# I need some advice PLEASE!!



## Beautyfocus (Sep 4, 2008)

Get a drink. This might be a bit long. In advance I would like to apologize.

I am going crazy and I am in desperate need of some type of advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When he met me I was a model.

It was going pretty well for me. I was 17 yrs old and he was my first boyfriend. At the beginning he was nice and sweet. we couldn't get enough of each other. He started "kindly" telling me to leave the modeling industry. He didn't want to travel and leave him. I found it adorable and being that I wanted to be with 24/7, I did it. I quit modeling. Then when I'd go out with a friend or alone to get a pizza or shop, He'd get upset. I had to call him every time before I went out. As months went by I was more in love with him and I was doing everything he wanted me to. I wasn't dressing the way I wanted. I cut all my friends. Everything I did was just with him. So yrs and yrs go by and still the same thing...We were arguing every day, I was arguing with mom because of him. She didn't want him, but I did. I cried every day. I got anonymous phone that he was cheating on me. I never got proof. we broke up constantly. We have managed to stay this long by breaking up on and off.

So anyway I am now 26 yrs old and I am fed up. I'm not even sure if I love him anymore. Maybe I am just use to him?? I don't know. I want to go out. I want to have my friends back. He is too selfish. He wants me to do everything with him. I don't have a life of my own. I am tired of my life revolving around his. December I went out behind his back to my Christmas company party. Little did I know He had someone take pictures of me and then he found my Myspace, which he did not know about. Why? Because he would get upset. He doesn't even know I am part of Makeup talk.

Anyway, I didn't do anything wrong at the party just hung out with friends and had two drinks. It felt so good to be free and not stay home wondering if it would have been fun or not. I then had to delete my Myspace.

He forgave me, but threw it on my face EVERY SINGLE DAY. I CRIED SO MANY TIMES...WHy? I don't know. I didn't anything wrong right? It's not like I could go to him and tell him where I was going. Time went by and I was still going out behind his back, like shopping, going to friends houses to do their hair and makeup, photoshoots, lunch with friends and went to see Sex and the city movie with my cousin and my friend. He was soo mad. He said friends told him a penis was shown and I couldn't go see it. (BTW I am not allowed to watch sex &amp; the city) Did I listen? NO. I went. So I heard it from him for about 2 wks when he found out.

So anyway in JUNE 2008 I decided to do another Myspace.

Everything was cool until now....As most of you know my birthday passed about 4 days ago. I decided to celebrate it with all my girlfriends. Just make it a girls night. Of course I didn't tell him. He'd freak!

Today I posted my pictures on Myspace.

AND today he calls me and asks me, Hey what are you doing? I say watching TV. He's like Maya, why have you been lying to me? I said I don't know what you're talking about. He tells me Maya I know you went out for your birthday. I saw the picture. And You're nothing but a lie. You want to live your life with your loser friends. He pretty much starts disrespecting me. I got soo mad. And I started yelling and cursing at him.

I pretty much said I don't give a FK what you think of me? I am tired of living the life you want me to live! You are miserable. Stop stalking me!

You are obsessed with me! You are not in love with me! I hung on him and have not spoken since.

My mom tells me part of it ITS my fault because I let him control me from the beginning. I know shes right about that. But I was young and didn't know any better. She also thinks I need to let him ago because he is obsessed and it wont lead to any good. If he hasn't changed in 8 years he wont ever change. Shes afraid it can lead to something more serious.

So now I ask you....What should I do? Should I move on from him? Is this healthy for me? Should I even delete my Myspace again? Help...

AGain im sorry. I know its soo long.


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## Ashley (Sep 4, 2008)

I think he's incredible overbearing and controlling. If you want to go out with your friends, you should be able to do so. Why is it wrong to go out with your friends for your birthday? I think it's terrible that you were forced to hide that from him.

In relationships like this one, I don't think the controlling person ever changes, to be honest. If you stay with this guy, you won't be happy and you'll never be able to do what you want to do openly.

You deserve so much more than him, Maya!


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## internetchick (Sep 4, 2008)

Don't delete your MySpace. Get out of your abusive relationship. That IS abuse.


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## daer0n (Sep 4, 2008)

You know, i think a controlling person like him doesn't know what love really is. And he isnt your dad for him to be telling you what to do, who to hang out with or what to watch. You are a grown woman, and you should be free to do whatever you want, hang out with friends and watch whatever you enjoy watching. WTH? maybe he is stuck thinking that you are still young and naive, and you'll do whatever he tells you to do.

If you aren't sure about loving him anymore, i think you should spend more time with yourself and think of it while you have some time on your own, it will help you clear up your mind and decide what to do. I'd leave him, personally. But it is completely up to you to decide if you want to spend your whole life with a person that will control every single aspect of 'your life', and be a possesive b*stard, now imagine how it would be if you both got married? Things wouldn't get any better. So think about it, give yourself some space, and decide..

I hope you get the issue sorted out Maya, best of luck! *hugs*


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## michixboo (Sep 4, 2008)

From what I've seen, your a sweet and amazing person

(with a great sense of style =) )

A guy like him doesn't deserve you. Being involved in a

long term relationship, one sometimes need to ask themselves

if they are truly in love or if they are just comfortable or

scared of being alone? You've missed out on 8 years that

you could have spent with your closest friends creating

unforgettable memories, but instead went through a hard

situation which you should step away from. Just take this

as a long learning experience. You will find someone that will

love you and support you whether it be modeling or whatever

your goals or interests are. I wish you the best.

I know you don't know me but I'm always down for talking

so you could always message me or whatever whenever. =)

Let us know what you decide.

Take care.

; xo


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## Anthea (Sep 4, 2008)

I agree with the above comments. I doubt this person has the ability to change and by the sounds of it and he does not think he is saying or doing anything wrong. Its up to you if you want to live like this the rest of your life. Personally I wouldn't.

Good luck, hope it works out and keep us posted.


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## xtiffanyx (Sep 4, 2008)

I'd say leave him...if not at least have some time on your own to figure out if you really want to stay in the relationship. I know it's much easier said than done since there is such an attachment when you're with someone for so long. I'm sure you'd be upset to be completely away from and without someone you've been with for so long, but that sadness will eventually go away. Since he hasn't changed in all of those 8 years, chances are your misery won't go away as long as you stay in the relationship. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't be able to enjoy a girls night out or have a life outside him.

I know many try to look past the faults of their loved ones, but this really isn't justifiable. I mean is there really enough good in the relationship to make up for the bad? I hope whatever you choose to do works out well for you and you can enjoy a fun misery free life



.


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## prettylynn (Sep 4, 2008)

First of all I think you should NOT have anymore contact with him at all. NONE. Yes you should move on and NO its not healthy. Its not right nor is it ever right for anyone to tell you what to do. Your mother is right about it possibly turning out worse and she has every right to be worried about you. She is right. Abuse escalades and can possibly lead to death. Im sure you are aware of that but dont be another statistic get out while you still can. Im sorry you had to go threw this but dont do it anymore. Your still young and can find out what real love is with a real man who wont control you and let you be yourself without censorship.


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## Beautyfocus (Sep 4, 2008)

Thank you soooo much you guys...It means a lot that you took some time to read my long post. Funny you say that Internet Chick, because my mom said the same thing.

She said its abuse. Every one tells me I am good at giving advice. I just cant apply it to myself. Deep down I know hes no good. and If did marry it'd be hell for me.

I bought the sex &amp; the city season set. And he doesnt know I have it. When we watch a movie and theres a sex scene, he wants me to cover my eyes. I saw the Borat which in my opinion was Hilarious, he told me he was disgusted by me because I saw that movie.

This is ridiculous. and all of you are right. AGAIN THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!! I WISH I COULD HUG ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW!! LOL....XOXOXOXO


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## Adrienne (Sep 4, 2008)

This is abuse!!! It's emotional and mental abuse. Just because it doesn't leave a physically it doesn't mean it isn't! I myself have gone through this as have other MUT'ers. I'm married and things are okay now but i know exactly how you feel.

It's SUFFOCATING. It's like living in a prison with no bars. You know your boundaries and know exactly how to act and how to behave in front of him just you don't have to deal with it. I've only been with my husband for a bout 5 years but right off from the beginning I was just like you, I knew he had a problem but I still fell for him at 16 and I got pregnant a year later. It's a pattern that's hard to break off from and I'm still struggling but I'm getting stronger. In your situation I would break free immediately and stay with you parents for awhile or with a friend as it seems that he is constantly stalking you. I'm sure he can check your computer somehow or has a tracking on it.

My husband has not gotten to level, yet bc he has never stalked me but your situation seems so much worse. I wish you the best of luck.

Here's one of my own threads that explains a little of how my husband is:

https://forum.makeuptalk.com/f11...ore-82542.html


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## -Chelsey- (Sep 4, 2008)

I agree with the others..just ask yourself this..do you want to live the rest of your life like this? lying and doing things behind his back and him trying to control you. Can you have kids with this guy? Marriage? Do you see yourself with him for the next 5, 10, 20 years?

You need your own life outside of your relationship, you need your friends.


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## magneticheart (Sep 4, 2008)

I agree with what everyone else has said.

At the end of the day it's YOUR life and no one else has any right at all to determine how you live it. Why should you feel like you're restricted by him? What he's doing is mental abuse. He's controlled you for so long and I think you're finally realising that he's no good.

You deserve so much better sweetie!


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## Nick007 (Sep 4, 2008)

Get out! It will only get worse. Your still young and you should be able to enjoy life. It's your life to live, not his.


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## Tornwonderland (Sep 4, 2008)

Leave him girl! You will never be happy with a partner that is emotionally unstable &amp; miserable. Trust me, once you find someone who puts good karma out into the world and truly LOVES you like a princess, you will find that your heart leaps and bounds with happiness all the time!


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## Dragonfly (Sep 4, 2008)

I suspect that you really don't want to leave him at all. You just want to be happy.

Problem is, he is emotionally abusing you and as a result, your relationship will always be dysfunctional and unhappy.

When/ if you want to get away from your boyfriend, I would advise that you contact a women's shelter and inquire if they offer courses or programs that help women start over.


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## Lucy (Sep 4, 2008)

i speak as someone who has suffered in a similar relationship- it is abuse, and if you stay you won't be even half as stronger person as you are now. please, reconsider your relationship with this man, it doesn't sound like he is good for you at all!


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## pinksugar (Sep 4, 2008)

I agree, he sounds abusive and controlling. Even if you choose to stay with him, I do think at the very least you need some time apart to consider your options and really question what you want out of this relationship, and whether he is in a position to give it to you.

Sweetie, no one deserves to be constantly told that he is disgusted with them, that they have loser friends etc.

You're a sweet person and you deserve much better than this! keep us updated and I hope everything goes ok.

:hugs:


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## Beautyfocus (Sep 5, 2008)

Keeping you guys updated...So far I have not heard from him.

And I still have my Myspace. I showed my mom everything you guys wrote to me and she started tearing. She said you see, everything I tell you is because I care about you. I felt so bad. AGAIN...thanks so much you guys. I can feel myself getting stronger. XOXO


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## La_Mari (Sep 5, 2008)

I hope you are able to move on



It's weird getting used to something that you haven't had in years... but what kind of person that is supposed to care about you wants you to be scared of them?


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## Lucy (Sep 5, 2008)

it is hard to adapt to such a change, i'm glad you have your mum there to help you through this. i hope you get on alright and we're all here to help if you need any more advice!!


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## Beautyfocus (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks finger and la mari!!


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## CellyCell (Sep 6, 2008)

Wow, I'm pretty shocked he wouldn't let you watch a sex scene and you're a grown woman already. That's beyond jealousy - that's like, psychotic/controlling behavior lol. Seriously. I'm glad you told him off and kept the Myspaz.

My friend had gone through that and she was with her guy for 10 years. Biggest loser ever - there was just no trust whatsoever in that relationship, which I think is so important because one needs their own space in order to stay sane, ya know? She's moved on and that huge hurdle - I see the change in her for the better, like she realizes her worth. But she's more extreme in the sense that she dates losers still but at least each one is a step up from the previous.

You ought to definitely re-evaluate what you want and you're way too young to be put in that type of pedestal and not enjoy simple things like going to the movies or even modeling! That's a lot to sacrifice and for him to do so is abusive, because he's belittling you and making you into a prude and not letting you enjoy life, dude! You'd be miserable, for reals. You're gorgeous - I'm sure you'd find another guy totally worth your time.


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## Sunshine80 (Sep 6, 2008)

*Maya everyone here has given great advice! This wasnt a healthy relationship at all and will never be, he is sick and is making your life miserable, please dont waste your youth with a loser like him, you are gorgeous and deserve better.*

*I too am shocked about the sex scenes! that is a BIG red flag that something is wrong with him!*

*If necessary get a restraining order against him because he seems like a guy that you wont get rid of very easily.*

*Stay strong, you deserve a healthy relationship



*


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## civicbabe627 (Sep 6, 2008)

WOW girl! I may be getting to this post a little late, but I agree with everyone else! That is totally NOT cool at all! I know it's hard to leave someone that you've been with for so long, but you have to do it for yourself! He is completely controlling your life and that is absolutely ridiculous! You should be able to enjoy life, and go out with your friends if you want to. He shouldn't get upset at you for wanting to have fun without him! And if you have to sneak around just so he doesn't find out, GEEZ!

If you feel like you don't love him anymore (which the reason is obvious, and totally understandable) then get rid of him!

You totally deserve WAY better than him girl!





Keep us all updated! I wish you the best!


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## Beautyfocus (Sep 6, 2008)

Sunshine, Civicbabe and Celly...Thank you so much!

I haven't heard from him at all. I'm kinda relieved.

I feel free...like Nelly Furtado...FLY LIKE A BIRD&gt;&gt;&gt;LOL&gt;&gt;Small Joke.

No but really. It feels to be able to run errands and go with friends without having to checking every 30 minutes. And you guys have made this a lot easier for me.


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## bC_0614 (Sep 6, 2008)

This is coming from someone who doesn't have much experiance in relationships but i can honestly say nothing was good was coming out of urs! I can't see how u can live like thatt for so long...but then again i might have done the same thing...idk. point is that it could've gotten ALOT worse as in physical abuse (eventhough it seemed what he was doing was already abusive) and good for you for ending it while you culd. Maybe at first it seemed good but it seemed took a turn for the worse, and if that ever happens with anyone, u shuld leave because u deserve better! Theres someone waaaaaaaayy better probably in ur future anyway lol


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## Beautyfocus (Sep 8, 2008)

Hey guys! I'm BAAACK!!

So just as I suspected. My ex called me tonight.

He is begging me to take him back. I told him exactly how I feel.

I wasn't afraid to let it all out. It felt good. He agreed with everything I said.

I told him he forced me to lie to him. He said I was right and that he is a complete idiot and is willing to change because he loves me with all his heart. That I'm his life and without me he is not complete..

So basically hes asked me to take him back and I don't know what to do? I was doing pretty good these last couple of days. Also my mom is not too thrilled...Please help!


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## Ashley (Sep 8, 2008)

Maya, I think you'll be happier without him. Guys like this don't change their ways so easily.


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## Sunshine80 (Sep 8, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Beautyfocus* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I was doing pretty good these last couple of days. Maya you just answered your question, you dont fell good and are not yourself when you are with him because he forces you to be who he wants you to be. I really hope you take the right decision...HUGS


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## cherryblossom13 (Sep 8, 2008)

I agree with everyone. Get out! I know it's hard, but if will start to tear you down. It is abuse. He has no right to controll you're life like that. You know, if not when you are older, you will regret having to miss out on stuff in your 20's.

Most of the time, guys like that can't change. It's to much work to even try to change them.

He shouldn't be making you cry! That's not healthy relationship.

Please keep us updated! I hope everything works out for you.

Do what YOU want in life!


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## Johnnie (Sep 8, 2008)

He's not gonna change. Just let him go.


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## Adrienne (Sep 8, 2008)

Look how much better you felt in the past couple of days. Read all these post all over again! Do you really want to go through this again a couple months down the road? Change doesn't come easily and the only way he'll change is if he wants to which is something he has to do on his own, not just to please you. If you change for someone other than yourself, all you're really doing is hiding the real you underneath and he can't play that for the rest of his life. He'll eventually just back to his old ways.


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## prettylynn (Sep 8, 2008)

NO NO NO! This is exaxtly how the cycle goes. Then comes the honeymoon phase before you know it, it will be back exactly the same if not worse then before. You are such a pretty girl and abuse can get bad and he can ruin your looks just so you cant have anyone else. DONT get back with him!! You are doing good without him and are miserable with him the answer is pretty clear and easy to me.

I think you need to seriously look at some dosmestic abuse websites and read some womens stories and then I think you will have no problem telling him your answer and sticking to it. Like I said in my last post- it can/will escalate and can lead to death. You seriously think about what that will do to you and the ones who really love you.If he really loved you he would not have treated you like that in the first place. There are many guys out there that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.


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## bC_0614 (Sep 9, 2008)

Not listening to everyone here would just be doing yourself an injustice!!!! I mean like eveyone else said it'll be the same old stuff all over again, as much as he says he'll change and what not. Don't give him your sympathy and fall for his trap.


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## Jordan0326 (Sep 9, 2008)

Maya, My situation is very similiar to yours. I spent 8 years in a controlling &amp; verbally abusive relationship myself and it did eventually turn phsycial....

Be careful..... sooner or later he may put his hands on u ....


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## brewgrl (Sep 9, 2008)

OMG... you have had 9 years of your life controlled by a single person... your mother only fears for you... your friends do... YOU DO (or else you would never lie about having a normal life).

take back your life, take back your control... and maybe, and I am only saying this because very controlling people do not know how to take no for an answer, maybe, get a restraining order.

give yourself some breathing room. and when you are unsure or freaked out, take comfort in friends and family... people who only want what best for you, not someone who just wants for himself.

like in that movie Last Kiss-

"Every A-hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing... What you feel only matters to you. It is what you do to the people you love; that's what matters."

and what he does to you makes you is not right.


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## AimeeCD (Sep 9, 2008)

As hard as it seems right now, it will only get worse. You don't deserve a creep like this...move on. There are so many more guys that would love to have a g/f like you. He suffers from a lack of self-confidence and you have it...life's too short not to enjoy it.


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## pinksugar (Sep 9, 2008)

I agree. He won't change. However much he says he wants to I don't think he will.

Why put yourself through all of this again? I wouldn't want to look back another 3 or 4 years from now and realise I'd put up with someone who is much less than I deserve, and who is treating me badly...

Only you know your own relationship, and only you can make this decision but i would think long and hard before I allowed myself to be hurt like that again.

I have been in a similar situation also, and they just DONT CHANGE. Best wishes hun, hope it all works out!


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## dixiewolf (Sep 9, 2008)

My fiance' and I have been together almost 7 years, and I remember he had a problem with me seeing certain movies, and now he laughs about it b/c he thinks he was so ridiculous he was acting like that (he's over acting like that now.). I cant imagine him getting mad if I went out with friends, I used to more early in the relationship b/c I am 6 years younger and was still interested in stuff my old college buddies were doing (like clubs). He was past that stage as I am now b/c (I'm 30 and clubs are boring to me now. I rarely drink now too. I even went to a get together by myself with his friends (he was out of town so couldnt go) and a guy that went had a huge crush had me and my boyfriend knew it, it was obvious. But he trusted me, and should have, b/c I wasnt going to do anything. He goes to movies and even theme parks by himself or with a guy that lives in Tampa, (I dont like scary rides and he has annual passes so honestly I wouldnt want to go, especially as often as he goes). I sometimes get annoyed with that, just b/c he is gone from early morning to late at night, and I like to hang out with him on weekends, b/ the week is busy. We just moved close to Orlando so I think he will get tired of it someday. Trusting is the way it should be. (I like that feeling, b/c I didnt trust some guys b/c of their behavior and I think they were not honest, one guy I know wasnt, he got engaged when we were still dating, and had a baby I knew nothing until months later about, he would see the baby before he came over, when we didnt have plans, or would make stuff up) I dont have any friends in my new city yet, I go off myself without him (unemployed now, so once housework is done and playing on the internet I am bored.to shop or do women stuff like craft shows. While everything cant be rosy all the times, yes we do argue at times about stuff, but I couldnt handle it if he was possessive. You shouldnt need his permission to go out, and to the point you sneak out, and

then

he looks

up your myspace and gets angy. Since I mentioned Jim (my guy) had a problem about some stuff early on (he went to a therapist too, b/c he had some anger problems), after 8 years I dont know if your guy would change, especially since you put up with it so long (and no it's not you're fault, I have been in relationships where the guy told me how to dress, asked about numbers I put on my fridge (they were stuff like people I had job interviews with). I cried so much with 2 people, was accused of stuff, stood up, yelled at, to the end point I was crying every day. I am so much better off than with them, I had lost any self-dignity or esteem. Obviously no one can tell you what you should do, I think he isnt going to change without outside help (like therapy). And it may not work, especially if his heart isnt in it, and he thinks you will still tolerate the behavior. Other people mentioned abuse, yes, it could happen eventually (physically, you are already having emotional). I am also going to suggest to be careful if you break up forever. Some guys are so possesive they may try to hurt you if you hurt them. I have a friend that had to get a restraining order against her ex, he broke into her house and went through her computer, and confronted her about why she was using online dating services, etc. He didnt physically hurt her, and left her alone eventually, but some guys will go farther. Not trying to scare you, he could just as well leave you alone forever if you choose to end it forever. I wish you much luck in whatever you decide. I know this is longer than your post but I had a hard leaving stuff out.


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