# Relationship problem



## chic_chica (Oct 12, 2006)

Hey guys...i need some help here please. My boyfriend and i have been dating for over 5 yrs now and thigns are great. the problem is that i wanna get married..within say the next 4 years or so..and that is alot.

He says he wants to marry me but at the same time he cant say when. we always have this problem, he avoids it. he says he is still young and has his life ahead him. I didnt kno that when u get married your life ends! i really love this guys a lot, he is my perfect guy, but the thing is i cant wait around for him forever.

I truly believe i would call it quits if we dont get married within 4 yrs. but i dont wanna 'waste' my time. we would probably just be hurting ourselves more. this is not a huge problem for us.............but i can definitely see it getting there. what do u all think of my situation?


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## hollyxann (Oct 12, 2006)

honestly the only things i can say is give it time [as much as you dont want to hear that] and talk to him about it. just tell him how you feel and be open and honest about it. communication is key! ask him why he says things like that and ask how he feels truely. whether it hurst you or not. i mean its better to know the truth.


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## chic_chica (Oct 12, 2006)

I asked him..he said yes he wants to marry me, but he can't say when. We both are finishing school...so by next year we should be working and being a bit more independent. But he keeps saying he cant say yet, when the time comes he will know. He says i am tryin to run his life by tellin him he has 4 yrs to marry me. but i think he is messing up life plan by being married at a certain age. i mean i wanna be married for a while before i have kids, and i wanna have kids before i am 30yrs. We are both strong minded people, i would stick to my decision, and so would he. so thats a bit of a problem right there.


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## hollyxann (Oct 12, 2006)

well it sounds to me like you both need to come to a compromise [sp?] and just communicate calmy and the best way possible for the 2 of you. i understand where you are both coming from.

you both need to give a lil and take a lil.


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## dixiewolf (Oct 12, 2006)

I am in the same situation. I have been dating my bf 5 years, I am 28, he is 34. He bought me a ring in April, but never proposed. I dont know why he bought it if he doesnt want to get married. Sigh. I have mentioned it a few times if we are ever getting married, and he just says "we will." I am starting to really doubt it. If you mention it though to your bf, make sure you dont pester him about it, b/c that wil just make him feel like you are nagging him. Men are so afraid of marriage, I swear, why do we date them? lol


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## Aquilah (Oct 12, 2006)

Trust me, you're not wasting time. John knew within a matter of months he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I knew the same. But, for some reason he wanted to hold off getting married... And it seemed like it would be an endless wait! Then, it's like he woke up one day and realized he had no reason to hold out on marriage. They say good things come to those who wait... I can say this may definitely be that kind of thing... Try to have patience, even if it seems like it'll take forever and almost seem worthless. Besides, if you truly love each other, then that's all that really matters. While I can say your feelings will deepen even more after marriage, even I used to look at marriage as just some rings and a piece of paper... Oh, and a name change! Just try to be patient sweetie! I wish you the best of luck!


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## Angie2006 (Oct 12, 2006)

I friend of mine recently left a relationship. She was living with the guy, they bought a home, etc, etc......were engaged for 7 years. He kept saying the same thing......I want to marry you, just not yet. Well, she finally left him. He was never going to marry her....if he had good intentions then it would have already happened. He had the whole package without having to marry her....of course he changed his tune after she left him but she had already decided that if it took him that long to figure out if she was right for him that ir must not be all that great. her only regret now is that she didn't do it sooner cause now she's knocking on the door of 40, never been married and now has to start all over.


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## rlise (Oct 12, 2006)

well really , you have said your peace, you want to be married within 4 years. so as guys are.... if you dont threaten them in some degree then it will never happen( well maybe not NEVER0 but ya know what i mean. i mean really he either understands and respects your wants and needs and will accomedate them or he will brush it off and never do anything about it. so really you still have the power. sometimes men need a lil nudge to get them back on track. i know i have to do that with mine!


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## chic_chica (Oct 12, 2006)

Thanks peeps for the advice. I think i'll leave him for a while then bring back up the topic. but it really is frustrating to be in a relationship and have to be wondering whether or not it's going to move to another level


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## pla4u (Oct 12, 2006)

well a lot of guys find the term marrage rather scarry for some reason,,dont give up on him maybe just backing off the relatioship for a short time would help..


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## mrom (Oct 17, 2006)

you are in a tough spot. i agree that maybe you should seperate for a little bit so that you can both see what you truly want. other than marriage, are you both on the same page about life(kids, where to live, work, etc...)?all these little things play a huge factor in whether or not you two should be married at this time. i would take some space and do some soul searching. only then can you decide if you want to wait for him. good luck.


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## nteichroeb (Oct 17, 2006)

I was in the same boat. We dated for 6 years and a few months before I brought up marriage very seriously with my BF and I talked about why I wanted to get married to him. He didn't really accept what I had to say very well. I got the same old story "we are young, bla blah blah.."so I decided to completely drop it. i never spoke another word about it. It was very hard waiting, but I decided that I was only going to wait unitl our 7 year anniversary before I would bring up the subject again and ultimately ask him if he didn't already ask me and what ever happened would be our future together or apart. He ended up asking me to marry him the day before our 7 year anniversary. He doens't know that I was planning on doing the same thing in the same place we got engaged. So think the best thing to do is let him know what your life goals are tell him why you want to marry him then drop it. Give it a time frame then- ask him. what do you have to lose. If he says no than he never wanted to marry you , right? Best of luck!


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## han (Oct 17, 2006)

well if things are good between you then i dont feel like your wasteing your time people dont need a piece of paper to be commited i mean theres alot of people who are married that are less commited i feel like if your happy with him and hes good to you be patient the grass may not be greener on the other side you may meet some one and marry him and not be happy i was with my husband for six years befor we got married and if you have been with your boyfriend for five years and things are great why would you walk away just cause he's not ready to get married right now and i belive love is suppose to be unconditional and if you dont preasure him he might come around


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## jdepp_84 (Oct 19, 2006)

I think you should just talk seriously about it. Let him know you want to get married soon.


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## jessimau (Oct 23, 2006)

You've told him your boundaries, now give him time. If you bring it up too much, he'll definitely feel pressured. You don't want to end up feeling like he married you because you pushed him to it. Also, I understand about the life plan, but remember that life never goes according to plan. All you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait and then stick to your guns. If he's the right one, he'll make it happen. You may need to bring it up occasionally (no more than once a year), because guys can be dumb.

I've just recently told my BF what my timeline is b/c I was sick of hearing his BS. I let him know that if it doesn't happen by the end of February (our 6th Anniversary) I'm moving on b/c that's long enough to spend in a relationship that's going nowhere. He's told me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's also stalled for a million different reasons. Whatever happens will be what's meant to happen, for both of us. Hang in there!


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## hjpt (Oct 25, 2006)

I postponed proposing to my wife until I finished college. I wanted to make sure that I could afford a nice ring and a nice home. Be patient, but don't wait forever. (I know that doesn't help at all, but I think you can probably see where I'm coming from)


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## girl_geek (Oct 26, 2006)

How old are you? If you are finishing school, I'm guessing around 22 or so? You are still you, you have tons of time!

Has your bf said why he won't commit to a time? Is he worried that "his life will end" when he gets married and he's not ready for that yet? (If so, have you tried explaining to him that you can still do everything you do now when you are married?) Or is he worried about committing to _you_ and wonders if there is someone else out there for him? Sometimes when people start dating really young and stay together for so long, they start to wonder if they really did meet the right person at such a young age or if there is someone else out there that they never got a chance to meet!

Also, why are you so insistant on your deadlines -- 4 years to get married, kids by 30? Setting such strict deadlines is only going to put more pressure on your bf and make him even more scared to propose! And what if he has good reasons for waiting to get married or have kids -- would you be willing to compromise on your timelines? Remember, getting married and having kids are about _both_ of you, so you have to reach a decision that you are _both_ happy with! What if your bf started pressuring you to get married or have kids by a certain age before you felt ready -- how would you react?

I hope my post didn't sound too mean (I wasn't trying to be mean!), but I think it's just important for you to try to understand what your bf is thinking, and to reach a decision that you will both be happy with! And if you absolutely cannot find a compromise, then maybe it is time to think about the relationship...


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## pinkbundles (Oct 26, 2006)

i think you need to be patient and just go with the flow. if he feels like you are forcing him, he'll def. be on the defense. give yourself a year and see how things progress. after that, call it quits if marriage is something you really want in the next 3 years and he still doesn't. you have to do what's right for you.


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## CuTeLiCiOuS (Oct 27, 2006)

Sit down with him and have a talk. No pressure or aggresivness, sit down with each other and talk about it openly. Disscuss your fears, concerns and let him state his. Marriage is something not to rush into. It is a commitment and more than that. You are living with that person, eating with that person, and financally resposnibly. If you have doubt, means you are really not ready for marriage. Just talk to him, he can give you the answer. Hope that helps = )


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## chic_chica (Oct 29, 2006)

Thanks so much guys for all the great advice, i understand each of your point and i really appreciate them.

We are both on the same page in terms of what we want later on in life..we also had similar customs growing up, so values and stuff are basically the same.

And i also know that i'm not wasting time ...but my idea of being in a relationship is to eventually get married, thats how i was brought up. I want more out of what we presently have, like to live in the same house with him and share our lives together in a family sort of way. I do love him, but i can't see myself living with him without being married.

Oh and yea i am 22...i guess its young, but i'd really like to have kids before 30, i think that is a good age. i know that things don't go as planned, but atleast i have a plan and something to work towards to right? but if i don't get what i want right now, then i'll still accept what life has to offer, as long as i'm happy.

So my plan for now is to just leave it as it is...he already knows what i want. But at the same time i dont want to force someone into marrying me. So i'll give him time. he isn't afraid of marraige, he just wants to have a good job and be stable in life, i don't blame him, i want the same for myself as well as him. So i guess when we both start working and stuff our way of thinking might both change. right now we are both happy...and thats the main thing i guess.


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## lummerz (Oct 29, 2006)

So, you've been together for 5 years? hmm..yea, i can see how concerned you are because if he doesn't commit..within 4 years..then it will inconvenience you. hmm..well, does he show you that he is committed to you? For example, any hints when he talks..does he say things like, "We" "ours" ..does he talk about the future with you? Any of that?

It does sound like he loves you a great deal..i think that some guys..just get scared..and he needs to respect your needs and wants..and sorry to say..women do have biological clocks..and he needs to hear you out..and if he can't abide by that and just avoids it..and it makes you more worried and you wanna bring it up every chance you get and that just chases him away..so i think to avoid that..you need to seriously sit down somewhere..or go out to a very intimate restaurant..where there is few people..and you'll have his undivided attention and really talk about your concerns without being clingy or whingy about it and if he can't respect that or just dodges the whole situation ...then you have your answer. it's not what he says..more it's what he does!


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## chic_chica (Oct 30, 2006)

I'd say my relationship with him is my idea of perfect...except for the minor bumps on the road, but its nothing major that we can't handle. He does talk about marraige...like he'd say things like when we get married and he even calls me his wife sometimes. I believe he does want to get married, but the only problem is that of when.

I agree that he need to understand what i want and stuff. I mean i wanna be there for my children, my dad died when i was a kid and well i don't want my children losing a parent at a young age. So honestly that is my main reason for wanting to have kids before i am 30.

I haven't told him this, not sure if i should cuz i don't want to guilt him into marrying me.


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## lummerz (Oct 30, 2006)

You can certainly tell him your concerns without guilting him into marrying you. Just explain to him your worries and ask him what he thinks? You certainly don't want to tell him, "I don't want my children losing a parent at a young age because my father died when i was a kid and I don't want my children to go through the same thing and that's why i want kids before i'm 30 and you need to understand and respect that or else..." Is the ABSOLUTE WRONG WAY TO go about it. So none of that !

Like i say, just display your concern..see how he takes it..and from what it sounds like, he'll be receptive to your worries and concerns..but once you bring it up..don't bring it up again..he might feel the pressure from you and most guys don't like that and that is what makes them frightened...

All in all ... don't make your worries part of his problem..yea?


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## han (Oct 30, 2006)

well theres some things in life we cant control our comeing and going for one dont worry so much about things you have no control over sounds like your b/f is commited to you and im sure you will get married and have kids when the time is right for both of you i think every parent worries about leaveing there kid's behind when they pass away all you can do is perpare for it by geting insurance so you know they will be ok and your gone maybe that would put your mine at ease im not saying that will replace you theres things you can do now to help when that time comes


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## Tina Marie (Oct 31, 2006)

Of course knowing where he is at on this subject is def. important.. which you do. I would try to lay off the subject for a little bit.. maybe begin to back away a bit. I'm not saying play a 'game' but make him sweat a bit. Do your own thing and if the subject of marriage is brought up be cool about it.

At the same time, if he avoids the subject then, by all means let him know that your a great woman and that you don't want to be in a stand still.. don't pressure him but let him know what you need in your relationship and hopefully you guys can come upon some kind of compromise willingly.

Good luck, def. a rough subject with a man.


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## bluebird26 (Oct 31, 2006)

Talk to him, don't rush him but let him know your plans and what you want. If he thinks he's too young to get married may be the relationship is not mature enough yet. I'd say give it some time... but not that much,


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## Gary-Michael (Oct 31, 2006)

Why do need to get married if everything is fine? I think that marriage is great for some - it took my brother 10 years to get his wife to the alter....my parents are still married and still love each other ---- but not having the right to marry , like many other gay people in the world, I have come to think that if you are truly soulmates then you will have nothing to gain or lose by a piece of paper and a ring---- you can always just change your last name to his if it's bugging you. I always think of that saying "Why buy the cow if the milk is given freely anyway?" ----- and think to myself 1- what a rude saying it is 2- can't the cow walk her udders to another farmer? ..food for thought


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## chic_chica (Nov 1, 2006)

Well maybe i'll bring up my concerns in a subtle way and leave it as that. I'll wait until he brings it up i guess.


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## girl_geek (Nov 1, 2006)

OK, I can understand now why you'd like to have kids before 30, that makes sense to me! However, sometimes it's best to not try to set strict time tables on such important life events that require a lot of thought and care, like getting married and having kids! I know it's easier said than done, but if you're worried too much about the time table, you or he may rush into something you're not ready for!

A little personal example: I went to a Christian college, and at first I thought for sure that I'd meet my future husband there. I did date a guy for about year early in college, but I was single for the last 2 years of school. It was frustrating seeing so many of friends get engaged when I was still single -- I kept thinking that if I couldn't find a good Christian man when I was surrounded by 1,000 of them at school, how could I ever find one after graduation? Plus, I kept making time tables for myself -- I wanted to go to grad school, and I wanted to wait a few years after to school to have kids, and of course I still had to find a man first -- I was wondering if I'd have time to do everything before the biological clock started ticking!

So finally I figured that me worrying and trying to plan my future around such unknowns was doing no good. My last year in college I decided to enjoy being single and quit worrying about guys and spend more time with my friends, and that year was so much fun once I quit stressing out about trying to find a guy! I also gained a lot of confidence in myself and knew I could happy single as well! So when I graduated, I was fully prepared to be single all through grad school to concentrate on my studies, and maybe someday after graduation I might finally meet a good man, but I was definitely in no hurry...

But when I quit worrying about time tables and the future, that is when things finally fell into place! I met my husband right before grad school when we were both 22, and now we have been happily married for 2 years! (No plans for kids anytime soon though



) But the point of my rambling story is, by the time I met my husband I knew I was dating him because I loved him, not because I was worried about getting married before a certain age!

So try to quit stressing out about the timelines, even though I know it's very hard -- I struggled with that for a long time! Then if/when he does propose, you will also know you are getting married for the right reasons and not because one or both of you was rushing into it!





However, as the other girls said, if the timelines are super important to you and he refuses to get married anytime soon, you will have to make a decision -- which is more important, waiting until your bf is ready (if he is ever ready), or trying to stick to the time tables? That's a question only you can answer...


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## chic_chica (Nov 1, 2006)

I think i understand what u are trying to say...it makes sense and i can totally relate to it. When i was in school everyone had a b/f and i didn't. and the thing is i wasn't looking for one. I was totally comfortable being single..and i was really happy with myself. I never used to be "looking" for a bf. And then one day i just met my present bf,we became friends and now its 5yrs and still goin strong. So i get ur point...maybe i just need to relax a bit, i kno i cant really plan life like that, but i still have the habit of thinking up my perfect life. I think that so far my life was pretty close to perfect(in terms of how i planned it to be) and it would be really nice if things could continue goin as planned. But i do kno that i've just been lucky so far and life can't always be like that.


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## StrangerNMist (Nov 1, 2006)

Originally Posted by *girl_geek* /img/forum/go_quote.gif How old are you? If you are finishing school, I'm guessing around 22 or so? You are still you, you have tons of time!
Has your bf said why he won't commit to a time? Is he worried that "his life will end" when he gets married and he's not ready for that yet? (If so, have you tried explaining to him that you can still do everything you do now when you are married?) Or is he worried about committing to _you_ and wonders if there is someone else out there for him? Sometimes when people start dating really young and stay together for so long, they start to wonder if they really did meet the right person at such a young age or if there is someone else out there that they never got a chance to meet!

Also, why are you so insistant on your deadlines -- 4 years to get married, kids by 30? Setting such strict deadlines is only going to put more pressure on your bf and make him even more scared to propose! And what if he has good reasons for waiting to get married or have kids -- would you be willing to compromise on your timelines? Remember, getting married and having kids are about _both_ of you, so you have to reach a decision that you are _both_ happy with! What if your bf started pressuring you to get married or have kids by a certain age before you felt ready -- how would you react?

I hope my post didn't sound too mean (I wasn't trying to be mean!), but I think it's just important for you to try to understand what your bf is thinking, and to reach a decision that you will both be happy with! And if you absolutely cannot find a compromise, then maybe it is time to think about the relationship...





Very well said, GG, very well said! There are just some things that you can't put a time table on. This is something that the both of you definitely have to think about before you hop into it. Marriage and children are extremely heavy matters, and they should be taken with the upmost seriousness. Heck, a friend of mine had a professor whose boyfriend recently proposed to her after nine years, NINE YEARS! Now that's a damn long time! Men tend to be commitment-phobes, and just asking the question scares the SHIT out of them!

But give yourself and him some time to think about this, and then bring it up later. If you find out that it's just not working, and that he doesn't want to go through with it, then you both have the right to call it quits and move on. If it does end up that the both of you want to make something like this permanent, then by all means do that.

Some of the best relationships don't involve a piece of paper and a ring. You just have to be prepared if he tells you that marriage is not something he wants. Who knows, Prince Charming may be waiting just around the corner.

Good luck though, and I hope things work out for the best! Keep us posted!


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