# Advice On Jealousy!



## stellar_stina (Jan 24, 2006)

Ok.... i have a boyfriend who i have been with a very long time (4+ years). we live together and in all honesty, we have a pretty perfect relationship. we dont fight, we dont get sick of eachother, we cant get enough of eachother actually! but i am the jealous type, which is probably our only problem.

so my boyfriend owns his own business and is putting out some clothing lines of his own, which means he needs to promote them like crazy. In a few weeks we are going out to a local nightclub called Icon and the entire night is going to be promoted by my boyfriend &amp; his clothing line. The Go-Go dancers at the club are going to be wearing his stuff (very little of it, heh)... and he is going to need to mingle it up because lets face it, you cant promote something by being a wallflower.

granted, i am going to be there with him every step of the way but i just get so insecure. i cannot stand other girls around him, in fact it drives me insane. he is always telling me he doesnt care about other girls and he wants me to promote his line of clothing with him, he wants me there every step of the way, and i so so sooo believe him. i know he would never do anything. so then why in the heck do i flip out and get enraged with jealousy? i have always been this way...

does anyone else get insanely jealous? or does anyone know ways to control this?? i dont want to ruin his night be getting all jealous and pouty over it... and in Feb we are going to a concert of his fav band.. the band tends to attract hot girls to their shows.. i dont want to ruin that night for him either. UGH IT IS SO FRUSTRATING, why cant i just get over it, i know he is head over heels in love with me, its like what else do i need to get over this?

please, any help is good help  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## KittySkyfish (Jan 24, 2006)

*Here's a good article on jealousy and ways to manage it.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />*

*WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR JEALOUSY *

THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

*WHAT IS IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?* 

Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting behavior. Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations. Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct. 

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love. 



One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty. We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt. Therefore, we go through extreme contortions to try to protect ourselves from the possibility of loss and pain. Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve. In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent. 

*WHAT CAUSES IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?* 

For a person to learn to control jealousy, it is first important to understand what underlies the irrational thinking. Frequently, an individual who is prone to jealousy may have problems with low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or fear of abandonment. 

A person with low self-esteem may feel so undeserving of being loved, that he can't believe that his spouse could possibly remain faithful to him. Perhaps these feelings stem from some abusive past relationship in which he was unloved and made to believe that he was at fault. For instance, if a teenager is told, "If only you were more like your brother, then maybe you could get a girlfriend" he comes to believe that there is something wrong with him. Many times we are given messages, some subtle and some not-so-subtle, as we are growing up that shape our beliefs about ourselves. 

Feelings of insecurity may stem from the low self-esteem or may be related to instances in which we have previously been hurt. The same is true with fear of abandonment. When we have experienced profound loss from which we haven't had an opportunity to recover, we may develop an extreme fear and avoidance reaction to similar circumstances. However, as indicated earlier, this avoidance may bring about the abandonment that we fear. 

A fear of vulnerability is the inability to let our guard down, to let another person know us completely. This fear usually derives from a fear of rejection due to the belief that if we let someone else truly know us, we will ultimately be rejected. Again, the fallacy in this belief, is that if we don't allow our spouse to know us, if we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are preventing the development of emotional intimacy which is essential to any relationship. 

Emotional intimacy is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship. It is required for the relationship to fully mature. Without it, all we have is the initial surface attraction to the other person which cannot be maintained indefinitely. However, when we find emotional intimacy with another person, we discover the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists. And that is, the full acceptance of our self by another person. I know some people may argue with me and say that "the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists" is our relationship with God. The reason I say that it is the development of emotional intimacy with another person, is because acceptance from God is a given and doesn't require as much of a risk. 

Finally, the individual needs to determine if there are certain behaviors from herself or from her spouse that may contribute to the development of these fears and beliefs. For instance, perhaps a spouse is reluctant to share personal information because he will then be subject to questioning and accusations. As a result, emotional intimacy in the relationship declines. The person who is jealous will often take this as further evidence of cheating in the relationship, when, in fact, it is a result of the questioning and accusations. Or, for example, a jealous person has repeatedly harmed relationships through his accusations which he takes as evidence that women can never be trusted. 

The more you are aware of your behaviors and other's behavior that may maintain the beliefs, then you will be able to make better choices that can allow you to control the jealousy. In fact, the development of awareness can't be emphasized enough. You may need to spend some time at this point to assess your jealousy, the behaviors, and the outcomes based on the behaviors. 

*HOW DO YOU STOP IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?* 

Once you have determined the behavior, then you can make choices to change the behavior. Even though these feelings seem uncontrollable, that doesn't mean they are uncontrollable. However, you may need to make a commitment to the hard work involved in making changes. 

The following steps can help you with these changes: 

1) Make an effort to no longer engage in the self-defeating behavior. If you are questioning or making accusations, stop the behavior immediately. Whether you need to literally bite your tongue, go to another room, or talk to a friend, don't allow yourself to continue with this destructive behavior. Usually people engage in this behavior because initially it is reassuring to them and makes them feel better. But remind yourself that feeling better is just temporary and that it is a destructive behavior that must stop. 

2) Challenge the irrational thinking styles frequently. Identify how your thinking is irrational and remind yourself of why it is whenever you have the jealous thoughts. If is often beneficial to write this down. Some things that you may identify include the idea that there is no evidence, that the probability is remote, and that there is evidence to the contrary such as the loving things your spouse does for you. 

3) Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk. Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to "shut up." You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic. Some people use the rubber band method which involves the aversive stimulus of snapping a rubber band on your wrist whenever you have the jealous self-talk. 

4) Work on improving your self-esteem. Remember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself. Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem. Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself. 

5) Learn to be vulnerable and to develop emotional intimacy. For any relationship to be successful, you must be able to take risks. There are many ways to do this and you need to determine by assessing yourself what are the best ways for you to take risks. For instance, if you feel insecure, you might share these feelings with your spouse and talk about ways your spouse can help you feel more secure. Or if you are afraid of being vulnerable, you might decide to take small risks of sharing yourself, your feelings, and your fears with your spouse. 

Sometimes the process of developing awareness and challenging irrational beliefs may be too difficult to accomplish alone and a person may need assistance from a therapist. However, typically a good cognitive-behavioral therapist can point you in the right direction within a few sessions and then most of the work is up to you.


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## tashbash (Jan 24, 2006)

Nice article! Thanks for that.:icon_bigg


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## Pauline (Jan 28, 2006)

FANTASTIC ARTICLE!

Hi stellar_stina, I know exaclty how you feel. I myself used to suffer from insane jeaoulsy (take my word for it) so i can indentify with the feelings and obsessive thoughts you are probably experiencing. It sounds like you are having to cope with a lot of changes at the moment and becuase of your bf success you probably feel insecure which is only natural. It sounds like your bf try's to reasure you and wants you to be involved.It's good you can both talk. Since you are helping him with his business and being there for him,.he also needs to be there for you and your issues (ie..jealousy). Just like you help him, he needs to spend time helping and talking to you.It sounds like he loves and cares about you very much. Perhaps you both can read the article about jealousy so you both understand it and can work on it. I think it would be a good idea for you to get a self help book so you can work though this as the jealousy could always be an issue until you work through it.Understanding where jealousy comes from and why will help you to control it. Good Luck and you are doing very well considering how insecure you may be feeling at the moment (((hugs))). Keep talking and working things out.


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## Midori (Jan 28, 2006)

That's an interesting article, but I wonder if jealousy is really something to do with self esteem? Maybe we can override jealousy by thinking about it, but as an emotion it is purely natural. I think it may be the way we are meant to be, and an instinctive emotion to help us try to protect what we have in the world. Living in modern society puts us at odds with our instinctive selves, sometimes.

Just a thought...


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## Killah22 (Jan 28, 2006)

Jealously starts with the inside of you........you have to look at YOURSELF and like what you see back. You seem like a beautiful, attractive girl but YOU have to see that and know that you are, so basically, you're a little self-counsious about yourself, that's dealing with some self-esteem issues. You also need to trust your bf, yall seem to be head-over-hills for each other, so stop worrying about the other girls around your bf because you know that he is all yours, and not theirs and that he's into you.......you have the spot-light, so you shouldn't have anything to be jealous about.


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## lee123 (Jan 30, 2006)

Hey, I can be a really jealous person too. My boyfriend and I have been together almsot 2 years, live together, and talk marriage all the time. I still have my times though. Sometimes I feel like I just can't help it.

He's very social and outgoing and knows so many people when we go out, I get jeolous sometimes when girls talk to him b/c I dont know their history. . I moved to a different city to be with him (not too far but far enough I didn't have my own friends there).

It drove him crazy and I had to get over it. The longer we are together, the easier it gets. Sometimes my little brain goes crazy and I have to talk myself out of thinking bad thoughts or conjuring up situations. Usually re-focusing works for me.

Go with him to the club, look your hottest and be thankful that he's with you. Try to take it as a compliment  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## senelips (Feb 3, 2006)

The article says it all. Jealousy is definately about you , not him. You have to love yourself. Jealousy makes any relationship miserable. My husband was a player when we were dating . We both dated lots of people before eachother. He is also very outgoing, he never meets a stranger. He charms women young and old. It is just his personality and I know he means nothing by it . He is just very cute and nice. He makes people feel good about themselves. I know he loves me though and I am confident in his love for me. I have no need to worry or be jealous. Get the dealt with or it will ruin every relationship you have.


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