# He Doesn't Want Children



## Lorrine24 (Oct 2, 2008)

I just started seeing an ex boyfriend again after almost 8 years. During the last 8 years he married and had a baby boy who is now 3.5 years old. However, their first baby girl was stillborn. He told me it was complete bedrest for their baby boy, and a third child was miscarried at 5 months. Needless to say, they went through some very traumatic times.

They are now legally separated.

I have never been married and do not have any children. I take quite a few antidepressants and know that the possibility exists for a hard pregnancy since I need the meds and cannot be on them during pregnancy. However, someday I would still like to try for a baby.

He is dead set on not having anymore children. He says that he is going to have a vasectomy soon (he is 30). This troubles me a lot! We have talked about it a couple of times and it saddens me. Part of me believes that if I were good enough or loved him enough and he loved me enough then he would want to have a baby with me. The sane part of me realizes that this isn't about me at all and I have to look at the experiences he has gone through just to have one healthy child.

I really like him and want our relationship to work out but I am afraid his not wanting children may break this. I don't want to give up my dreams to have children.

The odd thing to me is that his ex-wife wants more children. I guess in my mind I would think her losing two children would have been so difficult that she wouldn't want anymore especially since one was stillborn.

Advice?


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## Adrienne (Oct 2, 2008)

If he is completely set on not having children (which the vasectomy says it all) and you know you'll want children in the future, your only option would be adoption, forgetting about children or just leaving this relationship before you get more emotionally drawn in on having a child with this man. If you don't agree on the foundation of your future, is it really worth it?


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## Aprill (Oct 2, 2008)

I think that in his case it has to be respected that he does not want to have anymore children. But that has nothing to do with you, his not wanting children dosent have anything at all to do with whether or not he does or does not love you.

A man losing children is just as hard if not harder for them as it is for women. Consider the fact that he has lost two babies. That is traumatic. And he probably does not want to take the risk of it happening again. If you want kids and he doesnt, you may have to consider finding someone else if that is something that is going to hinder your relationship


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## Jinx (Oct 2, 2008)

Just decide if you want HIM. 

If you do, then you will have to accept his choice. I can see why he doesn't want to go through all that all over (not that it will, but you can bet he's scarred from it).

My most import piece of advice is, don't make any plans or decisions until he is divorced.

Legal separation is not divorced. Hell, divorced is not divorced if there were a lot of stressers in the marriage (like losing children) that cause the problems, not that their feeliings for each other have changed.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Wait until the papers are signed and he is thinking freely again. Then start thinking about what you want more, him or babies.


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## Dragonfly (Oct 2, 2008)

There are a couple of things I wanted to focus on.

First, you said you are on anti depressants and can't be on them while pregnant.

I volunteer at a clinic for women who are either pregnant or just having delivered.

The moms all have depression, bipolar or OCD.

There are many medications you would be able to take during your pregnancy.

In some case, the moms actualy feel pretty good due to hormones, and don't take any meds at all while they are pregnant.

Your psych would be aware of all this and would certainly follow you during a pregnancy, making sure you were well through out it.

Secondly, until this guy is 100% divorced, I would refrain from getting too close with him.

If he is aware of his wife's desire to have more kids, then it sounds like he is not that separated from her.

Even if a woman has had miscarriages or experienced the loss of a child, she can still have a great desire to have more children. Sometimes desiring a child more than a woman that has never had a child.

I would almost wager that he might try to have another child if they get back together. But if they divorce then he'll get the vasectomy regardless of the next relationship.

Basically, if he really wanted the vasectomy, he would get one now - regardless of whether he reconciled with her or not.


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## Darla (Oct 2, 2008)

I am just wondering which feeling is stronger, your desire to be a mother or your desire to be with your ex-boyfriend. I am wondering because you had been with him before and obviously you did not stay together for whatever reason. You will have to be the judge of that.

I have to make one comment as a dad. I love being a father and my watching kids grow up in front of me. That is one of the great joys of my wife. I would be curious if you knew how he was towards his son as a father. Some guys are just not cut out for being a father and just should never have been in that situation.

I understand the comment about miscarriage. This happened to us during my wife's first pregnancy when she miscarried after first trimester. I was very upset as any guy might be expected to be, but somehow i don't think it comes close to the grief my wife experienced after feeling that baby inside her. I just don't think it can compare with what she felt.


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## LookLovely429 (Oct 2, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Lorrine24* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I have never been married and do not have any children. I take quite a few antidepressants and know that the possibility exists for a hard pregnancy since I need the meds and cannot be on them during pregnancy. However, someday I would still like to try for a baby.

He is dead set on not having anymore children. He says that he is going to have a vasectomy soon (he is 30). This troubles me a lot! We have talked about it a couple of times and it saddens me. Part of me believes that if I were good enough or loved him enough and he loved me enough then he would want to have a baby with me. The sane part of me realizes that this isn't about me at all and I have to look at the experiences he has gone through just to have one healthy child.

I really like him and want our relationship to work out but I am afraid his not wanting children may break this. I don't want to give up my dreams to have children.

The odd thing to me is that his ex-wife wants more children. I guess in my mind I would think her losing two children would have been so difficult that she wouldn't want anymore especially since one was stillborn.

Advice?

If your heart is set on having a child, or children, one day you should not compromise that desire. If you stay in the relationship a part of you will always harbor that sadness of not being able to have children with him because he decided to have a vasectomy. 
I think of it like this...he is not considering your feelings in his decision...he is thinking about himself and what he wants. You have to think of what you want and that is a child of your own.

Nothing is impossible...you have to keep a positive outlook. Talk to your doctor...get a second..third..forth opinion. You will have children when your body is ready.

I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I had a very close friend whose wife had a still born and the following year they had a beautiful healthy baby girl. You can't give up...NOT A OPTION!!


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## prettylynn (Oct 3, 2008)

I would just like to say that I agree with Jinx and Carolyn. Also that yes it is possible to stay on antidepressants while pregnant like Carolyn said. They just may switch your medication to something that is safer for the baby.


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## pinksugar (Oct 3, 2008)

I agree with looklovely. I think his decision needs to be respected, and if you choose to stay with him that is something you'll have to acknowledge and be prepared to deal with.

When he made that decision he was thinking about what was best for him emotionally and perhaps of your physical wellbeing too. That said, you have to decide what is best for YOU. It's a big decision and if you truly want children then I think you will need to move on and find someone with whom this will be possible.

Has he considered, or will he consider adoption? would that be enough for you? or do you want to experience pregnancy etc for yourself? (I know that sounds harsh, but honestly speaking, you do have to acknowledge what you really want or need).

It's a hard decision, and one that you need to make by yourself, but best of luck with it, we're here to support you on MUT if you need someone to talk to!


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