# How to Toughen Myself Up? Need Advice.



## Maja (Apr 30, 2006)

I'm such a cry-baby. Everytime I get into conflict with someone I end up in tears; not always in front of that person, but later at home.

I know it doesn't make things better, but I can't help it. And I hate it, but the tears just come.

I wasn't always like that, it's just the last couple of years that everything and everyone gets to me. I really don't know what to do, but I need to toughen myself up, before I start a job and family. I don't want to spend my whole life crying whenever something bad happens. And I also don't want to allow people getting to me that much.

What should I do? Any ideas?


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## icecastles (Apr 30, 2006)

You remind me of myself back in the day. After wasting my tears on people who were a waste of them, I decided that enough is enough. I don't know when exactly I stopped being so sensitive but it's great for me to finally have a backbone and stand up for me.

When someone says something hurtful to you, try and realize that what they're saying has nothing to do WITH you. They are the one with the problem. They're the one with the issue not you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I hope that helped some.


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## cardboardboxed (Apr 30, 2006)

Are you depressed? Maybe you're socially anxious? I mean, it's a possibility but not the /only/ possibility, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty wussy too, and tend to overreact, but after I was put on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds it got better.

I think you just have to be less hard on yourself and not take everything so personally.


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## eightthirty (Apr 30, 2006)

I used to be like that. I don't know how I overcame it, but I just did. It may have been when I had my son that I started to realize the 5 W's of what I needed to care about. I don't have any advice ATM, but I'll try to dig and recall what prompted me to change. There is nothing wrong with being emotional IMO. That just makes you who you are.

Do you have any examples of recent situations that you could share? What kind of conflicts are you speaking of?


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## Anyah_Green (Apr 30, 2006)

ok...this may not be the mosst helpful advise...buttt....I would say don't worry about it. You will "toughen up" from life's everyday curve balls. Unless ( as someone menioned above) it may be depression. In that case meds will help sooo much! I take Prozac and it has made my life so much more manageable. I don't have the highs and lows like I used to have. I'm more even. Does that make sence?

So I would say if it's depression ( and only YOU can answer that) meds are sooooo important. If it's a little funk you're in hen don't sweat it. It will pass. I know it did for me.

I wish you the best and if you need any support let us know. We're always going to be here for ya.

Luv Anne-Marie


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## Maja (Apr 30, 2006)

I'm not depressed at all. I love life, I'm happy 99% of the time, I'm always laughing and smiling. I just can't deal with conflicts.

I think I really do take things too personally.

Here's an example, that happened this morning: My family is planning a sort od a family gathering the day after tomorrow and, of course, there's a lot that needs to be done. I was away all day yesterday and my sister was home all day, watching TV, doing nothing. When I confronted her this morning, we started arguing about nothing at all; just a bunch of meaningless words ... and...I ended up crying. I wish I could say, that I don't care about things, but I do.. I care too much. She ended up doing everything, and I know it wasn't worth crying, it's just... I don't know..

I think I need to learn how to not worry and care about everything so much; how not to give a damn.


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## KristieTX (Apr 30, 2006)

I can sympathize completely with what you're saying. I tend to let what people say bother me a lot more than it should. I also tend to have panic attacks when someone confronts me on something. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications have really helped me with that.


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## Kelly (Apr 30, 2006)

I can cry very easily too. My hubby actually watches how he confronts me with certain situations, because he knows I'll cry. If my kids stress me out too much, I cry. If moneys too tight or on the minus side, I cry. If I'm over excited about something I cry, even if its a good excitement. If I'm overly happy or proud of something or someone, yep, I cry.

Then there are times, when I should have cried, and I don't....those times I feel 'cold'. I'm just a very emotional person, and I've come to accept it. I'm not good at confrontation or being lectured (never was as a child either).


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## Kelly (Apr 30, 2006)

Here's a good reason, Maychi....if you haven't read this, it's a good read:

A little boy asked his mother, "why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand" he said.

His mom just hugged him and said,

"And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father,

" Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still

wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God.

When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said, "When I made the woman

She had to be a special.

*I made her shoulders strong enough*



*To carry the weight of the world, yet gentle*

*enough to give comfort.* 
*I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth*

*and the rejection that many times comes from*


*her children.**I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going*

*When everyone else gives up, and take care of*

*her family through sickness and fatigue*

*without complaining.*

*I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under*

*any and all circumstances, even when her child*

*has hurt her very badly.*

*I gave her the strength to carry her husband*

*through his faults, and fashioned her from his*

*rib to protect his heart.*

*I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never*

*hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve*

*to stand beside him. unfalteringly.*



*And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.*


*This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed"*

"You see my son," said God,
"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes,

because that is the doorway to her heart ---the place where love resides."


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## cardboardboxed (Apr 30, 2006)

I think you may have some type of anxiety disorder, or at least what you described sounds like symptoms of an anxiety disorder. It's actually really common, and though some people with anxiety disorders are depressed, some are like as you mentioned, happy most of the time and loves life, but can go to pieces in the face of conflict. I really think you mostly just need to take things less seriously, and realize that it's okay if everything's not perfect and if someone criticizes you, it's not YOU they are criticizing, but usually the situation. So try to take things with a grain of salt and not so personally.

Also, if you feel like you're starting to get overwhelmed, try to do something that will de-stress you, like a bath/shower, sit back and read for a little bit, smeel some lavendar, drink some chanomile tea, etc.


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## brownubia (Apr 30, 2006)

I understand you completely because I am so much like that. I can cry at the simpliest thing my boyfriend or mom says to me. I know for a fact that I am a sensitive person but I only cry when it pertains to an argument with my bf or mom.

I have come to the conclusion that I am just an emotional person. If I am happy...I am extremelly happy and If I'm upset...everyone knows it. I try not to focus on toughening up too much because I realize this is what makes me who I am. Everyone expresses themselves differently so don't feel bad about it.

I do understand what you mean about wanting to toughen up so when you have a family though. I know it's easier said then done but learn not to take everything someone says to heart. My bf commented that I have gotten tougher since we first met...I still have a ways to go though:laughing:


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## Lia (Apr 30, 2006)

I don't think it's the case of an anxiety disorder... It's just an aspect of her personality, i have a friend like that , but only time can teach... I don't cry but i used never to spoke myself and argue when i thought something wasn't right... But with time i learnt how to speak more and say when i'm angry


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## KISKA (May 1, 2006)

I disagree. I think if someone is depressed, they should't just jump to medication. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and used to be depressed on a continuous basis and I am able to get it under control without any medication. It can be hard no doubt but it is possible. I would rather get it under control MYSELF even though it can be hard than depend on a drug all my life. Sure I still do have some bad days but that is only normal. No one can be happy ALL the time. Anyways my point is don't just run to the drug counter when your feeling "mentally unstable".

Crying is normal and actually relieves stress. If I feel like crying, I just let it all out instead of trying to stop myself, then I actually feel better when I am done than having it bottled up. Of cource, if you cry ALL the time for little reasons (like your mustard doesn't taste right) then you have a problem you need to work on.


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## Lia (May 1, 2006)

One thing is to feel sad and cry because of it. Another one is to not have strength not even to get up on the morning, feel no pleasure on doing things that you once had so fun doing, cry for no reason. The real depression is really a serious thing, and it's a disturb on the chemical function of the brain and cannot be controlled only thinking on positive things.

I do agree that taking drugs without needing is bad, and it's true to every medication in whole earth, but the drugs help when only ourselves can't do the job


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## VenusGoddess (May 1, 2006)

^ There is no problem on this earth that you need a drug for...I personally believe that we have conditioned ourselves to think the opposite.

Maychi, I think it is wonderful that you are so sensitive. I think you should not worry about "toughening" yourself up, but respect your need to cry and allow yourself to do so without beating yourself up about it. Also, I think you should also look at what you are leaving unsaid. Are there things that you really need to say that you are not allowing yourself to say?

Tears are an expression of energy. Remember, when we are not releasing energy, they still have to move...so they'll come out in other ways. But, do not think that just because you are easily moved to tears that it is a bad thing. There are a lot of people who simply have hardened themselves to the point that they CANNOT cry...for any reason.

Keep a journal...and when you feel that you need to cry, go write in your journal, have a good cry and then you can go back and see if there is something that you need to work on.

But, don't beat yourself up about being sensitive. It takes a sensitive person to deal well with the world...it's the "tougher" personalities that usually find themselves in the dark places they'd rather not be in.

Here's a ((((hug)))).


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## KISKA (May 1, 2006)

I believe it's the depression that causes the chemical imbalance in the brain,not the other way around. A continuous state of emotional disturbance(depression in this case) forces the brain to cycle through important neurotransmitters too quickly creating the chemical imbalance.

We CAN control the way we feel by changing our thoughts and behaviour. It's not as simple as positive thinking but they is a way to change our thinking patterns so we are able to break the continuous cycle of an emotional disturbance(such as depression). You can look into "Cognitive therapy".


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## Maja (May 1, 2006)

Thank you all for your opinions!

Kelly, that story is beautiful!


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## pieced (May 1, 2006)

This is just the way you deal with the issue, It gives you reflief to cry it, and instead of holding the hurt and anger inside. A good cry is never a bad thing. It's just your emotional way of dealing with things. You are in a confrontal situation, and you had a discussing, and then you feel a certain way, so crying for you is the best to deal with. Just be you, and if it means crying, then cry away...


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## jennycateyez (May 1, 2006)

sorry you feel that way, you just have a big heart and is always caring. i have no advice because im the complete oppisite.


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## care11 (May 1, 2006)

I think that cognitive therapy can work for some but...not everyone. There are so many neurological and psychological disorders that can cause depression that scientific medicine knows very little about other than the fact that dopamine and other neurotransmitters aren't produced in adequate quanaties that to say that all can be treated without the use of medications is in my opinion irresponsible.

For example, I have multiple sclerosis. I have *lesions* on my *brain*. These lesions prohibit my body from performing certain functions. IE maintaining the proper balance of certain chemicals in my body, maintaining balance while walking, knowing when I need to pee, the list goes on. To say that I don't need an extra boost is ridiculous. My list of meds keeps me walking, keeps me from pissing on myself and keeps me from slitting my wrists. Am I the only one in this boat? I think not. Our bodies are flawed and can't always performed as designed.

2nd example - my little brother is bipolar. Not "oh I have mood swings I might be bipolar" but "2 DWIs, stabbed in the lung, knife fighting, dropping out of school, can't hold a job, sister punching, crack smoking danger to himself and others he is so f-ing crazy bipolar." Maybe he should just start thinking positive. hmmmm yea? no. Keep him on his meds and he is the little sweetie pie I grew up with.

Sorry if I took this too personally. I just find it funny when people think what works for them will work for everyone.


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## Lia (May 1, 2006)

I really really agree with you. Meds really help and used correctly, when needed , make the life much much better. Cognitive therapy may help in the beggining of some psychiatric diseases, but there are so many ones that only meds can help. When both are together (psychological support + meds), the whole thing goes better than only using psychological support or meds


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## VenusGoddess (May 1, 2006)

Well, I don't believe what I believe because it works for me. I have no health problems. However, I do have cousins who are autistic, who have ADHD (supposedly) and another cousin who has Cerebal Palsy.

I still believe that we over-medicate and the drug companies will find any and every way to sell more medication. Just like all of the sudden, all of these kids were being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. What are the symptoms of that? Yes, they are normal childhood "symptoms". Some people were just never made to sit quietly in a chair in school all day. Some people were meant to be more active than they are allowed to be in the current job and school fields.

Just because science says you need medication for something doesn't mean that that's true. If you feel, that for YOU, this is true...then it's your truth. Just like I feel that people do NOT need medication...this is my truth. Doesn't make it wrong or right...it just makes it your reality.

I have seen misdiagnoses many, many times and people getting messed up off of the side-effects of the very drug that was supposed to help them. The body wasn't made to be flooded with tons of chemicals everyday. But, that is my belief. If you don't hold that same belief, that is your choice.


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## care11 (May 1, 2006)

Thanks Lia. I tend to rant on this topic but I feel very strongly about it. I do believe that that some docs may over prescribe meds but if there is truely a physical problem (which I have no idea if Maychi has one - she just sounds a little non confrontational to me) then medication can be a life-saver.

And even though I KNOW that there are physical reasons for my symptoms (seen the MRIs) I still go to a psychologist to work through my issues of having a chronic illness. I think that a lot of docs over look counseling which can be a detriment to the patient.

My view is and always will be - take meds if you need them and don't let other people make you feel bad about it.


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## jessica9 (May 1, 2006)

I think that Americans are MUCH more likely to name psychiatry as a solution because pills and therapy and diagnoses are thrown at us whenever we hit a bump in the road of life. I'm not saying they don't help people who actually need it, but I definately think if you are 99% happy and loving life, you're doing pretty good! I agree with the others, that this is probably just an aspect of your personality and your reaction to things. It could be that you grew into reacting this way, and you will grow out of it in your 30's or something, you know? who knows! regardless, since you deem it something you would like to change about yourself, try walking away next time a conflict turns up and telling yourself there is no reason to be so upset over something little. sometimes it takes walking away to realize it is something little and something not worth fighting over. i think since you want to change it, it is totally within your control to change! you just need to assess what is really bothering you and upseting you in a given situation. walking away from a conflict to think about things helps me fight tears! i'm sort of like you - i hate conflict too!


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## care11 (May 1, 2006)

OK, have any of the three been successfully treated without medication or conventional medicine? I don't know much about the three. I do know that cerebral palsy can be treated with everything from drugs to physical therapy. I don't even know if they use medication in the treatment of autism.

I just find it convenient that a perfectly healthy person would find no use for medication. Would it be different if you had a chronic or fatal illness? Do you think you can wish cancer or MS away? I'm not trying to be a ***** or really even change your mind but I guess the whole 2 truths thing doesn't make sense to me. Unless your truth is only true because it has never been tested. Seriously, do you think a cold or a broken arm or a ruptured appendix away? Its not possible.

Or is this just an issue of medicine is only being unnecessary inthe case of mental illness and not physical illness?


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## Joyeuux (May 1, 2006)

On the meds topic, I agree on both fronts. Yes, we are a society tend to overmedicate -- especially in cases of kids with ADD/ADHD. It's such a sensitive topic, but I absolutely _hate _when people are likened to being "weak" when they result to medication for problems like anxiety and depression. In severe cases of chronic panic attacks and clinical depression, drugs can help give a person their life back by simply balancing out chemicals in the brain.

I think there needs to be healthy balance, because overmedicating is dangerous, just as it is irresponsible to not seek medical treatment.

----------------------

But for YOUR question Maychi  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />, I think you just sound like a very sensitive soul. I cry easily and have the tendancy to take everything personally. Over the past year, I've been learning to toughen up -- but it takes time! During arguments or disagreements, I try to look at where the other person is coming from. Are they really angry at _me_ or is it about something else? Maybe they are just upset about a mistake I made or didn't like how I spoke in that moment. Their anger or words usually have nothing to do with my character or personal worth, but simply the situation. It's taken me a while to realize that it's not all about me!

Also.... do the arguments you have, with your sister for example, tend to lead to yelling? Because that no doubt will lead to tears. In that case, I'd really work hard at speaking calmly and focusing on the issue at hand (rather than name calling or bringing up past problems).

But don't feel as if you have to toughen yourself to the point of being completely without feeling. We are indeed given tears for a reason. But if you feel that your emotions are hindering areas of your life, it is definitely time to work on positive change.

Hope this helps!


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## Kelly (May 1, 2006)

I'm not saying I agree or disagree with meds. I'm only putting my 2 cents in quick. I for one was on anti-depressants for about 8 years. After attempting to commit suicide (over 2 years ago)....we decided to see a specialist. Come to find out it was my hormones were off balance and after taking me off my birth control and regulating my hormones....I have been OFF anti-depressants for over 2 years now. Oh and my physch thought I was bipolor also....I think that med is what put me over board!

After some research and figuring, we think my birth control caused alot of my depression. My depression, after research, started about the same time I started a certain birth control pill (ortho-trycycline). Of course then my hormones started playing a roll (as I'm in an early peri-menapausal state).

8 years of anti-depressants....not sure if it could have been avoided if I had the resources and the specialist I have now.

Just my 2 cents.....I'm neither for or against meds, some people don't need them and some think a pill will make them better.....it's also a state of mind. That being said, some people DO need meds to regulate them. I am one that will go the 'no drug' route first and every other route first and then last resort do the drug therapy if that is what's needed. So I'm not against drugs. And sometimes people may need a little something to help them over a hump.....and sometimes we get accustomed to wanting or thinking the drug is what we NEED. Again, I'm not against it, I'm against anyone who think a pill will make them better.....when it takes both sometimes. I only say this because I have a few relatives that think that they need their meds altered or upped all the time and they wonder why they are still depressed. The pills aren't magical.....I think their mindset is they think the 'pill' will make them better.

Honestly, Maychi.....I would go see a hormone specialist and have your hormones checked.....maybe the bc your on is messin you up or heck maybe your hormones are out of wack and if they are adjusted......sometimes that's all you need. Hormones can really play a number on our moods!

*EDIT: I forgot to mention during my visits with my specialist we also found I had a thyroid disorder......so I believe I was misdiagnosed the whole time.....all the other problems and the depression, the doctors just said oh she's depressed and meded me with anti-dressants. It's no wonder why, we could never find one that was right for me, then they thought I was bipolor......I was neither......it was my hormones and my thryoid messin' with me!*


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## Kelly (May 1, 2006)

I totally agree with this! I agree that sometimes people do need them. And when on them, it's a total different, much better life for them.


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## dentaldee (May 1, 2006)

nothing wrong with being a softy!!!

I cry all the time even at church for no real reason every movie, even LOTR!!

I cry when I'm angry and when I fight with ppl too.....I get mad b/c it makes me look like a knob(like in front of my boss)*I think it's part of the adrenaline rush!!* that's how your body reacts to the adrenaline!!( others laugh as a reaction....)

Everyone thinks I'm a real toughy...... and are shocked to see me cry, so it's nice to show you're not a tin man!!!!

That's what makes you who you are.............. don't toughen up........ you're sweet like you are!!!


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## Kelly (May 1, 2006)

I agree, cryings not bad. I cry very easily too! But I'm not depressed, I'm just emotional. I do notice I cry easier or get stressed easier around my period the week before and during....yep so for 2 weeks out of the month, I'm very sensitive. But sensitive is ok.


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## KISKA (May 2, 2006)

I don't excatly know what YOU would consider "beginning of some psychiatric diseases" but as I mentioned before is that I used to be depressed continuously to the point of where I tried to commit suicide. Most people would consider that advanced serious depression.

However, I do not have any psysical problems in my brain and I wasn't saying "positive thinking" will cure your lesions.

I also wasn't saying ALL drugs are useless and should never be taken for ANY problems completely. And I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad for taking them.

My point was as VenusGoddess has mentioned is that alot of people take drugs for problems that they are able to cure/control themselves aswell as drugs for problems that they don't even have and that the drug companies will find any and every way to sell more medication. Aswell as that it is possible to correct this "chemical imbalance" with your thoughts and without the drugs in a normally developed brain even in serious depression. You don't have to agree with me but that is my belief. And no I do not believe in this JUST BECAUSE it has worked for me...


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## VenusGoddess (May 2, 2006)

2 of them are being moved off of medication successfully. They were both highly allergic to the meds and were suffering from consequences of taking the meds. The meds were causing more harm than good. One is still on meds...but that's what his parents want.

Sorry, that was a typo. It should have said, "I believe what I believe because it works for me." While I have no chronic and consistent health problems, I've been sick before and gotten better without medication. I don't worry about getting cancer because I take good care of my body. I am concious of what I put into my body and I am concious of my thoughts. I truly believe that the vast majority of our illnesses are body over mind. If people learned to live mind over body, outcomes would change drastically. Do I know that positive thinking works? Do I know that people can overcome cancer without medication? Radiation therapy, etc? Yes, I do. My grandmother had advanced cancer of the liver. She refused to do surgery (she was afraid) she refused to do therapy that would make her hair fall out and sicker than anyone would ever choose to be. The docs sent her home with a shake of their heads and a death sentence. They gave her less than 2 months. After intense "thought therapy", and lots of emotional work, she returned to the doctor 3 months later...completely cancer free.

You only believe what you perceive to be truth. But sometimes by thinking and working outside of the box that society has drawn, you realize that there is a bigger and more complex, yet serenely beautiful world out there and that you can be a part of it. It's a choice. It means being aware of yourself, your thoughts, your surroundings. Doesn't mean that if you don't live that way, you'll have a horrible life, be forever sick...but don't think that there is no other way.

I believe that people don't need medication to heal ANY part of their bodies. However, I also believe that people have the right and the freedom to choose what is best for them and what they feel the most comfortable with. Just don't cut off your nose in spite of your face in the fact that you believe that there are no other options available. That's what the drug companies want you to believe. Sometimes you need to just let that go and search out your own truths and beliefs.

If you do not, truly, believe that there are other options out there, then you will never benefit from them. If you do not believe that something exists, then you will never see it. If you truly believe that you need medication, then that is the right path for you. And, there is nothing wrong with that. But, that also does not make what you do not believe not true.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## care11 (May 2, 2006)

FYI, I was totally PMSing yesterday so sorry if I was pissy about this topic. Of course everyone has the right to their own opinion even if I don't agree with it. I have no idea why I pushed it so far.


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