# Age Gap Advice



## Kass (Jan 2, 2011)

Well, I'm 18 &amp; when I was 17 I was introduced to this guy at a party &amp; we exchanged numbers. We spent a fair bit of the night together &amp; We arranged 2 meet for coffee a few days later but before we met I found out that he was 30. I made sure he knew that I was only 17, he was shocked but still wanted to meet up, I wasn't so sure. In the end, because of friends telling me the age gap was too big I decided to cancel meeting up. Since then I've tried dating guys more my age but I'm never into it because I always find them immature. I'm very mature for my age &amp; prefer to go out with my older sisters (38 &amp; 40 who are both married &amp; have a couple of kids) rather than my friends who are my age as I also find them a bit immature. I was at a party the other night &amp; the guy I met a few months ago walked in, we exchanged a few glances but said nothing. Then I was out with my sisters last night at a club &amp; he walked in. We danced but I had to leave soon after. I'm having second thoughts about canceling on him &amp; am unsure of what to do if he asks me out again. He's from the Ivory Coast &amp; I'm not sure how they feel about age gaps in relationships. It could be completely normal for him to date someone younger. I'd love to meet up with him but I need a second opinion from someone who may possibly know more about Ivorian/African relationship age gaps than I do. Please help... I'm really stuck on this one.


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## Dragonfly (Jan 2, 2011)

I'm sure you won't like my advise but here goes:

You are 18 and he is 31? There is nothing wrong with dating someone older/younger than you.

Example - you are 28 and he is 40.

But there is something a bit immature - and a little weird - about a man that dates a teenager rather than a woman his own age.

These guys love young women as they feel they have less "baggage - re: life experience".

And they also feel that they can have more control over the relationship - and the woman.

Why waste your youth on an older guy?


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## divadoll (Jan 2, 2011)

That's it!  I was trying to find the words for this...

They would be able to control and 'groom' the girl to how they want you to be because you really are too young (no matter how mature you think you are) to know what their intentions truly are.  They will play on your ideals and make you believe that they are out for your best interest. 

There are lots of 'firsts' ahead of you, thats all part of youth.  Share them with those closer to your own age.  Older men will want to drain you of that youth, especially one that is more than a decade older. 



> Originally Posted by *Dragonfly* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> 
> But there is something a bit immature - and a little weird - about a man that dates a teenager rather than a woman his own age.
> ...


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## Andi (Jan 3, 2011)

I agree with the ladies!

Now that IÂ´m 26, a 30 year old man doesnÂ´t sound freakishly old anymore lol, but from the point of view of an 18 year old, it is. There is so many experiences and struggles attached to your late teens and early 20s, even if youÂ´re really mature like you said. There are things that are the same for everybody your age, finishing high school, going off to college and making new friends, experiencing new things. A 30 year old guy is usually established in his career and might think about starting a family sometime soon. He wonÂ´t really be able to relate to whatÂ´s going on in your life right now, because heÂ´s past all of this. Not saying this is true about all 30 year olds, but IÂ´d say it applies to the majority.

You can still have lots in common with this guy in terms of hobbies, personality, opinions, what you want in life etc. But trust me, not all guys your age are immature, so you donÂ´t have to let go of the idea of dating someone your age just yet! It sounds like youÂ´re pretty turned off guys your age and you think the older guy may be a much better option. If youÂ´re really interested in this guy, you could ask this guy out yourself and see how it goes.

I have only been on a few dates with older men (meaning 6-10 years older) in my early 20s, and I never wanted to take it any further. I was pretty mature myself, but I found them boring and sometimes even condescending because I naturally didnÂ´t have the life experiences they had. We were naturally at different points in our lives, and I always felt a bit less educated, experienced and confident next to them (simply due to difference in age).


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## dixiewolf (Jan 3, 2011)

When I was in high school, a good friend of mine was 18 and dating a 30 year old. They have been married 14 years I think and are really happy. They got married when she was 19. I dont think it usually works out this way but it can happen. I have always been a bit more immature for my age than others so I dated people younger or my age. I just married someone 6 years older, and I thought he was really old when we first met, lol. But that was 9 years ago.


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## Annelle (Jan 3, 2011)

I kept writing a response to this, but I'm going to just try to keep it short and simple.  (well, shorter than what I had before anyway)

It's not about the age gap so much as the life gap you have there.  You may be more mature for your age.  There are other guys out there who are in a similar stage of life as you who have higher levels of maturity than your average 18 year old male.  Honestly, 18 is like...barely even getting your first step into adulthood.  The maturity/life gap changes as you get older, as there are less milestones to pass, and it takes longer to reach those milestones.

At 18, you still have a quite a few major milestones to meet before you hit 30 (you've likely had little to no professional development, and possibly are still under the financial assistance of your parents, or even still living at home, which is completely normal for an 18 year old, but entirely looked down upon for a 30 year old), which still keeps you worlds apart.  They've hopefully had at least one serious relationship by then (if they haven't, then it's probably a really good sign that they're not relationship material...), and not only finished everything about being a "kid" (done with school and post-secondary education), live on their own, no more parents financial help or insurance policies, things in their own name, have their own place, have a job, etc...but they've already grown and developed professionally for a few years too.  (1-2 years you're still new on the job. 3-5 years you're definitely experienced. 6-10+ years and you should be considered an expert in what you do.)  A 30 year old has not only developed personally, but professionally too, and beginning to settle into the years of "middle aged".  An 18 year old hasn't really even started on either yet, and middle age is still a huge lifetime away.

I wouldn't say to look exclusively for other 18 year olds, but someone who is still in a similar stage in life will be more likely to actually experience some of these milestones with you with the same "first time" feeling that you have (or remember it from a year or two ago...instead of remembering it from a decade ago), instead of a "first time...again" feeling that someone much older would have.  I really don't get excited when I hear about a teenager being able to drive for the first time.  I'm somewhat happy for the young driver, but I don't really share their excitement, because it happened so long ago for me that it's not really significant for me anymore. It's been 13 years.  I know I was extremely excited going through driver's ed when I was going through it, and even when my friends were going through it too.  But now? I could really care less, and honestly it's another inexperienced driver on the road now, so it's not even necessarily a "good" thing for me.  Things just change as you get older.  Just be careful that he's not somebody who only wants the 18 year olds for the feeling of youth, who will just move along to the next 18 year old once you pass your life stages.


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## divadoll (Jan 3, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *dixiewolf* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> When I was in high school, a good friend of mine was 18 and dating a 30 year old. They have been married 14 years I think and are really happy. They got married when she was 19. I dont think it usually works out this way but it can happen. I have always been a bit more immature for my age than others so I dated people younger or my age. I just married someone 6 years older, and I thought he was really old when we first met, lol. But that was 9 years ago.



My husband is 8 years older than I am and on occasion, my kids and I make fun of his age when he gets nostalgic.  I was 25 when we met tho and at 25, I had a lot more life experiences behind me than those found in the microcosm of high school.  I think if I had met him at 18 and he was 26, I don't think I'd see him the same way.  We would be in 2 different places in our lives.


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## Sexy Sadie (Jan 4, 2011)

Perhaps you are mature for your age, but he is immature for his age, and do you think you can handle it?


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## llehsal (Jan 4, 2011)

I think something like age gap and how people view it is subjective.  I have many friends that have husbands 10 and more years older than they are and totally happy.  My co-worker's husband is 17 years older than she is, they met when she was in her very early 20's maybe 21 or so and they are now happily married and have a son.  I have another friend in the same position and she is now well educated even though she married to an older guy at a young age.  He provided her with the guidance and stability that she thought she needed at that time in her life. 

 I guess the other ladies are right in some instances but definitely not all.  I can tell you I never dated anyone my age.  Men my age are surprisingly not on the same maturity level, that may sound weird, but for me it's true.  Doll, you live and you learn.  Just be careful and really think about what is best for you.  You have no idea how your future may work out, but at the end of the day it's your decision, and what may work for you, may not work for someone else (and vice versa).


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## BombDiggity (Jan 5, 2011)

I don't know what to tell you only because these situations are extremely dependent on the parties involved, it seems to me that the majority of people commenting on this topic are con you dating this guy, though their points are very valid and that the people commenting are simply looking out for you. You're really the only one who can judge the situation. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year and have known each other for about 2 he is 34 now and I'm 21. Although he is quite far along in his career and I'm just getting started, I feel as though I'm much more advanced then people my age, though I didn't participate in post-secondary education I work for my family's business, so I guess I'm attending the "school of hard knocks" lol I feel like I'm getting a business education extremely hands on and nothing like I would find in a classroom. I feel much older then I am due to the things I deal with on a daily bases. I have no issues with getting married and having kids in the next couple of years. I don't feel like hes sucking away my youth because I did plenty of crazy living before I met him. Him and I still do a laundry list of amazing things on a regular basis. I also think that he has much more to offer then if I were to go out on dates with a bunch of guys over the next 5 years. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who found the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life pretty early.

I think that you should consider this guy and maybe rather then just jumping into being his girlfriend. Keep it lite, hang with him under no "label" and just see what happens. Don't put pressure on your self and make it clear to him your still feeling this situation out, so maybe sex will be out of the question for awhile until you find out what your really getting into. My boyfriend and I were friends/seeing eachother for 8 months before we had sex. There's no harm in giving it a shot. If you feel things are getting too heavy too fast then end it - let him know your not comfortable with whats going on and you want to be done with it because you may not be ready to settle down.


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## AbigailJune92 (Jan 5, 2011)

I dated someone my age 5 months ago and although I have lots of male friends that are my age I won't date someone my age again.

I'm 18 aswell so I know where you're coming from, but the age gap is huge. When he was 18, you were 6. It's a bit creepy.

I think that you're a little uncomfortable by it, by you questioning it and I think it's really mature you're thinking about it.

I was with a 23 year old recently and he was 5 years older, he was great but there is definately elements of his age post-relationship evident. He's now been in a relationship for a month and is moving in with her, at 23 I think he's looking down to settle down which you'll probably agree is a littl terrifying for most of us 18 year olds  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

Also, how will you have a normal relationship introducing him to the parents?

At the end of the day hun, it's your life and your decision, we just all want to advise you and keep you happy and safe and regret-free  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

xxx


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## bamboogirls (May 3, 2011)

I don't know much about African traditions but I just wanted to say. I was 17 when I met my husband. He is now 30 and I am barely in my 20's. It works for me because I have the same issue. Bonus, he has had more experience in a lot of ways and helps guide me in ways some guy my age couldn't.  Guys, no matter where they are, mature slower than females and females tend to be more impatient than males. If you are into an older guy, great. I wouldn't hold back. Also, when he hits that midlife crisis, there won't be any reason for him to trade you in for a new younger wiffe, you are young and youthful still, and they hit it sooner than you think. Idk. The words aren't coming out right. I can't really explain it. What I am saying is, age doesn't matter too much. And as you get older, it will matter even less so you don't want to settle just because it is more acceptable to some people to date your age.
 



> Originally Posted by *Kass* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Well, I'm 18 &amp; when I was 17 I was introduced to this guy at a party &amp; we exchanged numbers. We spent a fair bit of the night together &amp; We arranged 2 meet for coffee a few days later but before we met I found out that he was 30. I made sure he knew that I was only 17, he was shocked but still wanted to meet up, I wasn't so sure. In the end, because of friends telling me the age gap was too big I decided to cancel meeting up. Since then I've tried dating guys more my age but I'm never into it because I always find them immature. I'm very mature for my age &amp; prefer to go out with my older sisters (38 &amp; 40 who are both married &amp; have a couple of kids) rather than my friends who are my age as I also find them a bit immature. I was at a party the other night &amp; the guy I met a few months ago walked in, we exchanged a few glances but said nothing. Then I was out with my sisters last night at a club &amp; he walked in. We danced but I had to leave soon after. I'm having second thoughts about canceling on him &amp; am unsure of what to do if he asks me out again. He's from the Ivory Coast &amp; I'm not sure how they feel about age gaps in relationships. It could be completely normal for him to date someone younger. I'd love to meet up with him but I need a second opinion from someone who may possibly know more about Ivorian/African relationship age gaps than I do. Please help... I'm really stuck on this one.


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## Bonnie Krupa (May 4, 2011)

I once dated a guy 11 years older than me.  It was fun but by the end of the first year I had to dump him.  He acted like a 15 year old kid and I just didn't see it going anywhere because he was so immature.  I figured if he hadn't grown up by now (he was mid 30's) it will probably never happen.


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## jeanarick (May 4, 2011)

My husband is 19 years older than me.  We've been together 21 years.  I was 19 when we started dating and he was 38 and fresh out of a nasty divorce.  I don't think he expected me to stick around very long because of the age difference, but I'm no fool.  I managed to land myself the best man on the planet.  He is the most kind, caring, supportive, loving person I've ever met and he is still quite "manly".  I feel when I describe him I give people this image of a wuss, which he is not.  He is an incredibly strong take charge sort of person.  He just seems to know when I need to be taken care of and when I need to spread my wings and fly. 

Oh my goodness he is such a wonderful father to our sons.  I could not have designed a better role model for them.  Sometimes age differences just work for some people.  For us it has, but for others I've seen it create too many problems.  My husband "acts his age", meaning he is mature and grown up and handles his business like a man should, but he is still playful and young at heart.  I grew up pretty fast and young so by the age of 19 I was ready for a mature long term relationship.  Some people can't bridge the generation gap and there is just too many differences to overcome.  I guess I'm just a lucky girl.  I won the lottery when it comes to love and relationships.


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## Amendria (May 5, 2011)

It's not like your going to marry him in the next few months, your just going to have fun. Go on a date with him, have some coffee with him  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## vicky1804 (May 7, 2011)

Im similar to Jeanarick. I met my partner when I was 21 he was 33. We have been together 5 years yesterday, are moving to London and getting married next year.

At first my mam was very wary but has done a complete 180 in the way shes sees him. Both my parents have said they couldnt have wished for anyone better and he has proven himself time and time again. He treats me like a queen, tells me he loves me everyday. Whenever we talk on the phone he always blows me a kiss even after 5 years lol

I cannot imagine life with out him, he has been my rock this last 12 months when iv been ill, depressed etc

If you want to, id go out with him, keep it light and fun and just see where it goes. People might not like it but at the end of the day if you are both happy no one else matters

Good Luck


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## gennett21 (May 7, 2011)

If you were 21 and he was 31 or even order I would say go for it, but since you are still a teenager and he is as old as he is my first thought is what is up with him? My mom and dad have a big age difference and I am 33 and my boyfriend is a little older so I do not see anything wrong with dating a older man, but I will tell you this about dealing with age gaps. Take a look at your life and ask yourself what do you want out of life, because there are a lot of things to think about dealing with older men especially much older men. Now we all know that anything can happen to our bodies young and old but sometimes in the case of older men, (lol) the sex may decrease some or to nothing, he may devleope bad legs or knees or become older and lazy and don't want to do very much and these are the things that you have to be willing to deal with because that is your husband or boyfriend. You may have to take care of this person in there old age and that is something you would need to be ok with. Sometimes people get into relationships with older people at the present time and think feel at that moment it's a great thing to do but at the end are not ready for some of the things that can happen and take place with the body.  You may be younger and still wanting to go out and have fun while he wants to sit on the coach and do nothing. Sometimes when you are younger and an older man is trying to hit on you it looks cute but once you become an adult and really think of it why would a man who is in his thirties want a teenage girl mature for your age or not.


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## tiarra (May 7, 2011)

I don't have a problem with age gaps in general. But when one of the people involved is that young, I start to question the motives of the other party. In the end, it's your life and your decision. I wouldn't have dated anyone that much older than me when I was 18. But now that I'm 26...who knows.


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## jessicasilky (Oct 23, 2011)

i am 40 and i am dating a 21 yr old boy in college.  I don't think ther eis anything wrong with that


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## Bonnie Krupa (Oct 23, 2011)

Good for you jessica  â™¥!!!    My current bf is 5 years younger than me, neither of us care or even notice a difference.  I think  as long as the 2 ppl involved are on the same page and want the same things then there shouldn't be a problem with the age difference


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## SarahNerd (Oct 23, 2011)

Glad to hear there are some success stories with age gaps.  I dated a 30 year old for a short period when I was 19.  He was sexy and mature and treated me like an equal adult. I thought I was an adult at the time.  It fizzled out after a very short period.  Now I'm 33 and look back and know more about him now.  Turns out he was just a guy who really liked sleeping with girls as young as possible. Also looking at myself then and now I don't see what a 30 year old would have in common.  The maturity levels are so far spread. Obviously it works out for some people some of the time, but it can go the other way too. I guess a lot of it has to do with the individuals involved.


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## 13Bluestar97 (Oct 24, 2011)

I gotta say that's a pretty big gap- but it's not like you're gonna spend the rest of your life with him! I think it's okay to date him for a short time, to see what it's like, but it's not a good idea when he starts getting serious. Heck, and I thought dating a guy a grade higher than you was bad!


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