# Are men really that CLUELESS and apathetic?



## blueangel1023 (Mar 31, 2008)

So I've been seeing this guy for the past couple of months. He's been in the Air Force for 3.5 yrs but his tour is over and he's relieved of his duties. He moved back to his neighborhood which is 15 mins from my house. We were talking online for the past couple of wks before we met. He took me out to dinner and he seemed like a nice guy. He knows how to keep the convo casual and not go overboard with 20 questions. He didn't bore me in the slightest or make himself seem like the better man (or so I thought) Anywho, the 2nd time we met up he asked if I wanted to watch a movie over his place. I figured what's the worst that can happen? I mean, his parents are home so if he tried anything funny I could cry bloody murder. I went to a party prior so I was quite tipsy that night, and we ended hooking up






Well, this has been going on the past couple of months. Me crashing over his place most of the time. Anyway, what irked me is the fact that he never once asked me out to the movies or dinner anymore. What used to be phone calls turns into txt'ing now. When he does make plans, he usually cancels at the last minute. Obviously, in the beginning I sort of made it clear that I don't want to be in a relationship cuz I'm not ready for it. He said "ok" as if he understood and decided not to pressure me into being exclusive...However, I don't think that should exclude me from hanging OUT together, aside from just hanging IN his house.

I realized that now I'm sick and tired of this. I'm the one to blame since I put myself in this situation. I said I didn't want a relationship, but sometimes it's just nice to have someone ask you out for dinner and to the movies. Is that so hard to ask for? Hell, you can take me shopping to K-mart for all I care! It just feels like he doesn't have any consideration for my feelings at all. During Valentine's day, I had guy friends wishing me Happy V-day and even sent flowers. I received nothing from him. He's in the police academy right now and in 2 yrs he'll graduate to join the NYPD. He said he's been swamped...he apologized it slipped his mind. Who the hell forgets about V-day? I admit I do hate the holiday...but damn, can I even get a phone call to say "what's up?" Ok, I forgave him on that. Maybe it did slip his mind, or perhaps he just didn't care. I figured I'll give him another chance. 2 more strikes and he's out.

Fast Forward...

I know in some cases people don't have privacy in their houses...but it irked me his dad barged in the room at 8am asking his son if he wanted a turkey sandwich? Wtf, I'm like half naked in bed. Can someone get a little bit of privacy??! And that wasn't the 1st time his dad barged in...lol. I'm willing to let that go a bit. I feel like his parents still baby him. But c'mon, you're 23! I think you're entitled to PRIVACY. I know in my house when my door is closed you're expected to knock. Most of the time my parents leave me alone when my bedroom door is closed.

Also I noticed they way he talks has changed. I don't know what the police academy teaches them in there, but I feel like he's not even the same. His sense of humor is humorless...It's even drier than the Sahara desert. When he does talk, it seems like his job is his priority. I know I'm not his gf or what not, but everyone knows that a girl needs some type of attention. Me being a Libra, I definitely thrive on being the center of attention, so if I'm not receiving any, I will be PISSED off.

So yesterday I did some long thinking...I decided to call it quits. I deleted him off myspace...lol. Funny how he claims to be busy yet the next day I get a txt saying "Why did you delete me off your friends list?" So I said "I feel that we shouldn't waste each other's time" to which he replied "that's harsh. My friend wanted to see a pic of you, but you weren't on there. So you don't want to see my anymore? It's cool if you don't want to, I understand. I won't be mad"

I don't even know what to say to that. I just left the convo as it is. I really don't think there's anything to salvage...lol, I should quit while I'm ahead. I believe no matter how many confrontations it takes, you can't change a person. Of course they're going to keep apologizing for the mistakes, but then you're back to square one. Especially when he's dedicated to his job...It's ALWAYS his job first. If anyone has any advice or comments on this, do tell. I insist.

Oh, and thanks to whomever took the time to read this crap...cuz I just realized this is hella long! lol


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## Dragonfly (Mar 31, 2008)

To begin with, you really paint a great picture!

If you see this guy again, don't expect him to behave any differently.

The acorn doesn't fall far from the mighty oak:

If his father barges in own you and shows you such poor regard, you gotta know that he doesn't know how to treat woman with much respect.

Take a look at his dad - in 20 years your boyfriend is going to be the very same.

If you are looking for advice, dump the guy.

And the next time you get involved with someone, be very clear about what you want. If he tries to steer the relationship in the wrong direction, get rid of him as well. Never settle.


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## S. Lisa Smith (Mar 31, 2008)

Gotta agree with Carolyn. Also police officers are very job driven (at least good ones are). They are difficult to have a relationship with and have a high incidence of divorce. If you found one that you really loved, then the effort should be made. In this case...nope.


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## blueangel1023 (Mar 31, 2008)

Carolyn, his dad is pretty much an ass. supposedly him and his dad are tight but I know one morning his dad was arguing with his mom really loudly because she wanted to go back to Ireland and visit her family and he keeps telling her to put it off for 2 more yrs. I guess the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree since I went to SC last wk to visit relatives and he wasn't too happy about it either. The need for control isn't cool.

I agree with the police officer part Lisa Smith. My friend works at a lawyer's office and she tells me how these women often confront her about ongoing divorces and most of their ex-hubbies are cops. lol that should've been a red flag for me.

Thanks for the advice! I just needed to be reassured that I was taking the right path


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## Killah Kitty (Mar 31, 2008)

I like the way you write lol! Im a Libra too so I feel like I understand geez thats weird but yea, I dont know too much what to tell you, but if you dont think its worth it then why try? You said yourself your probably just wasting time. And I can imagine being with an army guy or police guy would be hard.

Bottom line, be clear, if you don't get a clear response back, or respect, then whats the point...


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## luxotika (Mar 31, 2008)

I am not sure what you are mad about to be honest with you. You told him you didn't want to be in a relatiionship. You sent him completely mixed signals by sleeping with him right away as you said in your post. If you wanted to be friends with benefits, you both should have agreed to that early on.

I think that he is entitled to privacy being 23, but he lives with his parents. If he doesn't like it, he should get out. Maybe it is time to move on. Sorry, that's my best advice. Good luck!


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## ColdDayInHell (Mar 31, 2008)

Originally Posted by *luxotika* /img/forum/go_quote.gif You told him you didn't want to be in a relatiionship. You sent him completely mixed signals by sleeping with him right away as you said in your post. If you wanted to be friends with benefits, you both should have agreed to that early on.




At least you can console yourself that you didn't invest that much time and emotion into this relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to really think about what you're looking for in a relationship. Once you have all your criteria and goals in mind, it'll be so much easier to find what you're looking for.

And _some_ men are clueless and apathetic; the clueless man can be instructed but the apathetic man should be avoided at all costs.


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## pinksugar (Mar 31, 2008)

I do agree that in some senses you sent mixed signals, but what you want is perfectly normal for women - he's not that old though, so he really didn't understand what you were looking for. He thought (from what I could tell) that it's free sex.

I don't think he's a jerk, I think he's just your typical stupid 23 year old male. I've always found that with guys of that age, you have to be really explicit about what you want. This is difficult if you're not sure yourself, but I make it plain if I want a valentines day present or card, I say 'how much would you like to spend on vday?'

I think you should blow him off, he sounds like way too much work and a little bit immature, and his dad sounds annoying.

That being said I would take this as a learning experience and make sure that for your own peace of mind and security you're extremely clear about what you want from your next male friend





(BTW, for some reason this post sounds like I'm on his side, but i'm actually on yours! hope I don't sound *****y!)



I hope everything works out


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## blueangel1023 (Mar 31, 2008)

Originally Posted by *luxotika* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I am not sure what you are mad about to be honest with you. You told him you didn't want to be in a relatiionship. You sent him completely mixed signals by sleeping with him right away as you said in your post. If you wanted to be friends with benefits, you both should have agreed to that early on.
I think that he is entitled to privacy being 23, but he lives with his parents. If he doesn't like it, he should get out. Maybe it is time to move on. Sorry, that's my best advice. Good luck!

We did agree on just keeping it casual. With that being said, he's just being immature about the whole situation. After all he's 23 and lives at home. I'm a lil older than him. At times he would say how come my parents don't know about him, but his parents do. I don't see how that comes into play. I just shrugged it off. 
My whole point in this rant was that he went from actually caring for a bit, to being apathetic of the whole situation...He's basically saying that his work of being in the police academy doesn't have time to take me out or even for a simple phone call. When he does have the time, it's on his terms...not on MINE. That's what I'm mad about. It has nothing to do with wanting to be in a relationship. I've had a few casual relationships with other guys, and even they have a sense of being chivalrous to take someone out once in a blue or call from time to time...

Originally Posted by *pinksugar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I don't think he's a jerk, I think he's just your typical stupid 23 year old male. I've always found that with guys of that age, you have to be really explicit about what you want. This is difficult if you're not sure yourself, but I make it plain if I want a valentines day present or card, I say 'how much would you like to spend on vday?'

Haha, I agree with you on the jerk part 100%...to be honest, I don't think he knows what he wants. Maybe in truth I don't know what I want either. What I do know is him being in the police academy did a number on him. I know he has to study like crazy for the exams...and they teach you be be cynical. So everything he says to me now sounds remotely negative. We can't even joke about the same things anymore since he would take it seriously. Not that I actually wanted a gift...I joked about it to him. I said "so did you send flowers to the wrong house bc I didn't get them" he's like "oh, so you want flowers now?" in a pessimistic tone...which I did not take lightly. I just told him not to be so serious as I was joking. He then in turn says "Sorry, it's my job. I'm trained to be serious" I'm like, whatever you do in the cop shop (police academy) is your job. Talking to ME isn't a job. He then changes the subject bc he knows I'm right and he's wrong but he doesn't want to admit it.

Anywho, thanks for the advice. I did know that I had to end it eventually. Not everything is always a happy ending. At least from this point on, I know what NOT to get myself into  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## CellyCell (Mar 31, 2008)

I agree with the others about you sending mixed signals. The last bit just sounded like you were getting ahead of yourself as if you were in an actual relationship. If I were him, I'd be like "whhhaaa?" haha.

So yeah, perhaps you don't know what you want really at this moment. If his personality changed and you're not feeling him - just cut it off now before you get more emotionally involved because it sounds like you have a bit. His priority seems to be committed to his work and you kinda got to respect that, especially you two not being in a relationship. I would say the opposite if you were together and call him an ass for ignoring you and all. He is at fault for not being more respectful of his actions... but he does of a d*ck and that's what d*cks do. Ha.

If you're not ready to jump in with another person, don't do it and give yourself some space. You sound like my friend (who is a Libra too) - like, they don't want to be in a relationship but still talk to people and do other "grown-folk" things and get caught up with them when they weren't looking for a relationship to begin with or vice versa. Make it clear what you want and so on in the beginning to avoid this situation again.

Good luck beezy!


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## Darla (Mar 31, 2008)

Angie,

It sounds a little like you acknowledge that you helped create this situation. If you haven't laid out any expectations for him he's just taking from the relationship whatever you give him. If that means someone who's interested in coming over and sleeping with him he's all for that. You're relationship is in a rut but have you expressed any of this too him? If you're not saying anything he might just take it that you are ok with the situation.

i have a feeling with him just coming out of the military and going directly into the police academy his life is in a big state of flux and i wouldn't expect him to make any big commitments. You've made it comfortable for him.

I was curious why you always stay over there, why not over at your place? I don't think his parents or dad will change with regard to his privacy, Do they even know you're over? (some parents wouldn't have even tolerated that even at his age) I think i take exception with Carolyn's statement over the comment that he will emulate his father, some might but that is too much of a generalization.

I think the advice everyone has given you is good. Don't expect him to change. You've made the big move saying its not working out and recognizing this is not working for you; you're being taken advantage of, being taken for granted and he's not respecting you. If he initiates a change and you want to give him a chance then thats you're choice.


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## Andi (Mar 31, 2008)

I agree with the people who said you sent mixed signals. I donÂ´t think itÂ´s that men are extremely clueless (well ok, some are...maybe this guy is one of them), itÂ´s that women sometimes can be extremely difficult to get. I mean, sometimes I donÂ´t even get myself, how is a man IÂ´m not in a long term relationship with supposed to know what I think or how I feel?

And IÂ´m not gonna lie, itÂ´s hard for most people to seperate sex from emotions (it doesnÂ´t need to be love, even if you just LIKE your friend with benefits that can be trouble). IÂ´ve been in a 100% sexual friends with benefits situation for a few months a while ago. But I still hated it when I cought the guy flirting with other women, even though we never said we were gonna be exclusive. I was pissed off (the other chick was ugly lol, thatÂ´s what pissed me off), he didnÂ´t get it (obviously, why would he?) and I dumped him shortly after that.


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## blueangel1023 (Mar 31, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Darla_G* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I was curious why you always stay over there, why not over at your place? I don't think his parents or dad will change with regard to his privacy, Do they even know you're over? (some parents wouldn't have even tolerated that even at his age) I think i take exception with Carolyn's statement over the comment that he will emulate his father, some might but that is too much of a generalization.

I think the advice everyone has given you is good. Don't expect him to change. You've made the big move saying its not working out and recognizing this is not working for you; you're being taken advantage of, being taken for granted and he's not respecting you. If he initiates a change and you want to give him a chance then thats you're choice.

I suppose he's more comfortable with his place? and the fact he's just lazy to drive me on home afterwards? I'm not quite sure on that myself...perhaps it's one of those things where his parents enforces a curfew. Not that there's anything wrong with strict parents, but damn...my curfew was over once I turned 18 (lol) I did invite him over once, and then he said he had to leave...cuz his parents expected him to be home at midnight. lol, I felt that he was going to turn into a pumpkin like Cinderella once the clock struck 12. As for the dad barging in part, he might not have known I was over...but if I caught my kids having someone over, I'd dish it out with them later. Not engage in a convo with asking if they want bacon and eggs for breakfast to embarrass them




The last thing you said made a lot of sense. I guess the past couple of wks were hectic for me. I was in btwn finding a new job and I was visiting my cousins for spring break. She was bringing her bf everywhere she went and they were snogging all over the place. Not to mention her mom (my aunt) goading me about a bf which I don't have. Maybe I felt the jealousy and anger permeating within me...but being the Libra that I am, I know I'm indecisive and a hopeless romantic. That's basically a disaster waiting to happen! I know I said casual, and that was my fault. (this has been repeated in my mind quite so many times) lol, usually I'm the one ending it bc no matter how many casual relationships I've put myself through, I want a lil more...but yet I can't take the extra step to commit. I suppose that's like wanting to have my cake and eat it too. Call me a commitment-phobe, but I guess I'm the one who needs to get my priorities straight. That's another long story within itself. So he isn't clueless after all...he's just a guy...and I'm a weirdo



lol

Originally Posted by *Andi* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I agree with the people who said you sent mixed signals. I donÂ´t think itÂ´s that men are extremely clueless (well ok, some are...maybe this guy is one of them), itÂ´s that women sometimes can be extremely difficult to get. I mean, sometimes I donÂ´t even get myself, how is a man IÂ´m not in a long term relationship with supposed to know what I think or how I feel?
And IÂ´m not gonna lie, itÂ´s hard for most people to seperate sex from emotions (it doesnÂ´t need to be love, even if you just LIKE your friend with benefits that can be trouble). IÂ´ve been in a 100% sexual friends with benefits situation for a few months a while ago. But I still hated it when I cought the guy flirting with other women, even though we never said we were gonna be exclusive. I was pissed off (the other chick was ugly lol, thatÂ´s what pissed me off), he didnÂ´t get it (obviously, why would he?) and I dumped him shortly after that.

I totally feel you on that 100%. I remember a few yrs back, one of my FIB's invited me to his bday party which was a bunch of his coworkers and friends and we basically danced most of the night. However I decided to sit down and take a break and some random chick was grinding on him like a stripper pole and she made out with him! He knew I was there, but he was drunk off his mind. Ofc since he wasn't my bf I wasn't entitled on bringing that up...but god was that chick FUGLY. lol, I would think if he was making out with a chick, make it a hot one. I ended up having to take his drunk ass home. After that episode I knew he had to go. 
Most things in life is based on trial and error. It can be hard sometimes for someone to separate sex from emotions, but I suppose I got way ahead of myself on this one. One of my guy friends was like "wow, u must have feelings for him if you're mad at him!" lol, but if things start turning sour I suppose I have to pack my stuff and start a new journey


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## Adrienne (Mar 31, 2008)

Well, after reading all this I have to agree with most of the girls on here. You did send mixed signals and guys are....well, they're just dumb and simple. When you tell them one thing, they actually do listen. You didn't want a relationship per se, but you wanted the feeling of someone who cared at the same time. Sounds like you just needed some company lol.

Well, it sounds like you just needed to vent a little bit. It a good thing you're smart enough to figure it out on your own!


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## laurreenn (Apr 11, 2008)

just because you said you weren't interested in a relationship when you first met, doesn't mean that's a binding agreement that you can't change your mind about. you could change the status of the relationship whenever you wanted as long as you talked to him and you both agreed.

i think that if you're still interested in him and want this to work out, you should try talking to him about how you're feeling. nothing to lose right? just tell him in a non-whiny way that you want to spend more time outside of the house having dates and doing something fun. tell him specifically what you want instead of saying something like "i hate being at home i feel neglected". that way he knows exactly what he has to do to make you happy. if that doesn't work, you can either decide to put up with this behavior or you can move on.


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## Darla (Apr 11, 2008)

so its been a week and a half any updates BlueAngel?


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## Johnnie (Apr 12, 2008)

I think you did what was best and shouldn't feel bad. I truly believe his career was his first priority and you shouldn't be angry about it. I don't know what would've happened if you hadn't have "slept" over but your first mistake was that, in my opinion. It happens, yes I've been there too. I can't help but get the feeling that you really want to be in a relationship. Maybe that's what you should be looking for, instead. You seem like a sweetheart and I'm sure you'll find what you want. Best Wishes and Good luck!


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