# I don't want to sound rude........



## jewele (Apr 12, 2009)

I'm getting married in September in Lake Tahoe, a very small, just close family type of wedding. Afterwards I want all of us to go up to a restaurant for dinner but the deal is we can't afford to pay for everybodies dinner. The place where I'm thinking of is about $30-$40 a plate. Is it rude for me to ask them to come and pay that amount for OUR wedding dinner? I am hoping to make a little bit of a contribution but I don't know if we can. I just want all of us to have a nice dinner on our special day. Plus if it is okay, how do I word it on the invitation? Is there a polite way to say please come to dinner with us but you have to pay for yourself???? I appreciate any advice.


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## Lucy (Apr 12, 2009)

hmm..

i don't think it's rude at all in these hard economic times! i think most people would be understanding. i know whenever i go out for a meal, whoeever it's with, if someone else wants to foot the bill i will ALWAYS offer them something. it's just how i've been raised. i think 99% of people would do that too, after all it's YOUR wedding. it's like going out for someone's birthday meal and making the birthday person pay for theirs!

if you really wanted to put it on the invitation, i'm sure if you put it as an optional sort of thing people would get the idea that they had to pay. like "please feel free to join us in the ____ restaurant for dinner afterwards!" and then maybe if the place has a website, put "prices and winelist to be found at http://restaurantURL.com". or if there is no website, just add in brackets, "meals start from $30" or however much it is.

but i sort of think people would just assume without it being on the invite. but if they don't, or if you're worried, maybe say at the start of the meal, "we thought it would be easier if we all paid for our own so then you feel free to choose to eat and drink what you want" or something like that. or maybe make a bit of a joke out of it, like "order what you want, but we're not paying!" lol. or maybe that's a bit too harsh, i don't know.

i'm rambling now, hope that helped!!


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Apr 12, 2009)

i think it is kinda rude to ask them to pay for there own food. maybe you could have a pot luck at your house and ask people to bring a dish? that i think would be a little better. also you could call the resturant a lot of times if youhave a large group they will make a special menu (that only has options in your price range) so you could get it down to like 15-20 dollars per person and maybe that will be affordable. if that is still not affordable enough i would suggest the pot luck or going to a less expensive resturant.

also if tyou ask them to pay for there food on the invite i would not be expecting gifts. and i would expect a lot less guests. times are tough and people are not going to want to pay for a gift and your wedding food.


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## HairEgo (Apr 12, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Orangeeyecrayon* /img/forum/go_quote.gif also if tyou ask them to pay for there food on the invite i would not be expecting gifts. and i would expect a lot less guests. times are tough and people are not going to want to pay for a gift and your wedding food. I agree with that....I mean if the prices at the place you are considering are too steep for you, why not look elsewhere? Not to be rude but I think its a bit tacky to ask GUESTS at YOUR wedding to pay for their own plates.


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## Ozee (Apr 13, 2009)

I don't think i've ever seen a wedding invite that has said - dinner pay your own- I think its just a given that since its a wedding food will be served. You could always just try finger food and cocktails somewhere if a sit down meal is too expensive. You can set a limit on the bar tab and once its reached the bar will stop serving. You can get some pretty reasonable finger/tappas styled foods now adays.

Sorry im not much help lol, food flows like water at the weddings i go too, you see whole sheeps and things on spits...Hey that another idea, how about a spit dinner? you pay for the meat and salads /breads etc.. You could have it in your own backyard or park or something.


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## jewele (Apr 13, 2009)

Thank you guys for your replies. I'm stuck.... the thing is it's like a quick 15 minute ceremony(like in vegas) with just 12 guests, my immediate family. The reception programs they have are for 30 guests or more, and the people coming are just both of our parents and our siblings. Everybody knows this is a quick informal wedding and I just want all of us to have dinner afterwards. Maybe since it's just our close family I'll just skip putting this in the invitation and just mention to everybody we are having dinner afterwards???


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Apr 13, 2009)

i guess that would work. or maybe since it is in vegas if you dont want to do anything super formal you could just have coctails. or a picnic (that would actually be pretty much awsome). or maybe something that is like super traditional vegas food


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## Darla (Apr 13, 2009)

you know the one thing i have found is that wedding trends are very regional and very variable. what might be unacceptable and out of the norm in eastern pennsylvania is not the same in nyc metropolitan area. In the first case all the guests bring a gift and it is considered bad manners to give money, in nyc it seems everyone gives money as a gift.

In some places it is up to the father of the bride to pay for the wedding, but in other cases it is different , it might be shared between the parents or the couple might pay for it themselves or as you suggest the guests pay for their own meal.

Just be prepared for someone to not come prepared with money if they think it is not appropriate. (my Aunt Joannie would have been like that)


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## reesesilverstar (Apr 13, 2009)

Ozee took it right out my mouth. I second doing a cocktail wedding with finger foods... My friend is getting married and they can't afford a full out feed the people type thing. So that idea was more in their price range. Make sure that your wedding is set between traditional meal times so ppl have time to really eat elsewhere.

Good luck and congrats!


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## blueangel1023 (Apr 13, 2009)

In Asian tradition, usually the groom's family pays for everything...this is why my mom stresses that I should marry an Asian guy (lol) but I don't see that happening at all anytime in the future! Another thing is we don't deal with the whole wedding gifts. Usually guests would give you money stuffed in red envelopes or gold jewelry as good luck, health, and happiness during your marriage. Therefore most of the money we get from the guests goes towards the dinner reception. So technically a couple isn't considered 'married' until they hold the drinking reception which is equivalent to American tradition of holding a dinner reception I suppose...lol

But yea, I agree with others it does seem tacky to put on the wedding invitation or imply they have to pay. You should discuss this with your family and the groom's family. I'm sure they'll be happy to pitch in some $$$ to pay for the guest's dinner. If this isn't within your budget, I'm sure you can hold a little dinner party at your place. Someone mentioned pot lock or getting finger food. I'm sure there's some catering services you can call that would be less expensive than booking a restaurant.


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## Johnnie (Apr 13, 2009)

Either have an affordable dinner, in which you pay for it, or don't have one at all.


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## Ozee (Apr 13, 2009)

Originally Posted by *blueangel1023* /img/forum/go_quote.gif In Asian tradition, usually the groom's family pays for everything...this is why my mom stresses that I should marry an Asian guy (lol) but I don't see that happening at all anytime in the future! Another thing is we don't deal with the whole wedding gifts. Usually guests would give you money stuffed in red envelopes or gold jewelry as good luck, health, and happiness during your marriage. Therefore most of the money we get from the guests goes towards the dinner reception. So technically a couple isn't considered 'married' until they hold the drinking reception which is equivalent to American tradition of holding a dinner reception I suppose...lol
.

we pin money or envolopes to the brides dress hehehe, money is fine as a gift in our culture aswell. After the Jewellery ceremony in my wedding i think i was about 2kg heavier lol.


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## tika (Apr 13, 2009)

Could you contact some restaurants and work out some sort of a dinner with a group/volume discount? That way, at least your guests would have to pay less.

Either way, I think that if they're paying then you should be clear when you invite them to the dinner, whether on the invitations or at the wedding itself, that they know it before attending the dinner. Otherwise they will naturally assume that you are paying.

Congrats on your wedding!


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## Adrienne (Apr 13, 2009)

You invite, you pay. You are inviting people to come to your celebration (whether it be your wedding right now or birthday bash later or anniversaries) so guests should not be expected to pay. I personally would not go to any celebration if I was required to. It's insulting and for all you know, your guests may be in a tight budget as well and might not be able to join you as much as they would love to.

I did find this wording that might be more appropriate if you seriously are in a very tight budget but then some still might not be able to show up.

Quote:
If you are inviting them as guests, then it is rude to expect them to pay for their own meals. However, you can avoid this situation with a simple re-wording of invitations. Simply say something like, "Following the wedding, the bride and groom will be celebrating their first meal as husband and wife at (X Restauraunt). They welcome anyone who wishes to join them for a dutch treat dinner." That way, you have not specifically "invited guests," but rather let your wedding guests know that they are invited to accompany you at a table at your dinner. Or, if you've planned for this to be more of a reception atmosphere, and if you'll have a wedding cake, you can word it as such: "The couple will be holding a cake-cutting ceremony at (X Restauraunt) following the wedding. Cake (and possibly punch, or something similar, if possible to arrange, because you should provide a beverage option if possible) will be provided, meals begin at $(menu prices)." The etiquitte in these situations lies entirely in the asking. Source


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## emily_3383 (Apr 13, 2009)

why not do it at home and ask everyone to bring a dish?


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## jewele (Apr 13, 2009)

Thanks again.......thinking about it more we decided we are going to save up and pay for everybody to have a meal. We have already said no gifts at all but they do need to pay for their own hotel rooms so having them pay for the dinner too, is rude. It is our celebration and we are totaly responsible for it all, including dinner.

You're suggestions really helped me!!! Thank you!!!


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## Adrienne (Apr 13, 2009)

Hope all goes well


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Apr 13, 2009)

I think that sounds like a good compramise you pay for the food they pay for their hotels (plus than people can stay and gamble or shop in vegas)


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## HairEgo (Apr 14, 2009)

Good luck!


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