# Head games at work



## jessimau (Nov 26, 2006)

Wow, that's some really crazy stuff going on! I'm sorry you have to deal with nutso coworkers. I'd go to your boss and play dumb, just say "hey, Jan offered me this extra work and said it was okay for me to do it, but I wanted to check with you first, since I think this is the stuff I'm not supposed to do until my results are in." Yeah, you might get him in trouble, but if he's pulling shady s**t your boss should know about it, especially if your boss is also his boss. I'm not too good at office politics, though, so hopefully some other women here will have more input for you.

Also, disregard anything personal Jan tells you. Just don't listen to him when he's telling you stories. you can be polite but dismissive. If you feel you need more prep for this upcoming interview, go to your boss (or someone else above you in the company with whom you feel comfortable) and ask for their input as to what you can do to make yourself a more attractive candidate in the interview.


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## Dragonfly (Nov 26, 2006)

Is it too personal to ask what line of work you are in?


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## Dragonfly (Nov 26, 2006)

Jan sounds like he has not been honest with you and has lied by omission.

If this were my situation, I would be polite to him but I would have very litle to do with him. Don't do anything extra from him, even if it will help your job.

Your boss is aware of your concerns and has advised you what to do and what not to do. Jan may be trying to sabotage your chances by acting like he can help you.

My friend Karen worked for a company for one day. She was approached by a girl and asked a few questions about her day. The girl asked her if she like the supervisor. Karen was honest and said the supervisor was so so.

An hour later, Karen was called into the office and was fired for gossiping about the staff. Karen tried to explain that she was questioned and was not gossiping.

Apparently, the girl reported Karen's answers to the supervisor and that's why she got fired.

Bottom line, I would say thanks but no thanks to Jan. If you boss tells you to not do extra with Jan and finds out you have, he may see you as disloyal. Being disloyal will not help you with advancement in your company.

Hope my advice helps.


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## Dragonfly (Nov 26, 2006)

I don't think it is a matter of learning from mistakes. You seem like a friendly person and just want to get along with co-workers.

I think the problem is co-workers that act friendly and want to help, but really want to see you gone.

My friend Karen was one example.

About 20 years ago I had my first clerical job. I did my best and my boss was happy with me. A male co-worker - Allan was friendly and at times flirtatious.

I was nice to him but thought he was a little creepy. Other females working there told me to be wary. One day I got to work and got called into the office. Allan had told my boss that I wasn't needed anymore. I was devasted and told a female co-worker. She flipped out, called the boss, and got my job back. After that, I gave Allan I very wide birth and only discussed work with him. Why Allan tried to get me fired is anyones guess. My gut instincts about him were right but I didn't know how devious he could be. I left that job a year later, with great references.

Jan wants to help you but knows if you get caught, could get you into trouble.

Sounds like another Allan to me.

Heed your mom's advice about getting too friendly with co-workers. I am at the point that I don't see anyone outside of work and I don't participate in co-worker's birthday celebrations and I don't do work pot lucks.

My co-workers may think I'm a drag but I do my work well and my boss is happy with me. That is what is important to me. I have my friends to socialize with.


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## StrangerNMist (Nov 28, 2006)

Socializing is a big no-no at work, and it was a lesson that I learned the hard way. It's best to say as little as possible, verbally and/or otherwise because in some work situations people will try and use that information against you to get you in trouble and/or fired.

It sounds like this guy's social skills really stink, but it sounds like he's trying to make you comfortable so he can squeeze some information out of you as well as to get you into trouble so he or his buddies can get a foothold.

It's good that you're a sociable person, and you like to make friends, but this is not that type of situation.

This may sound rude, but I try not to get close to people at work for that reason.


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## Aquilah (Nov 28, 2006)

Okay, I seriously wish I knew what you did for a living now! Sheesh! My honest opinion is to find a new place to work, although easier said than done I'm sure... I can't stand drama and head games, and I prefer to not be around it if I can help it!


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## jdepp_84 (Dec 3, 2006)

Way to complicated. I think you should just stick with what your boss says. After all, your boss is your boss, not that other dude. Furthermore, you are trying to look good for your boss, not for him. I would just stick with whatever my boss would want me to do and ask if I could do the extra work the dude was giving me. That way, if you do it, your boss will know and you can rat him out innocently  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> a guy like that will get you in trouble in the near future.


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## AngelaGM (Dec 3, 2006)

I am so curious about your line of work it is a shame you are not able to let us know what you do.


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## SamanthaBNYC (Dec 7, 2006)

I agree with the advice of the others, it's excellent and clear-headed. When those books talk about networking, they need to clarify how to connect with people. For example, it's perfectly fine to discuss your hobbies, talk about a terrific sale at a popular store, home improvements, classes you are taking, general stuff like that. I try to avoid "opinion based" chit-chat (such as seeing a movie and loving it only to find out your boss hates it, politics, religions, or gossiping about co-workers), it's easier said than done. I don't socialize with my co-workers at my current place, I'm considered a social dud, but I'm also not called into the office to discuss bad behavior.


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## jessimau (Dec 7, 2006)

I've officially cut down on socializing at work because it was getting to be too much of a headache within my department. There are only 4 of us, but there were some interesting power dynamics going on and since I'm technically their boss (just barely) I decided to remove myself from the situation instead of letting myself get dragged into their drama. Basically I can tell there's resentment towards me and they were using social aggression, so I just stopped socializing on their terms so that their techniques aren't effective anymore. At first I felt crappy today, because I didn't say a word to them unless they'd said something to me, but by the end of the day I felt pretty good about it. One of my coworkers is my BF's roommate and he mentioned to my BF that I seemed to be in a bad mood, then started trying to make an effort to be friendly to my BF (he hasn't been lately...he's been shutting us both out). So apparently us not playing his game has started to work.

I wish things weren't this complicated and that people could be up front, but for some reason they can't. Grrrr!! Oh well...at least I know now that letting go of my desire to "fit in" meant that they didn't have the power to make me feel like an outcast anymore and it led to my being in a better mood by the end of the day.

Sorry, I just realized that might seem like a thread hijacking. I'm sorry!! It's really not meant to be...I just wanted to share my experience of dealing with head games at work.


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## MacForMe (Dec 7, 2006)

Are you sure you don't work where I work? We have this guy Kevin that pulls that crap. Our manager was out on vacation and left Paul, the other coordinator "in charge". Kevin is a micromanager and plays people against each other. So when Paul asked Kevin to do something, kevin replied "who died and left you boss? I dont' report to you!".. And at that time, technically Paul was the boss. Needless to say, that got reported back to the real boss when he returned from vacation.

I learned that communication is the best defense against people like this. If this guy asks you to do extra work, send him a confirmation email that says "per our conversation, I understand that you are giving me this, this, that and the other to complete in addition to the other work projects. please advise" I just think if you get it in writing then you have something to help support your case.

Cover your own butt.. its the safest way to go. Let him play games, but you should play by the rules, say little, do your job and keep lots of notes and get as much as you can in writing. Otherwise it's he said/she said.


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## missnadia (Dec 7, 2006)

Agreed that it's VERY important to network. Depending on your line of work and the nature of your work, it can make or break your career. A large network of people in your company is the #1 most efficient way to get the information that you need, the advice and take advantage of other peoples' experiences with the same type of work/projects that you're doing. Being known as a "social dud" is not only extremely bad for your reputation, it also cuts out your chances of getting yourself known among other managers, and get them interested in the kind of work that you're capable of doing and seeing potential in you.

Picture this, you and Daina are competing for that job.... You never know who the interviewer is gonna be, and you never know who he knows. Managers all mingle / network together. If you make yourself known among them, if they know your name, chances are one day somebody might pass on a good word to somebody else who might end up interviewing you. It's a really small freaking world!! Keep that in mind. I'm always amazed at how often these things happen. Take my mom as an example, if it wasn't for her socializing with one of her profs at the university, she would have never gotten her current job. GUESS WHAT?! It just happened that she had this prof in her references, and her interviewer (which was in a different PROVINCE / or "state" for you US people...) happened to know him well! She got the job almost on the spot!

BUT, socializing with people can backfire of course, if you're big-mouthed and don't know when to shut up about your personal life. Here's a trick to avoid this: when talking to somebody and expressing your opinion, ask yourself if you'd be fine with it if it were to be published in your local journal. Because chances are, the info is gonna get around no matter how much you think the person is not gonna gossip about you. If you feel uneasy about everybody knowing what you just said, then keep your mouth shut and change subjects or avoid the question. It's simple and it works. Bottom line is be friendly, but don't forget that these people aren't your friends.


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## MacForMe (Dec 7, 2006)

OH MY GAWD!!!!

You're never going to believe this one.. and I have to share it only because it does correllate to this whole thread.. I just called our company's "motor service" department to get some medic trucks shuffled around. The lady I spoke too said that she spoke to "Kevin" last week (see my post above) and he told her that HIS SECRETARY would be handling all the truck maintanence paperwork. I flatly told her I am NOT his secretary!! I'm the unit's Business Coordinator!! She said "oh, I'm sorry! He just said that his secretary would be doing all this". Of course, I told my direct manager about it.. Does he have SERIOUS NERVE or what!!!


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## missnadia (Dec 8, 2006)

HAhahah this is soooooooooo funny I was reding your post and right when I saw the word "competition", without even reaching this last sentence I said "AH-HAA that's it, I know where she works!!!!!!!" LOL!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## missnadia (Dec 8, 2006)

Well in this context I would say to always listen to your boss. I think that if he tells you not to do the "extra" work that Jan wants you to do, it's probably because he doesn't want that stuff done at all. Whatever, he has his own plans you know. But you should always do what you boss tells you to unless it's unethical.

As for Jan "testing" you to set you up, I don't even understand how he's doing that?? Okay he's pressuring you to do stuff that ne needs done.. But just politely tell him that you shouldn't be doing this and that if he has a problem then he should take it up with your supervisor.

Also let me tell you right away that if you're planning to work for the government you have NO CHOICE but to learn to play these games. Government is like a giant playground, I was told when I first started.. And it's true. It's all about who you know and your connections, it's the only way to move up.


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## missnadia (Dec 9, 2006)

Lol well I'm not an expert or anything.. But sure, if I can help with some ideas I'd be glad to..  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## geebers (Dec 12, 2006)

I plan to someday work for the government and yes - i can even see in small organizations how political it is and how you basically have to charm everyone to get away with anything and that is what I suggest you start doing. Do not get stressed or show that you are upset. Start playing the charmer and making sure you do what your BOSS wants -not this other shady character. Be very careful what you say in any job. It is very easy to get yourself into a bad situation and very difficult to get out of it.


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## geebers (Dec 13, 2006)

I am in healthcare and am primarily interested in health insurance/access to healthcare for all Americans. It's my vision for the U.S.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />. I could either choose to work for national healthcare with a number of government/public organizations or I can work for private insurance companies who will partner with the government. Can go a number of different ways. Or I can be a lobbyist.

I get passionate about it so I wont go off on my usual tirade over lack of insurance for all americans.


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