# Is he trying to change me?



## Tears_Of_Blood (Jun 30, 2006)

Me and my boyfriend recently got into a teeny ..uhm i dont know if i should consider it a argument.. but basically he toldme this :

* he has to make all the decisions for us [supposedly:S]

*I act like a little kid some times

* i take things too personally

* he hates the way i react when he says a joke :S

* sometimes he feels like a father to me.

* he wants me to be more agressive, like, instead of asking him if he wants to do something with me, tell him .

And it gets me kind of pissed, my friends say that he's trying to change me. And then hes like " im not in the relationship to change you, so you're going to have to do this on your own" Its pretty confusing. And then i told him how i felt, how i felt that i am never good enough for him and that he always find something wrong with me. I also said " i dont know if you do it intentionally or not... correct me if im wrong" and all he said was "i dont know" and like, he didnt even give me any reassurance, until i asked him. I asked him if he loves me and he said , ofcourse i do. Mind you this is his first real relationship, and its almost been 4 months now.. he confuses me sometimes.


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## Lia (Jun 30, 2006)

I think he's not , i think that he's only trying to make you a better person giving some advices.

From what i read, i imagine you're just like 2 friends i have, that almost never give their opinions and get themselves in situations that they don't want because "they can't say no". We (friends) try to make them speak out for themselves , giving a lot of advices . Also one of those 2 friends is 20, but since her mom died really young, her father and elder sister overprotected her and she is a huge woman (she's like 1,75 to 1,80m ,and gorgeous even though she's a bit overweight) now but can't deal yet with some "real life situations" (the first time she got on a public transportation bus was last year) and we try to make her "grow up" (we actually achieved a lot with her, because when we first met her she behave like a 12 year old school girl)


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## LVA (Jun 30, 2006)

my b/f is the exact same way w/me. ... onli cuz he's 1 years older and smarter (school-wise) He thinks he knows everything ... but he doesn't ...

i wouldn't worri about it .. .i don't think he's trying to change u ... there's something about men and power ... (i know this is usually said of women) ... they want to prove they are better. ...If they are so great, they woundnt' have to prove anything =/


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## kittii (Jun 30, 2006)

i dont think his intentions are to try and change you hes more or less trying to give you simple hints about what he doesnt like. say you wanted to go to the movies and you walk up to him and say "hey wanna go to the movies tonight" he would rather hear " We are going to the movies tonight" maybe he doesnt want to give a yes or no answer and would rather say ok. My husband tends to ask me all the time what do you want for dinner? see now im stuck in the spot to choose for both of us and to me thats really hard so i'll say i dont know or you pick and than that makes it hard on him so rather than saying i dont know or you pick i just say the first thing that comes to my mind. We usually do a your turn my turn kinda thing so we both get what we want in the long run. Sometimes listening to your friends isnt always good specially if they might have a grudge with your new guy for some reason. rather than changing yourself for him just agree with him you dont have to change who you are. If you notice things that he does that you dont like or which was different you better be telling him to otherwise he'll just keep doing it and it could cause a big problem in the future. I hope i made a little sense good luck with the guy and dont be to hard on yourself.


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## Aquilah (Jul 1, 2006)

I don't personally think he's trying to change you. I used to be the same way in relationships. Finally, I started taking the bull by the horns and made more decisions. His opinion still mattered, I just didn't feel the need to go solely on HIS opinion anymore.

One thing you need to do is to follow your heart and your head. Sometimes friends don't always give the best advice, especially should they be jealous or feel like their friend is no longer available. Now, I'm definitely not implying this is why your friends said what they did! I don't know them, so I'm not passing a judgment there.

There was a time when John did the same thing to me. Except he did whatever I wanted to do and rarely had an opinion or stated if he wanted something. He was "people-pleasing." Not good! You're not getting your own opinions, feelings, wants or needs out for attention they deserve. As soon as John quit trying to please me all the time, I didn't feel like I was "walking all over him." Maybe this is the case with your man. Maybe he feels as though you're not being satisfied to some degree and he wants to ensure you're happy in the relationship. Except in your case (assuming it's about the same), you're people-pleasing, and he's trying to get you to stop...

As far as him stating you're too childish or take his jokes too personally, maybe you should think about it to make sure he isn't right. I know I've been guilty of the same thing in the past. Now, I laugh at John's jokes and I don't take things as personally. Sometimes it happens to be something subconscious that happened to us or reminds us of something, and that's why we act the way we do. Also, it depends on *HOW* his jokes come across. If it's a totally cruel joke, and it doesn't sound like it's a joke, then it might not be.

While I realize he loves you and this is his first real relationship, it definitely takes *TWO* to tango and make a relationship work. You need to be sure you're expressing what *YOU* want to do. You've only been together for four months, which isn't a horribly long time. At least not IMHO. At this point you're still getting to know each other, and you're figuring each other out. If he's already figured out what buttons he can press to bother you, then he might keep on pushing them. You need to detach the buttons, as hard as it can be. This is something else I used to be guilty of. I suffered extremely low self-esteem issues, and I've gotten A LOT better about them all. I'm a lot more confident than I used to be, so things don't bother me the way they did. Something else I learned, if I can't laugh at myself, then I'm going to take things personally.

I'm not too sure if I helped there sweetie, but I hope I did to some level. I don't think he's trying to change you at all. I honestly think he's trying to make you a stronger, and possibly better person. I don't think he intends to hurt your feelings with his jokes or by saying certain things. Like I said though, make sure you're not reading more into what he says or his jokes. I wish you the very best babes! (Sorry that was SO long!!!)


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## tsims (Jul 1, 2006)

i dont think he is trying to change you, in fact it is really a plus he can tell you how he feels, holy crap a guy that communicates, someone pinch me.

you probably have had different experiences, therefore you handle things different, as you progress along in life you will probably change some in the way you react to things, however i think being a bit childish and immature can be a good thing for a relationship, gosh being serious all the time can be real bummer and totally boring, hows that go "all work and no play make jack/jane a dull boy"

also one person in a relationship usually does seem to run things or make most decisions, it just really depends on the circumstance, i do all the bill tracking and official business stuff, but my hubby has done it too, i just seem to be one that is better at it or more tolerant for it. he on the other hand makes all the vechicle decisions , but i usually get my way on what i am driving, ok i get my way on everything after thinking about it. damn i am spoiled.

opposites attract to , i am the serious one in this realationship, while my hubby is the jokester, it gets annoying at times, but i would not have him any other way, he makes me laugh and feel better when i am down. he always makes it ok.

so, take this a good thing, and maybe work on what he has said, you guys could pick a day of the week and on that day, all the decisions of where/what you want to eat, the activity you guys do together are all your choice and no asking him he has to do what you say, since that what he wants . LOL. the evil side of me says make him go with you to vicoria secrets or something like that LOL. just kidding dont do that. i think he said he wants you tell him to come instead of asking him because he feels like if you ask, "do you want to go with me" it is saying you dont care if he comes or not, like you could take him or leave him it does not matter. he may need some reassurance himself, see how it works different from men to women, women want to hear it, and mean want to see it. oh and it does not end there, he has to work on a pet peeve you have with him. communicate, compromise goes a long way.

.and last you are 14? i am assuming he is not much older or the same age? if so he is at a age where boys just have no clue on how girls take things, take it lightly and try to laugh with him, i am not sure about what you mean by how you react when he says a joke? and your girl of course you take it personally, more communication and explanation might help with that issue

good luck

ts


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## girl_geek (Jul 1, 2006)

This is my immediate first impression of your post...

First of all, I think the others gave some good advice about your indecisiveness, and perhaps needing some more confidence so you won't take things as personally. There was a point when my ex and I were both very indecisive and we could never decide on anything! Likewise, I used to be offended easier by some people's jokes, but once I realized they were just joking and weren't trying to personally attack me, then I just ignored them!




(However sometimes you do meet the occasional person who you just know really is trying to attack you, no matter how hard they try to disguise it as a joke... hopefully that is not your bf or else you want to get out now!)

Originally Posted by *Tears_Of_Blood* And then hes like " im not in the relationship to change you, so you're going to have to do this on your own" This statement really stood out to me. Regardless of whether he's trying to change you or not, it's obvious that he thinks you should change for him to be happy in the relationship. So unless you truly do want to change, and you want to change for _yourself_ and *not* for him, then this relationship is not going to work in the end.



Just from experience, and from stories my friends and family have told, if a relationship is going to work for the long-term you have to love each other for who you *are*, not who you think the other should be or will become! Whenever a person thinks they can change their SO or that their SO will change in the future, it almost never happens. Likewise, your bf can't make you change, and you shouldn't try to change just to please him. 
Here is another way to think of it .... if you have to change for him to love you, then his love must a conditional love. If you do want to stay together for the long-term, what happens when one or both of you change as you get older? Because I know you will both mature and change as you grow older, I have, and so has my ex, and my hubby, and really everyone I've known... Will you still love each other in the future?

Originally Posted by *Tears_Of_Blood* And then i told him how i felt, how i felt that i am never good enough for him and that he always find something wrong with me. I also said " i dont know if you do it intentionally or not... correct me if im wrong" and all he said was "i dont know" and like, he didnt even give me any reassurance, until i asked him. I asked him if he loves me and he said , ofcourse i do. Mind you this is his first real relationship, and its almost been 4 months now.. he confuses me sometimes. Again, another warning sign to me. If one person is always finding fault with the other (or even if one person *thinks* the other is always finding fault), that is not the formula for a happy relationship. Again, it's the same thing about how you have to leave each other for who you are. It's okay to point out some faults if you do it in a loving way, but if all you ever hear (or say) is negative, then that obviously isn't going to work out! Now sometimes a person can just forget that their SO needs reassurance too -- sometimes I do get in the habit of being the "nagging wife" and telling hubby more negative things than positive



But that never works because he's not happy, and when I realize that I start making more of an effort to show my love for him! Sometimes, especially after you've been together for a while, it's easy for one person to assume "Oh, he/she knows I love them, I don't need to say it" but you really do need to say it, all the time!




Anyways, don't take me wrong, I'm not saying you need to break up with your bf or anything. I think you've taken the right first steps in talking to him about this. I just think you both need to think about what's going on, and you both need to decide if you're happy in the relationship, and if not, is there anything that you are willing to do to make it happier?

Hope that helps!


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## Pauline (Jul 1, 2006)

Hi, it sounds to me that what your boyfriend is actually saying is,he wants you to make more decsion's and also be more assertive and less passive,therfore you being more aggresive and assertive. Tell him that's fine by you,but that you want him to tidy the house,. cook your dinner etc etc. See how he likes that...oh and for the record your bf IS trying to change you.He wants you to be someone you aint and he wants you have charactaristic's you don;t seem to posses at the moment.


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## Nox (Jul 2, 2006)

I had this same kind of issue with my current husband. When we were first dating, it was a similar situation, but it really did take time for us to mature in the relationship together, and it's only been getting better and better. I am more assertive without being offensive, and he is more thick-skinned and less passive-aggressive.

Who knows, this may turn out to be one rewarding relationship if you continue to learn more about each other's mechanisms. I think relationships that start off like this are potentially more work in the beginning, but you end up finding out more things about your partner that way because not everything in the relationship was easy going from the get-go. Did I make any sense? LOL!


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Jul 9, 2006)

Just tell him instead of yelling at you or screaming at you when you are in a fight. To tell all these things when both of you are calm and not fighting. Find a better time. i dont think he is trying to change you. Disscus the issues with him.


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## 4getmeNot (Jul 9, 2006)

i don't think he is trying to change you either. it sounds like to me he just wants you to be more..assertive and independent. i've went through this type of thing with my bf. you just have to hold your own, and let him know you're your own person. btw, my boyfriend still tells me i'm a little kid, i'm like whatver..i just laugh at him..haha. every single guy i've dated has their own immature ways, i think it is just somethign we have to deal with..hope everything works out for you.


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## LVA (Jul 9, 2006)

o ... i know i already replied to this thread but ... i also wanted to add that .. my b/f say these exact things to me ...



but ... he loves me more than anything ..so he can say what he what ... sometimes things he say goes in one ear and out the other


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## MermaidWitch (Jul 9, 2006)

I don't really think that he's trying to _change _you. Some people pick at little flaws they find with each other, then when something makes them really mad, they use it as amunition against one another. I used to do this to my boyfriend alot and he thought the same thing you did. I told him that he wasn't responsive enough and I felt like I always had to initiate things, when what made me mad was something that wasn't even related to that. I think alot of people do this. I also think that it's has something to do with your history...For me it was people picking on me...so I became defensive.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you don't worry about it too much. There are many bumps in the road...overcoming them just makes the relationship stronger.


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## tooff (Jul 17, 2006)

poor gal.. you must be feeling very miserable... I guess he's just trying to communicate but he does not seem to know what we want.. sigh.. man!! they think they know everything!!


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## mebabygirl86 (Jul 18, 2006)

to answer ur question,no i dont think he wants to change u just give some advice,but if he wants to make the decisions why should you be more agressive?i feel like you should tolerate nothin that ur not comfor table with.i find myself thinkin my man is tryin to act like my dad sometimes too but i think it comes with dating the older guy in my case 4yrs older,so we conflict alot.like i like to party once in a blue but he feels like i shouldnt cuz he got clubbin out his system.gurl its flat out like this,a woman should change for no man unless its positive so if you feel like this is not your thing go from there.if he can accept it he will,if not then he must deal with it


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