# Controlling husband :(



## Sparko

i apologize in advance if this turns out to be a long rant.

i just got married on January 12th to what i thought was the man of my dreams. we weren't together very long at all when he proposed, and of course i said yes, thinking i had a really good thing i needed to hold on to. before we were married, everything was PERFECT! we'd go out all the time, i'd go hang out with my friends whenever i wanted, i had a say in whatever i was involved in and who i talked to, i basically did whatever i want, seeing as how i AM my own person.

well almost immediately after we got married everything completely turned around. we stay home all day watching tv and going on the internet. that's literally ALL we do. everytime i mention that one of my friends wants me to hang out with them, he guilts me into staying home, always saying "just stay home for tonight, i really want to spend time with you, just for tonight, you can see them anytime!" but that's EVERY TIME. whenever i even mention a guyfriend he gets soooo jealous and starts off on this "i know how guys think!" rampage. i never get a second to myself because neither of us have to work. i've even said i wanted to get a job, just so we'd have a few extra dollars, but he always throws a fit.

it makes me so angry because he's so dependent on my company that he's ruined my social life COMPLETELY! i can literally count the number of friends i still talk to on one hand.

of course i love him, and of course he makes me happy, but the situation he's put me in makes me so miserable. i'm still young! i need to go out and have fun! i need to have some time to myself! i went from being an out-of-control teen rebel to a boring, scared nothing.

every time i try to talk to my friends about it they just give me that "well, that's what happens when you get married" crap, and i know that can't be true! my 60-y/o parents have more fun than we do!

i just hate how much he changed just the day after we got married.

i don't know what to do, i've tried talking to him about it too, but he just laughs it off and denies it.

i want to make it work, i mean it's only been a few months, there's no way i can give up just yet. but i might literally go crazy if i stay bound down to the couch not being able to leave at my own free will. even going to a different room in our ONE ROOM APARTMENT makes him complain and try to make me feel bad for "leaving him."

any advice would be super... i just get so upset, and wind up convincing myself i'm overreacting but... this is not the life he led me to believe i'd have.


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## Maysie

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Anyone should have the right to have a social life and to go out and have fun! When you get married your life doesn't end...heck if anything you should be having more fun! Especially as newly weds. And you're still your own person. What would be upsetting to me is the fact that he's laughing off your concerns, it shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Maybe you should just go out and get a job, to take some time away from him, and he'll start to ease up and maybe go out with some of his own friends and then want to go out more? Sorry if this is rambling...I hope you're able to do your own thing...my sister is in a controlling relationship and it's not something I'd wish on anyone...and the longer you allow it the more he's gonna think he has a "right" to tell you what to do/not to do.


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## dlwt2003

Gosh I feel bad for you. I think you do need to get a job or somethign to get outta the house. I mean cant you jut go to lunch with a friend for starters. You are not suppose to be together 24/7 pretty soon you will drive each other nuts if you havent already. Start by saying so and so and I are going to lunch if he says no or whatever say well she is having a problem and she really needs a friend right now and i already told her I will meet her. Good luck. I would try to schedule my friends in if I were you. Maybe he worrys you will talk about him or soemthing LOL Good luck


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## frazerti

you know I was going through the same issue you are having. When I got married I was 19yrs and my husband 25yrs, you just got married your husband feels as if he does not want to let you go or that he does not want to be left alone. I used to go to the gym, alot but then he decided that he does not trust men and did not want me to go so I told him that I am miserable and if he does not change then I don't want to be with him so he changed, then it was going out with friends so I would say hey I'm going out with so and so and he would say well if you can do it I can do it too so I said ok, he was trying to make me feel as if I was doing something wrong, but you got to let him know how you feel, if you don't you really will be miserable thats all I can say I just hope he is not the crazy type if you know what I mean.

p.s I have been married for 5yrs and our relationship has gotten better yours will too.


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## pinksugar

it sounds like he has some kind of fear of rejection. I know this will sound really lame but we're bunny sitting and every time we try to leave the room when we've taken him out, he runs between our legs and tries to follow us, and if we shut the door, he sits outside and looks sad.

Maybe he feels like you won't come back? I'm at a loss to explain why he suddenly changed his behaviour, if he was fine before. I'm with dlwt, just schedule them in, or call on your mobile when you've gone grocery shopping or something and say, 'oh, I just saw blah blah and we're going to get coffee! we'll be back soon!"

alternatively, sit down and MAKE him take you seriously. I'm a bit concerned that he's laughing it off. I can't think of a way, but it's like you've got to make him understand that it's damaging your relationship. All the best hun.

xox


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## reginaalear

I agree! Great Advice!! I would be concerned that if you don't stop it now it will get worse could even lead to abuse! I really hope you can get everything worked out.


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## Aprill

ditto!


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## H1baby

I completely agree. You do not need an obsessive husband. If you do not stand up for yourself now it will only get worse. My friend is in the same situation but worse due to not stopping it. She will post later.


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## Jessica

I too agree with this advice!!! I was wondering how come all of the sudden he has become so dependent on you???


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## han

sounds like he is insecure and a bit controlling. you just have to put your foot down and tell him you are gonna do what you want and what makes you happy its your life that you choose to share with him and if he cant deal with it then TOO BAD, if he cant trust you then he dont need to be with you.


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## emily_3383

i wish you the best.


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## Dragonfly

Some guys treat their wives quite differently, once they become married.

I have heard stories about men becoming physically abusive after marriage, because they view their wives are property. Yet they never raised a hand prior to marriage.

You are just a newlywed. Did the two of you do any pre-marital councelling before marriage? How does he feel about his mother? What are his parents like - do they treat each other in a healthy manner? Did he exhibit any controlling or manipulative behaviour before marriage?

What does he say about prior girlfriends? Do you know anyone that dated him that might give you some insight on his attitude toward women?

I don't agree that things will necessarily improve. What might occur is that you will comply, tolerate his behaviour and live your life according to his demands.

Even if you don't need the money, find a job or volunteer or take some courses. They will give you a sense of purpose, will help you set goals for ourself, will get you out of the house and become independent again. And you will get opportunities to have other people in your life besides your husband.

If your husband is controlling and manipulative, he will try to isolate you from others. He will perceive your friends/family as a threat, so he will want you away from them.

I wish you luck - please try to find out more about how he feels about women/relationships and you will gain insight into his behaviour.


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## Shelley

I'm not saying that your husband will turn out this way but..

I had a boyfriend who was nice etc when I first met him, but over time he slowly became controlling, manipulative and in time he turned very violent. I have also heard of men who never raised a hand before marriage but once married turn violent. It's not like they haul off and hit us one day. It starts as controlling, manipulating behaviour and increases. From my experience, and in the case with most abusers, they start off with isolating you from friends and family, verbal abuse, manipulation, makes you feel guilty etc. I'm not trying to scare you or say this will happen , but just keep it in the back of your mind. I really hope everything works out for the two of you, were here if you need us.


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## magosienne

ditto. this happens always more often than we think, not to scare you but that's usually how abuse starts.the others have given great advices, and i agree you need to get out more, so even if you don't need it find a job, or some courses, go out with your friends. you can for example schedule grocery shopping with one friend.

you have to react now, before he begins to think him controlling you is the normal way of living as a married couple. because it's not.

i wish you the best.


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## Sparko

thank you all, you're all so great.

and you're all so right.

but the thing is, i can't just schedule some time with a friend, because that's when he works up his "please stay home today, i want to spend time with you" crap. we actually got in a HUUUUUGE fight two nights ago, and i just let everything spill. every little thing that bothered me, i told him about it and bawled my eyes out. and he still denied most of it. then he suggested we "sleep on it" and figure out solutions in the morning. i told him i didn't want to do that because the issues won't mean as much in the morning and we'll just wave it off and pretend it didn't happen. but yesterday, he was actually reeeally sweet to me and we got out of the house and did a few things we both would enjoy. i don't know if that's him realizing what's been wrong, or if that's him trying to make it up to me for having that huge fight. i guess i'll have to wait and see if it continues, and remember that there ARE two sides of it and i can't just have him suddenly start spoiling me.

you all gave such good advice, i wish i could just come up with a simple answer for what's been going on.

also, my best friend and i have been trying to schedule a date together for just me and her to go off and do whatever, for a few months now. but maybe if i make that just-me-and-her day happen more often? the hubby's real good friends with her boyfriend, so maybe we could just trade for the day, have a ladies day out while they have a guys day out doing whatever they want.

also, *cyw1*, i've only talked to a couple of his ex-girlfriends before, and they're all really sweet girls, they never let on anything about him acting this way. i'll have to speak with his most recent ex about his behavior with her, but she's about 50 times more of a girl that doesn't let ANYONE push her around about ANYTHING, so... not that i want to blame myself on any of this, but personality does make your situation different. and also, his parents are divorced and have both remarried, but from what i've seen, they all treat each other with absolute respect, especially his father. he's got a good relationship with his mother, i mean he'll ignore her calls here and there but doesn't everyone do that? lol.

and i've tried just absolutely, 100% straight-faced telling him "i'm my own person and i'm GOING to do whatever i want" and my usual reaction from him is a small chuckle and an "oh really? you think so, huh?" so i don't understand if he thinks it's all a joke, or if he really does think he has the right to control me, but all i can really tell him is to stop thinking he's my father and let me be who i am, and i swear up and down that it's not like i'm planning to do anything to betray him in any way. then sometimes i'll threaten to leave and go out for a couple of hours (always letting him know that i AM coming back) and then he starts saying "if you leave, there WILL be consequences" he's not threatening me though, because i asked him "oh REALLY? what do you think you're going to do? what exactly ARE my consequences?" and he says something about it's not him giving out the consequences it's the results of my decisions or something, i really don't remember exactly what he said.

he's got a huge thing about wanting to protect me, i think that's definitely part of it. he's afraid something will happen and he won't be there to do something about it. he knows exactly how dangerous a life i used to live, and all of the crazy things i used to do, and i've been doing it ALL my life, i think i can protect myself and if i don't well... that's the way it goes. but then he thinks that avoiding any danger or adventure is the way to go 'cause you don't have to worry about bad things happening if you stay at home watching tv all day ::rolls eyes::

oi, sorry, i certainly did not mean to ramble on and on for this long. i thank every single one of you ladies for helpin me out. i've got some major thinking to do on this one.

i think i will get a job sometime in the near future. i could use the cash, and we both could use the time apart. even though he doesn't agree with either of those. pfft.

thanks again, ladies!


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## magosienne

i'm glad you have talked with him and spoken your mind.

i agree having a girls' day while they have their guys day is a good idea, and then you could have dinner together.

i think maybe why he's acting like this is because he doesn't want you to leave and divorce like his parents did, because even if they treat each other with respect, they're not together anymore, and kids always suffer from this. he wants to protect you and loves you, but too much love can be a poison.

just remember to be careful, okay?

i hope things are going better for you, and keep us updated  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## pinksugar

same. Best of luck.. I'm sure that you can work it out. At least you've said your piece now.


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## han

i think finding a job might do you some good and give you some freedom and independance, also being married doesnt mean you have to be tied down to the house and tv and depend on him for $$ support.. you need to take control of your life while you still can because if he doesnt losen up you are gonna feel trap.. i wish you luck, stand up for yourself and the freedom to do what makes you happy.


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## Sparko

thanks again ladies!

these past few days have been pretty good. we've both been able to casually bring up things that bother us without starting a fight, which is a MAJOR accomplishment. things are just ... a lot more peaceful, it's nice. i'm sure there will be quite a bit of work to keep it that way, but i obviously know it's worth it. i'll keep every bit of your advice in mind in case things get bad again, but you ladies have helped tremendously, thank you ^.^


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## sweetnsexy6953

Thats good. Just hope things keep going on a smooth track. Good Luck. Let us know if anything happens.


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## Tabitha

I certainly wish you and your hubby the best of luck. However, there's a chance he could go back to his controlling ways as a hubby of my friend did several times throughout their marriage. He always promised things would change and they would for a while (till he got comfortable again) and then it would go back to the same old crap....not wanting her to go anywhere, talk on the phone, etc. I'm going to tell you like I told her...you can only be controlled as long as you're willing to be controlled. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. Sadly, it took my friend 9 years of marriage to that jerk before she finally got it.


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## kaeisme

Eh...I honestly don't want to paint a bad picture and maybe he will come around...but your story is not unique and it's almost textbook of the starting of domestic violence..the alienation of your friends...and of just the outward world...telling you it's just the way things are...I have seen so many women come through ER with the exact same start of the story...please be careful..


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## KristieTX

I understand how irritating it is to be the friend of someone with a controlling husband who can't go out certain places cause her husband wouldn't approve. I am going through that right now.

Her husband won't let her go out after dark because he is under the mistaken belief that she will be hooking up with guys and she puts up with this crap. She "Yes, Dear!"s him and does everything. All the cooking, cleaning, child raising and he doesn't lift a finger. And she is so obsessed with him (yes, I believe it is more obsession than actual love and the fear of having possessions taken away) that she does everything he says. And I am both sad and rather ticked over the situation.

So, in other words, you go out with your friends when you want and be your own person. Don't think cause you're married, you're dead. Just some friendly advice and I hope things work out well for you.


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## Sparko

once again, thanks all for the advice. i'm going to work very hard to keep things the way they've been the past few days.

thanks for worrying and for the info, kae. having him tell me what i can and cannot do is one thing, but i have absolutely zero tolerance for physical abuse.

i've had only one physically abusive relationship in the past, and absolutely WILL NOT put up with that again.

he knows that putting a single hand on me will ruin this marriage, and he seems too dependent for that, but i'll keep an eye-out for any additional signs.

thank you all so much for your advice and for worrying about me. it truly touches my heart that even though i know none of you in real life, you're all friends to me and i can't thank you enough for caring ^.^


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## pinkbundles

I feel bad for you. It sounds like he wants you all to himself. But come on now! You need time away from him or else he'll start to drive you crazy (if he hasn't already) and vice versa. This doesn't sound good at all. Boredom plus a mixture of jealousy and control will drive a huge wedge in your relationship. You need to take immediate action by speaking to him and make him listen.


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## Sparko

oh trust me, i told him that i'd go crazy if i were trapped here with only him for too long. then he tried to turn it around so the attention was on him and said "but i'd go crazy without you! you're what makes me happy! i love you and i want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you, that's why i married you! you just make me so happy, i couldn't imagine being away from you at all!"

ugh, gag, right? i told him from the beginning i'm not into mushy crap like that. and you'd think if he actually loved me so much, he'd want me to be happy too, right?

eh, oh well. things are still good, we haven't had any arguements, not even any small ones, since that last big one (which kinda creeps me out, lol)

before, even little things like when i offered to take out the trash, he'd be like "noo, you can do it later" and start pouting, it was so annoying. but today, i took my time emptying the trash and getting the mail (it's kind of a far walk to get the mail, we usually just drive by it when we come home from doing whatever, but it was a really nice day) and he didn't even say anything, didn't mind at all.

i know that sounds so ridiculous, but it's a small breakthrough. he hasn't argued with me the past few times i've offered to get a job. and our financial dealio is doing REALLY well lately, and he knows i'm real sensitive on that issue. so i really think he's realized a few things that've been wrong, i'm really proud of him. i'm still keeping an eye out for relapsing and whatnot (that's kind of a strong word), but he's been pretty cool. i'm really enjoying being around him lately.

i'll keep you all updated though!


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## katnahat

Sounds like he is trying to be better. Still, watch out for a relapse. Your situation sounds very familiar. Controlling people don't just stop all of a sudden. These kind of men (not saying yours is) will stop for a time to appease you. Then when you are totally comfortable it all starts reverting back to how it was. They can do it for a time but when they think you are getting "too independent" they reign you in. At that point the controlling will get worse because they have to get your mind back to thinking you are "not allowed" to do anything again. I don't mean to be negative, but I've been there before and it normally is never as easy as him stopping and everything being all good. I had to leave my boyfriend due to this. This was when I was your age (oh boy, I'm old enought to say "when I was your age" :eek2: ). After I broke it off, he went nuts. He began to stalk me and this went on for amost a year before he finally left me alone. There was no stalking law back then so it was NOT a good time in my life. In my case control turned into obsession and that became stalking.


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## BeneBaby

I feel for you! I was in a VERY controlling relationship for about 4 years. At first I thought his little jealous streak was cute and endearing. It made me feel loved. Well it got really bad. A lot of the things you described were things I went through and worse. Eventually I ended it. My advice to you. Don't back down...ever. If you feel he is wrong, than most likely he is. Don't let him convince you that he acts this way out of love. You sound like a very smart girl and I wish you the best! I hope he continues to improve and that you two have many happy years ahead of you!


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## CuTeLiCiOuS

Just sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Have a serious and open chat. Disscuss your concerns as well as his. Tell him that you would like to go out and hang out with your freinds on some nights. You are not being selfish. Bring him along and maybe after couple of nights he will see you are doing nothing and just decide to stay home. Make a chart or a plan. Deal with problems when they first show up.

In a healhty marriage, you have to have a good relationship with closeness and separateness. Indenity inside the marriage and Indenity outside the marriage( as in career). When you go out with your freinds you are still married , when you go to work you are still married. Tell him that. You will still be married. Those things won't change it.


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## cotton_candy

talk, talk &amp; talk

no matter how many times he laughs back at you... talk to him

tell him how you feel.!

this is the most effective way!


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## RHYTHM261

Plan something for the two of you and YOU take HIM out. Please stop letting him guilt trip you. That is classic passive agressive behavior. Stand up and let him know that you are going a little crazy with this staying home and having no social life( which could surly include others as well as just the two of you.)

He is not going to change his antisocial behavior unless you help him. I'll bet he doesn't have any friends that are in the real world. He has a lot of cyber friends.

You deserve better. I know I'm in a relationship that's very similar. I gave him till October to make changes or I'm leaving.


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## farris2

good luck,I hope things change soon


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## Sparko

a little update...

i decided i'm going to wait to get a job because there is just way too much that needs to be done around the house. we've been here almost three months, and still have boxes, and we can't paint until we get rid of those, and there's so much cleaning to do before painting also and blah blah blah.

but, for mother's day, i went out with my mom and sister, just the three of us, no guys, so i left him at home and went out. i came home and he just complained (in an endearing sense though) about how lonely and bored he was with me gone all day but he went out and did some things by himself, and even picked me up some new cross-stitching stuff which was nice but felt like a bribe... and while i was gone he went to Michael's craft store without me! lol

but i got to talk to my mom and sister about how upset i've been that i really have no life and just sit home all the time and that i couldn't even go out if i wanted because i have like NO friends now because of my inactivity and because i don't drive or have a car (and i've been buggin him sooo bad to take me to get my license but.. pfft whatever), and i really only have 2 left and one just had twin babies and the other is pregnant and probably going to move so her man can go back into the military. so my mom and sis both offered to come and pick me up and we'd go hang out.

i think that it'd be easier to convince him to "let me" go out if it's with family because he really has no say in it.

and also, he gets along RIDICULOUSLY well with my dad, so if i wanted to go out for the day with my mom, he can at least hang out at their house with my dad and wouldn't go totally crazy.

we did get in another REALLY huge fight to the point where we both were threatening to leave (but the difference is that i always promise to come back) and he was the one that ended up actually leaving (little did i know he was just chillin out in his car). i don't even remember what the fight was about, but i just remember that it was absolutely awful, ended with him saying crap like "i don't even know who you are" and me voicing that i didn't even know why we got married in the first place. left us both feeling really awful, and i know that nothing got resolved that day, just like every fight we ever have. we're just too stubborn.

but as for right now, we're doing good... i'll have to spend more time with my family, it's definitely a start. since that fight we've been picking up a lot more hobbies, very few of them outside of the house, but still hobbies nonetheless.

the thing i hate most about it is when my best friend is over and my hubby will say something and i'll have to listen like the little sheep that i am, and my friend will just look at me with the most horrible "oh, holly, i can't believe how weak you've become" look on her face.

i try so hard to stand up for myself while not turning into an absolute b**** to him (because what we need is understanding, not mutually harsh attitudes).

i feel like all that i just said makes it sound like things haven't changed but really they have. or at least they're in the process of changing. i guess i really just hate how two-faced he can be. he'll be a zillion times too mushy for one second, and the next he's ordering me around like his slave. even my mother says it sounds like he treats me like his pet dog, and i barely even told her anything.

i think it'd be an awful lot different if i were able to drive and supply myself with things like that. my mom also offered to take me to the DMV so that i can renew my driving permit so that i can eventually get my license (haha, i feel like i'm still 15, having my "permit") and the hubby and i have been looking at family-type cars (not that we're planning on having babies anytime soon! we've got enough things to deal with right now! hehe) so then we would have two, sooo... i don't know, i've got it in my mind that if i drove or had a job my world would just turn around completely... and then i feel like an idiot because i know that's hoping for too much. ach. sounds like i've got enough issues with myself to be worrying so much about the few i have with him right now.

okay, well, now i feel like this was just one big babble, so i'm lettin it go.

so basically... things are in the works of becoming better, if they aren't a little bit already ^.^


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## pinksugar

well at least things are looking up.. I know how you feel about mutual understanding.. it's a really difficult issue because you love him, but at the same time, you do have to watch out that you don't get taken advantage of or treated badly.

I wish you all the best of luck. keep your head up, get your lisence and remember that everyone on MUT wants to help and be there for you  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## chocobon

I think this is very unhealthy and that u should be able to hang out with ur friends every once in a while cuz in the long run u r going to feel trapped and u will start to drift away from each other,if u both have some time apart even an hour a day it would do so much help to ur marrigae as u will miss each other more and u will have more topics to talk about!!


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## SherryAnn

Please, don't give in. The way you start out your marriage will be the pattern you end up settling in for the rest of your life. Stand your ground firmly yet lovingly. He will see you for the strong, confident woman that you are.

Make your "Girl's Night" a regular thing. Please, please, please don't let him control you. It is SUCH a hard road to haul.


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## elisha24

You really need to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. Don't let him push you around and walk all over you because he will learn he can do it all the time. You need to address the problem, don't get sucked into a few nice days of doing things because it won't last. You are both your own people and need to spend time apart doing your own things, otherwise you are both going to end up at eachothers throats. Find a hobby, or a job and don't let him push you around!

What he is doing to you is emotional abuse which is just as bad as psychical abuse. And don't let him guilt you into thinking your been a b**** when you are just standing up for yourself.


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## AngelaGM

To be quite honest, I would love to know what you both did to amass a fortune so that you both do not have to work. I am sorry I am being nosy. Secondly,

The fact that he is so controlling is a red flag. Maybe get some counseling so you both get to the bottom of his insecurities. Also if he begins to physically abuse you run, not walk, from this marriage.


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## Karen_B

I am getting bad vibes from what you're telling us. He sounds like he is very insecure and is trying to fix that by controlling you.

He is a grown person, and so are you. It is NOT healthy for two adults to be joined at the hip like he feels you should be. Marriage is not a symbiosis, it's a partnership.

Also, he has no right to order you around and make threatening remarks like "there will be consequences if you leave". Even if he doesn't say straight out he will hit you, it is a threatening thing to say.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, I just want to let you know you are in the right here, so stand your ground. I hope it works out for you.


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## Catski

Okay, here's my take on this.

My boyfriend is very similar. Admittedly we are younger than you guys - 20 and 22 - and we've only been together a couple of years, but James' basic problem is that he is very, very insecure. He is not confident in himself and it makes him that awkward combination of clingy and controlling. I myself am very independent, and what with him working and me at university, we actually live in different cities. But during my holidays, when I stay at his flat for a few days, he will follow me from room to room. He dislikes my male friends on principle, and if I say I need to study, or work, or see a friend on one of his days off, he tries the guilt trip to get me to come over instead.

I'm working on this in three ways:

1. Firstly, constantly reassuring that yes, he is my favourite boy.

2. At the same time, whenever he tries to follow me around, I sit him back down and tell him I'll be back in however many minutes, I'm just off to do whatever. Plus the above reassurance.

3. The last thing is being consistent. I figure it's like training a dog - eventually the constant repetition will get through :icon_chee I make sure that whenever I tell him I have to go somewhere with a friend, I text him when I leave and remind him that's what I'm off to do, and I try and text him during the evening or whatever I'm doing for an update. Lastly, when I get back home (to my house, not his) I text him before I go to sleep, once again with the reassurance.

I know that you are married and you therefore don't have the liberty of living elsewhere, but I feel like we have similar problems. Like I said, for me, it's being firm and consistent with him, and using reassurance and rewards - like a nice meal in with him - to show him I'm pleased with the way he is treating me.

I hope some of this might be of help to you  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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