# Having an issue in my relationship!



## rlise (Oct 29, 2006)

majority of ya'll muters dont know me really well. but i just need to an outsiders opinion/advice.

i have been with my BF for 5 years now, we have 2 kids. i really really love him sooo much and i really believe he does as well. but in the last 2 1/2 months i just dont know who he is anymore. he has started doing major druggs again, lying to me , cheating (my gut tells me yes but he swears NO) . i mean i have no clue how to over this hurdle we have. i am very nosey, i go through all of his stuff looking for evidence , but he knows im a snooper , so i dont think he would leave anything for me to find. i stay at home with the boyz, i have no life, we just sit at home , and go grocery shopping. so my BF wants to pretty much have his single life back, he wants to go out once a week, party, do druggs, etc... i dont really have a problem with druggs, or atleast i didnt, untill he would lie to me about it. everytime he goes he is like ill be back in 2 hours, and one night he didnt come home till the next day. then while he was supposedly working at his shop for an open house type thing, he getts sooo trashed and doesnt come home till midnight, while his mom was in town, and never once called me and told me a damn thing. then has the nerve to drive home, wrecks his car all up, passes out on the ground outside, and says i cant remember anything. i have done as many as 6-7 druggs in one night and i can remember every detail, well anyways the next day i look through his phone, find that he called 2 chicks while he was drunk as a skunk on the way , later that week, he deletes the numbers , telling me when i question him, that he doesnt know who those numbers were, yet he placed the calls. i mean am I IMAGINING THINGS??????? then last week , he is working late and calls me to tell me that he is going to yet again go get some "stuff" well i was got pissed , he told me he wasnt going to do that stuff anymore. well he told me he was nearby and whatever, well he didnt have any cash on him, so i was like how you going to pay? blah blah, come to find out later in the conversation , he already went and did some and lied to me telling me he had not! well tonight , here i am again, at home ALONE with my kids , while he is out doing "stuff" he was supposed to be back by like 830 9pm and he still isnt here. i want to call him so bad, but if i do i will regret the words that i will for sure say..... ladies , im needing some adive here! what should i say, do ? HELP


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## Annia (Oct 29, 2006)

I am really bad at giving advice, only because I don't know how to express myself very well. So all I am going to say is, please keep yourself and your children safe. I would report him, get him counseling, because you've already tried talking to him and that doesn't seem to work. The best time to talk to him is when both of you are calm... so don't start a serious conversation while both of you are in an argument.

I am sorry, I am really no help, but I am sure other MUT'ers will give wonderful advice. I have never been in this situation so I can't relate. Just please take care of yourself. This will pass eventually, as long as you take care of this delicate situation. Definitely call around, a caseworker etc to find info on how to deal with him.. because I think he needs intervention and one person isn't enough.


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## rlise (Oct 29, 2006)

i didnt mean to sound as if he is putting me and my kids in unsafe situations or anything, he just does that to himself. and thank god they are always sleeping when he comes home. i know that my post sounds horribly bad, its not that bad, its just frustrating when you love someone who wants to be elsewhere ya know! but thank you mucha girl!


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## han (Oct 29, 2006)

well if your gut is telling you something it's probley right and guys are lazy and if he's doing drugs he will slip and youll find the evidence your looking for but what are you gonna do when you find proof and i dont know what drugs hes doing but you know when your ****ed up you do lose track of time i dont know about him calling the girls thats shady you might have to put your foot down and let him know if things dont change youll kick him out me and my husband went through a rough patch after 4 years together and i ignored him for about four months and wouldnt talk to him he's been right every since some times they dont realize what they have untill there fixing to lose it or it's gone and if you belive that he loves you he will wake up you might have to get exstrem with it sorry girl your going through this i know your head is all ****ed up it sucks i hope your gonna be alright were all her for you and you can always pm me if you want to talk


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## Aquilah (Oct 29, 2006)

I'm sorry to hear this Elise! If it seems that everything is telling you nothing but negatives, then it might be time to sever ties. No matter how much you love him or how long you've been together. Sucks to say, especially with two kids, but it might be what you need. I need to remember to leave Yahoo! open... IM me next time you're on... Since I know how Augusta works, I can give you some info on what to do should you need to do it


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## Dragonfly (Oct 29, 2006)

I am a single parent with a 13 year old boy. Everytime I get into a dilema, I ask myself if "it" is in the best interst of my son. "It" could be: dating a man, staying with him, doing drugs, allowing drugs to be in my life and therefore in my son's life.

Focusing on my son's needs keeps me grounded and helps me to make better decisions. I know what it is to be in a healthy relationship. And I know what it is to be in a healthy relationship that becomes toxic. Hopefully, your relationship will work itself out and your man will become more responsible.

All the best to you and your kids, hun.


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## rlise (Oct 30, 2006)

well last night was one crazy *** night. im still young at heart and get nutty over him. so anyways, i called my mom at like 2am and was like i need you to come over here and stay with the kids and i need your truck. well she comes and i leave, going searching for him, well after like 2 hours of riding around everywhere i could think of, i came home and he decided to grace me with his presence after 20 voicemails, and 50 calls. he had over $300 on him and i knew he would blow it all, and at 4am he came home and i was ready to fight! seriously i had my shoes on and hair pulled up. it was nuttz. well i told him that he has 2 choices, he either wants his family, or druggs and whatever else. he said his choice no matter what , is US . and after a very long long conversation till 6am i told him that no matter what , i will help him with his problem and that until he can control his urges, he cant do anything but go to work and come home. i mean i know i sound like his mother, but its my life too and i WILL have SAY SO over it, ya know! just had to add he blew freaking $325 last night!

so hopefully this will be the end of all the bull crud! it will be hard, and im sure he will crack but if its only a few small times then i can stay with him, but if not , i told he will lose me and the kids forever! so we will see... pray for me girls!


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## pinkbundles (Oct 30, 2006)

I don't know about this. The fact that you guys have a chidlren together makes it ten times harder. But you really need to end it. That or he gets his act together. His behaviour is not healthy for either of you.


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## Cool Kitten (Oct 30, 2006)

wow...I hope you understand that if he doesn't straighten up the only healthy thing for you to do is leave him.

He should be in rehab at this point.


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## Annia (Oct 30, 2006)

Like I said.. I don't know if 1 person is good enough to intervene. Most people (who aren't experienced, at all) try to tackle these situations and fail or the situation repeats itself.

I am praying that he will actually listen, which is really hard for men, because they like to be in control and make their own decisions.. that he will listen and open his eyes. But, please realize that your attempt may not work, that doesn't mean your relationship will fail but you may need an outsider to mediate. Could be a mature friend.. some one experienced; doesn't have to be a shrink or what ever.

Also, his friends may be a help in creating this problem, by this cycle repeating. He may need to get a new set a friends.. ones that will not promote this type of behavior.

Now as I said before, I am not good at giving advice because I haven't been in this situation but this is just my honest opinion. And since I don't believe that giving him an ultimatum is the right way to handle it.. I really have to say, you should still research this and ask a professional or some one with higher wisdom on this type of behavior. To, try and eradicate it.

Doing it yourself, can just help his behavior recycle its self. He's not learning anything by saying it's us or your pleasure, I hope you understand me. But I have been in similar situations where they repeat themselves... and just giving an ultimatum doesn't work because I have never learned that way. Especially if he has a rebelious side. Instead of giving an ultimatum, you could say.. I will not tolerate this and if it continues I will have to make a decision. A decision, on what to do about this, because your "cure" (of giving him an ultimatum doesn't sound constructive) I know if I was him, I wouldn't listen. I don't know but, I honestly wish you good luck from my heart and I am glad you're safe.

Take care,

Annia


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## luxotika (Oct 30, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Cool Kitten* /img/forum/go_quote.gif wow...I hope you understand that if he doesn't straighten up the only healthy thing for you to do is leave him.He should be in rehab at this point.

I totally agree. Go with what your gut is telling you.


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## VenusGoddess (Oct 30, 2006)

In my experience, you stepping in like mommy is a losing battle. He's a grown man and he's going to eventually start being resentful of your "control" over his life. Your ultimatum, in my honest opinion, should have been, you go to couseling and rehab or you leave here permanently. You "putting" your foot down by telling him he has a curfew and all that stuff is only going to backfire. It'll work for a little while because he's going to kiss your butt (maybe) but once his addictions take over, again...its adios, sweetheart.

Besides...you have 2 REAL children to be taking care of. Why would you want to take care of a full grown man? This is not about love...its about co-dependancy. You think that your kids do not know that there is something going on? You think that because they are sleeping when he comes home that they don't know something is up? They may not know EXACTLY what is going on...but I guarantee you that they know something "wrong" is happening. Just because you don't vocalize the issues to them doesn't mean that they don't know.

I really hope you do what is best for you...but I can tell you now, as a child of an addict, that these ultimatums do not work...and by continuing to stay in this situation, you are reaffirming the dysfunction to your children. This is more about loving yourself more to leave an unhealthy lifestyle than loving someone who is causing you pain more to stay.


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## AngelaGM (Oct 30, 2006)

it must be very difficult to be in this situation. BUT the best you could do for yourself and your children is to leave him.... But the only one that can make that decision is YOU.... Good Luck and you are in my thoughts.


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## speerrituall1 (Oct 30, 2006)

It's time to place your children and yourself first. Map out a plan and get on with your life. You say you've been through this before, why should he change? You haven't gone anywhere. He needs to decide what he values more, drugs or family.


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## han (Oct 30, 2006)

i guess i would have to agree if hes doing drugs and cheating you need to think about whats best for the kids you dont want them taken away and all it takes is for him to do something stupid i would seperate untill he got his act together and if he dont move on because if you make it easy for him why should he change like i said befor i have been in simular situation i didnt get possitive results untill i left him for six months i cut all comunacation off and we have kids together but that was the only way for me to either move on or him get a wakeup call and it's been great every since you just have to put your foot down if he truly loves you and the kids he will wake up you deserve more respect and your kids too


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## rlise (Oct 30, 2006)

well , i really dont know what will happen, all i know is whats going on now, and yea he has done me and the kids pretty dirty, but he says he chooses me and the kids, so all i can do is wait and see, meanwhile, im going to look for a job , just incase the crap happens again. i mean i told him that if he did it again that i will leave, and never come back. i am a person that sticks to what i say. but i am very much scared at the same time. i mean when i got pregnant the 1st time, we both said that we will work whatever out, because we are going to have a baby soon and he deserves both of us together as a family. so im really tryin to give my boyz the best life and at this juncture , I know what i have said, decided is right. now if he F*cks it up again, well i will hopefully have found a job and money saved up , incase i do need to move on.

thank you very much ladies, its nice to hear all of you concerning replies, lets me know that there are options!


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## selene (Oct 31, 2006)

Why do you need to be the one to leave the residence if he messes up? Let him be the one to leave.

You may want to contact an Alanon organization, and see if they can address the issues you are dealing with. I know you said "drugs" and not "alcohol," but if al-anon cannot help you learn to deal effectively with this dysfunctional person, maybe they can refer you to a group that can.

*link dead adjusted per admin*


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## geebers (Oct 31, 2006)

I am confused- youare trying to have another baby with him?? Please wait for at least a few years before trying! It WILL take that much time to be certain he is serious about shaping up.


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## rlise (Oct 31, 2006)

Originally Posted by *geebers* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I am confused- youare trying to have another baby with him?? Please wait for at least a few years before trying! It WILL take that much time to be certain he is serious about shaping up. no i cant have kids anymore, i got my tubes tied, but i was refering to what was said when iw as pregnant with our first child


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## geebers (Oct 31, 2006)

*whew*

Thanks for clarifying that. I thought maybe I misread that but got worried.


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## lovelyarsenic (Oct 31, 2006)

I wish I could give you some great&amp; mighty words of wisdom Lise, but I have never been in a situation like this before. I do know that whatever happens (love or not) that you&amp; your children deserve to be happy&amp; to be treated right - so whatever happens please make sure you stay safe. We all care about you - remember that!! Keep us updated. *Hugs*


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## rlise (Nov 1, 2006)

thanx lovelyarsenic BTW whats your real name, gosh i cant remember anything anymore LOL L


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