.. and we were done trying to help. we want nothing to do with it anymore.. well today they called cause the guy my husband is selling his bike wanted to talk to him .. but through vickies man.. his name is ryan. acted like nothing happened last night.. my husband was like dude.. wtf! THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!.. what else can i do.. to get her out of that house.. i just dont get her...

not to mention we have a wedding this weekend.. and they are going to be there.. i dont want to be around them at all. what do i say.. back off leave me alone.. i just.. i need some advice!!


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## enyadoresme (Oct 8, 2007)

whoa whoa whoa

after paragraph three i started thinking "WTF is WRONG WITH HIM?!?!"

and you're a good friend for standing up for her


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## empericalbeauty (Oct 8, 2007)

sounds like he has a big issue of displacement (a common defense mechanism most people use. Your boss yells at you but you go home and yell at someone you view as non-threatning).

Anyways, I think this guy needs to go see a psychologist because out of everything you said, the most significant case is that this all started when his father died.

It could be that he views vickie as a medium to get his anger out. Also seems to me that he hasnt fully come to terms with the death of his father, and upon loosing a parent, some people really do not know how to react afterwards. Could be that he is still in shock. If he was close to his father, it would explain why he treats her like crap. It could be that since he has lost a "role model" (again, depends on the relationship he had with his father before he died) and feels lost (no direction in life because he "the father" isn't there to guide him), vickie is the one that gets the rap for it.

::shuts up::

I still say he goes to see a shrink because he has a serious case of anger displacement.


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## MissMissy (Oct 8, 2007)

he has done a 180 for real.. his dad would KILL him .. they were close.. his mom hates him.. and his little brother has tried taking his life. he has a bad history no dought. but i just dont know what else to do with my friend.. I have offered my home to her. my shoulder my money everything! im stepping out of the picture till he is gone. I cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped..and sadly he may never be gone. tills its to late.. but i cant risk putting myself in danger or my husband! he is not messing with my family!! i just hope her dad sees the picture.. and does something and i wish they would just leave each other.


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## empericalbeauty (Oct 8, 2007)

She wont accept your help because, to her, he loves her. Nothing you can say will change that. Women like her usually don't walk away till it gets really really bad. Rock bottom bad. Since he was close to his dad, and his mother (a female..notice the connection here?) hates him, it is very plausible to find a positive correlation between his father's death and his change of behavior. Taking his anger out on vickie, could be his own way of getting back at his mother (or father, if you want to get really technical). Get your friend, Vickie, away from him because if he doesn't get help soon, it might be a different story. There are so many ways to analyze this matter but the most important thing is seeing that she is okay and that he gets help.

By the way, I applaud you for stepping in. Some people would turn a blind eye to it but please, don't turn away from her now. Tough love, is not what she needs right now. I understand that it is frustrating. I also understand that you cant keep talking to someone who has the listening skills of a wall. But the guilt you would feel if something were to happen to her would not be worth it. It might take a while before she fully sees that the relationship is going to damage her but it would be worth it, when she walks out alive.


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## Maysie (Oct 8, 2007)

I think sometimes you can't do anything but let your friend know you're there for her if she needs to talk or get away.


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## pinksugar (Oct 8, 2007)

I agree - I think you need to spend time away from them. You have done everything you can to try and help her. Some people wont accept help and they wont help themselves. I dont see any point in you becoming hurt either physically or emotionally as a result of getting any further involved.

I know it sounds harsh but I would cut and run. When your friend is ready to leave of her own accord you can still be there for her


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## macface (Oct 8, 2007)

Eventually she will leave him.Sometimes their nothing we can't do until she open her eyes.


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## KellyB (Oct 8, 2007)

You can only let her know that if she decides to leave that you will help her. You have let her know how you feel and she continues to put herself in harms way. The reasons for women staying with abusers are so vast and deep that it's not worth trying to figure out. She needs to know that you will always help her and be available when she decides to leave. You need to let her know you love her and you fear for her safety, but that you won't put yourself or your husband in danger again. I sincerely hope she will get tired of this and leave.


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## MissMissy (Oct 9, 2007)

yes.. i am basically cutting and running.. i told her last time i spoke i was here when he was gone! I cant put myself in danger. he THREW ME across the room.. if im her friend she should care.. but she don't and worse of all i might be pregnant!! and she knows that.. but still in her eyes he did nothing wrong! Im not having this.. i cant give help to someone who doesn't want it.. so i let her know. hey when he is gone.. im hear for ya.. till then later!


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## adrianavanessa (Oct 9, 2007)

I dunno, that sh*t is CRAZY.


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## JennyMcL (Oct 9, 2007)

Its a terrible story. You're in a tough position. About all you can do is let her know you're there for her and hope she comes to here senses. I know its a lousy position to be in.


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## kisska3000 (Oct 9, 2007)

i don't know how about other people out here but to me it looks like she is really really scared of him thats why she is not leaving him. i mean it looks like to me that he is capable of anything even killing her and thats what she is scared of. i mean its not an excuse for the guy to become violent just because his dad died or maybe its just his way of getting even with world to be cruel. he looks like he is a dangerous guy and he should go for a profesional help and you should be there for your friend. talk to her on the phone and stuff just don't go over there because by standing up to her you not only endanger yourself, your husband but her as well. maybe you should meet up with her alone without any guys and stuff and show her in what kind of danger she is and try to open her eyes. but you should always remember that you and your family comes first so don't put yourself into any kind of danger.


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## farris2 (Oct 10, 2007)

Damn! Thats a losing battle youre fghting and it really sucks.


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## Shelley (Oct 10, 2007)

I agree with KellyB and Kisska.

I am a DV survivor and it would take me forever to explain as to why women stay with abusers, many reasons. I know for myself I was fearful of leaving because he said he would kill me if I left. Also abusers are very good at playing mind games. One minute they say they love you, next minute they hate you.

I understand you are frustrated watching this happen but I think the best thing to do is let your friend know that you will support her when she makes the decision to leave or if she needs help leaving. Victims often feel ashamed of their situation and support is what they need. She could be scared to say anything when he is around so it is possible when she is alone with you she may speak more about the situation.

Sometimes victims want to stay with family when they leave for support but if the abuser knows where they live it could easily put them and the family in danger. A shelter is safer.

I had one person support me but even with that it took about 5 more beatings before I had the guts to leave. I'm not really sure what opened my eyes, maybe the fact I knew he was going to kill me eventually and it scared me.

I hope your friend gets the courage to leave and stays safe.


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## MissMissy (Oct 11, 2007)

I dunno.. i just wish i could get her out of that house. i know nothing i say will change her mind.. the way she sees it.. they just had a bad fight.. they will work there way through it! I admit it.. i think about her all the time.. im so scared for her.. he plays mind games with her.. BAD!!.. i just cant put myself in danger.. i have to exit the situation.. my husband for one .. doesnt want me near her till he is out of the picture..

and just for the record... about 2 years back she was pregnant and then had a miscarriage.. i wounder if he had something to do with that?


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## Shelley (Oct 11, 2007)

Originally Posted by *MissMissy* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I dunno.. i just wish i could get her out of that house. i know nothing i say will change her mind.. the way she sees it.. they just had a bad fight.. they will work there way through it! I admit it.. i think about her all the time.. im so scared for her.. he plays mind games with her.. BAD!!.. i just cant put myself in danger.. i have to exit the situation.. my husband for one .. doesnt want me near her till he is out of the picture..
and just for the record... about 2 years back she was pregnant and then had a miscarriage.. i wounder if he had something to do with that?

I understand you don't want to put yourself in danger. If your in contact with your friend by phone or email I would let her know that you want to support her but afraid of being put in danger. I thought the same at first in regards to it's just a bad fight or he is just stressed/depressed and it's temporary. It's not temporary. 
Miscarriages can be caused by different things but it is possible if she was knocked down or kicked by him she had a miscarriage.

Here is a link for information and safety plans in regards to domestic violence Personalized Safety Plan - Domestic Violence

Resource information/phone numbers- Resource List Abused women


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## farris2 (Oct 11, 2007)

I really wish her all the best hun.I hope she gets out of there before its too late.


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## MissMissy (Oct 12, 2007)

thanks for the links. im going to check them out right. now.. i see her this weekend.. kinda have to.. a wedding is going on and she will be there. with him.

but i am just gunna tell her upfront... vickie.. i said we are no longer buddies or hanging out till he is out of the picture.. he put his hands on me and thats all it take for me.. once! when he is gone i will be here to help you! and walk off.. sounds bitter. but i fell its the only way right now.. i have been nice and caring for the last year and you see where it got me.. thrown across the room.


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## luxotika (Oct 12, 2007)

Really, there is nothing you can do. Your friend is the one that has to take action. I hope they get the help they need.


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