# I need some advice!



## KimC2005 (May 26, 2006)

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We have been talking about getting married for about 7 or 8 months. I know that he is the one for me and there is no doubt in my mind. He just recently got a new job that pays much better than the previous job. We are not engaged yet, but we were wanting to get married on Oct 21st of this year. I know things would be a little rough and that we would just have to work together, because money could be tight for a little while. We either have the option of living at his parents house, because they are not home 20 days out of the month or we would just rent an apartment. I guess maybe things seem a little overwhelming when I think about it. I have crunched the numbers many times and it could work. We don't have a lot of time to save money for a wedding either and our parents haven't had a lot of time to save either. His mom was the one that suggested doing it earlier, because I was saying January 07. Also, he has to sell his truck and buy a new car ASAP. That hasn't happened yet due to money. I know all this could work out in a short amount of time. We are wanting to go with October 21st, but I don't know if we are being too eager. I think either way there is going to be trials and hard times. I know marriage will never a cakewalk. I am just wanting some opinions and thoughts. Cause maybe I am just over analyzing things too much!


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## neurotoxicity (May 26, 2006)

I wouldn't rush it. I did and I have regretted it since.

A year isn't that long! I would give it some more time. No need to get married right away unless you need the tax benefits  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## VenusGoddess (May 26, 2006)

^ What she said...don't rush it on anyone else's account. Get married when YOU want to get married. On another note, October is a popular month to get married...translating into higher costs.

I advise you to do what is best for you. Take the mom's advice, but only take what you need and leave the rest.

You also do not need to spend tons of money on a wedding. Me, personally, I was happy with the small, but cozy ceremony my best friend had. Just immediate family and a few close friends. They spent about $3500 on the ceremony, and honestly, it was the best wedding I'd ever been to.

More does not necessarily mean better.


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## Aquilah (May 26, 2006)

I wish you the very best of luck! If you truly believe he's the one, and that things will work, then I don't see anything stopping you! Just make sure you get married when you're ready to get married! My husband and I threw together our wedding in about 3-4 weeks, and spent only $1000 or thereabouts total. That's including my dress, food, etc. We had our wedding in a friend's backyard. You could always just go to the courthouse for a small wedding with just you two and two witnesses, and then when you've saved up for a bigger wedding, do that. That's what my friend did. Heck, I'm planning on us renewing our vows on our 5th anniversary just so we can invite lots more people that we were able to invite to the wedding! Regardless as to when, where, and how you get married, I truly wish you the very, very best!!!


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## PerfectMistake (May 26, 2006)

A very good idea is to live with them first (if you aren't already), because you need to know how all that will work out.

Now you get married when YOU want to get married - but maybe you should work on saving first, so that you can have a decent ceremony, and so that you will have money in the case of emergency. You should maybe think about waiting a bit longer, just so that you know for absolute sure. All marriage is is paperwork, basically. So I would wait it out - just in case!

Good luck


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## Shelley (May 26, 2006)

I wouldn't rush into it. Plan the wedding when both of you feel the time is right and not what others want. Like others have said you could save money for the wedding ceremony that you want,plus living expenses, emergency funds etc. Hope this helps!


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## mabelwan (May 26, 2006)

Originally Posted by *PerfectMistake* A very good idea is to live with them first (if you aren't already), because you need to know how all that will work out.
Now you get married when YOU want to get married - but maybe you should work on saving first, so that you can have a decent ceremony, and so that you will have money in the case of emergency. You should maybe think about waiting a bit longer, just so that you know for absolute sure. All marriage is is paperwork, basically. So I would wait it out - just in case!

Good luck





I second your suggestions!


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## Anyah_Green (May 26, 2006)

Originally Posted by *PerfectMistake* A very good idea is to live with them first (if you aren't already), because you need to know how all that will work out.
Now you get married when YOU want to get married - but maybe you should work on saving first, so that you can have a decent ceremony, and so that you will have money in the case of emergency. You should maybe think about waiting a bit longer, just so that you know for absolute sure. All marriage is is paperwork, basically. So I would wait it out - just in case!

Good luck





I totally agree! Although Hubby and I never would have gotten married had we lived togethr first....yikes!


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## schuettd (May 27, 2006)

You are sooo young. (Only 20) You have many years ahead of you. I would give it time and not rush it. I know its hard when you're in love and want to be with that special someone for the rest of your life. Me and my husband dated for 6 years before we married. Trust me, the time flies fast.....


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## girl_geek (May 27, 2006)

I still don't understand from your post why you are trying to move up the wedding. What is wrong with January 2007? Or even October of next year so you can be sure to save up enough money? If you're just moving it up because you're anxious to get married, I would say wait! Even if you are 100% sure you are going to get married, and even though marriage is not a "cakewalk" as you say, you only get to plan your wedding once -- and wouldn't you like to plan it without stressing out about money so much? Planning the wedding should be fun and exciting, most people already make it stressful enough even when they have a large budget!

If you have a really good reason for moving the wedding up then maybe we could offer you some different advice.... But otherwise, I think it would be a good idea to wait!

Though I shouldn't be one to talk.... Hubby proposed after 4 months of dating, and we kept moving up the wedding up to fit with my grad school schedule and we ended up with a 9-month engagement! lol Summer break seemed to be the only time we could schedule the wedding so we went with the 9-month engagement over the 21-month engagement!



Although we weren't in quite the financial situation you are in ... since we did not live together before the wedding (due to our religious beliefs), we saved tons of money by getting married and only paying one rent instead of two!



We were also a few years older (23) though that's not much


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## KimC2005 (May 27, 2006)

Living w/ him would not be an option because of personal and religious convictions we both have. We just believe in waiting until marriage. There is no set reason why I wanted to move the date up, but I moved it up due to his mother's suggestion. However, we have been talking more and I just wasn't comfortable with Oct. so we decided to just wait until December or January. I realize I am young and have a lot ahead of me. But, its hard to be patient when you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I would be 21 by January and I don't think thats extremely young. I agree with you girl_geek. I do want more time to plan and save and thats why I was just wanting opinions and suggestions. I felt very rushed and overwhelmed, but didn't want to overreact or over analyze things too much. Plus, everytime I seem to suggest a later date to his mom she never seems to really care for what I pick. I know I can't accommodate everybody, but you atleast want the parents to agree with the date and not feel uneasy about the date. Anyways, I appreciate everyones suggestions and more are welcome.


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## VenusGoddess (May 27, 2006)

BTW...if you feel waiting a little longer to get married to become more financial stable, that is a very good idea. I think that the biggest argument/strain in a new marriage is finances. If you spend $25,000 putting on a wedding, you will have a huge bill/loan to pay back on top of your new home, furnishings, etc, etc, etc. You can have a beautiful wedding on a small budget. But, it takes time.

Personally, I know you want your parents to agree with the date, but if you plan for an October 2007 wedding, unless they are extremely anal and make plans that far out, you should have no one that has a problem with the date. I hate to say this, but you should pick the wedding date/time/place/costs that YOU want. Take it from me, when you get married, everyone is going to want to give you their ideas, suggestions, etc. It'll drive you batty. Putting your foot down in the beginning and doing what YOU want will help save your sanity.

Always remember...this is YOUR wedding...YOUR day...and you deserve to make it happen in YOUR way/time/style/manner.

Good luck and congrats.


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## girl_geek (May 27, 2006)

Originally Posted by *KimC2005* Living w/ him would not be an option because of personal and religious convictions we both have. We just believe in waiting until marriage. There is no set reason why I wanted to move the date up, but I moved it up due to his mother's suggestion. However, we have been talking more and I just wasn't comfortable with Oct. so we decided to just wait until December or January. I realize I am young and have a lot ahead of me. But, its hard to be patient when you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I would be 21 by January and I don't think thats extremely young. I agree with you girl_geek. I do want more time to plan and save and thats why I was just wanting opinions and suggestions. I felt very rushed and overwhelmed, but didn't want to overreact or over analyze things too much. Plus, everytime I seem to suggest a later date to his mom she never seems to really care for what I pick. I know I can't accommodate everybody, but you atleast want the parents to agree with the date and not feel uneasy about the date. Anyways, I appreciate everyones suggestions and more are welcome.



Sounds like you are thinking things through well! I know that planning a wedding can be quite emotional and sometimes it's hard to sort out what you want from your family's suggestions!
However, even if you are waiting until December or January, you will need to start planning now! Many people take a full year to plan their wedding -- especially in big cities, things like venues, photographers, caterers, etc. can book up to a year in advance! Plus, you'd be amazed at how long it takes to get some things done. For example, it often takes 4-6 months to order a wedding dress (unless you buy a clearance dress off the rack that has been tried on a million times -- but most girls try on a dress in the store then order the same one new), then it can take another month or two for alterations. I think very few girls fit into a dress perfectly off the rack, I know I sure didn't! lol You can search for wedding planning websites and message boards for more info on scheduling and what you have to do!





So unless you are having a very casual backyard kind of wedding, you will need to start planning if you are getting married that soon! (Or, as other girls have mentioned, some people have a very small wedding then a few years later when they have more money they renew their vows in a big wedding-like ceremony, complete with a wedding dress and reception and everything, which can be an option if you want to get married now but are short on cash!) But whatever you decide, good luck, and have lots of fun!


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## _withoutYou (May 27, 2006)

why are you in such a hurry to get married? why not get married when you're settled fanancially?


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## KimC2005 (May 31, 2006)

Originally Posted by *_withoutYou* why are you in such a hurry to get married? why not get married when you're settled fanancially? I'm not in a big hurry to get married. I don't think its a bad thing to want to be married. The plan is to wait until we both have saved more and are able to plan more thoroughly for a wedding. We are looking at January, but March would be the latest we would be willing to wait.


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## girl_geek (Jun 1, 2006)

Originally Posted by *KimC2005* I'm not in a big hurry to get married. I don't think its a bad thing to want to be married. The plan is to wait until we both have saved more and are able to plan more thoroughly for a wedding. We are looking at January, but March would be the latest we would be willing to wait. Well, March is still less than a year away, and considering the vast majority of girls take at least a year to plan their weddings (or so it seemed on the wedding planning message board I used to frequent -- our 9-month engagement was definitely shorter than average), most people would say that even getting married in March is a rush! You may not feel like it's a rush, but just keep in mind that others do


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## KimC2005 (Jun 1, 2006)

Originally Posted by *girl_geek* Well, March is still less than a year away, and considering the vast majority of girls take at least a year to plan their weddings (or so it seemed on the wedding planning message board I used to frequent -- our 9-month engagement was definitely shorter than average), most people would say that even getting married in March is a rush! You may not feel like it's a rush, but just keep in mind that others do



I understand what you are saying. As far as vendors and things like that, we already have most of that arranged. The only thing that kinda hangs in the balance would be a reception site. My town is pretty small, so I know my church will not be booked up. I know a lot of people would think that is pushing it, and I can see their point. Nobody in our family really thinks that. They have been trying to get us to move it up. I also know that if we are going to go through with January or March I need to start getting my dress and actually begin to purchase things for the wedding. Well, thanks for your help and suggestions. I definately see what you are saying.


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## marshall1704 (Jun 3, 2006)

I am 22 and my husband and I got married in August. We have a beautiful son. At the time, we could not afford to get our own place so we decided to live with his parents, it was the biggest mistake. When people say that two or more families can't live in the same house THEY MEAN IT!! I wouldn't rush things if I were you. If you guys are meant to be then you will decide on a date. Don't let other people decide things for you. It will only cause trouble in the end. Take it from me. You know you guys love each other right?? I would wait till you can afford to get married and get an apartment or a place of your own.


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## girl_geek (Jun 4, 2006)

Originally Posted by *marshall1704* I am 22 and my husband and I got married in August. We have a beautiful son. At the time, we could not afford to get our own place so we decided to live with his parents, it was the biggest mistake. When people say that two or more families can't live in the same house THEY MEAN IT!! I wouldn't rush things if I were you. If you guys are meant to be then you will decide on a date. Don't let other people decide things for you. It will only cause trouble in the end. Take it from me. You know you guys love each other right?? I would wait till you can afford to get married and get an apartment or a place of your own. lol, we lived with my parents for about a month this winter in between graduation, starting new jobs, finding apartments, all that crazy stuff.... It wasn't too bad, we got the extra bedroom and our own bathroom in the basement so we had some privacy at least, and it was nice to see my parents after living so far away during school.
However I would not recommend living with your parents right after you're married! (We had been married about 1.5 yrs when we lived with my parents.) You will definitely want your own place when you are first starting out -- you will want to develop your own marriage without seeing your parents every time you turn a corner! Even though I missed my family at school, I think living far away was a great thing because it forced hubby and I to become our own family! Even your own apartment in the same town would be better than living with the parents!



Just my two cents.... I hadn't thought to comment on that part before!


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## KimC2005 (Jun 5, 2006)

Thanks for the suggestions. I doubt we are going to live with his parents. We decided that wouldn't be the best idea for us. I like his parents a lot and don't want to ruin that with living in their house. I think it would be very difficult. We are on the search for an apartment or to rent a house of our own.


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## pinkbundles (Jun 5, 2006)

i think you should get ready when you feel you are ready (financially). i had a year and half to prepare for mine and i took my time with everything. and i was not of those stressed out bridezillas!


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## KimC2005 (Jun 5, 2006)

Yeah. I definately don't want to be a stressed out bridezilla


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## selene (Jun 7, 2006)

Talk it over with your husband-to-be and have the two of you decide what it is the _two of you_ want to do. When two people get married, they are supposed to leave their family behind &amp; form a family of their own. This is your life &amp; your husband's-to-be life - not FMIL's life. I guarantee you, a 3-way relationship never works out in the end, and it's not what God states that couples should be doing when they take their vows before Him.


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## KimC2005 (Jun 8, 2006)

I agree with you, Sencha. We have discussed it a lot and we are just going to plan things when we decide and feel its right.


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