# I want to live forever! Semi-long.



## PerfectMistake (Feb 21, 2007)

Okay - last night as I was getting ready for bed, I (as always) starting thinking about random things here and there. Well for some reason the face that one day I will die came to me and did not settle well as all. I haven't had anything traumatic happen recently or anything, either.

I instantly started bawling a sobbing, and couldn't stop myself. Face was all scrunched up and everything. It was as if I just learned the worse news ever or something. It was terrible. I could feel one of my aniety attacks coming on, and I had to stop it because it would have been a bad one. I put on Sex and the City and that helped calm me, but I was still crying.

After I got over the sobbing and freaking out I was still crying, tears running down my face, couldn't be stopped. Thoughts of how sad everyone will be after I have passed, knowing Evan would not have a mommy anymore...it all just completely freaked me out. And it still kind of it today. I really love my life and this world and I don't want to ever leave. It's just weird thoughts that I can't stop!

Has anyone else ever had this happen to them? Does this maybe have something to do with the depression I still have lurking around? Heeelp!


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## Aquilah (Feb 21, 2007)

I'm so sorry Alex! I've never experienced like that, but I've felt anxiety over it... Especially after I flipped my car and lucked out without even getting hurt! :hug:


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## pinksugar (Feb 21, 2007)

yep. Sometimes you just have those weird moments. Just the other day, I was on the phone to the bf and I just started crying. I couldn't bear the thought of HIM dying. It's called love  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> :heart:


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## Aquilah (Feb 21, 2007)

Oh! Definitely! I can't imagine my life without John! No one can even mention anything about him passing or being severely hurt around me without me freakin' out on them!


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## daer0n (Feb 21, 2007)

Same here, i cant think of myself passing away and leaving my husband and my babies behind, that ....terrifies me, same as losing my husband, i can't think of it, it makes me so sad  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> I love them too much.


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## SimplyElegant (Feb 21, 2007)

I'm sorry to hear that. Worrying about it won't make it any better and you may regret focusing on this if you continue to do it though and it'll make you feel worse and it might make you feel like you're wasting time when you could be spending that time being happy while you have the chance.


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## PerfectMistake (Feb 21, 2007)

Yeah - I got to thinking about how terrible it will be if my parents died or something. Ugh...I just hate the thought  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> Why can't we be like Everlasting Tuck? LOL!


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## Sonia_K (Feb 21, 2007)

I know the feeling. Even the thought, of something happening to my kids or husband terrifies me to death. When these types of thoughts do start to come up in my head (and make me cry non-stop) I try to get over them fast, otherwise I would be in a constant state of depression.

I can't imagine my life without any one person of my family not with me. :scared: Luckily, I haven't felt this way in a while. I somehow think its related to changing hormones.

Hugs to you, PerfestMistake. :hugss:


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## Gwendela (Feb 21, 2007)

I had a moment like that after I first became a Mommy. Well once the miracle of life and the joy of being a Mommy period. Then it hit me. I am someone's Mother, I am not immortal and neither is anyone else. What a depressing, but enlightening moment. Yes it is scary, but try to look at it as a reminder that life should be lived without regrets. Granted I don't mean going all woo hoo crazy, but it made me think about how I treat people and how I look at the world in general.

Sex and the City is good therapy though. I watch it every night. :rockwoot:


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## bella1342 (Feb 21, 2007)

I'm so glad someone posted this. Alex, I would almost think you were me. I have been thinking the EXACT same thing lately... even down to the sobbing etc. The only difference would be for me this has happend more than once. Alot more. Like on nights I'm alone, if my bf goes out or something... I think about death, I start crying. I worry about me, my bf, my son, my mom and dad, my 2 brothers and sister. i think all of this started a few years ago when my mother went to a psychic (sp?) (I don't believe in them... she went just for fun) she got the terrible news that one of her children will die at a young age. she didn't tell me this, i overheard her in her room talking on the phone to my aunt. It freaked her out, and when I heard this it sent chills down my spine... and I never forgot it. Even though I don't believe in them, it makes me wonder which one of us it'll be.

now i live in my own house with my son and bf... i constantly worry about my family at my "old house." Maybe it's the motherly instinct in me... I always liked to know where they were.. if they were safe etc...

it got so bad, that i went into work (my parent's restaurant) balling last week. my mom asked what was wrong and I told her all i do is think about death. she told me i'm exactly like her. LOL! she also told me it's because i have a new baby and stay at home way to much... so i get bored and start thinking about things. she's right, i do... it always happens when i'm home alone and bored. i do need to start getting out more though.

i don't really know what causes this. maybe it's depression... maybe i need medication, or maybe it's because i've had to deal with a lot of deaths/illnesses in my family in the past few years.

i feel better just venting.

Alex, I can't really help you... I just want you to know you are not alone.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## peekaboo (Feb 21, 2007)

Perfectmistake, I feel the exact same way sometimes, lately more so, especially when I lost my grandfather. I really don't have good advice on how to deal with it because I am a worrier as well but I try and divert my feelings by keeping myself busy because it is those times when i have my thoughts to myself that it happens the most. You are most def not alone in this. Take care!


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## jennycateyez (Feb 21, 2007)

i think that happen to be about twice after i had my daughter. i was thinking how her life will be without me and i started crying.


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## Bea (Feb 21, 2007)

So sorry to hear you had an experience like that! I used to freak out over the thought of dying too, but somehow now I'm ok with it. I still feel pain at the thought of loosing a loved one, but that is natural of course. I think about death as a natural oppsite to life. I don't think living forever would be good. It's like this philosopher said; without having been sick, we couldn't fully appreciate being well (when you are sick you think about how great it is to be well, but when you are well you don't really think about it...). There is a flip side to everything, and one exists only because of the other-it's opposite. Our lives would not be the same, have the same "value" and preciousness without death. We know life only with that outcome. That is how you appreciate it, think about it, live it. Any other way and it would not be the same. Enjoy every day and concentrate on living a full life. Leave your mark on the world, on your family and friends and make a contribution you can be proud of. This is the way in which you can live forever


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## Saje (Feb 21, 2007)

Hugs to you. Do not worry as we all get feelings like that. Try not to get too bummed out about it and just know that you've lived your life to how you want it.


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## lynnda (Feb 21, 2007)

I am sooo sorry you were so sad... I feel that way at times especially if I have a argument with a friend or family member.....I get afraid that one of us would die or something before things are patched up. That is why I tend to always say I am sorry (even when I prolly shouldn't)!


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## veilchen (Feb 22, 2007)

I've experienced this too, just not with regard to myself but my family - thinking I would die too because of sadness if any of them left me. It was right after my uncle died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. I was still living at home and every night, before I went to bed, I went to my parents' room to listen whether they were still breathing. And at night, when I would wake up randomly, I found myself listening and anxiously waiting for some noise like a snore or a cough to see that nothing had happened. It was an awful time and I was so afraid of losing the ones I loved, I cried continously and would sob until I was so exhausted I could hardly breathe anymore. But the feeling began to subside again after a year, and although I still have such phases, it has never been so awful again.

You're not alone!


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Feb 23, 2007)

Ive had thoughts like that before as well. Ive thought about my mom n dad and my brother and then if I ever lost Quentin. Oh geez I dont know what I would do.


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## speerrituall1 (Feb 24, 2007)

I experience this a lot because I come from a small family and was diagnosed with a serious illness last fall. I'm an only child and I have one child. My Mom is now in her 70's and this freaks me out. I've asked my son "What would you do if I died tonight," I always worry about him being left alone. Thank goodness the good Lord finds something else for me to focus on and keeps me living.


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## StrangerNMist (Feb 24, 2007)

I would like to share with you my experience of death. Maybe it'll help me (and you) get over our fears...

Death was not something that I really didn't think about until after having the experience of watching my grandmother pass away before my eyes. It was the loneliest, most devestating experience I could ever have, and it has affected me in ways that I cannot possibly imagine.

It was just her and me. I had been taking care of her for the past couple of months or so. She had a severe kidney infection, and one of the symptoms is having a severe numbness in the legs and constant falling. She also had a slightly enlarged heart, which also didn't help matters. She had called my mom that night while me and her were her sister Mary were at Wal-Mart, and said she wasn't feeling very good. We got there, and she said she was feeling better and gave my mom ten dollars to go get her some McD's. (My mom still has that ten dollars.)

She started turning red, and said her chest felt very tight. She started getting worried, because she said things were going black and that she couldn't see.

Her very last words still ring in my head... "I'm going with Grandpa," and before I knew it, her body fell back into the easy chair and she was gone. Just writing about it now is making me very, very tense. I remember how scared I was...

I walked around in a state of shock. I remember begging the operator to not get off the phone, because I was scared. I even left the house, banging on my parents door, forgetting that they had gone. I tried to ressatate (spelling, sorry) her, but nothing happened. The paramedics said that they had gotten her back for awhile, but they weren't sure how long she would last. I remember pacing the driveway praying, and watching my mother's face turn as white as a freakin' sheet... Even my father was a whiter shade of pale. After arriving at the hospital, we learned she was D.O.A.

After the initial shock, the reality of the situation struck, which left me with a crying jag that last for at least a couple of days. (Even to this day I can't utter her name, or even pray about her (or my grandfather) without sitting in a puddle...) I still think that if I hadn't wussed out, and gotten her on the floor that I could have saved her. I still think that I could have done some more breath to breath, something...

That night, death became a very real thing to me, and it frightened me more than anything. It was something I dreamt about on a pretty much daily basis.

It was a thought that I confronted on an almost daily basis, and it's a thought that has sent me to the hospital so many times that I can't count any of the visits on both hands. It left me with an extreme paranoia about the health of others, and just a cough from someone will send me running to the phone to dial 911...

If there's one thing that kept me from completely breaking down, it was knowing that she had led a full life, and had loved and had given love in return.

The knowlege that she turned down a life in a convent so she could have my mother, who in turn could have me.

It took realizing that I am a living, breathing part of her.

The best blessing of all is that God allowed me to have her in my life, no matter how long or how brief.

The fact that she's not feeling any pain anymore, and that she's with her husband and her two boys also gives me great comfort.

I have to stop now because I'm in tears and shaking pretty badly, but I hope this helps. I know it's a bit gritty, but that's how I view it. I apologize if it's jumbled...


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## claire20a (Feb 24, 2007)

Sorry to hear you were feeling sad Alex - big :hugss: for you! It's clear that you're not alone with this, and in fact most things that people fear boil down to a fear of dying.

I think Bea made some really good points:

This is also summed up really well by Brad Pitt as Achillies in Troy (believe it or not) when he says:

"I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again".

Hope you feel better soon :hugss:


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## MissMissy (Feb 24, 2007)

dont feel bad. I used to do that all the time. no i do it over the ones i love


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## pinkbundles (Feb 25, 2007)

Well, I don't want to live forever, but I want to live as long as I'm healthy (physically and mentally) and able to enjoy life for as long as I can. And then I want to die peacefully in my sleep.

Hope you are better Alex.


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## mmonroemaniac (Mar 4, 2007)

yeah, i get like this and it freaks me out. always at bedtime, i have to listen to my ipod or i will start thinking about it, it really scares me, its like a panic attack thing, i go all dizzy and think about it and get scared, and frightend... im going to the doctors because of it, among other things, like constantly being on the verge of tears, not sleeping, no confidence, etc  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## LilDee (Mar 5, 2007)

wow, thanks for posting this, it must've been hard to write this on here!

I'm scared of it often too.. and in a way it's comforting to know that i'm not alone. The advice and things you girls are posting are really helpfull.


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## Loreal (Mar 8, 2007)

Yeah, I guess the thought of dying is pretty scary-ish, but just think how amazing, if you are saved, heaven is going to be!! If you think that Earth is great, multiply that times a bazillion!! God's awesome.


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## han (Mar 8, 2007)

i dont want to live forever.. but i would like to be around long enough to raise my kids and know that they will be ok when im gone. tomorrow isnt promise to anyone and if it would put your mind at ease you can plan if something should happen, like buy life insurance for your kids and draw up a will with your wishes and whom you would like to raise them.


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