# Help me with this one...



## tashbash (Nov 8, 2005)

Okay, my very best friend in the whole world is dating this guy and has been for about six months now, maybe longer. She has already been married once and divorced and has a son from the marriage. Problem is that the guy she is "dating" now is married and has been for about 15 years, he's a little older, and has three kids with his wife. He has been telling my friend since day one that he and his wife don't even talk and they both want a divorce. They still live in the same house together and everything. But he keeps telling my friend that it is completely over with his wife and he absolutely is in love with HER. They have gotten a lot closer and she considers them to be dating. She says they have even discussed their wedding because he says he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, still going home to his wife. He makes all kinds of excuses to sneak away to be with my friend and even has stayed the night at her house while his wife was out of town. She tells me all of this and I don't know what to say because she is my best friend and her husband caused problems between us and we didn't talk to each other for a few years because of him. So I don't want to lose her again but I don't want her to think that I approve of what she is doing. I mean, she is tearing apart someones family. She is also someone who falls in love VERY VERY easily. But I don't know if everything he tells her is true or if he is just saying this so he can have his cake and eat it too. Because my question is, if he is getting a divorce then why the hell doesn't he do it, or at least move out if he is so in love with her like he says he is. But she makes excuses for him and it drives me crazy! I also have a problem with this because my husband cheated on me once and was having a relationship with someone else for a few months. We have since worked through it and he is completely 100% changed to be more trustworthy. But I feel like because I have been on the other side of this situation, I should speak up and tell her she is doing wrong. Plus it has completely taken over her life to the point where her son is not so important to her like he should be. I mean, having this man stay the night at her house when her son is there, interacting with him. Her son called the last guy she dated, whom she broke up with to be with this guy, daddy!!!! Not to mention this guy is very wealthy so she feels like she has hit the jackpot. But I just can't get over the fact that it is someone else's husband. She always says that she knows I will always tell her the truth no matter what, that's one of the reasons she loves me so much. So should I tell her what I really think? That this guy is just blowing smoke?


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## girl_geek (Nov 9, 2005)

Yikes, that is a tough situation!

Just to echo what Charmaine said, I've read that a very small amount (like 5%) of relationships that begin with infidelity actually succeed ..... I do agree with you that your friend isn't doing the right thing here, especially if she is neglecting her son, but I don't know how you would go about telling her! In my personal experience, when I've tried to tell someone that what they were doing was wrong, it didn't go over so well (even though the person eventually ended up agreeing with me, but only after they had learned it for themselves!) -- but I maybe I just didn't go about it the right way! Sorry I don't have any better advice, but do keep us posted!


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## Liz (Nov 9, 2005)

that is a tough situation that i've been in with my best friend also. because whatever you say, she won't really listen.

i told her what she was doing was wrong and that if he's doing it with you, he'll do it to you.

if you really don't agree with what she is doing, flat out tell her that you don't agree with what she is doing and that you don't want to be a part of it, so you prefer not to talk to her about any of it.


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## cottoncandy (Nov 9, 2005)

id tell her.


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## karrieann (Nov 9, 2005)

This one hits close to home ladies because I _was _your best friend.

*_feels very horrible right now*_

I got involved with a married man. I didn't know he was married at first and by the time I did I was head over heels. He had two kids and a wife he said was an alcoholic. Was very unhappy and they weren't in love anymore. But he was staying because of the kids. Had left before and went back because of the children. I think it had a lot to do with finances too. Lots of money involved.

I enjoyed spending time with him so much. I was crazy about him. Funny because today I still wish I had him. And I broke it off two years ago. I couldn't take the guilt I had about it. That I was breaking up a family. Knowing the man I was so in love with was going home to another woman. Had a whole separate life that I was not a part of. Jesus, I went with him at Christmas time and cut down a tree for his family................................very painful and very shitty at the same time.

Tashbash, your friend, I am certain, is headed for heartbreak. The man I was with is still with his wife, for better or for worse, as they say. I had hoped that leaving him would shake him up enough to do something if he was so unhappy. Guess he wasn't that in love with me.....

You should tell her how you feel but don't expect her to listen or heed your advice. It will have to be something she decides on her own. That she is worthy of a man who is hers alone. No leftovers. No scraps. Bits here and there. Tell her that. But again, don't expect her to listen. Just be gentle and non judgemental if you don't want to lose her again. Tell her about your concern for her sons feelings and emotions.

And be prepared to pick up the pieces if this all comes crashing down around her.

p.s. I am not a bad person ladies. I just made a terrible choice. Please don't hate me now.......


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## MACGoddess (Nov 9, 2005)

I would agree with the others and to tell her how you feel. If you want to be a real friend, you need to look out for her...

I would tell her how much you love her as a friend, and that you want her to be happy, and her son to be happy and not to be hurt, BUT ___________.

Even though it might suck, and even though she might be mad at you, I think it might just kind of have to be done...


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## tashbash (Nov 9, 2005)

Oh my gosh Karrieann that is exactly what he has told her!!! That he and his wife are unhappy because his wife is crazy. And he is staying because of the kids and because he would have to pay so much in alimony and child support. Also, "supposedly" his wife cheated on him a year ago, he left and came back because it affected the kids so much!!!!:icon_roll Exactly like your situation!

Well, I appreciate all of the advice that you ladies gave me. This has been a very stressful situation for me because I love her so much and have seen her through so much heartbreak already. But I guess that I am gonna have to face it and tell her how much I love her and value our friendship, but tell her how I really feel about the situation and how I see it, being an outsider. She is coming up to Springfield on Friday (she lives back in Oklahoma where I used to live). We are going to go out to dinner and have a girls night so I guess there is no better time to talk then that. Please say a little prayer for me and I will definately let you ladies know how it goes. I just hope I can do it in a way that it comes out good.

And Karrieann, thank you so much for sharing your story. Believe me, I admire you for realizing how wrong it was and distancing yourself from that.:clap I completely understand how you still have feelings for him because from watching my friend, she too is head over heels. She thinks of this guy as someone who is too good for her and she is amazed that someone as handsome and successful as he is, actually "loves" her. As you can see, she has very low self esteem. But thanks guys for your help. I knew I could come to you guys for some good advice!:icon_love


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## karrieann (Nov 10, 2005)

Thank you for being so kind tashie. It's a tough thing to admit. I am not proud of it and I still am paying the price for my unwise decision to this day.

A lot of what you added above rings true to me as well. Geez. It's so crazy!

My thoughts will certainly be with you on Friday. You are a very good friend.

:icon_love:icon_love:icon_love

Let us know how it goes.


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## tashbash (Nov 11, 2005)

Okay so my friend decided not to come up here today because she had too many things to do at work today. So I guess all that courage I built up will be put to use over the phone instead. AAAArrrgghhh!


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## MacForMe (Nov 16, 2005)

Oh god...

OK, now, i am going to say this which is against everyone else's advice. You can tell her until you're blue in the face, the cows come home, the kitchen sinks and the butter flies, but she is NOT going to listen to you. She will subconsciously call you jealous or trying to ruin her happiness.. Sometimes, its the hardest thing to do is keep our yaps shut. IF he's telling the truth. IF IF IF .. and you speak up and she listens, and feels bad about it, it will be 'your fault'. I know this is against everything you feel. But she's gonna NEED you big time. AND.. on another note.. if you tell her its wrong, she will be more pressed to run to him for support as well as attempt to convince YOU its right..

I know its not easy.. but i know shes' gonna need you when this blows up.. and i am sure it will... hang in there.


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## babykisses (Nov 16, 2005)

In the end your friend will do ultimately what she wants to do, even if you tell her you don't approve. I can see why the situation disturbs you, but you have to let you friend make her own descisions in life even if she's making a big mistake!


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## tashbash (Nov 16, 2005)

Well, I have been talking about this with another one of our close friends. We decided that no matter what we say or how many times we tell her that she is getting played, she won't listen and is gonna follow through with it anyway. She is just gonna have to do it on her own and get hurt before she will realize the truth.

We went through this before with her. The three of us girls were extremely close and we all met these guys from Springfield, (one of them is my husband now). Anyway, we all three moved up here during our second year of college and made a life up here. She (my friend Chris, the one in the situation now) was dating one of my husband's friends and cheated on him with this random guy that she had met. My husband's friend treated her like a queen but she said he wouldn't fight back with her so he wasn't interesting enough. Anyway, this new guy and her started becoming very close. He wouldn't let her talk to her friends anymore and was EXTREMELY controlling. So me and our other friend tried to talk to her about this many, many times, like you said until we were blue in the face. She wouldn't listen. She was supposed to be my maid of honor at my wedding and I didn't hear from her until my drive to the church and she called me to tell me that they wouldn't be able to make it because he wouldn't let her come because there would be other guys there! So needless to say, that was the day she and I quit talking. She ended up getting pregnant by him and they got married. At this point we had no contact with her at all. He eventually became abusive to her and her family ended up driving up one night and moving her and the baby back to Oklahoma. So she divorced him and now says that was the biggest mistake of her life, not listening to us. We eventually started talking again because our mom's kept arranging little situations to get us to talk to each other. We soon realized the closeness we have and became best friends again instantly.

Now you kind of understand the frustration I have with this new situation. It's like that previous relationship all over again. But I just decided that I am gonna keep my mouth shut and let her find out for herself and just be that soft place to fall when it all comes crashing down. I am already starting to see signs of this again. She is making this new guy her entire life! It drives me nutty! But I guess she is gonna have to find out for herself. Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to give you guys a little background so you would better understand the situation.


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## MacForMe (Nov 16, 2005)

Its so hard to watch friends make mistakes. I know my friends saw me do it, and i have seen them also. Its hard, because sometimes what we think are mistakes, can be a sum of our own thoughts and opinions. But like i said, be the friend when she needs you. Thats really the best you can do.. And you have use to vent too also!

Let us know how it goes.


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