# Now What?



## Killah Kitty (Sep 18, 2008)

I almost feel embarased talking about this but I need advice?

I just found out my BF of 2 and a half years slept with another girl a few months ago. We were on a break at the time because we were having problems. It was just after our 2 years anniversary. I didn't know until 2 days ago. Anyway she invited him to her house and he was all for it.

I am really questioning how much I mean to him...

I know you will all say why haven't I left him already... ok well here is a little background info... back in 2006 I also cheated on him... twice. I ended up telling him in March 2008 and thats when he said he needed a break and went and did that. Was he trying to get back at me?

Either way I know cheating just isn't right. Our relationship has gotten really messy. He decided to be with me though, after I cheated on him. I feel really betrayed though, because I thought after 2 years he would think more of me and not act like that even if we are taking a break. When I cheated on him our relationship was still new and meant very little.

Anyway, since he forgave me and we had moved on, I want to do the same for him, but would that make me an idiot and set me up for the same thing? We are so happy together when everything is fine. If we have been so unfaithful to each other, doesn't that raise some red flags? I think its worse what he did was relatively recent, a lot more recent than anything I have done.

I have a feeling he thinks very little of me, of us. And as happy as I am/have been with him, I am obviously having a lot of doubts I feel just like this too




Im pretty mad obviously. Should I just let it slide because he let it slide for me? And all he has been saying to me since I confronted him about it is that he is sorry, he will never do it again, he loves me, I mean everything to him etc.

I know it sounds like a bunch of crap but when I told him about when I cheated on him, he too got mad obviously, and I was saying the same things to him... how much I was sorry and how much I loved him. I really meant it though, even though it must have sounded like a bunch of lies. How do I know if he's being honest or not? What should I do? I am really confused and overwhelmed. It seems like karma has come and kicked me in the ass... thanks for reading...


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## speedy (Sep 18, 2008)

Wow. Well firstly, only you know how you really feel. It sounds like you're having doubts about the relationship, so maybe you need to take a bit of time to decide how you really feel about things.

As for him sleeping with the other girl, you were on a break. How did you decide to take the break? Did you decide you were taking time out from each other but you weren't going to see other people? Cause if you didn't, then IMHO he's done nothing wrong.

But, in the same situation I'd be furious too, so I understand where you're coming from.

If you really value the relationship, maybe you could go to couples therapy?

I hope you work it all out soon!


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## pinksugar (Sep 18, 2008)

I have tried so many times to say something that made sense and gave good advice but it's impossible! there are sooo many things going on here, and I don't understand his motivation. Was he getting back at you? just horny and she was available? didn't think much of the relationship and so blew it off somewhat? I don't get it, and I'm sure you feel the same way!

Hun, I think you need to take a huge step back. There is a lot going on here and you need to know if you can forgive him and move on together. You also need to know whether he will do it again, and that will require time but also an understanding of why he did it in the first place, and what cir***stance led to his behaviour. Would it happen again if the same cir***stances arose?

Seriously, take some time for yourself and sift through all of it by yourself. If he runs off with someone during that time you will have your answer. He needs to prove his loyalty to you.

Best wishes chicken! I can only imagine how you must feel!


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## Killah Kitty (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks for the replies so quick!

Yea there truly is a lot going on here. When we took that break we had agreed no seeing other people! We were only taking some time apart to think because we had been fighting a lot. Its hard to remember when I am mad lol. But I know we had agreed no sleeping around.

I think it was a mix of all those things you mentioned Rosie. I feel like he has to prove his love and loyalty to me too. But Id feel awful just saying, we are done! When he forgave me for the same situation, twice. I do love him. Its just so hard because I sounded just like he does now, when I apologized for my behaviour, so maybe he is being honest... I know people change and feelings change, because I am a person that has changed. Honestly the times I cheated on him, it ended up becoming positive for our relationship because I saw how much he really meant to me, and we really learned how to talk things out.

I also feel like I am defending him now when I shouldn't be! I got cheated on.

We are planning on spending a couple days together, then a couple days apart. I don't even know if I can look at him the same.


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## speedy (Sep 18, 2008)

Okay, then if you'd decided you weren't seeing other people, then I'd be seriously questioning the relationship. Like you say, when you cheated you'd only just got together, but now you've been together 2 years and he goes and does that, that's disgusting!

It's probably a good idea to spend a bit of time together and then some time apart. You need to have some time to yourself to think about things, and to decide if you can forgive him. That'll be the difficult part. If you can get over it, then there's hope, but if you can't then there'll be no hope for the relationship.

And really, the fact that he's forgiven you in the past doesn't mean that you have to forgive him. He needs to be willing to prove to you that you can trust him, and he'd have to earn that trust back again.


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## empericalbeauty (Sep 18, 2008)

As much as I am all for compromises, I say go with your first reaction. Dont let it slide because he let it slide for you. That just further deepens things and makes it messier. So what, when he does something bad you let it go on account that when you did the same thing he let it go? You guys should probably get a breather, take it one step at a time and see how things go from there. If he still wants to mess with this girl, then you know that ship has sailed and it is time to move on!


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## Killah Kitty (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks. At least in all honesty I know it was a one night stand so she is not anywhere in his life anymore, and he told me she will never be. It even really disgusts me, honestly. This girl is 4 years older than him, she has a baby, she is chubby, she is not a hot chick in any sense of the word, argh... Makes me feel even worse about myself...

It really is brutal as this girl lives in an apartment building 5 minutes walk up my street! I walk/drive past that damn building everyday and now it makes me so mad to see it...

And yea... its almost like he's trying to make me feel bad/guilty... because he forgave me he automatically thinks I shouldn't be so mad and that I *owe* him a chance, because he did that for me.

I guess Ill have to see how I feel, I dont owe him **** in my opinion. Is there any way I could see, anything I could try, to make him prove his feelings to me? I know actions speak louder than words which is why I'm so concerned. I don't understand why we have been together so long and been so happy together despite fighting, and then we cheat on each other, like why would we do that to each other? Do you think we are subconsciously trying to tell each other something?


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## pinksugar (Sep 18, 2008)

Chicken, in regards to the comment about him making you feel guilty...

He CHOSE to forgive you. Forgiveness does not give you the right to do the same thing to the other person, or to constantly bring it up - that is not forgiveness, that is forcing you to relive your guilt all the time.

He needs to actually forgive you, truly and honestly or it should be over. He did something wrong, and he needs to get that and actually do something about it!

I would tell him that too! It's like, he thinks its ok, because you did it, and he said it was ok when you did? UM, NO!

huggles! see you've got me on my soapbox, LOL


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## speedy (Sep 18, 2008)

I agree with Rosie. And it's not like tit for tat. Just because you cheated doesn't mean that it's okay if he does, and just because he forgave you doesn't mean that you have to forgive him.

I'm not sure how you'd test his feelings for you or make him prove them, I think that would be more about his attitude, if he seems genuinely sorry and he really wants to make things up to you, that would show that he values the relationship. It doesn't sound like he's taking things very seriously though, like Rosie says, it's like he's saying well you did it so I can too.


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## Jinx (Sep 18, 2008)

Eh.

It's a hard one.

Yeah, you cheated on him but before any time and commitment was put into the relationship; he cheated on you after promises were made and time was invested.

I'm not saying it was okay for you and not for him but the situation was slightly different.

Me personally, I would walk away. I just can't see myself getting past something like that, no matter how hard I tried and it will always be hanging in the middle of the relationship, it will always be a taint. 

And that could be what happened with him; he said he forgave because he wanted to forgive but he just couldn't let it go and it had been gnawing away at him all this time and probably always will so the BOTH of you will have this "thing" infecting the relationship.

No matter what, I agree with the suggestion of at least taking a step back and re-evaluating things.


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## Andi (Sep 18, 2008)

If I was in your situation I would just take a step back and give myself time to think about everything for a while before making a decision.

And, IÂ´m gonna raise another point. Please donÂ´t be mad if I say this, but since you said you cheated in 2006, but didnÂ´t tell him until 2 years later...in my eyes that gives him the right to also question you. YouÂ´re absolutely right, cheating in the very beginning of a relationship, and cheating 2 years into it is not the same at all

But, since you kept this from him for such a long time maybe he had doubts about the relationship as well when you did tell him. That didnÂ´t give him the right to cheat on you, but it kinda makes a little sense. Maybe he overreacted/wanted payback...who knows. People arenÂ´t always rational.

I think if I found out my partner cheated on me my first thought would be "IÂ´m gonna get back at you and do the same". Not very smart, and definitely not benefitial to the relationship, but yeah.

IÂ´m obviously more forgiving than most other girls as it seems. I wouldnÂ´t end an otherwhise happy relationship because of a one time mistake.


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## Adrienne (Sep 18, 2008)

Okay, I have been on the end of being cheated and it's the worst feeling in the world. I mean, just heartbreaking horrible and the first thing that went through my mind was revenge. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant within less than 6 months of our wedding vows and I didn't even find out til exactly a year later. To be honest, I did forgive him but it still lingers in my mind and here we are 3 years later and I still haven't worked out all my frustrations with him. I have so much anger and I know it but I really haven't forgiven him for it even though I said I did at the time.

I can understand what your boyfriend was going through. I don't think what he did is right as when you forgive someone you don't seek out to "even the board." If he agreed not to see other people during that break then what he did was completely out of line. I'm guessing that by him cheating he was really trying to get back at you or trying to even it out in his mind so that at least when he thought of you, he'd know he did the same. I know it sounds horrible but I've been tempted to cheat so many times and that's what runs through my mind. I would love to go and make him hurt as much as I'm hurting. I know it's wrong but you really need to think this one out. Have you tried talking to him about it?


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## nanzmck (Sep 18, 2008)

tough situation! But think of the long term ~ can you imagine going through this when you have kids together? (if and when that ever happens)

sometimes the pain of trying to keep it together isn't worth anything in the long run.

maybe you need someone a little more responsible, a little more mature, and someone you don't have a bad history with. (because guys that use the past as a weapon ALWAYS will imo)


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## Dragonfly (Sep 18, 2008)

You can salvage the relationship but it will take some work.

First, leave the girl alone that he was with. He most likely gave her the impression that he was single. Sounds like he used her to me.

Secondly, I am not a fan of taking a break - means different things to different people. This was discussed in another thread.

And whether he purposely had a revenge romp, does it really matter?

He said he wants to be with you now.

If you can't move on and you are full of doubts, you need to ask for an impartial third party to help both you and your boyfriend get past the infidelities and lack of trust you BOTH feel for each other.

Do not ask a friend to help - use a trained counsellor of some kind. If neither of you can get past the betrayal you feel, the trust will never be there.

I strongly feel that without trust, there is no relationship.

And one of my rules - never admit to having fooled around. Nothing good ever comes from being that honest.

Hope things work out for you.


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## Johnnie (Sep 18, 2008)

There's no way in hell I'd stay with my SO if he cheated on me. I also don't believe in breaks. You're either together or you're not. Anyway, if you consider calling what you did in the past 'cheating' then why'd you do it? Why be with someone if you'll betray them. You should've been clear from the beginning that you didn't see the relationship to be as serious as he did. I think you're right about the whole karma thing. Good luck!


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## Killah Kitty (Sep 19, 2008)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It is nice to have some outside insight.

I guess it is a personal thing I just feel caught in the middle. Like Andi said, I don't want to ruin an otherwise happy relationship over a one time thing. Carolyn, I know he used her in a way, I have seen his messages on Facebook, she was very mad at him afterwards, because he told her right off, he told her it was a one night stand and a mistake, and she was pissed. I have a big feeling he was only trying to get revenge. Its horrible but I think its true.

Anyway he has been trying to make it up to me but Im still not sure where his feelings are for sure. I dont want to stay and go through this again!

Its a tough one because I dont want to be alone. He has always been my support and my friend too.

Quote:
Yeah, you cheated on him but before any time and commitment was put into the relationship; he cheated on you after promises were made and time was invested. This is what I am really upset about. Yes I know even when I cheated I shouldn't have, but didn't it mean anything to him after so long? Does it now? I wish I wasn't in this situation!


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## Killah Kitty (Sep 24, 2008)

Well just an update, I haven't called it quits yet. Everyday he is apologizing to me and he pretty much admitted he did it for revenge... he was really embarassed to admit it because he said it was so immature.

Anyway we are trying to keep it together right now. He has been going totally out of his way for me... shopping for work clothes with me, giving me massages, buying me sweets, planning things for my birthday, he deleted his Facebook and gave me his passwords to his email and MSN...so...


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## Ricci (Sep 24, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Killah Kitty* /img/forum/go_quote.gif so... still.. be watchful


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## Andi (Sep 24, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Killah Kitty* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Well just an update, I haven't called it quits yet. Everyday he is apologizing to me and he pretty much admitted he did it for revenge... he was really embarassed to admit it because he said it was so immature.
Anyway we are trying to keep it together right now. He has been going totally out of his way for me... shopping for work clothes with me, giving me massages, buying me sweets, planning things for my birthday, he deleted his Facebook and gave me his passwords to his email and MSN...so...

I have to say I really understand him somehow, that what he did was revenge and he just knew it was stupid, but he did it anyway. Or maybe I just understand his way of thinking cause I would have done the same stupid thing anyways.
My fiancÃ© also offered to give me his passwords to his myspace and e-mail when we were having trust issues. I knew it would not be necessary to actually take advantage of that, but just the offer ment a lot to me

I really hope you and him can work it out!!!


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