# Is She In Danger?



## MissMissy (Mar 2, 2007)

Try to make this short and sweet so bare with me...

i have a friend i grew up with her. let me just say her man is a big piece of shit. she has two kids and she does all the work, and cleans and cooks for him he goes to work. and takes care of all the baby stuff keep in mind this girl is not even 20 years old and has two kids, he never let her get a job. One night he was drunk and passed out and i said hey im hungry lets go get some BK burger king. she said let me ask I said ok?? she came back and told me he told her she couldnt go.. so i brought her some back. last night sh called me it has been awhile, i have been sick and i moved so i lost touch for about 2 months i talked to her for about in hour and a half she had another baby boy her first is so cute!! ok off topic any way! Last night her man was trying to get on the computer ( they oldes almost two turns two in april learned to push the buttons to turn them off) well when you turn it on you have to put the password on he didnt know it so she told him what i was there newborns name..HE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT! Then she said hang on im on the phone i am not getting off just to do that he Yelled YOU WILL GET THE **** OFF IF I TELL YOU TO.. and she was saying something and he went off telling her HE PAID THE BILLS AND PAID FOR HER FOOD AND ROOF,, she is getting a job next week YAY! last time we were there he told her if she tried to leave he would take the kids i think she is scared to leave him her parents moved she has none to turn to .. He is really mean to her and she is not aloud to anything.. my dad said she could come over to his shop i was working there he wont let her. she tried to cover and say the car was out of gas and he had the other one i told her i would come get her but excuse after another. Is she in danger to me this sounds like Earlie examples of abuse. He told her how he pays for everything i told her to tell him that taking care of two babys is a job lol. he Yelled it was not a job because he was 2 himself.. in a mean way.. then the little boy was playing with the dad and the dad yelled LEAVE ME ALONE (grow up)

There kids are so cute i really think she needs to get out of there but dont want to upset her by saying something, i want to remain her friend and im afraid if i give her some pamphlets pr tell her what i think she will get mad and never talk to me again. or worst he will find out i said that stuff to her and he will take it out on her and never let me talk to her what should i do!!!! She is A really good mother for a 19 year old ... I want her to be safe thanks for baring through the long rant/cry 4 help

Got any advice Miss mIssy


----------



## jdepp_84 (Mar 2, 2007)

I think that she is already a victim of abuse. IT sounds to me like she wants to leave but feels she can't. I would definitly try to talk to her and help her. But be careful, you don't want to get caught in between and get yourself in danger. Is their any possible way she could go to a shelter? or something like that?


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 2, 2007)

a shelter is that the best thing for the kids? I thought if she got serous about it she could put a restraining order against him and come live with me i have another trailer next to (needs fixed up) so she could come live in my house till we got that together giving her time to get together and then move in there and rent it from me. and if she cant make rent it is ok because im the land lord... but not sure .. dont want to upset her but want her to know im here..i think she wants me to think they are perfectly in love... Last time i was over he had her engagement ring and said he would maybe let her wear it ant took it back. he wont let her wear it!!! There not married thanks


----------



## Ricci (Mar 2, 2007)

Yes there is a chance she is in danger in the near future

I hope u help her ,her poor kids

I think a shelter will be better then an abusive Dad


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 2, 2007)

i agree but how do i go about helping her!I dont want to justbe like you need to go to a shelter.. and upset her.. cause you know she is going to deny any abuse


----------



## Savvy_lover (Mar 2, 2007)

I hope she will be fine. I m glad that u actually wants to do sth for your fd coz there are so many ppl who are too scared in getting into troubles or not care.


----------



## Momo (Mar 2, 2007)

I think that the right thing to do is just stand up and get in there because it sounds like right now you have to be strong enough for the both of you. Clench your teeth and get her out of there. If it were me I'd get a bat and a crew together and say "She's coming with me" (avoiding violence if possible. don't want him to call the cops on you). No one deserves to be treated that way, and I agree with jdepp, she is already a victom of abuse.

Women who are abused often have trouble getting the guts to leave. Maybe get some able bodied men and women on your side, let her know she will be safe when she decides to seek a better situation.

I would let her know that she is still worth more than he values her. I wish I had more advice about the kids. I think if she got a job her fiance couldn't say she isn't fit to take care of them, and then use the custody as a tool to get her back.

I've seen these situations and I think it's worth every bit of trouble to help give someone a better quality of life. If you do succeed in getting her and her kids out of that, help her build her self esteem up so she has the strength to stay away from guys like that in the future.


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 2, 2007)

ya.. i agree looks like im gunna have to go nose first in this one!!


----------



## SimplyElegant (Mar 2, 2007)

It's not the best environment for her kids if he's like this. She'd be way better off without him and this sounds like more than just early signs of abuse.


----------



## Dragonfly (Mar 2, 2007)

Just a few thoughts...

Women that are in abusive relationships have usually been brought up in abusive, dysfunctional homes. So, in a sense it is what they know - even if they hate it. She may have been told by parents that she is not good enough, and she grows up believing it. Then she hooks up with a man that says and does the same things to her as her folks did, and only reinforces to her that she is not worth it, and does not deserve a happy, healthy life.

This is especially true if the female has been mistreated by her father physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, through neglect or abandonment.

When a father mistreats her daughter, he (through his actions) tells her she does not deserve to be treated any better from a partner. That is why some women will reject a normal man for a dysfunctional man. She doesn't deserve a nice guy, just an A**hole.

As far as your friend going to a shelter - this is a great idea. They will find long term housing for her and her children. These homes are "hidden" in the community and he wil not be able to find her. Once she has been settled, they will work with her to become independent and build her self esteem and confidence.

The biggest threat a woman has, once she leaves her partner, is her partner.

Some men will hurt or even kill her if she tries to leave him.

Some men view their partner as property, and they can do whatever they want to her - especially when she tries to get away from him.

Some men threaten to keep the children, or even hurt them, if she tries to leave. So she is "bound" to him through emotional threats. She would never hurt the kids so she stays with him and endures his abuse.

Missy, I think it is very noble of you to want more for your friend. I wish there were more friends in the world like you.

But be patient with your friend and let her know you will always be there for her.

When she is ready to leave, make sure she goes to a shelter and let them find a home for her and her kids - for the reasons I mentioned.

Big hugs to you honey - and to your friend as well.


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 2, 2007)

thanks for all the advice you guys im going to need it. I think im just going to mition i am here for her to talk to and help if she needs it. and support.. and mition the shelter ting


----------



## CuTeLiCiOuS (Mar 2, 2007)

Women and Abuse

Getting Free

message board

Women and Abuse

Go to this board and ask these ladies what is the best way to get your freind and her children out. There thousands and thousands of people on there, including me. Whats the best way to get her out, where should she go after, what services are aviable, protection, law?

And as for your freind, defenitely stay with her. Get her trust, so once she is ready to leave you can procced fastly. You are a great freind. This is a really unhealthy relationship. The kids 90% of the brain grows first 6-7 years of life. So it is going to impact them majorly. They need a safe enviornment.

*If You Plan to Leave a Violent Relationship: What Is Needed?*

It is always best to plan for emergencies before there is one.

Plan how you will get away from the abuser or get help to come to you.

___________ emergency number to be called:

___________ transportation will be:

___________ helpers or supporter:

Which of the following items will you need?

Keeping those items in a bag or container away from home is best. AVOID using your purse or car.

___ Identification (driver's license, passports, greencards, work permits)

___ Birth certificates for self and children

___ Social Security Cards for self and children

___ Extra car, house, storage or other keys

___ Checkbook, ATM card

___ Credit cards, bank books, etc.

___ Address book/phone numbers

___ Food Stamps, Medical Cards, etc.

___ Car registration

___ Car, health, and life insurance papers

___ School and medical records

___ Divorce, custody, or injuction papers

___ Proof of income for partner (check stub)

___ Pre-paid long distance card

___ Home calling card (calls can be traced)

___ Copies of bills you owe with your partner

___ Change of clothes - self and children

___ Medicine and prescriptions (extra)

___ Personal hygiene products (tampons, toothbrushes, deodorants, etc.)

___ Diapers, formula, blankets, toys

___ Pictures, jewlery, keepsakes

Some Important Safety Tips

Remeber the danger may get worse during an escape, or after leaving a violent relationship.

Have a safety plan for as long as there is communication with/from the abuser and longer. Review it with a counselor often.

If you move, put the rent, phone, and utilities in someone else's name.

Make sure all locks (doors and windows) and lights (inside and out) work properly.

Install alarms on doors and windows. Install smoke alarms, metal doors, or other safety items.

Get an unlisted phone number. (Change old numbers if necessary).

Get an Injunction for Protection. (Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) for legal referrals/information)

Keep copies of Injunction oders at home, work, and in purse.

Have another person to deliver and pick up children if a judge orders visitation.

Use a post office box instead of a street address. Check it during busy hours.

Report suspicious things to police, file violations of the injunction as necessary.

Keep copy of divorce, custody orders, etc., at school.

Make special arrangements to pick up children at school.

Ask school to call about any unusual contact by the abuser.

Make the same arrangements with childcare/babysitters as above.

Have mail sent to the domestic violence center to be forwarded to you or to another safe place. Do not file change of address card with post office (it is not private).

*Helping Someone Who's Being Abused*

If you know someone who is being abused, it is often difficult to know the best way to be of help. Every situation is as different as the persons involved. There is some information; however, that will provide guidelines for helping you see your options as well as knowing what is best for both you and the person being abused.

If you are saying to yourself "why does he/she stay" or "how could he/she put up with it?", it will be helpful to read this page: Why She Stays

Ways you can help

*Educate Yourself *

You will most likely become frustrated unless you understand the dynamics of domestic violence. The pages listed in the domestic violence index give helpful information about the patterns of abuse, characteristics of abused women, examples of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. You will not be able to help a battered person unless you are well informed.

*Listen to her *

Let her know that you care and are willing to listen without trying to extract information she is not ready or willing to share. Take her concerns, feelings, and fears seriously; never discount or minimize them. Never blame her for the situation; help her to realize that everyone is accountable for their own actions and that nothing she may have said or done deserves or excuses abuse of any kind. Battering is never an appropriate response to any situation.

*Let her make her own decisions. *

It is empowering to know that someone trusts your judgement and believes in your ability to find solutions to the problem. Trust her to make the right choices for herself. Tell her you respect her courage and her determination.

*Encourage and help her develop a safety plan. *

Agree with her concerns for her safety as well as that of her children. Offer your assistance in developing a plan that may even include you. Help her look ahead to a plan of action should the abuser become violent again. Suggest that she have an "escape bag" somewhere which might include an extra set of car keys, ID documents, birth certificates, insurance cards, etc. in case she needs them. (ACT has a detailed checklist-type safety plan available. It is too extensive for the web page, but if you e-mail us an address, we will be happy to mail one to anyone who requests one.)

*Encourage her to break the isolation. *

One of the most effective "tools" for abusers is the isolation from family, friends, co-workers, church friends, or any type of support system. Assist her in finding a shleter or an agency that offers counseling and support groups free of charge to the victim. Make her aware of how isolated she is.

*Encourage her to take threats seriously. *

Express your concern for her safety and never minimize threats made by the abuser. Remember, however, that the most dangerous time for a victim is when they decide to leave. Approximately 40% of all female homicides that occur in our country in any given year happen when a woman decides to leave. Respect her judgement as to the right time to leave. Leaving such a situation is a process, and the time must be right.

*Be there for her - but BE CAREFUL. *

If you make promises, make sure you are able to follow through with them. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to do to help. If you are able to make offers of assistance, do so. If you decide you are unable to provide help in the form that the woman needs, encourage her to find a local shelter where her safety will be assured. Depending on the severity of the battering and violence, directly housing the victim may jeopardize the safety of you and your family. The intention here is not to frighten anyone, but simply an awareness of the reality of the far-reaching consequences of such violent behavior. Shelters are designed specifically to house those in danger and have safety procedures in place for such incidents should they occur. They are also staffed with caring, knowledgeable, well-trained persons who have the best interests of the victim in mind. For information on shelters in your area, you may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The fact that you are reading this page indicates that you are a concerned friend, acquaintance, or family member of an abused person. Abuse Counseling and Treatment recognizes the importances of a good support system for victims of domestic violence, and thanks you for your interest and willingness to help end abuse in the life of one person.

If you know someone being abused - Do not look the other way

* Let them know you are concerned about them

* Offer to listen

* Respect their choices, but encourage them to talk with professionals about safety issues

* Offer as much help as you can, but do not take risks with your own safety. Examples of help: childcare, transportation, a place to stay, a job, lending money.

* Give them a copy of The Safety Plan (Obtained from a local domestic violence shelter), or copy and print out our "Online Safety Plan."http://groups.msn.com/WomenandAbuse/index.msnw


----------



## Dragonfly (Mar 2, 2007)

Fantastic information Cutelicious!

Thanks for sharing.


----------



## magosienne (Mar 2, 2007)

cutelicious that's a fantastic info ! thanks for sharig it.

i hope your friend and kids will be ok missmissy.


----------



## jdepp_84 (Mar 2, 2007)

Shelters are not that bad and they are great for children. Most have laywers and psychologist on site to help the families deal with the situation. A lot also have daycare and also provide programs so women can get jobs.

Aslo, its not like you are just going to tell her straight out go to a shelter now! or something like that, but you have to talk to her about it and confront her. I know its going to be hard, but you need to let her know that what he does to her is not right and that its okay to leave. IF you feel more comfortable having her live by you then give her that option, but also try to look for centers that can help her without making live in the center. Im not sure if this makes sense.

I live in a community in were the man is the head of household and its not uncommon to see abused women. It will get worse later on, thats for sure.

Cutelicious you offered some great information.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


----------



## StrangerNMist (Mar 2, 2007)

Well said, and quite true and I fully agree.

It sounds like she's in a really toxic relationship, but once she gets everything straight and gets ready to leave, she'll need you more than ever. I have to say that I really admire you for looking out for her, because most people wouldn't be so kind.


----------



## Shelley (Mar 3, 2007)

Cutelicious posted really good information!

Yes I think this man is already abusive. He is controlling and verbally abusive. What comes next is the physical. I was in a very violent relationship. Your friend may be use to the abuse as hard as that is to imagine. I know from my own experience you begin to think it is normal, feel numb, hard to pull yourself out. It is true, that usually when you leave an abusive person, it only becomes worse, more dangerous.

What she needs now is support. If you can find a safe way for her to leave her house, apartment and possibly move in with you or your family that is a start. If not, then a shelter is a good step. If she does move in with you, make sure that the abuser does not know where you live. If he does or has an inkling, could be dangerous.

The most important lesson for anyone helping an abused woman, child, _I know you are not like this at all MissMissy,_, is not to judge them.


----------



## Ricci (Mar 3, 2007)

I was in a shelter for 2 days because I had no place to stay for 2 days

Its was a women's Shelter for the abuse but I had three kids so they let me stay and Ill tell ya its just a normal nice done up house!! with lots of rooms ,. well the one I stayed at anyways


----------



## KristieTX (Mar 3, 2007)

Let me just say, I understand your situation, MissMissy. I am sorta going through this too, only not as severe. I can't say anything either or I will lose my friend. Don't want to post too much as I think sometimes she snoops.


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 3, 2007)

wow that was alot of info i will deff check out the site. i do want to help her but like kristieTX's i am afraid of her being to scared and breaking contact with me i am not the only one that thinks she needs to leave our other friends think she is in danger as well so if 3 other people beside myself think that then you know something is wrong with the picture!! He is very very controlling makes your have to feel like it is a privilege to wear a ring..the engagement ring so .. thanks guys you REALLY ARE A BIG HELP!! Love ya's


----------



## Shelley (Mar 3, 2007)

I think you brought up a good point of not wanting to pressure her. As an abuse victim, from my point of view, I think if anyone pressured, yelled or became mad at me I would have run or clammed up. You could say "I care about you and concerned for your safety. If you need someone to talk to or need anything, I am here for you." I know how hard it must be sit back and see her go through this, but if you approach her in a non pressuring way that may help guide her. I know when someone approached me this way I trusted that person more and was willing to go to them, because they never got in my face so to speak. It may take time for her to come around because usually an abuse victim feels numb, hopeless, or believes that this is okay or normal. Hope this helps!


----------



## MissMissy (Mar 3, 2007)

she called me today and brought the situation up herself. Asked what do you you do when you love someone but hate them! Guess he grabbed her by the arm threw her off the couch told her to get out so she punched he went to work... then earlier her 2 year old learned to head but and did it to her boyfriend, he got up mad ready to punch the BABY!!!! I said told what i thought she should do and told her i was here for support and help. then went on.. my mom said it will be a thing were she will leave go back leave go back and i should get in the middle of it! Just help and lead her to the right path when asked


----------



## Shelley (Mar 4, 2007)

Yes many times a woman will leave, go back, leave etc. I can relate to the love and hate thing also. Small part of you loves them, think they will change, but abusers never do change. Abusers are cunning and once you decide to leave they will play every game possible to win you back. The calm only lasts so long and then he will emotional, physical abuse you again. I know what that is all about.

What made me leave? Well one incident, I knew my now exbf could have killed me and it suddenly sunk in, triggered something in me. My ex knocked me unconscious and hit my hand with a hammer, broke one of my fingers. Plus I had someone who was concerned, supportive and I think there words stuck in my head, that I needed to leave. Your friend may have a turning point where it sinks in that she must leave.

That is really scary that he felt like punching the baby! The next time he may actually do that. As hard as it is, because you are afraid of her turning away from you, I think if the child is in danger, then child protection needs to be called.. I really think both of them are in danger. Abusers don't just haul off one day and hit you. It starts slowly, usually verbal abuse, control, leads into physical. They use words to knock you down, make you feel worthless, play mind games etc.

With her bringing up the situation herself, is a good sign. As hard as it may seem to see her sit there and get hurt or possibly go back and forth to him, you need to try to be supportive as possible, let her know you are there for her.


----------

