# I need advice, help, someone to listen.



## Roshni Diya (Aug 12, 2010)

This is about what i'd written in my post "love is not all you need".

I go from normal to completely angry and distant. I wake up in the night screaming and trying to leave the room, with my mum pulling me back. I have constant nightmares and i have seen things, ghosts and faces, in the last few weeks.

Not because of the reasons that others think is causing me to be this way. It's because of him. I can't forget him. My heart aches when i remember what we were. This was my favourite time of year with him but it's also the time that brings back so many bittersweet memories... i wish he'd never left.

Last nights dream was different. We were joking and laughing like we used to... i thought it was real. I thought i'd been given a second chance with him and my heart was happy again. Then he got angry. "You knew the only way we could have been together was if you ran away, so why didn't you?!"... silence. I woke up.

Tears...

It has been months since i last saw, heard, or talked to him. I just can't forget him. No one knows that i never could forget him.

No one knows why i don't look at boys, why i show no interest in marriage or why i am so cynical. No one knows how bad i am feeling every time i am laughing. No one knows the stories behind my art, my words. They saw, and felt the darkness, yet not the sorrow, which i keep hidden so cunningly. Sometimes i hope someone notices, yet sometimes i hope no one figures out that this one boy has kept me crazy for so long. A tribute of my love to him, yet no one must know. No one must know that i had loved him every morning, every night even after we seperated.

Expressing myself with art keeps me alive. I paint my sorrow, i colour my despair. And yet for all those years i wrote pages about he and i, and our happiness, i cannot yet bring myself to write again. I fear that if i dig that deep i won't be able to take it and i will lose myself. I will lose control, once again.

Now art is not enough. I am so tired, so empty. Every single day is a battle, and at the end of it i don't feel i've succeeded in anything. In bed, back to memories of he and i flashing in my head.

While i wish more than anything that i could just forget him, nothing scares me more than the thought of forgetting everything that we had. While i'm scared to death of seeing him somewhere, i want to see him more than anything in the world.

Everything has changed. I pray to God that he is safe and happy, but then i remember how i begged God not to take him away from me the night before he did. I've lost my faith. Everything i believed, i believe no more. A once thankful, faithful girl prays no more. Hope kept me going. Hope is but despair delayed. Every 11:11 that i see on the clock, i whisper, please come back. I cannot but hope and dream that he will come back. But i know... i know he won't.

More tears. I can't think about him without weeping. Through the day i try to keep him off my mind. Oh, how i try. I volunteer at a Hospice. I am applying to work in a Care Home and to mentor disabled children. I am applying for universities and writing my personal statement. I'm reading books, going out, and trying my best to make friends.

But everything that i see, hear, smell, every thought leads me back to him. And then it aches, it aches so much. I look for him in everyone i meet. I look for beauty in the world, but every beautiful thing reminds me of him. Always, i will look up into the sky and wonder if he is looking at that same sky. If he is remembering me, missing me. The smallest and most insignificant thing will get my heart racing and i'll have to try to hold back my tears. But no one knows. I am trying so, so hard.

I want to lash out at others when really i'm angry at him for leaving me. But i can't talk about it. No. Because no one knew him like i did, and it hurts all the more when others make judgments about him. I know that he was not cold, and i knew that he loved me with all of his heart. He had often said to me that if he were to leave, then maybe i'd find someone better. Maybe i could have my family back, if he were to leave. If he left then things would be better for me. At times he sounded so convinced that he was ruining my life. Oh how i tried. But he never did know how much i loved him.

No one does.

People can shrug it off and say that i'll find someone new. That i should move on and stop being so cynical. But nobody really cares, and nobody really knows the extent of things. This is nothing. I have so much to say, so much to tell, but the words are yet too painful. No friends, no family. They say that everything happens for a reason, but does it really? How can you know that for sure? Long years of loving one person day in and day out, and then they're suddenly gone for no good reason. Gone from your life forever. They all say that time heals, but does it really? Can you forget the way you gave your entire heart, life and self to someone, or do you just learn to live with their absence? The pain i feel is not decreasing in its intensity as days go by. I am the one left with the memories, and the regrets, and the heartache.

I am so tired now.

So used to crying.

If there is anything that anyone can suggest to me, to even make things a little bit easier, i would be so grateful. Remember that i cannot mention these feelings to my mum because i do not want to remind her of what i did. I don't want her to hate me again. I am alone in this, but if there's anything i could do to help myself, i would. I hope my sorrow will end. I hope soon.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2010)

You know what hun, here is the ONLY thing I can tell you, if he loves you as much as you love him, if he misses you as much as you miss him, if he is hurting as much as you are hurting, I can guarantee you that he would have come back months ago. But he hasn't, he hasn't bother to try to talk to you or even give you a call to see how you are doing, then trust me, I don't want to sound harsh cause that will probably make you cry again, but I have to be honest, he does NOT love you as much as you love him. I know exactly how you feel, I have felt that way before, I can feel your heart aching, in fact I haven't completely gotten over my 3rd ex boyfriend, I know that he is my one true love, chances are I will never be able to get over him (because you don't when you truly deeply love someone) but what is there to do? the day that we separated, I had this hope that someday we will be together again, its been over 2 years now, guess wut? I haven't heard from him, because I learn that he doesn't miss me or love me. He has moved on, and now I know that I have to move on as well. Because in life, you don't always get everything you want.


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## divadoll (Aug 13, 2010)

I definitely second that! We've all been thru this, it's hard everytime but we still stand and we still love and we are still alive so we get over it in time. I still think about those that I've had relationships with, its not like you can erase them from your memory. They are part of your life's experiences. Like the old saying goes...time heals all wounds, even those of the heart. If it were meant to be then he would have returned the love and returned to you, but he didn't and he'll move on just as you will. You don't know what is around the corner and what great love is ahead of you. There will be another, you are young and you have lots to offer.

Dust yourself off and pick yourself up. Take some time to get heal, then start seeing your friends and have some fun. Get to love yourself again because why should your life be defined by 1 man? You should define your own life and make your own life. It may feel like your world has ended but it hasn't. I'm sure when you are ready, you will know that too. I'm sure those that sound like I do know, you may think are being so cavalier with your feelings, we are not. I know how it feels, I've been there too. If I didn't get over my first broken hearted love, I would not have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful life now because they aren't because of that one guy!

Take care. We are here for you.


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## Ingrid (Aug 13, 2010)

Originally Posted by *divadoll* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Get to love yourself again because why should your life be defined by 1 man? This is extremely true. I used to think that without this man in my life, all my happiness and meaning would be gone, but it really isn't the case. When you get into more relationship in the future, you will be surprised how amazing those men can make you feel and how happy you can be with another person as well. Except that sometimes you find your Mr. right sooner sometimes possibly later.


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## Shanki (Aug 13, 2010)

Yeah everyone of us has been through this at some point or another. I know the pain, and to be honest with you and not to sound harsh, there's nothing anyone can do or tell you that will make you feel better inside. Time is the only thing to heal the wounds. You need to focus yourself other places, and do what you need to do in life. Time is on your side and eventually it will fade into a distant memory. Sometimes heartbreak is the worst pain ever known, but without expericing it, you would never have had the chance to experience love.


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## Roshni Diya (Aug 14, 2010)

I hate what you're saying. And i don't want to accept it. I know it hasn't been THAT long, but the days are dragging on so slowy, it feels like it's been forever. And my heart still hurts so much. So when people say that time will eventually heal me, i just think, how much longer of this misery? It doesn't provide any consolation, just makes me realise that years could go by and i'll still be hurting somewhat. Tiring. It's difficult... but i know you're right. It's hard to think that you may never completely get over someone. I never wanted that to be me, and i don't understand the reason for it, but i suppose, there's nothing i can do about it.

As for friends... i'm realising now how crap my friends are. I never really had many, just a couple, but it didn't matter when i was with him because we were like, best friends. My friends go out together without inviting me, which makes me feel 109841 times worse right now. And i won't have the chance to make new friends until i move for university, next year. Still, i'm really trying with these friends just so my mind will be kept off him for at least a few hours.

I hate life. But i know i have to move on somehow. Thanks for your comments, i really have no other support at all.


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## divadoll (Aug 15, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Roshni Diya* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I hate what you're saying. And i don't want to accept it. I know it hasn't been THAT long, but the days are dragging on so slowy, it feels like it's been forever. And my heart still hurts so much. So when people say that time will eventually heal me, i just think, how much longer of this misery? It doesn't provide any consolation, just makes me realise that years could go by and i'll still be hurting somewhat. Tiring. It's difficult... but i know you're right. It's hard to think that you may never completely get over someone. I never wanted that to be me, and i don't understand the reason for it, but i suppose, there's nothing i can do about it.
As for friends... i'm realising now how crap my friends are. I never really had many, just a couple, but it didn't matter when i was with him because we were like, best friends. My friends go out together without inviting me, which makes me feel 109841 times worse right now. And i won't have the chance to make new friends until i move for university, next year. Still, i'm really trying with these friends just so my mind will be kept off him for at least a few hours.

I hate life. But i know i have to move on somehow. Thanks for your comments, i really have no other support at all.

I remember when I was dating this guy and the relationship was so intense that we alienated my previous friends and eventually, they did go on with their lives without me. I think the **it finally hit the fan when they were supposed to visit me at my dorm in university and they stood me up. I cried and cried... I then realized that when I was with my Bf that I left no room for my friends. They felt uncomfortable, like 3rd/4th wheels so they thought I would not miss them if they didn't show when in fact, I was waiting all day to see them. When our relationship ended, I knew that it was up to me to reach out to them and make that connection that deteriorated when that jerk and I were dating. Maybe your relationship consumed so much of your time that you should reach out to your friends rather than throw them away.


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## flipshawtii (Aug 15, 2010)

Quote:
At times he sounded so convinced that he was ruining my life. I feel convinced that he is as well. Don't let him do that to you.
Everyday is a new day. You can look back, think of the memories and be hurt. I wish I could tell you to stop it, but it's your life. No one can control your life but you. It is hard at the phase you are going through. It's one of those things that you can grow from in a positive way or hold you back. Don't make the mistake girl. Everyone is telling you, time. More like time with the right mindset. Going forward in time is useless if you are stuck in the past.

We are your support. Smile when you know you're down.

I hope all this talking and advice isn't bringing you down since we are talking about your past and relationship. If you constantly keep talking about it, you might not get over it. Then again it can go the other way and help. I just hope it doesn't go the wrong way.


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## dixiewolf (Aug 16, 2010)

I had a similar experience several years ago. I have had my heart broken many times, but this time was different. Usually I cry awhile and it's over. But I actually ended up having a breakdown and lost 40 pounds. I already have depression which is under control now but it wasnt at the time, and I was told that the breakup triggered the reaction. I had to change my medication several times. I was already in therapy at the time, and he helped me a lot with it. I wrote a letter to my ex (which does not need to be sent) and was told I had to find closure within myself, b/c I didnt get it from him. I thought I was going crazy, just walking through a fog. It took time, but now I can say I am so glad I am not with him, it was a bad relationship. I have been with my fiance for 8 years, and what a difference. It's not the obsessive, fighting, miserable experience of my past relationship. I hope you feel better soon, keep having no contact with him b/c that prolonged my pain. If you can, talk to a counselor or another trusted adult.


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## BombDiggity (Aug 19, 2010)

Originally Posted by *divadoll* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Get to love yourself again I think this is the best piece of advice you'll get. 
Loving yourself is really the key to being happy I believe. Take some time and focus your life upon yourself, though I'm sure you'll think of him. Try your best to think of you. Find what you like about you and really hold those thoughts close try and remove the negaitve thoughts around you. Learn to really appreciate you. Regardless of the situations around you find an inner calm and peace withen you.

Be greatful. Even though things seem like a huge pile of shit now, look around you and find things that you like and are happy you have and have around you. I know it sounds dumb but maybe trying to see some of the good around you will help you to get into a better mind set.

Good Luck


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## Roshni Diya (Aug 21, 2010)

I understand what you're saying Divadoll... completely. But i reached out to my friends even when i was with my boyfriend, it's just that when they ignored me and whatnot, it didn't matter very much... i just remembered that i was in love, and that's all i needed to be happy.

I keep coming back to these posts but it just hurts so much. The easiest way to get through the day is to just not think about it... but at the same time, i feel like i NEED to talk about it. Ugh. I feel like a huge part of me is missing inside, and i feel empty. It kills me not knowing if he's even okay...

Thank you guys. At my age, i know no one who has been through anything similar to what i have. All i see is people who cheat, lie, and yet they get to be with their partners. And i'm so resentful towards them. But it makes me feel better to know that i'm not the only one who's been through, or is going through a heartache so intense. And Dixewolf, i'm so glad things worked out for you. I want to talk to a councelor but i don't want anyone to find out about it.. and i don't know how.

Bombdiggity, you're absolutely right. I'm starting to love myself slowly... and it's helping me so much. Now i think, a guy would be lucky to have me. And i keep trying to make myself better... into a nicer, more friendly person. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps. I have to learn to be happy by myself, completely alone. I hope i can be.

Thank you, all those who've tried to help... you've no idea how much it helps feeling that someone still cares a bit.


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## emmy2410 (Aug 22, 2010)

Hey gal,

Its good that you took this step to even post it here seeking advices from us ladies...1st battle that you won, you didnt actually want to talk abt it but you did. I have gone thru this relationship prob and of cos all of us had diff probs with it. I am married now but I still do remember my 1st love but he is not around cos he committed suicide. Its a life that we all have to go thru...sometimes its good to talk abt it, cry over it and feel btr at the end of the day. Ask yourself which had more weight, the good ones or the bad ones...if it is the bad ones than just let it go. No matter how much you wanna hear abt him or know that he is fine its not going to bring you happiness cos he left you in the 1st place. Someone who didnt appreciate you, your love, your time and everything abt you. You rather be with someone who will love you all. He did it now what if he comes back to you again and does it again that will be a total shack so just let it go and be yourself..there are alot of goodness in this world that you shld be going after...and dun torture urself cos of this one guy. Go and do all those things you love to do...be with ur frens...they understand you more than anyone...tok to them and they will be there for u. God is always there for us...


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## Beauty225 (Aug 22, 2010)

I agree with Ingrid!

In order for you to be happy you need to let go and move on sweetie! I hope you find your happiness again


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## Rotting Beauty (Aug 25, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Roshni Diya* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I hate what you're saying. And i don't want to accept it. I know it hasn't been THAT long, but the days are dragging on so slowy, it feels like it's been forever. And my heart still hurts so much. So when people say that time will eventually heal me, i just think, how much longer of this misery? It doesn't provide any consolation, just makes me realise that years could go by and i'll still be hurting somewhat. Tiring. It's difficult... but i know you're right. It's hard to think that you may never completely get over someone. I never wanted that to be me, and i don't understand the reason for it, but i suppose, there's nothing i can do about it.
As for friends... i'm realising now how crap my friends are. I never really had many, just a couple, but it didn't matter when i was with him because we were like, best friends. My friends go out together without inviting me, which makes me feel 109841 times worse right now. And i won't have the chance to make new friends until i move for university, next year. Still, i'm really trying with these friends just so my mind will be kept off him for at least a few hours.

I hate life. But i know i have to move on somehow. Thanks for your comments, i really have no other support at all.

Maybe this is some type of sick learning experience for another person in the world, maybe this is something you'll learn from in the future, and if it helps, I feel like I've learned from you.Time somewhat helps, but to what extent I wonder as well. How much longer, anyways?

Besides the fact that I feel your feelings are more intense than mine in my case, I wonder if you guys had a bad relationship and that's why you broke up. I think the thing that tears me up is the fact that we actually had a great relationship and it didn't need to end.





I know I can't help much, and I know telling you (or someone telling me) to move on are just two simple words it feels like, but I hope it makes you feel better than I, and others here, somewhat or fully understand. I feel like I need to talk about it too, but I don't want to seriously annoy my friends (and I feel like I will if I keep going at this.) I hate not being able to look at anyone else like I did at him.

I care, about how your feeling, and I know I'm just a stranger, but I don't mind listening even more.

P.S.: I read all the other posts here, and I do think I love myself. I don't know, it just doesn't seem like I think badly of myself and that's why I want them back. Not at all. &gt;_&lt;


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## pretty_pink13 (Aug 26, 2010)

Sounds like you are going through a really bad breakup. I was in your same similar situation years ago, my ex bf who I lived with "moved out" I came home one day and all his stuff was gone, no note no nothing, couldn't find him for weeks. Finally did, he broke up etc, it devastated me. DEVASTATED.

I was in such an emotionally agonizing pain, I really felt sometimes that I could never get through it- and of course the "time heals all" thing really pissed me off because thats all anyone would ever tell me. But you know whats weird, month after month week after week, I started to feel better. Not like a whole lot better but a teeny tiny amount each week or month or whatever. I started a journal with all my progress and noted the ups and downs and just really focused on trying to get better. Sure it was painful and throughout the course of 3 months after the whole thing, since I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything, I lost like 30 pounds in a good way,(I became wayy overweight when I was dating him) but slowly but surely I got my life back.

It has been...4 years since then and I still dream about him, some are good some are nightmares and often times some things remind me of him. I don't think I will ever shake him completley but I really want to because I just don't like little reminders of someone who broke my heart. I haven't spoke to him since that day we broke up and obviously if he had wanted to get back together he would have contacted me like I did him and wrote crazy emails and all sorts of things.

So...let yourself grieve. It took me a good month or so to really get back into the swing of things. I cried myself every night to sleep for that time and one day I realized that this cannot be my existence. I started to slowly associate with my friends again, started going to church, started to glue the pieces of my broken self back together and just occupied my time with doing things and going places. I also read a ton of self help books lol, the "its not a breakup because its broken" book and the "heartbreak repair kit", "how to heal your broken heart in 30 days" and the list goes on. I think those definatley helped.

And I didn't really have support from my mom. She understood what I was going through that I was upset and grieving but she hated the guy. Pure hatred, so I kinda know that from my experience I couldn't really talk to her. She loved the fact that it ended. My friends also didn't really understand, I mean they did but they weren't really going though the same things I was so, they tried to help me the best they could.

And, the whole you'll never find anyone else again move on type thing...interestingly enough I started talking to someone within months of that breakup and even though I was still freshly broken, I really admired his kindness throughout the whole thing...mind you he was 300 miles away and we would chat via email but I am still dating the same man today and I love him.

But going back to my ex, I had developed such a hatred for him. I hated him for what he did to me, for what he put me through. Even though subconciously I wanted to get back together with him, I still couldn't even think of that. I thought, how could someone love me so much yet break my heart so bad? How could he? That really gave me the fuel to get over him. I mean don't get me wrong, in the beginning, thats all I wanted was to get back together with him, but him making it clear that wasn't gonna happen, I began resenting him, hating him so much that I just said fine its really over and I hate your effin guts.

So let yourself go through these stages, I know it hurts so bad right now but if you let yourself experience it, you can move on to experience other things. My pattern was extreme sadness, to anger, to numbness to depression back to anger in the course of a year and in that time, I learned a whole lot about myself. I wish I had the magical words to make the pain go away, I too was looking for that, but really there is nothing that can heal you in an instant. You are going to have to go through this and let yourself go through it.

I hope what I have written helped somewhat, and that you are not alone in this, a lot of girls are and have been there... take care okay ?


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## Roshni Diya (Sep 30, 2010)

Wow.. thank you so much. You understand completely. I wanted so badly to get back with him but now i just feel anger towards him. I don't understand how he could have just left me if he loved me so much, and he never came back. I really thought after years of love, he would have come back. But the anger i feel towards him is helping me move on, because i know that i deserve better. It still hurts, of course.

I'm happy for you. Reading your story really helped me to realise that i'm not the only person in the world who has gone through something like this..


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