# Can Men and Women Be Friends?



## Adrienne (Sep 18, 2008)

*Oprah &amp; Friends XM Radio host Rabbi Shmuley Boteach talks about the ground rules for platonic relationships between men and women:*

Can men and women be "just friends," or is sexual attraction between the sexes always inevitable? According to Rabbi Shmuley, men and women _can_ be friends with members of the opposite sex, as long as they follow certain rules. He talks about platonic friendship between the sexes and shares his ground rules for opposite-sex friendships outside of marriage.

If a person isn't married, Rabbi Shmuley says it's perfectly all right to have friends who are members of the opposite sex. Society has moved away from polarizing the sexes, and today, men and women work together, go to school together and _should_ be able to be friends, he says. 

Things are different if you are married, Rabbi Shmuley says. It _is_ possible to have an opposite sex friendship, but you cannot compromise certain borders: 


You can't go out to late night dinners together. You _can_ have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages. "The embers of attraction really can grow in situations like that, and suddenly it's not so innocent, it's not just friendship anymore," Rabbi Shmuley says. 
You can't take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it's for work. "Even if you have to work with a colleague [of the opposite sex], there are still certain boundaries you need to preserve," he says.
You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. "Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets," Rabbi Shmuley says.
You can't share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don't share with your spouse. "Because then you're sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you're not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no," he says.
You should not be friends with ex-lovers.
Source: MSN Relationships

So what do you guys think? Any stories to back up your point of views?


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## magneticheart (Sep 18, 2008)

I think women and men can be friends.

One of my really good friends is a guy and believe me there's no attraction going on there AT ALL lol!






I think if you're going to be attracted to someone then it's inevitable but it's not impossible to just be friends with someone from the opposite sex. There has to be absolutely no attraction there to begin with though.

I think if there is a tiny spark and you're friends spending lots of time together then it could turn into something more.


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## Adrienne (Sep 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *magneticheart* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think women and men can be friends.One of my really good friends is a guy and believe me there's no attraction going on there AT ALL lol!





I think if you're going to be attracted to someone then it's inevitable but it's not impossible to just be friends with someone from the opposite sex. There has to be absolutely no attraction there to begin with though.

I think if there is a tiny spark and you're friends spending lots of time together then it could turn into something more.

Would you say it's possible to be just be friends with someone you're attracted to? Do you think attraction could build up with a friend keeping in mind that most husbands and wives do start off being just friends?

(I'm feeling talktative today  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />)


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## Nick007 (Sep 18, 2008)

No.


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## magneticheart (Sep 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Adrienne* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Would you say it's possible to be just be friends with someone you're attracted to? Do you think attraction could build up with a friend keeping in mind that most husbands and wives do start off being just friends?
(I'm feeling talktative today  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />)

Lol



I actually don't think you can be friends with someone you're attracted to.

Imho I don't feel like you could ever be a true friend. You'd always have an alterior motive, if that makes sense?

You wouldn't want them seeing other people and you'd always be wanting to be with them so you could never give them good advice about their relationships 'cos it would always be biased towards them being with you.

And I don't think that people who start off as just friends with no sexual attraction between them can turn into something more. I think you know if you like someone in that way deep down and I think if you're not attracted to someone in that way it can't grow, there has to be something there to start with. You might grow to trust them and like them more but I don't think it turns into attraction. Whereas if there is something there to start off with it can't really be quashed.


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## internetchick (Sep 18, 2008)

In my experience no. Maybe on an acquaintance level, but not a close friend.


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## CellyCell (Sep 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *magneticheart* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Lol



I actually don't think you can be friends with someone you're attracted to.

Imho I don't feel like you could ever be a true friend. You'd always have an alterior motive, if that makes sense?

You wouldn't want them seeing other people and you'd always be wanting to be with them so you could never give them good advice about their relationships 'cos it would always be biased towards them being with you.

And I don't think that people who start off as just friends with no sexual attraction between them can turn into something more. I think you know if you like someone in that way deep down and I think if you're not attracted to someone in that way it can't grow, there has to be something there to start with. You might grow to trust them and like them more but I don't think it turns into attraction. Whereas if there is something there to start off with it can't really be quashed.

Ditto. All very, very true. As I'm like this currently, ha.I always agree with whatever you say, Katie haha.

...and it's true, if there is some form of initial attraction - even like, "oh he has a cute smile or is funny" it could develop into a crush and so on. It's happen to me.

I do have really good guy friends that I've never found attractive too. One is my best friend - and he would compliment on how I looked but I never took it beyond that and never would. Either way, he turned out to be gay so it's all good in the end. Haha.

Anyways, I would not be okay if my guy's best friend was a girl or if we were married he had a lot of girlfriends. It's simply because of what was stated in the article, "they share more to them then to their SO/Spouse". I would not like secrets being kept from me and told to this other girl.

And you can be friends with your ex-lovers. It just can't go farther than being associates.


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## Andi (Sep 18, 2008)

IÂ´m not married, but I think itÂ´s BS to have different "rules" for this topic compared to when youÂ´re in a relationship, but not married.

If youÂ´re simply not attracted to your friend of the opposite sex, then nothing will ever happen.

I have a guyfriend I have shared some personal stuff with, and heÂ´s a sweet and intelligent guy. But he has long hair and heÂ´s into metal, and dresses in black...so thatÂ´s totally not my type. Nothing could ever happen with him.

I had to laugh at the "you can eat together, but do not order alcoholic beverages" rule.


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## magneticheart (Sep 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *CellyCell* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ditto. All very, very true. As I'm like this currently, ha.I always agree with whatever you say, Katie haha.

Haha, thanks


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## Adrienne (Sep 18, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Andi* /img/forum/go_quote.gif IÂ´m not married, but I think itÂ´s BS to have different "rules" for this topic compared to when youÂ´re in a relationship, but not married.If youÂ´re simply not attracted to your friend of the opposite sex, then nothing will ever happen.

I can kinda see your point here. Technically the rules that followed you during dating should be based on trust and if you're building a relationship on what you have, then those same rules would apply to your marriage as that is what you are vowing to do for the rest of your life and what you are expecting in return.

But at the same time, even if I knew for a fact that my husband was not cheating, if he shared something with someone else whether it be a man or a woman friend and not with me, then I'd feel betrayed in some ironic way. Typically if you're married your best friend is your partner. I think there is so much more at stake when you're married, which is why I feel this way but that would also depend on how you view your relationship. Not everyone feels they need to get married to be with someone for the rest of their lives.


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## AngelaGM (Sep 18, 2008)

That Rabbi had alot of good points. Alcohol might add fuel to the fire. This is a very interesting thread.


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## Harlot (Sep 18, 2008)

Meh, I strongly disagree that you cannot have a close friend of the opposite sex when married. Why not? Its a friendship and I dont agree on how this guy says you cant have secrets with them either. When you are close to someone its because you guys have something that bonds you together. Just because you have a husband or wife does not mean you have to tell them everything! Its called personal space. And the whole dinner thing? Please. Although I found this article interesting (thanks ^^) even under "normal" relationship standards (my ideology on this is very different) its a bit conservative and extreme.


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## StereoXGirl (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks for posting.





I think these rules were generally meant to err on the side of caution, and that's why they're so strict. Not everyone is the same, so they kind of covered all the grounds that anyone may experience. lol.

One thing that I have noticed is that it's easy to say "Oh, we're really close friends and I tell him/her a lot of things, but there's no attraction." It's not possible to control (or in some cases even know) another person's feelings. So that may be a problem. Like if you're super close with a guy, but don't have any feelings...there's no guarantee that he doesn't have feelings for you. Even if he did, he may deny it if you're in a relationship with someone else so as not to make things akward.


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## Harlot (Sep 18, 2008)

Yeah, I get what you mean stereoxgirl. Well, he'll just have to get over it now wont he ^^? Most of the times, its better to stay friends even if it means denying your "deeper" feelings on the matter. Its just....better.


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## Darla (Sep 19, 2008)

definitely girls and guys can just be friends. I have had really good friends that were female and in a lot of ways they were easier to talk to and were less pretentious than some guy friends i have.

I mean that would almost imply that even if you're married that you can't be friends because you would automatically be hopping into bed together. I think it is a little thing called self-control. I think i had this even when i was a teenager, some people never get it.

With due respect to Rabbi Shmuley I think some of his rules are a little outdated. Frequently someone from the opposite sex can give you a perspective that you might not get from your same sex friends.


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## Dragonfly (Sep 19, 2008)

I say yes and no.

I think women find it easier to be friends with men - if it is platonic.

I think that man, deep down, are attracted to women but will accept their decision to "just be friends".

But because there is an underlining sexual attraction on his part, he might steer the friendship into a "couples" relationship.

Or the man could get frustrated and decide that he no longer wants to remain friendly.


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## pinksugar (Sep 19, 2008)

well.. one level I really agree with everything that was said, but on another... I think those are equally sensible points for girls too - as in, I have friends who are bi, and if I was to go on late night dinners with them, drink with them etc, the possibility that they would hit on me would be increased (speaking from past experience, lol). SO...

I think it's not just the opposite sex, the same applies for same sex relationships.

I do think that regardless if I was in a relationship those are all good points.

I disagree about being friends with ex lovers though, I'm really good friends with an ex of mine. Sure, I still think he's totally hot but I'd never do anything with him if I had a partner, although I would be extremely respectful of those boundaries so that no one had their feelings hurt..

For me it's less about not being ABLE to be just friends, and more about having to preserve certain appearances to ensure that if I had a partner, he wouldn't feel jealous or upset by my behaviour. I absolutely believe men and women can be friends, but you do have to be careful, especially when one person has a partner!


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## sooperficial (Sep 19, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Darla_G* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I mean that would almost imply that even if you're married that you can't be friends because you would automatically be hopping into bed together. I think it is a little thing called self-control. I think i had this even when i was a teenager, some people never get it. I agree with you 100%! Self-control is key.


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## bia910 (Sep 21, 2008)

Originally Posted by *Carolyn* /img/forum/go_quote.gif I say yes and no.
I think women find it easier to be friends with men - if it is platonic.

I think that man, deep down, are attracted to women but will accept their decision to "just be friends".

But because there is an underlining sexual attraction on his part, he might steer the friendship into a "couples" relationship.

Or the man could get frustrated and decide that he no longer wants to remain friendly.

I completly agree! I think it's easier for women to be just friends with men, then it is for men to be just friends with women.


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## Lolita Von Tess (Sep 23, 2008)

Very True


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## JennyMcL (Sep 25, 2008)

I love my female friends, but when I was 18 I really couldn't handle it. My platonic female friends were just girls I wanted to go further with, but for some reason couldn't. With that said, I disagree with those points:

1. No alcohol - Oh please. Maybe my best platonic female friend and I meet at her father in law's bar every Thursday for drinks. Depending on his work schedule, sometimes her husband joins us.

2. I guess how long depends on your definition. Friends make the time pass in long drives.

3. Secrets are part of friendship. However, that doesn't mean stealing intimacy if somebody is in a relationship. That can be as damaging as an affair. Common sense should sound off an alarm if you're crossing a line there. I guess he hits this in point 4.

4. Yes, you can be friends with ex-lovers. I fixed up my ex-girlfriend in college with my best friend and they're married with child. I was best man.


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