# Boy, was I dealt the hand of hell in love.



## Yukiko (Sep 30, 2014)

Let's start off with the easy part. I am trans and have been dealing with it since.... well, as far as I can remember. I am now 27, and just now, I am trying to get myself to "love", but upsettingly, this isn't easy at all. I actually fear "dying alone" but at the same time, since I was born MtF, well, I like guys and it's like my mind doesn't accept that I like guys I guess. I have tried liking girls. All I think I see with women is the beauty *which might be envy actually* and the liking of the soft skin. With guys, I am sexually attracted, and I like the idea of being held by a guy, but I don't actually find the male body appealing. This means I like men, correct?

.... not here's another kicker. I am pretty sex-o-phobic. I've never had a drink in my life. I never smoked anything in my life. I never gambled in my life. I never had drugs outside of prescriptions in my life..... all around, I am a pretty "pure" person outside of cursing here or there. I don't see how I could ever be so greedy as to being with someone and expect a no-sex relationship, because that would be unfair to the partner, but while I am a sex-o-phobe, I also kind of "want" it too. The act sounds and comes off so immoral and gross to me.

I'm a wreck. I don't know what I want where my mind would be 100% at ease, but as it stands, I don't think I ever will be... I wish I could just get a push onto one side of the fence, stay there, and be happy.

I don't actually "expect" advise, but moreso, using the rant part of this board. Makes it better to vent.


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## kaitlin1209 (Sep 30, 2014)

Asexuality is a real thing, and some people who identify as ace _do _have sex sometimes, it doesn't mean they follow a strict life of chastity.  Gender and sexuality can be very fluid things, and you shouldn't feel ashamed because you don't fit into a box as defined by society and gender "norms."  I can't give much advice because I was born cisgendered and heterosexual (born and identify as female who is attracted to men) so I can only empathize with what you are going through.  However, I do think there is a community of individuals on Tumblr who might have more experience and/or useful advice for you.  I would seach the tags asexual or ace to get started and go from there. You are definitely not alone.


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## Yukiko (Sep 30, 2014)

Well, I used to think of myself as asexual, but then someone said aromantic, and that seemed to fit me more.

I appreciate the advice, but I don't know if that would help. Typically, I try to avoid communities. I love talking with others going through similar, but at the same time, most of them whine too much, or are offended far too easily. I'm not like that. I just need to find my own guidance, and it's bothering me that I just can't sit at ease with it.

Sorry, like I said, I just really needed to post and get it off of my back. Even if no more replies, it just feels good venting it out, you know? I'll figure myself out some day.......year.......sometime.


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## Yukiko (Oct 5, 2014)

Thanks DoS. ;-; ... I appreciate the kind words. Yeah, the sex part is really killing me.

See, to be honest, part of that "purity" I have there is what's biting at me. I've never had a BF/GF in my life. Like I said, I am 27, and that's a long, long time for never so much as having a date. Deep in my mind, I think my mind is telling me that relationships and sex are mixed into the "bad" and when I get with someone, I'll break that purity I like knowing I have, but I shouldn't feel this way.

I've had guys interested in me, but the feelings aren't mutual. I think once I get the full transition, that I would be more open to this. I think it's also discomfort as I am.


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## CaseyR (Oct 6, 2014)

@@kaitlin1209 is definitely right, there is a vast spectrum of identities and expressions when it comes to gender and sexuality, and you're definitely not alone.  We're often more complicated than the typical labels and stereotypes given out. 

I myself identify as genderqueer (expressing myself in varying ways from male to female), and do find dating to be a challenge.  I have never been in a relationship either, but with this said, I feel that it's also important to find the right person.  I also think often, it takes some time to become comfortable with yourself too; I know that it took me quite a while to understand who I was. 

In the years that I worked with PFLAG, (an LGBTQ support group), I found that when people learn more about themselves and discover who they are, they ultimately become more confident and comfortable.  This can indeed take some time, but I have seen many get through some pretty rough patches, and find meaningful relationships; sometimes in the most unexpected places.  I remember one instance where I forgot my keys at an event I was running, and a transwoman helped a friend of mine find them.  Anyway, somehow they just clicked that evening, and they've been a happy couple ever since.  Neither would have seen it coming, either.

I've suggested PFLAG to a couple people on here that have struggled with identity/sexuality issues, and I do believe it is a helpful organization as it's free and has monthly sharing evenings in cities across North America that can be located online.  Perhaps something along these lines could be helpful.  Sometimes, just having a chance to vent your frustrations and concerns in a supportive environment can be more helpful than it first appears.


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## Yukiko (Oct 6, 2014)

Hmm... checked the boston Pflag stuff and nothing coming about outside of some gala they had in April.

To be honest though, like I said, it's kind of a thing that I don't like talking with communities, because most just get on my nerves. :/ ... I've even hung around with another transperson in Boston once, and she was great up until she broke down. I tried hard to comfort her, but she kept saying she wanted to die. I kept trying and trying to comfort her more and more, and even to this day, she messages me on Skype claiming she's going to the Golden Gate Bridge to jump... (thankfully, I never told her that San Fran is looking to get a net put up so that can't happen, but that's how she wants to die...) ... and to make matters worse, I have a friend I talk to online who is super doom-and-gloom with it too. I try to cheer her up all the time, and she actually at one point got ME depressed, and I flipped out and stopped talking for a week.

... Does it make me rude and hateful to not want to be around these kind of people and want to .... I dunno, be stable with myself? ... I mean, technically. outside of love, I feel great. I'll eventually have to see a therapist, but outside of that, I'd really not want to take part in any of these events where I will see people like this. I greatly commend people who can be around them, but me? My energy runs on the energy of those around me, and when I am with depressed people, I get that way too, and I don't like that. I am generally a very, very happy and fun person to my friends, and those friends are all I really need and want at this time.

Again, I am sorry. It's prejudice to assume everyone in this position is like that, especially since I AM (despite my rant) a very happy-with-my-life transperson. It's just love. I can't be comfortable with it. I wish I could be comfortable with it. Like you said though, I just probably have to wait.


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## CaseyR (Oct 6, 2014)

PFLAG often has big fundraiser galas for their various chapters (I helped plan a couple), so that's probably what came up in the search.  The website with information and resources would be http://www.gbpflag.org/

And it is true that many people in the trans community feel distressed or depressed in one way or another through their experiences.  For a number of years, I did peer-to-peer support with a colleague for people considering transitioning, and the backgrounds and experiences were endlessly unique amongst each person, and often quite complex.  Being involved in the trans rights/education movement in Canada, I know personally that there have been a few people that I've known that have honestly been too negative and/or abrasive to maintain a friendship with.  It's a sad situation as it's very hard to get through to some after they've been through so much.  With this said, however, I also have friends (both mtf and ftm) that are also incredibly positive, and have managed to take their personal setbacks and challenges in stride and keep moving forward.  Everyone's different, I've learned.

I'm glad to hear that you're both a happy and positive person as I think that will probably assist more than anything in finding someone.  I know in my case, some of my LGBTQ friends have tried to talk me into joining dating websites that they use, but I don't feel at the right place in my life yet to try something like that.  In time though, who knows; I think we all become more comfortable with ourselves as we progress, it's just not as instant as we'd all like it to be.  At the same time, I think it can be beneficial to take things at a comfortable pace and become sure of what you want.  As I said earlier, I've had friends literally stumble into relationships they never expected or imagined, so sometimes, someone just randomly comes along, and it works.


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## Yukiko (Oct 7, 2014)

See, with other trans people.... at least the ones I have met, they have all been very .... negative, no matter what I say to them, they shoot it down, and I can't take that... so I figured instead of looking for transfriends, I would just let the trans (or whoever) friends come to me and call it a day. In fact, one of my closer female friends came out to me as a FtM just two weeks or so ago. I was happy for, now, him. Totally okay with him too, because he's not doom and gloom, but he does have fallbacks. He's always very happy with us though, and always wants to hang out. =]

Yeah, I am sure, but I need to accept myself first before I can settle down with a guy/girl. That's my thing. I did try OKC for a bit, met a few people... even on voice chat with a guy right now, but I don't feel anything beyond a possible friend. It's awkward. Not because he is a guy, but he's completely anti-me. Scifi bores me and he loves it, as an example.

Yeah too, I checked that site. That's all I found, lol.


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## CaseyR (Oct 7, 2014)

That's unfortunate that you'/ve met so many negative people as sharing common experiences can often be a point of strength in interactions.  Being genderqueer, I find that my friends fall across varying orientations and identities, though most of them are simply cisgendered guys or girls that really don't care about one's identity.  As great as it is to have friends that identify the same way, I think it's also important to have interactions with people of all different communities;I feel that some get too stuck in their comfort zone and become too insulated at times.

That's great to hear about your friend.  I've had a few friends come out as transgender, and with some it was a total surprise.  There was actually a friend that lived around the corner from me in elementary/high school and we had mostly lost contact after.  Anyway, the friend seemed quite interested in my performances at LGBTQ venues a couple years back, and randomly attended one out of the blue.  Not too long after, she came out and started the transition process.  Since then, she and I have kept in contact, and it's been quite cool.  It's one of those things you never would have imagined as a kid, but then again life is quite unpredictable; sometimes in a good way!

I'm sure you'll definitely find someone eventually; it's always a challenge to find someone you click with.

Oh, I didn't realize that was the site you saw lol Maybe they'll update it later on  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />.


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## Yukiko (Oct 7, 2014)

Thanks for the kind words.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> ...

Yeah, I'll find someone eventually, once I get over this bump.


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## CaseyR (Oct 7, 2014)

No problem!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />  And I'm sure you will!


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