# Family gave me an ultimatum



## PerfumedDog (Jun 13, 2014)

So my family has given me an ultimatum that if I don't lose weight they won't talk to me.  We haven't had contact for almost 3 months now.  They won't take my calls.  By my family I mean my parents.

They said that they want me to lose 30 pounds but if I lose 15 pounds they are willing to talk to me sometimes.  However, I have been exercising like crazy for the past 3 months, I literally have placed my life on hold in order to exercise and guess what?  My weight has remained EXACTLY the same.  I eat healthy and moderate portions at normal times throughout the day and I'm not willing to do anything crazy like just eat 1 cup of vegetables a day BUT I'm getting more and more desperate.

Sometimes it hurts so bad that they don't want to have anything to do with me.  I can't just write off my own parents and forget about them, I want them in my life.


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## LuckyMoon (Jun 13, 2014)

I would like to suggest that you talk to a counselor about how to deal with this situation.  What your parents are doing is emotional blackmail.  Maybe you could convince your parents to see the counselor with you also, if they won't go, you should talk to a professional just to deal with the stress of their enormous lack of understanding. 

You deserve unconditonal love from your parents and I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.


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## feemia (Jun 13, 2014)

I agree with everything LuckyMoon said regarding your parents.  I'm so sorry that your family is bullying you instead of being supportive.

Have you seen a doctor about your inability to lose weight?  There could be a medical reason.  One of the possibilities is stress, which it sound like your parents are causing.


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## Jennifer Stull (Jun 13, 2014)

I have to agree here, for one you need to speak to a counsler, and second there are many reasons for an inability to lose weight, such as hormonal problems, thyroid issues, ect. It is important to find out if there is an underlying cause before risking the chance of it becoming worse.


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## slinka (Jun 13, 2014)

Hi,

In addition to what these lovely people have said, I'd like to stress the importance of calorie counting if you aren't already. Even if there is a thyroid issue or whatever, you still require a Certain amount of excess calories to maintain an overweight frame/gain weight. And what may seem like reasonable portions/healthy...well, they just might surprise you with their calories (like, for example, nuts and avocados are fab and healthy, and hey, a portion of those is reasonably small. Yeah? Well, they have a very high calorie count!) Even healthy food lead to weight gain, if you eat enough of them. And if you are counting calories- well, make sure you're measuring everything. Everything.. And everything counts- that ketchup packet, that handful of m&amp;m's at work, the side of ranch, the olive oil you cooked that chicken breast in....it ALL counts, and needs to be measured (eyeballing just won't cut it).

Anyways, best of luck. If you need any support in losing weight, feel free to come on over to the weight loss/toning thread


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## Bflopolska (Jun 13, 2014)

Add my agreement to everything these good folks have said!

Also, please consider that when you eat healthy and exercise, the first thing you will do is gain muscle mass, and that can not only keep you at a steady weight but actually put on a little, and this is fine. Lean and strong muscle burns calories more efficiently. Continue on your present course, because you are on a right track...and please, for the sake of your emotional health, seek the advice of a trained counselor.


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## Kristine Walker (Jun 13, 2014)

OK, I'm not saying that you should do this, but when I was in school my stepdad was always ragging on me about my weight. (I was actually the perfect weight for my height then, 5'8 and 135). The last time he made a comment I locked myself in the bathroom with medium length auburn hair, peroxide, and scissors. When I came back out I had vivid orange hair cut like David Bowie Spiders From Mars look.

    The folks started screaming and ranting and I calmly said "Thought I'd give Dad something new to harp about"

Your folks need to learn you are not a number on a scale. As long as you are healthy they need to accept you the way you are. Hugs to you.


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## tulosai (Jun 13, 2014)

I agree with what everyone has said.  I am sorry you are going through this.

While I don't think you should continue to lose weight unless you want to for yourself, I second what was said about calorie counting.  Unfortunately, exercise doesn't actually help so much. Losing weight is 80% what you put in your mouth, minimum.  I know it sucks.  But if you want to lose weight you have to calorie count first, exercise second.  I think this is more likely to be your problem than a medical issue, but it can't hurt to get checked out as was suggested,

Do you know why your parents care about your weight?


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## sasha3000 (Jun 13, 2014)

I am sorry to hear about your family situation. I also agree on what everyone has suggested. Drinking lots of water and watching sodium intake might help a little. You need support from your family and guidance from a physician.


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## PerfumedDog (Jun 14, 2014)

Hi  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />  Thanks for the positive understanding comments.  I think therapy would be good to talk to someone about it although they can't change my parents' minds.  I mean my parents won't even take my phone calls :'(  I have to make up my mind if I am able to spend a lot of money on it, from what I understand it costs at least $100 a session?

I do count my calories.  I never go above 1400 calories a day.  I just don't get very hungry.  For 2 months, I burned off 2000 calories a day through exercise but now I just burn off 1000 a day.  It might be what I eat not just the calories.  I know I eat carbs like rice and pasta at least once a day.

I haven't gained any weight since high school, I've remained the exact same weight this whole time every time I measure it which wasn't often except recently.

I really could have used my parents in my life right now and in general, I really want to work hard to lose weight but I don't think it's a matter of being lazy.

I should probably make a doctor's appointment like several of you recommended but I feel scared to hear that maybe something is wrong with me or I am ill.  Is that silly?  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Bflopolska (Jun 14, 2014)

I would also like to suggest seeing a nutritionist as well, and talk to your physician. 1400 calories is right on the edge of too little, if you are getting regular exercise. When the body isn't getting enough fuel, it goes on sort of a power-save and ends up holding on to whatever weight it can. It's a holdover from the days when our ancient ancestors were hunter-gatherers and food could be scarce. Add to this the fact that you are a woman, and that your body wants to prepare for childbearing whether you want a child or not (this is why we hang on to fat worse than men) and its a recipe for frustration. I am not saying go and stuff yourself with Oreos, but if you are getting regular workouts your body NEEDS extra fuel to work with.


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## Bflopolska (Jun 14, 2014)

Also, friendly food advice from a diabetic: if you are going to eat carbs, make those little SOB's count as much as possible. Use whole-grain pasta and bread, and brown rice. They are nutritionally stronger, provide more fiber, and prevent blood glucose from spiking. High blood sugar makes your body retain weight. Processed white carbs are just longing to move into your butt and take up permanent residency.

When I learned I was diabetic I went on freak out mode and did a very stupid thing. For several weeks I did not exceed 600 calories in a day. My husband came home from work to find me passed out in the front lawn, and he stood over me screaming like a drill sergeant until I drank fruit juice. After that (and after getting my butt handed to me by my husband, his mother and several friends) I saw a nutritionist. In any given day I try not to exceed 180 grams of carb in a day, and most days keep between 1500 and 1800 calories. I have also lost 96 pounds in the past 15 months, and this is while also recovering from a surgery that kept me off the fitness machines for several months.


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## Bflopolska (Jun 14, 2014)

And one more thing, then I'll shut up--it is neither weak, nor silly, nor indicative of something "wrong" to get any kind of professional help. When my toilet breaks, I call a plumber. I don't have it in me to fix my can, and by the same token the plumber can't crochet a pretty doily. Counselors and doctors have the skill and tools to help fix something in your life that's broken, be it a bone or the human spirit. It is not a disgrace and it is high time that we as a culture end this stigma surrounding mental health and its treatment.


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## tulosai (Jun 14, 2014)

Do you have insurance? If so find a therapist who takes it.  You will still have a copay but not a $100 one.

What you are describing with the calories is mathematically impossible.  I know you are going through and tough time and am 100% not trying to be mean, but even if you had a medical condition, if you were burning 2000 calories and taking in 1400 you'd have lost weight as your net calories would have been negative and your body would have needed to use something. This is true no matter what else could be going on. Starvation mode is _sort of _ a thing but would not have happened at what it sounds like your weight is or at the beginning of a weight loss effort. That also would have been really unhealthy to be netting negative calories.  Again, I am really not trying to be mean, but either you are overestimating how much you are burning, or you are underestimating how much you are eating.  Do you weigh things on a food scale? Also what on earth are you doing to burn 1000-2000 calories a day? 

I am not meaning to sound overly skeptical but for a while I worked with people who were trying to lose weight and what you are describing seems literally impossible given everything I know and have seen. I second the suggestions to see a doctor and nutritionist and add a suggestion to buy a food scale and use it.


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## Bflopolska (Jun 14, 2014)

@@tulosai thank you for pointing this out...I suck at math!


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## tulosai (Jun 14, 2014)

Bflopolska said:


> @@tulosai thank you for pointing this out...I suck at math!


Aw hon your advice to her was perfect. I just feel like something's not adding up. OP, though, again, I'm not trying to be mean in any way....I am so so sorry in general that you are going through this.


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## kawaiimeows (Jun 14, 2014)

Everyone's advice here is spot on. If you're really exercising and eating as well as you say you are,  you SHOULD see a difference.

I've lost about 15 pounds since January merely by cutting out sugars (bread, pasta, pop, everything) and doing mild exercising (burning about 300 calories) 3 times a week. My meals are usually just meat and vegetables.

Also if your family is ostracizing you, they need to understand that weight loss takes time, like I said, its taken me like six months to lose 15 pounds. I probably could've lost more with a more extreme diet, but I'm trying to make life changes I will use forever, not some crash diet that I'm not going to stay with forever (like keto). They also need to understand that a huge part of it is having support around you, I had to tell my fiance "look, i'm really serious about eating healthy, quit suggesting really bad takeout for us for dinner" - so they can actually be a huge help in you losing weight if that's something you want.


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## kawaiiwoofs (Jun 14, 2014)

I think everyone deserves unconditional love from their families! I've been making healthy choices and I exercise but for me this is a very slow descend, I'm just happy to be more aware and making better decisions for the long run. I think its unfortunate that your family has gone to the extreme.

there's a number of reasons why it may be difficult for people to lose weight. I've seen some fitness pages where people burn 1000-2000 calories, but they're eating 4,000-5,000 calories for different fitness goals and so they can survive since all that work will really take it out of you! Are you sure you're not overestimating your calories burned? Those heart rate monitors on gym machines aren't entirely accurate, same goes with FitBit type items (as they over estimate your movement).


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## Babs28 (Jun 14, 2014)

tulosai said:


> Do you have insurance? If so find a therapist who takes it.  You will still have a copay but not a $100 one.
> 
> What you are describing with the calories is mathematically impossible.  I know you are going through and tough time and am 100% not trying to be mean, but even if you had a medical condition, if you were burning 2000 calories and taking in 1400 you'd have lost weight as your net calories would have been negative and your body would have needed to use something. This is true no matter what else could be going on. Starvation mode is _sort of _ a thing but would not have happened at what it sounds like your weight is or at the beginning of a weight loss effort. That also would have been really unhealthy to be netting negative calories.  Again, I am really not trying to be mean, but either you are overestimating how much you are burning, or you are underestimating how much you are eating.  Do you weigh things on a food scale? Also what on earth are you doing to burn 1000-2000 calories a day?
> 
> I am not meaning to sound overly skeptical but for a while I worked with people who were trying to lose weight and what you are describing seems literally impossible given everything I know and have seen. I second the suggestions to see a doctor and nutritionist and add a suggestion to buy a food scale and use it.


I'd like to chime in from personal experience.  There are certain things that totally negate the logic of calories in being less than calories burned = weight loss. Certain medications and a thyroid issue (as well as certain recreational drugs) will TOTALLY negate that effect.  I was on a medication that caused me to gain 30 lbs and no matter how healthy I ate and counted calories or how much I ran or worked out to build muscle, i could not lose the excess weight.  Once I was off the medication, the weight literally fell off.  @ are you on medication?  

Also, @ is correct, if you are using a fitbit or that type of activity tracker, you have to calibrate it to your steps on a known distance course (like a high school track) to get a GENERALLY accurate calories burned count or distance covered measurement.  I use one and the distance and calories burned is totally off. I only know this because I've been a runner pretty much all my life with the exception of the last 4 years due to injury and I have a general idea of my calories burned per day depending on what I do.

Regardless of your weight, you should be unconditionally loved.  I second, third, fourth, the rest of the suggestions the ladies have given you regarding seeing a therapist and getting a thorough check up by a doctor.  Yes, of course it is scary, we all fear the worst and unknown but it's better to know if something is wrong so you can treat it, rather than letting it fester and get worse.


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## Babs28 (Jun 14, 2014)

BTW, according to my fitbit, I've burned 1400 calories sitting on my porch typing for 2 hours while on MUT!!!  Yes, FitBits can be way off!!


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## kawaiimeows (Jun 14, 2014)

Babs28 said:


> BTW, according to my fitbit, I've burned 1400 calories sitting on my porch typing for 2 hours while on MUT!!!  Yes, FitBits can be way off!!


One of my friends got a fitbit and she's like so excited about how many calories its saying she's burned, just from walking around the office and stuff. I don't know how to break it to her that its not accurate, considering how much work I have to do on the elliptical just to burn 300 calories LOL.


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## tulosai (Jun 14, 2014)

I do want to be clear @@Babs28 that I am not a doctor, and that I definitely don't mean anything I say is gospel or that something might not be interfering with weight loss.  I do still think it's very unlikely that the specific numbers the OP gave are accurate (as again, even with most medical conditions, those numbers with absolutely no loss would not be possible even were it slow loss) and think it's way more likely that this is a miscalculation than a medical problem because statistically it is more likely but again, I didn't mean to sound flippant about the possibility of a medical issue and have joined others in urging the OP to see a doctor. 

Unfortunately though for every person with a genuine medical impediment there are literally 20+ who just don't have an accurate idea about calories  eaten vs. burned, especially if they don't have a food scale, are just eyeballing, and rely on fitbit.  My aunt is an extreme example, but she's 5'7" and realistically I think at least 250 pounds but that is generous- she is probably closer to 300.  Once a year we go to NYC together with my mom and other cousins and aunts on a girls weekend. We'll have one really nice dinner at a NY restaurant.  Conservatively, this dinner will be 2000-3000 calories a person when you factor in wine and desserts. Then we'll go to the metro (1-4 blocks walk) walk down the metro stairs and then up them again when we get to our stop, and walk another 1-4 blocks to the hotel.  My aunt will then say "With all these stairs and walking we've burned off dinner!" and actually mean it.  I'm sitting there thinking no, you've burned maybe 250 calories of 2000 and that also is generous.

I also am genuinely curious about how the OP is burning as many calories as she says on a daily basis. I'm in okay shape but I'm 5'9" , under 30 years old, and closer to 200 pounds than to 150 and on a REALLY good day with running about 45-50 minutes, walking another 45-60 minutes, AND taking in a fitness class of some kind, I still don't usually burn 1000.

I am really concerned about my tone because I don't want it to sound like I am attacking anyone especially the OP, and I am not 100% sure if the OP wanted diet/fitness advice or wanted advice on how to deal with her family (and I don't mean to be ignoring that part of this because I can't imagine my family treating me this way).  But if real advice on losing weight is wanted I don't think it helps to sugarcoat things either.


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## jesemiaud (Jun 14, 2014)

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with an unsupportive family. I find it incredible that a parent would do this to their child. I have three children and it would kill me to not speak to them.

Do you have any other role models in your life that you can spend time with? Someone at church (if you have one) or your job? Or just any really good girlfriends that can support you right now?

A weight watchers group may be something to think about. Spending time with a group of people that are working toward the same goals as yourself could offer the non-judgemental support that you need. 

Hugs to you and please know, if losing weight is something YOU want to do, then go for it. If you are only trying to lose weight to please your parents, you will be less likely to be successful. And frankly, if your parents refuse to speak to you because you need to lose weight, actually losing the weight is not going to fix the underlying issue in your relationship.


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## kawaiimeows (Jun 14, 2014)

Hey y'all,

Just stepping in to say, if you were wondering why the topic creator is now banned, its because its a new account of a user we have had to ban repeatedly in the past for causing problems.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to message me!  :flowers:


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## Esthylove (Jun 14, 2014)

PerfumedDog said:


> So my family has given me an ultimatum that if I don't lose weight they won't talk to me.  We haven't had contact for almost 3 months now.  They won't take my calls.  By my family I mean my parents.
> 
> They said that they want me to lose 30 pounds but if I lose 15 pounds they are willing to talk to me sometimes.  However, I have been exercising like crazy for the past 3 months, I literally have placed my life on hold in order to exercise and guess what?  My weight has remained EXACTLY the same.  I eat healthy and moderate portions at normal times throughout the day and I'm not willing to do anything crazy like just eat 1 cup of vegetables a day BUT I'm getting more and more desperate.
> 
> Sometimes it hurts so bad that they don't want to have anything to do with me.  I can't just write off my own parents and forget about them, I want them in my life.


I'm sorry, but that is messed up. Parents should be there to back you up 100% of the time. They should be there helping and moitivating you to keep working hard at it. All they're doing is making this harder on you. No parent should threaten to not talk to you because they want you to lose weight. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like you're working hard, so keep up the good work. It will pay off, I promise!!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Esthylove (Jun 15, 2014)

Babs28 said:


> I'd like to chime in from personal experience.  There are certain things that totally negate the logic of calories in being less than calories burned = weight loss. Certain medications and a thyroid issue (as well as certain recreational drugs) will TOTALLY negate that effect.  I was on a medication that caused me to gain 30 lbs and no matter how healthy I ate and counted calories or how much I ran or worked out to build muscle, i could not lose the excess weight.  Once I was off the medication, the weight literally fell off.  @ are you on medication?
> 
> Also, @ is correct, if you are using a fitbit or that type of activity tracker, you have to calibrate it to your steps on a known distance course (like a high school track) to get a GENERALLY accurate calories burned count or distance covered measurement.  I use one and the distance and calories burned is totally off. I only know this because I've been a runner pretty much all my life with the exception of the last 4 years due to injury and I have a general idea of my calories burned per day depending on what I do.
> 
> Regardless of your weight, you should be unconditionally loved.  I second, third, fourth, the rest of the suggestions the ladies have given you regarding seeing a therapist and getting a thorough check up by a doctor.  Yes, of course it is scary, we all fear the worst and unknown but it's better to know if something is wrong so you can treat it, rather than letting it fester and get worse.


I can agree with the medication. I'm on a bunch that makes me retain water and I work out hard and count the calories. Makes it impossible to lose weight.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Esthylove (Jun 15, 2014)

kawaiimeows said:


> Hey y'all,
> 
> Just stepping in to say, if you were wondering why the topic creator is now banned, its because its a new account of a user we have had to ban repeatedly in the past for causing problems.
> 
> If you have any questions, don't hesitate to message me!  :flowers:


Oooooh. Well oops I just saw this.


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## pokeballssohard (Jun 15, 2014)

Edit: Woah. Didn't see that. I had a huge post and everything.


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## kawaiisofoxy (Jun 15, 2014)

If anyone has a reply they'd still like to share, please feel free! I think there are members here that do have a strained relationship with their parents (although maybe not to this extent), and much of the advice given has been valuable and well thought out. Just because the thread starter is a troublemaker doesn't mean we can't discuss the issue.

And thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and advice so far. I'm constantly amazed by the wisdom and empathy of the lovely MuT ladies!


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## Esthylove (Jun 15, 2014)

pokeballssohard said:


> Edit: Woah. Didn't see that. I had a huge post and everything.


Don't you hate that? Or when you type a long reply then change your mind on what to say. lol


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## Courtnee (Jun 16, 2014)

Esthylove said:


> Don't you hate that? Or when you type a long reply then change your mind on what to say. lol


I know I hate it!!!

Anyways, I was going to say to her before I found out that she was a “troublemaker” that maybe there might be some outstanding issues that they don't realise could be covering up with the “weight thingy”.

Either way, good luck to anyone who has problems with family.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Lois F. Loy (Aug 9, 2014)

You do not pick your family. You pick your friends. Lean on them at this time. You can return the favour later. It IS emotional blackmail. Stop going out of your way to please them or have any contact. Do not play this game with them. It is unhealthy. If they see that you have made no effort to contact them, they may start thinking "OK, well this plan/game/trick, is not working, maybe we should see what she is up to." Have them come to you. 

It is disgusting behaviour by them, really abhorrent and they ought to be ashamed of themselves.


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## LittlePinky82 (Sep 6, 2014)

I agree this is emotional black mail. They may think they're helping you but they aren't. Losing weight is tough both physically and emotionally. Everyone who loses weight deserves a support system of some type...not this.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> Personally, if my parents did that to me I'd be very hurt and wouldn't feel good talking again. :-\


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## Maria Candy (Sep 10, 2014)

LuckyMoon said:


> I would like to suggest that you talk to a counselor about how to deal with this situation.  What your parents are doing is emotional blackmail.  Maybe you could convince your parents to see the counselor with you also, if they won't go, you should talk to a professional just to deal with the stress of their enormous lack of understanding.
> 
> You deserve unconditonal love from your parents and I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.


Yes, I agree with this advice. you should try it.


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## Bflopolska (Sep 10, 2014)

LittlePinky82 said:


> I agree this is emotional black mail. They may think they're helping you but they aren't. Losing weight is tough both physically and emotionally. Everyone who loses weight deserves a support system of some type...not this.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> Personally, if my parents did that to me I'd be very hurt and wouldn't feel good talking again. :-\


My in-laws have picked up where my parents left off, and over the past 12 years have been pretty mean about my weight. I lost 110 pounds and it's still not good enough, evidenced by the diet books I receive for holiday gifts (which to me is a kind of bullying-via-humiliation.) We have essentially cut off contact.


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## Courtnee (Sep 10, 2014)

You Ladies, are supper supportive, but this member who posted and made this thread is no longer active on this site at all... If you wish to carry on expressing and sharing you thoughts and feelings, that is fine, but I just wanted to let you know, in case you thought you were helping her, only, when she isn't here. :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:


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## bellalore (Sep 15, 2014)

I know this thread was started back in June, but I found it really interesting.  I wonder what happened to PerfumedDog and if she was able to build her relationship with her parents again...so sad.

Great advice, though, from everyone.


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