# Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat



## Darla (Oct 20, 2008)

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*Dating 101: The Truth About Why Men Cheat* Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.

_By Nicole Yorio from Redbook_ _Photo: Forest Woodward/iStock_ _Updated: Oct 15, 2008_







_What makes men cheat?_ Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

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_48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated._So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."_66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair._The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

_77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated._



Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility.





Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

_40% of cheating men met the other woman at work._"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

_Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife._In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. "



In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void





In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

_Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night._Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

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## Ingrid (Mar 19, 2010)

oh wow this is VERY interesting. Most men cheat because they feel unappreciated from their significant others. But I have read many articles that men also cheat because of excitement. There are many many reasons out there, but men need to know that Women can't be perfect, we can't be the perfect woman they want us to be, nobody is perfect right?


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## Dragonfly (Mar 19, 2010)

Why do men cheat? Because they can.


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## Ingrid (Mar 19, 2010)

lmao @ dragonfly. What a depressing answer


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## MakeupByMe (Mar 19, 2010)

Everybody cheats &amp; Theres not a damn thing you can do to prevent someone from doing it You can be praising, giving great BJ's etc it dont matter if a man or woman wants to (for whatever reason) cheat than they are going to All anyone can do is worry about themselves!!! &amp; How you handle the after math is still up to you , We all wish we could fully controll another person but thats not reality


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## Johnnie (Mar 20, 2010)

Originally Posted by *MakeupByMe* /img/forum/go_quote.gif Everybody cheats &amp; Theres not a damn thing you can do to prevent someone from doing it You can be praising, giving great BJ's etc it dont matter if a man or woman wants to (for whatever reason) cheat than they are going to All anyone can do is worry about themselves!!! &amp; How you handle the after math is still up to you , We all wish we could fully controll another person but thats not reality



I agree!


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## Darla (Mar 20, 2010)

What the article fails to do is point out that there are probably two types of guys out there when it comes to cheating.

There are guys who are out for the pure thrill of it, this could be a regular serial activity just trying to hook up and they really out for the pleasure out of it and not to concerned about the "other woman". Think Tiger Woods, but without all money.

The other guy really is trying to find a better emotional connection because of what is lacking in his own marriage. There can be a myriad of reasons out there lack of sex and intimacy, money issues, boredom with the relationship and stress in the marriage. I mean it could also just be about the sex and the ability to have one night stand but i think it generally runs much deeper than that.


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## akathegnat (Mar 21, 2010)

ITA with you Darla.


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