# We don't want children but.....



## Jessica (Jan 3, 2007)

Im going to try and make this as short as possible.......here we go!

I am 32 yrs old and have been married only a year. My husband and I were friends before we started dating. It really made it that much easier in our relationship because we both already knew what we wnated and didn't want out of life. We knew we NEVER wanted to have children and that was the one of the reasons we got together. He feels as strongly as I do about not wanting children. I don't have the paticience and I am a pick up an go person and our work hours are crazy. Sometimes the dog goes 8 hrs of being home alone (with the cats). Well here is the dilemma......

My sister gave birth to my wonderful nephew 3 yrs ago. She has got some major mental issues and the state gave my parents custody of him and she will probably never be "fit" enough to have full custody of him. The problem is it's been a year since my mother has had custody and is telling me she cant handle it anymore. She tells me she raised her children and it's not fair that she and my father have to start over again ( I agree ).

My mother is also in school full time and my father is getting ready to retire. So my parents have basically said if my husband and I can not take him into our custody she will have to give him to children family services. I would just die and I will never be the same person again if this happens. I cannot picture him not in my life. I start to have anxiety attacks just thinking about it. However, my husband is willing to entertain the thought of talking custody....but at what price? Its not like you can take him back to the store and return him if it doesnt work out! This is a HUGE deal and I am not ready to be a mom and never planned on it and I don't think my husband understands what kind of impact it would have on our life. I love my nephew to pieces but I don't think I can handle it. Im also frustrarted that im being put into this situation at all. So I can use all the advise and suggestions out there that i can get. Thanks for listening.....It helps to have an outsiders opinion.


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## Sonia_K (Jan 3, 2007)

I have to say...that's a very hard situation to be in. I absolutely understand your concern for your nephew but at the same time you just don't want to have the responsibility of raising a child. And yes, your right, it will have a huge impact on your life.

Is your nephew's father out of the picture? Can you and your mom share the responsibility of raising him?


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## Aquilah (Jan 3, 2007)

Definitely a hard situation!

First question: What's going on with your nephew's father? What's the dealio with him?

Second question: Are you willing to change your life to take care of him? Essentially, that's what you'd be doing.

I think it's great if you decide to do it! It has to be hard to know your nephew might go into family services, where only goodness knows where he'll end up and whatnot. On the other hand, you're very right that it's not your responsibility nor should you be put in the middle of this.

Could adoption possibly be an option if you can interview the potential parents first? Plus, there is open adoption! My friend did that with her first child, and it's been great for her.

I really don't know what to say, as I can't even begin to imagine being in a situation such as this! I think maybe you and your husband need to figure out what's best for YOU, and then work from there. If need be, explain to your parents your concerns on both accounts.

If I may ask, did anyone look into adoption when you found out she was pregnant? Or did things seem like they'd be okay with her raising him? I don't mean to sound anything but concerned, so forgive me if I do! I'm just curious and honestly mean no harm at all with that question!


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## Dragonfly (Jan 3, 2007)

Just as Sonia K asked, can you share the responsibility of raising your nephew, with your parents?

monday to friday, mom has him

friday night to monday am, you have him

Switch the schedule periodically so you have weekends free.

In my community, there is a children's agency that allows children to sleep there on the occasion night or weekend, if the parents need a break.

Make as many phone calls as possible to see if there are agencies in your community that can assist you and your parents, before you make any decisions.


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## jessimau (Jan 3, 2007)

When a child goes with CFS, generally they'll still be able to have contact wtih family members. I've worked in social services and it isn't the best situation for most children. Open adoption would probably be better. If you can take him, it would be wonderful, or if you could work something out with your parents so that you can share custody and responsibility. It's a sad situation all around and I'm sorry you're in the middle of it all. Good luck.


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## Aquilah (Jan 3, 2007)

Wow, the state of GA isn't like that! My sisters had to spend a few days in the care of a foster family, and I didn't get to have contact with them at all! I don't know if it's different because of the fact they were foster parents or not.


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## Jessica (Jan 3, 2007)

Thank you all so much for your advise. Feel free to ask me anything about the whole situation, I dont mind sharing. I need all the help and advice i can get.

Well when my nephew was first born my sister was raising him living at my parents house. From day one my nephews father has seen him once and wants nothing to do with him. He is a real piece of sh*t. Anyway my sister was asked to leave and mother was given custody when her bi-polar disorder started affecting my nephews welfare. She was telling him at 1 years old she hated him and wish he wasn't born. She then started doing drugs and drinking. Since my mother has had custody ( about a year ) my sister is like the distant aunt, coming by one day a week. Thankfully this does not seem to affect him too much. He never cries for her when she leaves, just waves and says bye.

I wish she would've listened to my mother and put him up for adoption when he was first born. I think if we put him up for adoption now it might affect his life in a bad way. But I am going to take into consideration what you all said about sharing the responsibility with her. Taking him only on the weekends would probably help her a lot. Thanks so much guys!!!! Means so much to me that you have taken your time to give advice!!!!


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## pinkbundles (Jan 4, 2007)

wow. you are def. in a tough spot. if i knew i never wanted children (like yourselves) and suddenly found myself in this situation, i'd be freaking out!

anyway, i agree with the majority. it's not fair to you or your parents. but the fact of the matter is, he is still family. it sounds to me like he means a lot to you (that's probably why the thought of him not being in your life gives you anxiety attacks). so that tells me that you'd probably put everything on the line to keep him in the family (if adoption of any kind is not an option).

so what can you do? have you talked to a family councellor or even your family doctor for advice/info. on services available? how about a live-in nanny to help your mom out?


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## dentaldee (Jan 4, 2007)

it's a really upsetting situation for all of you.....I'm sorry for that.

but I think cyw1 had a great suggestion of sharing the responsibility with your parents, I'd set a regular schedule, since children NEED routine and maybe you may find parenting easier and more rewarding than you thought!!! I personally don't think parenting is that difficult. as for a change of lifestyle.......my brother &amp; sister inlaw have 2 young kids and they travel with them everywhere!!! the kids have gone to more places in one year than I will in my life time!!

will the guilt of sending him to childrens services eat you up and make you life miserable in a different way??

I hope things work out for the best for all parties involved:huggies:


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## Dragonfly (Jan 4, 2007)

You mentioned the father, but what about his family?

If they were aware of the dilema, could they help out?

Have you spoken with CPS?

Let them know that your family is facing a crisis and ask them for help/guidance.

CPS would much rather have your nephew stay with your family than become another foster child.


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## Jessica (Jan 4, 2007)

Thanks again for all of your advice. To answer some questions.....my nephews family doesn't want anything to do with him. How could you not??? He is a great kid and I love him to pieces. I am going to take into consideration all of the advice like sharing the duties with my mom like taking him on the weekends ( he loves sleeping over ). I am also going to look into a a live in for my parents.....thats a great idea especially since she does have the extra room for one.

By the way if you are wondering why his fathers family wants nothing to do with him it's because my nephews father has two other kids by two different mothers.....a real freakin class act!!! Oh it gets better.....he has signed his rights away to those kids. My sister got pregnant on purpose and it wasnt the picnic she thought it was going to be. But I love him and NOT for one second do i regret having him in my life.

Oh boy......it sounds like a Jerry Springer episode doesn't it???? lol

Once again I can not say thank you enough for all of your advice and concern. It is very much appreciated!!!


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## reginaalear (Jan 4, 2007)

How about maybe you and your husband let him stay on a trial basis. Maybe a week, and see if it is something that you could live with. Otherwise I would do as suggested and try to share the responsibility with your parents. I have 2 daughters who have disabilities so I know how hard it can be, but it's well worth it! I had my first daughter 2 weeks after my 16th birthday...Very young, but you have to do what's best for the child sometimes. I married my husband we had our daughter then another years later. I'm now 28 and have a 12 year old and a 9 year old. me and my husband are still together! I would think it over and like I said maybe you could keep him on a trial basis. Hope it works out for you and your family. By the way, we have no family to help with our daughter's so I know how great it would be to just get a break.


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## girl_geek (Jan 5, 2007)

The girls have given some great advice, about sharing schedules and such! One little thought I wanted to toss in (if you haven't thought of it already):

While it's great to consider the practical implications of how to raise him now, you of course have to think about the future. Since you are hesitant about changing your lifestyle to raise a child for many years, think of the future -- which of these two options seem most like how you would react in 5, 10, 20 years?

1. If you give him up for adoption, will you constantly regret it? Or will you be able to accept it, knowing he is in a happy home?

2. If you do raise him (or help your parents raise him), do you ever see yourself resenting him for the all the time, effort, and money you will have to spend on him? Or do you see yourself adjusting to it because you love him so much?

I can't imagine how hard of a decision this must be, but just make sure you think about the present and the future! Good luck with whatever you decide!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Jessica (Jan 5, 2007)

Oh i have definitely asked my self these questions and they are good ones!

I would NEVER be ever to live with my self if he were given up for adoption! It would be like ripping my heart right out of my chest!!!!

I also would NEVER resent him if he had to be placed in my custody. I don't care about the money because I make plenty between my husband and I so i wouldn't resent him at all for that. As for the effort I believe that comes with the territory when you become a parent or gaurdian.


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## girl_geek (Jan 5, 2007)

Well, I don't want to make the decision for you, but it sounds like you've already made up your mind that are going to keep him -- you just have to work out the details!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## Jessica (Jan 5, 2007)

Thank you all so much for your help!!!! Also for your support!!!! My mother and I are going to have a sit down about this tomorrow over Starbucks. I will let you know how it went!!!! Thanks again, I can not say it enough!


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## Jessica (Jan 7, 2007)

Well my mother and I had our sit down this week. We talked about my nephew Casey and what would be best for him. We have decided I would take Casey for her every other weekend and that in itself would help her tremendously. She also informed me that she doesnt want to give him up and she said this to me because she has been so stressed out with school and lack of help when it comes to Casey. Anyway......so thanks again for the advice and I'm thrilled my "issue" was able to be resolved (so far)! I am so rid of my stress now and my anxiety has gone way down!!!!

Here is a pick of my little munchkin.....eating Oreos


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## dentaldee (Jan 7, 2007)

aaaww......he's cute!!! I'm glad you guys have figured something out for the time being........ all the best for a happy future for all!!!


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## charish (Jan 7, 2007)

aww, well that's sad about the situation, but i think you and your mom made a great decision. and one that you're happy with. good luck and i'm sure everything will be fine.


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## AprilRayne (Jan 7, 2007)

Wow! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you! He is such an adorable child. Do you have a faith or higher power that you can pray to for guidance? Think really long and hard about this, because I believe things happen for a reason and you may never know what may happen or what you might be missing out on. This little guy could affect your life in ways you don't even know! Good luck to you and your sweet, little nephew!

Edit: I didn't read everything so I missed where you said you and your mom worked it out for now! LOL Good luck!


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## jennycateyez (Jan 8, 2007)

he's such a cutie. i agree with the rest of the girls..... maybe u can talk to ur parents and share custody. i would take me nephew in a heart beat but im diffrent because i already have a kid and i want more so it is a bit diffrent. please let us know what happens.


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## Sonia_K (Jan 8, 2007)

I'm so glad you came up with a solution for the time being. That's so great that you offered to help your mom out with you nephew. He's such a cutee.

Good luck with everything.


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## jessimau (Jan 8, 2007)

He's adorable! I'm glad to hear you and your mom were able to work something out. I hope it works out well for you all!


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## Aquilah (Jan 8, 2007)

I'm so glad you have worked out a sense of a solution! I'm so happy for you all! He's definitely a cutie! Please keep us informed as to how everything goes. Best of luck to you all!


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## dixiewolf (Jan 8, 2007)

He is lucky to have an aunt like you. I hope things work out well for everyone's benefit. I am glad you and your mom are seeing how it works sharing custody. I cant imagine if I had to raise my niece, but I would probably do the same thing as you.


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## Sheikah (Apr 25, 2007)

Glad you found a solution for the situation!


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## Dragonfly (Apr 25, 2007)

Casey is so cute! I'm happy to hear that things are working out well for everyone - definately a win win situation.


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## BeneBaby (Apr 25, 2007)

I am so glad you came to a decision. I'm sure your Mother will be very greatful and Casey will have wonderful weekends with you and your Hubby!


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## Jessica (Apr 25, 2007)

Yeah we just went to an amusement park for the first time ans he made me ride a rollercoaster 9 times...lmao. It's not a big rollercoaster but for a 3 year old it's got some pretty good drops...he cracked me up!!! He had a blast and it was fun for me too see that!!! It's still a struggle for everyone but he seems to irocnicly be the least effected by it all


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## Ricci (Apr 25, 2007)

I am in love wioth him already what a sweetie


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## Ashley (Apr 25, 2007)

I'm glad you have a solution! Best of luck to you and your family!  /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />


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## debbiedeb77 (Apr 25, 2007)

u know what things happen for a reason, maybe u are meant to raise this child, also nobody is ever ready to be a parent but u do and u do it to the best of your ability! i wish u the best of luck with the decision, yes it is a big responsibility but he is your blood, why not give him a sense of stability in his life by being the mom he doesnt have, instead of going with a stranger if he is awarded to the state. its the right thing! go for it!!


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## AngelaGM (Apr 25, 2007)

Jessica,

I am so sorry that I had not read this post until now. It must be so frustrating to be put in the middle of such a difficult situation. I am not a patient person myself so I can relate. I have Bi Polar Disorder myself and it sounds like your sister is not med compliant. I feel very blessed I am just on one med=)


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## daer0n (Apr 25, 2007)

Jessy,

i missed this post, probably because of my own problems and i didnt pay attention, i have to say that i am glad that you found a solution to this problem, it breaks my heart to know that he is going through all this, looking at his innocent big eyes just made me cry, thinking about him somewhere where he wouldnt be taken care of, or loved, i wouldnt be able to take it myself.

I know you and your husband are wonderful people, you can always see it in people's eyes, and i am sure you will do the right thing, i wish i could help somehow sweetheart, but i wish you all the best with all my heart, you and your nephew are in my thoughts :1f: :hugss:


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## sweetnsexy6953 (Apr 25, 2007)

Im glad that you guys came to an agreement. Its good to know that you guys will be taking him as well as your mom. It would be hard to put him in a foster home Im sure so hopefully you guys dont have to be put in that situation again.


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## Blondeplaymate (May 1, 2007)

This must be hard on you...But it isnt your sisters fault for having mental issues.He has family!!! putting him in some family services is messed up poor kid....i would never do that.I understand your parents for already raising her own kids but this is her grandchild how could she give him up.

hope all goes well.


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## Lyndebe (May 1, 2007)

OMG, I somehow missed this until now. you are between a rock and a hard place. unfortuneately, you will be judged on your decision either way. children can sense whether they are truly wanted or if they end up somewhere by default. irresponsible people make decisions that affect other people's live unfairly. I have no advice, I am just profoundly sorry you are in this predicament. you sound like an awesome, loving, caring person!


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## natalierb (May 2, 2007)

It broke my heart when I read your story, and when I saw your nephew's pictures I wanted to cry! I am soooo glad that you guys worked something out. It is very important for him to be surrounded by loved ones, especially when his parents can't take care of him.


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