# My boyfriend doesn't want to know anymore.



## tasha123 (Oct 19, 2013)

Okay so. I'm 14, yes it's young but I fell pregnant on the 6th September 2013. I was fully protected and didn't know I could get pregnant because of my eating syndrome. The first thing I did was tell my mum and my boyfriend Josh. My mum was very disappointed but very supportiv. Since I told josh he avoids me, declines my calls and generally doesn't want to know anymore. I wonder if it's because of his family's reaction but I'm having a baby and I can't do this by myself. I don't want to be one of those slags with a child who has no clothes no nappys and they aren't in contact with there father. My mother is a nurse and my dad is a lawyer, money isn't the issue, I also work Saturdays and Sundays in my local salon. The point is I've been with Josh 4 years. I want him to have a relationship with his child, even if he doesn't want me. But he just doesn't care, what do I do.?


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## katlyne (Oct 19, 2013)

Welll, you're 14. He's 14. He's wayyyyyy too young to even think about having a kid. You've just started high school and have already ruined your life...my advice is to get rid of the thing before you get ridiculed for being the school slut, that's just what they'll say, not that you are one, but they're going to call you every name in the book. A girl at my school got pregnant when she was 17 and the torment was so bad she had to change schools. She now works at kroger and the father isn't in the picture--even though he was supportive at first


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## kawaiimeows (Oct 19, 2013)

I know this is going to raise a lot of debate. But, unless you are 100% serious about having a LIFETIME commitment to a baby, you probably should not be having one. You need to look in to alternatives, I'm not going to be more specific than that because I know what a hot topic that can be. Having a baby is not something to be taken lightly.

High school kids are harsh and do not react to teen pregnancy nicely, this is coming from someone who saw reactions at my school to girls who got pregnant as teens. Additionally, this is a huge money and time commitment that could have negative repercussions on your education. Guess what? Babys don't work around your schedule, you are on call at all hours of the day. A baby isn't going to care if you have a test, want to hang out with your friends, or wan to buy yourself an outfit. They depend on you and everything they need comes first.

I say this as someone who was born to a 19 year old single mom, you can't force a father to be in a child's life, and it was hard for me to grow up with out a dad until my mom got remarried. It was hard for my mom too because she gave up literally everything to raise me. She gave up school, social life, spending money on herself, everything. Nothing is about yourself after you have a baby, everything becomes about that baby. She did a damn good job, but my point is she sacrificed her whole life, and she's never let me forget that, which is why she's always pushed me to do more with my life than she had the opportunity to.

 You have your whole life to start a family, you shouldn't be trying to make one happen now.


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## HHummel (Oct 19, 2013)

I have a feeling teen pregnancy is handled differently by your location. I live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in the US and teen pregnancy here is common and not so looked down upon. We have tons of programs here for teen mothers, to help them care for their child, and succeed in life. I also think that families have their own morals on this situation. Telling this girl to get rid of it when her family is supportive (and probably don't believe in abortion or adoption) is pretty harsh. She came here needing to vent and gain some advice and insight in her child's father, not to be convinced that she just ruined her life. Honey, yes, your life is going to be harder now. If you and your family made the decision to keep and raise the baby, it's going to be a tough road. But as long as you remain focused, take care of your child, utilize the support of your family, there's no reason why you can't finish high school and go into college. The simple fact that you will be able to stick your child in preschool by that time, and be able to have a full college course load, while they're in school, is pretty decent. Will you miss a lot of the crazy high school and college experiences people get? Probably, because you'll be a mother and have far greater responsibility than your peers. Women are mothers when they find out they're pregnant. Men are fathers when they see their baby for the first time. I hope his parents intend on being involved in their grandchilds life. If he's a good guy, he will eventually come around. Maybe not the way you want him to, but maybe at least some way. This is all fresh still and he's dealing with it pretty immaturely, because, well, he's a kid. Give it time and good luck to you.


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## kawaiimeows (Oct 19, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *HHummel* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

I have a feeling teen pregnancy is handled differently by your location. I live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in the US and teen pregnancy here is common and not so looked down upon. We have tons of programs here for teen mothers, to help them care for their child, and succeed in life. I also think that families have their own morals on this situation. Telling this girl to get rid of it when her family is supportive (and probably don't believe in abortion or adoption) is pretty harsh. She came here needing to vent and gain some advice and insight in her child's father, not to be convinced that she just ruined her life.

Honey, yes, your life is going to be harder now. If you and your family made the decision to keep and raise the baby, it's going to be a tough road. But as long as you remain focused, take care of your child, utilize the support of your family, there's no reason why you can't finish high school and go into college. The simple fact that you will be able to stick your child in preschool by that time, and be able to have a full college course load, while they're in school, is pretty decent. Will you miss a lot of the crazy high school and college experiences people get? Probably, because you'll be a mother and have far greater responsibility than your peers.

Women are mothers when they find out they're pregnant. Men are fathers when they see their baby for the first time. I hope his parents intend on being involved in their grandchilds life. If he's a good guy, he will eventually come around. Maybe not the way you want him to, but maybe at least some way. This is all fresh still and he's dealing with it pretty immaturely, because, well, he's a kid. Give it time and good luck to you.
She solicited advice and that's what she got, whether you agree with the advice or not, which is why is disclaimed what I had to say with "I know this is going to raise a lot of debate."

As someone who was raised in a major metropolitan area by a single teen mom, I know it isn't easy, regardless of how idealistic your perspective on it is.


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## HHummel (Oct 19, 2013)

> She solicited advice and that's what she got, whether you agree with the advice or not, which is why is disclaimed what I had to say with "I know this is going to raise a lot of debate." As someone who was raised in a major metropolitan area by a single teen mom, I know it isn't easy, regardless of how idealistic your perspective on it is.


 Mmmm...k. I'm not trying to start a debate here. I am obviously the other perspective of the commenters, which is the only reason I threw in my opinion to add a little variety into the mix. We all have opinions especially in a hot topic such as this. It's cool. Keep calm. Relax.


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## saycrackagain (Oct 19, 2013)

I'm amazed at how many high schoolers are cruel to the pregnant teens. If you're NOT having sex you're made fun of and pushed to. Especially by the time you're 17! But then the natural consequences of it cause torment!? What it the world??


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## dressupthedog (Oct 19, 2013)

> I'm amazed at how many high schoolers are cruel to the pregnant teens. *If you're NOT having sex you're made fun of and pushed to. Especially by the time you're 17! *But then the natural consequences of it cause torment!? What it the world??


 I don't think this is true at all.


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## kawaiimeows (Oct 19, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *bellatrix42* /img/forum/go_quote.gif


I don't think this is true at all.
Maybe it depends on the social circle. But my group of friends were extremely harmless and not catty at all, so even when my friends or I were in relationships, talks of sexual related acts would get brought up, but nobody ever pressured anyone else to do anything. There weren't any "mean girls" (for lack of a better term) in my life personally, but I wouldn't doubt that they exist....somewhere.


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## dressupthedog (Oct 19, 2013)

> Maybe it depends on the social circle. But my group of friends were extremely harmless and not catty at all, so even when my friends or I were in relationships, talks of sexual related acts would get brought up, but nobodyÂ ever pressured anyone else to do anything. There weren't any "mean girls" (for lack of a better term) in my life personally, but I wouldn't doubt that they exist....somewhere.


Oh, I'm sure you're completely right. But I don't think it's a "thing" at most high schools to be stigmatized for not having sex even though it might be in some social circles. Of course, I could be completely wrong and just be naive about the subject, but I'm basing my statement on my experiences and conversations with people from all sorts of places.


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## kawaiiwoofs (Oct 19, 2013)

That pressure wasn't an issue where I went to school. But the one or two students who became pregnant during high school were definitely the talk of our small, all girls school even though the community as a whole was fairly supportive. This is an incredibly tough decision and situation. Do you know if his parents are aware? That's so wonderful that your parents are being supportive but you need to evaluate your options and what you ultimately think will be best for you in the long run -- with your capabilities and your limitations in mind. I think I would ensure that his family is aware of the situation and maybe they will give some sort of support. You can't force anyone into a relationship though - with you or the child - as much as you may want that to happen, unfortunately.



> Oh, I'm sure you're completely right. But I don't think it's a "thing" at most high schools to be stigmatized for not having sex even though it might be in some social circles. Of course, I could be completely wrong and just be naive about the subject, but I'm basing my statement on my experiences and conversations with people from all sorts of places.


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## saycrackagain (Oct 20, 2013)

> I don't think this is true at all.


 I went to school in a very religious community, and even then, when I was 14 we were discussing baby names in class and I said I don't want to have kids. This guy yelled out really loud, "you're just afraid to have sex!" It was humiliating, but that's the way it was. I was actually happy to have transferred there because the girls I hung out with at my old school were passing out drunk and letting guys try stuff on them at 13 and going down at 14. I was glad because if I had stayed there I would have been pulled into all that or been ostracized. One of those girls was talking with another girl about what a big deal it was that she graduated high school virginal since so many others didn't. Please don't reply to this, I don't like thinking about all this.


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## tasha123 (Oct 21, 2013)

Thanks for all your support guys. But to be honest, I couldnt care less if I'm the heat of conversation for getting pregnant. I was with the boy 4 years. I know it's young but unfortunately most of my friends aren't virgins either. I understand I will get those people who will look down at me and think 'Ew teen mum' But yeah, you can call me young and say I dont know what I'm going on about, but I realise the most important thing in my life will be my child. I know my life will be a hell of a lot different when the time comes. It will be extremely difficult I'm aware. But I won't be on my own, I have my family of my own  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> who are willing to support me through every move I make, I just wanted josh to understand too. But if he can't, then I guess it's not the end of the world, I managed all my life without a dad, my stepdad I call my real dad. I guess I didn't want my baby ending up like I did.


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## slinka (Oct 22, 2013)

Alright Ms. Tasha, I'm going to give you some real world advice, from a woman who had her first at 15. I'm 24 now, married, working on a second bachelors degree. Need more insight? Came from an abusive home, drugs from age 8, ed, and not-so-financially-great parents. I'm only going to address your concern about him being involved- you can decide how hard you want your life to be (Luckily your situation seems better than mine was!)

My first child's father was my first real bf, but when I got pregnant I wasn't really with him. I was between guys. Y'know, cause I didn't care about my life at all. I would've been happy to die, my home life was that bad. Anywho, he actually expressed interest in the child...but wanted to be with me too. I couldn't stand him at that point. Even though he said he "wanted" to be in her life, he really made no attempt to grow up. (He is 2 yrs older than me, btw) Know what? He still doesn't.  Wanna know what happened after the baby was born? He fled the goddamned state. For 5.5 years. No one knew where he was...he had nothing to his name, etc. He just vanished into the oil fields somewhere (apparently). His mom filled me in when he came back to TX, and I notified the child support people who had my case open on him for years. Got him into court so fast, it was amazing. He had the audacity to say, when the mediator said he had to have supervised visitation because the child didn't even know who he was, "But I'm a GOOD dad!" And then, when the mediator told him he was liable for four years worth of Child support based on minimum wage and owed around $12,000, he proclaimed, like the dumbfuck he is, "Well...I don't know, that sounds like a lot of money..." What the mediator said, "Sir, children cost a lot of money. You'd know that had you been involved." In the mediation, I literally had to say maybe a yes and a no, nothing else, since the dunce made himself out to show his intelligence.

In my opinion, you should do what I did (do):
-Leave the lines of communication open. If he wants to be a part of the baby's life, let him, assuming there is no history of drugs or violence that should make you scared for the baby's well-being. If there is a safety issue, get it worked out legally.

-Open a child support case. I don't care if money's not an issue (Keep in mind it's not your money...you're parent's shouldn't have to pay for your child once you can manage a job, imo.) Opening a case gets everything in order- he needs to be responsible monetarily for this baby when he can get a job. Know what else setting up child support does? It establishes paternity and visitation rights...just in case you two start to not get along so well, everything is set in stone legally. Although I am speaking from a US point of view, I don't know where you are. If you are in the US, a lot of states are requiring child support be set up to use Medicaid. Either way, if he isn't going to be there physically, the least he should have to do is provide some monetarily. I know a lot of young moms are like, "I don't NEED/WANT his money...I'm not in it for the money!" Fine- you don't need the money for diapers and the like? Set up a god damned college fund with it. I hate hearing people say that stuff, obviously.

-Know that you can't make him be a dad, and accept that he may very well fall into the "deadbeat daddy." It's his fault, his choice- so don't be too hard on yourself. If you're going to accept being a young mother like this, you need to understand that most times the child-father can't be relied upon, and you will have to be mom and dad. Upon accepting a child so young- you HAVE to come to terms that you will likely be alone in the endeavor, but at least it sounds like you have family support. So this "I can't do it alone" mentality has got to stop, sorry if it sounds harsh, but if you're going to succeed, you have to change that mentality.

-Even if he never comes around to being a dad, do not speak ill of him in front of your child. That does nothing but hurt what relationship he could establish at a later date and it hurts your child mentally. I know you may not be at that point where you think ill of him...but if he keeps on like this, you will. Trust me- a few nights of dealing with a screaming newborn alone at 3AM while you're in pain from just giving birth will be the start of some really hateful thoughts towards the absent party. If he never comes around, the child will form an opinion for his/herself, and you'll have to be there to comfort and help the child understand that it's not their fault. This is a very trying subject when they are older, and you'll have to be woman enough to bite your tongue and not paint a horrible picture of the guy.

And here's a tip for yourself- Yeah, you're going to be judged for a long, long time. Possibly forever. But it doesn't matter. You have to build yourself up and realize your worth, the child's worth and what steps you must take to prove that you're not some stupid airhead teen mom and to give that child the best life you can. You want to finish high school? Do it. I graduated a year early- for the scholarship money and cause I hated the place. You want a college education? Go get it. I've almost got my second degree. I finished my first bachelor's in 2010. I had to work 3 jobs at one point, but I did it.  YOU have to prove them wrong, and you have to want it, because it. is. hard.

The point of the comparisons? I want you to realize your blessings (for lack of a better word, I'm not religious) and realize that if someone coming from such a crappy background can accomplish these things, then you can too- with a LOT of hard work.

And I hope my advice/insight will help you some. I've been where you are, so I hope that maybe you'll trust it. Good luck young lady. I hope he comes around to his baby.


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## kawaiimeows (Oct 22, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *tasha123* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Thanks for all your support guys. But to be honest, I couldnt care less if I'm the heat of conversation for getting pregnant. *I was with the boy 4 years.* I know it's young but unfortunately most of my friends aren't virgins either. I understand I will get those people who will look down at me and think 'Ew teen mum' But yeah, you can call me young and say I dont know what I'm going on about, but I realise the most important thing in my life will be my child. I know my life will be a hell of a lot different when the time comes. It will be extremely difficult I'm aware. But I won't be on my own, I have my family of my own




who are willing to support me through every move I make, I just wanted josh to understand too. But if he can't, then I guess it's not the end of the world, I managed all my life without a dad, my stepdad I call my real dad. I guess I didn't want my baby ending up like I did.
four years is nothing in teenage years, how can you say you had a serious relationship at ten years old? twelve years old even?

but honestly, the most troubling thing about this situation is the "eating syndrome" you vaguely mentioned. whatever you have going on, your body needs to be 100% healthy if you plan on carrying a baby, especially if you didn't think you were healthy enough to get pregnant to begin with. if it's something serious, you need to see a doctor about it and make sure you're getting the proper vitamins.


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## slinka (Oct 22, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *kawaiimeows* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
  four years is nothing in teenage years, how can you say you had a serious relationship at ten years old? twelve years old even?

but honestly, the most troubling thing about this situation is the "eating syndrome" you vaguely mentioned. whatever you have going on, your body needs to be 100% healthy if you plan on carrying a baby, especially if you didn't think you were healthy enough to get pregnant to begin with. if it's something serious, you need to see a doctor about it and make sure you're getting the proper vitamins.
I was assuming doctor's care was a given- but if it's not- yes, Kawaii is absolutely right- go get as healthy as possible for that child. Her parent's should be making her see a doctor whether she wants to or not, since they're supporting her decision to keep the baby.

I can only assume she means eating disorder, and got down to the point of Amenorrhea. I surely hope she's gotten help for it if that is the case.


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## kawaiimeows (Oct 22, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *slinka* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
  I was assuming doctor's care was a given- but if it's not- yes, Kawaii is absolutely right- go get as healthy as possible for that child. Her parent's should be making her see a doctor whether she wants to or not, since they're supporting her decision to keep the baby.

I can only assume she means eating disorder, and got down to the point of Amenorrhea. I surely hope she's gotten help for it if that is the case.
Definitely this. My biggest concern was that going to an OBGYN for pre-natal might not necessarily ensure that she's getting treated for whatever eating disorder is going on, since I have no idea from the facts whether it's documented or not, for all we know she hasn't told anyone but stopped having periods.


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## slinka (Oct 22, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *kawaiimeows* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
  Definitely this. My biggest concern was that going to an OBGYN for pre-natal might not necessarily ensure that she's getting treated for whatever eating disorder is going on, since I have no idea from the facts whether it's documented or not, for all we know she hasn't told anyone but stopped having periods.
Yep! If her period had stopped (Since we are merely speculating, lol) her bmi should be at a point where a (well, a good one) doctor should most definitely be concerned.


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## meaganola (Nov 24, 2013)

My one piece of advice: Do everything Auntie slinka says. And I mean *everything*. I've never been a single mom or even pregnant, but I have many friends who were (and I did briefly go out with a guy who turned out to have fathered THREE babies before he was seventeen, so I've seen the kind of judgment involved on the part of the kind of guy who is a serial teenaged parent) and if you distilled all of their experiences down, you would get her list.


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## slinka (Nov 25, 2013)

Quote: Originally Posted by *meaganola* /img/forum/go_quote.gif

My one piece of advice: Do everything Auntie slinka says. And I mean *everything*. I've never been a single mom or even pregnant, but I have many friends who were (and I did briefly go out with a guy who turned out to have fathered THREE babies before he was seventeen, so I've seen the kind of judgment involved on the part of the kind of guy who is a serial teenaged parent) and if you distilled all of their experiences down, you would get her list.
Dang- that dude was busy. lol

And thanks- I hope she saw these posts and took the advice- I assume she just made the account to post that dilemma. Hope she's alright.


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