# Help Me Please



## SwtHannah (Jun 1, 2013)

*     I am a guy who has secretly dressed as a girl since I was 11. I have very traditional parents growing up. They were laxed on a lot of things but girls did girl stuff and guys did guy stuff. *

*     However, I have all my life hated being dirty. I hated fishing and was scared of bugs. I loved baseball as a kid but then again girls played little league too. Anyways my mom did let me go on trips with her lady friends and their daughters. I loved doing that a lot. I never talked clothes or girly stuff. However, I just loved talk like you would expect form girls.*

*     I hate being out in the sun. I have the build of a girl. I have cute girly freckles on my face. I have a bubbly girls butt also.  I love girls and dated a ton in life, never once wanting a guy. How come at 36 do i want to be a girl so bad i can't stand it. I have bought clothes on my won and dressed by myself as a girl. Also I would dress up and go driving around in my car on Friday's and Saturday nights. However, I still love girls. Now with all this said, how come I want is so bad now? And since I do want it so bad what should I do? *

*     I live in a town of anywhere from 10,000 - 30,000 ppl so just going out dressed up is no that easy. What can I do? I need a ladies advice. I love acting as, doing as , and everything girly. I love shopping for girls clothes and I am not ashamed to purchase them myself. I have also had compliments on a girls hairbrush i bought and loved it. I wore girls pants one day on wacky jeans day at work. A girl offered 2 by my pants and i was so happy it made my whole day. I still like guys stuff wrestling, baseball, batman etc. Although i have at least 10 little mermaid dolls. I love female movies. My favs are: 13 going on 30, Hope floats, Notting Hill,  A walk to Remember etc. which i own on dvd. *

*     I love girls music. I own madonna, mariah carey, janet jackson, celine dion, debbie gibson cds among others. However i own a ton of rap cds from snoop, dre, ice cube, kanye west etc which i love to play in my car also. *

*     OK girls i want to be a girl so bad i can't stand it. What should i do. Any advice. I have all the tools to be a girl (dresses, lingerie, makeup, breastforms etc.) I wear panties and girls jeans everyday with womans shoes. No one knows or can tell I do that. Please help me to know the next step to take and how to do it living in a small church oriented town. Thanks so much for any and all responses. *


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## lilsxkitten (Jun 1, 2013)

Hi! Are you familiar with the singer from the band Against Me? In the past year she publically brought her story to public attention. Similar to your situation, she was born a boy but was attracted to women. Not to say that you want gender reassignment, but she was pretty open about her thoughts and experiences. My friend posted a recent article about her that was in cosmopolitan. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/_mobile/celebrity/exclusive/laura-jane-grace-first-year-as-a-woman Maybe you could get some insight from her experience?


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## SwtHannah (Jun 2, 2013)

Thanks so much for your insight. I am now checking the story. Thanks for being open minded and not judging me. This is very hard to deal with. Wanting something so bad but too scared. My whole life will be changed. Everyone likes me as me and changing that will lose everything I have or at least I think it will. Or do I just be the person I want and be totally happy? Thanks so much again for understanding.


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## lilsxkitten (Jun 4, 2013)

I wish it could be easier for you!  You have some very difficult decisions, by the sound of it. I think I am pretty bad at giving advice, because I just want suffering in the world to be minimized and I just want everyone to be as happy as can possible.  I would say, be yourself!  I know it isn't that easy, especially living in a small town.  Find a support system, be it online or elsewhere where you could be yourself with them, and I think wayy better advice can be given through them than anything I could say.  You have to be comfortable before you break the news, and you have to be ready for people's reactions.  One of my best friends took 15 years before he "came out" to friends, and he still hasn't directly told his family.   Everyone has the right to be able to live in the "pursuit of happiness" and I REALLY hope you are able to do so!


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## meaganola (Jun 4, 2013)

There's one thing you say that really gets to me: You say that everyone likes you as you. But it sounds like they like the you *that they know*, which is not truly *you*. It's a mask you wear. Everyone wears masks, but it sounds like yours is killing your soul. I'm going to post this so the thread is on my subscription page and see if I can find a link to Laura Jane Grace's coming-out interview in _Rolling Stone_ last year. It had a lot of stuff that sounds almost exactly what you're going through. ETA: Okay, here it is: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/the-secret-life-of-transgender-rocker-tom-gabel-20120531 And if you like rock or punk at all, I highly recommend Against Me!'s albums _New Wave_ and _Searching for a Former Clarity_. At the very least, look up the lyrics. The song content is stunning when you realize those songs were written something like *seven years* before she came out to *anyone* because it seems completely obvious, and her bandmates and her wife were blindsided when she told them. In retrospect, everything is laid out right there, but it's also applicable to anyone trying to live up to someone else's expectations. I wish I could give you advice on how to live in your small church-going town, but my only advice would be to get out, which probably is not helpful *at all*. Unfortunately, sometimes the difference between what is demanded of you and what you can be is irreconcilable, and the only way to survive is to escape. As for still being attracted to women, I believe that studies have found that most trans women (genetically male, psychologically female, for lack of a better way to put it) are in fact attracted to women, not men. Gender identity and sexual orientation are completely separate. One of my friends from college was a lesbian whose girlfriend was a trans woman. Laura Jane Grace got married and had a daughter while she thought she could live as a man. You might also want to check out Jennifer Finney Boylan, an English professor who also got married, had a couple of boys, transitioned to female, and is still married to the mother of her sons. She's written several books about it (I think she's actually on a book tour for one of them right now), so she clearly has a lot to say on the matter. One of your concerns is why you want this so badly now at the age of 36. That's actually not an advanced age to realize this. It takes a looooong time to realize that you need to dismantle lifelong teachings and even longer to actually dismantle them. There have also been some studies that have found that brain chemistry actually changes at around the age of 30, so a lot of people who fought debilitating depression in their teens and twenties have a better time of things once they get rolling into their thirties, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is discovered one day that trans people tend to decide to live authentically after the age of 35. It might just be your time. And now I have to stop because it's an hour past my bedtime, but please know you have allies rooting for you -- and who will want to know how you are doing. (One thing that just occurred to me: Do you have even one person you know in real life who knows your situation? Sometimes it helps to have just one person who you can be yourself with. If this is something you think you want to take public, you can start small, just having dinner at home dressed as a woman, or if you wanted to still present as male at work, you could still do the dinner-at-home thing. The idea here is to get this outside of just yourself. And now it's even later, and I'm going to stop making sense in about two minutes, so I'm seriously going to bed now. I really hope you can find *something* out there that helps you sort out your path. I do believe that there's a path out there for you, but you will have to search it out and work for it.)


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## SwtHannah (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you so much for your kind words. As difficult as this is it is something I must do. It is how I feel on the inside. Not gay but like I have always been a female inside. Juts my likes and actions. I have never acted gay or have never been called such. I have just done my own thing and it confused a-lot of people, Most people just said it that's his way. A-lot of people just said he isn't into this or that and would not be around me. Girls loved me but would not want a long relationship. Really when it was over I was most of the time happy. I really came to terms with this one spring break in the 93 when i was dumped right before spring break. My family stayed home that week as my dad was a construction worker and had a good paying job to do. It rained that week and all i did for a week was cry some and listen to the bodyguard soundtrack. Now I liked guy stuff but I rather do girl stuff, hang with girls, talk to girls, and have girl things. Ok I felt like a tomboy growing up. It wasn't until I was anywhere from 18-21 I matured and felt as I was a true girl inside and wanted the makeup, the girl clothes etc. As a teen i just wanted girls jeans, underware, etc. but as a young adult I wanted to be a woman. Like any real girl they mature and grow up and want to be woman and do woman stuff and quit being a tomboy. My niece is like that she is now 24. She is till a rough girl but loves to be girly now. something she hated as a kid. Anywho, thanks a million for the kind words. Sometimes kind words help me through the difficult times. Thanks again


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## SwtHannah (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you it makes a-lot of sense. I understand a-lot of what you said. Now I realize I was right with my thinking. Sometimes I doubt what I truly feel. Yeah I have no one who knows this. I have a gf who lets me dress up at home but thinks it's just stimulation for me. However, she really doesn't know. As I don't do it a-lot. I don't want 2 be completely alone, but I want to be who I am inside. Just to live normal I know people would love and understand. The problem is i'm a guy on the outside and people do not understand that. I'm not gay, just feel like i have always been a normal girl with the look and parts of a male. Thanks for your kind words. You do not know who much that means. People bash Obama for his stance, but i feel someday in the after a special place is held for him as he sees people for who they are not some label or look. Thanks again *Hugs*


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## amoxirat (Jun 4, 2013)

> Originally Posted by *SwtHannah* /img/forum/go_quote.gif
> 
> Thanks so much for your insight. I am now checking the story. Thanks for being open minded and not judging me. This is very hard to deal with. Wanting something so bad but too scared. My whole life will be changed. Everyone likes me as me and changing that will lose everything I have or at least I think it will. Or do I just be the person I want and be totally happy? Thanks so much again for understanding.


I would hope that everyone would like you even after the change.  I want you to be the person you want and be totally happy.  â¤

I don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I support you.


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## SwtHannah (Jun 4, 2013)

Greatly appreciated. Life is exciting and hard all at the same time. I hope eventually people can see me as i truly feel on the inside. I get treated not as gay but like i'm not a guy. No on ever made fun of me but girls liked me a-lot. Not in a nerdy way but as another girl just in a male body. Thanks for being nice. Right now just being nice helps a-lot.  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## CaseyR (Jun 17, 2013)

I think everyone here has offered great advice.  I just wanted to mention that throughout Canada and the United States (as well as many other countries), there is an organization called PFLAG.  It's basically a volunteer organization run by the LGBTQ community, their familes, and friends.  Depending on where you're located, there may be a chapter somewhere close by (you can search it up online).  Identifying as a genderqueer person myself, I am one of the board directors/faciltators for my region's chapter, and we have many people, young and old of varying gender identities and expressions that meet up with us monthly for an informal sharing night.  While it's not a professional organization, we've discovered that many find it to be helpful just to be able to meet others who can relate to each others' experiences and and offer support.  Wishing you all the best!

Casey


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## SwtHannah (Jun 17, 2013)

Thank you so much. As the more I realize who i am and taking the correct necessary steps to be who I truly am, I am amazed at how many people are on my side and wanting to be helpful. I think I tear up a-lot just at the thought of no longer living as someone I am not. I also am tearful when I hear people wanting to support me. As a transgender woman it is very necessary to get aligned on the outside as  I am on the inside. Thus I can be free to do all the things I want. Shopping, cleaning house, run errands, buy makeup, SHOES! ( hee hee) and just be a regular everyday woman. As my mind, spirit, personality, wants, likes and desires have told me since I was 5. Never liked guys, never felt gay. Just somehow I felt as though I should have been born a girl. Now I finally came clean to my gf of 7 years and she was already aware. She was just waiting for me to take the steps to tell her and to what degree. Now I'm getting married and transitioning into who I need to be. I already have the body natural with no tampering. Personality and the rest was obvious since I was 5. Now all I need is some support to not make me lose my mind. Yep i was aware of the emotional changes and met them head on. I did have 2 bad days so far but nothing awful. One day was emotional overload. I was happy. I was sad. I was bored. I was laughing. I was lazy. I was energetic. I also had a day where i was blah all day. But overall i was surprised I am emotionally transitioning so well. As you can see I'm a chatty Cathy. Always have been. In school I was always in trouble for it. Telling jokes or just talking about normal things. My mom always called me a chatterbox. Oh well when I finally transition people will just say you know her. Ahhhhh so blessed to finally get all this uncovered. I was scared all those years for no reason. Thank you for taking time out of your life to pass along some very important information. I thank people like you as it makes people like me have just a better life. I'd rather people transition then live as someone they are not. Living as someone they are not may account for some of the divorce, violence, crime, murder, suicide and hate that the world knows. Much rather have a gender transitioning person being true to themselves than any so called normal person being fake. Again sorry for the chatter. Thank you again *HUGS* - Hannah


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## meaganola (Jun 17, 2013)

Oh, sweetie, congratulations! Thank you for the update! I hope you stick around this board. We'll be here if you ever need us.


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## CaseyR (Jun 17, 2013)

No problem!  It always feels best to be yourself, whichever way you identify.  Definitely the way to be


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## mauu (Jun 21, 2013)

Congratulations, Hannah!



I'm so happy for you. Like meaganola said, I also hope you stick around and let us know how things are going for you.


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## SwtHannah (Jun 21, 2013)

Thanks so much. Will do my best to update my journey as it happens. Thanks for accepting me into your world. It's wonderful to know that there people out there who want to lend emotional support. Thanks everyone *Hugs* - Hannah


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## SwtHannah (Jun 21, 2013)

Just a note to pass along. I want to thank everyone on here for being so nice. I have a life and friends and whatnot so I am OK there. However, about the only one who knows me as Hannah is my soon 2 be wife. My mom knows of the dressing up but thought it was a phase as I stopped doing it in High School. However, I have always felt as a girl inside since i was five or so. Yep I can remember that far back.

It was hard being me growing up. I was 5' 5" in 8th grade. I had broad shoulders but I had long legs, short torso and a bubble butt, and the small bone structure of a girl. I even had curves but my hips were in a way that if i just wore guys clothes no one seen them. I even have small feet with high arches. However, I have been dealt with male plumbing and let me tell it's not small. I have always hated having it. It just seemed to be in the way. It's not bragging as I want to be Hannah and just eliminate that from my life. So my emotional state was that of a woman trapped in a man's body. I think, talk, like, understand, love as a woman. I have a woman's spirit, desires and personality. I like clothes as any typical woman. I cry at sad movies or being being abused or someone hurting. I love to clean house. I like to help people and even some people i help like a mother. So it has always been my destiny to be Hannah

So what now? I want to feel and look outside as I am inside. So to do this and not have my feelings hurt living in a small town was hard. I found out how tho over the yearss. I found out how to wear underwear, bra, shoes, jeans and no one knows. Now I do it more as I go out and I don't care. I have been hiding this too long. I have been miserable too long. I want to be Hannah so bad. I want to be able to do everything I feel inside. I want to be able to shop as any normal girl. I want to live and do and like and love as any normal girl would.

Now I have dated my gf for 7 years. She has never asked me to do anything weird. She even talks a-lot to me about what I do. She says if she has put up with it for 7 years then I'm here to stay.

I don't want to die alone. I don't want a man. I want a wife but be Hannah. I never told her I wanted to a girl. I just dressed up as a girl while intimate. Anywho, my gf says yeah I always knew you wanted to be a girl. I love you as is. She wants to be married and see if we can have a kid before I do the permanent Hannah change. Then we can do the whole transition. She says for now she will be the dominate one and i can be Hannah. Except when I go to work. Then after I get out of college were are going to move where I can be excepted as Hannah. I can live and do as I need and do the whole transition.

She is right now tho, with doctors advice, helping me to be more feminine. How? Well first off we I am doing it with vitamins first. I am also doing the whole soy intake. Soy has female hormone properties in them. In some males soy does nothing, however, in some males it does. Me for example I have had many products with soy. Milk, tofu, protein drinks, Special K bars, etc. Yes it makes a difference. I have even more curves now. I even have gained somewhat of a bust line. That with my long hair gets me called a lady a-lot. Some woman in stores, restaurants, etc. can see me as a guy but converse to me like they would to any other woman. 

I am waiting on the whole hormone replacement therapy. My doctor says if I want to have kids then this should help me feel more as I am inside until I can see if we can have kids., It will not mess up anything male.

I love being Hannah which is just being myself. I love that there are females on here who want to help. I am minoring in psychology in college and have been blessed to see everything on the psychological and emotional side. So i try to make sure to that my emotions are kept in check. I am also making sure i am not doing anything to cause myself any harm physically or emotionally. However, what i hope to achieve here is to receive advice just to help me on my journey. This to me is a sort of therapy for me to be able to spill my guts and get useful feedback. I guess what i was afraid of all these years was something I should have just came clean years ago. It feels so much better no that I have let myself be who I am and not afraid of anybody knowing. Most people don't care. My mom has somewhat talked to my fiancee about it and my mom told her that she is ok with the whole dress up thing. My still doesn't know i want to be Hannah. At her age of 71 I don't have the heart. But if it comes to that then I will tell her.

Sorry for being a chatty Cathy but i just needed to get some stuff off my mind.

Love everyone, and thank you for being so kind and patient as I take on this new journey. Take care everyone and have a great weekend. *HUGS* - Hannah â™¥


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