# Debate This: TMI On a First Date



## Darla (Mar 27, 2009)

*Debate This: TMI On A First Date*





Posted by: Annika Harris | Filed in: Relationships

1:30PM, Monday March 23rd 2009




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Matchmaker Steven Ward of â€VH1 Tough Loveâ€ says that revealing too much information on a first date can scare a potential partner away. He advises the women not to discuss religion, politics, past relationships, etc. I can see where Steve is going with this advice, but I think itâ€™s more helpful in the long run to get some of these touchy subjects out in the open early. I dated this guy long distance for a few months. He and I would go out when I was in Atlanta. The topic of religion came up one night at dinner. Since he had never discussed religion, Christianity, or going to church, I kind of assumed that none of these things were important to him. Boy was I wrong! We spent the whole night debating Christianity and my lack of faith, while other Bible-thumping patrons gave me dirty looks. We never connected again, and I think that if we had discussed religion earlier in our courtship, we would have realized we werenâ€™t right for each other and would have saved a lot of time. Iâ€™ve learned my lesson now and tend to discuss touchy subjects when I begin dating someone new. But I realize there are pros and cons to this line of thinking. More after the jump.


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## Darla (Mar 27, 2009)

Interesting topic. Can you provide too much infor?


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## Aprill (Mar 27, 2009)

I dont think so (but then again im not dating). Honesty is the best policy and there are some things that I think should be discussed right away. Why allow emotions to get involved, and then they spring something on you like children, psychotic mothers (cough cough), truckloads of sexual partners, and then you are left to decide if you wanna deal with that because now you have feelings, or if you wanna leave and possibly be heartbroken.


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Mar 27, 2009)

i think all those things should be discussed if you are going to enter a serious relationship with someone, but on the first date when you are trying to get to know the person it is proboably not the place. They dont need to know about your huge debt, or penny pinching ways, or if you are in a cult, or what other overwhelming topic of conversation could arise.

while you deffinately need to disclose those things to a partner on the first date it can be a HUGE turn off if you talk about your past relationships. (i know if i was on a date with someone and they were talking about past relationships i would assume that they were not over them and would not pursue a second date)

as april said though there are some things you need to know right away, if they have kids they should share that definately. any highly contagious diseases like SARS, though in that case they should be under quarintine, and if you are looking for something serious or not


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## Adrienne (Mar 27, 2009)

I feel the same way. But aren't these all things that should be discussed in the first couple of dates in the first place? It's not like you have to go with a notepad, pen and set of questions. I assumed these were all natural questions that would come up when you're trying to get to know someone who might possibly be the one. You don't need life stories and casual answers can usually tell you exactly where someone stands on a topic.

I haven't dated in a long time but I figured if I'm dating, then technically I'm searching for someone to settle down with. These are all huge issues that could make or break a relationship so I personally would like to know from the beginning if it's even worth my time or not. I'm surprised that discussing children wasn't on the list with pros and cons. Plus, maybe I'm a little paranoid but my internal alarm sets off if a guy is afraid to discuss certain matters. Why would I want to be with someone who tried to hide who they are and they're preferences from day one? Are they not happy with themselves? Or they hiding something? Are they lying? If I don't like the answers or how he feels about something that I truly care about then the worst thing is that we just don't date anymore.

Just imagine that we never discussed children, I get pregnant and he's pro-choice and I'm pro-life. You can't guess what they other person is thinking. I'd rather know where a person stands after a couple of dates then find out the hard way later.


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## Lucy (Mar 27, 2009)

i think political and religious inclinations are very important. they were one of the first things me and my boyfriend talked about on our first date- luckily he is just as liberal and agnostic (if not completely atheist) as i am. it might sound close minded but i can't date a super religious conservative person. we would just disagree on so many important values that it would be impossible to find any common ground with each other and i'd be constantly pissed off at them.

i think stuff like past boyfriends/sexual history are more 4th or 5th date material. its the worst thing to be sitting on a first date hearing someone moan on about an ex. it's just not cool.


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Mar 27, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I feel the same way. But aren't these all things that should be discussed in the first couple of dates in the first place? It's not like you have to go with a notepad, pen and set of questions. I assumed these were all natural questions that would come up when you're trying to get to know someone who might possibly be the one. You don't need life stories and casual answers can usually tell you exactly where someone stands on a topic.
I haven't dated in a long time but I figured if I'm dating, then technically I'm searching for someone to settle down with. These are all huge issues that could make or break a relationship so I personally would like to know from the beginning if it's even worth my time or not. I'm surprised that discussing children wasn't on the list with pros and cons. Plus, maybe I'm a little paranoid but my internal alarm sets off if a guy is afraid to discuss certain matters. Why would I want to be with someone who tried to hide who they are and they're preferences from day one? Are they not happy with themselves? Or they hiding something? Are they lying? If I don't like the answers or how he feels about something that I truly care about then the worst thing is that we just don't date anymore.

Just imagine that we never discussed children, I get pregnant and he's pro-choice and I'm pro-life. You can't guess what they other person is thinking. I'd rather know where a person stands after a couple of dates then find out the hard way later.

i think you put it very well. i think certian things have to be discusesed before a certian point in the relationships. like what to do about pregnancy and children before you are physicly intimate. and i think all those things shoud be discussed with in the first month. maybe its just me but i cant imagine why some of them would come up on the first date, like how you handle money, or if you want kids or not. though i think some are safe for the first date. like religeon. if you are the same great, and if not you may learn about a new religeon even if you chose to not consider dating a guy.
when i met my current boyfriend he did not tell me till we had been dating a month that he suffered from Bi-polar disorder. I wish he had told me when we first started dating, even though i would of continued dating him non the less. i have a feeling that anything that truely would be a deal breaker would be pretty obvious in there demenor even if it was not asked about directly.


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## Adrienne (Mar 27, 2009)

I agree. All the stuff I mentioned above are things that, for whatever reason should they arise on the first date, I feel like it should be okay to discuss. I don't think people should make it a priority to get these all out of the way asap but I definitely would like to have a vague idea at least of what they think on these subjects after a couple of dates.


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## Darla (Mar 28, 2009)

i dunno don't you think there should at least be a second date first?


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## Dragonfly (Mar 28, 2009)

This is an interesting topic. I have a disability, that I have mentioned on this site a few times.

I am comfortable discussing it here but I am always very nervous to talk about it with anyone I am just getting to know.

If I get involved with someone, I understand that they should know about it.

It's not their right, but it is my responsibility to discuss it eventually.

I am always nervous that it could be use against me or "thrown back in my face" if I am having an off day.

Or the worst case - they break off with me because they can't deal with my disability.

So, I have to trust that my partner will be accepting and kind to me. And I have to trust myself to give someone the chance to do so.

This will not happen on the first date, but eventually.

Hope I'm not off topic...


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## ScarletP3 (Mar 28, 2009)

I feel honesty is foremost when dating someone for the first time. Also, depending on where the conversations lead, would determine what subjects are covered. On the other hand, if there is no real chemistry, then stick with being yourself and keep the conversation on a level that will not offer too much information.


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## HairEgo (Mar 28, 2009)

Agreed all things should be discussed but if im on a first date with a man and he starts asking how many sexual partners I've had and how much money I make there def wouldnt be a second date. First dates are for 'light fluff' not heavy topics.


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## Ozee (Mar 28, 2009)

too much thinking lol.. a 1st date should be just that

I think when your on the date you can gauge wether or not its appropriate to be discussing the sexual and emotional things. I myself think that is a little too intense for a 1st date. I also think that if sex is brought up the other person may get the wrong idea and think your suggesting it.

Its great to have a bit of seriousness of course, with my husband we talked about things ranging from favourite foods and movies to wars and politics.


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## Johnnie (Mar 28, 2009)

If certain topics are IMPORTANT to you then I think the first couple of dates they should be talked about.


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## magneticheart (Mar 28, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Johnnie* /img/forum/go_quote.gif If certain topics are IMPORTANT to you then I think the first couple of dates they should be talked about. Yeah I think that pretty much sums it up.If something is so important that it could potentially change your relationship with a person then I think it needs to be discussed sooner rather than later.


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## Adrienne (Mar 30, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Darla* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i dunno don't you think there should at least be a second date first? Oh yea of course. I just feel that if they come up by chance, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. And by chance, I do not mean outright asking for example "Hey how much money do you make in a week?" LOL


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## magosienne (Mar 30, 2009)

If the conversation leads to one of these sensitive topics, then i think honesty is a quality not a flaw, and i don't trust myself to be something else than myself. Also leaves an honorable way out before feelings are involved.

But i think there will be other dates to discuss this, so better keep the first lightly spirited and enjoyable.


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