# Is cheating forgiveable?



## laurreenn (Apr 29, 2008)

do you think cheaters change? do you think a relationship can really repair itself after a betrayal of that magnitude?


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## KatJ (Apr 29, 2008)

I absolutely believe that cheaters can change. As for the repairing of the relationship, I don't know. Once that trust is broken, I dont understand how it could ever be recreated. Personally, if my husband cheated on me, I would never be able to stay with him. He feels the same way.


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## empericalbeauty (Apr 29, 2008)

No. cheaters dont change and No i wont forgive Chris if he cheated on me. Nor would he if i did the same. Its always going to be in the air. no trust. no way, dude.


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## Anthea (Apr 29, 2008)

I feel cheaters can change, but I think only a small percentage do. Some relationships can be repaired, my Uncle cheated on my Aunt about 30 years ago, they worked it out and are still together.


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## Duchess Ravenwaves (Apr 29, 2008)

I think some people are capable of changing. I fogive but don't forget, there would always be a trust issue. For me it would be impossible to resume a relationship, if I knew the guy cheated on me.


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## pinksugar (Apr 29, 2008)

I believe that cheaters can change definately, but I do think a lot of work needs to be done on both sides re: the trust issue. It's something you have to build back up and it does require a lot of forgiveness and tolerance on the part of the person cheated on. Not everyone can get past it.

That being said, I also think that sometimes the reason that someone has cheated need to be taken into account. Is there an underlying issue that has not been resolved which is what gave them the idea that it was 'ok' or justifiable?

(not that I'm condoning cheating or anything, I'm just saying it's more complex in my mind than just that. And I've been on both sides too - cheater and cheated)


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## Beyonce Welch (Apr 29, 2008)

*Mu husband didn't forgive me and I can't blame him because I was cheating on him by being with another women. I had repressed my sexuality for many years and I could not promise him that I would not repeat my activities. If I were cheating on him by being with a man he may have forgiven me, but only one time.




*


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## SewAmazing (Apr 29, 2008)

I instantly ended a 6 yr. relationship after I found out my live-in ex boyfriend was having a secret relationship with another woman for 2 yrs. He was a single dad, and I raised his son while we were together, and I really loved that child! I realized that this was not about me, but about him, so I was out. He got married to a woman (but not the one he cheated with) who felt that all he needed was "a good woman" (since it obviously wasn't me) to stop his deceitful ways. He has been married for 8 yrs. and has 3 outside children with yet another side woman. He and his wife don't have children, but she is staying with him because she doesn't want to be divorced...I look at her now and just know she paid a high price for her choice...


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## speerrituall1 (Apr 29, 2008)

A cheater may change but the trust can never be restored.


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## mac-whore (Apr 29, 2008)

that's something in my opinion that is absolutely unacceptable. do i think a cheater can change??? rarely but, yes. will i stick around to figure that out? no. life is too short.


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## Nick007 (Apr 29, 2008)

I don't know if they can change, maybe if they really want to change. The forgiveness one is hard, because you can't erase that from your memory. I would dwell on it forever! That's hurtful.


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## puncturedskirt (Apr 29, 2008)

Like a few said already, I think they can change... (Not usually though) but the trust will be pretty hard to get back.


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## GlossyAbby (Apr 29, 2008)

Anyone can change... but a cheater has to WANT to change. It can be forgiven but I think it would take a lot of time and possibly counseling


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## love2482 (Apr 29, 2008)

Originally Posted by *speerrituall1* /img/forum/go_quote.gif A cheater may change but the trust can never be restored. True


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## Johnnie (Apr 29, 2008)

Originally Posted by *mac-whore* /img/forum/go_quote.gif that's something in my opinion that is absolutely unacceptable. do i think a cheater can change??? rarely but, yes. will i stick around to figure that out? no. life is too short.


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## laurreenn (Apr 29, 2008)

i was wondering if any girls on here stayed with a cheater and regained trust for him? this hasn't personally happened to me, but i'm curious about what happens to a relationship after this kind of betrayl. i'm not naive enough to think it could never happen to me, and i just want to be prepared. infidelity is common in relationships these days..


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## CellyCell (May 1, 2008)

You know, it depends on the person and if that guilt got to them - if they're willing to change and not do it again.

But from experience, once a cheater - ALWAYS a cheater, sadly. I think for me, the trust is just gone... you can forgive but trust is so hard to gain back and arguments escalate because of that, then there's no point in continuing a relationship with no trust.

I can say cheating is forgivable but trust in one is gone, therefor unforgettable.


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## Dragonfly (May 1, 2008)

I have mixed feelings on this subject.

If it happened once, and he only messed around with that one person - there was absolutely no emotion, just happened kind of thing, I could forgive.

If it were an affair that went one over time, several encounters, lies, etc then I would leave him. It wasn't just that he had sex with another but that he deceived me on many levels - I will not tolerate that BS.


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## ticki (May 1, 2008)

once a cheater, always a cheater. why waste your time on somebody who has so little respect and so much contempt for you that they would do something like that? my gf and i both feel the same way about this. if either of us cheated on the other, it's bye bye.


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## sweetnsexy6953 (May 1, 2008)

I can say that once a cheater always a cheater isnt always true. My dad cheated on my mom and yea they had their problems afterwards but my mom loved him so much that they got back together and my dad hasnt cheated since. I think that they are more happy now than they were before. Cheating can be forgiveable but you wont ever forget. If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be out the door in a heartbeat. Ive been cheated on in the past and I'm not gonna be cheated on again.


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## laurreenn (May 3, 2008)

thanks for all the posts ladies! haha i've actually learned a lot.


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## LittleMissLilo (May 3, 2008)

I'm actually going thru this right now. I found out last week. I obviously was really mad about and really sad about it. But my mom raised me to forgive when I felt the need to do so. I did a lot of thinking and yes I forgave him. But of course I didnt forget. Its always gonna live with me for however long. I still think about it, but I honestly know in time that people can change if they really try. So we'll see if its true and he can prove me wrong! =[


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## Killah Kitty (Jun 15, 2008)

It really depends, there is no one answer to this. I have been cheated on twice (no sex) and I cheated on this guy 11 times and I just ended up telling him.

Like Carolyn said, I dont think we would've forgiven each other if the things that had happened had feelings involved. Each time it was a different person and it meant nothing.

He treated me this way because he had just gotten out of many bad relationships. And I sort of just reacted by acting the same. I know its still not right. I believe in treating someone only as well as they treat you.

Now why we have forgiven each other after all this and decided to stay and work on this? I don't know. We must really love each other. I guess we are both cheaters, but we are both young (Im 18, hes 20), and we want to change, we also have been together 2 and a half years so it feels like so much history to us.

So all the time we try and work on the trust and if we hurt each other any more we know it will be over because it is very hurtful. So we just work together and so far so good we have been happy and often we feel closer and more open with each other than ever before, cause it sort of feels like we been through hell and back and haven't wanted to give up on each other. Its weird to the point I don't understand it. Typically I would've been one that just up and left after being hurt, I don't have a problem finding someone knew, but for some reason Im still here, and so is he, and we are doing our best to not be cheaters anymore, because you know in the end everybody wants someone that will always be there, unconditionally care for them and love them and if you sort of feel it with someone and want to become a better person with someone, perhaps we will get somewhere even after all that betrayal. We say it is in the past and we want it to stay that way. I guess only time will tell. I know I want to change and I have been doing great for 6 months. Him, not as good, and Im not sure if he's all there with me, but I feel like he's getting there.


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## kdmakeuparts (Jun 15, 2008)

It does not matter to me what issues made somebody think that cheating is justified.

Those issues should have been dealt with before "outside activities."

For us it is an absolute deal-breaker. I will not teach my Daughter that it is acceptable to tolerate such betrayal. Kids know more than we think, trust me I know!


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## nanzmck (Jun 15, 2008)

if you have a relationship where you keep any secrets, play games, or are just not 100% real with each other, then yeah, cheating would probably be a deal breaker.

i get so frustrated with my friends sometimes because i swear they are trying to live out some kind of Lifetime movie or something with their relationships.

it's not a big deal for me. i love my man too much to condemn him and throw him away for being human.


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## pinksugar (Jun 15, 2008)

Def. Some interesting responses here!

When we say cheating, do we mean, a one off pash? a one night stand? a prolonged affair over many months with emotional involvement? I think there are levels I would forgive, and levels that I would not forgive.

KD, what I meant when I said that the cir***stances around it must be considered is this:

here was my situation - my boyfriend and I had not been intimate in a really long time (3-6 months) I had tried EVERYTHING you can think of. I adored him, thought I would be with him forever, but the more he pushed me away, the more unattractive I felt. The less we had sex, the less connected we were.

I went on holiday where a particular person (who I've fooled around with when I was single) once again started flirting with me, and one night we got drunk and made out. I know it's not ok, but I was just desperate to feel attractive. I really needed to be wanted, to be loved, and I wasn't getting that from my boyfriend.

Sure, I should have walked away from him, said, look, you're not giving me waht I want anymore and that should have been it. But I was still trying to make it work. The relationship was dead, and here was someone offering me what I so desperately wanted.

I caved. We just kissed, in my opinion that's no big deal, not compared to an affair. There was no emotional involvement, and it took me many months of being pushed so far as to get to that point in the first place.

Was it right? no, it wasn't.

But do I consider myself a serial cheater? hell no. It took me almost a year of trying to salvage the relationship, being rebuffed, feeling like there was something wrong with me, to get to the point where I caved in.

To me, the cheating was a symptom of a much deeper problem and a sign that our relationship was definitely not working. Some might say, I'm a terrible person, I don't have respect for my partner, I'll cheat again -

maybe that's true. But maybe, my cir***stances and sitation were very much a part of what I did. I can honestly say that it would be very unlikely, that is to say, almost impossible, that I would cheat again.

I hope you guys won't all hate me now




I wouldn't call myself a bad person, I just had an instance of weakness and I screwed up. I think everyone can be forgiven once. But if I were to be cheated on again, I would most definitely look at myself, and think what I might have done to trigger it, as well as to consider whether hey, he's just an *******.

Cheating is not as simple an issue as it looks! I'd be interested to hear your responses to this since it did take some courage to tell you guys this


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## SqueeKee (Jun 15, 2008)

I cheated on my husband when we were doing long distance for a year. We had dated for 6 weeks in 2002 then were apart for exactly one year. I had no idea I would actually ever see him again. It was a pretty shitty time in my life.

Had we actually been together in a non-long distance relationship it would have never happened. I would never cheat on him now so I know for a fact that yes, cheaters can change, "Once a cheater always a cheater" is a load of bull, and in some cases it is forgivable.

If Wes cheated on me now, while we are married &amp; living together, sleeping together every night . . . I would be heartbroken of course but I wouldn't walk away. I would ask "what is wrong with our relationship", see if anything is fixable and then make a decision to stay or leave. If our problems were fixable, if he were willing to work for my trust back the way I worked for his, I would try to work it out because this man is my husband, the love of my life and I don't believe in giving up on marriage that easily.

I myself could never do that to him again, no matter how bad things got between us. If I ever felt like I was tempted I would be upfront and tell him about it right away and I would expect him to do the same. There are no lies between us anymore.


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## kdmakeuparts (Jun 17, 2008)

pinksugar~ I don't think anyone on here would hate you or think badly of you, including myself. I meant for me in my life I don't care what the cir***stances are.

Every couple will handle this situation differently. I think you knew in your heart that your relationship was over. A kiss outside of a dating relationship I am sure can be worked through. IMO.

As for a sexual or emotional affair, I am not buying that it is "human" to do this to someone you love. And my Husband and I do not keep secrets or play games and are "real" with eachother. Which is why we would rather come to eachother and say, I am unhappy, I've been tempted, let's get some help, should the situation every turn that serious.

I don't see leaving your husband or wife for cheating as "giving up on marriage" and it certainly would not be an easy choice.

If either of us cheated that person is the one who gave up. And when trust is broken in that magnitude, it can't be restored. For me anyway. I would drive myself, and him, crazy wondering if he was cheating again.

I could not live like that, or make my family live that way.

Every situation is different. And I certainly don't mean to discount anyones dating relationship, but marriage is different. We made promises to eachother....for life, and if I ever feel that I can't keep those promises then I will tell him so.

And we have children involved now, and I won't stay in a bad relationship just so they have Mommy and Daddy under the same roof. What good would that do if we were miserable. We will always be their parents and always love them, that is most important. And I don't EVER want my daughter to see me the way I saw my Mom, sad and embarressed. My Father cheated and she forgave him, but things were BAD for a long time. They are still together, but that isn't really saying much!

That is why this hits so close to home for me


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## ivette (Jun 18, 2008)

it all depends if the cheater wants to change


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## GlossyAbby (Jun 18, 2008)

Rosie I dont think bad of you at all! It happens and you admit it.... I hope you find someone that truly makes you happy!


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## Orangeeyecrayon (Jun 18, 2008)

I think cheaters can change. my current boyfriend told me before we stated dating that when he was in high school he cheated on his girlfriend. he also told me that since than he had never cheated on any of his other girl friends.

So while i do think people can change, if he ever cheated on me i would never forgive him. because in my mind it is my thinking that if someone lets there significant other get away with cheating with out any ramification than they will just do it again.


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## pinksugar (Jun 18, 2008)

I definitely agree that marriage is different from dating. I would never have done that if I were married (I would hope!)

I guess in some ways I'm afraid of getting married for that very reason. How awful to have to go through that, ESPECIALLY with children





I'd prefer to never get married at all. I just hope that I will eventually find someone that makes me feel in the deepest most secret part of my heart that he would never, ever do that. (haha, which is why I might end up single and alone



)


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## fiercely (Jun 18, 2008)

I really think it depends on the type of cheating (one night stand vs. long term cheating), whether he would forgive me if I did the same, and how many times he did it. I always take into account what my SO would do if I were to do the same, because if he's going to be forgiving or not, I believe there should be equality as far as boundaries.


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## Adrienne (Jun 18, 2008)

I think cheating is forgivable but its really hard and takes lots of time to trust that person again. Not many people are willing to put that time into the reltionship to wait and find out if it works or not. Its usually much easier to leave that person and start fresh with someone else.


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## kdmakeuparts (Jun 18, 2008)

I guess in some ways I'm afraid of getting married for that very reason. How awful to have to go through that, ESPECIALLY with children




Just wanted to clarify, I am not going through this. I watched my parents go through this.


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## katana (Jun 19, 2008)

I do believe a cheater can change.

I don't think its a personality trait, but more of an outcome because of certain situations at the time. People cheat for all kinds of different reasons.

The issue of Trust, would be the problem.

It can be very hard to regain that same level of trust, and it will take time to get over the initial hurt.

Some relationships may actually become stronger, after experiencing such a blow.

It's a personal choice whether or not someone will stay, and forgive after the fact.

I have been cheated on in the past, and I chose to stay.

If it were to be something that would happen more then once, I would leave.

Everybody makes mistakes, and bad decisions in there life. No body is perfect.

I think that if my soul connects with another one, then be all means I will try to repair and fix anything that may go wrong.

I feel like Love is stronger then anything, and you can use it to overcome anything.

It's all a personal choice, and comes down to your heart.





I just want to add, I under NO cir***stances condone cheating in any way, shape or form.


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## pinksugar (Jun 19, 2008)

kdm, I remembered





There are so many people I know who have been touched by this though, all but two exs had parents that were separated, and it was a huge impact on their lives


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## rlise (Jun 20, 2008)

i agree it cannot be forgotten. some people have the whatever it takes to get over something like that and some people like me cant! im unsure if once a cheater always a cheater, cuz my mans family told me that he cheated on every single chick he had ever been with and he didnt deny it .. and he hasnt cheated on me that i know of. so ya know im kinda eh on that one. cuz really you just dont know!

igot with my man in the beginning tellin him of here are the rules of me aight! DONT LIE&lt; DONT CHEAT&lt; DONT HIT ME and well be aight! and he as a man cant help but lie, so whatever so do i , but the other 2 i will not stand for nor attempt to even deal with. and he knows this , so ya know. and ive told him that if you cheat i dunno care.. we are done.... bye bye die and rot for all i care! cuz i mean honestly it is not hard to be 1 person sexually aslong aas they working it right.. ya know... and if not then move on ... life to oshort!


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## bCreative (Jun 20, 2008)

i think cheaters could change

but at the same time I feel that if you forgive them they will do it again...because in their mind, their thinking she took me back after i cheated so i can do it again because she will take me back.


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## Andi (Jun 20, 2008)

I believe any strong relationship can survive it if one of the partner cheats, has a one night stand. Now, an actual affair is different.

Even before I met my fiancÃ© I had the opinion IÂ´d be willing to forgive my partner if he had a one night stand. Same would count for me. Of course I hope this is never gonna happen, but IÂ´m not naive and I know things donÂ´t always go the way weÂ´d like them to.

Now my fiancÃ© and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 2 years, and we have one more year to go. The sexual frustration is so damn hard, along with the lack of being close to someone, or someone making you feel attractive. If either one of us cheated in that difficult time (and we havenÂ´t yet, kudos to both of us lol) it would be very very forgiveable IMO.

We only get to see each other twice a year, but it might be more often in the next year. And, the longest we went without seeing each other was an entire year. That was so NOT fun! lol

Overall itÂ´s up to peopleÂ´s morals. Some people would throw away a long term relationship because the other person kissed someone else (IÂ´ve seen it happen, I think thatÂ´s crazy), some would take a multiple cheater back every time. I think most people fall in the happy (?) medium category, and thatÂ´s where I see myself as well.

Bottom line: Even good people do bad things sometimes.


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## laurafaye (Jun 20, 2008)

Andi that must be so hard, it's so cute that you've stayed together for 2 years though, must be true love






And if my boyfriend cheated I'd be upset but I would probably forgive him as I am a naturally forgiving person



He hasn't cheated so far after 2 years though which is a good sign!


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## Adrienne (Jun 20, 2008)

I just wanted to add, from someone who's been cheated on already, I would never deal with it again. If me and my husband were to go our separate ways today and i were to find a significant other, i would not forgive him for nothing. I've realized that its too much pain and i have way more self esteem now and less patience for some guy to waste my time.


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## laurreenn (Jun 23, 2008)

pinksugar and katana, i totally agree with your points. i think it depends on each cir***stance you can't just have one black and white phrase to apply to every situation ("once a cheater always a cheater" doesn't apply to every situation).

Andi also brings up a good point. I mean if i could only see my boyfriend twice a year (or not see him at all! omg how do you do it?) i don't know what i'd do. of course i'd be devstated if he kissed somoene else, but i think it's understandable.


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## Lolita Von Tess (Jul 23, 2008)

There complex reasons behind why people cheat(so its better not to judge). We as humans are all imperfect and all make mistakes. If a couple can work through it together and put the past behind them,then i believe there is plenty room for change.


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## kcam125 (Aug 1, 2008)

from some experience with my parents, ehh. it's true in their case.


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## Aquilah (Aug 1, 2008)

Whether or not they change, I have no idea. Honestly, I cannot see myself staying with John if he ever cheated on me. That's opening a whole new can of worms that he doesn't even want to deal with!


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## rejectstar (Aug 2, 2008)

My boyfriend cheated on me about a year and a half into our relationship... he let another girl go down on him. She was a mutual friend, or that's what I thought anyway. We hadn't known her for very long, but I was comfortable around her and I was 100% secure in my belief that my boyfriend would never, ever cheat on me. No trace of doubt had EVER crossed my mind before this incident.

So, one night there was a party at my boyfriend's house, and the aforementioned mutual friend was there. We had a great night and whatever, but I had to go home eventually. I guess she stayed, and somehow ended up sleeping on the couch in my boyfriend's bedroom. I got a call from my boyfriend the next day, he sounded really upset, and said that he needed to talk to me about something, and I should come over. So I did, and he sat me down, put his arms around me and admitted that the night before, our "friend" had ended up in his bed, and things happened. Just hands and mouths, no actual sex. He apologized and said that immediately afterward he felt terrible about it, and was scared because he didn't want to lose me. So, I cried. And he cried. And I told him how hurt I felt, but I said I wasn't angry. I forgave him. Then I cried like I've never cried before... for about an hour, maybe longer. I honestly felt like my soul was being ripped out of me or something. It felt like forever. He layed with me and rubbed my back, and tried to comfort me.

We've been together for over 4 years now and are doing just fine. In all honesty, it did take a year or two for me to be able to trust him again. I want to be able to say I fully trust him, but that's what I said before, and it blew up in my face. He hates what he did, and he's told me before that it feels like a scar that won't go away. He avoids that girl now... neither of us want anything to do with her. She's a manipulative b*tch, good riddance! LOL.

So obviously you can tell by now that I'm one who doesn't believe in the "once, always" thing. People are human, and we makes mistakes. The love of my life is no exception to this rule, unfortunately. In our case, it was one slip up, a stupid decision that was regretted immediately afterward. I hope that he learned something from all of it, and won't do it again. I can forgive a cheater once, but ONLY once! An ongoing affair, emotional, physical, or both, would be grounds for ending the relationship, IMO.


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## Karen CD FL (Aug 2, 2008)

Cheating is like smoking, you can't have just one.

I truly believe that once the bond is broken, there can never be 100 percent trust ever again.


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## Killah Kitty (Aug 21, 2008)

Hilary that is a touching story. Props to your man for telling you right away. It took me almost a year to fess up.

Quote:
I can forgive a cheater once, but ONLY once! An ongoing affair, emotional, physical, or both, would be grounds for ending the relationship, IMO. I completly agree.
Karen Im sorry but I wouldn't compare cheating to smoking! Smoking is an addictive habit, but even it can be dropped if you want it bad enough. Cheating is not addictive.


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## pinksugar (Aug 21, 2008)

yes, thanks Hilary for that story, it was really moving. I agree with you Fran - cheating and smoking are not the same IMO...

I also agree that I'd never forgive a serial cheater. People do make mistakes, and I guess I feel that they should be given a chance to improve upon themselves


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## magneticheart (Aug 21, 2008)

I think that there are situations where a cheater can change but in general, no.

I wouldn't be able to forgive a cheater. I think once the trust is broken it can't be repaired and trust is the most important thing. I think you'd drive yourself to insanity wondering where they were and what they were doing and it just wouldn't be worth it. If someone cheated on me it would always be on my mind and I'd drive myself crazy not being able to let it go.


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## Johnnie (Aug 21, 2008)

If my SO got oral sex from someone other than myself, that's it. I'm out. No if, ands or buts about it. He betrayed me and that's all it takes is one time. If he cried because he was 'so sorry' I wouldn't care. I don't play games like that. To me you're either in or you're out!


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## xtiffanyx (Aug 22, 2008)

Originally Posted by *jmgjmg623* /img/forum/go_quote.gif If my SO got oral sex from someone other than myself, that's it. I'm out. No if, ands or buts about it. He betrayed me and that's all it takes is one time. If he cried because he was 'so sorry' I wouldn't care. I don't play games like that. To me you're either in or you're out! Same here...I wouldn't give someone the chance to mess up a second time.


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