# I had a talk with my parents



## Shelley (Feb 10, 2007)

I have posted in the past about my abusive exbf and how my parents reacted (zero support). Basically they blamed, judged and told me that I deserved the abuse, would tell my ex where I was, made a cold remark in regards to asking if I wanted to be buried or cremated in case him or one of his friends kill me. Witnessed my now ex bf hitting me at a bbq they hosted, but didn't say anything to him, instead blamed me, that I must have done something to make him angry etc.

Anyways I decided to have a chat with them. I asked them if they were unsupportive because maybe deep down they felt guilty for not helping me, situation scared them so much they weren't sure what to say or do, angry at my ex but instead took out on me?

They said no to all of the above three. My mom became angry and said "When your dad and I married we only wanted one child (I have an older brother, lives in a different Province), and then you came along. We don't believe in abortion, so we decided to keep you, but in fact we only wanted one child, not two!"

So I said "Well if you didn't want a second child, why didn't you give me up for adoption?" My mom said "Back then adoption was different, plus we didn't want friends or neighbours frowning upon us for giving up a child, so we kept you!"

I said "So is that the reason why you acted unsupportive while I was with my ex and even after I left him? Due to you not really wanting me in the first place, didn't matter to you,what happened to me, whether I ended up alive, maimed, or dead at the hands of him?

She said "Yes!"

I always sensed something all my life about my parents, but never knew the truth. They haven't been supportive at all while I was growing up, so I learned to defend myself or by watching how other people interacted. But when I found out the above recently, it sent shivers down my spine.

Around others they act like the "Cleavers", make themselves look like the perfect parents.

I don't share the above readily with people, because it is awkward.

I don't have children, but could never imagine treating anyone this way, especially my own flesh and blood.


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## Angie2006 (Feb 10, 2007)

Girl....you need to get out of there! AND you need to see a counselor.


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## emily_3383 (Feb 10, 2007)

im really sickened by that. You need to just get out and surround yourself with people that love you. I cannot believe a parent would say that.


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## AngelaGM (Feb 10, 2007)

I am crying just reading that! You need to get some therapy to deal with their callous ways. And I recommend no contact with your parents. I think they should be ashamed of themselves!!!


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## Shelley (Feb 10, 2007)

It makes me sick too. I try avoid talking to them at all costs, rarely phone them etc. I mean you hear of parents on the news, talk shows, that treat their children badly and it is sad, but when it's your own, it just shocks the hell out of you.


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## Saje (Feb 11, 2007)

I dont even have words to say to them that wont be edited out for content.

Leave them to their miserable lives because they do not deserve someone as amazing as you.


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## reginaalear (Feb 11, 2007)

I feel really bad for you. I grew up in a situation like that. I moved out at 14 and married at 15. My parents divorced when I was 5. They had 3 other children my youngest sister passed away at 2 mo. from Sids, my mom said she didn't care she was gonna give her away anyways. She kept me and my brother and sister. She had a boyfriend which later became my stepdad that was mean to us....mentally not physically. We were kicked out a lot and had to stay with friends for the night until we could return home. I still have no real contact with my mom or dad. I mean I talk to them sometimes, but not often. I wish we would have been put up for adoption when we were younger. I know where your coming from. It's hard to hear that no matter how left out or odd you feel growing up. I'm lucky i'm still with my husband have 2 daughter's and a pretty good life. I would suggest some counseling, and get out of there away from them. You don't deserve to have to put up with that, and they don't deserve you. You are a gift and they should love you no matter what. Not everyone plans on having children but the moment you know your getting that precious gift you know it's meant to be. Sorry if I seem to be Rambling!! I hope you understand what i'm trying to say. You deserve better than to be treated like that!! My mom went on to get a divorce and is now married to a man who molested his own child. she never sees my children but has never wanted to. Same way with my dad. I just know their the ones missing out, not me!!! I really hope you get to feeling better!


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## Shelley (Feb 11, 2007)

Thanks! Wow, that must have been really hard on you. Your mom is remarried to a man who molested his own child?! Sad that she never wants to see your children, but in some ways good that they won't be around her new husband who molested his own child. I try to tell myself everyday they are the ones missing out, not me, there the ones with the problem.


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## reginaalear (Feb 11, 2007)

I agree....one day they will think about the way they treated you...and mine will me. They say you pay for the way you treat others. One day they will regret it.


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## Dragonfly (Feb 11, 2007)

Shelley, please consider the advice I offered in a prior post.

Trauma programs helps people that have been abused to the point of developing PTSD.

Until you get some councelling, you will always be haunted by your ex and you will never get away from your toxic family.

Contact CMHA or battered woman's shelter and see what progams they offer that will benefit you.


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## Shelley (Feb 11, 2007)

Thanks! I phoned the battered woman's shelter, they have a program, but are absolutely full right now, put my name on a list.

I may try to find a counselor who specializes in abuse, ask around.


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## pinkbundles (Feb 11, 2007)

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like to have your parents admit to you that they never wanted you.

As a mother, I can't imagine not loving my girls. I love them soooo much. So I don't know how your parents can feel that way about you. But it's not your fault they feel this way. It's not like you had a choice whether or not to be born so you can feel all this pain.

I don't have any advise. But I just thought I'd give you a virtual hug.


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## MissMudPie (Feb 11, 2007)

I'm so sorry. I don't know how anyone could say or do such horrible things. No one deserves to be abused. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## DesertDiva (Feb 11, 2007)

*Oh Sweetie.... I just felt so compelled to write to you to just tell you I'm so saddened by your note. I too like the others have said am in utter shock that a parent would even say something so cruel and heartless like that to their own child. I can only imagine how much pain you are feeling... I just wanted to send you a big hug and I will keep you in my prayers. Good for you for checking into the counseling and getting on a waiting list. Maybe there are other places you can go to talk to someone before that? In the mean time, be good to your self and know you are special and loved and surround yourself with loving friends like this group here on MU Talk.*

Sincerely,

Holly


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## KristieTX (Feb 11, 2007)

*hugs* Shelley. I'm so sorry to hear this. What a horrible thing for a parent to tell their child. I can't believe they would even think it. You are a wonderful, sweet, caring person and you do not deserve to be treated this way. I agree with the others, I would cease contact. You have had it rough enough without your own parents making you feel worse. You'll be in my thoughts.


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## bluebird26 (Feb 11, 2007)

I'm sick to my stomach to hear that  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> I'm sorry you have to go through all this. That's really really sad to know about unloving parents.


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## MissMissy (Feb 11, 2007)

You poor thing. I know how you feel. THough i say that nobody know how it feels, every situation is different.. My mom told me she wanted to get an abortion with me and has told me in gthe past she wish's she kept the appointment but she said these things out of anger. Your parents just saying these things. No anger or anything must hurt. I would not call them any kind of parent. As hard as it may be you would be better with out them dear. Them inflicting pain on you seems to be there goal in life. And you are much to good for that. I Have had really bad fights with my parents .. in fact i got put in foster care when i was younger i had to stop talking to my parents for about 2 years till we they came to there sinces now we are very close. I live with my boyfriend and things are good. dont get me wrong we still have bad fights. Maybe that what you need is to stop interaction for awhile. for them to come to there since that you are not door mat and wither they wanted you or not you are human and are here on earth. And have feeling. And if they were so worried what others thought maybe they shuold think about what people would think to know the truth about what they say about an abusive boyfriend and blam you. i can only pray for things to get better keep your chin up.


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## WhitneyF (Feb 11, 2007)

I am truly stunned. There are no words to express how deeply sorry I am. Your parents sound like lunatics and you don't deserve to be treated or talked to like that. You should definitely separate yourselves from them. What if you do end up having kids....think of how they might treat your offspring.


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## Shelley (Feb 11, 2007)

Thank you everyone for your support! It means the world to me. I do try to tell myself I am better compared to my parents. Thank goodness I am not like them. I just have to distance myself.


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## alice_alice (Feb 11, 2007)

hi. i've read your previous posts about your ex, your friends and your parents and all the things they put you through and it always left me speachless. i really dont know what to say except i'm very very sorry. i honestly dont think many people could survive this kind of physical and emotional abuse. you gotta remember this and you gotta remember how incredibly strong you are. never lose faith in your ability to cope with life no matter how bad it gets. it seems to me tho that at some point of your life you ended up surrouned by all those extremely cruel abusive unsupportive people (bf, family, friends). now that the ex is gone for good isnt there anyway for you to also lose the rest of the psyco bunch. one of the most basic human needs is the need for love and security and they obviously dont provide you with that. i cant even begin to imagine it but if i were you i'd run as far away from them as possible and never ever look back. its easier said then done but can you find a way to relocate somewhere far from them? somewhere where you can start anew and most importantly where they wont be able to find you?

i'm sorry i couldnt be of more help. i wish you all the best and dont forget to always take care of your own needs first. its not being selfish, its being healty.

hugs


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## SherryAnn (Feb 12, 2007)

This is absolutely heartbreaking to me.

Yesterday I read in Glamour magazine about a woman whose parents cut all ties with her, and she sought new parents. It is on page 155 of the February issue of Glamour. (If you don't have the magazine, let me know and I will scan it and e-mail it to you so you can read it.) The woman put an ad in the newspaper, linked it to searching for a family Homepage and had some great results. She launched Familywanted: find your family in our global village which is a support system for people who are hurt by their families not wanting them/estrangement.

You DON'T deserve this. You don't deserve to have a life where you do not feel like your parents love you, support you, or want you! Good heavens! It breaks my heart so much to know that there are parents out there who would have loved to have you as their princess, yet your parents could not see the gift they had been given.

Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself, and proud of who you are, and proud of how well you have turned out despite having the feeling that you were not loved and wanted. I would die if my daughter ever felt like that.

Let me know if you ever want to talk! I am so saddened by all of this!


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## Kimmers86 (Feb 12, 2007)

That is so awful! I can't believe they would admit to that and act like it's perfectly normal! I would definitely stop speaking with them, that's probably what they want anyway, right? I'm so mad from reading that! It has nothing to do with me and I want to march right up to them and slap them or something! Anyway, on a less angry note, contact me at any time if you want to talk... Focus on the good in your life, hun!


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## Sonia_K (Feb 12, 2007)

Wow...that is truely very sad. And Yes, you are a much better person than your parents could ever be. It sounds like you have been through a lot in life, I hope with each passing day you get stronger and live your life with confidence. Lots of hugs and good wishes.


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## Kookie-for-COCO (Feb 12, 2007)

Honey, we wil be your family. Nothing like MuT. Just get on-line there is always someone here. We all have troubles- sometimes we all toss and turn--but there is someone-someday- that will love you just because you are you. Until then--we love you. Kookie


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## -Liz- (Feb 12, 2007)

i dont know what to say i send u love and im really saddened by this,k i agree with getting some counceling if at the least just to speak with someone unbiased, *bear hug* u deserve much much better, but at least now u have closure, and u should just try and cut ties as much as possible xoxox


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## Tina Marie (Feb 12, 2007)

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this... You seem very very strong and you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope things start looking up!


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## Zoey (Feb 13, 2007)

Hey Shelley,I am sorry for late reply,I only saw this thread now. I am really sorry you have to go through this with your parents and I can imagine how hard it must be to accept that they are really meanies and really not at all care for you and your wellbeing. I know you can do this and distance yourself from all your 'friends' and 'family' and start all over.

*hugs*


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## Ricci (Feb 13, 2007)

OMG Hun Im so sad for you,, My mom slowly distant herself from all of us .. but I couldn't imagine.

How strange how they feel like that is there mental illness history in the family?, I am so saddened from this

hugs kisses


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## blueangel1023 (Feb 13, 2007)

Wow...that just sickens me. I'm shocked your mother would even say that to you. I feel neglected by my parents as well (we never communicate in the house) but I don't think anyone should say that to their own flesh and blood...even if they're in a pissed off mood. If you ever want to talk, I'll be here for you. There's everyone here on mut who will lend a shoulder, ear, (choose a body part) to you too Shelley  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

*huggles* :hug:


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## pinksugar (Feb 13, 2007)

I'm so sorry to hear that, you're right, it's truly shocking, and difficult to know how to respond to such behaviour. Of course you're better than them. I'm glad to hear you've booked yourself in for that program, you deserve love and support at such a difficult time.

I have already decided that to have children you need to be truly selfless. If I can't ever look beyond myself, if I'm too selfish to give up everything for my own children, then I wont ever have kids. How could you bring up a child like that? it sickens me.

Wishing you all the best.


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## VenusGoddess (Feb 13, 2007)

OMG...I'm so sorry to hear that. How absolutely horrible of your parents!! I do think you should just walk away from that whole situation and not let them back in your life.

Other than that, all I can offer is a big hug. :hug:


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## CandyApple (Feb 18, 2007)

That was truly a heartbreaking story.Take care of yourself and know that you are worth it! The most important thing is to love your self, and get out of the abusive relationship for yourself! I think if you speak to a counselor it can help you alot.


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## jessimau (Feb 18, 2007)

*HUG* Shelley, I'm so sorry. I can't believe your mother would say that to you! Well, I can, but I'm still shocked. Some parents just have no business raising their children. I can't say they have no business reproducing because you deserved to be born just as all the boys I used to work with deserved to be born. They were all rays of sunshine who just got screwed up by others along the way. I'm constantly amazed at the strength you show in the face of all the crap you've had to deal with. It's great to hear that you're looking into getting help. Something to maybe address at some point would be how to handle a relationship with your parents, if you're going to have one at all. It certainly sounds like cutting them out of your life might be the best option, but only you can decide. You know, it's likely that you ended up with an abusive guy and unsupportive friends because your parents treated you the way they did. What's great is that you have enough strength within you to break out of that pattern. I wish you luck in finding a counselor and I hope that you're able to start healing from all of this. I'm here for you, as are we all! *HUG*


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## KatJ (Feb 26, 2007)

Surround yourself with good people. Thats all I can come up with, I am amazed at that, I'm so sorry you had to hear something like that come from the people who are supposed to love you the most.


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## sooner_chick (Feb 26, 2007)

I am so sorry. I was badly abused by my adopted parents, { I can't go into detail } there was alot of abuse. I understand your hurt, your anger, and your pain. We humans are resilant beings, we can take an emotional wacking, and bounce back. I wish you the best of luck.


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