# Womenâ€™s last secret: money scares them



## Darla (Jan 18, 2009)

_Is this true at all?_

January 18, 2009

*Women’s last secret: money scares them*

*Even after 40 years of feminism, women still want a Prince Charming to take care of the big things for them*







Margarette Driscoll

When Hilary Black ditched her boyfriend two years ago she didn’t exactly expect sympathy – she was, after all, breaking his heart – but she assumed her girlfriends would rally round, assuring her she’d done the right thing.

Instead her decision was met with gasps of surprise and barely disguised disapproval. The boyfriend concerned was rich, you see. Very rich. “One of my friends actually said, ‘Are you crazy? This guy could take care of you for life!’” says Black.

“These were thirtysomething women who would never publicly advocate marrying for money yet they implied that I was making a mistake. It was interesting: it seemed a sign that women have a more complicated relationship with money than they let on.”

Jane Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet and Emma Woodhouse would have understood. Marriage once was – and in some societies still is – a contract that involves careful assessment of assets on both sides. Austen’s heroines frequently have to set aside their feelings for attractive young men without money and instead set their sights on men who can provide them with material wealth.

But in 2009? Forty or so years of feminism, the flood of women into the workforce, success in education, the ethos of self-reliance; that must add up to something, surely?

“We may have come a long way since Jane Austen’s time, when a woman’s future depended on landing a husband with a reliable income, but the notion of finding a wealthy Prince Charming still lingers,” says Black.

“The idea of self-reliance is out there but it hasn’t caught on in the quick, easy way you might have thought it would. When I started talking to my friends about this I discovered that there is a lot of confusion.

“Boys are told you can be a train driver or an astronaut but essentially you have to get out there and earn a living. Girls are now told they can be an astronaut too, but if they want to they can also stay home with the children. They don’t know what they want to do or what they’re meant to do: there’s a lot of uncertainty behind the confidence.”

Black, a New York magazine editor, was so intrigued by her friends’ reactions to her romantic upheavals that she asked a number of them to write essays about the way money quietly drove or permeated their most intimate relationships. The resulting book, The Secret Currency of Love, just published in America, gives a fascinating glimpse into women’s lives, every bit as relevant in Britain as across the pond.

“I’d had lunch with these women a hundred times and I didn’t know any of this stuff,” says Black. “We talk about religion; we talk about sex; we talk about politics. But money really is one of the last taboos.”

Some of the women write about how money influenced their choice of boyfriends or husbands. Or how their parents used money to control them. Or how vying for a legacy shaped the relationship between sib-lings. But common to all of them is a notable – almost wilful – ignorance about handling money day to day. Women are not just reluctant to talk about money, it seems; they don’t even want to think about it.

“I’ve cultivated a cocooning haziness about the family finances,” writes Laurie Abraham, a senior editor at Elle. “Every time I pay our nanny, I have to say, ‘How much is it?’ Or I’ll say, ‘I’ll sign the cheque. Can you just fill in the amount?’ I feel so much better when I don’t have to ink out that large sum. It’s like it’s not happening.”

Abby Ellin confesses “a mortifying admission, especially for a feminist who was taught that every woman should possess both her own bank account and the ability to be self-sufficient. On some level, I always believed that eventually, someone else would take care of the big stuff. And that someone, of course, would be my husband”.

Laura Fraser reveals: “Some women wake up at 45 and realise they forgot to have children. I forgot to make money.”

It may be a clichÃ© to say that women don’t know their gilts from their bonds but it appears – even among educated, sophisticated women – to be broadly true. And they lack confidence in their ability to handle money. “Although I am, as of three years ago, paying a mortgage and supporting my family – I’ve even made a will and set money aside for the retirement I’m sure I’ll never earn – at the core of my soul I believe myself to be a financial cretin,” says the novelist Julia Glass.

Why should that be? Karen Pine, professor of developmental psychology at the University of Hertfordshire and co-author of Sheconomics, a new financial self-help guide for women, says it is because women often use money in an emotional rather than logical way. “I was surprised at mindless shopping, the number of women who said they’d gone out and bought something only to come home and discover something almost identical in their wardrobe.

“The way some women talked about shopping reminded me of research I’d done on eating disorders. They said they’d go on ‘shopping binges’ then come home and feel guilty and sick and take it all back again. There was a sort of ‘shopping hangover’ next day. Not surprising really, as food and money activate the same reward systems in the brain.”

That, and an army of marketing men who have spent years homing in on women’s weak spots, persuading them that they’re “worth it”. A friend says she has a “L’OrÃ©al moment” at the end of every week. “Jobs, children, we all work so hard these days,” she says. “A glass of wine, a new mascara – you need your little treat.”

And, bizarrely, that extends even to women in financial trouble. Katie Clark, a former debt counsellor whose Sixty-minute Debt Buster will be published this month, says that in her days working in a support centre in Cardiff she saw a number of women who could not stop spending. “Women were definitely more susceptible to retail therapy,” she says. “Even when they were up to their eyeballs in debt they’d go and buy themselves something. They felt they deserved it because they were under such pressure – but the pressure came from being so badly in debt.”

Some women, of course, buck the trend. Interviewed for the Fame and Fortune column in our Money section recently, the glamour model Caprice Bourret impressed with her astute financial brain. And Amanda Staveley, a former girlfriend of Prince Andrew, recently made headlines when she brokered a deal for the purchase of Manchester City football club, reportedly earning herself and her partners in her private equity firm some Â£10m.

It was just one of a string of lucrative deals for Staveley, who says she is baffled by women who don’t make the effort to understand their finances, let alone the financial markets.

“To me, my sense of self-reliance is critical. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to be responsible for me,” she says. “I’m getting to the point in my life where there’s no mortgage, no debt. I had difficulties with money when I was young and it terrified me, so now it doesn’t matter how much of a cash mountain I have, it’s never enough.”

Not just young women but everyone should be taught the basics of handling their finances at school, Staveley says, and be warned about the dangers of easy credit. “Unfortunately, we’ve all grown up at a time when wherever you went you were offered a store card – it was crazy,” she says. “I barely use a credit card. We do have them but tend to use debit cards. Everyone in my company is aware of my obsession with strict cash-flow management.”

Black’s young women friends dream of Prince Charming: Staveley allegedly turned down a real prince, believing that if she married Andrew, royal protocol would cramp her style. No Austen compromise for Staveley – isn’t her way what we’d all want for our daughters? And ourselves?

source


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## Ozee (Jan 18, 2009)

Hmm interesting reading.

My opinion..Im all for equality in regards to everything, but when Im staying home looking after my children, husband and house I expect my husband to take care of things financially yes, but once my children reach school age i will go back to work and contribute to the -big things- aswell.

I don't think I personally know anyone that has ever married someone because they could take care of them.


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## Dragonfly (Jan 18, 2009)

I don't like this article either...


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## emily_3383 (Jan 18, 2009)

I have my own money issues in that i have a problem not being the one to handle my finances. My mom has spent most of her life having her husband control the money and they arent doing so well! She comes from the school of thought that men handle finances. This is why im the opposite and can be too controlling of the finances. BTW I am in the finance field. lol


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## fawp (Jan 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Darla* /img/forum/go_quote.gif women often use money in an emotional rather than logical way. â€œI was surprised at mindless shopping, the number of women who said theyâ€™d gone out and bought something only to come home and discover something almost identical in their wardrobe. â€œThe way some women talked about shopping reminded me of research Iâ€™d done on eating disorders. They said theyâ€™d go on â€˜shopping bingesâ€™ then come home and feel guilty and sick and take it all back again. There was a sort of â€˜shopping hangoverâ€™ next day. Not surprising really, as food and money activate the same reward systems in the brain.â€

That's really interesting! I think a lot of women have an emotional bond with shopping because they feel more secure with "stuff" than with money. Money is always going to get spent...whether on bills, the mortgage, education, shopping, etc...but that new dress or that new lipstick is going to be there for a very long time. 
Personally speaking, having a pantry full of food, a closet full of nice shoes, a drawer full of eyeshadow, and a house full of furniture makes me feel more successful than a bank account full of money. Money can feel so...abstract.

I really enjoyed reading this, Darla; thanks for posting!


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## Lucy (Jan 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Faith-Abigail* /img/forum/go_quote.gif That's really interesting! I think a lot of women have an emotional bond with shopping because they feel more secure with "stuff" than with money. Money is always going to get spent...whether on bills, the mortgage, education, shopping, etc...but that new dress or that new lipstick is going to be there for a very long time. 
Personally speaking, having a pantry full of food, a closet full of nice shoes, a drawer full of eyeshadow, and a house full of furniture makes me feel more successful than a bank account full of money. Money can feel so...abstract.

I really enjoyed reading this, Darla; thanks for posting!

i'd choose the bank account full of money!! lol money isn't abstract to me.i'd rather have money than stuff because money grows (though not much at the minute) and it's safe. i'd feel more secure knowing i have savings.
leaving all the finances to one person in the relationship is just daft. if you're married to them, half of that money is legally yours and its therefore in your interest to take care of it. i think not talking about money is a big mistake and can lead to all sorts of problems. you have to be open about this kind of stuff.

this whole women wanting to marry someone financially successful might be true for certain types of women, but i think i can safely say the other 99.9% of us with our brains screwed on would marry for love.


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## emily_3383 (Jan 18, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Faith-Abigail* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Personally speaking, having a pantry full of food, a closet full of nice shoes, a drawer full of eyeshadow, and a house full of furniture makes me feel more successful than a bank account full of money. Money can feel so...abstract.

Certainly having all those things are great but what I get from the article is that a person whether male or female should not feel so comfortable and letting their partner handle all the finances. The reason why I say this its because alot of times one person is more dependent than the other and if something should happen to the other person whether its death or a seperation then the dependent is screwed. Idk Maybe im misunderstanding the article.

Originally Posted by *fingers* /img/forum/go_quote.gif i'd choose the bank account full of money!! lol money isn't abstract to me.i'd rather have money than stuff because money grows (though not much at the minute) and it's safe. i'd feel more secure knowing i have savings.
leaving all the finances to one person in the relationship is just daft. if you're married to them, half of that money is legally yours and its therefore in your interest to take care of it. i think not talking about money is a big mistake and can lead to all sorts of problems. you have to be open about this kind of stuff.

this whole women wanting to marry someone financially successful might be true for certain types of women, but i think i can safely say the other 99.9% of us with our brains screwed on would marry for love.

I agree and I think if women do marry for money they should atleast be smart enough to have their own money in case anything happens. Idk My bf and I are pretty open as two people can be about finances.


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## Aprill (Jan 18, 2009)

Nice article Darla!!!

I dont work (well I am not on anyone's payroll) but I am the one that handles 100% of the finances. That is just the agreement that we came up with: he makes the money, I handle everything. I can say with me doing so, everything is going ok. I dont find it necessary to spend money that we dont have,

I am not instructing any woman to be a gold digger, but even if a woman makes her own money, its imperative that she has a man that that is financially secure. If he is not, at least know that and not be surprised in hard times.


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## pinksugar (Jan 18, 2009)

I completely agree with Fingers.

I have to say, I don't want to marry for security, or because a guy is rich, but I certainly WOULDN'T marry someone who was financially irresponsible... but then, I would expect the same of whoever married me, so I don't see th at as me being a gold digger, you know? I just don't want to come home and find out my bf/husband/fiance has bought a jetski and the house is being reposessed, LOL


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## Darla (Jan 18, 2009)

I think sometimes when i post these articles i need to put a disclaimer up front. I read this and sort of didn't believe it although I know i have heard some women I know discuss it. So it's kind of fun to post it and see what kind of response we have.

My personal feeling is that I think the premise the article makes is pretty rare that women would have to feel they "need" to be taken care of.


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## fawp (Jan 19, 2009)

Originally Posted by *emily_3383* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Certainly having all those things are great but what I get from the article is that a person whether male or female should not feel so comfortable and letting their partner handle all the finances. The reason why I say this its because alot of times one person is more dependent than the other and if something should happen to the other person whether its death or a seperation then the dependent is screwed. Idk Maybe im misunderstanding the article. Oh, I agree! I just found that particular part of the article really interesting. I work in retail, am constantly surrounding by people choosing and purchasing, have known several people with diagnosed "shopping addictions," and have felt the pull of retail therapy many time myself...as a result, I'm always interested in why people feel fulfilled by spending money and buying unnecessary, luxury items. Hope that makes sense...


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## Adrienne (Jan 19, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Aprill* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Nice article Darla!!!
I dont work (well I am not on anyone's payroll) but I am the one that handles 100% of the finances. That is just the agreement that we came up with: he makes the money, I handle everything. I can say with me doing so, everything is going ok. I dont find it necessary to spend money that we dont have,

I am not instructing any woman to be a gold digger, but even if a woman makes her own money, its imperative that she has a man that that is financially secure. If he is not, at least know that and not be surprised in hard times.

Sounds like my husband. We both work but I handle everything financial. I know what has to be paid, when it has to be paid, what needs to be bought, 100% of everything. I feel much better handling the finances which only seems kinda fair imo as I make more money than my husband does BUT I also pay more percentage-wise of a bill than he does. I may end up with more of my check than he does but I bring home more too. But even when my husband made more than me, I still handled everything as he doesn't know much about handling money and doesn't have any patience to do so either.


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