# Rant on guys and my non-existant dating life (sorry this could get long!)...



## jellypicnic (Mar 10, 2010)

Hey lovely people!

Ok, so I am really in need of a good place to rant about how crappy I have been feeling lately. I'm a usually bubbly person and everything, but honestly when I get alone, I really do often end up feeling sorry for myself.

The problem is this: I have a really crap history with guys, I've had a few crushes lately that ended with me just being confused, and I'm 24 and...still a virgin. I don't ever broadcast that last little bit, just because it honestly only makes me feel worse about myself. I try to think that I am a nice person who is *somewhat* good looking and worth dating, but honestly I don't even have one guy interested in me, let alone a few. I'm not trying to have a pity party and I know that there has to be situations out there like mine, but I just wonder how it's come to this. I have quite a few friends (not TONS of guy friends though) but I'm not a big party-er for my age. And just by the guys my age that I do know go out and party lots, I really doubt I could find anyone that would be what I'm hoping for at a bar.

The last guy I was getting to know more seemed as though he was interested and we even spent hours talking on the phone nightly since he moved away and we couldn't hangout together. He was an old high school friend. Even my best friend thought we were going somewhere. Anyways, after months of nothing much happening, we just kinda stopped talking. Now I guess he's dating this girl he met in a bar randomly and after 3 weeks he is totally infatuated with her. Do you kinda see where my insecurities come from now? lol

I don't expect guys to be perfect and I know I'm not either, but I guess I'm just getting sick of my friends telling me someone will come along when it's time. I think at this point I'm just confused that it could be something I'm doing that keep any guys from getting close, or if it's just how things are meant to go for me. Anyways, I think this boo-hoo fest has gone on here for long enough but any help advice or anything I would love. And thank you for letting me come on here and vent to all you kind and caring people! &lt;3


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## Darla (Mar 11, 2010)

hey there are decent guys out there, keep looking!


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## internetchick (Mar 11, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Darla* /img/forum/go_quote.gif hey there are decent guys out there, keep looking! Yep. And really, the virginity is no big deal.

Not all guys are partyers. I am not, and my husband isn't either. It works for us. We would rather hang out at flea markets than go to a club.






What are your interests? Do you take classes or anything around your interests? I really don't know what to suggest.

And yes, if that's you in your avatar you are quite attractive.


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## jellypicnic (Mar 11, 2010)

Well thanks guys.

I am definitely different for my age in that I would rather do things like what you said internetchick. Shop at flea markets, go to bookstores, read, and go see movies. I mean I enjoy going out dancing and have fun every once in a while, but it sometimes feels like I am surrounded by guys who only want to party and would think a trip to the bookstore would be sooo gay (this is something one of my guy friends said). I have tons of hobbies that my friends say make me cute and 'grandma' like, but I fear that sometimes my 'traditional' personality is too strange for most mid twenty year old guys.

Oh I don't know, I think I'm just getting fed up with being the one who gets the butterflies and crushes while the guys I am around don't really notice or care about me that much .

But thanks again for the support


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## Johnnie (Mar 11, 2010)

If I read it right, you said being a virgin made you feel even worse? You should never feel inadequate or feel less of a woman because of this. How long have you been single? If you're not into the bar seen and really aren't quite sure where to look, I'd suggest an online dating source.


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## jellypicnic (Mar 11, 2010)

Johnnie- I don't think it's me feeling like less of a woman or anything when it comes to being a virgin. It's just that being that I've never really had a serious relationship and I'm already 24, it's not something I like to talk about too much. I've been single for probably almost 2 years now, but to be honest, when dating guys it's never lasted more than a few months, and I've dated some REALLY screwed up guys! lol I have looked at online dating sites and I know that for some reason, I'm just not ready for that route. I would love to have a relationship right now, but I still feel so uncomfortable about online dating.


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## Johnnie (Mar 11, 2010)

Ok, the last thing I figure is just go to bars/parties. As Darla already mentioned there are nice guys out there and some go to parties/bars to socialize and hang out. That's all I got. Good luck!


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## Fade to Black (Mar 11, 2010)

Originally Posted by *peachysweet* when dating guys it's never lasted more than a few months, *and I've dated some REALLY screwed up guys!* I think this is testament to why you've had such poor luck with men. By the way you refer to your ex's as 'screwed up guys', I assume they must not have been that great of boyfriend material. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about that. 
As for your virginity, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If anything, you should take pride in the fact that you still have your virginity. So many people jump into sex when they're really young, and come to regret it later in their lives because they weren't emotionally or physically ready for the experience. Once you lose it, you can never get it back. Save it for someone special who deserves and respects you.



In my personal opinion, a first time is so much more special if it's with someone you care about and have a deep, spiritual connection with.

As for insecurities, we all feel self conscious at one point or another. Just because you've had some poor luck with men however, does *not *mean there is anything wrong with you! You simply have not met the right man yet and there is no specific time that you need to. I assure you your time will come, and when when you find that special someone that you deem worthy of you, self esteem won't be an issue as he will make you feel beautiful and good about yourself - as you should always feel. Not that I'm saying confidence is obtained through a boyfriend, because that's not the way to gain it. But when you find that special someone, you begin to see yourself through your significant other's eyes, and see in yourself what you were never able to see before.


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## Dalylah (Mar 11, 2010)

Originally Posted by *danixcalifornia* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think this is testament to why you've had such poor luck with men. By the way you refer to your ex's as 'screwed up guys', I assume they must not have been that great of boyfriend material. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about that. 
As for your virginity, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. If anything, you should take pride in the fact that you still have your virginity. So many people jump into sex when they're really young, and come to regret it later in their lives because they weren't emotionally or physically ready for the experience. Once you lose it, you can never get it back. Save it for someone special who deserves and respects you.



In my personal opinion, a first time is so much more special if it's with someone you care about and have a deep, spiritual connection with.

As for insecurities, we all feel self conscious at one point or another. Just because you've had some poor luck with men however, does *not *mean there is anything wrong with you! You simply have not met the right man yet and there is no specific time that you need to. I assure you your time will come, and when when you find that special someone that you deem worthy of you, self esteem won't be an issue as he will make you feel beautiful and good about yourself - as you should always feel. Not that I'm saying confidence is obtained through a boyfriend, because that's not the way to gain it. But when you find that special someone, you begin to see yourself through your significant other's eyes, and see in yourself what you were never able to see before.





This is excellent advice. I agree completely. Don't sell yourself short because you feel like time is ticking.
Don't go looking for men in places you wouldn't normally go because you want to find a like-minded partner. You mentioned you liked reading. Maybe a literature class in college or something where you would find someone that will fit you a bit more.


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## Chaeli (Mar 11, 2010)

Originally Posted by *peachysweet* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Well thanks guys. 
I am definitely different for my age in that I would rather do things like what you said internetchick. Shop at flea markets, go to bookstores, read, and go see movies. I mean I enjoy going out dancing and have fun every once in a while, but it sometimes feels like I am surrounded by guys who only want to party and would think a trip to the bookstore would be sooo gay (this is something one of my guy friends said). I have tons of hobbies that my friends say make me cute and 'grandma' like, but I fear that sometimes my 'traditional' personality is too strange for most mid twenty year old guys.

Oh I don't know, I think I'm just getting fed up with being the one who gets the butterflies and crushes while the guys I am around don't really notice or care about me that much .

But thanks again for the support





Sounds to me like you have decided not to lower your standards and settled for less than you are looking for. That's awesome and in no way a sign of inadequacy on your own behalf. Just be yourself and quite frankly, when that special someone comes along in your life, they truly will be special and everything you are looking for in a life partner!


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## shayy (Mar 11, 2010)

i agree that if you are trying to find a guy that suits you, dont go places or do things you wouldn't normally do! also, i dont think that you should hold your age against you. your age doesn't effect who you are as a person, and it certainly wont effect mr. right from falling for you!

love is honestly the worst thing to search for, but the best thing to have. everyone has to go through the searching process at one point or another, some get the job done quick cause it was meant to be that way, while others need to find themselves before they can find their partner. i know it is the worst thing in the world to have people tell you that your SO is out there somewhere, and at the right time you'll find him... but its true! he IS out there, and you should be happy to know that! you WILL find him one day (whether it be tomorrow, or a year from now) and that should excite you! we all want love now, we all want to find our match early rather than later, but there is obviously a reason why you haven't found him yet. i think that once you are at peace with yourself, you are confident and love your life, he will pop up and make it all 1,000 times better and the wait will be more than worth it!


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## jellypicnic (Mar 11, 2010)

Wow, thanks everyone for all the kind words. I really appreciate you guys understanding why I feel the way I do, but still assuring me something will happen when it's right. I'm obviously in that 'down' stage right now about it and it is a little hard to hear people say he's out there, but I know a part of me has to believe that or I would somehow feel a million times worse. I also try and not dwell or think about that kind of thing to much because, like my best friend told me, he'll often show up when you least expect it and in the most strangest of places! So ya, I'm going to keep trying to think positive and not be too desperate for something to happen right away. And now I know I have a great place to come and talk with really nice people when I am having a 'bad' day! &lt;3


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## Lucy (Mar 11, 2010)

have you tried internet dating? i only suggest this because when i was single, i tried it, and i found that a lot of the guys i was into at that time were all on internet dating. it typically attracts quiet, bookish guys (and weirdos though, be careful). i stopped because i met my boyfriend (offline, in a library), but the guys on there weren't half bad.

but you are gorgeous and lovely and i'm sure if you actually stop looking (often helps) you might find someone you really click with.


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## Rebbierae (Mar 11, 2010)

Oh sweetie this is SO weird--I was planning on posting almost the same rant tonight! With a few differences. One being I'm not a virgin (although I feel like I'm coming back around again) and two being I'm almost TWICE your age and still having these issues! I may post up my own 'story' later so I don't hijack your threat, but trust me, I know just how you feel! I won't offer up much advice after what I just said because everyone will think "she obviously has no room to talk", and besides, everyone else has given GREAT advice! Looking at your avatar, you ARE attractive, and by the sounds of your personality, you deserve nothing but the BEST!

And just know that someone else out there knows how you feel...


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## jellypicnic (Mar 11, 2010)

*Lucy*- I am honestly thinking more and more about it, you know. It's actually funny but the guy I was talking about was on it for a little bit that I know of, and he ends up dating this girl he took home from a bar. Actually now that I hear it like that, he really wasn't worth the pedestal I put him on. Anyways, I would be lying if I said those eHarmony commercials don't tempt me to join it somedays. I think if I am still feeling this stuck in maybe a year that I will probably sign up saying I am looking for something serious. But thanks for giving me your point of view on it!





*Rebbierae*- OMG aww, well I feel for you too then. Yay, we can be in a nice big 'guys are dumb' boat together. lol Well thank you so much for such sweet words. It does make me feel better about myself! I have to say though that by looking at your avatar you look great as well! It definitely helps to know there are others (even in different age groups) that understand why I feel the way I do. I mean it's not like we want to feel crap about ourselves right, but really, when you keep attracting CRAZY or JERK guys you just naturally start to wonder things about yourself, you know?! Good luck with your love search though!


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## Darla (Mar 11, 2010)

i hate to say it but if all you want to do is dump on guys then that might be part of your problem. You may just be looking for something wrong with each guy you meet. There are lots of jerks out there, but there are guys who genuinely care about who they are with and just want to have a good time together.

I've read what you've written and you haven't said anything specific about what guys do that you don't like. If the sex thing is a hangup not to worry, if you're with someone and it is an issure for you tell him that. If he leaves because that's all he wanted then he wasn't the right guy for you anyway. Not trying to be harsh just realistic.


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## jellypicnic (Mar 12, 2010)

Hey *Darla*- No, I really do appreciate your honesty. It's refreshing. I am not meaning to come off as a b**** or anything in my rant. I, of course, know there are two people in a relationship and that it was MY choice to start dating these guys. Again though, it is one more thing that adds to my insecurities that it may be something I am doing to attract these sort of men. I didn't want to go into too many personal details about what they did, as really, that is a little too personal for me. But I will give you the example of my last boyfriend.

We worked together and dated for months (not the best thing, but I thought who knows what could happen). After 3 months of dating and weeks of him being excited about what we would do for it, he totally and utterly forgot my birthday. I mean nothing at all until I mentioned it when the day was almost over. And to make it worse, we worked together all night and friends came to visit me and say congrats. I tried giving him credit thinking maybe he was super stressed or whatever. But from what I could see going on in his life and how often we saw and talked to each other, there was no excuse, at least in my opinion. Whether I was being too emotional or dramatic, I don't know, but I was very hurt, and it never really seemed to phase him even days after when I didn't really want to speak to him. And plus he was far too pushy when it came to being sexually intimate. Now I know that I am not perfect in relationships, but I also refuse to blame myself when a guy treats me like crap. I really am not the type to stick around for that, especially after watching certain personal family problems unfold.

ANYWAYS, I want to explain myself because after reading my rants I do realize that I don't sound the greatest, but you have to understand too that this is me ranting and being in a bad place right now, so it's hard for me to be positive and see the best in everything. With that said, you have made some really valid points. I do think that sometimes my thoughts of the sexual thing end up being an issue I create in the relationship. I really love to think that there are good guys out there, as I have some really great friends married to prove that. I guess it's just me feeling down that I don't get that kind of happiness yet, even when I know that it's not like I won't have it forever, you know?

*sorry this is so long too


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Mar 12, 2010)

i used to feel like that, i didnt have my first boyfriend till i was in college and 18. i had always felt like why dont the guys like me. but after that point i realized two things. finding a guy is a numbers game. i am a firm believe that pretty much everyone gets turned down 99 percent of the time, it is that 1 percent that turns into a relationship. that being said the more people you aproach, the better your odds will be.

Also, i think everyone peaks at a different time. and once that time hits i think you get more confident and comfortable with who you are.


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## Darla (Mar 12, 2010)

you know it sounds like you have learned a few things from you past experiences. I have always thought it might not be the best thing in the world to date someone you are working with. In the event things don't work out you always have to face this person every day which can be very uncomfortable.





i am sure you always know how you feel about who you are dating, but there is always a question about he feels about you. Well you are certainly right about one thing and that is if he completely blows off your birthday and doesn't acknowledge it then something is seriously wrong. WITH HIM not you!

as far as the sex thing as soon as guys are into a steady relationship they start wondering when this might happen or if it is going to happen. and from your perspective i suppose you need to know you have some kind of a serious relationship. Its probably something worth discussion at least at some point ( a number of dates in) if you think the relationship is going somewhere.





you describe yourself as a "grandma" type which might not be the most flattering self description. But maybe there is a way to find someone with similar interests or maybe you coming to the conclusion that you will never find a guy who likes knitting for instance! In that case you need to ask yourself what you are really looking for. you may just come across that person that is absolutely perfect for you. things may not be 100 % in one way or another but then you have to figure out how important that is. But never settle for someone that doesn't really care for you.


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## jellypicnic (Mar 12, 2010)

*Darla*- I completely agree with everything you said there. I think when it comes to actually keeping someone I will probably have to be a little more open and forefront about my feelings in terms of the sexual side of things. But I know once I find a guy I can truly comfortable with then it will be alot easier for me to feel more intimate around them.

lol ANYWAYS, yep the grandma description really does fit me, as ma few friends have said, but I definitely don't want a guy interested in doing any of my little older hobbies. It's funny but I'm actually really attracted to the bigger guys who work in really masculine fields like forestry and oil. My last two crushes were pretty much bang on with the big surly guy type. But ya, I do enjoy going out and dancing and shopping, doing normal things girls my age do. But yet I still feel like certain parts of my interests may confuse guys every now and then. Oh well I guess though. I enjoy them and it's not like I'm gonna quit my hobbies and try to be someone completely different anytime soon! lol

Thanks for all the great advice and understanding. I needed to hear alot of that!


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## kabuki_killer (Mar 14, 2010)

I have a similar dilemma and you don't need to justify yourself to me or explain things at all. I totally understand. I haven't had an actual relationship since I was a junior in high school. As a kid and a teen, my parents never put any emphasis in my romantic or future life with spouses. They just never talked about it, hoping it will just appear naturally out of thin air and everything will be proper, traditional and good.

For some girls, interest from guys comes naturally because they know how to FLIRT and they seldom realize it. For the rest of us, we have to work a little bit, although not in the romantic comedy sense. It involves observation, thought and balance of the relationship. It's really not that much different from nurturing a long-lasting friendship with your bff. Significant others also are NOT one-size-fit-all. I agree with the advice to find someone that at least has a few fundamental similarities to you.

For the longest time, I often seemed to eye guys that flirted with me, then ended up in a long term relationship with one of the more outgoing and less eccentric friends I have. I guess they weren't really right for me, anyway. Guys also often like to date the same girls. If you have a lot of boyfriends, chances are, you won't have too hard of a time finding another. Men aren't as brave as they try to sound.

I also happen to be very picky. Looks, intellect and temprament matter. I wouldn't say I have bad luck with guys. I just sometimes shun them off unknowingly. I'm certain for you, it's not that you're unattractive. You're cute (I'm not trying to hit on you) and you sound like a normal, articulate individual that is safe and fun to be around. Just don't take it too seriously. Show a little interest and flirt a little. When the time is right, talk about boundaries and expectations (like sex). If he's a mature individual, he'll understand.

May I recommend dating slightly outside of your age group? Maybe including older or slightly younger men can broaden the choices. I personally have bad experience with internet dating. I got way too many emails every day from guys that I (and maybe of you) would probably never want to go near, but then again, it was a free site. One decent guy did message me, but he lived in another state.






Anyways, I hope you got anything at all from all my blabber. You're welcome to disagree. And good luck!


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