# Who Comes First?



## Johnnie (May 6, 2010)

Your Spouse/Partner/SO or Your Parents/Mom/Dad?

I was watching the Wendy Williams' Show and a lady asked about Mother's Day. The lady said her sons should choose her over their wives and spend time with her for Mothers Day.

Wendy was quiet for a little bit and said "you're not gonna like what I have to say but this is his wife and she comes first now."

What do you think? What's your stand on this? Does it depend on what holiday or situation?


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## Aprill (May 6, 2010)

Spouse comes first. You are supposed to leave from the skirt tails of your parents and cling to your spouse according to the bible. I follow that.


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## Eyelining (May 6, 2010)

Spouses, but not to the detriment of your parents. You make an adult decision to form a partnership with your spouse. Your parents should be supportive of that. Unfortunatly my fiance is an only child and his mother firmly believes there is only room for one woman in his life... her.


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## Adrienne (May 6, 2010)

My grandmother, who is almost into her 80s, once told us when we were younger, when you leave the house and get married, you are then officially a grain of sand from another shore, you bear no actual loyalty to that family as you have created your own.

Basically, your spouse. After all, it's your spouse that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with.


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## magosienne (May 6, 2010)

Spouse as well, you fly away from your family's nest to build your own, but doesn't mean you can't come by your mom's for desert.


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## Dragonfly (May 6, 2010)

I have a son and I hope that I will always be number one to him.

But the reality is, I won't.

If he chose my wishes over a future wive's, then I will not have raised him properly.


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## Jinx (May 6, 2010)

Spouse. Almost always (Ex: if my mom wanted to get together on the same day my husband decided he wanted to go to a football game, well, I'll go see my mom. Husband can take someone else to the game, since I don't like to do that.).

You get married and create your own home. If you keep running back to your parents and dis your spouse, you haven't created your own home.

My ex husband's siblings (and him) put their mom ahead of their spouses- every one of them. They even told everyone their mother came first, before anyone else.

And they all-except for 1 have been divorced at least once, usually twice. So there were 6 kids, one who hasn't divorced.

The one who hasn't been divorced, who is still with the man she was with since she was 14 (she is 42 now), would not allow her mother into her marriage. They went to the parents house every Sunday for dinner, talked all the time on the phone, but their marriage was first.

I will never believe the failures of the marriages didn't have something to do with them putting the mother ahead of and into the marriages.


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## reesesilverstar (May 6, 2010)

OMG! Me and my one of my girlfriends had this convo yesterday! I say spouse/SO also. I think that's why so many relationships fail. Because ppl don't seem to understand that a marriage is a union b/t 2 ppl before God and through that union 2 families are united. You absolutely must put your spouse first for it to work.


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## Johnnie (May 6, 2010)

^ I completely agree with you and Jinx


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## perlanga (May 7, 2010)

Before your married your parents, they raise you and take care of you, the least I can do is hold them in the utmost importance.

After your married, the spouse. The whole point of being married is that your starting your own family and leaving your parents.

Although on Mother's day I think the mom takes priority.


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## xjackie83 (May 7, 2010)

I agree that the spouse comes before the parents. There are even passages in the Bible that talk about how you leave your parent's and form a union with your husband/wife.

I really think it's about having a HEALTHY balance though. My boyfriend is an only child and I am so thankful for the relationship he has with his mother. I know that she means the world to him and my boyfriend will straight up admit that he loves his mom and misses her when he hasn't seen her in a few weeks. I would never do anything to interfere with his relationship with his mother and his mom has totally welcomed me. I'm really blessed that I don't have a cliche MIL.


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## Karren (May 7, 2010)

Spouse, kids, parents....


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## Lucy (May 7, 2010)

i'd choose my parents in a heartbeat. those people MADE you. i have deep love and respect for my parents that i know i'll never let go of, and they will always come first for me. not to say obviously that other people DON'T have that deep love and respect for their parents, as that's probably untrue- i just would always put my parents first.


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## Abbygalll (May 7, 2010)

I think I agree with Lucy at this point.

I've been with my man for a little over 3 years now, and I put him before nearly everything as he does me. But he is REALLY close with his father and I am really close with my mother... and him and I are not engaged or even planning any of that at this point, so I would have to say my mother.

She has been beside me through everything, she made me who I am. I have so much respect and love for her and she is the only person who TRULY knows what I am all about.

When him &amp; I get to the marriage part in our lives, then my feelings will likely change.


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## Johnnie (May 7, 2010)

Quote:
I may not be his mother, but I am the mother of his children, so he needs to spend more time with me. Sure, get his mom a card, tell her "I love you", get her some flowers or whatever, but when it comes to taking someone out to dinner, it had better be me.
Now, if we didn't have children, then it could be all about her (or my mom) but once we had kids, I became a mom too and just because Im not his mom doesn't mean anything. I carried his child. MIL has had DH all to herself for well over 18 years, it's my turn!

I really like this answer. Haha!

Unfortunately, for me I think I come second. At least that's how it seems. He's an only child and very close to his parents.

During dinner, he asked me what I was gonna do for Mothers Day. I normally get my mom flowers and a card, I said flowers/card are boring every year so I'll probably make her breakfast then come home and chill all day. As in not do anything I don't want to do. Haha! I asked him and he said he'll probably do the same for his mom. Not once did he mention me. I was pretty bummed and felt sorry for myself. lol. I asked him what he was getting for me and he was like uh what do you want me to do? Cook me a vegan meal would be nice. So he's like ok so just warm up some beans and rice. That hurt!! He didn't and still doesn't have anything planned for me. So I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself and venting it here.


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## Aprill (May 7, 2010)

Aww Johnnie



Maybe he will surprise you with something nice!


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## MakeupByMe (May 7, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Johnnie* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I really like this answer. Haha!

Unfortunately, for me I think I come second. At least that's how it seems. He's an only child and very close to his parents. I don't see him changing any time soon or ever honestly. *sigh*

During dinner, he asked me what I was gonna do for Mothers Day. I normally get my mom flowers and a card, I said flowers/card are boring every year so I'll probably make her breakfast then come home and chill all day. As in not do anything I don't want to do. Haha! I asked him and he said he'll probably do the same for his mom. Not once did he mention me. I was pretty bummed and felt sorry for myself. lol. I asked him what he was getting for me and he was like uh what do you want me to do? Cook me a vegan meal would be nice. So he's like ok so just warm up some beans and rice. That hurt!! He didn't and still doesn't have anything planned for me. So I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself and venting it here.

I know kinda how you feel When i was 1st pregnant I was maybe 4 months &amp; for mothers day He gave me a beautiful necklace since i was now gona be the mother of his child &amp; than Mothers day the yr after A card &amp; flowers &amp; idk it was nice BUT a few yrs later &amp; two kids later I got nothing ..........I was like Hello? mother of two Here.....Your two!!!!! &amp; when i brought it up he said Mothers Day is for your mothers right? your A mother but not MY mother...............................Come again? oh yes it was world war 3, 4 &amp; 5 i was angry (really hurt) &amp; I gues he always felt like that but Had just never explained it to me Of course it was worked out later &amp; really his family litterally Never celebrates ANY holidays no b-day parties no christmas dinners nothin So I was surprised he even ever had gotten me a gift !!!hhhhmmmmm wonder whats gona happen this mothers day



I hope for the both of us they realize how Important WE are to be the Mother of their kids!!!!!


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## divadoll (May 8, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Johnnie* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Your Spouse/Partner/SO or Your Parents/Mom/Dad?
I was watching the Wendy Williams' Show and a lady asked about Mother's Day. The lady said her sons should choose her over their wives and spend time with her for Mothers Day.

Wendy was quiet for a little bit and said "you're not gonna like what I have to say but this is his wife and she comes first now."

What do you think? What's your stand on this? Does it depend on what holiday or situation?

After reading this, I thought the question was on Mother's Day who should come first? Obviously it would be the mother. On father's day, I would be spending the majority of the day with MY father. My spouse is not my father any more than I am HIS mother. This 'Hallmark holiday' is supposed to be a time to commemorate Mothers. I would expect my children to remember and maybe my husband to help them with this but I would be busy spending time with my mom. Ideally, we would spend time together.


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## xjackie83 (May 8, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Johnnie* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I really like this answer. Haha!

Unfortunately, for me I think I come second. At least that's how it seems. He's an only child and very close to his parents. I don't see him changing any time soon or ever honestly. *sigh*

During dinner, he asked me what I was gonna do for Mothers Day. I normally get my mom flowers and a card, I said flowers/card are boring every year so I'll probably make her breakfast then come home and chill all day. As in not do anything I don't want to do. Haha! I asked him and he said he'll probably do the same for his mom. Not once did he mention me. I was pretty bummed and felt sorry for myself. lol. I asked him what he was getting for me and he was like uh what do you want me to do? Cook me a vegan meal would be nice. So he's like ok so just warm up some beans and rice. That hurt!! He didn't and still doesn't have anything planned for me. So I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself and venting it here.

I had an older friend that told me a story about the first mother's day after he and his wife had a child. He went about celebrating Mother's Day the way he always had--by getting his mother something and then taking her out to dinner. At the end of the day his wife was like, "So what are you going to do for ME for mother's day. You do realize I'm a mother too now?" He said it hadn't even occurred to him and every year after that he did something special for his wife.
Sometimes guys really are oblivious to this kind of stuff and I think if you want something done you may have to make it really clear what you need/want. Otherwise, you'll be disappointed year after year.


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## divadoll (May 8, 2010)

Originally Posted by *xjackie83* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I had an older friend that told me a story about the first mother's day after he and his wife had a child. He went about celebrating Mother's Day the way he always had--by getting his mother something and then taking her out to dinner. At the end of the day his wife was like, "So what are you going to do for ME for mother's day. You do realize I'm a mother too now?" He said it hadn't even occurred to him and every year after that he did something special for his wife.
Sometimes guys really are oblivious to this kind of stuff and I think if you want something done you may have to make it really clear what you need/want. Otherwise, you'll be disappointed year after year.

I think its all well and good but you should ask the children what they are going to do for their mother. My husband only helps by taking them to where they need to go (my kids are 12 and 6) or help them make me breakfast in bed so they don't burn the house down. I don't expect my husband to do anything special for me because like I said before, I'm not his mother. I may be a mother but I'm my children's mother. As a wife, he should be honouring you everyday and if you are feeling left out, perhaps this is an on-going situation. My birthday is also in May so my present from my hubby is coming at the end of May



In turn, what do you do for your husband on father's day? Perhaps you are doing too much if you are feeling shafted or you are not doing anything at all so you are just getting the same treatment?


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## internetchick (May 8, 2010)

Of course I am not my spouse's mother, but that is no excuse for not showing appreciation on Mother's Day for all that I do for OUR children. Mother's Day is not just for your mother, it's for all the mothers in your life.


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## divadoll (May 8, 2010)

Originally Posted by *internetchick* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Of course I am not my spouse's mother, but that is no excuse for not showing appreciation on Mother's Day for all that I do for OUR children. Mother's Day is not just for your mother, it's for all the mothers in your life. But the question was "who comes first?" If I come first 99% of the time, I will step aside for 1% of the time. I believe that no one should wait til its a "Hallmark Holiday" to show appreciation when they live with you everyday (its not a real holiday, just an opportunity to buy a present). I don't see my mother everyday so I will take that day to show her especially. My husband's mom passed away before we met. He can't do for his mom like I for mine. Is it that you are feeling under appreciated in general? My children do something special for me for mother's day. On Father's day, I'll help my children show their appreciations for their father and then I will go spend time with my father.


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## internetchick (May 8, 2010)

No, I do not feel unappreciated. My husband shows me all year that he loves me, but that does not mean we skip celebrating our anniversary. IMO, same goes for Mother's Day. If it were simply a Hallmark holiday to you (general you), then why do anything for anyone? If you are going to celebrate it, then it goes for all mothers. That's just the way it works for me, my family, and my husband's family. My very first Mother's Day my mother in law gave me a white gold and diamond bracelet. She is not my mom nor I hers, but she showed me the appreciation anyway. I think only doing for your own mother is fine for some, but for me that is just a very narrow view of the holiday.

Just my two cents.


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## Aprill (May 8, 2010)

oh is this primarily about mother's day? Cause if so my opinion is different:

I have really grown up from the past and realized that Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, 'artificial' holidays as I call them are nothing more than a commercial ploy. You have to sit back and ask yourself (not speaking to anyone in particular) what does he do and how does he treat me the other 364 days of the year. If it is consistent that he is riding his mothers back all year round and never showing appreciation, re-evaluate. If he wants to do something special for his mother that one day, ok fine. I think these days should be set aside more for honor rather than showering women with gifts. I dunno...LOL


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## internetchick (May 8, 2010)

^^^ I do agree with this Aprill. I also don't celebrate Valentine's Day for the reasons you stated, but for me personally I happen to enjoy Mother's Day.

I guess it comes down to my personal needs. This year is the first year that my husband got me something (my new bag). It will probably be another ten years before I get another gift lol. I meant more of at least recognizing the day with a simple Happy Mother's Day from my whole family, and whatever things the kids made at school. Sometimes my family gathers together (we will this year) and have a good meal and visit. I certainly don't expect to be showered with gifts, and agree with you on that part. Motherhood has been very rewarding but very hard, so I like to have that special day. Not everyone does though.


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## divadoll (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *internetchick* /img/forum/go_quote.gif No, I do not feel unappreciated. My husband shows me all year that he loves me, but that does not mean we skip celebrating our anniversary. IMO, same goes for Mother's Day. If it were simply a Hallmark holiday to you (general you), then why do anything for anyone? If you are going to celebrate it, then it goes for all mothers. That's just the way it works for me, my family, and my husband's family. My very first Mother's Day my mother in law gave me a white gold and diamond bracelet. She is not my mom nor I hers, but she showed me the appreciation anyway. I think only doing for your own mother is fine for some, but for me that is just a very narrow view of the holiday.
Just my two cents.

I try whenever I can to show appreciation for my mom...whether it is to take her to a plant nursery or just pop by with some lunch for my mom and dad to share with me and the kids. To me it really is just another day but I guess, because it is sooo very advertised, I want to make this day to show my mom some appreciation also. I don't have a mother-in-law like I said. and if I were expected to do something special for EVERY mother, that will spread me kinda thin. Like what Aprill says, take a look at what your husband does 364 days out of the year. If you read what you wrote and all the other responses that are 'me first' to yourself, if he you are not underappreciated, why do you sound so hungry for appreciation?
I was also thinking - for all those mothers of young sons...when they are grown, would you be upset if your son chose to spend that time with his wife rather than you?


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## internetchick (May 9, 2010)

I am not quite sure what your last sentence said, but I am not hungry for appreciation.


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## divadoll (May 9, 2010)

I have a 12 year old son. One day, maybe this will be something I'd be at the other end of.

Also I'm sorry that this is the first time your husband has given you anything and that you feel that this is something with the same schedule as Halley's comet. I just don't get this as it used to be just for your mom and now they are trying to get people to buy presents for everyone that is a mom.


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## Johnnie (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Aprill* /img/forum/go_quote.gif oh is this primarily about mother's day? It's a generalization which includes Mothers Day ;^)
Diva: It's not all about the gifts or even feeling under appreciated. Matter of fact, I be most of us care less whether we got a gift. It's the time we may not otherwise have that makes this day special for us.


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## Aprill (May 9, 2010)

I was also thinking - for all those mothers of young sons...when they are grown, would you be upset if your son chose to spend that time with his wife rather than you?

I have THREE sons and if it were up to me...I would encourage them to serve their wives on their hands and knees as much as they can 365 days a year....not me. I did my part, show me appreciation by making me proud of the way you take care of your wife and children and live your life


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## divadoll (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Aprill* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I was also thinking - for all those mothers of young sons...when they are grown, would you be upset if your son chose to spend that time with his wife rather than you?
I have THREE sons and if it were up to me...I would encourage them to serve their wives on their hands and knees as much as they can 365 days a year....not me. I did my part, show me appreciation by making me proud of the way you take care of your wife and children and live your life

...but you also had not issues about your husband spending time with his mom. I know mothers and wives that are in competition with each other for the son/husband's attention. I don't think men should serve their wives on their hands and knees either. That's not a relationship of equal footing. It should be of equal partnership with each contributing and both are grounded with both feet on the ground.


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## Aprill (May 9, 2010)

Yeah you are missing the ball that I am throwing:

From a general sense, men have a hard time doing anything for their spouses because men tend not to be empathatic people. And there is nothing wrong with a man being loyal to his wife everyday as long as she does the same in return. That is equal footing. And I didnt literally mean hand and foot, some understand what I mean, some dont.

And I have had issues with my husband and his mother initially into the marriage. Its deep and honestly its none of mut's business about the specifics but she was out of place and it took him a while and lots of advice to understand that. Now that he has given her space, she wants nothing to do with him at all, because he wont talk to her on the phone everyday, and wont send her money every week, as if we dont have 5 kids (4 at that time) to take care of.


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## Ingrid (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Lucy* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i'd choose my parents in a heartbeat. those people MADE you. i have deep love and respect for my parents that i know i'll never let go of, and they will always come first for me. not to say obviously that other people DON'T have that deep love and respect for their parents, as that's probably untrue- i just would always put my parents first. I agree with Lucy, Parents DEFINITELY come first. They are the ones that give up everything for you and do everything for you. If it wasn't for them, there would be no you. For me, my mom comes before anything. I believe that if you don't have love or respect for your parents, you won't have love and respect for anyone else. Thats why they always say, if you want to know how your man will treat you, look how he treats his mom.


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## divadoll (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Aprill* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Yeah you are missing the ball that I am throwing:
From a general sense, men have a hard time doing anything for their spouses because men tend not to be empathatic people. And there is nothing wrong with a man being loyal to his wife everyday as long as she does the same in return. That is equal footing. And I didnt literally mean hand and foot, some understand what I mean, some dont.

And I have had issues with my husband and his mother initially into the marriage. Its deep and honestly its none of mut's business about the specifics but she was out of place and it took him a while and lots of advice to understand that. Now that he has given her space, she wants nothing to do with him at all, because he wont talk to her on the phone everyday, and wont send her money every week, as if we dont have 5 kids (4 at that time) to take care of.

I guess the view depending on where you are standing. I grew up in a family where my dad contributed to the family as much as my mother. Because this was my environment, as an adult, I looked for the same thing. My husband's mother died before we even met. During Christmas, he goes into mourning. She died on Boxing Day 1985. I let him mourn and then I have to remind him that there are living people that love him too. His father starts drinking around Remembrance Day until well after New Years. He does miss her terribly and this is a delicate issue that I have to contend with. When it is not nearing Christmas, we have a good routine where we share the load. I make the majority of the dinners but on the weekend, he will bring me my coffee/tea in bed and make us breakfast. It's the little things that make a big difference.
I understand why you'd want your sons to be independent of you when they are adults. It would be difficult to compete with your husband's mother. Thank you for sharing that.


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## Aprill (May 9, 2010)

Mind you, I dont want them to compete once they get married....now I never said that I wouldnt be hard on girlfriends....cause I am!


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## divadoll (May 9, 2010)

Originally Posted by *Aprill* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Mind you, I dont want them to compete once they get married....now I never said that I wouldnt be hard on girlfriends....cause I am! LOL! By then they would have earned their stripes?


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