# Trouble with my ex :( It's kinda long.



## Lafawnduh (Nov 4, 2006)

Back in September, my ex and I ended our nearly three-year relationship (our anniversary is November 15). Throughout the relationship, I was cheated on, lied to, cut down, told I wasn't that attractive, and he broke so many promises and did so many things that hurt me. For the last 7 months or so of our relationship, he would barely even hug me or kiss me. If I'd try to hug him he would push me away from him. At one time I really was in love with him, but after a while I just had enough. Things were good for the first 5 months, and I spent the next 2 1/2 years giving him time to change. He never did. I realized that he probably never would and I wanted to end it.

Now we are friends. I still care about him very much, and I love him, but I am not *in love* with him anymore. I always thought that if we broke up I would be a complete mess without him. But you know what? * I am much happier now!* It feels so good not to worry about whether or not he is telling the truth, whether or not I am pretty enough for him, if he is going to cheat, if he is going to do bad things behind my back, etc. I don't have to worry about any of that anymore. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I was treated so badly and now I realize how better off I am.

Now, here starts my dilemma. He always wants to get physical and I don't want that. Whenever we are alone he'll try to touch me, especially my boobs and my butt. I keep telling him, "Don't touch me there." When he'll go try to kiss my neck and try to turn me on I tell him, "Stop, I don't want to." I don't want to do those things and I keep resisting and he keeps on trying. He is not violent or pushy about it -- he is very gentle and tender. He acts the way I always wanted him to act while we were together. But now it is too late. He hurt me too many times and I don't to be physical because it will feel too much like I am with him. It doesn't feel right.



He always gets mad or upset because I won't do things with him. He'll throw it in my face, "You don't care about me." "You don't even want me to touch you." Why should I? We aren't a couple anymore. I don't have an obligation to do those things with him anymore. After I turn down the physical things he gets in a very bad mood and will sometimes snap at me. He will get very cocky and he gets kinda mean. I'm so tired of dealing with it. Yeah, I care about him and we have a history. I want him to be a part of my life because he is one of my best friends. I just don't want to be physical and romantic anymore. I don't have the desire to and it just doesn't feel right. *I hate the way he acts when I won't get physical -- I am not doing ANYTHING wrong by turning him down, and he acts like I'm such a jerk or something.*

How do I handle this guy? HELP!

Thanks for reading this.


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## Dragonfly (Nov 4, 2006)

It's great that you can be friends with him, and you realize you aren't in love with him. However, I think you need to put up some boundaries.

First, don't be alone with him so he will try to be physical with you.

This seems to start everything going in the wrong direction.

He seems to be manipulative - tries different ways to get what he wants (from tenderness to bullying to being mean). Finally, he becomes a complete jerk.

Even though you guys are friends, he still must treat you with dignity, respect,

honour, be trust worthy, etc just as all your other friends.

Second boundary: If he doesn't get all that straight, then let him know what the consequences are.


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## blondie36 (Nov 4, 2006)

omg ,my mind was in the gutter ,i thought you meant his (private was long) i know its late, it sounds like your better off without him ,there is some great guys out there that will treat you right ,good luck


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## Aquilah (Nov 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Lafawnduh* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Back in September, my ex and I ended our nearly three-year relationship (our anniversary is November 15). Throughout the relationship, I was cheated on, lied to, cut down, told I wasn't that attractive, and he broke so many promises and did so many things that hurt me. For the last 7 months or so of our relationship, he would barely even hug me or kiss me. If I'd try to hug him he would push me away from him. At one time I really was in love with him, but after a while I just had enough. Things were good for the first 5 months, and I spent the next 2 1/2 years giving him time to change. He never did. I realized that he probably never would and I wanted to end it. Honey, hate to say it, but they don't change! While you realized it too late, at least you did. They might slightly change to some degree, but overall, they stay about the same.
Originally Posted by *Lafawnduh* Now we are friends. I still care about him very much, and I love him, but I am not *in love* with him anymore. I always thought that if we broke up I would be a complete mess without him. But you know what? * I am much happier now!* It feels so good not to worry about whether or not he is telling the truth, whether or not I am pretty enough for him, if he is going to cheat, if he is going to do bad things behind my back, etc. I don't have to worry about any of that anymore. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I was treated so badly and now I realize how better off I am. It's great that you're better off without him, and much happier. It definitely helps you no longer have the worries you had about him cheating or lying to you. You should never have to question whether or not you're good enough for someone either. If they love you, then they love you unconditionally... No matter what! Nothing aside from you as a person should matter, and if he can't appreciate you, then you don't need to be with him anyway!
Originally Posted by *Lafawnduh* Now, here starts my dilemma. He always wants to get physical and I don't want that. Whenever we are alone he'll try to touch me, especially my boobs and my butt. I keep telling him, "Don't touch me there." When he'll go try to kiss my neck and try to turn me on I tell him, "Stop, I don't want to." I don't want to do those things and I keep resisting and he keeps on trying. He is not violent or pushy about it -- he is very gentle and tender. He acts the way I always wanted him to act while we were together. But now it is too late. He hurt me too many times and I don't to be physical because it will feel too much like I am with him. It doesn't feel right. Honestly, it seems to be as though he wants you because he knows he can no longer have you! Men always want what they don't have, and when they have it, they don't want it or don't know what to do with it... I praise you for sticking to your guns about not giving in to him. Keep it up! Hopefully he gets the hint. If not, then you need to steer clear of him, or not be left alone with him. You never know when this could become a bigger issue and him TRY to get what he wants. I'm not sure this would happen, but you never know.
Originally Posted by *Lafawnduh* *He always gets mad or upset because I won't do things with him.* He'll throw it in my face, "You don't care about me." "You don't even want me to touch you." Why should I? We aren't a couple anymore. I don't have an obligation to do those things with him anymore. After I turn down the physical things he gets in a very bad mood and will sometimes snap at me. He will get very cocky and he gets kinda mean. I'm so tired of dealing with it. Yeah, I care about him and we have a history. I want him to be a part of my life because he is one of my best friends. I just don't want to be physical and romantic anymore. I don't have the desire to and it just doesn't feel right. *I hate the way he acts when I won't get physical -- I am not doing ANYTHING wrong by turning him down, and he acts like I'm such a jerk or something.*
How do I handle this guy? HELP!

Thanks for reading this.

You shouldn't want him touching you if it doesn't feel right, nor do you HAVE to let him touch you! True, you were once together, but you're not now. You have no obligations to him, nor does he have any to you. There's no point in playing tit-for-tat, but if need be, point out to him what happened throughout the relationship. Let him know you owe him nothing... Not even your friendship... Sometimes it's best to cut all ties rather than a few. Boundaries should definitely be put up as to what is and what isn't acceptable. If he can't hang, then oh well! Too bad so sad for him! You could be 100% better off without him in your life at all as opposed to just being a good friend. Not to mention, if he truly cares about you, then he'll respect your wishes and your feelings!
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've been in this situation before, and it just ended up making things worse in the long run. While my ex and I are friends now, it took about a good two years after we broke up to even be in the same ROOM as one another... Which is hard when you live together (long story there)! I wish you luck in everything... Hope I helped some, and if not, I'm sure you'll get great advice from someone else!


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## emily_3383 (Nov 4, 2006)

end the "friendship".


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## Tina Marie (Nov 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *emily_3383* /img/forum/go_quote.gif end the "friendship". Totally agree! He is going to keep pushing the physical stuff with you until he gets what he wants.. then HE'll end the "friendship".. I think it's time to cut him loose, you deserve way better!


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## han (Nov 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *emily_3383* /img/forum/go_quote.gif end the "friendship". i totally agree i was in a simular relationship befor and i left and NEVER look back you just have to cut ties with him he didnt respect you when you were together hes NOT respecting you now when you say no and on top of that he gets an attitude and honestly he is not your friend at all or he would treat you with more respect


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## VenusGoddess (Nov 4, 2006)

Think of it this way...what kind of friends do you want? The kind that don't respect your boundaries or opinions...the kind that constantly try to molest you (that's what he's doing...whether he was an ex or a current boyfriend). Would you want to be friends with someone who cannot take "NO" for an answer? Your situation is very concerning in the fact that you constantly choose to put yourself into a situation in which you could easily get raped. Not good.

In my personal, humble, and honest opinion...I do not think that ANYONE should be friends with an ex for at LEAST 1/2 of the time that they were together. So, if you were together for 3 years, then after you break up, you should not talk to, see, etc your ex for at least 1 1/2 years. This gives you time to heal, decompress, and get on with your life...and then if you decide to make contact again after that year or so...you can do it with a more 'clean' mind.

As much as you want to believe that this guy is a friend...he's not. At least, he's not my definition of what a friend would be.

Drop him and start taking care of yourself for a change. You deserve it. You took the hardest step and that was getting out of the relationship...now its time to completely let him go and move on with the good things in your life.


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## jennycateyez (Nov 4, 2006)

def drop him for now. maybe later on u guys can be real friends but not right now escp since he doesnt respect you.


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## pinkbundles (Nov 5, 2006)

my one and only advise for you is to cut him lose from this so-called "friendship". exes who stay friends with you tend to want to be given special treatment or other benefits. it's ridiculous!


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## bluebird26 (Nov 5, 2006)

I'd cut any kind of relationship with him.


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## jessimau (Nov 5, 2006)

I recommend ending the "friendship" too. I know how hard it is to turn away from someone you consider to be one of your best friends, but the say he's acting, he's not being a friend to you. My ex was my best friend before we got together, and he still understands me on a level no one else does because we're so similar in some ways, but to this day I cannot spend too much time alone with him or he'll start trying to get me in bed. Not physically, but he starts playing on my emotions. We broke up 10 years ago!! With exes, it really is better to be away from them for a while. As some of the other ladies have expressed, his constant physical attempts concern me a little too...especially if he was emotionally abusive, it could turn into physical confrontation at some point. Be careful and, if you feel you can't lose the friendship, don't be alone with him at all.

Another thought, maybe part of the reason you're doing better than you thought is because you still have contact with him, so it's not like you've lost him completely? If so, better to cut him out now and get 100% over him and move on to a better life without him.


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## StrangerNMist (Nov 6, 2006)

Originally Posted by *emily_3383* /img/forum/go_quote.gif end the "friendship". I agree, it's time to let go of him completely.


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## Angl Baby (Nov 6, 2006)

End your friendship with.


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## mintesa (Nov 6, 2006)

I agree with ending the friendship.

I mean is that really what a best friend is? I dont think so.


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## dlwt2003 (Nov 6, 2006)

Guys are so weird, but I think its alot like when you wanted him he didnt want you and now its you are not interested in him you become the challenge. To me dont let him disrespect you at all, he gets cozy, say no and mean it.


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## geebers (Nov 6, 2006)

Im with the majority. END this. What kind of a friendship do have with this guy anyway??? I mean exactly what purpose does he serve but to remind you of how he treated you when you dated him. And he isn't even a friend so why do you bother having him in your life??? I don't get it. The answer is simple. Get rid of him. He serves no role in your life anymore. You already got this far by getting over him. So now finish the task and get rid of him.


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## Lafawnduh (Nov 7, 2006)

Thank you so much for all of your advice and words, I really appreciate it! I have talked about this with one of my best friends also and she said it would be a good idea to cut off all ties with him. Another person I spoke to about this mentioned that my ex doesn't respect me--I tell him NO and he shouldn't keep trying.

It's such a confusing situation, or at least I make it that way. I feel guilty when I hurt other people (even if it's not deliberate) and I tend to repeat it over and over again to try to find the answers.

Thank you so much again everyone.


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## Leony (Nov 7, 2006)

Originally Posted by *mintesa* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I agree with ending the friendship.I mean is that really what a best friend is? I dont think so.

I agree.


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## empericalbeauty (Nov 7, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Lafawnduh* /img/forum/go_quote.gif . 

He always gets mad or upset because I won't do things with him. He'll throw it in my face, "You don't care about me." "You don't even want me to touch you."

whenever he says something like this again just give him a resounding "No shit, babycakes. Did I ever care about you? You dished it now its my turn to dish some of that cold meal out"


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## StrangerNMist (Nov 7, 2006)

Originally Posted by *empericalbeauty* /img/forum/go_quote.gif whenever he says something like this again just give him a resounding "No shit, babycakes. Did I ever care about you? You dished it now its my turn to dish some of that cold meal out" Oh man, that would be friggin' hilarious! The best part would be seeing his mouth fly open!


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## selene (Nov 8, 2006)

You know that saying? "With friends like that, who needs enemies?"


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