# Is it ok for your guy to have "female friends"



## sugar8 (Nov 4, 2005)

My boyfriend has a female friend that I just discovered he has phone conversations with. According to him these phone conversations are only once or twice a month. He says she is the one who calls. He says they haven't seen each other in person in years except once a few years ago at a mutual friends party and once a few months ago at the mall. I also discovered they dated as teens. He says he doesn't consider her an ex girlfriend b/c they were kids. I do know this chick has a kid (that isn't my b/f's ). So that sorta tells me she has moved on, but MY issue is why the need for these calls. He said its nothing... that she only calls to "check in" and see how he is, etc. That their lives are on seperate paths but they are friends. I call bullsh*t! Please yall give me some advice, am I being paranoid to think something is up? Or am I being a moron if I don't think something is up? I am very uncomfortable with this situation.He has never cheated. When I confront him about his friendship with her he says they have been friends since childhood. That they barely speak now. Just a check in call once or twice a month (I think this is too much). And that those calls sometimes dont happen at all for a month or two then start again. That they do not get together face to face, do not email or text or have any other communication. And that the phone calls are 5-15 minutes. I dont like it at all personally. Oh and he also says he doesnt initiate the calls, that she does.I know in a lot of ways I am overreacting- he has slept with me every single night of our relationship (2 years), he has never vanished (as in I can reach him anytime we arent together), we spend all of our work days im'ing and emailing each other- besides not telling me about this phone "friendship" he hasnt really ever done anything shady. But to be very honest with you, this is bothering me big time. I don't like that he is having phone conversations with this girl.


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## Laura (Nov 4, 2005)

To be completely honest with you, i do think you're over-reacting &amp; being paranoid. I think its totally ok for guys to have friends that are girls and vice versa. I know i wouldnt be jealous or pissed off if my boyfriend chatted to a friend of his on the phone once or twice a month. Its not like he's cancelling dates with you to go see her etc.. I have a guy friend who i was going out with when i was 18. We were only together for abour 4/5 months because we realised we worked better as friends. I havent been in contact with him in about 2 years now but i'd love to get back in contact with him and i dont think my boyfriend would mind either.

Is it that you dont trust him or is it the girl?


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## Laura (Nov 4, 2005)

Oh welcome to MakeUpTalk by the way. I didnt realise this was your first post until i saw your post count. If you need help with anything on this site dont hesitate to PM me or one of the other mods, or you can check out the HOW DO I forum!


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## sugar8 (Nov 4, 2005)

Thanks for the reply. More than anything is I don't trust her- now with that said I don't know her. I know that her baby's father isn't in the picture and I feel she is looking for a subsitute. I also don't like this "bond" she has with my man. I don't like him having a closeness with her and my gut feeling is for me to stay on alert.


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## phoenix461 (Nov 4, 2005)

Sugar8 - welcome to MUT! I'm Rosie from NYC.


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## Laura (Nov 4, 2005)

Does your boyfriend know exactly how you feel about her? Maybe ask him to not answer her calls the next few times she rings and then she might not ring as much anymore. I think its the fact that he didnt tell you about the calls thats making you so paranoid. If he came straight out at first and told you then i bet you wouldnt be feeling this way now.


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## Amethyst (Nov 4, 2005)

Based on what you've said, it does seem quite harmless. But I can also understand your *radar* going up or whatever (I'm at loss for the correct word).

Way back, my then BF had a few female friends and they kept in contact regularly when I came into the picture. The moment they realized he had a steady GF, one in particular started to make trouble - *fawn* over him, while claiming he was simply like a *brother* to her. Yet I'd see her flirting with him, sitting on his lap at the gym...he was always with me, but she was trying awfully hard...anyway...

I think your situation doesn't seem suspicious. Maybe you're just not used to the idea. He's always with you, constantly calling you...and certainly you don't want to push him away by being too paranoid. And I understand about you trusting him but not her....like I said, I've been in similar situations before.

Just ease up a bit. If something *is* going to happen, its going to happen no matter what you say or do.

You might try a different approach - like try to make friends with her, invite her over for coffee with her baby - quietly observing her behavior around him and all.

You know the old saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

....not that she's an enemy either ! But you get the idea. Maybe YOU'LL end up being HER confidant instead of him. That's a way of turning a situation around to the positive.


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## Laura (Nov 4, 2005)

Love your way of thinking!


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## Amethyst (Nov 4, 2005)

Thanks! She may just in fact gain a new good friend out of it all. And a true friend wouldn't mess with your guy, right?


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## sugar8 (Nov 5, 2005)

Thank you everyone for the replies and the advice. I know I am probably overreacting. I guess a big part of me is too scared to get "too comfortable" in the relationship because its so hard for me to believe I've landed a guy who is as good to me as he is. And he really is- he is always here for me. I think I am carrying way too much emotional baggage from previous relationships and its really not fair to him for me to make him "pay" for the crimes committed by other men. I truly know that in my heart and mind- BUT for some reason I can't seem to fully accept it- I can't seem to stop being a jealous freak all the time.

*Also I can already tell you I will never befriend this girl. Once I called her and went off on her to stay away from my man. And I know I will never want to be friends with this girl. I want her gone*


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## katt (Nov 5, 2005)

Welcome to MUT, sugar8! Whatever action you decide to take regarding this matter, just don't nag your guy. Probably, he wasn't just comfortable telling you about his phone conversations with this girl. Just follow your gut feeling - stay alert, BUT at the same time be fair to your guy.


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## Annia (Nov 6, 2005)

It is completely understandable the way you feel. There are a few things I want to point out....It sounds like you haven't met her. (Which in my mind I see that as weird if they are friends you should have met her) Also why didn't he bring up the phone conversations before? He only said anything when you discovered. On the other hand it does sound innocent except him keeping this info from you is the only wrong thing here.

I believe guys can have friends that are girls, there is nothing wrong with that. It seems you started off on the wrong foot with the girl,I mean she may be a decent girl. I think there are a few solutions to this. Make peace with yourself and apologize ask to be included in this friendship or ask your boyfriend since he never calls her (obviously that points towards he might sacrifice the casual 10-15minute ph call) to talk to his friend about this issue and have her stop calling.


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## jaimelynn83 (Nov 6, 2005)

Personally I don't think Men should have friends that are girls... I dunno I just don't trust men!


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## fairy_wings (Nov 7, 2005)

Hay, i know you might not want to see it from a different angle but i was the one on the other side this past week, i have a good male friend in which we have just gone into buissness together - photography, we didnt have anyone else to model so i did. His wife was a good friend of mine but after a few months she became jelious and now they are spliting up over somthing that wasnt there. i feel awful beacuse i feel like ts all my fault, athought my male freinds says it was coming for a long time,

basicaly wat im trying to say is im sure she doesnt mean any harm, (as i didnt) its always great to catch up with old friend and try getting involved too, met up with her and ur b/f for coffee, if you show too much jeliousy u mite push your bf away


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## cottoncandy (Nov 8, 2005)

personally i think the whole "i trust him but not her" thing is bullshit, excuse my bluntness. either you trust someone, or you dont, and if you trust them, it doesnt matter what the girl has in mind because he would never let her do anything with him, and you KNOW that, because you trust him. if you dont feel that way then you dont trust him. i know where you are coming from though, i used to think like you in the beginning of my relationship with my man, which was before we had built up the trust. dont forget that its important to let the other person breathe and give them some space, its good for you to have friends other than eachother and to have your own personal life separate from your man. having said that, i do think it sounds harmless and you shouldnt waste your energy worrying about it.


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## karrieann (Nov 8, 2005)

Plus jealousy is so unattractive. It is difficult to control sometimes, but it really isn't cute at all.

My 2 cents.....


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## jet (Nov 8, 2005)

He should've told you.

I'm pretty okay with my guy having female friends, his best friend's a girl [a very pretty one too], but, I dunno.. I just feel a little jealous then get over it when I remind myself he's with _me_, not them. I'm pretty secure about my relationship and I do trust my boyfriend not to try to hurt me intentionally. =]

Relax.. have an open conversation about your concerns.. don't "confront" him, talk to him.


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## karrieann (Nov 8, 2005)

Good advise jet


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## MACGoddess (Nov 8, 2005)

Ok, I am going to COMPLETELY agree with the other girls and say you need to seriously chill... Deal with whatever baggage you have and honestly get over it. I am really and truly not trying to be mean, so don't take me as being that way, but it sounds like you could seriouly damage your relationship here.

A small comvo every month is NOT something to worry about. You said yourself he never sees her and hasn't for years. What is the deal? Are you saying that if you had a best friend from childhood that you were very close to and kept in occasional contact with it would be fair of him to tell you to ditch them? Trust me, you would have a fit... There is no reason for your distrust of him OR her. She hasn't encroached on your territory, she has her own life. Even if she is looking for a substitute dad for her child, your bf is NOT in the picture for her, if he were then there would be a LOT more contact between them.

My advice is to seriously chill out. By being so ragingly jealous you could push your bf away HARDCORE. Jealousy is a very ugly thing, I have learned this by experience. I was shocked to my shoes when I read this:

"*Also I can already tell you I will never befriend this girl. Once I called her and went off on her to stay away from my man. And I know I will never want to be friends with this girl. I want her gone*"

That is WAY out of control. Back up a second, take a deep breath and relax. You have no call to say these things to her, she has done nothing to you and nothing wrong. She knew him WAY before you did. Honestly if this were happening to me, and a friend's gf called and said to me what you said to her, I would think her completely crazy...

And just bc he talks to her doesn't mean anything. My bf has girl friends and it is not a big deal, if you have a stable relationship there is no way he is going to cheat no matter what. I would leave their friendship alone and work on your OWN relationship with your bf.


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## tashbash (Nov 8, 2005)

Good advice, I agree


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## girl_geek (Nov 9, 2005)

I also agree with Leila (MacGoddess) .... I still occasionally email my ex, and trust me, there is nothing going on between us -- and both of our spouses know it!


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## jet (Nov 9, 2005)

Most of my exes are now my close friends.. It doesn't mean i'm getting back with anyone of them lol. But they are a huge part of my past, and therefore a huge part of _me_. I was friends with them before we went out, and it makes sense to keep on being friends if a romantic relationship with them didn't work out well.


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## karrieann (Nov 9, 2005)

You, my dear, said that perfectly. :clap


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## MACGoddess (Nov 9, 2005)

I hpoe she didn't take what I said the mean way... I swear I was not saying it to be mean, I promise. But I think this is quite a serious situation. There is the potential to completely lose this relationship, and I don't want to see that happen.

Sometimes I feel like a tough love appriach is called for, and I kinda thought that this was that situation. I don't mean to sound necessarily like a witch (don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY can be!) but I wasn't reaching for that here...


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## karrieann (Nov 9, 2005)

No I think you have nothing but the best intentions. Jealousy is so damaging to a relationship. She will drive him away if she cannot reign it in.

You said it very very well!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## MACGoddess (Nov 9, 2005)

This is what I am thinking... I had a bf that would do to me what she is doing to her bf and his girl friend, and I broke up with him. Honestly, I never want to see him again either, and haven't talked to him since...

This can be a REALLY bad situation, and what she's doing is not cool...:icon_neut


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## Lori_TG (Nov 9, 2005)

Wow girl! I so agree with you! You sound so intelligent! I was gonna say almost the same thing you did but didn't have the courage! lol


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## MACGoddess (Nov 9, 2005)

lol, see that's the thing about me...I don't always have the restraint to NOT say something... :icon_roll

I just end up saying it, and hoping not to sound too witchy to offend the other person.


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## Lori_TG (Nov 9, 2005)

Well, I think that's cool! Hey...you wanna come over and give me some lessons?


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## MACGoddess (Nov 9, 2005)

lol, I don't think you would like me so much... I am a MEAN teacher!! lol, just ask the people who took my Pilates/Yoga class...they HATED ME!


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## Lori_TG (Nov 9, 2005)

Awwww I would never hate you!


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## makeup_nerd (Dec 19, 2005)

My best friend in the whole wide world is a male, and I would be devastated if he started going out with someone that would forbid him to have contact with me...That would really crush me. That said, you have to accept that your boyfriend had a life and relationships before you, and don't you think he might be hurt by the fact that you don't want him to keep in contact with people that he cares for, male or female. Try to reverse the roles for a minute, what if you truly cared for this male friend of yours and would love to know how he is doing once in a while and your boyfriend would forbid that, how would YOU feel?


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## Elisabeth (Dec 29, 2005)

Hello Sugar8!! I know I am setting myself up here... but I am gong to disagree with what most people are saying.

However, I must first qualify myself as a hardcore, no-nonsnense, suspicious b*tch.

I do not believe men can be just friends with women. But that's just me. We chicks can be innocent friends with guys, but the reverse?

Point one: Whether you are right or wrong, the fact is the situation is bothering you. You don't seem to want to talk to the girl...not sure I would either...can you talk, really talk, to your bf? Not to ask him to stop, just to let him know how much it bothers you and why it bothers you.

Point two: Amythyst gives great advice. Maybe, after talking to your guyfriend, this is something you need to work on on yourself. I know. I had the same situation. I talked to both the girl and my bf.

Point Three: I know because I used to be a Jealous Maniac. It had to do with the fact my father was a womanizer, and I had severe trust issues; I still do, it is something that I have to work on every day. After I explained to my bf that it was my problem and that I just have a jealousy problem, he actually opened up and helped me and became naturally less secretive in his phone conversations, etc. but he also said I had to do my part of the work too, and not flip out every time his cell phone rang. Gradually, with time, it became better.

Point Four: To add balance to folks like Laura and Amythyst I'll be their polar opposite. I tend to be way more cynical. Laura is such an easygoing and pure hearted sweetie that all our bf's will end up in her lap..heck I'd want Laura for my girlfriend...o.k. no, I really don't play that..but you know what I mean.And Amythyst sounds like one smart and sensitive cookie, too.

I more like...Let's Get the Blowtorch, Girls!!:icon_twis

:icon_coolStay Cool...Really...Elisabeth.

P.S. What Amythyst said about if something is going to happen, it is going to happen anyway...is unfortunately so true. So after that talk with the bf, all you can do is wait.


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## Elisabeth (Dec 29, 2005)

Amethyst,

If this doesn't work......Can We Get The Blowtorch....???!!:icon_twis:icon_twis:clap:--


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## Amethyst (Dec 29, 2005)

LMAO - my theory is to always try to ration &amp; reason first and if that doesn't work a good old fashioned palm strike on the back of the head does the trick! LOL (just kidding)


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## speerrituall1 (Dec 29, 2005)

Welcome!! Do you have any male "friends?" I think that we should all have "friends" of the opposite sex. Sometimes you just need the "other sides" opinion.


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## kraez70 (Dec 29, 2005)

I think that everyone has given you very good advice for this -however, I still feel that the instinct that you have is something that should nt be overlooked- the uncomfortable feeling that you hae is there for a reason, but I agree that you should be brought intyo the picture so she knows where she stands- (way behind you!!) and it has happened to me that I became very close freinds witha few of my BFs ex's, unfortunately after many years I still would never let them have any time alone- I think that may be an inivitation for disaster!!! keep your head up


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## Elisabeth (Dec 29, 2005)

The only male friends I have happen to be gay. But that's because of my inability to keep it casual and non-sexual.:icon_roll

I know some, maybe most, women can and maybe this long term girl "friend" of your bf's is one of them. You have to consider that, too.


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## Cirean (Dec 29, 2005)

If the guy is keeping it hidden from you I'd say it's a problem, a big problem.


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## mintesa (Dec 29, 2005)

hi. you shouldnt freak about this situation. i am a very suspicious girl, but i dont see anything wrong here. the way i see it, she is just calling him(and probably all other old friends) to check in and say "hi" and "bye". i moved a lot between different countries. and when i am bored, maybe ones a month, i call up old friends. EVEN PEOPLE I DONT LIKE AT ALL. just to say hello and just because i am bored. so my guess is she is just bored at home. be happy they dont even meet in person. or be happy your BF doesnt have any other girls he meets in person that would even more set you on fire.

anyway, my point is, look at the bright side, and dont let jelousy blind your ability to think logically.


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## Elisabeth (Jan 1, 2006)

Tonya, I kind of agree with you except well, sometimes guys just think differently from us and that does not mean that they are guilty of anything. Sometimes it is because we "blowtorch girls"- I am counting myself in this group- scare the daylights out of them so that they are scared we are going to freak out if they reveal even the most innocent of friendships/relationships/intentions. I have learned through experience that most guys, however honest and hearty, really fear a Fatal Attraction type moment.

The other possibility, is that he is not really "hiding" this relationship, but that he doesn't feel that it is that important enough to mention. Sometimes guys think that hey, it is really no big deal to me that I call this girl I've known for a long time, and therefore, it shouldn't really be, or I can't imagine it being, important to my girlfriend. That's why I think she needs to communicate with him how much this is really bugging her. He may even be surprised that it is. She will only know after talking to him.

The third possibility is that he can sense her jealousy and possesiveness and is doing this either conciously or sub-conciously to hurt/piss off/mentally torture her. It is a possibility. I think that again, if she talks with him, even this will come out in his manner and conversation.

I agree with you, I don't like when guys hide stuff, but I think only his reaction after she talks with him will tell her more about the situation.


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## bluebird26 (Jan 1, 2006)

Female friends are ok as long as they are not TOO close. I dont think a phone call once or twice a month hurts as long as you have knowledge of that. I'm married and we both like it when we take the time to talk about what happened during the day or who we talked to.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Killah22 (Jan 16, 2006)

Yeah, I can see why you are a little paranoid because of your past relationships, but like you had said, those were your past relationships, don't hold him accountable for them. A relationship is built on trust, and if you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. If there is trust in your ralationship, then don't be so jealous of what your guy and his "girl" friend has. Just love and enjoy him because he is with you.


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