# Can I VENT?



## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

My husband just got home from work, and he's slamming doors, saying mean things to me, etc. What did I do??? He won't tell me, just says I'M the problem.




I didn't do anything! He's had the last few nights all to himself, since I took the kids to the beach! He was pissed off earlier because I didn't wash the table after lunch, so while he was at work, I busted my a$$ cleaning the whole house! I even dressed up for him and all... And this is how he acts?? He had brought home 2 beers. Naturally, I assumed one was for me, so I opened it. He started laying into me, telling me to go buy my own, it was his, and I'm a lazy b*tch. Wow! I'm so sad...and all I want to do is cry...

Loooong story short, we were separated back in November until January. He had been arrested for domestic violence, and he had wanted a divorce. I got back together for the kids' sakes...but things are sooo tense.

What do I do?


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## pinkbundles (Jul 30, 2006)

ouch! that sounds intense. i'm sorry he's saying all those things to you. you're his wife! he should be more respectful.

but anyway, it sounds like he's pissed off and taking it heavily out on you. i would give him time to cool off before trying to talk to him. just be careful since you mentioned he has a history of domestic violence.

*hugs*


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## linda46125 (Jul 30, 2006)

you should do whats best for you sproutwings, you said you got back together for the sake of the kids but if you are miserable, and this man is treating you like this then it isnt benefitting the kids in any way.

the kids will be happy as long as their mum is happy! it scares me that you say he has a history of domestic violence, please be so careful and remeber you can talk on here any time. i hope things work out for you. xxxx


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## kaeisme (Jul 30, 2006)

Sounds like he has a major control issue...and they do a lot of projecting of their own faults on to someone else...and just remember..what exactly are you teaching your kids.that is okay to be in an abusive relationship...sorry, I have just seen too many women come thru the ER thinking he was gonna change if I just do this and that right..


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## VenusGoddess (Jul 30, 2006)

I agree with the ladies above. You are teaching your daughter (if you have one) that she should "work it out" with someone who is so abusive. For your son (if you have one) you are teaching him that this is how he should express his anger and violence towards his gf/wife. Your husband is NOT a good role model.

He's got some major issues, hon, and he's being abusive NOW. He may not be hitting you, but he's being emotionally and mentally abusive towards you. If he hasn't started hitting again, yet, then it's the next step.

Please, please re-think why you are there. Life is how we make it...so why are you choosing to be with someone who treats you so poorly? Get out, get help, and learn to treat yourself and your children better so you don't bring a new man with the same type of problems into your life.

This is not a healthy situation...not for you, him, or the kids. Take him up on his offer of divorce and get him out of the house.


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## littletingoddes (Jul 30, 2006)

Please... do what's best for yourself and your kids and get out of there. He has a history of abuse... the way you say he's acting, it sounds like he could erupt at any moment. Having your kids in that situation is not in their best interest. Kids deserve to be in a happy household, and if that's with a single parent, then so be it. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I know we don't know each other, but I'm honestly worried about your safety.


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

Thanks for your concern, Ladies. For the record, he's never hit me in front of the kids or anything. When we were separated, I NEVER said one bad word about him to my kids. That would crush them!! It was hard enough explaning for an entire month why he didn't come home, didn't call, etc. When he finally got weekend visitation, he acted like it was all fine, didn't really explain much to them. The boys were thrilled when he came back home.

I have mentioned divorce to him since then, and he says, fine, get out! It's my house, everything's in my name, so go. He refuses to let me take the kids... I can't leave! Plus, I grew up in church, and I was taught divorce is wrong and that the kids will be irrevocably (sp?) damaged. I would hate to put them through that... I went to bed shortly after he got home to get out of the situation. He's still sleeping right now, so I think I'll take the boys over to my parents' house for lunch. If I stay out of his way, hopefully, he'll cool down. I love you guys for looking out for me!!


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## kaeisme (Jul 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Thanks for your concern, Ladies. For the record, he's never hit me in front of the kids or anything. When we were separated, I NEVER said one bad word about him to my kids. That would crush them!! It was hard enough explaning for an entire month why he didn't come home, didn't call, etc. When he finally got weekend visitation, he acted like it was all fine, didn't really explain much to them. The boys were thrilled when he came back home.I have mentioned divorce to him since then, and he says, fine, get out! It's my house, everything's in my name, so go. He refuses to let me take the kids... I can't leave! Plus, I grew up in church, and I was taught divorce is wrong and that the kids will be irrevocably (sp?) damaged. I would hate to put them through that... I went to bed shortly after he got home to get out of the situation. He's still sleeping right now, so I think I'll take the boys over to my parents' house for lunch. If I stay out of his way, hopefully, he'll cool down. I love you guys for looking out for me!!

Oh my, if I had money for every time that I have heard that same story...just one thing and I will shut up...It most certainly will never get better..it will get worse..but , you have to do what you have gotta do...and I hope he is that miracle one that does change for the better...


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

Kaeisme-

One good thing, I guess, is that if he EVER hits me again, he'll go STRAIGHT to jail. He pleaded guilty to the assault charges, and since it was his first offense, they sent him to DOSE classes. (Not really sure what it stands for, but he has 26 classes to take, one a week.) If he attends all the classes and doesn't hit me again, then the charges will be dropped. He's been really good about going to the the classes... I wish he'd go to marriage counseling with me. We went for 2 months, but he decided they weren't helping.


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## Lia (Jul 30, 2006)

If divorce damage kids for life, watch parents argue does damage too. Everything has an impact on people, and it's up to us to learn how to deal with the painful situations that life put us through , since when we're little babies and can't have a candy at that moment (teaching us how to wait to get things that you want) till see your parents divorce. My parents aren't divorced, but my mom always said that if my dad would even think of abusing her, it would be the 1st and the last time, and we would beat him so hard that he'd never forget.

Even though your kids didn't see him beating on you, haven't they seen you sad or injured? And what would you say to them if they saw you like that? That you're sad because of life and the bruising was just that you fell on the bathroom? I think that almost everyone, it can be a little boy or a grown woman, can feel the "vibe" around, and if you're suffering, even if your kids doesn't know what's going on, they'll feel it.


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## Becka (Jul 30, 2006)

what a horrible, horrible situation. If you can grab the strength, I'd say move on. It may be a real financial / mental rollercoaster but you and the kids will be better off for it


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## tsims (Jul 30, 2006)

my hubby now was in no way this bad, but when he started getting grumpy and slamming doors and just yelling about every little thing (not at me or blaming me thou) i told him either he goes to see psychiatrist or me and the kids are gone. he did go very relunctantly , but when he came out he looked like a load of bricks had been lifted from his chest, i dont know for sure everything the doc and him talked about but appratently it happens to everyone at least once in their life and it was depprssion and he started taking prozac, oh my god! the change was amazing , it did not make him different person , just back to the person i married, he could take all the everyday stress. things like the car breaking down, a debt collector calling, and one of kids breaking a picture frame just rolled right off him , he came up with solutions and just laughed about things instead of slamming doors and flying of the handle.

it may be deppression that his him in whril wind. i dont for sure thou, my hubby never hit me and he would give me the last pieace of food in the house much less a beer without ever saying anything except you take it, you should have it , i love you.

if it religous reasons, then go talk to your pastor etc.. i went through this in my first marriage and found that in the bible i did say i could divorce for adultery and physical abuse. the pastor showed it too me. i will look later and see if i can find it again and post it for you.

try to get him to a doc thou, maybe you can get alhold of the people running class and talk to them on ways to help get that done.

ts


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## Annia (Jul 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *VenusGoddess* I agree with the ladies above. You are teaching your daughter (if you have one) that she should "work it out" with someone who is so abusive. For your son (if you have one) you are teaching him that this is how he should express his anger and violence towards his gf/wife. Your husband is NOT a good role model.
He's got some major issues, hon, and he's being abusive NOW. He may not be hitting you, but he's being emotionally and mentally abusive towards you. If he hasn't started hitting again, yet, then it's the next step.

Please, please re-think why you are there. Life is how we make it...so why are you choosing to be with someone who treats you so poorly? Get out, get help, and learn to treat yourself and your children better so you don't bring a new man with the same type of problems into your life.

This is not a healthy situation...not for you, him, or the kids. Take him up on his offer of divorce and get him out of the house.

This is such great advice. I would suggest counseling especially for him... men like him end up killing innocent loved ones. Sorry if that offends you in any way, but I have seen it happen.
Also what ever you do make sure your kids are okay. Some kids need some extra care when families are going through these things, it's because they don't understand. I know its hard especially when the victim is you and you're the only one who can take care of them. My best advice would be get some help, talk to some one about it. You need to start acting now before it gets too late.

I just read your reply to Keisme. You need to find another counselor one that's working for the both of you.


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## Elisabeth (Jul 30, 2006)

Sproutwings,

I just viewed your profile picture, and you look so beautiful!! Not just on the outside, but beautiful on the inside!!!

OMG, I have not been in your position (with children, etc.), but it makes me angry to think of your husband saying such things to you, his beloved wife and mother of his children; making you cry and such. I respect your respect for the church and marriage, but...at what cost? I also admire you for trying to work it out. You are so wanting to do the right thing here...

Take it easy and protect your tender heart, mind, and body...

Elisabeth


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## Gwendela (Jul 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Thanks for your concern, Ladies. For the record, he's never hit me in front of the kids or anything. When we were separated, I NEVER said one bad word about him to my kids. That would crush them!! It was hard enough explaning for an entire month why he didn't come home, didn't call, etc. When he finally got weekend visitation, he acted like it was all fine, didn't really explain much to them. The boys were thrilled when he came back home.I have mentioned divorce to him since then, and he says, fine, get out! It's my house, everything's in my name, so go. He refuses to let me take the kids... I can't leave! Plus, I grew up in church, and I was taught divorce is wrong and that the kids will be irrevocably (sp?) damaged. I would hate to put them through that... I went to bed shortly after he got home to get out of the situation. He's still sleeping right now, so I think I'll take the boys over to my parents' house for lunch. If I stay out of his way, hopefully, he'll cool down. I love you guys for looking out for me!!

I hope things get better for you, but if they don't keep the following in mind:
The house is his but if you get divorced that may change. Plus is the house worth the suffering for you and for the kids?

He won't let you take the kids. You go to a shelter when he is either asleep or at work. There are very few judges that will grant sole custody to a person that has been introuble for domestic abuse.

I grew up with the very same teachings about divorce. I believe that divorce shouldn't be a quick fix but a last resort. What damages children's tender psyche's the most is living with fear and worry. You stated that he hasn't hit you in front of the children. Children aren't as naive as a lot of people think. They can hear things from another room, they know by the look of their Mother's face if something is troubling her.

I hope my post doesn't read as judgemental, it definitely wasn't meant to give that impression. I have had several friends that have been in your shoes and my heart goes out to you as well as my prayers.


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## Aquilah (Jul 30, 2006)

Personally honey, I don't think it's worth it to stick around. It almost sounds to me like you're better off without him. My mom and stepfather stayed together for the "sake of the kids," and my sisters hate both parents now. The kids will be more damaged by watching this behavior between him and you continuing so much more so than having two happy parents, even if they aren't together. BTW, don't think the kids don't have a clue as to what's going on. If they're hearing what he's saying to you, and they're seeing your reaction, then they know. Kids are very intuitive, and know much more than they let on.

Regardless as to whether he's physically hit you, he is inflicting emotional and mental abuse, and that's just as bad. Not to mention, heaven forbid it did ever become physical! Let alone if someday it did become physical and/or the abuse started on the kids! I'm not sure what state you live in, but from what I've always heard, as long as you've been married at least 10 years, then you're entitled to alimony or some sense of support. He'll have to support the kids regardless as to whether or not he supports you monetarily.

I'd definitely look into a legal separation if nothing else. Maybe try marriage counseling and anger management classes if you're determined to stay together with him. If not, then look into the separation, and if need be, get the divorce. I'm sorry this is happening to you sweetie, and I hope things get better or you decide what you need to do for the sake of yourself and the children. I'm very sorry if I don't make sense too! However, I hope some of what I said made sense and helps! We're always here when you need to rant, rave, or have a shoulder to cry on!


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## LuckyMe (Jul 30, 2006)

He is bullying you by saying that you can not take the kids but no judge is going to let him have custody of the kids when he has been charged with assault. He can not control his anger without being verbally or physically abusive, a judge is not going to give him custody.

I am not trying to be judgmental in any way, only offering advice, but after reading several of your posts, he has drained you of all of your self confidence. Girl, you are beautiful! Get yourself out of this situation (and those kids). You could have any man you wanted and he would treat you like the queen that you are.

Your kids will respect you more when they are older and understand why you left than if you stay and show them that mommy has no self respect or self esteem.

I was in your siutuation 1 time about 15 years ago for 1 month. I left that jackass (was only dating) and found a husband that thinks the world of me.

I hope it all works out for you!


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

When we were separated back in November, I got the house and the kids, but he still got weekend visitations (every other), and one night a week for a few hours. He said I'd have to be out of the house January 1st, that he was putting it on the market. He closed our joint checking account, and I got no money...until the last few weeks, and then it was only $200 every two weeks. It was SO hard. I was selling stuff out of my house on the internet just to buy gas and groceries. It's hard because I have three kids, no job, and my name's on NOTHING. He doesn't make enough for alimony, and the child support I would've gotten was minimal. I feel like I should "bide my time" and finish school or save up what little money I can (by selling stuff...). I told him I wanted to go back to school, and he said no. I may ask my parents for a loan so I can go back, regardless what my husband says. (It's my life... If I want my education, who's he to refuse it?) If I could find a way to support myself and the boys, then I would move out... But I cannot just leave without ANYTHING, KWIM? My older two boys will be going to school in the fall (Kindergarten and 1st grade), and my youngest will be in preschool 3 mornings a week while I teach. (I teach 4 year old preschool.) I'm hoping that if I can remain positive, and do whatever he says, things will get better. But in the meantime, I'll get my education and save up a nest egg. (I would've finished school a LOOONG time ago, but everytime I'd go back to school, Id get pregnant! LOL You know how hard it is to go to school full-time, raise kids, and keep a home?? And I still got straight A's!!) Speaking of...I'm LATE! I bought a pregnancy test, but I'm too scared to take it... &lt;sigh&gt;


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## tsims (Jul 30, 2006)

i looked at your profile too, geeesh you are beautiful!!!! and son is so adorable OMG!!!do you have family that can help you out, someone you can stay with, i can guarntee unless you have a drug problem or are just a down right scumbag, there is no judge in the world that will take the kids from there mother and i damn serious they will not take your kids from you!!!!!

it may be that he can help, it may be depression but you wont be able to cure it staying there you have to leave, get a legal seperation and then maybe he will be forced to get help and you can take it from there, the judge will give the house and child support. possible alimony. which i hate to say this but it may be the only reason he has not kicked you to curb, he knows he will be ordered to give you house and pay you, i am sorry hate to lay it out there like that but unfortunately it is true in many cases and why the pharase "cheaper to keep her" came about.

please erase mut from you addresses bar and all your history on your internet he might find this and take the kids himslef and leave if he does it will be harder to get them back, you can but it will be much harder, who ever has them keeps them until court unless you involve social services and then that gets real messy.

good luck sweety you dont deserve this, and god would not want to you live like this

ts


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

When I agreed o let him come home, I asked him if he wanted to only because of $$$ issues. He claimed that it'd be cheaper to stay separated than for us to get back together... I know for a fact that he would not have to pay alimony. I do think he's depressed. He just got a job this past week after being out of one for months!! I'm sure that took its toll (I know men have their identity in work...) Thanks for the advice re: clearing my history. That's not a bad idea! Knowin ghim, he would snoop around...but even if he DID find it, I'm telling the truth, the courts have documented it, the police have pictures of my bruises, etc...


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## tsims (Jul 30, 2006)

it may be hard to leave thinking of the financial burden, you can always get food stamps and welfare checks, i know it is not something anyone wants to think about , i had to do it after i left my first husband who was physcial and mentally abutsice to me, by i am alive and so is my daughter and i did get on feet managed to get off the goverment services met a wonderful and am living happy ever after , i look back now and wonder how i managed to go throug all did , even moving place to place so he would not find me, in fear he would kill me but i made it and i have no real education.

can you live with your parents or maybe someone here on mut has a place near you for rent that would be willing to rent it cheap or no rent for a few months till you get financial support or a better job.

i just see his resentfulness growing ,not even giving you money to buy HIS CHILDREN FOOD


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## drjoyas (Jul 30, 2006)

Oh man, you certainly are in a pickle here. And I don't assume to even know what it is like to be in this particular position. Nor do I mean to be harsh or anything but what do you say to yourself that makes it ok that he hit you, if only one time, and you let him back in. You show people how you expect to be treated. And you are a beautiful girl to be sure who should be telling herself exactly what she deserves like a loving and supporting husband with a home environment which is healthy to raise the only three people in this world that she really has an obligation to, her kids. Understandibly this is hard to do with someone beating you down emotionally all the time but I can tell you are on the verge of making some good things happen. If you truely believe you don't deserve to be treated that why, well then don't. Get out as quickly as you can. You are much to valuable as a person for this and I think you know that.


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

I keep think that I did something wrong, KWIM? Like I don't decorate good enough...or look good enough...or treat him good enough, etc, etc, etc. I try to do all the right things, but it's like it makes no difference. He gets pisse doff at the littlest things. I try seducing him, too, but I think he's more interested in his porn than me, flesh and blood... no wonder my self-esteem is so low...


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## Jennifer (Jul 30, 2006)

i didn't read this whole thread because it hits too close to home and makes me upset, but here's something from a child's point of view...

up until about 4 years ago, my mom did the same as you. she was like you, too. no

job, no money, etc. one day, my dad lost control, after being verbally and physically abuse for years, and kicked us out. it was me, my 3 siblings (ages 21, 20, and 11, me 15), and my mom, and my mom only had $17 in her pocket because my dad took all the money outta the bank. we were homeless for a month.

to this day, this might sound selfish, but i am so angry at my mom for putting up with my dad.

like i said, take it from a child's point of view, think of your sons. i had my days where i told my mom i hope she rots in hell with my dad because she didn't take us outta the situation when she knew how horrible it was. it went on for years and she knew it'd happen again because every time he'd beat my mom, i'd tell her to call the cops and she'd say "i will next time."

i know it's hard, especially when you have no money, but what's gonna happen if he throws you out without even thinking he'd do it?

sometimes i used to tell my mom that if she wants to stay with him, then she's gonna lose us (my siblings and i) and it got to the point where after my dad threw us out, my mom still wanted to get back with him, but my brother said he'd take my mom to court and try to gain custody of my little sister and i. thankfully, it never got to that.

it's 4 years later and we're still struggling financially (my mom works 16-hour days 6 days a week just to pay rent) and emotionally. we've moved 4 times in the past 4 years. my family hardly gets along anymore because there's so much anger and issues. you know what, though? i've never felt so safe in my life because for the first time in YEARS, i can go to sleep at night knowing my dad won't come home drunk, pissed off, etc. and try to kill us.

if you stay with your husband, your sons will probably have the same resentment i have towards my mom. they may be young now, but you never know how long this will go on. they'll get older and feel betrayed by not only their father, but their mother, too.

good luck. we're for you.


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## sproutwings (Jul 30, 2006)

Jennifer-

I am sooo sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad, though, that your mom had the courage to continue doing the right thing without your father! That must have been horrible to go through! I guess I keep holding onto the dream that one day, things will just be perfect, that he'll start being nice to me and stop all the BS. I got a nack account when we were separated and he closed our joint acct., so I have access to a *little* money. I guess I figure since he hasn't hit me/choked me since November, then things must be getting better. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel I am not good enough...


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## littletingoddes (Jul 30, 2006)

And why do you feel like you're not good enough? Because of him. That's part of the abuse. Abusers work at the victim's self esteem until she is convinced she can't get any better.

He is using your children as pawns, to make sure you don't leave. But in the meantime, they are learning two bad lessons... one, that men can treat women the way that you're being treated, and two, that women should take it.

Does your family know about the abuse? Could any of them help you get on your feet if you left?

You shouldn't be putting up with this. The longer you stay, that's just more time you're allowing yourself to be victim.


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## VenusGoddess (Jul 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Jennifer-I am sooo sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad, though, that your mom had the courage to continue doing the right thing without your father! That must have been horrible to go through! I guess I keep holding onto the dream that one day, things will just be perfect, that he'll start being nice to me and stop all the BS. I got a nack account when we were separated and he closed our joint acct., so I have access to a *little* money. I guess I figure since he hasn't hit me/choked me since November, then things must be getting better. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel I am not good enough...

Ummmm...wow...
I would strongly suggest that you forget about trying to get him into marriage/couples counseling and just going yourself.

There are a lot of Women's Shelters that give free counseling.

These situations will only get better if the abuser is willing to change. Your husband is blatantly telling yout hat he is not willing to change.

Do what you want, but you are only a victim for as long as you choose to be. And, if YOU were the child in this situation...would you want YOUR mom to stay with your dad? I know I wished my mom would leave for YEARS before she actually did.


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## Jennifer (Jul 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Jennifer-I am sooo sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad, though, that your mom had the courage to continue doing the right thing without your father! That must have been horrible to go through! I guess I keep holding onto the dream that one day, things will just be perfect, that he'll start being nice to me and stop all the BS. I got a nack account when we were separated and he closed our joint acct., so I have access to a *little* money. I guess I figure since he hasn't hit me/choked me since November, then things must be getting better. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel I am not good enough...

my mom said the same. "he'll get better, just give it time." it DIDN'T get better, though. not only did he become more abusive, but she lost the respect we (siblings and i) used to have for her.


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## sproutwings (Jul 31, 2006)

I'm starting to think you guys are right. It's just so hard! I don;t want to be alone for the rest of my life. (I know that sounds lame, but I'm only 25 yrs old with 3 kids. No one would ever be attracted to that! He told me tonight, though, that I'm a ***** and a "slug." OUCH! I think he wants a MAID and a professional chef. I try to make awesome meals, but if he doesn't give me money for groceries, how the hell am I supposed to make a gourmet meal every single night?!?


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## Becka (Jul 31, 2006)

Jen, you have had a brutal time of it, I can see now why you are so mature for your age, coz you have lived a lifetime already and been through things some never well. your mom is extremely lucky you have stuck by her and even after she still wanted to go back to your Dad. Kudos to you for turning out so well.

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* I don;t want to be alone for the rest of my life. (I know that sounds lame, but I'm only 25 yrs old with 3 kids. No one would ever be attracted to that! There are many men out there who date women with children and there are many single dads out there looking for the same. You can choose to grab strength and make a better life for yourself and your kids or you can only blame yourself for your own misery and the misery / problems / future problems that are being inflicted on your kids due the present living situation. These situations can escalate beyond a persons means and well beyond what anybody would ever expect. I'm sorry to be so harsh but I feel very strongly about this. We've all seen Cops and Homicide shows, right? You should be focussing on yourself and your kids and the options available to you from Society to help you move out.


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## kaeisme (Jul 31, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* I'm starting to think you guys are right. It's just so hard! I don;t want to be alone for the rest of my life. (I know that sounds lame, but I'm only 25 yrs old with 3 kids. No one would ever be attracted to that! He told me tonight, though, that I'm a ***** and a "slug." OUCH! I think he wants a MAID and a professional chef. I try to make awesome meals, but if he doesn't give me money for groceries, how the hell am I supposed to make a gourmet meal every single night?!? That's the way he keeps control over you..telling you that no one else would want you..making you believe that he is your only chance...little by little wearing down you own self worth..they try to alienate you from those that love you..you think if I just do this and that right it will all be better..It won't work..you will never be 'good enough' no matter what you do..cause you are not the problem..it's his problem...and his control...all about control..they feel out of control..so they try to control whats around them,,,..I know that you said you were in counseling..but I have seen these women come thru the ER saying the things you have just said..that he never did this before or that before...I am sure their are some success stories out there..but they are few and far between..It will get worse..there are so many programs out there..that will help you get on your feet..it's never easy...but when you lay your head down at night..it's all good...give yourself a chance..


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## tsims (Jul 31, 2006)

i seriously doubt that you will never meet another man, everyone has kids nowadays. besides i would rather be alone then be treated like this everyday.

again there is just no way i believe you wont find a man who will love and cherish you and your children. i was a single parent when i met my now hubby ( married 18yrs now) and he has raised my daughter like his own. you've been through the bad and ugly its time for the beautiful and good.

run , run as fast as you can away from their, i swear it will suck at first but be strong and good things will come, take it from a girl who herself was a victim of this type of abuse before.

by the way you will never do anything right , even if you turn into martha stewart herself there will alwasys be something wrong, and when he cant find something wrong he will start hitting again.


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## KathrynNicole (Jul 31, 2006)

sproutwings!





Originally Posted by *Jennifer* i didn't read this whole thread because it hits too close to home and makes me upset, but here's something from a child's point of view...
Same here, Jennifer.



I can so relate.


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## miss_me_tomorro (Jul 31, 2006)

i may be young, but i have a lot of experience with angry men (well a man, my dad) and he has a chemical imbalance. he also played with murcury as a child, which has most likely done physical and psychological damage. he always is hard to read. som,etimes i think hes joking, but then he's mad! and it doesnt take much to pi$$ him off. ive spent a couple of years being there for my mom, crying with her and always being the shoulder she cries on (well, one of them) shes gone throught a lot of bad stuff, and i could only imagine how much uve gone through. my mom and dad are currently seperated, and my mom tells me that once she has enoguh money, shes getting divorced. well, wut i suggest to u is, no matter how hard it is (and believe me, i know just how hard it is) take your kids and get as far away from him as possible. after that, file for divorce and (if you need it) a restraining order. good luck, and i hope this helps!

-shannon


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## tsims (Jul 31, 2006)

if you need a push, have your older children draw some pictures of them and dad, then you and them, then dad and you, then all of you, then of dad coming home from work, of you guys eating dinner. then look at the picture for differences as you guys spread apart, dad looking angry or no expressions. if there are none then good it has not effected them to much, if you see differences then well you have your answer to how fast you need to go.

god bless you sweety i have thought about you all day

ts


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## Lia (Jul 31, 2006)

... i was thinking about my earlier post and i realised it was too harsh... who am i to say something? sorry


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## AerynGirl (Jul 31, 2006)

I agree with the other posts you need to do was best for you and your kids with that said and this is just my option take it with a grain of salt.

Girlfriend I think you need to get out of this relationship ASAP .He obviously does not respect you and is clearly verbally abusive to you and has been physically abusive as well. No one should have to put up with that S##t you need to tell him to clean up his act and start behaving like a normal human-being or your going to leave him.There are lots of guys and girls that would love to have a woman like you.

I hope things get better for you in any-case 

Big Hug, Aeryn


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## KimC2005 (Jul 31, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Jennifer-I am sooo sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad, though, that your mom had the courage to continue doing the right thing without your father! That must have been horrible to go through! I guess I keep holding onto the dream that one day, things will just be perfect, that he'll start being nice to me and stop all the BS. I got a nack account when we were separated and he closed our joint acct., so I have access to a *little* money. I guess I figure since he hasn't hit me/choked me since November, then things must be getting better. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel I am not good enough...

You are very beautiful! I wish you could see that about yourself! Please please just listen to what all the other girls are telling you, especially from people who have walked that road before. I have also grown up in church all my life and heard divorce is bad, but nowhere does my Bible say that it is okay for the husband to abuse the wife. Your husband has some serious issues. He needs to get control of it and get some help! Whether or not you think your kids see it or even realize anything is going on between you and your husband, they do. Trust me! I could always tell when something was wrong with my mom or when my parents had been in an argument. Your children deserve to live in a peaceful and safe environment. Arguing and instilling fear in them lasts with them for years just as Jennifer shared. I have seen it over and over and over. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you will think and pray over what everyone has told you. If you aren't going to do it for yourself do it for your children!! You deserve the best! You are soo pretty and I don't think any guy would have a problem falling in love with you!


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## sproutwings (Jul 31, 2006)

After my last post last night, he took my cell phone battery and said that today he's cancelling the cell phone and my internet access. Who knows if he'll follow through. He also told me I have to get a full-time job. I will start loking today for one! I hate the idea of putting my kids in daycare, but I may be able to convince my mom to watch them, at least until school starts up. I've decided that I will spend all day cleaning my house, making it sparkle! I'll cook a fantastic meal, get dressed up, etc. If he comes home in a bad mood and says ONE mean thing to me, then I'll really know the man's off his rocker. I have emailed three companies so far for data entry positions (I figure IF it's legitimate, I can do that from home!), and I'm going to call around to some daycares (so I cna have the kids right there with me).

Thanks for the advice, ladies! You've all definitely given me something to chew on... I like the idea of getting the boys to draw pictures... One question. Why not get "Children's Aid" involved? Just curious...


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## kaeisme (Jul 31, 2006)

Awww hon, there is nothing that you did or could do that will change anything..It's not about you..even tho he projects these negative insecure things toward you..It has never been and will never be your fault.you can't keep rationalizing his actions with ifs and if onlys..On getting DHS involved ..they have a way of just looking about getting the children out of a potentially dangerous position..they act now and ask questions later...Check out this website..

http://www.ndvh.org/


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## jessiee (Jul 31, 2006)

sproutwings.. you are VERY beautiful. I am SURE you can find someone out there that will treat you 100% better then that mean husband you are with!

See.. hes trying to make you feel bad for stuff that you didnt even do. He's just trying to find any excuse he can get to let his anger out.

He might not be hurting you physically right now, but still, hes hurting you emotionally and he has no right to do this.

Don't let him do that to you, you don't deserve this...


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## VenusGoddess (Jul 31, 2006)

Originally Posted by *hollywood* Because you will never get your kids back and if you do, you are never alone with them. You will also be required to stay in a mental hospital for observation.Also, if your husband is smart, he will call CAS and report something bad about you and that is when you know you are screwed. Even if you are mentally ok. CAS needs a job and this is how social workers get to keep their job. They want to be busy so they make 60,000 grand a year or more. There is a lot of competition out there for them and it is all about promotion and politics for them. Trust me, I know from my job!

Start hiding your money! That is every woman's mistake and not leaving the husband. Jennifer could not explain it any better, that is for sure! Some of those kids end up being criminals (I'm not being harsh, just reality of it) and they just get screwed up.

Look for a job, don't tell your husband the real truth on how much you are making. Hide some of that money and make sure your banking mail is delivered somewhere else. Then look for support and what else you need to do so you won't have problems down the road.

Ummm...well, CAS is different from Family Services here. They will not take the kids away because the mom is trying to get out of an abusive marriage.
BUT, you need to know the family/children laws in your state/city/county. The best way to get that information is by going to a Women's Shelter and asking for more information. These shelters have aids that know everything under the sun...and if they don't know, they can give you the name/number of someone who does.

As for your money...when you start, get your own private checking account. Have the money direct deposited into your account. That way, he cannot take the checks from you. Use that money to pay the bills...groceries...and then take 10% of that money and start socking it away.

Day care for kids is very expensive. If your work hours are going to require you working for a bit longer after they get out of school, encourage them to join after school activities and ask your mom to pick them up from there. For your little guy...maybe finding a "home sitter" (someone who would pick him up from pre-school and watch him/her at home). They tend to be much less expensive than day care centers. Also, some shelters have information on available services to women who need help in order to get out of the abusive home. Those services can be anything from clothing help, job training, to childcare.

If you do not know where a local shelter is, go to your local PD and they will tell you.

Good luck.


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## geebers (Aug 1, 2006)

I want to further add to what everyone else has said... please do not get trapped into thinking there is no way you can leave or that you can't raise your kids alone. There is ALWAYS a way. You just need to pack and go! I can promise you that things will be 100% better for you if you do. For the sake of your kids, please do not stay with this man. He is clearly abusive and will never change, no matter how spotless you get your house. Believe me, I come from a background where divorce is not only against the religion but also a huge social blasphemy - you can lose friends, family, job AND your kids. You are in a country where not only is it possible to divorce but there are millions of options available to you. I am not in anyway trying to make you feel like your situation isn't bad but I just want you to see that you can do it.


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## ivette (Aug 1, 2006)

i'm sorry you're having a horrible day. i would let him "cool off" before i approached

him. when he's in a better state of mind (not so po'd) then i would ask him

whats the problem.

hope this helps

i just read what hersh posted- ditto

it's best to "nip it in the bud" before it gets out of control


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## Shelley (Aug 2, 2006)

Hi sproutwings,

I do not have children nor was I married but I know what domestic abuse is all about. I left a very abusive relationship awhile ago. It is not your fault, even though he will tell you that. Nothing is never good enough for them, no matter how hard you try to please them. They wear you down to the point that your self-esteem is erased. He will never change! They beat you, call you names, then for a few days, maybe a week he is "Mr. Charm' but it doesn't last for long. He continues to hurt you. I found the verbal/emotional abuse to be worse compared to the physical. His favorite line was "If I should ever die (referring to himself) you should end your life because everyone else will see you as a piece of trash." This monster broke my fingers three times, cracked my ribs twice, dislocated my shoulder, three head concussions, cuts, bruises etc. My recent elbow surgery they found alot of scar tissue and I know it is from him hurting my arm. This monster could have killed me 3-4 times, but I survived.

I know it must be difficult when you have children to support, financial needs. But if you leave you will be better off. It will be hard at first, but in the long run you and your children will have your life. Even if has never hit you in front of the children, they will sense the pain you are in, or if they hear him yelling at you, will affect them.

If you phone a women's shelter they will give you really good advice, safety plans etc.

I agree if you get a job, save/hide some money.


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## empericalbeauty (Aug 2, 2006)

No offense, but why dont you leave him?..Shared custody will work well. My mum was in an abusive marrage and trust me, even staying "for the sake of the kids" wasnt much good. You deserve better than some angry man yelling at you and making you feel like shit. if he has been arrested befor, why go back?..You dont want it to turn into something else.

has he ever ...you know..hit you?


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## babydoll1209 (Aug 4, 2006)

Sweetie, there must be reasons that you want to mend your marriage, but everything has its limit, and when you couldn't stand it anymore, you know you are gorgeous and you'll be definitely happy with a new start.



you will have your best decision hun.


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## Kelly (Aug 5, 2006)

Originally Posted by *sproutwings* Jennifer-I am sooo sorry you had to go through that! I'm glad, though, that your mom had the courage to continue doing the right thing without your father! That must have been horrible to go through! I guess I keep holding onto the dream that one day, things will just be perfect, that he'll start being nice to me and stop all the BS. I got a nack account when we were separated and he closed our joint acct., so I have access to a *little* money. I guess I figure since he hasn't hit me/choked me since November, then things must be getting better. I give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel I am not good enough...

Honey, honey, honey....it won't get better. YOu can't ever change him, and it is NOT SOMETHING YOU DID. It's like a disease he has! VERY FEW will ever change or get better....and that is VERY FEW!!!!! Remember it is NOT YOU!!!!....it's him!
Can you stay with your parents or a sibling for a while? Or save up money some how and have your parents or someone hold it for you...so he has no access to it. Honey, staying for the kids is nice...to think of the kids....but actually it's hurting the kids just as much as it's hurting you!!!! You're children will 'feel' the tension and stress, they are darn smart little people.

You should NEVER have to try so darn hard to make him happy....if he isn't happy or you can't make him happy by everything you're doing...and man you are really over working the making him happy thing (don't take it personally)....he is not good for you or your kids.

Figure something out, and work towards it. Don't worry, no court in their right mind would give him the kids with his record. He is sick (literally) and needs help, and even with help (as you said he as taking classes), doesn't sound like it's working.

MHO, I'd leave hon....I know it's hard, but you never know when he really explode....either in front of the kids or not.....heck, are you sure he is ok with the kids when you are not around????

I hate to say this....but it also almost sounds like he's cheating on you. I don't mean to upset you, but with everything you've done, sounds like a classic cheating man as well.


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