# Really need to vent



## littletingoddes (Oct 9, 2006)

I've been really depressed since Saturday, and I need to vent. My husband is on another one of those "I'm mad at you so I refuse to talk to you" kicks again. It started on Saturday. He had to go to his office and do some paperwork, and offered to take our daughter with him. She like to play on the office computer there, it's high speed and she can visit the websites our slow computer can't handle. He suggested me stopping by the office at noon, to pick her up, and we'd all go out to lunch. Cool. So, I come at noon, we all go to McDonald's. Not where I wanted to go, but we let anna choose. There's one employee taking orders, and a manager filling them. He walks up the manager and starts rattling off hte order, and she politely told him that register wasn't open. He went off on her, with this sarcastic "Oh, you were just filling orders there, I guess I'll go stand over HERE" remark. Very loudly. I was shocked, and totally embarassed. I've dealt with customers who act like that, and they are the worst. I calmly told him, please don't act like that, and if he keeps it up, I'm not eating with him. and he starts in on me, loudly. I still calmly ask him to not yell. He goes, "why not? You do all the time!" Yes, I had yelled at our daughter that morning, but after asking her to do something 5 times in a calm voice and getting no action, I'm going to raise the volume a bit! I told him that our daughter and I were going to get lunch somewhere else, took her hand, and we left. He calls me before I'm even home on my cell, screaming at me! I can't believe you did that!! and other stuff. He hasn't talked to me since. If he needs to tell me something, he gets Anna to do it. Now, I can understand him being irked I left. BUT... he hadn't even ordered the food yet, so there was no food or money wasted. I warned him I'd do it. All that was hurt was his pride, but he's acting like it was this heinous thing. I confronted him about it tonight. He's STILL pissed at me for leaving!! And he won't talk to me til I apologize?? For what? I'm not the one who had a tantrum in the middle of McDonald's! And to top it off, he's purposely not worn his wedding ring the past few days.


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## bluebird26 (Oct 9, 2006)

Did you tell him not to do the yelling in front of people? He must have felt embarrassed. Anyway, I don't think there is any excuse on yelling that way, unless he's having another kind of problem at work or may be at home.

I used to do the "I'll stop talking to you" thing before when I'd get upset but my husband taught me humility when he was the one apologizing even though he hadn't done anything wrong.

Sorry that's happening to you guys. There are always ways to solve problems like this, I wish there were psychologist or that sorta people here (may be there are!) cos I feel like ranting big too sometimes! ehehe


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## littletingoddes (Oct 10, 2006)

No, when I was talking to him at McDonald's it was just between the two of us. I don't think our daughter even heard me. And I didn't make a big production out of leaving. Just left. Maybe he is under stress. But I don't understand how he can be such a jerk, but expect me to apologize for not putting up with it for once.


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## jessimau (Oct 10, 2006)

Well I'm here. I'm not a psychologist yet, but I'm working on gettting into a program that'll let me be a marriage and family therapist.

Littletingoddess, I'm sorry your husband's being a jerk to you now. He may well have been embarassed by the fact that you left with your daughter, even though you didn't say anything loudly enough for others to have heard. If he was making a scene, other people would've been looking and they would've seen you leave. If you want the silent treatment to end, you probably will need to apologize for abandoning him at McDonald's. You also might want to apologize for not considering the stress he might be under at work (and he probably is under stress if he had to go in and do work on a Saturday).


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## littletingoddes (Oct 10, 2006)

I don't feel that I abandoned him, though. I told him I'd leave if he kept up his ranting (I didn't use those words, though, I was much kinder), and when he didn't, that's when I left. He had a choice to modify his behavior, I would have stayed then. I really didn't want our daughter to see that if you cause enough of a fuss, you get your way, either. THis time of year is always stressful at his work. But he always become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at this time of year, too, and we've had many discussions about it. I have acknowledged his stress... he does absolutley NOTHING around the house. No housework, no laundry, no yard work.


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## Aquilah (Oct 10, 2006)

Personally, IMHO, if John ever yelled at me in public to where others could here, I'd bolt without even thinking about it! So what if he got embarrassed because YOU left... What about YOU being embarrassed for him yelling at you or the manager in front of others?! Mind you, that's almost tit-for-tat, but still. I honestly see no need for you to apologize to him UNLESS no one knew he was being snide with you first. You did warn him, so if he knows you're generally good on you word, he should've expected it!

Also, your poor daughter is getting dragged into the whole ordeal, and I recommend telling her the next time she comes to you for him, "That whatever it is he needs, if he needs it bad enough, he can come to me. You don't need to play messenger for Daddy." Or however that should better be worded based on you and your daughter.

I'm not sure if that helped too much, but I hope it did to some degree. I wish you the best with this, and I hope it all dies down/clears up soon!


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Oct 10, 2006)

I am proud of you for not taking any crap. You are a strong woman and I love it!! We need more like you now a days. But back to the dilema, well talk to him and tell him he is not a child, that you 2 are in a partnership and what kind of example is he setting for the child, like that. And that you need to talk about it.

Get him to open up so he starts telling you what is so bothering him.


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## pinkbundles (Oct 10, 2006)

wow. i don't know what to tell you except that he shouldn't be doing that.

i think talking to him when he's calm is your best bet to approach the subject and explain your thoughts and feelings. but if bringing it up pisses him off, then there's really no room for communication.

which then you should think about or talk to someone about.


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## jessimau (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm not saying that you abandoned him or that you didn't take his feelings into consideration. I'm saying he feels you abandoned him and maybe also embarassed him. Yes, it's good that you didn't put up with his attitude and left, following through on your word, but now you either continue to receive the silent treatment or you make the first steps towards some sort of detente. Even though I don't think you're in the wrong at all, he feels you are and will continue to be a jerk. He's probably trying to make a point, in a very wrong-headed way. Or he could be trying to control and manipulate you. Either way, all I'm saying is that if you want the silent treatment to end soon, you'll have to take the first step. It could be as simple as saying "I'm sorry, I know you're under a lot of stress and you wouldn't normally act that way. I was upset by it because of some work experiences I've had and so reacted badly. I'm sorry if what I did hurt you." Or something like that.


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## Dragonfly (Oct 10, 2006)

Something bothers me. You said that he talks to you through Anna. This is unhealthy for many reason 1) it shows that he doesn't understand/respect boundaries 2) It is stressful for Anna to be caught between two adults - she is a child being asked to relay conversation that is adult-oriented.

Even though he probably needs anger management, he can control himself. He chose to scream at you on the phone, not in a McDonald's parking lot.

Maybe he is experiencing stress that he has not shared with you. Men like to think they can take on anything and not discuss feelings about it.

However, you don't want Anna seeing her father being mean to you. If this continues, it will affect her self esteem as she grows up. And if she sees her father's disrespect toward you, she will learn it is expected of her to take BS from men.

If he continues, he needs to understand his behaviour is affecting Anna negatively. Sometimes children can be the catalyst for change.


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## VenusGoddess (Oct 10, 2006)

Personally, I don't think you owe him an apology. He was way out of line and disprespectful...not only to you but to the McD's worker. HE is the one who owes an apology to you, your daughter, and that woman at McD's. It doesn't matter if someone is under stress at work...it does not give them the right to treat others with disrespect.

As for him telling your daughter to tell you something because he's being a baby...tell him that he is NOT to use your daughter as a messenger and when he's feeling adult enough, he can tell you himself. But, that the whole "go tell mommy this" thing is unacceptable.

This is a temper tantrum being thrown by a grown man who is being made to deal with the consequences of his actions, words, behavior, choices, and decisions. You did nothing wrong. Let him have his temper tantrum...when he's done, then talk the issue out. But, trying to talk with someone who's having a temper tantrum is like trying to push paper through a brick wall (as I'm sure you've experienced with your daughter). Just leave him be...don't let it bother you...and when the tantrum is over...have a nice, long sit-down about what happened and do the make-up from there. If you give in now, and start apologizing because he's being a jerk and not wearing his wedding ring (wow...) then he'll learn that every time he throws a temper tantrum and takes his wedding ring off, you'll apologize. That's not healthy for either of you.


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## littletingoddes (Oct 17, 2006)

I haven't, and I'm not going to, apologize for standing my ground. That would be like apologizing to my daughter after punishing her. It's been a power trip for him, expecting me to apologize just because I wanted him to talk to me again. I'm stronger than that. I'm not going to compromise what I believe in for him, I did that in the past, but not anymore.

He has started talking to me again (it took a week), but we haven't talked about what happened yet.


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## mabelwan (Oct 19, 2006)

I'm so sorry that this happened to you! I understand how you feel cuz I'd this kinda of situation before. The only suggestion for you is you really need to talk to him and let him know he's the one who did something wrong. Problem need to be solved as soon as possible. Even though he has started talking to you, you guys didn't even mention that and it means the problem still existed. Not mentioning the problem is a way to avoid problem-solving. Only working out the solutions of the problem can you have a happy family.


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## mrom (Oct 19, 2006)

it sounds like there are some underlying problems here. did something else happen before that which could of caused his mood? regardless, it's no excuse for his behavior, but there is the possibility that something else caused him to act this way. you two really do need to talk about this or it will only get worse. the key to a good relationship is communication.(i know, i know-corny but true)


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## Ricci (Oct 22, 2006)

I disagree with apologizing to him .. if she does he will keep yelling at her.

Originally Posted by *jessimau* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm not saying that you abandoned him or that you didn't take his feelings into consideration. I'm saying he feels you abandoned him and maybe also embarassed him. Yes, it's good that you didn't put up with his attitude and left, following through on your word, but now you either continue to receive the silent treatment or you make the first steps towards some sort of detente. Even though I don't think you're in the wrong at all, he feels you are and will continue to be a jerk. He's probably trying to make a point, in a very wrong-headed way. Or he could be trying to control and manipulate you. Either way, all I'm saying is that if you want the silent treatment to end soon, you'll have to take the first step. It could be as simple as saying "I'm sorry, I know you're under a lot of stress and you wouldn't normally act that way. I was upset by it because of some work experiences I've had and so reacted badly. I'm sorry if what I did hurt you." Or something like that.


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## jessimau (Oct 23, 2006)

Originally Posted by *Battygurl* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I disagree with apologizing to him .. if she does he will keep yelling at her. The only reason I brought it up was because I know that sometimes men can be extra-stupidly stubborn and, even when they're in the wrong, keep acting like bull-headed jerks, because of their pride. So if she wanted an immediate fix to the situation, apology was the way to go. I don't think it's healthy long term and I think he has a lot of underlying issues, but when someone brings up an issue like this I try to be as non-judgmental as possible and give everyone in the situation the benefit of the doubt. Now that she's posted an update it's clear that all of this has been a huge power strugle by him and that there's a very unhealthy pattern being developed. My advice now would have nothing to do with an apology. But when someone wants to work out issues in their relationship, they need to be able to see not just their version of events, but their SO's version as well.


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## tann (Oct 24, 2006)

i'm sorry that happened. but i guess i can say don't back down. that behavior is unaccepable in public, and in front of your child isn't good. you gave him fair warning. his pride was in the way.


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## BrazenBrunhilda (Oct 24, 2006)

You have a right to vent. My husband has gone off on employees of stores before and embarassed me so much I have wanted to crawl under the counter. I feel your pain. Hopefully he will understand your beef and you two can talk. And taking his ring off was just mean. I worked in retail many a year and I was always freaked out when a customer unloaded on me. It is distressing, disturbing, and a little scary, even if the person on the giving end is harmless and just mad. Hang in there and good luck.


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## xXMelissaXx (Oct 24, 2006)

I hate rude customers. I'm glad you told your husband to stop yelling.


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## StrangerNMist (Nov 9, 2006)

Originally Posted by *littletingoddes* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I've been really depressed since Saturday, and I need to vent. My husband is on another one of those "I'm mad at you so I refuse to talk to you" kicks again. It started on Saturday. He had to go to his office and do some paperwork, and offered to take our daughter with him. She like to play on the office computer there, it's high speed and she can visit the websites our slow computer can't handle. He suggested me stopping by the office at noon, to pick her up, and we'd all go out to lunch. Cool. So, I come at noon, we all go to McDonald's. Not where I wanted to go, but we let Anna choose. There's one employee taking orders, and a manager filling them. He walks up the manager and starts rattling off hte order, and she politely told him that register wasn't open. He went off on her, with this sarcastic "Oh, you were just filling orders there, I guess I'll go stand over HERE" remark. Very loudly. I was shocked, and totally embarassed. I've dealt with customers who act like that, and they are the worst. I calmly told him, please don't act like that, and if he keeps it up, I'm not eating with him. and he starts in on me, loudly. I still calmly ask him to not yell. He goes, "Why not? You do all the time!" Yes, I had yelled at our daughter that morning, but after asking her to do something 5 times in a calm voice and getting no action, I'm going to raise the volume a bit! I told him that our daughter and I were going to get lunch somewhere else, took her hand, and we left. He calls me before I'm even home on my cell, screaming at me! I can't believe you did that!! and other stuff. He hasn't talked to me since. If he needs to tell me something, he gets Anna to do it. Now, I can understand him being irked I left. BUT... he hadn't even ordered the food yet, so there was no food or money wasted. I warned him I'd do it. All that was hurt was his pride, but he's acting like it was this heinous thing. I confronted him about it tonight. He's STILL pissed at me for leaving!! And he won't talk to me til I apologize?? For what? I'm not the one who had a tantrum in the middle of McDonald's! And to top it off, he's purposely not worn his wedding ring the past few days. I'm really sorry that you have to put up with such a ****** of a husband! What he's doing is incredibly immature, and you DO NOT have to put up with that crap! The guy really needs to cool his jets and really THINK about what he's doing before he does any more damage to this relationship. What also blows my mind is how he's using his daughter to relay messages to you, which is definitely a VERY UNHEALTHY thing to do, especially to someone that age.

I don't know you, and I don't know what the situation is fully, but if he's going to pull something like that then I think it's time that you went to talk to somebody - hopefully he'll be able to work through his issues a little bit better.

*Great Big Bear Hugz* I wish you all this best, and I hope this all blows over! You're in my prayers.


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## monkachia (Nov 9, 2006)

I'm really sorry. My father does that and embarasses my mom too. He's stubborn as all hell and bad tempers run in my family. I'm not sure how to comfort you except to tell you that you are not alone and I hope things get better for you sweety.


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