# Troubled at work!!!



## lavender (Jul 2, 2010)

A new guy joined my company about 3 months ago. And we sit next to each other. We both work on computers all day. I hardly know him, but we chat for like 5-10mins each day, just talking about random stuff like weekend plans and the weather and stuff.

One monday, he told me "I've been happily married for 15 years, I love my wife, but I couldn't stop thinking about you this whole weekend". I didn't know how to react because I was totally shocked! It's been years since anyone has flirted with me like this since I got married. But he knew he was wrong. He knew that he was being inappropriate at the workplace. But he didn't stop. He kept telling stuff like this for the next 2 weeks. He would write little notes and pass to me that said "I missed you very much yesterday"...more than anything, i was shocked that this guy was behaving like he was in high school! And it is not in my nature to tell someone to shut up. I just tried putting up with it, although my actions were showing him that what he was doing was wrong.

One say I couldn't take anymore and just stopped talking to him. He could sense that it was because of this issue. It's been a few days since I stopped talking to him. Now he doesn't bother me with such nonsense anymore. But I feel VERY uncomfortable sitting there all day next to him. I don't know if I should just put up with it for a while and hopefully things will get normal between us, or should I talk to my manager to at least get my desk changed so that I don't have to sit silently next to this guy? I would still have to maintain a professional attitude with this guy since the nature of my job involves working with him sometimes.

I work with a lot of men. A lot of men flirt, but in a more humorous kind of way, nothing that is serious. But this guy is just too creepy, and I hardly even know him! How should I handle this?


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## divadoll (Jul 2, 2010)

Creepy isnt the 1/2 of it. There are policies at work about this, its called Sexual Harassment. This encompasses stuff like this, they don't have to touch you, they don't have to say anything dirty to you, they just have to look at you in an uncomfortable way or imply inappropriate subjects. Your work environment should be a safe one and some place where you feel comfortable. I would have a discussion with your manager. If this happened to you, who else is this person saying this stuff to? It is inappropriate behaviour. You spend more time at work than you do at home so you need to feel safe and respected while you are there.


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## Ingrid (Jul 2, 2010)

If he has stopped, why are you still uncomfortable? is it because he keeps looking at you or is it just that its awkward after what happened? If he isn't doing anything thats crossing the line or staring at you to the point that you can't concentrate on your work then yes go tell the manager or switch your desk, or else just ignore it, after all it is a workplace and you are not there to make enemies. By telling the manager or having your desk change, it could worsen the situation and make things even more awkward for both of you. Give it some time, if he is not bothering you anymore then forget it, wait and see what happens next.


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## divadoll (Jul 2, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif If he has stopped, why are you still uncomfortable? is it because he keeps looking at you or is it just that its awkward after what happened? If he isn't doing anything thats crossing the line or staring at you to the point that you can't concentrate on your work then yes go tell the manager or switch your desk, or else just ignore it, after all it is a workplace and you are not there to make enemies. By telling the manager or having your desk change, it could worsen the situation and make things even more awkward for both of you. Give it some time, if he is not bothering you anymore then forget it, wait and see what happens next. Everyone has to take an ACTIVE part in making a good workplace. If you just ignore it and hope it'll go away, how does this stop him from doing this to someone else? How does this help you feel secure in your workspace? I would research your company's policy on harassment. My work place has a ZERO tolerance on harassment and we are encouraged to take an active part in making it a harassment free workplace. You are not making enemies by trying to correct a wrong done to you. It already is awkward and probably affecting the quality of your work.


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## Ingrid (Jul 2, 2010)

Of course we have the responsibility to make our workplace a safe environment, however I don't think him hitting on her is something as serious as a harassment, he is just acting like an immature little kid. The point is, if he has completely stopped, why make an enemy at work? Everyone deserves the benefit of doubts, just because he did it once, that doesn't mean he would do it again. I think this guy just need a little warning from her to tell him that she is not interested, end it there, no need to take it further to cause drama at work. Unless of course if he is NOT stopping, then do tell.


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## divadoll (Jul 2, 2010)

Someone who does this for 2 weeks really deserves to disciplinary action. Where I work, we hold sessions every year on harassment and respect. We are encouraged to take an active approach. She is not making an enemy but saving someone else from the same treatment in the future. I work in a building where there are 1300+ people, there is no room for that sort of BS. Why should she have to feel uncomfortable or have to ignore anything that she doesn't have to? Its the job of management to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone at any time. Once is 1 too many. If everyone thought its ok or he got the hint or I can just pretend it didn't happen, then how would that ever make it better?

It is obvious that it is bothering her and those words made her feel violated because she is still creeped out about it. Who wants to show up at a place where you get creeped out by the person who sits next to you? I'd be calling in sick alot or I'll be asking to be moved ASAP because it is not acceptible to be spoken to in that way... no in your private life and definitely not at work! I am suggesting this not to hurt him but to protected herself and those that he talks to in this way.

At my workplace, an uncomfortable leer or a off-coloured side-remark or dirty joke overheard by a bystander who becomes offended is termed Harassment. This is subject ot disciplinary action which includes suspension or termination. We get an info session on it EVERY YEAR. If you are being confronted by unsolicited and unwanted sexual remarks is Sexual Harassment. Most companies have strict policies regarding this to pretect the companies from lawsuits.


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## Dragonfly (Jul 2, 2010)

When he started talking to you so casually about his feelings, I would wonder how many other times he has behaved so inappropriately, with other companies.


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## xjackie83 (Jul 2, 2010)

People seem to have a really skewed view of what sexual harassment is. They always think that it has to be something extreme, like a co-worker physically coming onto you or a boss saying he won't promote you if you don't hook up with him. But Divadoll is right, sexual harassment has a very broad spectrum and covers something as simple as a co-worker asking you out. That's why many workplaces do not allow dating amoung co-workers or married couples to work together. Because it can be such a blurry line.

Lavender the most important thing for you to remember is THAT YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Please remember that! I don't think it's right that you should have to work next to this guy when it's making you feel extremely awkward. I would ask your boss to have your desk moved. You could say something as simple as a co-worker has made you feel uncomfortable and you would be more productive if seated elsewhere.

If your boss presses you for an explanation, I would tell what happened. That this co-worker began saying things and passing notes to you. You didn't feel comfortable telling him to stop, you tried ignoring the requests, and now you've had to give him the cold shoulder to stop.

It can be hard and awkward to talk to your boss about this stuff. I know, I've had two jobs where a male co-worker has harassed me. I'm mouthy and stood up for myself by telling them to back off, but when they didn't take me seriously I've had to go to management. It is necessary though and you do not have to put up with it!


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## Adrienne (Jul 2, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Of course we have the responsibility to make our workplace a safe environment, however I don't think him hitting on her is something as serious as a harassment, he is just acting like an immature little kid. The point is, if he has completely stopped, why make an enemy at work? Everyone deserves the benefit of doubts, just because he did it once, that doesn't mean he would do it again. I think this guy just need a little warning from her to tell him that she is not interested, end it there, no need to take it further to cause drama at work. Unless of course if he is NOT stopping, then do tell. I think a person who has been "happily" married for 15 years and casually throws out open invitations to a person they hardly know is the last one to deserve the benefit of doubts. 
Maybe she could just tell management that she wants to for personal reasons and not divulge the full details to avoid further problems at work? Unfortunately the one at the recieving end of sexual harrasment are the ones who get burned the most when they report it.


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## Ingrid (Jul 2, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Maybe she could just tell management that she wants to for personal reasons and not divulge the full details to avoid further problems at work? Unfortunately the one at the recieving end of sexual harrasment are the ones who get burned the most when they report it. Yes that is exactly what I am worried about, usually when something so small like this happens and she goes to tell the management, she will be the one being picked on, laughed at. That's why I said if he has stopped completely, why make this problem even more complicated and messier for both of them? Things will be even more awkward because I doubt the management will fire that guy unless he really is crossing the boundaries.


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## Darla (Jul 2, 2010)

I got to say you need to tell him you don't like him to talk to you this way.

If anything happens beyond point that go see your supervisor.


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## emily_3383 (Jul 2, 2010)

I would probably try to ignore him some more and see if he has gotten over it. If he still persists than I would say something. I would keep the notes as evidence. lol


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## Tyari (Jul 2, 2010)

I would request the seat change. No sense in continuing to make yourself uncomfortable hoping things just go back to normal. I really think something should have been done much sooner because this guy is a creep and his comments were definitely inappropriate, especially for the workplace. Because nothing was said to him and management was not involved, there will be no history of his behavior, if something should happen again to someone else.

You don't have to tell someone to shut up, but telling him that the things he says makes you feel uncomfortable would've saved a lot of time. Even sending him an email and leaving a note for that matter. Just something! Just ignoring it and hoping it will go away is not normally a good idea for any situation.


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## Tyari (Jul 2, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Ingrid* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Of course we have the responsibility to make our workplace a safe environment, however I don't think him hitting on her is something as serious as a harassment, he is just acting like an immature little kid. The point is, if he has completely stopped, why make an enemy at work? Everyone deserves the benefit of doubts, just because he did it once, that doesn't mean he would do it again. I think this guy just need a little warning from her to tell him that she is not interested, end it there, no need to take it further to cause drama at work. Unless of course if he is NOT stopping, then do tell. Cause drama?!?!?!???

Sexual harassment is usually defined as _any_ unwelcome communication that is sexual in nature, including seemingly mild transgressions. He doesn't have to throw her up against a wall or grab something on her body for it to be considered sexual harassment.

I don't think she's the one that made the enemy, he is. And, according to what I read, it was more than just once.


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## divadoll (Jul 3, 2010)

Please stop telling her to ignore it and it'll go away! Not telling makes her the victim again!!! Helpless victim sitting next to some perv that is happily married and firing invitations out like no tomorrow!

Research your company's policies on sexual harassment and you'll find that the company is on your side in preventing or stopping these actions from happening. I am a HUGE advocate of stopping sexual harassment at work!!! Like I said, we do sessions on harassment EVERY year and she is the victim and not the instigator. Please do not think that you are going to make enemies by standing up for what you feel is right and right for you to feel secure at work!

If you think that this type of behaviour should be pertuated, then don't do anything, ignore it and this man will be doing this to someone else at some time. I'm quite disgusted reading advise that is telling someone to ignore these actions and that your coworkers are going to find you the enemy by correcting an injustice done to you. That is crazy! Your managers are instructed to handle this with the utmost tact and respect for the situation. There have been lawsuits regarding sexual harassment complaints that were not handled correctly by the company. I'm pretty sure that your place of work will not be screwing this up.


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## Darla (Jul 3, 2010)

The amount of harassment that is tolerated at any business depends on their policy and their willingness to uphold the law.

I have heard of a number of cases that have gone to trial or employees terminated over this. *Legally you need to tell the guy that these advances are not wanted.* Ignoring him, trying to move away from or anything else is counterproductive. He needs to know this is not wanted and then after that all incidents need to be documented with exact language, date and time along with your responses. A fully documented case means the company cannot ignore you or risk being sued themselves.


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## emily_3383 (Jul 3, 2010)

I live in NYC and I am perfectly trained to ignore weird people. I am stating what I WOULD DO. I dont give advice over the internet because most of the time people read what you write wrong anyways as I have noticed.


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## lavender (Jul 3, 2010)

I appreciate all your responses. I feel like you all understand what I'm going through. I haven't talked to him at all for the last 4 days. It's obvious to him that I'm giving him the silent treatment because of the comments he made. He kept asking if everything is ok, why I'm being so quiet. I just give him quick one word answers and get back to staring at my computer screen or quickly put the earphones in my ear to pretend like i'm listening to music...or worst case, i just get up and start walking to another team member's desk, pretending to ask them a question. He has been observing me doing this for the last few days, but hasn't confronted me about it. I feel like telling him in his face that he has been inappropriate and that is what is causing me to behave like this, but I don't dare to....I know, I'm so vulnerable I can't even defend myself.

But these last few days have been really bad for me at work. I didn't feel comfortable sitting there, I wasn't able to focus on my work, it affected my productivity. I was even afraid to turn my head around since I didn't even want to see the sight of him.

I thought I'll take this long weekend break and see if I feel better. If I still continue to feel uncomfortable sitting next to him on Tuesday, I will talk to my manager about moving desks.


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## emily_3383 (Jul 3, 2010)

I would definitely ask to me moved!


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## divadoll (Jul 3, 2010)

Originally Posted by *lavender* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I appreciate all your responses. I feel like you all understand what I'm going through. I haven't talked to him at all for the last 4 days. It's obvious to him that I'm giving him the silent treatment because of the comments he made. He kept asking if everything is ok, why I'm being so quiet. I just give him quick one word answers and get back to staring at my computer screen or quickly put the earphones in my ear to pretend like i'm listening to music...or worst case, i just get up and start walking to another team member's desk, pretending to ask them a question. He has been observing me doing this for the last few days, but hasn't confronted me about it. I feel like telling him in his face that he has been inappropriate and that is what is causing me to behave like this, but I don't dare to....I know, I'm so vulnerable I can't even defend myself.
But these last few days have been really bad for me at work. I didn't feel comfortable sitting there, I wasn't able to focus on my work, it affected my productivity. I was even afraid to turn my head around since I didn't even want to see the sight of him.

I thought I'll take this long weekend break and see if I feel better. If I still continue to feel uncomfortable sitting next to him on Tuesday, I will talk to my manager about moving desks.

Please tell your manager why you want to move desks as well. I think this is the only way you will get some peace of mind when you know that this situation is going to or is being dealt with to your satisfaction. I am happy that you are making this decision and I'm completely cheering inside (Hurray!!!) It's almost imposssible to avoid someone who sits right next to you, I've tried and it didnt work for me either but it wasn't because he was making improper remarks, we just had an argument involving his work ethics. You don't have to confront that perv in anyway, you just have to tell your manager.


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## perlanga (Jul 8, 2010)

I'm really sorry your going through this and agree on the desk move. A similar situation happened at my last workplace in which a guy was pressuring my friend Kev to have a three way with his him and his girlfriend (weird I know). The situation was sick and he told our supervisor in confidence. She said she was gonna fire the guy, but Kev didn't want him to get fired he just wanted to be left alone, so she moved their desk as far as possible. It did stop. The other thing you can do is tell him to leave you alone. A guy at my work kept flirting with me and I clearly stated I was not interested and he stopped.


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