# If Required, Could You Learn To Love Someone?



## Adrienne (Mar 26, 2009)

I was watching Divorce Court yesterday (got off work early, nothing else on tv




) and a couple was trying to get help to keep their marriage. They got married after dating for a short while and then, as the lady was illegal, agreed to get married to help out her situation and hopefully fix her papers. She then said that she figured she could learn to love her husband and it would work out. I don't know why but that stuck on me all day and I really could not imagine marrying someone and then trying to love them they way spouses love each other. Sure we could probably learn and grow to respect, trust and commit to each other (all major foundations of a committed relationship) and feel love that you do for someone close to you like a friend but to love them with all my heart, I'm not so sure.

Could you do it?


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## Karren (Mar 26, 2009)

I think I could... Over time.... As long as we wore the same size clothes that is!!


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## Adrienne (Mar 26, 2009)

^^lol


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Mar 26, 2009)

i dont think i could, i can tell pretty quickly if i am going to get along with someone or not, if it was the case where i got along with someone but it was just a short relationship i would most likely fall in love with them, but if it was something where i was not sure how i felt about them i proboably would never love them


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## StereoXGirl (Mar 26, 2009)

I don't know! lol. Maybe...

It sounds like it wouldn't be much different than an "arranged" marriage. And those were quite common historically speaking.

I think our society today places too much emphasis on being "in love" so that as soon as the butterflies go away, people want to jump ship. Otherwise, I have a feeling our divorce rate would be a lot lower than the 50% it is now.


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## Aprill (Mar 26, 2009)

I honestly couldnt.


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## fawp (Mar 26, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Sure we could probably learn and grow to respect, trust and commit to each other (all major foundations of a committed relationship) and feel love that you do for someone close to you like a friend Originally Posted by *StereoXGirl* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think our society today places too much emphasis on being "in love" so that as soon as the butterflies go away, people want to jump ship. Otherwise, I have a feeling our divorce rate would be a lot lower than the 50% it is now. I completely agree! Respect, trust, and commitment are love! Just because you don't get butterflies in your stomach everytime your spouse walks into the room or you don't have the same crazy passion that you had when you first met doesn't mean that you don't love someone with you're whole heart. It just means that your love has changed...and, in many cases, the passion and headiness are replaced with trust, understanding, and respect...which make for a much more real, solid relationship. 
My grandmother used to say that when people married they're wasn't an option of divorce; because they didn't have the option to leave, they had to make their marriages work and even if they had a few hard years they would learn to work together, to respect each other, and eventually to love each other. I think there's a lot of truth in that.


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## magneticheart (Mar 26, 2009)

Originally Posted by *StereoXGirl* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think our society today places too much emphasis on being "in love" so that as soon as the butterflies go away, people want to jump ship. Otherwise, I have a feeling our divorce rate would be a lot lower than the 50% it is now. I totally agree, couldn't have put it better.People have this magical illusion of what love is, based on what they see on TV. They want their foot to 'pop' when they kiss and they want butterflies and all that jazz. And that's great, I have no problem with that.

But is it really better than respect and commitment? I personally don't think so.

I couldn't learn to love someone if I hated them to start off with and we just didn't get on but if we had things in common and if there was respect and trust ect I think maybe I could.

I think it's the same kind of thing where friends get closer and end up dating. Sometimes feelings can change.

Obviously you'd have to like the person to begin with though.


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## Adrienne (Mar 26, 2009)

While passion is not a guide for long lasting love, I think I'd at least like to know that there is the tiniest bit of spark there.


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## laurafaye (Mar 26, 2009)

Like others have said, trust and respect could probably be gained but there would have to be some sort of love/attraction to start out with I think.


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## Johnnie (Mar 26, 2009)

If required? No!


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## pinksugar (Mar 27, 2009)

only if they earnt it... if they were totally unworthy of my love then no, I couldn't do it.

But I agree with the others - nowadays people don't seem to be willing to put the effort in. People have quirks. They have foibles. It's what makes people special, and these are things that you just have to get used to. I find a lot of men (and women) want to break it off rather than work on compromising together on things that bother them.


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## Ms.Nigeria (Mar 27, 2009)

As you get closer to them you either fall or you dont. In this case she has no choice than to make herself fall


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## Darla (Mar 27, 2009)

My answer is maybe &amp; that is a big maybe.

I have only experienced true love a few times in my life where i have felt it is complete. In none of those cases would it have ever been forced on us.


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## Rebbierae (Mar 27, 2009)

I don't know guys...honestly, that's where I see myself headed. I've been on a big downer about this lately. Turned 40 in December. I've never been married, no kids--no 'baggage'. But I can't seem to find The One. Which has made me very cynical and not really believing in that whole soul mate true love thing. So for me it is a matter of 'settling'. At this point can I find someone who DOES respect me and treat me right, and I will learn to love them, even if there are no said 'sparks' etc.

Like you guys said, so much is put on everyone to find that perfect person and have a life like they do in the movies, and for most of us it just isn't that way. On the other hand, there does have to be a certain amount of physical attraction, but I sometimes think that CAN come the more you get to know a person. I dated someone for a long time who, if I had seen him in a bar, I wouldn't have looked twice. But we talked on the phone a lot and got to REALLY know each other so when I DID meet him, I thought he was attractive because I saw his inside first. On the other hand, I had a huge crush on a guy here at work, until I spent a little time with him and got to know what kind of person he was--and it was NOT attractive.

So I think you CAN learn to love someone as long as you aren't expecting movie love.


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## shannonsilk (Mar 27, 2009)

I had a teacher once who described that early romantic love as a form of temporary insanity. He was clearly trying to get the students to think a little farther ahead in the relationship, beyond those heart-thumping days, and determine if it was someone they mgiht really want to spend years with.

Has the relationship in your marriages changed over the years?


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## Ozee (Mar 28, 2009)

imo, no one stays exactly who they were when you first meet or married them. So your learning to love all the time.


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## reesesilverstar (Mar 28, 2009)

Shaudra, Faith and Ozee said it best...

I definitely think the whole movie spark thing makes a false claim on what love is supposed to be... I haven't met a couple that has 45+ years and they talk about butterflies. They talk about the sacrifices and committment they put in to making the relationship work.


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## Andi (Apr 1, 2009)

Originally Posted by *Ozee* /img/forum/go_quote.gif imo, no one stays exactly who they were when you first meet or married them. So your learning to love all the time. ITA!!! People grow in relationships or just in life in general. Sometimes we like the direction it takes, some times we donÂ´t...either way we should try to work it out with our partners
I could learn to love someone, but if I had to LEARN to love him and a guy comes along that knocks me off my feet...then I would cheat I guess.

This is just too hypothetical for me I guess. I would never get in a relationship with someone I only have lukewarm feelings for. I did that when I was younger, and while it did work for some time somebody always gets hurt. So from then on I decided to wait with a new relationship, until I meet someone that takes my breath away and completely turns my life around...that happened and I`m very thankful it did.

I know what relationships are like when one (or both) of the partners "settles". It doesnÂ´t compare to love.

Originally Posted by *reesesilverstar* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I definitely think the whole movie spark thing makes a false claim on what love is supposed to be... I haven't met a couple that has 45+ years and they talk about butterflies. They talk about the sacrifices and committment they put in to making the relationship work. yeah of course the butterflies are not there after a while. ItÂ´s even been scientifically proven that the actual feeling of being in love lasts for...hm...1-1.5 years? Sorry I canÂ´t rememer. After that, you still love each other (ideally), but the butterflies are gone. IMO, thereÂ´s nothing wrong with that! ItÂ´s still a beautiful thing cause in a longer relationship you may not have the butterflies anymore, but you have trust and security, and still a lot of love for the other person


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## Adrienne (Apr 1, 2009)

That's exactly how I feel Andi. You worded it way better.


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## butterflyblue (Apr 1, 2009)

I work with someone who married his good friend, that they had known each other for years, went in the same circles, had a lot of the same friends. They both had failed relationships and got a long so good together that they decided to get married after 4 months of "dating". They have been married for a year and a half and are now going to get divorced, she said she thinks she was in love with his friendship and the idea of getting married and having a wedding.

Reality hit her about 8 months after their wedding and she knew she made a mistake. So, now not only are they losing the friendship they once had and are both hurting right now. I think you have to really know what your feeling in your heart and head before you commit to a serious relationship, you have to know if your compatibile in many ways.


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